


Our Scars

by Fraulein21



Category: Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV), Chicago PD (TV) RPF
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 278,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fraulein21/pseuds/Fraulein21
Summary: Jay Halstead keeps butting heads over cases with Rianne Torres Delgado, a social worker with DCFS. She has been through her own personal trauma. So when they find themselves drawn to each other time and time again an interesting journey begins. Will they be able to save each other? Regular crossovers with Chicago Fire and Med characters
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 81





	1. Bad Behavior

**Author's Note:**

> I already began posting this story on FFN in July. For an alternative home for it I now chose to give AO3 a go too. I hope you'll enjoy it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my story. As we await the next season of Chicago PD it has been incredible to read up on all the wonderful fanfic's out here and it inspired me to write something of my own. This is based loosely around the plot of season 7 of Chicago PD, including characters and storylines from Chicago Fire and Med. I tried introducing another department into the One Chicago World by making my character work with social services. I hope you all enjoy and let me know what you think! I took my liberties changing timelines and weather and probably the season this was all supposed to happen in on TV as I always find it very confusing to keep track with that on the series. But anyway, I think these are minor details. Let's just begin:
> 
> Chapter Title "Bad Behavior" by Kat Frankie

"Like I told you the first time you called me, which was hardly an hour ago: I try my best to get down there myself as soon as I can or I will send someone else, but there are only so many things I can do at the same time," Rianne started to get a little annoyed by the person on the other line, acting like she only answered to him and him only.

And he would not stop nagging... Did people have any clue what her day was like in a city like Chicago?

"I get that it's urgent, I've been on the job for some time now!"

He obviously didn't get that. She considered just hanging up without a goodbye, but advised herself against it. The situation was already tense as it was and if she had to get over there herself today and meet up in person, some restraint would maybe help make things less hostile.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do. See you later," (or preferably someone else, she added in her mind).

Trying not to let the menacing tone of the voice on the other end get to her, she hung up and slumped down in her chair, sighing deeply and frantically pushing her unruly hair, which had a tendency to escape her makeshift bun from time to time, out of her face.

Nate surfaced behind a file he'd been reading up until now, having tried to keep himself from interrupting his colleague's conversation on the phone with an all too amused comment on yet another one of these catfights he got to witness. His amber eyes were twinkling with mischief:

"Let me guess: Someone from our busiest district, and I guess not the officer I am related to, has the most important case in the world – again – and wants you at the station "toute suite"! If only I knew what his name was again..."

"Save it Nate – one of these days I'm going to kill him and you're going to help me get rid of the body. How can he be so full of himself? Maybe they should get themselves an exclusive right to a special social worker out of our department."

"Oh – and would you like to be that special social worker?"

"No way. I wouldn't last a day working. I am not his damn puppet."

Nate chuckled at the image of Rianne answering to her least favorite detective of district 21 and failing big time.

"Do you want to go and take this new case they have? I am actually pretty swamped here…" She batted her eyes at him, even though she knew it was in vain.

Nate flashed her a signature dimpled smile, showing all of his perfectly white and straight teeth:  
"I would honey, but I can't. I got signed up for mandatory First Aid training, starts in 10 minutes. I guess you're on your own. Besides this isn't really my scene as you well know. I am not the one with the special psychological skills and I am not even working in this department. "

"Traitor!"

Nate just shrugged his shoulders, winked at her and she threw her pen at him, which he ducked away from. He then stood up from the visitor's chair he'd been occupying, ran a hand through his shock of blonde hair and left the building with a casual:

"See you at home later." He even had the audacity to blow her a kiss, just because he loved riling her up even more.

Nate was a case-worker with social services. His office was in the same building as hers on a different floor. He was mostly working with deviant teens, while she was working with younger children and foster families. But every chance he got he checked in on Rianne to chat and have a cup of coffee, consult on cases. Generally they just loved being around each other.

Sighing Rianne also got up. Pacing the room while making some calls as she tried frantically to reschedule her appointments for today for the seemingly pressing matter at the police station, so that she would not receive a third call about it or hear from her superiors.  
These rows with said detective had a tendency of biting people in the ass. She hoped it was as important as he made it out to be.

Rianne then left the office, got into her vintage VW Van, and drove to the nearest coffee-joint. First things first!  
No way she was going to drink the crappy stuff they served at the district. By the looks of it, it was going to be a long afternoon over there and she couldn't face it without her caffeine reserves on full capacity.

* * *

Outside of 21 there was a busy come-and-go in front of the entrance as always. Police officers starting or ending their shifts, civilians on their way to interviews, complaints, offenders being brought in for interrogations or being booked.  
Rianne knew the drill around here and all the other stations she would sometimes be called to. Clutching her hot beverage, she hurried inside after having parked her van across the street. It had begun to rain lightly.

"Hey kiddo, it's good to see you!"

Rianne was engulfed in a bear hug from a tall and scruffy man, before she could even register someone approaching her as she was headed for the front-desk, wondering why she couldn't see Sergeant Platt anywhere. That woman was a welcome refreshment of witty comes backs and snarky remarks every time.

"Why you keep calling me kiddo? I'm kind of your age Adam!"

After quickly recovering from the first shock, she hugged the man back as best as she could and smiled for the first time in the last two hours. Her small frame compared to his was kind of a funny side to see. Adam had been working out a bit over the last few months, so that now her arms barely reached all the way around him. He almost lifted her up off the ground with his strength.

"I do it because you're like the second sister I never had and it's really adorable how you get so defensive all the time." He stepped a bit away, releasing her, so that she had a chance to see if anyone was with him at the moment.

Officer Kevin Atwater was standing right behind him, giving her a small wave when he saw her: "Good to see you too Adam, Kevin." She nodded in the direction of the latter, then focused on Adam again, kind of happy to see him smiling at her and easing a bit of her tension with his attitude.

"Especially good to see you back on the job."

Adam had just last week been cleared of any charges about a case he'd been involved in some time ago.  
He had been trying to help his former colleague Antonio Dawson out, covering up that the latter had been high on oxy when he accidentally killed the kidnapper of his daughter in an altercation. Adam had stated that he had been responsible for killing the suspect on scene and had tried his best to keep up with the bunch of lies and false statements that followed, but eventually it had caught up to him.  
Adam now nodded humbly. Rianne knew how hard it had been on him being suspended, probably facing jail time and never being able to work as a police officer again. Everybody had been worried about him. Adam would have been unable to come back from this, if the worst-case scenario had come true. Rianne had witnessed several emotional meltdowns of the otherwise good-humored man throughout this ordeal.  
Nate had often been trying to console him in their living room, keeping his cousin from drinking himself into oblivion every day and giving him some perspective and hope. Adam had set out to be a police officer and as he claimed it was all he really knew to do with his life.

"By the way, you should really get rid of all that facial hair Adam, you look like your own grandpa."

She liked it better when he kept that beard in check, but seemingly the woodchopper look was all the hype now.  
He laughed out loud and punched her shoulder playfully.  
Maybe she could just deal with him concerning the call? But no such luck. Before she could ask him about it, he beat her to it:

"Glad you finally made it down to us to comment on that. Seriously I'm really relieved: Jay's climbing the walls upstairs, desperately awaiting your arrival." Adam continued smiling, while Rianne's grin that he'd put there seconds ago, vanished instantly.

"What is it with him? I got here as soon as humanly possible, what could be so damn important?" she scoffed angrily, not feeling the least bit guilty knowing fully well she had taken her sweet time to get her coffee first.

"I think he doesn't like to play babysitter and would rather get on with doing real police-work."

"I don't understand. Normally you place children that are waiting on their relatives or DCFS to pick them up with Platt and she takes care of them."

"Yeah, but this is different. Also Platt's on furlough and I doubt that she would have been down to take care of these kids. You will see for yourself once you get your sweet ass upstairs. And I think because Voight's still pissed at Jay for always disagreeing with him over the last few weeks, he ordered him to keep an eye on the kids until someone from social services took care of it. So as you can guess: he's adamant to see you." Adam knew she was not liking this but put his best grin on nonetheless.

This was just getting better and better, Rianne thought: "Doesn't rectify that he has been harassing me for the last hour and a half. Can you buzz me up?"

She braced herself for the encounter that was kind of inevitable right now.  
But from what Adam had just told her she wasn't the only one who went head to head with Jay Halstead from time to time.

"Sure thing."

They went up the stairs, where there was an extra gateway, hand scanner and whatnot for the Intelligence Unit.  
She had had the privilege to be up here other times before, even though mostly she just dealt with Sergeant Platt downstairs.  
But every time being up here felt important and kind of like belonging to a secret circle. On her way she could already hear raised voices.  
One very well known to her as she had been on the receiving end of that tone only half an hour ago, the other much younger and female. In between there was a young kid bawling her or his eyes out. That didn't sound good.  
Adam quickly excused himself because he had to follow up on another case, which he didn't seem to mind at all, and left her on her own:

"Just follow the noise and breaking of stuff and say hi to Nate for me!"

Rianne sighed for the hundredth time today and walked in the direction of the commotion that seemed to come from the break room of the Intelligence Unit. It was situated near the office of their Sergeant Hank Voight, their well respected and sometimes feared leader.  
Everybody else had cleared out. Rianne passed empty desks and the door to Voight's office was wide open, no one to be seen.

"Just calm down already!"

She heard more yelling from the break room, but when she wanted to enter it, to see what was going on in there, she found the door locked and had to knock, which was odd. The shouting stopped for just a second and it was opened by a very distressed looking Jay Halstead, just the one member of the Intelligence Unit she'd dreaded to find here.  
His tense face didn't give anything away, but his piercing emerald eyes sparked with barely contained impatience and anger.  
Slightly towering over her with his 5 feet 10, although she was wearing her highest wedges, he could come across as intimidating, especially as he still used that annoyed tone with her:

"So glad you could join the party!" He gestured for her to enter the room.

Rianne decided to just ignore his attitude and see what they were dealing with.  
Inside she found a very upset and angry girl, approximately 12 years old, standing in the middle of the room, ready to pounce on anyone who came near her.  
In the far corner of the room, almost behind the sofa there was a little boy. Rianne found he must be five or six. He'd been the one crying and just stopped when she entered the room, the atmosphere slightly changing as the screaming from the older girl had also stopped for a moment. On the ground there were several pieces of broken ceramic, torn up magazines and pens lying around.  
Rianne registered her surroundings in seconds before turning back to Jay and looking at him questioningly.  
He just shrugged his shoulders, seemingly unfazed by the chaos:

"I was short of locking her into the interrogation-room, but it's occupied."

Rianne held back a comment on this, and turned to the girl and the boy again:

"Hi, I am Rianne Torres Delgado, I'm a social worker with DCFS and have been called here to come talk to you."

She couldn't speak any further, because the girl then started to scream again:

"But I don't wanna talk to no one. I just want to go back home. I don't want you here. Where did you take my sister?"

The boy in the corner started to cry again, not liking the raised voices one bit. Rianne's heart went out to him. He seemed to be really scared and didn't know what was going on.

"Upton's got her, she needed a nappy change so she took care of that. I told her nothing is going to happen to her little sister, but then the throwing stuff started," Jay said in a low voice right behind her, Rianne just nodded and continued to look at the girl, still fighting them on everything.

Maybe taking care of what seemed to be her little brother would get them into her good books:

"I understand that and I would feel exactly the same if I were you. I can only imagine it has been a stressful day for you and I can see that your brother is pretty upset. Do you mind if I try to calm him down a bit?"

The girl seemed to notice that she'd forgotten all about her brother in the corner. She looked at him, and then nodded almost unnoticeably with a "whatever"-attitude in Rianne's direction, while keeping a suspicious eye on Jay.  
He was still covering the entrance of the room, maybe afraid that the girl might do a runner or begin to attack him again.

Rianne knew he was not being ridiculous. Even though he could have easily tackled the girl given his physical advantage, she'd experienced enough children who felt threatened gain incredible strength and resources if they had to.

She made two slow and careful steps across the room to not scare the children and not break any more pieces of ceramic with the heels of her shoes.  
Rianne went down on one knee and looked directly at the boy. He had big blue, red-rimmed eyes that were looking back at her fearfully. She had seen many of those faces, but it broke her heart every time:

"Hey buddy, it's all right, you don't have to be afraid. No one is gonna hurt you here. We're just looking out for you."

She made sure to include Jay in her statement. Obviously he hadn't gotten off on a good start with these kids:

"Can you tell me your name?"

The boy relaxed a bit, didn't leave his corner though and Rianne kept a safe distance. The girl answered before her brother could:

"His name is Henry."

"Okay, thank you. And yours is?"

"Lizzie!"

Rianne nodded thanks to Lizzie for telling her, then she turned to the boy again, moving her body to the sofa in the room, perching on the edge of it:

"See Henry, I would really like for us all to calm down a bit. Maybe if you're ready you can join me on the sofa right here and we can talk or don't talk. Your sister Lizzie is also welcome to join us. Are you guys hungry by any chance?"

The boy gave her a shy nod and Lizzie scoffed: "Maybe."

So far, so good, it seemed like no next tantrum was on the horizon. Rianne tried to concentrate on the task ahead and stay calm. These situations were always tough enough without being under the scrutiny of Jay Halstead. She could feel his always observant and critical stare in her back. She had to get him out of the room.  
Rianne was a bit confused why Intelligence was working the case of the three children in the first place, as normally this could have been standard patrol work, but she didn't ask. Rianne took a deep breath and sat down on the sofa next to Henry:

"Okay, I can only speak for myself. I am starving. And I know that they have a first class vending-machine downstairs. So maybe we can ask Detective Halstead here, if he can use his expertise on choosing for us from the menu. Or you can just order what you want."

Rianne tried not to be too content with herself for making Jay go on an errand run, she knew that he wasn't happy about this. But he had enough common sense to see that this was to lighten up the situation and get him some kind of distance for a moment.

"I for my part would like a soda and something with lots of chocolate in it. Anybody else?"

Henry still didn't say a word and kept looking at Rianne, but again his sister answered for him:

"He likes crackers and juice. I don't really care what that creep over there gets me."

* * *

Jay just raised one eyebrow at Rianne, making clear that he did not buy into her outwardly friendly behavior for one minute.  
But then his common sense, that it was a good plan to give him and the obviously still pissed-off girl some breathing space, kicked in.  
So he finally nodded and left the room, hoping nothing would happen in his absence. She really had the audacity to smile sweetly and wink at him when placing her order, knowing that if she scrunched her freckled nose up a bit, it almost came across as cute.  
He knew it was Rianne's way of getting back at him for being so tenacious about her coming down to the district asap and maybe general payback for their constant quarrels.  
He would never admit it, but it bothered him that he hadn't been able to handle the situation on his own and the minute she'd walked in the atmosphere had been much calmer.

Rianne Torres Delgado always made the impression that nothing could shake her, nothing. Besides from the heated discussions they had had in the past, she always kept her cool, even when dealing with difficult parents or children. She was known for being able to quickly create a bond with her clients by trying to see things from their perspective, trying to speak their language. And this not only in a figurative way.  
In the past six months that the department had been working with her, Jay had witnessed her being fluent in Spanish, Italian, German and Dutch. Jay kind of admired her for all of that, but when it came to certain circumstances, they didn't always see eye to eye.  
Maybe it wasn't so much she herself than the way her department dealt with things in general. Nevertheless he found her difficult and most of the time not very complying, mostly very opinionated.

Also in his eyes she was kind of odd. She had an undefined accent to her English that was sometimes more prominent, other times barely noticeable. Jay had learned from Adam, who had known her for far longer than she'd been working in this district, that she was not originally from Chicago, not even the US.  
Apparently her father was a senior diplomat from Argentina, her mother from the Netherlands.  
Obviously this had meant a lot of moving around in the world for her in her childhood and youth, he didn't know exactly where she had lived already.  
Certainly she had an eccentric dress-sense, not quite like the usual social worker in Jay's experience. He was almost sure, that he'd never seen her wear any jeans, instead always some vintage bohemian-style dress or skirt or wide pants, like it was the 60s and 70s out there. The golden hoop in her nose and those tattoos were a totally different matter altogether. Up until now he had only been able to see the ones on her ankles, wrists and underarm, but he was sure they weren't the only ones she had.  
Rianne looked more like an artist or a street worker, than a servant of the city that spent a lot of her time behind a desk filling out reports and forms.

When he got back upstairs, the door to the break-room was open.  
He inwardly sighed, thinking that the girl must have escaped, but when he entered the room with refreshments he found a totally different picture:  
All of the discarded and broken things had been cleared off the ground; Hailey had come back in the meantime with the two-year-old girl. Rianne now sat on the sofa with Henry on her lap. Lizzie, sitting beside them, had her little sister on hers, a single tear traveling down her face. Rianne said some soothing words to her, but kept her distance, sensing that Lizzie still didn't want to be here at all.

Jay almost couldn't believe this had turned around only in the matter of minutes.  
He placed the refreshments on the table, Rianne looked at him and nodded her thank you, before addressing everybody and nobody in particular in the room:

"I am so curious as to what Detective Halstead chose for all of you. I will go and take a look at it, seems he's just a pro at the vending machine," she stood up with Henry pressed to her side, who clung to her and didn't want to sit on his own stool at the table.

Lizzie slowly followed with her sister. They all gave them some time to "dig in" and have a bit of peace and quiet. Exchanging a few glances with Hailey Rianne then chose to address Lizzie again:

"Feeling a little better now?"

Lizzie just nodded, this time not so angry anymore.

"Do you think now we could maybe talk about some of the reasons you three are here?"

Jay almost expected Lizzie to start shouting and screaming again, throwing the soda can through the room or something like that, but she just shrugged her shoulders defeatedly.

"See, I have been told that you have been caught shoplifting and that there's no adult staying at your home for the time being. This has us really worried, and I think you are worried too. So if you could help us out and answer some of the questions the two Detectives have for you, I think we can make the best of this situation together. Nobody wants to punish you, we're just trying to understand what is going on."

Lizzie slumped her shoulders, more tears now springing to her eyes.  
As Rianne proved a helpful resource getting Lizzie to talk she was allowed to stay in the room for the questioning.

Somewhere along the way Hank Voight joined them, when he got back from the interrogation room, where he'd been occupied with working another case.

* * *

As it turned out the three children had been providing for their own for over a week now.  
Their mother had been in a psychiatric facility for over four months, their father trying to make ends meet, juggling his job and taking care of the three siblings at the same time. One day he just didn't return home from work.  
The unit had spoken to his superior, who showed them a form that had been filled out properly, saying he would take two weeks of vacation. The neighbors didn't give a damn; nobody had suspected anything, everybody minded their own business. Since the school year hadn't started yet after the summer, nobody missed Lizzie there either. If it hadn't been for the shoplifting incident of the eldest girl, they would have probably been on their own still.  
Their father was now officially ruled a missing person, but until a capable relative was found Rianne now had to take them back to her department, either placing them in a group home or with some luck finding a family that could take them in on this short notice.

She didn't like splitting up siblings in general, but she could not always prevent that from happening. Not every foster-family on standby wanted to deal with three new children at once. She had to make some calls first, asking another colleague to come down here, as she didn't have a car seat for a two year old. To have a bit of privacy, she left the children in the break-room with Upton and Halstead and went inside the locker room.

Cases like these still got her upset, as it did everybody else here handling this.  
But unlike Voight and Upton, who gave her the impression that they were all in this together, Jay Halstead had something on his mind he couldn't wait to confront her with. He was waiting for her when she got out of the locker-room after making her calls, arms crossed, eyes boring holes into her. Internally she knew this was not a good sign, but she couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth next:

"This is on you and your crappy department! These children suffered because of your negligence."

"Really? Are you serious?" This was ridiculous! "That's how you wanna play this?" She brushed past him, not wanting to endure more accusations. He followed her in hot pursuit through the room into the bullpen.

* * *

"Yes, I'm serious! If you would take better care of these families, none of this would have happened."

Somewhere deep inside of him Jay knew he was out of line, but he was just so angry. Just yesterday they had closed a case were an ex-social worker had recruited girls from one of her former classes and turned them into drug traffickers. His trust in the social system and the general nature of humans was quite disturbed right now. He couldn't seem to stop himself.

It didn't help that Rianne would have none of it. She stopped in her tracks and faced him. Her tone was agitated, but she managed to keep looking at him without the amount of hate that he had just directed at her. Just a small vein in her slender neck was pulsating rapidly and the color that had sprung to her cheeks gave away that this was an emotional matter for her as well:

"Detective Halstead, I think I don't have to explain to you that there are hundreds, hell thousands, of families in the city of Chicago who are struggling. Children having to take care of siblings, having to take care of their own. Not having the privilege of being born into a loving, providing family, and not being able to be raised as we would want them to be raised. Being bullied, being abused, being left alone and God knows what. Like I said I don't have to explain that, you probably know worse cases than I do. I get that you don't like it, neither do I, but that's the way the world is. I'm doing everything I can to help them and make it easier, but there is only so much I can do to prevent some things from happening. And I will not stand here and listen to any more of your accusations, just because maybe **you** have a hard time accepting that we can't save them all. Trust me, if I could I would take them all in myself, but I can't. I have dealt with that a long time ago, maybe you should begin too."

"Don't you dare psychoanalyze me Missie," Jay heard himself say in a quiet, not so friendly voice and couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth himself.

What was it with her that he got boiling over with anger every time?

"Missie? What are you, three?" she laughed a little hysterically at him, turned on her heel just leaving him to stand and stare after her and went back to the break-room, passing Hank Voight who had been listening in to their conversation.

Jay knew his Sergeant was ready to jump in, if he just uttered another word. As he was in a bad enough place with the boss right now, Jay kept his mouth shut, although he hated that Rianne had gotten in the last word. So he just watched her leave with the kids, radiating calm and trust, like that little shouting match hadn't just taken place.  
She took the youngest one in her arms, who had fallen asleep on the couch by now. Henry instantly grabbed her hand, which she extended to him, urging him to come with her now. He put his thumb in his mouth, keeping his small body close to hers as they went. Lizzie went on her own, still not happy with how the day had turned out for them, but following Rianne nonetheless. Voight nodded his goodbyes and Hailey called after them to let her know how it would go with the placement of the children, before sitting down at her desk.

Rianne didn't turn around again and just ignored him as he stood at the top of the stairs, seething with anger.  
It didn't take long before he heard Voight's booming voice call out in his back:

"Halstead – my office! Now!"

Jay guessed he was due for another lecture.

* * *

Hailey had begun to write up a report about the kids, which didn't take that long. She tried hard not to listen in to the conversation, that was taking place on Voight's office, but she could imagine what this was all about. Especially after Jay came back out, stormed off into the locker room, thunder in his eyes, and slammed the door shut behind him.  
Jay should really learn to keep himself more in check concerning Voight. Otherwise Hailey feared for his future in Intelligence at the moment. They had been going head to head for weeks now and Voight's patience with his otherwise well-liked detective was wearing thinner and thinner.

Keeping up with her partnerly duties she followed Jay bravely, knowing fully well that he would not want to talk about it, but she would make him do it anyway. This wouldn't be the first time she got through to him.

As she suspected, he was pacing the room like a tiger in a cage, trying to calm himself down or get worked up even more, she wasn't so sure yet. Hailey did not address him; she just stood in front of the exit and kept looking at him. Jay then stopped in front of her, raised his arms in the air and shouted:

"What?"

"I don't know, you tell me," she said calmly and waited for more pacing and running his hands through his hair on his end.

"I am **so** not going to apologize!"

"Is that what Voight told you to do?" she asked, but didn't get a direct answer.

"She could have gotten here earlier, helped us handle that situation better in the first place. And I still believe that her department could have taken a closer look at that family after their mother was institutionalized. I'm sick of all this."

"Jay, you know how these things go. Maybe they did, maybe in the beginning there was nothing to worry about. Things have gotten out of hand a week ago, no one checks on every family, every week, you know for yourself how many children, families and people in general would need our help, but some fall through the cracks, its inevitable. You can't blame it all on DCFS or her personally. And please excuse my candor, but I think you're overreacting, which is usually a sign that something else is going on with you."

Jay had been watching her talk; his face still writhed with anger. At her last words his mouth slightly twitched, then he turned and went to the basin, to splash some cold water into his face:

"She just annoys me, that attitude of hers is really something," he went on.

Hailey knew he would not back paddle now: "I think I quite like her. She certainly had a way with these children."

She didn't know Rianne that well; Hailey had met her a few times when she had been with Adam, on one of his cousin Nate's famous parties and on a weekend with several members of the Ruzek family at Mackinac Island.  
There had always been far too many people there to have time for a long and serious conversation, but Hailey felt like Rianne was a kindred spirit in some way. They did have something major in common concerning their life experience, but she didn't have to tell Jay that.

Jay was quiet for some time, slowly running his hands over the wet skin on his face until it was almost dry again. The he slumped down on one of the benches and put his head between his knees:

"She made me feel so stupid and incompetent today. I am usually good with kids, but this time – I kind of felt helpless. I wasn't sure how to connect with that girl. And then she waltzes in, in her hipster jumpsuit and everything just works out..."

She knew he didn't like not being in control, it reminded him of a time in his life that he'd rather wanted to forget. Hailey put her warm hand on his shoulder, urging him to look up at into her eyes:

"It's only natural, that we can't all handle every person the way someone else could. How many times do we experience that every day? I could get confessions from people you couldn't and vice versa. It's why we're all a team here with very different characters. Maybe you should start to see her as part of the extended team and not as your enemy. In the end we all want the same and I personally think her heart is in the right place. Don't let recent experiences cloud your judgment."

She let him sit on that for a while, before she made another suggestion:

"Maybe you should go home early. Blow off some steam, watch ESPN classics all night long, go to your gym, go for a run or whatever works for you. We've all been working overtime the last few weeks; maybe it has even been months. We tend to forget to care for ourselves in the meantime."

He mulled that over for a while until he agreed, took his brown jeans jacket and left the district.

* * *

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *


	2. Feel It Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Feel It Still" by Portugal.The Man

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"Hello beautiful! Glad you could make it," Stella Kidd from firehouse 51 was really glad to finally welcome her friend Rianne at Molly's tonight, wondering what had taken her so long this time.

Finally someone she could vent about how stressed out she was due to the leader's conference Chief Boden had told her he wanted to send her to. And there was certainly some new firehouse gossip that her friend hadn't yet been brought up to speed on.

Stella leaned over the bar and affectionately kissed the leggy, curly haired female behind it on both cheeks and let her slump down on her favorite barstool. Rianne usually sat at the end of the bar, where she could chat with Stella when she wasn't busy working and where she could watch the entrance.  
Another plus of this place was that it was nearest to the restrooms, which came in handy when she'd had a little too much to drink. Stella loved that the other woman was so into her quite practical habits.  
Sometimes Rianne even helped out Stella and her friend Hermann by occasionally covering bar-shifts. She was gifted with many talents and customers always liked a fresh face pouring them some drinks. As she was a trained social worker and almost-therapist they also loved her listening skills and advice.

Without asking what she wanted to order, Stella placed a shot of Tequila in front of Rianne, accompanied by a full glass of beer fresh from the tap. Rianne blew her a thankful kiss:

"Kelly coming out tonight?" she asked.

Stella just waved her hand and laughed a bit: "No, he's down with the flu."

Rianne rolled her eyes and looked at her with pity, knowing fully well that her long-term boyfriend was insufferable when sick.  
Although being a kickass fireman and Captain of Squad 3 at station 51, who handled every injury on the job as if it was nothing and without complaining, a simple cough would get to him and finally on Stella's nerves.

"Yeah, tell me about it, you can't imagine how much I looked forward to working this shift. I even switched the next two nights with Hermann."

They fell about laughing.

Stella talked and served drinks and had a laugh with some other friends and took a moment to admire the crowd that had as come in as usual on a Friday night.  
Most of them were first responders and almost everybody here was faced with little and bigger catastrophes everyday.  
They knew the hardships of the citizens of Chicago and tried managing their own private lives on the side. It was healthy to come together and let loose after dayshifts / nightshifts / 24 hour shifts, drink, laugh, flirt, talk or just sit here in silence.  
Unlike to people in other businesses there were fewer things to explain. Everybody had an understanding of what the other went through day to day.

She'd met Rianne four years ago. They had had a shared case involving two homeless boys 51 had picked up on a call and Rianne came to process them into the foster care system. They got to talking about the fate of children in this town, and the rest as they say was history.  
Although coming from very different backgrounds the two of them just clicked instantly, sharing a passion for going out dancing every once in a while or meeting up for cook-offs and relaxing with beers and a movie in their respective homes.  
In the past years there had been several family-, man- and general drama that had only added to the strong bond of their friendship. Stella loved Rianne's honesty and direct approach and pragmatism, as well as her level-headedness. It complimented her own impulsiveness pretty well. And under her tough outer shell her friend had a heart as soft and big as one could only imagine.

"Oh look, her comes the nice Halstead," Rianne exclaimed a little bit later, greeting the red-haired doctor who was approaching the bar out of the blue.

Stella hadn't really seen him come in, but then she had been fully invested in her conversation with Rianne at the moment.

"Why the nice Halstead?" Will laughed with his always-twinkling deep brown eyes as he gave Rianne a warm hug hello and nodded at Stella with a wink.

Will really was a sweetheart and a charmer. And even though he was the older one of the Halstead brothers, he seemed more carefree than his younger sibling Jay.

"Had another run in with your brother today," Rianne continued her conversation with him and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling.

Stella's ears pricked up at the topic. There had been **several** run-ins between the two of them in the last few months and she had been a witness once or twice. She wondered what this one had been about, although it probably didn't matter anyway. It seemed Rianne and Jay just knew how to push each other's buttons. Stella really hoped it didn't get busier, so that she could listen in a little longer.

"Oh, maybe that's why he wanted to meet up with me and hang. Did you make him cry?" Will signaled Stella for two beers.

"Don't tell me he's with you right now?" Rianne searched the room frantically, obviously being in no mood to face that man again today.

"No, I already had plans to come here with Natalie. But I said he could of course join us anytime. So maybe he'll show up at some point during the night," Will told her.

Natalie Manning was Will's fiancé and also a doctor at Chicago Med. The brown-haired, doe-eyed woman waved at them from a table at the opposite side of the bar.

"What is it with the two of you? You always seem to get into an argument with him at some point during cases," Stella wondered out loud, although she already had her own theories about that.

She didn't know Jay that well, but had interacted with him nonetheless. Kelly probably had more to say about the handsome detective and former Army Ranger, who always gave 150% on the job and sometimes forgot that there was a life outside of it. When she thought about it Rianne was not so very different from him. Maybe she knew more how to let loose once in a while, but otherwise she was a class-A student work-wise as well who tended to do more overtime than she really got paid for.

"I guess we're two very different people. And he's just fucking self-righteous and generally a pain in my ass," Rianne took a big gulp from her beer.

Stella was already on to making her a new one.

"Don't we all have a story to tell about that...," Will chuckled.

Stella knew he was able to name at least ten occasions in an instant where his brother had been getting on Will's last nerve and everybody knew that the two of them didn't always see eye to eye. But also everybody knew Will Halstead loved his little uptight brother with all his heart, loved that Jay was so invested in his work, in the people he tried to protect and that he just gave his all to be a good police officer and good man in general. Only sometimes Jay's cockiness, his temper, relentlessness and persistence got away with him.

When Will had left to be with his girl, Stella decided against further pressing the matter of Jay on Rianne and got straight into talking firehouse news:

"D'you know a guy named Ryan Pace?"

"Rings a bell, does he work in social services, younger guy, kind of a model type?"

"Yeah, he is. Sylvie met him on a call and I thought there was some flirting going on."

"Oh, is she up to it? I thought she just broke off her engagement?"

"Yeah, but…" and like that the chatter between them usually never stopped.

* * *

After his brother had told him over the phone, that he'd already made plans for the night, Jay decided to indeed go for a run, order in some food after taking a long hot shower and settle in front of the TV by himself.  
He just found he couldn't concentrate on any of the games that were on, which was odd. Usually it calmed him down and took his mind off things. Tonight he still felt agitated.  
His thoughts went back again and again to the conversation with his partner. Hailey had never been one to agree with him on everything, he knew that. But this time he wished she would have been totally on his side. Just for a little while. He'd been feeling a little lost and lonely lately.

Jay contemplated calling her to see what she was up to, but decided he wasn't in the mood for talking with someone who knew how this day had been like for him. He loved Hailey and their connection and that he was able to talk to her about anything and that she was calling him out on things occasionally. Only he didn't want to pour his heart out to her all the time.  
Jay wouldn't have minded having some fun for a change, but he found it hard to just get out and start having some. The last time he had tried to do that, fuck the consequences, it all had gone totally wrong.

Will had mentioned he was invited to join him and Natalie at Molly's any time. It was not ideal. Lately being around loved-up couples made him a little crabby, but he'd go stir crazy on his own tonight. Jay quickly changed back out of his sweats and after texting Will that he would make a quick appearance after all, he jumped into his truck and was on his way.

When he arrived the bar was in full swing. People filed in and out of the joint as the clock slowly made its way to midnight.  
Still people were finishing their shifts or preparing to go out clubbing after having a few drinks first, as it was a Friday Night.  
In front of the door he caught a glimpse of what seemed to be Adam's cousin entering, he kept watching out for Will and Natalie.  
As his eyes searched the room, which was packed to maximum capacity, he spotted a familiar face at the far end of the bar.

At the table that Molly's kept reserved for the staff, Stella and another female were laughing and talking animatedly.  
They were joined by the man Jay had correctly made out as Nate Ruzek, who hugged Stella and gave the other woman a tenderer hug, before kissing her forehead. When he sat down and the woman scooted back to make room for him she turned her face and Jay saw that it was Rianne Torres Delgado. Great!  
He shortly thought about just turning and leaving again, when he heard Will call out to him:

"Jay! Over here!"

Glad that they were sitting at a table with some other staff members from Chicago Med, far away from the end of the bar, he went over there. Maybe he could avoid making personal contact tonight. He just would not stay long and not use the restrooms, as they were right next to the table Stella, Rianne and Nate were occupying.

He even managed to do that and got to talking with Will's fiancé Natalie, Will and two other doctors from Chicago Med, his edgy feeling subsiding a little bit. But the longer they stayed and the more people left the bar to go home or continue their bar crawl somewhere else, the more he was aware of Rianne's presence in the room.  
It didn't help that she seemed to have a lot of fun with her two friends, laughing loud and often, her voice carrying over the noise of the rest of the bar from time to time.  
If he hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot with her from the start, Jay might have found she had a great laugh.  
It was real and deep and sounded carefree. It was not a giggly girly laugh; it was that of a woman. A woman who maybe had a few dark secrets to tell.

Actually he'd seen her around before she was detailed to the 21st district's business, but even then they had caught each other at a bad time. She'd blocked his car in at Chicago Med the day his father was brought there after his apartment complex had almost burned to the ground.  
Jay had later made the connection, that Rianne must have been there to visit Stella, who also had gotten hurt in the fire.  
But at the time she had just been that moron who was too stupid to park her van properly.

"Maybe you should start to see her as a part of the extended team." Hailey's words echoed back to him in his mind.

Jay couldn't help but wonder if she was in a relationship with Adam's cousin. Every time he looked over to their table the two of them seemed to be physically attached to one another. He forced himself to look away and tell himself that it wasn't any of his business and rather got another round for the table.

* * *

Nate had been working late and gone to Molly's on a whim, suspecting that Stella and Rianne surely would be out drinking and doing their thing. He also had a feeling that Rianne was in dear need of someone to pick her up afterwards.  
Telling from the call she had made to him after finishing up at work today it sure sounded like she'd get really drunk afterwards just for the hell of it.  
He felt responsible to get her home safely and prevent her from getting snatched off by someone or sleeping in her car again, because she was in no state to drive it back to their place. More than once she'd used her vintage ride's advantage of being a full on camper-mobile when she'd had one too many. And in the last two and a half years there had been somewhat more occasions where this was prone to happen.

At some point after two a.m. he decided it was time to get her out of there, feeling the moment where it got from over-the-top-funny to tremendously-sad slowly approaching the more liquor Rianne fed herself. Also he would be on call tomorrow for emergencies at his department and had to get three winks of sleep pronto.

Nate was glad she didn't put up a fight when he told her it was time to go. She just said a dramatic goodbye to Stella, kissing her on the mouth enthusiastically and hugging her tightly. He took her by the hand after helping her into her jacket.  
Rianne held on to him and buried her face into his shoulder for a moment, which made him smile. He lived for these moments of blind understanding between them. Nate loved how it had gotten so easy and uncomplicated and that she was never mean about her displays of affection.

They went past the table of the Chicago Med staff on their way out. Of course Rianne had to stop to say a special goodbye to Will Halstead, engulfing him into one of her famous "I got enough love for the whole wide world" hugs, that the doctor took with gratitude and humor. She then waved at Natalie:

"Bye Dr. Manning! You look so pretty tonight, as always!"

Nate tried to get their exit over with, but suddenly there was someone else in their way, just returning with several beers from the bar.  
Rianne's eyes went wide and she stopped smiling for a moment. Before Nate could do anything she had stepped up to Jay Halstead and poked her finger into his chest:

"No! You **don't** get a goodbye-hug. You've been the worst today! You should really get rid of your arrogant self-righteousness and use that pretty face to smile more often! Could be kind of cute if you accomplish that."

Dumbstruck Jay could not answer to that. Rianne made a big exaggerated step around him and went straight for the exit.  
Nate shrugged at Jay bemused, as always amazed how that girl could still talk straight after having one too many, and followed her quickly; afraid she might pass out in the streets.  
Behind his back he could hear Will Halstead laughing out loud at his brother, obviously lost for words for once.

Nate managed to get them to their home safely and without an incident. They drove in comfortable silence; Rianne seemed to be all-talked-out.  
When he'd parked the car in the garage he heard soft snoring from the passengers-seat and sighed a bit.  
He didn't have the heart to wake Rianne, so he carried her out of there, wearing her leather backpack and looking ridiculous with it, but he didn't care at all.

Forever thankful for the elevator in their apartment complex he managed to get her into their home without waking her.  
Just when he laid her down on the bed and began to undress her, she stirred and looked at him with her big blue eyes, not really surprised to find him hunched over her, getting rid of her clothes until she only had her top and panties left. Nate knew she didn't like to sleep with several layers on.  
Rianne sure was beautiful, especially when she had her guard down with him like right now. He pulled the pins out of her hair, holding up the dark curls that then fell down onto her shoulders and tenderly brushed a strand of the blonder ones behind her left ear.  
Rianne still looked at him with eyes clear as a summer sky.

"I wish Andrea was here now," she suddenly said. "I sometimes just still miss him so much."

There they were, the tears he'd been waiting for at some point during the night. Alcohol and a stressful day always had this effect on her. Nate got behind her into the bed, cradled her in his arms and slowly rocked her to sleep. He put a soft kiss behind her ear and mumbled:

"I know babe, I know. Me too," his own voice laced with grief.


	3. The World I Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "The World I Know" by Collective Soul

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"50-21 George, we're three blocks out, responding to assist on 22nd street." Jay answered dispatch right away.

It had been slow going this afternoon. Hailey raised her eyebrows at him and drove as fast as she could.

When they arrived at the run-down house they saw a mint-white vintage VW Van parked on the curb on the other side of the road. A patrol car had arrived before them and the officers were talking to someone standing right next to the squad car, in a long flowery skirt, also wearing a green leather jacket, a black hat and her signature small leather backpack. Jay rolled his eyes and got out of the car, while muttering in Hailey's direction:

"Can't that woman ever dress like a normal person? This is not a fucking fashion show."

Hailey didn't comment on that, just laughed inwardly and found herself wondering what exactly it was about Rianne Torres Delgado, that got her partner so riled up every time. That woman surely was rocking that outfit.

* * *

Rianne had wanted to make a standard checkup on a family with several foster children in their care.

When she went up to the house no one had answered, although she had talked to the mother yesterday who had confirmed the appointment. Normally she was a client Rianne could rely on to be there when she said to be, so this was the first thing that was odd about the situation. Second red flag was, that the two family cars were in the driveway.

"I don't know, maybe it's nothing, but I got a weird vibe. I'm sure something happened, but I didn't feel like playing hero today and go in on my own, so I called 911." She guardedly eyed Jay while she spoke to check where they stood after their last encounter with her poking him in the chest drunkenly and as it seemed telling him she thought he had a pretty face which could be put to better use than just looking sourly all the time.

Of course Nate had made sure to remind her about that grand moment of hers the morning after and the next following days. She normally wasn't easily embarrassed but she hadn't known herself that she might think of Jay as cute under any circumstances. A week had gone by without any other run-ins, so this was awkward.

When she found Jay looking straight through her and keeping it professional to a peak, it was fine with her too.  
Maybe he'd forgotten all about it by now or she thought a little too highly of herself to even consider this was even bothering him.

"Good, how many possible missing or endangered persons are we talking about?" Hailey inquired.

"6! Mr. and Mrs. Finley and four children, three boys and one girl. The boys are 11, 14 and 8 years old, the girl is 10," Rianne elaborated.

"Right, Upton and I will take the front entrance, you people take the back. We go in dark, no radios. Everybody waits for my command," Jay addressed the patrol officers, who quickly followed his lead.

Rianne hung back and had to wait, he didn't have to tell her to. She knew this wasn't her scene and had been living in Chicago long enough to know that nothing ever was not dangerous in these situations. Patrol left her in their squad car in case something happened, close to a radio, where she could call in further assistance if necessary.

She tried to dismiss the thought that although still not a fan of Jay Halstead it was kind of cool seeing him manage the call like that and take the lead. He surely was in his element here.

Adrenaline rushed through her system, when she suddenly heard several gunshots being fired. Her heart beating out of her chest she looked for something that would tell her what exactly was going on inside the house, but no one ran out until ten minutes later.  
To her surprise she saw Mr. Finley being chased by Upton and Halstead, Jay sprinting as if his life depended on it to bring the man in front of him down. His long legs made way impressively fast, so that shortly behind some neighbors' gardens he was able to catch the other man, sitting suddenly on top of his back and cuffing him.  
Hailey approached the patrol car, trying to catch her breath, then spoke into her radio and signaled for Rianne, that it was okay to get out.

"What the hell happened?"

Hailey was pale and looked at Rianne like she would rather turn around than talk about what she'd just witnessed.

In the meantime one of the patrol officers joined them with two of the children Rianne knew from previous visits, the younger ones, a boy and a girl.  
When they saw her they started to run the short distance and threw themselves into her arms. All of a sudden with two very upset and crying children that had almost knocked her to the ground, she again looked at Upton for some kind of explanation. Then she heard the sirens of two ambulances coming nearer.

"Dad shot mom and Tony and Mike..." the little girl managed to scream between fearful and desperate sobs.

Rianne couldn't believe it, what the hell had happened? When she saw Hailey's face she knew that the kid wasn't lying.  
Her hands turned ice-cold and sweaty altogether and for a moment the ground beneath her seemed to shake really hard. Taking several deep breaths she then kicked herself into operational mode. She had to think about the children now. Hugging them closer to her and trying to calm them down with little words and gestures of comfort she saw that when the ambos rolled up, they ran up to the house, recovering three bodies. Only one of them was quickly transported to Med, the life of a 14 year-old hanging on by a thread. The other two were send straight to the coroner's cars that rolled in. More and more police cars turned up, the tech guys and Sergeant Voight, Adam and Kevin and Intelligence newbie Vanessa Rojas as well.

Rianne was told to take the kids back to the station with Hailey to get their statements and take them into her custody afterwards. Jay and Voight himself transported Mr. Finley. She couldn't even begin to understand what his motives for such a gruesome deed had been, but she was sure she'd have a hard time coping with the fact, that she had not seen this coming.

* * *

In the evening she found herself driving to Chicago Med in her free time. She just had to check on the oldest boy herself, see if they had been able to safe him.

Every statement had been taken, at least for today, and she had placed the two children with the most trustworthy and experienced social workers concerning trauma-cases for the night. Tomorrow she would have to face the aftermaths of today again.  
She always had to keep some kind of distance or she would have taken in all those kids herself, like she'd been tempted to in other cases before. But that was unprofessional, as Nate liked to remind her. Sometimes she would get angry with him for being so rational, but she knew on the other hand he'd been her saving grace for more than once, as she tended to get over-invested when having turned all her emotions on.

Just focused on the tasks of her job, not on her own feelings towards everything, she scanned the E. D. for doctors and nurses she was acquainted to. It was always easier to get information from them than others. She was glad to find Maggie Lockhart who quickly brought her up to speed and showed her to the room of the injured boy, who was alive and out of surgery. He still hadn't woken up, but Rianne wanted to see him anyway. Unfortunately the first face she saw in front of the ICU room was Jay Halstead's:

"And yet again another case where crappy parents made the life of several children a living hell. You really know how to pick them!"  
He was right up in her face when he saw her; so livid that his eyes were like two green flames, waiting to burn her.

For once she was speechless, because he uttered the words she had been able to push into a far away corner of her mind. They were useless and negative thoughts, but nonetheless there they were, out in the open.  
Rianne took a deep breath and gathered her last nerves for the day to answer him calmly:

"I'm not in the mood to get into this with you right now, again. All I care about is being there for that boy who is going through severe trauma. He just lost a sibling, a place that he hoped he could call his home and people he trusted. And believe me, I have a pretty good idea how some of that feels like." Her eyes welled up just the tiniest bit as she spoke the last words.

Then she followed the nurse into the room where the kid was lying.

* * *

"Come on, don't do this to yourself. You know it's not your fault this happened. You can't predict everyone who's going to turn out a psychopath," Nate urged her to be sensible and not get over-involved again.

She knew he didn't want her to stay at the hospital tonight, he wanted her to come home to give her a good talking to or distract her with a glass of wine and a movie. But Rianne was adamant to stay as long as nobody kicked her out of here. Nonetheless she could not go without calling and talking to him.

"Jay Halstead would tell you otherwise," she answered him in a bitter voice.

It was obvious from his tone that Nate tried his best to keep himself in check, he was so furious:

"What right has he to be messing with your head again? He should take a good look at himself. I know for a fact that there are things he can't be too proud of in his career and his life. He's been accused of many things, even been a murder suspect more than once. The man has even been in the army and apart from surely providing a good service to our country he certainly killed innocent people in the process. You can't let him get to you. They only need someone to blame this on to make themselves feel better about this god-awful and cruel human race."

He could have gone on like that for hours. Rianne knew very well that certain topics got Nate riled up and dead serious, although he normally was an easy-going and good-humored man, like all the Ruzek's were.

"Yeah, his approach is totally out of line, but you know he's not totally wrong. We both know, that our system isn't ideal. How many times have we applied for more personal? We barely get the caseload managed and recruiting, training and supervising foster-parents is a matter even I don't want to get into right now."

"Yes, I am aware of that. But this has nothing to do with you – I know how invested you are. I have been working with you for almost 6 years now and known you for more than twelve. Don't let him get inside your head!"

Of course he had gotten there already. Rianne couldn't help but stir over everything Jay had accused her with today and last week, and her own guilt and despair as she sat down with Tony in his room in the E. D. , holding his hand and praying he would make it through the night and that he knew she was here for him, that he wasn't alone.


	4. Circles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Circles" by Post Malone

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

The next morning Jay went straight to Med again to see if there was any progress on the boy from the shooting. As soon as he was stable he would have to get his statement for the case they were building against his foster dad.

When he arrived he saw his brother standing in the E. D., next to the room Tony had been in the other day. An exhausted looking Rianne Torres Delgado was with him, still in the clothes she'd worn the day before.  
They were talking in hushed voices and when she caught sight of Jay closing in on them, she cut the conversation short. She gave Will a quick but nonetheless affectionate hug and left without looking at Jay another time or uttering a single word in his direction.

Honestly he felt a little crappy, obviously he had hurt her by saying what he said yesterday. He knew it wasn't really her fault, but in these past months there had been so many things about the social system and all the politics (really especially in the police department) that he hated, so much pain and suffering he'd seen, that it was easier to blame someone for it.  
Also he found that his main emotion these days to keep doing his job and stay sharp was anger. He felt that if he let something else in, like pity and empathy, he would crack. He'd been feeling exhausted and on edge. Anger kept his fire burning, numbing out everything else.

"What's the matter with all that tight hugging between you two all the time? I thought she was kind of seeing Nate Ruzek," Jay said to Will after having witnessed yet another good-bye-scene with Rianne and his brother he didn't quite understand.

* * *

"Excuse me Detective, we're just really into this affectionate thing humans do from time to time, maybe you should try to find someone who gives you a hug on a regular basis too. I heard it was good against moodiness. And just FYI - she's **not** with Nate Ruzek. Last time I checked they were just really close friends who live and work together. Interesting that this concerns you. Nice try sneaking in that question unnoticed, but you've been busted," Will snapped, slightly annoyed that his kid brother was always so serious.

He'd been even more serious and closed-off since their dad had died. Will thought Jay must still be carrying around some guilt because he hadn't been able to say a proper good-bye rather than that awful last conversation they had had.

"Ha, bloody ha," Jay rolled his eyes. "Seriously though, how do you know her? I cannot remember you being so friendly with everyone you just work with sometimes."

"If you must know: I was her doctor once. Like two and a half years ago."

"And can you tell me why and what for or is that against doctor-patient confidentiality?"

"No I think it's not, because it was all over the news at that time. And I'm sure you can find out everything about her on your databases..."

* * *

He'd have to open-up a case-file for that, but by pulling some strings with their tech-guys he probably could do that. But Jay decided to just listen closely to his brother for now. Maybe he would get confirmation that his radar had not been off and there was something wrong with her. Maybe she was a mass murderer, a secret drug addict, a con artist, something like that. He silently urged Will to go on with the story.

"She was brought in with ten other victims. There had been a massive car pile up on Michigan Avenue in a snow storm, maybe you remember. She and her husband were in a car and got hit by a truck that ran a red light. Four other cars crashed into them, only five of the people involved survived that accident. All the others died on scene or in the hospital. She'd been with her husband in the car, he didn't make it because of a massive head-trauma — he was pronounced brain-dead shortly after the ambulance had brought him to Med. They'd just gotten married like four months before it all happened. I won't give you her full life-story, if you wanna know more you'd have to ask her yourself. Maybe it would even be good to talk about something else than always finding faults with each other. I can safely say she had severe injuries and had to stay in the hospital for a long time, so we saw a lot of each other for a while and talked. When she got to work again she was called to the hospital from time to time to work on social cases we had. I was really impressed how she got herself together after that tragedy. She's a smart woman, certainly a tough one too and she can give you a run for your money when it comes to being stubborn. Rianne's been here all night keeping tabs on the kid, holding his hand. I guess she does not get paid to do that! You can interview him by the way, he woke up an hour ago," Will slapped his brother on the shoulder with some medical charts he was holding and left him standing there.

Jay quickly benched every feeling he might have had about these revelations for later. He almost wished he hadn't asked his brother. It would have been simpler to see this woman only from one angle and not so many more all at once.

* * *

Back at the station Adam caught up with him in the locker-room:

"Is the boy all right?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's kind of a miracle, but he's doing great. I was able to interview him this morning, just have to write that down now."

Jay put his bag with the change of clothes he always brought into his locker and wanted to head into the bullpen to catch up with the others, but Adam was suddenly in his way, acting a little strange, almost as if he was embarrassed to say what he was about to say:

"That's good news. Hey man, look – I normally don't like to get involved, but I got a call from my cousin today. You know: Nate?"

Jay was curious as to where this conversation would lead. He looked up at Adam from behind the door of his locker:

"Hm, I know him, seen him around... What's up?"

"He was a bit pissed because it seems you've been up Rianne's ass the last few times you two met. He said it was uncalled for? I don't know what the deal between you two is, but she's a nice girl, so maybe you should back off a bit."

"So, everyone keeps telling me! Has she been mouthing off to him about me?" Jay was taken aback.  
He wouldn't have picked her for running to "Daddy" just because someone took away her toy.

"Come on man, relax a little. I got the idea that he was just concerned about her. She took the case we had yesterday pretty hard and you accusing her of being responsible didn't help much. Honestly I myself don't really get what your problem is with her, and I think maybe you two just got off on the wrong foot and should get to know each other better. As a matter of fact her and my cousin are playing a gig at Molly's this weekend. Why don't you come see them?"

Jay didn't answer Adam and just left him standing in the locker room. Everybody just should stop getting on his nerves already.


	5. Bright Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.: So, I hope all you Upstead shippers won't kill me and unfollow the story as it is now more than obvious this is not where this is going. I really love Hailey and Jay together in the series, but as there are already so many beautiful storys about them out here I felt like I wanted to tell a different one. I hope you like it nonetheless and you keep reading. I surely appreciate it!
> 
> Chapter Title "Bright Lies" by Giant Rooks

It had been one hell of a crazy week for Chicago.  
The whole city had been under thread of bioterrorism because a desperate virologist had gone around infecting people on purpose with a flesh-eating bacteria that had caused several fatalities.  
Bodies had been dropping all over the city, at Chicago Med people had been taken into quarantine, Intelligence had been chasing a ghost for the bigger part of the week.  
In the end the offender had been upper handed or rather shot by Hank Voight; Jay Halstead almost infecting himself with the deadly bacteria (even though he had hoped that his brother Will would come up with an antidote right in time) in order to defuse the stand-off with the offender long enough for his unit to move in.

Everybody was in a rush to celebrate life, being alive and making the most of it that weekend night, so it wasn't too hard for Rianne and Nate to gather a big crowd at Molly's that would gladly listen to their music.

At first Jay hadn't really been into the idea of spending the first night with the virus infection in check, case closed, at this gig.  
But he wanted to spend time with his unit, possibly his brother as he knew he'd show up once his shift was over. Maybe in the face of more dangerous and important things to care about than his on and off quarrels with a social worker, he should give it a try and start to warm up to her and the fact that their paths would inevitably cross from time to time.  
He'd again been facing possible death. Every time he thought it would loose some of its thread, but he found it really didn't. And even though Jay had been pretty reckless again and put himself in the middle of an impossible situation he was even surer: He wasn't finished living his life. Maybe he should start to enjoy a bit of it right now, today.

The place was packed up to the max, everybody already in roaring spirits when he arrived a bit later than most people.  
Jay quickly found the corner where his colleagues Kevin, Adam, Vanessa and Kim were on their second round of beers and joined them, checking the location with a usual scan of his surroundings. It was a habit he couldn't get rid of even if he tried. He knew Hailey was still at Med with the little girl she got quite attached to while sharing quarantine with her. Jay knew his partner well enough to not expect her to come tonight. These last few days had asked a lot of her. He was extremely glad she was not in imminent danger anymore and doing okay as she had assured him just minutes ago over the phone.

In the far end of the room, near the doors to the restrooms, Stella, Hermann and Mouch had built a tiny little stage, decorated with a Persian rug and some old lampshades. Three people up there were already playing their music to the crowd.  
He recognized Nate Ruzek on the right hand corner of the stage, playing a blue electric guitar, concentrated and feeling his tunes.  
In the back Matt Casey from 51 was at the piano, surprising Jay. He knew Matt played piano for fun, but he didn't know he was playing with Nate and Rianne in a band.

He took a good look at her too: Instead of her usual flowing skirts and blouses and what-not, she wore a short hot pant jumpsuit, tight fitted and of a moss-green velvet fabric that hugged her curves just right, taking him by surprise.  
It was sexy and daring, but still decent where need be. Her dangling golden earrings and a single golden necklace on her were reflecting the twinkle-lights of the bar. The thing that caught his eye most was her dark auburn hair with the golden streaks and ends. It was down for once and fell in soft curly waves just below her almost bare shoulders.  
Jay had never seen her wear her hair down like that. Normally it was hidden beneath a headscarf, up in a ponytail or even more frequently in a messy bun. More than once he'd seen her pull up her hair with a pencil. The shock of hair on full display changed her whole posture and gave a softness and youth to her face. He knew she was 32, but tonight she didn't look older than in her mid-twenties.

Rianne had a light yellow bass guitar and seemed completely lost in her vocals and the meaning behind those words he couldn't quite grasp. They seemed to hold very personal contents.  
The whole room was filled with an air of intimacy inspired by the amount of people huddled together. Somehow she'd drawn everyone in with that raspy and deep, other times clear as a silver bell, voice of hers. A vulnerability that he had never detected when talking to her in person was clearly to be heard in every syllable of her lyrics and the more he listened the more he fell under some kind of spell too. He couldn't take his eyes off her anymore.

* * *

Rianne was suddenly very aware of a face in the crowd she didn't expect to be here tonight.  
Standing out in the back of the room because of his height and upright soldier posture, hair cut immaculately, eyes piercing, it was unmistakably him.  
Jay Halstead had his arms crossed over his chest and even from the distance she noticed his ridiculously toned biceps showing under the sleeves of his washed-out grey t-shirt. He was a good-looking pain in the ass, she had to give him that. When she caught him watching her across the room, his otherwise motionless face slightly twitched. Did he just smile an actual smile at her?  
Rianne wondered if Jay had been here all the time, all through their set, but then again: who wasn't here tonight?

She was elated by the response of the audience all through their very personal songs and their first time performing them in public. It felt unreal and without a doubt satisfying. She looked at Nate and saw her own emotions about this reflected in his eyes. He loved this too. It was almost sad to be announcing the last song, because they had had so much fun preparing for this and then playing in front of so many people:

"This next song is very close to my heart. I wrote it at a time where I thought I would never be okay again, but as you listen to it you will find that there was a little spark of hope inside of me, that maybe someday, miraculously, everything would fall back into place. I'm grateful that it has for most parts anyway. I want to give a special thanks to my friend Nate here and everybody else who has been so supportive. I love you guys, thank you! Thank you for coming out tonight and seeing us! Thanks to the crew of Molly's for making this happen. We are "Call it a Day" and this song's „To the light". Have a good night everyone!"

Stella, Kelly and Hermann were whooping, clapping and cat-calling behind the bar, and everybody else joined in. A fresh rush of adrenaline took hold of her. She couldn't help to keep looking back in the direction she now knew Jay was, feeling a little bit more stage-fright in his presence, but also even more ambitious to show him that she had other skills besides being the failure of a social worker he obviously saw in her. Rianne tried to sing her heart out even more and somewhere along the way she forgot everything around her and got just caught up in the moment, loving that she still had the ability to let herself go.

* * *

"Are you all right man?" Adam rested one big hand on his shoulder tentatively as if expecting Jay would maybe freak out, like he had done before when he'd woken him from a nap in the office once.

It was never a good thing to be catching an ex-soldier off guard, although he had been working on that a bit.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Jay blinked a few times to get rid of the moisture that had built up in his eyes.

He realized everybody else had begun to move around again. The lights had been turned up to the normal settings, but he just stood there, still in a daze. That last song of the band and that voice had really gotten to him. Having experienced similar times of despair, it felt like Rianne's song had engulfed him in a warm and understanding hug that almost was too good to be true, like she had seen right into his soul and planted a kiss there, saying everything would somehow be okay again. He didn't really get a chance to fully recover from the feeling of being touched so deeply and analyze how he felt about that. It was dangerous and kind of comforting as well.

Nate and Rianne had made their way through the crowd by now, obviously not to join him, but Adam, Kevin and Kim. The two cousins and Kevin fist bumped dramatically and Adam took Rianne into his arms, whooping:

"I'm so proud of you kiddo! That was really awesome!"

Jay was a bit confused: kiddo was not the kind of nickname he would have chosen for someone like Rianne. She always seemed so grown up to him and anything but a small child. But he knew Adam and her had known each other for a while now, maybe he didn't get it. Kim and Rianne also hugged and exchanged words about the gig. Nate closed in on Jay, a slight hostility in his eyes. He must still be pissed at him for having a go at his precious lead-singer last week, Jay thought. Nevertheless the Ruzek offspring approached him and extended his hand:

"Glad you all could come. I heard you had some busy days this week. Thanks for saving the city from that maniac by the way!" he said sincerely and Jay just nodded in appreciation and shook his hand.

He didn't like to be honored in public for doing his job, but he didn't want to make a big deal out of it.  
He took a moment to compare the two Ruzeks he was faced with to each other. Nate looked like a slightly younger and more clean-cut version of Adam, all in all he was lighter. His hair, his eyes, his weight, also he was a bit taller.  
Being the musician that he was there were the inevitable tattoos on his upper arms and hoops through both his ears. His blonde full facial hair was neatly trimmed like he'd come fresh out of a barber shop. Jay didn't know what to make of him really or what his deal with his roommate was, but he had the feeling he would find out soon enough. Whereas Adam was all in all a friendly and relaxed guy, when not dealing with criminals, Nate seemed to be more guarded around strangers.

Suddenly there was Will surfacing out of the crowd, congratulating Nate and Rianne. His brother then took the arm of latter and towed her into Jay's direction like he was on a mission. Jay soon found out he was indeed, when he spoke up, clearly already a bit drunk:

"I heard you've been having some trouble with my little brother. I already apologized on his behalf, but maybe you can count his being here and listening to your music, even paying his fee at the door like any other fan, as a sign of good will and make peace, even if it's just for one evening. So, kiss and make up, it would give great peace to my poor old soul."

Jay couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was totally embarrassed and would get back at his brother for this for sure. Adam took the opportunity to join in, putting his arms around Rianne and gesturing to Jay:

"And I would like to add that he did not just listen, but I saw he felt every emotion you tried to bring across, so I think you can say he is really invested in this truce."

Adam was clever enough to duck away, otherwise he would have had Jay's fist in his kidneys right away. Jay felt his face getting hot like a schoolboy's who'd been made fun of in front of the class and in front of the hot teacher. Wait, what? Hot teacher?

"Oh, and I thought you had just come to insult me again," Rianne addressed him for the first time since joining them.

Her expression was wary, but her eyes were twinkling with mischief and slight amusement, probably because his fellow men just made their embarrassing speeches. She raised her eyebrows slowly, looking him up and down. Did she just check him out? Or did she assess her chances of tackling him if things went downwards and they ended up in a fight as usual?

"No, I actually thought you were brilliant up there," Jay said honestly and almost went back on his own promise to play nice, when he saw her surprised but still belligerent stare.

She was a piece of work nonetheless and there was just something about her that challenged him. Couldn't she just take the compliment?

"Anyone fancy a drink? I'll buy!" Adam interrupted, taking their orders and grabbing Kim and especially Nate, who had been eying the developing contact between Jay and Rianne disdainfully.

Jay suddenly found himself alone there with Rianne. His brother, Vanessa and Kevin had walked off to god-knew-where as well.  
There was an awkward silence for a minute, but none of them found an excuse to be somewhere else instead, so Jay swallowed his pride and tried to get the conversation between them going while they waited on their drinks to be delivered.  
Telling from the amount of people gathered in front of the bar Adam and Co. would take some time to get back.

To be heard over the noise and voices around them Jay had to lean in a little closer to her. She didn't flinch and he caught a whiff of her sweet oriental perfume. Suddenly he wanted to breathe it in a little bit deeper:

"So, how long have you and Nate been doing this? And I didn't know Casey was part of the deal."

Jay thought it was easier to pick up on why they both were here tonight and to his relief she went with it. The way he had spoken to her the last time they'd seen each other she would have had every right to just ignore him completely, but she answered politely:

"Oh, Nate and I have been playing together on and off since university, but never quite so publicly. Normally we just play for fun and for friends, at private events and for ourselves at home. I **really** did enjoy tonight though! Sharing this with more people has actually been a dream come true. We started out with cover songs, but now we've got some of our own stuff. And like a few weeks ago we thought a piano player would be a nice addition, so we asked Matt if he'd like to join us. I'm **so** glad he said yes. He's not that extrovert normally when it comes to his music."

The light in her eyes when she talked about her passion was something he had only ever seen when she interacted with children, he noticed. Never had this light been directed at him in any conversation they had been having, for obvious reasons.

"Oh I think he enjoyed himself tonight. Good to see so many happy faces around here after all this crazy shit," he added to keep the conversation going.

"Yeah, I heard you were a real hero and almost sacrificed yourself for the good of Chicago?"

He wasn't sure if she made fun of him or not. And also how would she know what had been going down?

"Adam told Nate – Nate told me, Stella told me as well... You see we all really like to talk..." It was spooky how she'd read his thoughts.

He couldn't really answer her directly and kept looking at her shoes that were actually red animal print suede ankle-boots.  
Jay thought that he really hung out with too many people who dressed very plainly. Where the hell did one get these kind of things?  
She wore them right, he had to give her that. Her style was always a well-orchestrated composition, he realized for the first time.

Rianne seemed to have noticed, that he was uncomfortable and probably couldn't tell wether she was joking when she complimented him just now or if she was telling the truth, so she elaborated:

"I'm not kidding – I mean, you guys always face these situations head on and everybody from 51 and Med as well – I am really proud that I can call some of these fearless people my friends."

He wondered what her reference to him would be, what category she'd put him in. Enemy? Asshole? A no one?

"Thanks, but... I guess I don't think of myself as a hero. I chose this job with all of its consequences and I did what I thought was right, even though maybe it could have gone sideways. And I don't regret it. Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie and couldn't handle a monotone desk job anyway. I have chosen this over anything else so many times... Just sometimes there could be a little more peace and quiet, maybe." Jay realized he'd just spoken his mind about something he almost never shared with anyone.

Especially since she hadn't been asking about this exactly.  
Not wanting to pursue this line of conversation he quickly changed directions. Suddenly it felt like he was tapping into dangerous territory, especially with her looking at him like an understanding therapist. There was just something about this look, that made him want to let her see into all of the dark corners of his mind, so he quickly pulled up his guard. Maybe that's how she always got those children and teenagers to talking and trusting her. Those eyes were really quite hypnotizing at closer inspection.

"So maybe you guys should make this a regular thing, a bit like these karaoke nights? There could be open-mic nights. I know I'd come and listen..." Not that this had been a safer thing to say. What was he rambling about?

"You would? I thought you didn't like me…" Again there was that intensive and inquiring stare of hers.

Couldn't she just let it go and don't get him to talk about things he didn't feel comfortable talking about? Or even didn't want to think about? But he heard himself saying:

"That's not exactly true. I mean, I think there's so much more social services and DCFS could do. Deep down I do know it's not really your fault. I get to experience that hazard of bureaucratic crap and politics myself all the time. I think I've seen too much drama, too much suffering these last years and I... I was handling it poorly and you always showed up ready to pick a fight with me – I gladly took out my anger on you. I guess it's your fault that you come across as a worthy opponent who doesn't fold after the first blow," he cracked a famous 'Halstead half smile' in her direction.

"I am sorry!" He nodded at her sincerely after a little pause.

Jay looked back to the shoes that still fascinated him and then back up at her from under his lashes. One might say it was an effective move that hid his own insecurities and came across kind of intense. Maybe even cute. Hadn't she said that to him, that she thought he could be kind of cute if he smiled more often?

"Wow – I wasn't expecting that..." she looked at him incredulously and if he was not hallucinating her cheeks had gotten slightly rosier.

Was **she** nervous or embarrassed?

"What?"

"Honesty? An apology?" She now had fully turned around to him, facing him directly.

The overhead-lights of the bar were still twinkling in her golden necklace. Close to he could read what it said for the first time:  
"Sempre tu, amore." He wondered if this had some kind of deeper meaning. It probably did, his Italian just about covered the meaning.  
He had noticed that despite whatever other jewelry she was wearing, she never took off this necklace. It must have been a gift from her husband.

Of course Jay had researched the accident she had been in after Will had told him what had happened to her, it was in his nature.  
He had found out that the name of one of the male victims had been Andrea di Varese. Age and everything he had read in the public records had fit. He must have been Rianne's husband, although he wondered why she didn't carry his name then or not anymore. Her own name was quite a mouthful, he'd have that changed in an instant. Andrea had just turned 30 a few months prior to the accident, a son of Italian immigrants. His parents were still living in Berwyn, and had come to the US in 1992 from a small town near Livorno, Italy, when Andrea had been a little child. He later studied at the University of Chicago and worked on-and-off as a designer until his tragic death. The police records said that the streets had been so slippery that day due to the weather conditions in February that the truck driver hadn't been able to get his vehicle to stop at the red light. His attempts at breaking frantically had led to the container sliding sideways and hitting Rianne's and Andrea's car. Maybe they would have both been dead if they'd hit the truck head-on. Nevertheless it had been one hell of a multiple smash-up and a bloodbath in pure white snow. The pictures of car wrecks and the accident site in general had been gruesome.  
Jay wondered what else besides this necklace Rianne carried around with her that always reminded her of a future she was once sure to have and that had been taken from her. Why the hell was he thinking about this now?

When Jay looked up again, he found he couldn't say anything; he felt like he was drowning in her eyes that were still watching him, for once not in a scornful but a curious way. She had painted them with black eyeliner for the occasion and it gave them a feline touch. They were so disturbingly blue against her tanned golden skin. She had to have been frequently outside in her time off for the last few weeks, catching the sun, making the freckles on her nose stand out more prominently.  
He tried very hard to brace himself against everything that stirred up inside of him, like the ache to run his fingers through her soft curls. What was happening here?

* * *

"I don't like it!"

Nate kept looking back at his friend and Jay Halstead. Thank god he was so tall that he was towering over most people in the bar, so that he could keep an eye on everything that was going on a few feet from were they were still waiting on their drinks to be served.

"Nate, relax! She's a big girl and she can handle herself. Also you should maybe let her be for once in a while. I think you have been her guardian for long enough now. Let her make her own choices."

Adam did not try to tell his cousin this for the first time. Although he had used more careful words with him the last chance he got to talk to Nate about Rianne. Maybe it was time for a direct approach.

"What do you mean?" Nate stared at him like he would like to pick a fight any time now.

He generally didn't like being told what to do or think, especially when it came to this topic.

"I mean, that you don't have to replace Andrea, you can't ever do that. And maybe it's time for her to get out and dip her foot into the water again, but you have to give her space to do it."

"I don't think she's ready." Nate was adamant that he was the only expert on his friend's needs concerning getting over their shared loss of an important person in their lives.

He had been there for her through the whole deal. It had been a tragedy that still affected both of them to this day and probably would for the rest of their lives. Nate had been friends with Rianne since first day freshman year in college, by then she had just lived in Chicago for two years with her family.  
He'd been one of the reasons she had wanted to stay behind in this city, rather than move again with her family when sophomore year started. They had connected instantly, enrolled in the same courses, shared their passion for making music and hung out at concerts and festivals longer than Nate could really think and finally he'd been the one who introduced her to Andrea one fateful day over twelve years ago.

He had known Andrea since high-school and had stayed friends with him even though the Italian went to a different college after graduation and didn't live in the same neighborhood. The three of them became almost inseparable, as Andrea and Rianne fell in love pretty much on first sight and that was it.  
The day he got the call about two of his closest friends being involved in a major car accident still counted as the worst day of Nate Ruzek's life. These things did not happen to people like them, he'd always thought. Maybe he'd still been extremely carefree by then.  
He'd been spiraling himself, but kept it together for Rianne, who was devastated, on the verge of never surfacing under a wave of grief and depression.  
In an attempt to get her life back together she had finally bought the loft they were currently living in with her trust fund money, moved in and realized she wasn't ready to be on her own, so she had asked Nate to move in with her. That was basically how they had spent the last two years.  
Rianne had told Nate countless times that she couldn't have survived loosing Andrea if he hadn't been there to catch her and that living with him was everything she had hoped for. How could things suddenly change? How could she even consider to move on to another man, even if it was just for a fling or flirt?

"I think it's her decision. And from the looks that these two are exchanging, it's already happening."

Adam himself was hurting to have to tell it like it was, but he knew he wasn't wrong. He'd known Rianne for some time now too and though he not always was too perceptive when it came to his own love-life, he'd been aware of the sparks that had been flying from the first encounter of Jay and Rianne, even if the two of them claimed they hated each other. But there was something there. And he hadn't seen Rianne interacting with another male the way she did with Jay ever since he'd seen her with Andrea. Normally she didn't give a rat's ass about what other people thought of her, but somehow he had noticed it mattered what Jay thought of her.  
Even if it was just a good excuse to get mad at him and curse him again.  
Of course his cousin didn't want to see it, but he had his own reasons for that:

"No way! She hates his guts!"

"Hm... they both hate their guts, but only on the outside," Kim had to endorse Adam's point.

"They also look like they want to tear each other's clothes off because they hate each other so much," Stella added for good measure from behind the bar.

* * *

After their drinks had been brought to them, there were more people coming to talk to Rianne and compliment on the gig, have a chat, but they came and went and funnily enough she kept being drawn back to Jay's proximity. She was very aware of his physical presence as the bar was still crowded and there was not much space to keep a safe distance.

After chatting about this and that for a while they'd settled in an almost comfortable silence, respectively sipping their drinks.  
Rianne had to be honest with herself that not only her fruity wine had gotten her all sparkly inside.  
But then Jay cleared his throat and looked at her sincerely:

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry about your husband. I just found out a few days ago and when you sang that last song – I guess you were talking about that time back then?"

Rianne felt like somebody had popped a needle into her nice bubble. Her face fell:

"Oh – so this is why you're suddenly talking to me and making nice? You pity me..."

"What? No – that's not at all what I'm doing, I..." He looked truly taken aback by her reaction, but she didn't care.

She was already in defense mode, her heart in her ears and her vision almost too blurry to see straight:

"Save it Halstead – you don't have to pretend you care. I don't need this!"

She turned away from him, left him standing and calling out after her. She needed to get far away and gather her inner strength.  
Rianne wasn't sure why something had just snapped hearing him mentioning Andrea, not by name, but why did he have to bring it up at all? Why was it so unbearable hearing it out of his mouth when she was carrying this burden around with her anyway, everyday in and out since the day he died?  
And sure, tonight on stage she had somehow let everybody see a part of her she mostly kept hidden pretty well. But nobody had addressed it quite so directly afterwards.

The back room (or kitchen) at the far end of the bar was her "go to" spot and safe haven right now. It had to have some advantage being friends with the bar-owners and an occasional-employee. Rianne couldn't help the tears welling up in her eyes once she was out of the main room, somehow shielded from the overall noise. She had to take several deep breaths to not freak out and bolt completely from this event.  
When she heard the door swing open, she turned around quickly, almost pulling a muscle. Rianne hoped against hope that it would just be Stella another friendly face, but no such luck. Couldn't he take a hint?

"Look, I'm sorry, all right, I didn't mean to offend you," Jay had followed her, which was a pretty bold move considering this was the 'staff only' area and he didn't have to make up with her just because everybody told them to.

He looked a little annoyed, probably because they were fighting again and maybe because even to her that exit just now felt a little dramatic. But sometimes she didn't know how else to react and found herself bolting. She could prevent that from happening during work-hours, but she found in her private universe she was not so disciplined.

"Seriously? Save it Jay! Maybe it's best we just don't talk to each other more than we have to!"

Rianne wanted to brush past him to get away from him and escape back into the barroom again, but Jay just stood in her way and wouldn't budge. She'd almost believed they could make a fresh start like the adults they were when talking to him before.  
She even felt like there had been some sparks between them, at least she had allowed her body to react in a whole new way to him.  
But now? She was so angry. It felt like he had no right bringing up Andrea. When she was honest with herself she was a little bit hurt thinking that he might really only have been making nice because he somehow got to know her background a little bit.  
She hated to feel pitied. She had hated it ever since the accident. Be it for the role of a young widow, be it for loosing so much that day or for being a freaking mess afterwards.  
Rianne hated that pity even more because she herself felt guilty about so many things that had led up to the accident that day and more so because she'd been the one to survive. Sometimes it felt like she really didn't deserve to be pitied.

"I came here to make peace with you, to make a fresh start and forget about the past arguments. I think it's really stupid, and I'm to apologize for my part in it. But I find you rather frustrating sometimes. Maybe you're right, maybe we should stop talking to each other, because it seems you totally don't get what I am saying here, but..." he didn't get to speak further, because Rianne was even more furious now:

" **I** am frustrating? **You** are the one lashing out at people all the time just because you feel like crap and are angry at the world in general or whatever it is you are dealing with. So stop making me out to be the bad guy here!"

She wanted to brush past him again, but still he would not move an inch and she felt that if she made a run for it he would probably tackle her to the ground like she had seen him do with the offender last week. There was this stern determination in his eyes. He could be really intimidating if he wanted to be.  
Rianne found that on work turf she could handle that pretty well, but right now she suddenly felt extremely vulnerable and unsure of herself in his presence. What was his game here? His chest was heaving agitatedly, his pecs showing through the thin shirt he was wearing. Such a show-off!  
It took all of her resolve and strength to put up a tough front anyway:

"Excuse me, would you step aside now?" she crossed her arms over her breasts, her tone annoyed.

Why wouldn't he back off and they could both accept that they didn't get on with one another, as much as their friends would like them to? Jay stood his ground as he seemed to have other things in mind. She saw that something shifted in his eyes while they were staring each other down.  
She got a little hot and bothered looking into his gleaming green pupils. Without reacting or answering her plea, he backed her further up into the corner where the back exit door was.  
Rianne almost prepared to be shoved or punched in the face or what not when she suddenly felt his firm grip around her neck, squeezing it just a little bit and then his lips on hers. It wasn't gentle, it was kind of rough, it was totally unexpected. His lips tasted a bit like bourbon and beer, but also just uniquely sweet.

Rianne couldn't really breathe or fathom what was happening to her. The light stubble on Jay's face scrubbed against her chin, and so close up she was overly aware of his breathtaking smell. She had caught a whiff of his aftershave from time to time and noticed somewhere in the back of her mind that he always smelled really clean, but she had never let herself indulge in that fresh and manly scent like right now.

When she finally opened her lips and let him slip his tongue inside her mouth, there was no stopping them. She kissed him back with all she had; feeling like some kind of spell being broken. Her hands went up to his neck, tangling in his soft hair and then went down his upper body, gasping at touching his ripped torso through his shirt.  
She hooked her fingers into the belt hoops of his jeans, pulling him even closer, slipping her hands under his shirt to make contact with soft muscled skin and almost lost it.  
Rianne was sure there were actual moans coming out of her mouth, especially when Jay smoothly lifted her up against that wall, firmly pinning her in there with one hand caressing her butt through the thin fabric of her suit.

Suddenly she heard someone grabbing new glasses in the storage room next to them and realized she was actually groping Jay, probably minutes away from tearing up his clothes. That's when she came to her senses and pushed him away from her, making him drop her to her feet again.

Trying to catch her breath and coming up with a good phrase to loosen up the tension that was still lingering around them, she straightened her clothes and her hair and looked him straight in the eyes.

It was a bad idea.  
Damn, they were still glazed over and full of sexy promises. His lips were swollen from their make-out session and he was breathing a little more agitated than usual. She seriously had to put a stop to this. If he kept looking at her like that she was not sure if she could keep herself from jumping him again. Rianne didn't want to go there.

The only thing she came up with then was to point at his mouth with her index finger: "This... didn't happen!" she almost whispered and turned on her heel to walk out of the kitchen, hoping it wasn't written on her face what just happened, when she joined the others again.

* * *


	6. Don't Wanna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Don't Wanna" by HAIM

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Jay wasn't usually into kissing women who obviously didn't like him and argued with him every chance they got, but something in Rianne's eyes that evening had given him a clear green light. A sign, that maybe all this bickering was also a hint that there was some fire between them. She'd had this spark that drew him in, turned him on and challenged him at the same time. And now he was confused as to what to do with it all. Or if he even should do anything about it.

He'd met up for a coffee-break with Will the Monday after and was not able to concentrate on a single topic. All of the time he imagined where the night would have ended, had she not suddenly fled from their make-out session.  
He kept stirring in his coffee until his brother just confronted him about why he was so distracted. Jay's first instinct was to just deflect and tell him it was this case at work that got him occupied. Will punched him slightly into his ribs not getting why it was so difficult for Jay to confide in someone voluntarily:

"Look, Jay, I saw you. I went past the bull-eye at some point and saw you and Rianne practically climbing each other against the back door. You were so preoccupied with one another that you didn't even notice, anybody could have had a peek."

Jay groaned out loud and hid his face behind his hands. He felt like a teenager that got busted by his dad: "Shit. You saw that?"

"Yeah, I saw that. I wondered why you two didn't leave together."

"Not so sure either, she got spooked or something. Or realized she wasn't liking it – I don't know. She suddenly let go of me like I was burning her and then left. I didn't get the chance to talk to her again."

"And you would have liked to keep going?"

"Hell yes and at the same time: Hell I don't know. It's probably not a good idea, it felt absolutely right at the time and then again dangerous, complicated. Seems I can't be in a simple fling with no hidden agenda or strings attached or obstacles. And I honestly don't know if I wanted to kiss her just this once or if this is something else. A week earlier I would have told you that you were bat-shit crazy if you'd told me this was going to happen…"

"Man, you're screwed. I knew you secretly liked her despite the hate-front you tried to keep up."

Will couldn't help but laugh at Jay, fighting the urge to ruffle through his hair, because his little brother was so socially naive sometimes. Of course he decided against it, he didn't like being punched in the face again.

"I don't know, maybe... she's so weird."

"She'd not weird. She's just different from the girls you are used to and you're All-American-Boy nature maybe has to adjust to the European/SouthAmerican multicultural touch she brings with her. Don't be such a buzzkill to yourself all the time. Go out and live a little, you're not retired yet."

* * *

He drove past a bakery later and couldn't help but notice a distinct vehicle being parked in front of it. The bright mint and white VW T3 van was kind of a unique car in this city.  
Could it be possible to be thinking so hard about someone, that they actually showed up for real? He found himself smiling and parked his matte-silver RAM on the opposite side of the road, not getting out immediately.

Rianne was in the van, trying to get the motor started. Obviously the car wasn't in the mood today, so she finally got out, popped the hood and took a look inside.  
Jay also got out of the car, sensing an opportunity to offer help and get to evaluate where they stood after the other night. Maybe it would be easier to access the situation outside a work encounter. Rianne couldn't do more than run away from him again.

First he took another good look at her from a safe distance.  
Why the hell was she suddenly wearing tight sports leggings and hiking boots, showing off her long legs and firm butt, when she bent over her car? The way her breasts moved under her shirt he could tell she was wearing no bra. It wasn't even necessary, because hers just had the perfect size to hold their own under her tight shirt. He somehow wished the city would live up to its byname right now and send some kind of a cold breeze, because he felt a familiar warmth deep in his gut.  
Maybe he should stop staring or this could possibly get really uncomfortable for him. Why was he in this haze of sexual perceptions all of a sudden? He'd been doing fine without thinking so much about that for several months now.

Shaking his head Jay rushed across the street, startling Rianne when he snuck up behind her: "License and registration please!"

"Jeez, Jay! What the hell? What, how are you here?" She looked a bit flustered, but quickly recovered.

It was nice to hear her calling him by his first name and not his last, like she usually did. Or 'Detective Halstead' which was even more formal and distanced. His name sounded soft coming from her lips. Lips he somehow still could feel on his if he just looked at them.  
Trying to snap himself out of it he cleared his throat audibly:

"I was on my way back to the station and your vehicle caught my eye."

"Oh, my vehicle caught your eye. So you thought you'd seize it for official police business?" She wriggled her eyebrows at him.

Was she using a flirtatious tone with him?

"We'd never catch any offenders if we had to drive around in these things."

"Yeah, but I think it would be the perfect surveillance car for PD. You can take a nap in between up in the roof or cook some dinner."

"It's way too conspicuous. The model, the color..."

"That is exactly why no one would suspect it was a police car."

Jay chuckled and liked the way they were sort of having a friendly discussion this time, just for fun.  
Nobody would suspect anything had happened Saturday night, apart from them seemingly having buried the hatched for now.  
She shielded her eyes from the sun with one hand, and looked up at him. He found he was again truly fascinated by the color of her pupils, even more so in the bright daylight. They were so extremely blue, like the Caribbean Sea or a clear summer sky. In contrast to her dark brown hair they were popping out even more.

"It's just..." he mused, bringing his attention back on the subject, looking the car up and down as if he was buying a horse.

"What?" Mrs. Defensive was on her toes and crossed her arms over her chest.

Jay quickly avoided his gaze from where her breasts now touched and made for a perfect décolleté:

"It's kind of ridiculously impractical, you probably spend more time fixing it than driving it."

"Yeah, but I love it. Reminds me of my European roots and with all due respect: I bet you have some kind of impractical hippie dream yourself. Like owning a cabin in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, spending your time fishing and taking out the boat."

Jay was taken aback, how could she have known? That was exactly what he was dreaming about every once in a while. His face must have given him away, because she smiled like the cheshire cat and snapped her fingers at him:

"See, got you there."

"Where are you off to anyway?"

"I have a rare weekday off, so I decided to clear my head, go for a hike, visit one of my favorite places outside of Chicago."

"And where would that be?"

"With your kind permission: Indiana State Dunes Park, Detective Sir!" She saluted him. "That is if I get my car to work again. You wouldn't happen to have some kind of wrench, or a tire iron or crowbar in your fancy truck would you? I seem to have lost mine."

Indeed Jay had. When he brought it back to her she took a swing into her engine compartment, hitting the starter, then asked Jay to try and start the engine. It worked after the second try. She whooped with joy and shut the bonnet again, holding up the wrench Jay had given her:

"Works every other time. Mind if I keep this for my trip today? I can bring it back to you this evening, if you're at the district."

"Sure, no problem!"

"Great," she brushed past him and hopped into the drivers-seat and shut the door, ready to go, but Jay held on to it, looking at her seriously through her rolled down window, not wanting her to be off just yet:

"Hey, I was just wondering: Are we cool? I mean after..."

"You mean after we made out like some teenagers? No, we're certainly not cool." Rianne looked at him unafraid, no-nonsense attitude.

He hadn't expected her to be so upfront about it. She reached out her hand and caressed the outlines of his lips with her index finger, making his heart beat faster against his chest, yet he didn't flinch away one bit:

"I think you should really get a permit for that. Because they can do some serious damage to a girl's mind."

Before he could get another word in she started to reverse the car and Jay quickly moved out of the way.  
He wouldn't have been able to think of some witty answer anyway, because all the blood had suddenly left his brain and went to a very different region of his body.

* * *

Rianne kept surprising herself.  
Little did she know that she still could be flirty and sassy like that and keep her cool throughout it the whole time.  
The shaking and fumbling started just when she'd driven off, away from Jay and away from Chicago City.  
The finger she'd touched his mouth with still tingled and reminded her, that she would probably not be able to forget this and the associated kissing for a long time. Actually she still felt kind of hot thinking about it.  
Why she did what she did right now though she couldn't explain to herself. It was like something else inside her was taking over instead of her usually quite rational and efficient mind. Even if she had stopped their make-out-session pretty quickly two nights before: Seeing him again today had made it clear to her that she kind of wanted it to happen again. This bothered and worried her to no end. Because what was the point of complicating things?

When she arrived at Indiana State Dunes Park she was thankful for the fresh air and the beautiful landscape there. She tried to walk off some of the built up tension.

Whenever she needed to clear and cleanse her mind or felt stressed out she would come here or go wherever one could find a rural piece of nature outside of the city, go for a hike, a swim, a little vacation to get away from the noise and the business. It calmed her down to no end and gave her a new perspective on things every time.

Before she made her way back to Chicago she made sure to text her friend Stella if she'd be in the mood for some wine and girl-talk later after shift. She just had to share the new developments with someone. And Nate was not the ideal candidate.  
She'd never discussed these things with him, apart from everything about Andrea. But he had been Nate's friend as well and "post-mortem trying to keep memories alive love-talk" did not really compare to what was going on now.

She didn't even know herself what was going on exactly.

* * *

"Halstead, Mrs. Hippy-Dippy left this for your!" Trudy Platt called after Jay, when he was almost on his way out.

She gave him a small package she'd stored at the front desk and wiggled her eyebrows.  
Jay didn't bite, he knew she wanted to get some insight as to what was inside, but he just thanked her and went to his car to take a look.  
Inside the package was the wrench he'd loaned out to Rianne this morning. There was a note attached to it and a branch full of little meadow flowers:

"My apologies for being so blunt before, I hope you don't mind. Didn't have to use the wrench a second time, but thanks anyway. Greetings from a beautiful place, where peace and quiet really exist. I recommend you search for a cabin down here..."

Jay couldn't help but read that straight and clean handwriting several times and smile to himself. What an unexpected turn of events! He got out of the car again and went into the back of the station, feeling like doing some short research in the garage of Intelligence before he left to go home that day.

* * *

"You really said that he should consider getting a permit for his mouth because it was dangerous?" Stella fell apart laughing on Kelly's living room couch, when Rianne came over that evening, telling her all about the whole Jay run-in, after them making out at Molly's the other night.

As Rianne had pretty much legged it out of the bar after that incident to calm herself down, she hadn't really had the chance to tell Stella about it. Of course her friend was delighted to hear such exciting news.

"Yeah, I don't know what's gotten into me. I almost didn't recognize myself there." Rianne felt her cheeks getting hot and was a little embarrassed with herself.

"Girl, it's fine – I am really proud of you." Stella topped up their glasses of wine, loving and eating this up.

"I don't know. Two days ago I really hated that guy and now he still gets my blood boiling, but in a very different way. I can't get him out of my head. It's stupid really. One kiss, an amazing one I might add, can't just change the whole perception of someone."

"Yes, it can! Believe me. So, maybe you should get it out of your system. Just go for it. Have a little fun for once! **Please** get some of that eye-candy! You deserve it!" Stella really was the best romance coach ever.

"I mean, don't tell Kelly, but: Good freakin Lord is Jay Halstead smoking hot and beautifully put together!"

"He sure is..." Rianne blew out a long breath.

"But I mean, maybe he just wanted to inform me that he regrets what happened at Molly's and instead of noticing that: I came on to him. That would be embarrassing. I mean he said he finds me frustrating the other night and we both had something to drink..."

"And then he kisses you like his life depends on it? Believe me sweetie he's got the hots for you. I could have told you so months ago. But you would have had none of it, so I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to push you into this. All the fighting and bickering you two did every time you saw each other? It was just foreplay. And as far as good omens go you couldn't have picked a better spot for your first make-out session with him. Kelly and I had our first kiss there too a long time ago."

Rianne couldn't believe what she was hearing and still felt self-conscious about her approach:"Maybe he's got some kind of bet going with his colleagues: He tries to tame the social worker shrew and then laughs in my face if I fall for it."

Stella laughed at her and called her insane. Like this was some teenage movie:

"Look, I think you should just see where this leads instead of shutting it down right from the start. To be honest you and Nate have been kind of living a very cozy and couplely life lately. But you're single, you're beautiful, you can try to move on bit by bit. I know Andrea wouldn't have wanted you to sit alone in your beautiful loft for the rest of your days with only your cat and his best friend to keep you company."

Right this moment the front door opened and Kelly Severide and Matt Casey walked in, having finished their shift at firehouse 51 late. Matt was still living with Kelly and kind of with Stella as she was mostly staying here and not at her own apartment at Hermann's. What first had been an interim arrangement between the two men had somehow turned into something more permanently. Most of the time Rianne loved that because she got to see all of them at once when she visited. But now she didn't get a chance to argue with Stella about what she had just said, because the other woman waved at her men and looped them into their conversation right away:

"Guys, please tell Rianne that she's got game with men and just doesn't know it!"

"Stella!" Rianne protested, embarrassed to be the center of attention from the whole group and discuss her possible love life with them.

But Stella was just like that and in the end it had always been better to wear one's heart on one's sleeve than to make a lions den out of it. At least that's what Stella always told Rianne. In this close-knit community of firefighters, medics, doctors, social workers, therapists and police officers nothing stayed hidden for too long anyway.

Kelly and Matt joined them with cold beers from the fridge. Rianne scooted over to make room for Matt on her end of the couch and he leaned in to give her a kiss hello on her forehead. Propping her feet up on his lap, watching Stella instantly snuggle up into Kelly's arms, she smiled to herself. It was a true blessing to have such close friends that all liked to be affectionate with one another and she was forever thankful that Stella and Kelly seemed to really have found their way back to each other. At the beginning of the year things had been pretty rough for these two.

Kelly and Matt were like two additional big brothers to her makeshift family of friends here in Chicago. No matter what she'd needed over the years, they had been there for her. Obviously they had become closer since she was friends with Stella, but there had been other connecting moments as well, apart from those two men maybe being the reason why she made it out of that car-wreck alive back when that terrible accident happened.

Rianne and Matt had first got to know one another when he was still with Gabby Dawson and they had gone through the whole ordeal of becoming foster parents and were finally going to adopt the little Louie. Then his real father had come forward and it hadn't worked out for the two of them, both dealing with the loss of the child in a very different way. As they had another caseworker at the time Rianne didn't deal with the firefighter-couple directly, but had had long talks with Matt about everything when they had gotten drunk together after one Karaoke Night at Molly's. When rebuilding her home Matt's construction expertise had come in handy and they then had more to talk about and share as they had both lost a spouse unexpectedly over the years.

"Of course you got game. Maybe you just weren't able to see it or not really interested or ready to get back into it, which is understandable. I for my part would take you out on a date instantly, but I think we're not talking about you being interested in me here, are we?" Matt winked at her and looked at Stella, seeing if she would spill some more details.

The girls exchanged mysterious looks and then Kelly just inserted himself into the conversation:

"If I had to guess I would say we are talking about one Jay Halstead."

"You told him?" Rianne almost choked on her wine.

"No, I didn't. I swear!" Stella threw her hands up in the air.

"Ladies, calm down. I just took a wild guess and happened to be right as I can see from your reactions."

"Oh my god, this is so embarrassing." Rianne hid her face behind her hands. She felt like 15 again.

"Hey, it's okay. You know this stays between us. He's a good guy. Probably not the easiest candidate to get back into the game with as he's been through some tough shit, but otherwise: I trust him."

Who hadn't been through some 'tough shit' around here, Rianne asked herself. Personally she didn't knew anyone in her inner circle that hadn't been through personal drama and or trauma in the last couple of years.

"I actually saw Halstead today about some gang causing accidents on purpose. He was in a pretty good mood…" Kelly added and winked at Rianne over the rim of his beer.

She shrugged nonchalantly as if her ears didn't prick up at this.

"And again he is poaching in my territory," Matt stated grumpily and took a long swig from his beer, but then smiled at Rianne and drew her closer with one arm: "But I support you, the heart wants what the heart wants..."

Rianne had a faint memory that Matt's ex-wife had been in a short relationship with Jay, but that had been a long time ago.

"At the moment I am not so sure if it's my heart that wants him or just the animal instinct," Rianne said before she could help it and blushed again.

Kelly laughed loudly and clicked his beer-bottle against her wineglass: "Atta girl!"

Rianne's phone beeped with a new message and she almost expected it to be Nate, asking how late she'd be and if he should come and pick her up or if she'd take an uber. Maybe Stella hadn't been so off with her comment about them leading a very couplely life without really being a couple, but it was someone else entirely.  
While reading the message she felt her cheeks heat up and a surprised laughter rising up in her throat.

"Hello! Earth to Rianne – what is it?" Stella pried.

"Seems it's not so one-sided as I was afraid it'd be."

**_Thanks for getting that wrench back to me. So now, if you ever have car trouble again here's my number. By the way you should definitely update your permit too! J_ **

The text she'd just received came from an unknown number. It was really scary how one text could get her so exhilarated. Especially when she didn't want to like it. After having had to endure some further questioning about the content of the text from her friends, she succeeded in steering the topic to Nate's 33rd birthday party next weekend and the others went with it.

"Matt, now that Sylvie's back you should definitely ask her to come along, too! Or maybe you should call up that lunatic who googled all about you again. Should be fun for us to watch that!"

Matt almost threw Rianne off the couch for that comment and they all laughed at his expense. With all of their little and big dramas going on, especially when it came to relationships, it was pretty easy to choose someone else to be the center of attention.  
They liked to tease one another, but also were sensible enough to know when to stop and move on.

While Rianne waited for her uber later she texted Jay back, her heart picking up speed, even though it was just a text message without heavy content, but still:

_I still can't believe I said that out loud… How'd you get my private number then?_

Jay responded right away:

**_Last I checked I was working as a Detective. Rookie-stuff getting a phone-number._ **

_I'd call that cheating, Mister!_

**_True. But I thought I would speed up the process. I was hoping next time we see each other it doesn't have to be by accident or at work. I think I find you more agreeable outside of the office…_ **

Wow. Was that a come-on? Was he kind of asking her out? Rianne quickly pocketed her phone. She had to let that prospect sit with her for a while.


	7. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Moving On" by Roosevelt

Rianne thought about Stella's words concerning her and Nate a lot over the following days between being busy with work and attending classes to further educate herself in trauma counseling.

Her friend was definitely right: they had gotten into a comfortable routine of living and working together. They cooked for the other, did their shopping together or cleared with each other when they needed some time out from home-duties, because work was taking up all of their time.  
They had the same friends mostly, car-pooled to work on more than 60% of the week. Their Netflix account was seldom used without the other as they always had some series going and shared binge watching sessions in their time-off. They even had gotten used to sometimes kissing each other on the mouth when they said their goodbyes or hellos.  
To Rianne this last part didn't seem so weird, as she had always been kind of physical with her friends, male and female alike. If you liked and cared about someone why not show it to them? Maybe it was her half Argentinian nature surfacing.  
Rianne was well-liked by Nate's family and her parents were relieved to know she was taken care of by someone, as they didn't live in the U.S. anymore and saw their daughter only every now and then. It was nice and gave her structure, but maybe Nate and her had gotten stuck in a comfort-zone.  
Rianne knew she would never have any romantic feelings for Nate. He was like her brother, apart from the rare occasion where they had kind of been blurring the lines. But that was a different story and some time ago.

Given their history he was far too close to Andrea. This made it easier to be understood and safe with him, but on the other hand she would always feel like she was betraying her dead husband with his best friend if things amounted to anything else than just companionship. Even if some might say that Andrea would have encouraged it.

"I asked Jay to come along this Saturday, if he wants to..."

It shouldn't be so hard to tell her roommate and male best friend that she invited another guest to his birthday party, at least she hadn't thought it would be. Normally their motto concerning festivities was: The more the merrier.  
Tonight Nate looked anything but pleased with this information when she told him two days in advance over a shared bowl of pasta and some wine at their heavy oak dining-table.

She'd been texting randomly with Jay for the past few days, mostly exchanging news about the Finley family case (which was kind of a ruse to keep tabs on each other) and he finally made the first move of sort of asking her out. His exact words had been:

**_Any plans for the weekend? I'd be free for something non-work-related on Saturday..._ **

Of course she could have gone out with him on any other night or just met for coffee in the afternoon, but she thought maybe it was better to handle this step by step. And inviting him to Nate's party meant she could let him into another part of her life and see how that would feel. It gave her several options to let this play out as a casual get-together, rather than a date.

"Okay – you know that I invited Giulia and Nino as well?" Nate raised his eyebrows at her while saying this, making her feel like a stupid child.

Giulia and Nino were two of the four older siblings of Andrea. Rianne and Nate were still close with Andrea's family. He'd had three older sisters and an older brother. Two sisters were married and there were already five children between them, so when all together the diVareses were a real crowd. Giulia and Nina were the one's that had no children yet.

Lately Rianne had found it difficult to connect with her family-in-law.  
In the beginning it had been comforting to not be grieving alone. She even had moved in with them after the accident, the diVareses insisting on taking care of her and making sure she knew she would always be a part of the family. But since she felt she got herself and her life back together and saw more and more glimpses of a future without Andrea in it, she found it harder to be with them.  
It felt like she did not really belong anymore and then again she felt guilty to feel that way. In the end she still was their daughter- and sister-in-law and she didn't want to loose contact completely. Especially Andrea's mother had been more caring and nurturing over the years than her own mother had ever been. Still Rianne thought it kept her from completely moving on sometimes that she kept being so loyal and kind of stuck in her old role.

"And?" She wondered what Nate wanted to tell her by mentioning that, even though she could guess.

"I just wanted to let you know. Since I don't know what's going on with you and your former rival I thought you should know they're going to be here too."

"I don't know what you're trying to insinuate by telling me in these exact words?"

She noticed his eyes had begun to twitch in an irritated way she wasn't used to being directed at her. Nate stood up, not having finished his pasta and went to put his bowl into the steel sink, creating physical distance between them. Never a good sign!

"Really Nate? I am getting the silent-treatment now?" Rianne also made to get up and join him in the kitchen to corner him.

Nate sometimes needed a little push to speak his mind. She found it really annoying that he hated confrontation.

"I just, I think it's odd, you know?" He turned around and faced her, his features sterner than usual, because he was wearing his glasses instead of contacts tonight:

"You have been chewing my ear off how Halstead's been constantly insulting you and suddenly everything is peachy and you invite him into our home? You're normally not that person who sways with the wind."

Something in his tone didn't sit right with her, but she tried to keep things civil for now. After all he wasn't wrong and she still wasn't convinced that everything was indeed 'peachy' with Jay, but…

"I know and I am sorry. Jay and I talked that night at Molly's and he apologized and…"

"What exactly happened before you wanted to leave all of a sudden, hm? Weren't you fighting with him, again?" Sure enough nothing escaped her friend's eyes.

"We… cleared that up. Look, if you don't want him here just say so, but I would really like to work this out and try to get along with him…" And then some…

Rianne felt conflicted about that notion roaring up inside of her time and time again, but she could not completely ignore it. She caught her thoughts wandering back to a pretty freckled face and searing green eyes a little too often to pretend she didn't care about it or didn't want to see him again. Ever since that kiss she had noticed she had missed feeling this giddy and bubbly.

"Just don't come running to me when he acts like a jackass again. And I guess you can invite whomever you want, as this is still your place, so…" With that Nate just left and went upstairs.

That big man could really act like a true diva sometimes.  
Rianne stayed back, hurt by his words. That the loft was in her name and Nate just payed rent usually never came up. It had been "their home" pretty much from the start. She started to wash up, making more noise than she had to.  
Even her cat Límon took flight, although he normally hung around the kitchen, ready to pounce on any leftovers from the table. Once a street-cat, always a street-cat! This very special one had been waiting in front of her van and the apartment complex several weeks in a row last year, always begging and looking at her with pleading eyes, until one day she could not stop her heart from giving in and took the cat to a vet and then into her home. With his twelve years Limon was a senior but still healthy and clever enough to amaze and make her laugh every day.

* * *

The Streeterville neighborhood was a prime location to live and a unique one as well, because it was surrounded by water.  
Its Southern border was defined by the Chicago River, Lake Michigan spanning to the East. It had a dense urban feel and consisted of a rhythmic blend of tourists, young professionals and students. Being the home of Navy Pier and other attractions it was a bit busy, especially in the summer, but offered endless options for dining, restaurants and entertainment within walking distance. It was an energetic, vibrant hotspot with exceptional views on Chicago's waterfront.

Jay had even looked at an apartment in this area before he'd finally moved in with Erin, because he wanted something new for the both of them, but then things had turned out differently. In the end he'd been glad. He would have had trouble to afford living in this part of the city on his own. It was certainly not a cheap neighborhood, but no doubt about it: the views were worth millions. He wondered how Rianne and Nate could afford it though. Two social worker salaries couldn't be that much. Adam had always bragged about what kind of a dope loft his cousin lived in. At that time Jay hadn't known that all the while he was as well talking about the place Rianne lived in too.

Getting out of the elevator on the 9th floor at 458 East North Water Street, he could already hear laughter, talking and some music playing. He walked into the direction of the noise and found the front door of 9C open, which he thought was odd and a little dangerous in a town like this, but it was not his place to give advice. Even if this was a relatively safe neighborhood he was feeling a little paranoid. One could never know.

When Jay entered the loft it felt like he wasn't in Chicago anymore. Even though there were a ton of familiar faces right away in the hallway, the atmosphere and interior of the place were so in contrast to this city's look it was like entering another world. It was spacious, artsy with so many personal touches and details, he wasn't able to catch them all at once.

The open-floor plan was beautiful. Kitchen and living-room area were practically one large space, only here and there divided by thick wooden pillars, holding up the upper floor and the gallery, to which a black steel staircase, situated kind on the left side of the room, was leading.  
There were three stairs connecting the living-room area from the kitchen that had a brick island, where some people had gathered with glasses in hands, engaged in conversations. It was a beautiful combination of industrial-style and something really warm and homey. Personal pictures, rustic wooden shelves and hanging plants colored the light brick walls, the walnut hard-wood floors were here and there decorated with fluffy Aztec rugs. From the high ceiling and the gallery banister there were several light bulbs hanging down on a chain. Jay took in the floor to ceiling-windows that offered a fantastic view over some part of the river and Chicago's city-lights and skyscrapers on an early evening in August.  
Someone had placed a hammock right in front of that view making it seem even more like a vacation home somewhere in the Mediterranean area than a loft in the middle of rural Chicago. There was a smaller balcony leading out, which seemed to be connected to another room that was closed off from the living area. The doors of the few rooms that were closed off from the other living-space were floor to ceiling as well, to be specific they were sliding doors with black steel frames. Because they were made out of glass someone had added white linen curtains behind the doors.  
Suddenly Adam was beside him, slapping him on the shoulder:

"Hey, I am so glad you're here too. Feels like there are slightly more women than men at this party."

"Maybe because your cousin has invited a ton of his co-workers who are all female. It comes with the job..." Kim was right beside him, looking sweet in a red summer dress and hugging Jay hello, engulfing him in an unfamiliar cloud of perfume.

Jay wasn't really used to seeing his colleagues in anything but their day-to-day clothes. Every time the women in the department wore something more feminine it surprised him as if he just realized then that there was a difference between them and a difference between their private life and the life on the job. Sometimes these worlds seemed to blend into one another with their crazy hours and time spent together away from home.

"Come on, let's get you up to the roof. That's really my favorite thing about this place! When Rianne was looking for a roommate I actually proposed I would just take the roof in the summers," Adam was telling him, while walking ahead already.

Jay tagged along. Adam and Kim obviously felt quite at home here and knew their way around the building.  
They went up the staircase to the upper floor overlooking the living-room area. It seemed that Rianne and Nate were using the space outside of the two other rooms on the 1st floor (where Nate lived) for their music and creative equipment. Jay could make out a keyboard and some guitars as well as some amps and Rianne's bass he'd seen her play at Molly's. There was also a small arts and crafts and sewing area. Who was this woman living here, he kept asking him and more importantly where was she?

An iron door in the back wall went out to the roof and once he opened it Jay was again outside of the city. The loft had a wooden roof deck that someone had turned into a garden. It was equipped with cozy lounges, many, many plants, a solar sail that created a wonderful canopy over the comfortable furniture. There were outdoor rugs, fairy lights, candles and lanterns everywhere. About 40 people enjoyed the view and the scenery. Someone had gotten a barbecue going, a soundsystem was blasting a "Rodrigo y Gabriela" song, adding to the backdrop of a Southern American atmosphere. They had also had hired a bartender, mixing colorful cocktails in a corner near the roof banister.

Jay's eyes then zoned in on another factor that wasn't from his usual world. He'd been unconsciously looking for her all the time since he made his way through the entrance:  
She wore a long black knitted dress with a low back, revealing yet another tattoo on her body. She was barefoot and even though she was laughing and talking and kind of dancing with Matt Casey and stood a good twenty feet away from him, she seemed drawn to his stare right away. He found her turning around, looking his way without searching the crowd and smile at him a little, almost shy, and cut the conversation she was having short. Matt waved at him from a distance.  
Coming over to him, Adam and Kim Rianne then smiled a radiant smile, the one of a true hostess:

"Hi, welcome to our home and to the party."

She made an inviting gesture and even bowed her head a little smiling, her long earrings making quiet tinkling sounds. Obviously she'd already said hello to his two colleagues, because there was no hug-party going on as usual.

"Thanks – it's amazing!" Jay still found himself adjusting.

"Just help yourself to anything you like: there's the barbecue, we have more food downstairs. You can choose a cocktail of your liking. Martinez will gladly hook you up!" she gestured at everything while talking.

"You made all of this?"

"The food downstairs yes, the barbecue and bartender is Nate's hire for tonight."

"Okay, so what are you drinking?"

"Gin Tonic?" she answered him.

Jay nodded and went to get himself a drink and her as well, Adam and Kim said they were good for now.  
He normally didn't need liquid courage, but it could definitely not hurt either. Being here and in her presence made him somehow jittery and nervous. And there was the question why he was even exploring this when he could have had a nice quiet evening at home or gone hang out with Hailey.

But somehow the words of his brother had sunk in: "Go out and live a little!"

Maybe this was something he had not really done for the last months, maybe even longer. So how much could it hurt to just go to a party and let things play out how they were supposed to be. Have a real life instead of just an undercover life!

* * *

When Jay got back to her with their drinks, Adam and Kim had wandered off to talk to some other acquaintances.  
Those two seemed to be real chummy since last week, Rianne had noticed. She was glad and happy for Adam as everyone knew how deep his feelings for his ex-fianceé still went. Secretly she had been rooting for them to get back together ever since he and Hailey broke it off. Not that there hadn't been some moping going on about that too, but him and Kim were a different matter altogether. Rianne always thought they were end-game, so who knew what the future held for them…

She clinked glasses with Jay and was glad she had some distraction for a second, pretending to enjoy her drink, because she had felt extremely nervous seeing him again today. Her face felt like it was on fire and she was sure it was not the effect of being in the sun for too long. How could she have ignored that he was such a babe, while interacting with him at work? Or maybe she had noticed but had been concentrating more on the things she found annoying about him.

Again she was overly aware that he smelled real nice. So nice that she had to keep herself from sniffing the collar of his slim fit burgundy polo shirt, whenever he stood close to her. And the way he was watching her over the rim of his glass with those crazy green eyes, pfffff… maybe she needed more ice in her tonic.  
Looking around to search for a momentary distraction to calm herself down, she caught Stella's glances from a distance.  
Her friend was smiling smugly and actually wiggling her eyebrows at her encouragingly while dancing with Kelly. Stella knew exactly how awkward a situation this must be for her, so Rianne rolled her eyes at her and turned around to Jay again. It felt like she needed to be somewhere quieter with him and not stand here not knowing what to talk about, being under the scrutiny of her friends while doing so.  
She quickly made a proposition:

"You want me to show you around and check out the food downstairs?"

"Yeah, more food sounds great!"

Glad that he really seemed eager to be shown around she took her drink to go and got a move on. While on their way back downstairs, explaining who lived where and why and how, feeling more in her element now, she noticed that Jay was extremely attentive and a real gentleman. He opened doors for her, saved her from stepping on her dress more than once and kept a respectable distance. There was a whole different side to the man opposed to the one he'd shown her all these months. Rianne was glad he mostly followed her and not the other way around. She would have probably been staring at his behind in those well-fitted dark jeans all the time. When the hell did he find the time to keep that body in shape? Maybe it was all the running he did on the job, like she'd seen him do last time.

Their little tour, sometimes interrupted by new guests coming in she had to welcome and exchange a few words with, ended at the buffet downstairs and then at the kitchen's breakfast-bar with plates full of food for Jay. Rianne wasn't really that hungry, but found it satisfactory to see he was digging in with a real appetite.  
It was quieter down here now, because the main crowd was on the roof and almost everybody had cleared out of the downstairs area. Rianne liked to have the privacy and Jay didn't seem to mind hanging out with her instead of joining the others upstairs.

"Who the hell is cleaning all of this? You got house keeping?" Jay asked, gesturing to all the space in the loft and still chewing appreciatively on a piece of empanada.

"We could have had that, but actually: That's Nate's territory. We got this deal: I cook and he cleans. And he's really good and obsessive about it."

Even if the two of them hadn't really been talking much since their conversation about Jay a few days ago. Rianne thought it was ridiculous.

"I actually like that this is a private space. But we got an own gym in the shared area downstairs…"

"Yeah, I noticed that when I read the elevator tags. I wish I had that at my building."

"Where would that be, your building?"

"Wicker Park."

Her and Jay kept talking amicably and covered several topics. Everything from her love for cooking, after he'd tasted some more of her homemade tapas, and his love for eating obviously, over her growing up as an only child in between two workaholic parents, with her Argentinian grandmother living with them and being the only real family and provider of life hacks and advise to her.

"Maybe this is why I don't like being on my own so much. I always have to stay busy and love it to have people around. This make-shift family of friends here is actually some kind of childhood compensation thing I think."

Jay actually laughed at her sarcastic and self-analyzing remarks about herself.

She told him a bit about her upbringing and the countries she had lived in before finally coming to Chicago.  
Born in Amsterdam she spent some of her childhood years in Rome, Buenos Aires and Edinburgh. Because of her father's job they moved around a lot. She even went to one private school in India once. Ever since refusing to go with her family to move back to Argentina she stayed in the US on her own. She had been living in college dorms and housing communities and then finally here. It had to have some upside to have had a trust fund and put it to good use by buying this loft. Rianne thought of it as her first real home in a very long time. Never had she stayed in one place longer than she now had in Chicago.

"How often do you see your parents?" Jay wanted to know.

"Not very often. They got a divorce when I was 26. My mum moved back to Amsterdam, dad's still in Buenos Aires and retired by now. So I have to use and split my vacation days to go see them. But that's better than having them visit me, believe me and as I already made the two journey's this year, we're good for now. Wanna see the rest of the house?"

Her family was a chapter that could last them a whole evening of conversation, but she didn't want to tell him all the sob stories of her life at once.

"Do you mind if we close the front door before we start?" Jay suddenly looked a little uneasy and almost a bit embarrassed that he had to ask this.

Rianne thought she heard him wrong, then smiled disbelievingly: "Does it **bother** you that it's been open the whole time?"

"Kind of…" The grimace he pulled was funny and adorable at the same time.

"God, you're really a police officer, are you?"

"Sorry, but…"

"It's fine. Really! Give in to your urges and close that door…," she laughed and waved him off and Jay wouldn't let himself be told twice.

* * *

Jay was relieved and quickly went back to the entrance. He heard her call "Nerd!" in his back, but didn't mind.  
Rather a nerd than murdered by some creep sneaking through security downstairs. Maybe he'd really seen too much.

On his way back to the living-room he noticed that the hallway entrance wall was the only girlie feature of the place as it was colored in ombré bright pink with golden highlights. Everything else was dark or natural wooden furniture and earthy tones, linen and leather. The centerpiece of the living-room consisted of an extra-large, extra-big cognac artificially worn leather sofa piece. Even Rianne's rooms (a bedroom and an ensuite bathroom) which they had had a sneak peek in earlier, were held in relatively plain and natural colors. He was sure though that the big flat-screen TV or rather big screen hanging from the ceiling was Nate's doing.

When he got back to the kitchen she had downed her drink and didn't give him the time to settle back in at the bar:

"Come on, I'll show you another good place to fall in love with Chicago..." She grabbed his hand, sending a jolt of electric shocks up his arm, and took him to the windows with the hammock in front of it.

Opening the sliding doors to the small balcony he'd seen earlier, they slipped outside, being again surrounded by a lot of plants and a cosy lounge area.  
Rianne went to stand on the left end side of the balcony, which was slightly hidden from view from the inside. Jay now saw that there was a second balcony door, leading to her quarters from the outside. Some of the music from upstairs drifted down to them as the deck was the roof over that balcony. Laughter and voices carried over too.

Jay was standing right behind her, admiring the view of the city and the Ogden Slip, opposite the River East Art Center Promenade. The greenish-blue water was glistening in the evening sun.

He watched as this surprising woman right in front of him enjoyed the scenery. Despite seeing this almost everyday she took a deep breath and closed her eyes a little bit. The sun sent last rays of sunshine over the city, dipping everything in a deep orange light, a slight evening chill now palpable. She seemed proud of her home and content to just be in this moment, having gained her natural confidence back after that little awkward moment up on the roof before. Even though Jay wanted to stay composed this time and not maul her against some wall again, he couldn't really help himself to be physically drawn to her. He just had to reach out his hand and softly touch her neck with the mandala tattoo on it. Somehow he wanted to make sure that they were on the same page concerning their physical attraction to one another. He didn't need another platonic friend.

She sucked in some air through her teeth when he ran his fingertips over the fine lines of the ink. He would have liked to know how much further down her spine it went than the dress revealed and caught himself hoping he would find out one day. He had been thinking a lot about wanting to touch her again after their last encounter. Being this close to her switched off something inside of him and switched on something different he hadn't let himself feel for a while.

Rianne turned around and looked up at him from under her lashes. His hand and fingers had fallen to her side during her movement, where he kept them, not ready to let go of her. As her dress had some running stitches on the sides he got in contact with baby soft skin underneath the fabric.

"So, was it just a ruse to not be alone with me that you invited me to the party instead of going out on a date?"

"Well… right…" she was looking over his shoulder and not into his eyes for a little moment, but then met his look again, scrunching up her nose apologetically:

"I am not really good at lying - just to myself - so I am gonna tell you the truth: Yes, sort of… and I couldn't skip on the party obviously, as this is my best friend's birthday and we do this every year and I thought you could get to see where we live as this is a good way of getting to know one another outside of work…" she began rambling and his smile grew wider, finally finding something she wasn't so confident about.

Although just telling it like it was probably was confident.

"It's a really beautiful home you got," Jay said in a low voice, meaning something else entirely and stepping a little closer.

"Thanks. I'm glad you approve of something I've done," she smirked up at him.

Without her usual boots or wedges she was well a whole 4 inches shorter than him. He thought it took away a bit of her tough front, too.

"I thought we were past that?"

"I don't know... are we?" She teased and again he found himself mesmerized by the light in her eyes.

"I thought we established that since I kissed you last week, and since I helped you with your car and we exchanged numbers…"

"Oh, that's how you call it: Exchanged numbers… I will let that go for now, but enlighten me: Why did you do that again? I mean: the kissing?"

"I guess I wanted to shut you up, or get something else from these lips than argumentative comments…"

"Me? Argumentative, I think that's the first I've heard of…"

Jay had to act on what his whole body was telling him to do: Kiss her again already!  
This time it was not quite so desperate, but nonetheless like a rush when he crushed his mouth to hers, cupping her cheek and curling his fingers through the hair on her neck. Her little surprised squeal was adorable, but her hands quickly found their way to his shoulders, caressing his neck and then his upper arms, her whole body leaning into his.

"Shit, so it wasn't just the influence of alcohol…" She had to catch her breath audibly after having pushed against his chest a little harder, so that he ended the kiss.

"Maybe it is, you have been drinking tonight as well…"

"No, definitely not enough to be hallucinating this. But I've been meaning to ask you: Why is it that I should get **my** permit reapproved?"

"Because… your mouth and lips are sassy, bossy and taste like some kind of drug you just get hooked on immediately…"

"That's kinda cheesy you know, but sweet, thank you!" She smiled at him again, biting her lip, her eyes flickering with something he hoped to recognize as desire.

He wanted to continue kissing her so bad, but before he could do something about that, there was a small furry ball rushing out of the small space of the second balcony-door leading to Rianne's quarters. Jay instinctively stepped away from her to assess what was happening as he couldn't see what it had been at first. Rianne laughed at his demeanor and bent down to the floor.

"Oh, that's just Límon! Seems like we forgot to invite him to the party. Wanna join us little man?" She addressed the animal that was now next to her.

"It's a … funny-lucking cat…" Jay didn't want to offend her, but actually the cat that had come running out of her room onto the balcony wasn't the sweet, fluffy pet one would imagine living in such a nice home.

It was scrawny with wild dirty white hair. A piece of his orange ear was missing and it had a grumpy face and a scruffy tail. Instead of being afraid of the stranger in his territory the cat jumped up on the balcony wall right next to them and rubbed his head against Rianne's hand, looking at Jay curiously out of mismatched green and brown eyes.

"You can just say it like it is: he's a real ugly old bugger, aren't you?" Rianne petted the cat's head and chuckled when Límon nodded against her touch and began licking his fur dedicatedly.

"Did you just say 'bugger'?" Jay didn't know when he'd heard someone use that word ever before.

"Yeah, that's just one of the many special words I have collected throughout my childhood and teenage years."

* * *

"Are you and Rianne in a fight man?" Adam couldn't help but notice the somewhat distanced and strained atmosphere between the two roommates and that when Rianne had disappeared downstairs with Jay, Nate's eyes had been glaring daggers into their backs.

Usually the two of them would spark off one another at these kind of events. Even if engaging with different guests at times they would come together for a drink, a dance or even a performance of their music. But tonight it was different, they weren't even really talking to each other.  
Kim had been thinking so too, when Adam asked her if she felt something was off. He wondered how they had gotten all the preparations done so immaculately without communicating as much as usual.

"Yes, I think we are!"

Nate's mouth escaped a bitter laugh and he was well into his third cocktail. He seemed to be in roaring spirits, despite the current situation with his friend. But knowing the treats of being a Ruzek, Adam knew he was deflecting most serious topics with sarcasm. Nate was looking back over to the roof-door, where a new guest was walking onto the deck.

"You invited Ayla?" Adam almost could not believe his eyes when he followed Nate's gaze, whereas his cousin just nodded that he did indeed invite this one and had all the intention of giving her a special hello.

Before he wandered over to the tall blonde figure in a blue cocktail dress he patted Adam's shoulder and said:

"Rianne's falling for that Halstead guy and doesn't even know it. So I guess I can piss off and care about my own life now," then he was off to greeting the woman who had now seen him as well and smiled widely.

"Am I the only one who remembers what happened last time with that girl?" Adam was nonplussed in the face of such stupidity and put an arm around Kim. He loved that she let him.

"Nope, I remember quite as well!"

Never having been a supporter of complete irrational behavior Kim raised her hand and rolled her eyes up to the sky, then leaned into his embrace and was pulled even closer to his side.

Ayla was Nate's on-and-off-crazy-ex-girlfriend. Adam couldn't believe that his cousin was backpedaling again with that woman. He had hoped they had averted that train-wreck of a relationship for good. In his eyes Ayla had always been too young, too vain, too dull and too jealous for Nate and his world, but she was a looker, Adam had to give her that. If one liked the American Beauty look. Nevertheless there had been several, uncountable fights between those two, many cases of adultery on both sides and in the last years they never could make the relationship work for more than three or four months in a row. But somehow they kept getting back together. This time Adam was sure it was just to spite Rianne, because she had invited Jay, which hadn't surprised him that much after the concert. Nate could be childish and resentful like that. Creating relationship trouble, be that accidentally or on purpose, really seemed to be a Ruzek family treat.

* * *

Before him and Rianne could continue their private house-viewing and their flirtatious getting-to-know one another, she was called away by some colleagues. They wanted to give speeches and a special present to Nate and therefor called everybody up to the roof. A big cake was to be done as well. Of course Rianne could not pass up on that, so their one-on-one time was over quicker than Jay liked.

They joined a bigger group upstairs including Kim, Adam, Stella, Kelly and Matt and he noticed his brother was also here by now, winking at him conspiringly. He tried to ignore that as best as he could. Childish fool!

Everybody watched the little spectacle Nate's guests had prepared for him. As it was almost dark now, all the lights and lanterns created a real festive atmosphere.  
Jay couldn't really concentrate on what was going on in front of him, because Rianne stood really close and her arm kept brushing against his, creating goose bumps on his skin and causing his heart to speed up. If she did it deliberately or by accident Jay wouldn't know, he just knew he liked it a lot.  
He also tried to don't give a damn about the looks Adam and Kim were giving him since there seemed to be no fight for once on the horizon and a rather different atmosphere between Rianne and him. Standing next to each other at the back of the crowd their fingers kept touching. It was the tiniest of contacts while they were both looking straight ahead all of the time. Even so, his heart was in his throat by now. This felt close to being back in his teenage years, but for once he found himself enjoying these little things and was just in the moment, nowhere else with his thoughts.

When the cake was brought up to Nate and he'd blown out his candles, a girl in her mid-twenties, a little too dressed up for this occasion in a sparkling cocktail dress, joined the group and waved at everybody. From the reaction of the others Jay noticed right away that this was not someone they wanted to have in their midsts. The blonde went straight for Rianne and positioned herself on her left side, smiling smugly, while the latter tried to ignore her as best as she could. But Jay felt her stiffen next to him and in some kind of reflex grab on to his wrist and hold tight. He was curious to know what this all meant. Even though the girl was talking in a hushed voice he could hear every word:

"You probably thought you would have seen the last of me. But guess what? Nate seems to be realizing now that you are just a selfish little bitch. And now I am back, because he knows I am the only one who really cares about him. Prepare to deal with it! This time it's you he will leave behind, not me!"

Then she went to turn away, but before she left she noticed Jay, a new face for her, beside Rianne. She gave him a predatory once-over before whispering in his direction:

"If I were you I'd make a run for it before she gets her dirty claws into you. Just look at her track record…"

Rianne's fingers were now almost clawing at his arm, which alerted him even more. Talking about claws…  
By then Adam had positioned himself between the blonde and Jay, asking her in a very clear manner to leave them alone:

"I think that's enough Ayla!"

So that Ayla had the nerve to just sigh and smile sweetly at Adam: "You too will see that I am here to stay!" before leaving as if she had all the time in the world.

Everybody stood around Rianne, making sure she was okay. When she had waved them off and told them it was fine and to go get a piece of cake, she just hissed: "Perra estupida!" under her breath.

Obviously it was not fine and she tried very hard not to go after that woman and give her a piece of her mind.  
Jay looked at her quizzically and took that hand of hers off his wrist with his other hand. She let him rub his thumb over her palm soothingly for a minute before letting go.  
Rianne shortly informed him who that spiteful person had been and stated:

"I hate her, she hates me. It's simple as that. She thinks I am responsible for things not working out between Nate and her, that he always puts me first. And I think she is just a stupid little girl. I don't have a clue why Nate's invited her, but that's none of my business."

"Isn't it a little true that he puts you first?" Not knowing the story behind them he had even thought they were a couple at first.

"I don't know, maybe. But it's not like I ask him to be there for me always."

'You don't have to ask him, he just does and I think he's in love with you,' Jay thought but didn't say that out loud.

"I thought Nate had gotten rid of that Lolita months ago?" Will, who had also witnessed the little rabbel-rousing Ayla had been trying, came over to them now, hugging Rianne as they hadn't formally greeted each other.

They chatted for a while, mostly about him just making it out of the hospital before anyone could order him to do a double-shift and Natalie not being lucky enough to do the same in time for the party. Jay noticed that Rianne still seemed troubled by the little squabble with Nate's ex-girlfriend, her carefree demeanor gone, although she still listened politely to Will rambling on and on about this and that and laughed at his jokes.

Suddenly her attention switched away to another place. Her body language, he began to understand, was like an open book, when one took the time to pay attention to it. First she was tense and inching away, then she excused herself:

"I am sorry to have to do this, but there are some people I have to talk to. Please enjoy the night and help yourselves to anything you like." With a remorseful last squeeze to Jay's arm she left him standing with his brother to walk off into another direction.

She had scraped her nails over his naked skin a bit, lingering a little longer than a friendly pat would have required. Jay's blonde hairs on his arms stood on end in the aftermath.

Will had watched that exchange with an amused smile playing on his lips: "Soooooo, give me the newsflash little bro!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Obviously Jay had been too occupied staring after Rianne to hear Will's question directed at him.

"What's going on with you and the woman of the house? Can we prepare ourselves for some epic romance any time soon? What have I missed, did you take my advice?" Will got excited easily.

Sometimes he reminded Jay of an eager puppy, always ready to play. Never in a million years would Jay admit that his brother's words had had some effect on him.

"God Will, shut up! You're such a child…" he just shook his head at him and decided to keep his thoughts to himself for now.

Jay didn't even know how to answer the question his brother had voiced out, but wondered who was the older one of them sometimes.

"Who are they?" He rather was interested in the people Rianne had left him for to go talk to and jutted his chin out into the direction they were now gathered around the barbecue.

"If I remember correctly they are siblings of her husband. They're always at these kind of get-togethers, at least the one's I've been invited to. I think she's still close with his family. La grande familia Italiano, comprende?"

Husband - this word in connection to her still sounded so weird in Jay's ears. But it was a fact. She had been married, and she was not divorced, she was a widow. A widow of 32 years. Almost like Natalie. His brother probably could tell some stories about how it felt to be dating a widow, but he was getting ahead of himself.

When his phone buzzed in his front pocket he was not surprised that yet another private evening got cut short due to work.  
It was Voight asking them to come in again, new crime scene. His colleagues obviously had gotten the call as well and approached him immediately. Jay was curious on how Adam and Kim would get themselves sobered up in time and stop being so preoccupied with themselves. Obviously he would be driving as he was the one who had less than two drinks the whole evening. Sometimes he felt like everybody's dad.

When they went over to Rianne, Adam did the big talking and Jay hung back, curious on how she would say goodbye. She still was in the company of the man and the woman in their mid-to-end-thirties, who were watching them curiously.

He couldn't tell if she was disappointed or glad that they were leaving so soon, she hugged every one of them and he imagined her lingering in his embrace a bit longer, taking the time to whisper near his ear:

"I will make it up to you next time, but I can't say goodbye like I would want to right now…" with one last intense look shared between them she then turned around and picked the conversation off where she'd been interrupted:

"Dove eravamo rimasti? Ah si! I vostri genitori ne saranno felici."

Jay wondered how she had wanted to say goodbye then.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago Universe characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne had to think about Stella's words concerning her and Nate quite a lot over the following days in between being busy with work and attending classes to further educate herself in trauma counseling.  
Her friend was definitely right: they had gotten into a real comfortable routine of living and working together. They cooked for each other, did their shopping together or cleared with each other when they needed some time out from home-duties, because work was taking up all of their time.

They had the same friends mostly, car-pooled to work on more than 60% of the week. Their Netflix account was seldom used without the other as they always had some series going and shared binge watching sessions in their time-off. They even had gotten used to sometimes kissing each other on the mouth when they said their goodbyes or hellos. To Rianne this last part didn't seem so weird, as she had always been kind of physical with her friends, male and female alike. If you liked and cared about someone why not show it to them? Maybe it was her half Argentinian nature surfacing.  
Rianne was well-liked by Nate's family and her parents were relieved to know she was taken care of by someone, as they didn't live in the U.S. anymore and saw their daughter only every now and then. It was nice and gave her comfort and structure, but maybe Nate and her had gotten stuck in a comfort-zone.

Rianne knew she would never have any romantic feelings for Nate. He was like her brother, apart from the rare occasions where they had kind of been blurring the lines. But that was a different story and some time ago now.  
And given their history he was far too close to Andrea. Of course this made it easier to be understood and safe with him, but on the other hand she would always feel like she was betraying her dead husband with his former best friend if things amounted to anything more than just companionship. Even if some might say that maybe Andrea would have encouraged it. Again a different story she didn't like to dwell upon now.

"I asked Jay to come along this Saturday if he wants to..."

It shouldn't be so hard to tell her roommate, her colleague and male best friend that she invited another guest to his birthday party, at least it she hadn't thought it would be. Normally their motto concerning festivities was always: The more the merrier.  
Tonight Nate looked anything but pleased with this information when she told him two days in advance over a shared bowl of pasta and some wine at their heavy oak dining-table.

She'd been texting randomly with Jay for the past few days, mostly exchanging news about the Finley family case (which was kind of a ruse to keep tabs on each other) and he finally made the first move of definitely asking her out, or sort of asking her out. His exact words had been:

**_Any plans for the weekend? I'd be free for something non-work-related on Saturday if you're up to it?_ **

Of course she could have gone out with him on any other night or just met for coffee in the afternoon, but she thought maybe it was better to handle this step by step. And inviting him to Nate's party meant she could let him into another part of her private life and see how that would feel like. And it gave her several options to let this play out as a casual get-together, rather than a date.

"Okay – you know that I invited Giulia and Nino as well?"

Nate raised his eyebrows at her while saying this, making her feel like a stupid child.  
Giulia and Nino were two of the four older siblings of Andrea. Rianne and Nate were still in contact and one might say close to Andrea's family. He'd had three older sisters and an older brother. His sisters were all married and there were already five children between them, so when all together the diVareses were a real crowd. Giulia and Nina were the one's that had no children yet.  
Lately Rianne had found it difficult to connect with her family-in-law. In the beginning it had been comforting to not be grieving alone. She even had moved in with them after the accident, the diVareses insisting on taking care of her and making sure she knew she would always be a part of the family. But since she felt she got herself and her life back together and saw more and more glimpses of a future without Andrea in it, she found it harder and harder to be with his family. It felt like she did not really belong there anymore and then again she felt guilty to feel that way. In the end she still was their daughter- and sister-in-law and she didn't want to loose contact completely. Especially Andrea's mother had been more caring and nurturing over the years than her own mother had ever been.  
Still Rianne thought it kept her from totally moving on sometimes that she kept being so loyal and was kind of stuck inside her old role.

"And?"

She wondered what Nate wanted to tell her by mentioning that, even though she could probably guess.

"I just wanted to let you know. Since I don't know what's going on with you and your former rival and new friend I thought you should know they're going to be here too."

"I don't know what you're trying to insinuate by telling me in this exact words?"

She noticed his eyes had begun to twitch in an irritated way she wasn't used to being directed at her. Nate stood up, having not really finished his pasta and went to put his bowl into the deep steel sink, creating physical distance between them, which was never a good sign.

"Really Nate? I am getting the silent-treatment now?"

Rianne also made to get up and join him in the kitchen to corner him. Nate sometimes needed a little push to speak his mind. She found it really annoying sometimes that he hated confrontation.

"I just, I think it's odd, you know?"

He turned around and faced her, his features sterner than usual, because he was wearing his glasses instead of contacts tonight.

"You have been chewing my ear off how Halstead's been constantly insulting you and suddenly everything is peachy and you invite him into our home? You're normally not that person who sways with the wind."

Something in his tone didn't sit right with her, but she tried to keep things civil with Nate for now. After all he wasn't wrong and she still wasn't convinced that everything was indeed 'peachy' with Jay, but…

"I know and I am sorry. Jay and I talked that night at Molly's and he apologized and…"

"What exactly happened before you wanted to leave then all of a sudden, hm? Weren't you fighting with him, again?"

Sure enough nothing escaped her friend's eyes.

"We… cleared that up. Look, if you don't want him here just say so, but I would really like to work this out and try to get along with him…"

And then some…  
Rianne still felt conflicted about that notion roaring up inside of her time and time again, but she could not completely ignore it. She caught her thoughts wandering back to a pretty freckled face and searing green eyes a little too often to pretend she didn't care about it or didn't want to see him again. Ever since that kiss she had noticed she had missed feeling this giddy and bubbly.

"Just don't come running to me when he acts like a jackass again. And I guess you can invite whomever you want, as this is still your place, so…"

With that Nate just left and went upstairs. That big man could really act like a true diva sometimes.  
Rianne stayed back, hurt by his words. That the loft was in her name and Nate just payed rent usually never came up. It had been "their home" pretty much from the start.

She started to wash up, making more noise than she had to.  
Even her cat Límon took flight, although he normally hung around the kitchen, ready to pounce on any leftovers from the table. Once a street-cat, always a street-cat! This very special one had been waiting in front of her van and the apartment complex several weeks in a row last year, always begging and looking at her with pleading eyes, until one day she could not stop her heart from giving in and took the cat to a vet and then into her home. With his twelve years Limon was a senior but still healthy and clever enough to amaze and make her laugh every day.

* * *

The Streeterville neighborhood was a prime location to live in Chicago and an unique one as well, because it was surrounded by water.  
Its Southern border was defined by the Chicago River, Lake Michigan spanning to the East. It had a dense urban feel and consisted of a rhythmic blend of tourists, young professionals and students. Being the home of Navy Pier and other attractions it was a bit busy, especially in the summer, but offered endless options for dining, restaurants and entertainment within walking distance. It was an energetic, vibrant hotspot with exceptional views on Chicago's waterfront.

Jay had even looked at an apartment in this area before he'd finally moved in with Erin, because he wanted something new for the both of them, but then things had turned out differently. In the end he'd been glad. He would have had trouble to afford living in this part of the city on his own. It was certainly not a cheap neighborhood, but no doubt about it: the views were worth millions. He wondered how Rianne and Nate could afford it though. Two social workers salaries couldn't be that much. Adam had always bragged about what kind of a dope loft his cousin lived in. At that time Jay hadn't known that all the while he was as well talking about the place Rianne lived in too.  
Getting out of the elevator on the 9th floor at 458 East North Water Street, he could already hear laughter, talking and some music playing. He walked into the direction of the noise and found the front door of 9C open, which he thought was odd and a little dangerous in a town like this, but it was not his place to give out advice. Even if this was a relatively safe neighborhood he was feeling a little paranoid lately.

When Jay entered the loft it suddenly felt like he wasn't in Chicago anymore. Even though there were a ton of familiar faces that greeted him right away in the hallway, the atmosphere and interior of that place were so in contrast to this city's look it was like entering another world.  
It was spacious, artsy and with so many personal touches and details, he wasn't able to catch them all at once.

The open-floor plan was beautiful. Kitchen and living-room area were practically one large space, only here and there divided by thick wooden pillars, holding up the upper floor and the gallery, to which a black steel staircase, situated kind on the left side of the room, was leading.  
There were three stairs connecting the living-room area from the kitchen that had a brick island, where some people had gathered with glasses in hands, engaged in conversations. It was a beautiful combination of industrial-style and something really warm and homey. Personal pictures, rustic wooden shelves and hanging plants colored the light brick walls, the walnut hard-wood floors were here and there decorated with fluffy Aztec rugs. From the high ceiling and the gallery banister there were several light bulbs hanging down on a chain. Jay took in the floor to ceiling-windows that offered a fantastic view over some part of the river and Chicago's city-lights and skyscrapers on an early evening in August.  
Someone had placed a hammock right in front of that view making it seem even more like a vacation home somewhere in the Mediterranean area than a loft in the middle of rural Chicago. There was a smaller balcony leading out, which seemed to be connected to another room that was closed off from the living area. The doors of the few rooms that were closed off from the other living-space where floor to ceiling as well, to be specific they were sliding doors with black steel frames. Because they were made out of glass someone had added white linen curtains behind the doors.

Suddenly Adam was beside him, slapping him on the shoulder:

"Hey, I am so glad you're here too. Feels like there are slightly more women at this party than men."

"Maybe because your cousin has invited a ton of his co-workers who are mostly all female. It comes with the job..."

Kim was right beside him, looking sweet in her red summer dress and hugging Jay hello, engulfing him in an unfamiliar cloud of perfume.  
Jay thought that he was really not used to seeing his colleagues in anything but their day-to-day clothes. Every time the women in the department wore something more feminine it surprised him as if he just realized then that there was a difference between them and a difference between their private life and the life on the job. Sometimes these worlds seemed to blend into one another with their crazy hours and time spent together away from home.

"Come on, let's get you up to the roof. That's really my favorite thing about this place! When Rianne was looking for a roommate I actually proposed I would just take the roof in the summers," Adam was telling him, while walking ahead already.

Jay tagged along. Adam and Kim obviously felt quite at home here and knew their way around the building.  
They went up the staircase to the upper floor overlooking the living-room area. It seemed that Rianne and Nate were using the space outside of the two other rooms on the 1st floor (where Nate he was informed later) for their music and creative equipment. Jay could make out a keyboard and some guitars as well as some amps and Rianne's bass guitar he'd seen her playing at Molly's. There was also a small arts and crafts and sewing area. Who was this woman living here, he kept asking him and more importantly where was she?

An iron door in the back wall went out to the roof and once he opened it Jay was again outside of the city it seemed.  
The loft had a wooden roof deck that someone had turned into a garden. It was equipped with cozy lounges, many, many plants, a solar sail that created a wonderful canopy over the comfortable furniture. There were outdoor rugs, fairy lights, candles and lanterns everywhere. About 40 people enjoyed the view and the scenery up here. Someone had gotten a barbecue going, a soundsystem was blasting a "Rodrigo y Gabriela" song, adding to the backdrop of a Southern American atmosphere. They had also had hired a bartender, mixing colorful cocktails in a corner near the roof banister.  
Jay's eyes then zoned in on another factor that wasn't from his usual world. He'd been unconsciously looking for her all the time since he made his way through the entrance.

She wore a long black knitted dress with a low back, revealing yet another tattoo on her body. She was barefoot and even though she was laughing and talking and kind of dancing with Matt Casey and stood a good twenty feet away from him, she seemed drawn to his stare right away. He found her turning around, looking into his direction without searching the crowd and smile at him a little, almost shy, and cut the conversation she was having short. Matt waved at him from a distance.  
Coming over to him, Adam and Kim Rianne then smiled a radiant smile, the one of a true hostess:  
  
"Hi, welcome to our home and to the party."

She made an inviting gesture and even bowed her head a little, smiling, her long earrings making quiet tinkling sounds. Obviously she'd already said hello to his two colleagues, because there was no hug-party going on as usual.

"Thanks – it's amazing!" Jay still found himself adjusting.

"Just help yourself to anything you like: there's the barbecue, we have more food downstairs. You can choose a cocktail of your liking. Martinez will gladly hook you up!" she gestured at everything up here while talking.

"You made all of this?"

"The food downstairs yes, the barbecue and bartender is Nate's hire for tonight."

"Okay, so what are you drinking?"

"Gin Tonic?" she answered him.

Jay nodded and went to get himself a drink and her as well, Adam and Kim said they were good for now.  
He normally didn't need liquid courage, but it could definitely not hurt either. Being here and in her presence made him somehow jittery and nervous. And there was the question why he was even exploring this when he could have had a nice quiet evening at home or gone hang out with Hailey.  
But somehow the words of his brother had sunk in:

"Go out and live a little!"

Maybe this was something he had not really done for the last months, maybe even longer. So how much could it hurt to just go to a party and let things play out how they were supposed to be. Have a real life instead of just an undercover life!

* * *

When Jay got back to her with their drinks, Adam and Kim had wandered off to talk to some other acquaintances.  
Those two seemed to be real chummy at the moment Rianne had noticed since last week. She was glad and happy for Adam as everyone knew how deep his feelings for his ex-fianceé still went. Secretly she had been rooting for them to get back together ever since he and Hailey broke it off. Not that there hadn't been some moping going on about that on his front too, but him and Kim were a different matter altogether. Rianne always thought they were end-game, so who knew what the future held for them…  
She clinked glasses with Jay and was glad she had some distraction for a second, pretending to enjoy her drink, she had felt extremely nervous around seeing him again today. Her face felt like it was on fire and she was sure it was not the effect of being in the sun for too long. How could she have ignored that he was such a babe, while interacting with him work wise? Or maybe she had noticed but had been concentrating more on the things she found annoying about him.

Again she was overly aware that he smelled real nice, so nice that she had to keep herself from sniffing the collar of his slim fit burgundy polo shirt, whenever he stood close to her. And the way he was watching her over the rim of his glass with those crazy green eyes, pfffff… maybe she needed more ice in her tonic.  
Looking around to search for a momentary distraction and calm herself down, she caught Stella's glances from a distance.  
Her friend was smiling smugly and actually wiggling her eyebrows at her encouragingly while dancing with Kelly. Stella knew exactly how awkward a situation this must be for her, so Rianne rolled her eyes at her and turned around to Jay again. It felt like she needed to be somewhere quieter with him and not stand here not knowing what to talk about and being under the scrutiny of her friends while doing so.  
She quickly made a proposition:

"You want me to show you around and check out the food downstairs?"

"Yes, of course! More food sounds great!"

Glad that he really seemed eager to be shown around she took her drink to go and got a move on. While on their way downstairs again and explaining who lived where and why and how, feeling more in her element now, she noticed that Jay was extremely attentive and a true gentleman. He opened doors for her, saved her from stepping on her dress more than once and kept a respectable distance. There was a whole different side to the man opposed to the side he'd shown her all these months. Rianne was glad he mostly followed her and not the other way around. She would have probably been staring at his behind in those well-fitted dark jeans all the time. When the hell did he find the time to keep that body in shape? Maybe it was all the running he did on the job, like she'd seen him do last time.

Their little tour, sometimes interrupted by new guests coming in she had to welcome and exchange a few words with, ended at the buffet downstairs and then at the kitchen's breakfast-bar with plates full of food for Jay. Rianne wasn't really that hungry, but found it satisfactory to see he was digging in with a real appetite. It was quieter down here now, because the main crowd was on the roof and almost everybody had cleared out of the downstairs area. Rianne liked to have the privacy and Jay didn't seem to mind hanging out with her instead of joining the whole crowd upstairs.

"Who the hell is cleaning all of this? You got house keeping?"

Jay asked, gesturing to all the space in the loft and still chewing appreciatively on a piece of empanada.

"We could have had that, but actually: That's Nate's territory. We got this real classic chore board: I cook and he cleans. And he's really good and obsessive about it."

Even if the two of them hadn't really been talking much since their conversation about Jay a few days ago. Rianne thought it was ridiculous.

"I actually like that this is a private space. But we got an own gym in the shared area downstairs…"

"Yeah, I noticed that when I read the elevator tags. I wish I had that too at my building."

"Where would that be, your building?"

"Wicker Park."

Her and Jay kept talking amicably and covered several topics. Everything from her love for cooking, after he'd tasted some more of her homemade tapas, and his love for eating obviously, over her growing up as an only child in between two workaholic parents, with her Argentinian grandmother living with them and being the only real family and provider of life hacks and advise to her.

"Maybe this is why I don't like being on my own so much. I always have to stay busy and love it to have people around. This make-shift family of friends here is actually some kind of childhood compensation thing I think."

Jay actually laughed at her sarcastic and self-analyzing remarks about herself.  
She told him a bit about her upbringing and the countries she had lived in before finally coming to Chicago.  
Born in Amsterdam she spent some of her childhood years in Rome, Buenos Aires and Edinburgh. Because of her father's job they moved around a lot. She even went to one private school in India once. Ever since refusing to go with her family to move back to Argentina she stayed in the US on her own. She had been living in college dorms and housing communities and then finally here. It had to have some upside to have had a trust fund and put it to good use by buying this loft. Rianne thought of it as her first real home in a very long time. Never had she stayed in one place longer than she now had in Chicago.

"How often do you see your parents?" Jay wanted to know.

"Not very often. They got a divorce when I was 26. My mum moved back to Amsterdam, dad's still in Buenos Aires and retired by now. So I have to use and split my vacation days to go see them. But that's better than having them visit me, believe me and as I already made the two journey's this year, we're good for now. Wanna see the rest of the house?"

Her family was a chapter that could last them a whole evening of conversation, but she didn't want to tell him all the sob stories of her life at once.

"Do you mind if we close the front door before we start?"  
  
Jay suddenly looked a little uneasy and almost a bit embarrassed that he had to ask this.

Rianne thought she heard him wrong, then smiled disbelievingly: "Does it bother you that it's been open the whole time?"

"Kind of…" The grimace he pulled was funny and adorable at the same time.

"God, you're really a police officer, are you?"

"Sorry, but…"

"It's fine. Really, give in to your urges and close that door…," she laughed and waved him off and Jay wouldn't let himself be told twice.

* * *

Jay was kind of relieved and quickly went back to the entrance. He heard her call "Nerd!" in his back, but didn't mind. Rather a nerd than murdered by some creep sneaking through security downstairs. Maybe he'd really seen too much.

On his way back to the living-room he noticed that the hallway entrance wall was the only real girlie feature of the place as it was colored in ombré bright pink with golden highlights. Everything else really was dark or natural wooden furniture and earthy tones, linen and leather. The centerpiece of the living-room consisted of an extra-large, extra-big cognac artificially worn leather sofa piece. Even Rianne's rooms (a bedroom and an ensuite bathroom) which they had had a sneak peak in earlier, were held in relatively plain and natural colors. He was sure thought that the big flat-screen TV or rather big screen hanging from the ceiling was Nate's doing.  
When he got back to the kitchen she had downed her drink and didn't give him the time to settle back in at the bar:

"Come on, I'll show you another good place to fall in love with Chicago..."

She grabbed his hand, sending a jolt of electric shocks up his arm, and took him to the windows with the hammock in front of it. Opening the sliding doors to the small balcony he'd seen earlier, they slipped outside, being again surrounded by a lot of plants and a cosy lounge area.  
Rianne went to stand on the left end side of the balcony, which was slightly hidden from view from the inside. Jay now saw that there was a second balcony door, leading to her quarters from the outside. Some of the music from upstairs drifted down to them as the deck was kind of the roof over that balcony. Laughter and voices carried over too.  
Jay was standing right behind her, admiring the view of the city and the Ogden Slip, opposite the River East Art Center Promenade. The greenish-blue water was glistening in the evening sun.

He watched as this surprising woman right in front of him enjoyed the scenery. Despite seeing this almost everyday she took a deep breath and closed her eyes just a little bit. The sun sent her last rays of sunshine over the city, dipping everything in a deep orange light, a slight evening chill now palpable. She seemed proud of her home and content to just be in this moment, having gained her natural confidence back after that little awkward moment up on the roof before. Even though Jay wanted to stay composed this time and not maul her against some wall again, he couldn't really help himself to be physically drawn to her. He just had to reach out his hand and softly touch her neck with the mandala tattoo on it. Somehow he wanted to make sure that they were on the same page concerning their physical attraction to one another. He didn't need another platonic friend.

She sucked in some air through her teeth when he ran his fingertips over the fine lines of the ink. He would have liked to know how much further down her spine it went than the dress revealed and caught himself hoping he would find out one day. Being this close to her switched off something inside of him and switched on something different he hadn't let himself feel for a while. He had been thinking a lot about wanting to touch her again after their last encounter.

Rianne turned around and looked up at him from under her lashes. His hand and fingers had fallen to her side during her movement, where he kept them, not ready to let go of her. As her dress had some running stitches on the sides he got in contact with baby soft skin underneath the fabric.

"So, was it just a ruse to not be alone with me that you invited me to the party instead of going out on a date?"

"Well… right,…" she was looking over his shoulder and not into his eyes for a little moment, but then met his look again, scrunching up her nose apologetically:

"I am not really good at lying - just to myself - so I am gonna tell you the truth: Yes, sort of… and I couldn't skip on the party obviously, as this is my best friend's birthday and we do this every year and I thought you could get to see where we live as this is a good way of getting to know one another outside of work…" she began rambling and his smile grew wider, finally finding something she wasn't so confident about.

Although just telling it like it was probably was confident.

"This is a really beautiful home you got here," Jay said in a low voice, meaning something else entirely and stepping a little closer.

"Thanks. I'm glad you approve of something I've done," she smirked up at him.

Without her usual boots or wedges she was well a whole 4 inches shorter than him. He thought it took away a bit of her tough front, too.

"Hey, I thought we were past that?"

"I don't know, are we?" She teased and again he found himself mesmerized by the light in her eyes.

"I thought we established that since I kissed you last week, and since I helped you with your car and we exchanged numbers…"

"Oh, that's how you call it: Exchanged numbers… I will let that go for now, but why don't you enlighten me: Why did you do that again? I mean: the kissing?"

"I guess I wanted to shut you up, or get something else from these lips than their usual argumentative comments…"

"Me? Argumentative, I think that's the first I've heard of…"

And again Jay just had to act on what his whole body was telling him to do: Kiss her again already!  
This time it was not quite so desperate, but nonetheless like a rush when he crushed his mouth to hers, cupping her cheek and curling his fingers through the hair on her neck. Her little surprised squeal was adorable, but her hands quickly found their way to his shoulders, caressing his neck and then his upper arms, her whole body leaning into his.

"Shit, so it wasn't just the influence of alcohol…"

She had to catch her breath audibly after having pushed against his chest a little harder, so that he ended the kiss.

"Maybe it is, you have been drinking tonight as well…"

"No, definitely not enough to be hallucinating this. But I've been meaning to ask you: Why is it that I should get **my** permit reapproved?"

"Because… your mouth and lips are sassy, bossy and taste like some kind of drug you just get hooked on immediately…"

"That's kinda cheesy you know, but sweet, thank you!"

She smiled at him again, biting her lip, her eyes flickering with something he hoped to recognize as desire.  
He wanted to continue kissing her so bad, but before he could do something about that, there was a small furry ball rushing out of the small space of the second balcony-door leading to Rianne's quarters. Jay instinctively stepped a bit away from her to access what was happening and couldn't see what it had been at first. Rianne just laughed at his demeanor and bent down to the floor.

"Oh, that's just Límon! Seems like we forgot to invite him to the party. Wanna join us little man?" She addressed the animal that was now next to her.

"It's a … funny-lucking cat…" Jay didn't want to offend her, but actually the cat that had come running out of her room onto the balcony wasn't the sweet, fluffy pet one would imagine living in such a nice home. It was scrawny with wild dirty white hair. A piece of his orange ear was missing and it had a grumpy face and a scruffy tail. Instead of being afraid of the stranger in his territory the cat jumped up on the balcony wall right next to them and rubbed his head against Rianne's hand, looking at Jay curiously out of mismatched green and brown eyes.

"You can just say it like it is: he's a real ugly old bugger, aren't you?"

Rianne petted the cat's head and chuckled when Límon kind of nodded against her touch and then began licking his fur dedicatedly.

"Did you just say 'bugger'?"

Jay didn't know when he'd heard someone use that word ever before.

"Yeah, that's just one of the many special words I have collected throughout my childhood and teenage years."

* * *

"Are you and Rianne in a fight man?"

Adam couldn't help but notice the somewhat distanced and strained atmosphere between the two roommates and that when Rianne had disappeared downstairs with Jay, Nate's eyes had been glaring daggers into their backs. Usually the two of them would spark off one another at these kind of events. Even if engaging with different guests at times they would come together for a drink, a dance or even a performance of their music. But tonight it was different, they weren't even really talking to each other.  
Kim had been thinking so too, when Adam asked her if she felt something was off. He wondered how they had gotten all the preparations done so immaculately without communicating as much as usual.

"Yes, I think we are!"

Nate's mouth escaped a bitter laugh and he was well into his third cocktail. He seemed to be in roaring spirits, despite the current situation with his friend. But knowing the treats of being a Ruzek, Adam knew he was deflecting most serious topics with sarcasm. Nate was looking back over to the roof-door, where a new guest was walking onto the deck.

"You invited Ayla?"

Adam almost could not believe his eyes when he followed Nate's gaze, whereas his cousin just nodded that he did indeed invite this one and had all the intention of giving her a special hello.  
Before he wandered over to the tall blonde figure in a blue cocktail dress he patted Adam's shoulder and said:

"Rianne's falling for that Halstead guy and doesn't even know it yet. So I guess I can piss off and care about my own life now," then he was off to greeting the woman who had now seen him as well and smiled widely.

"Am I the only one who remembers what happened last time with that girl?"

Adam was nonplussed in the face of such stupidity and put an arm around Kim. He loved that she let him.

"Nope, I remember quite as well!"

Never having been a supporter of complete irrational behavior Kim raised her hand and rolled her eyes up to the sky, then leaned into his embrace and was pulled even closer to his side.  
Ayla was Nate's on-and-off-crazy-ex-girlfriend.  
Adam couldn't believe that his cousin was backpedaling again with that woman. He had hoped they had averted that train-wreck of a relationship for good. In his eyes Ayla had always been too young, too vain, too dull and too jealous for Nate and his world, but she was a looker, Adam had to give her that. If one liked the American Beauty look. Nevertheless there had been several, uncountable fights between those two, many cases of adultery on both sides and in the last years they never could make the relationship work for more than three or four months in a row. But somehow they kept getting back together. This time Adam was sure it was just to spite Rianne, because she had invited Jay, which hadn't surprised him that much after that concert. Nate could be childish and resentful like that. Creating relationship trouble, be that accidentally or on purpose, really seemed to be a Ruzek family treat.

* * *

Before him and Rianne could continue their private house-viewing and their flirtatious getting-to-know one another, she was called away by some colleagues. They wanted to give speeches and a special present to Nate and therefor called everybody up to the roof. And a big cake was to be done as well. Of course Rianne could not pass up on that, so their one-on-one time was over quicker than Jay liked.  
They joined a bigger group upstairs including Kim, Adam, Stella, Kelly and Matt and he noticed his brother was also here by now, winking at him conspiringly when he caught sight of Jay. He tried to ignore that as best as he could.

Everybody watched the little spectacle Nate's guests had prepared for him.  
As it was almost dark now, all the lights and lanterns created a real festive atmosphere.  
Jay couldn't really concentrate on what was going on in front of him, because Rianne stood really close and her arm kept brushing against his, creating goose bumps on his skin and causing his heart to speed up. If she did it deliberately or by accident Jay wouldn't know, he just knew he liked it a lot.  
He also tried to don't give a damn about the looks Adam and Kim were giving him since there seemed to be no fight for once on the horizon and a rather different atmosphere between Rianne and him. Standing next to each other at the back of the crowd their fingers kept touching more and more. It was the tiniest of contacts while they were both looking straight ahead all the time. Even so, his heart was in his throat by now. This felt really close to being back in his teenage years, but for once he found himself enjoying these little things and was just in the moment, nowhere else with his thoughts.

When the cake had been brought up to Nate and he'd blown out his candles, a girl in her mid-twenties, a little too dressed up for this occasion in a sparkling cocktail dress, joined the group and waved at everybody. From the reaction of all the others Jay noticed right away that this was not someone they wanted to have in their midsts. The blonde went straight for Rianne and positioned herself on her left side, smiling smugly, while the latter tried to ignore her as best as she could. But Jay could feel her stiffen next to him and in some kind of reflex grab on to his wrist and hold tight. He was curious to know what this all meant. Even though the girl was talking in a hushed voice to Rianne, he could hear every word:

"You probably thought you would have seen the last of me. But guess what? Nate seems to be realizing now that you are just a selfish little bitch. And now I am back, because he knows I am the only one who really cares about him. Prepare to deal with it! This time it's you he will leave behind, not me!"

Then she went to turn away again, but before she left she noticed Jay, a new face for her, beside Rianne. She gave him a predatory once-over before whispering in his direction:

"If I were you I'd make a run for it before she gets her dirty claws into you, too. Look at her track record…"

Rianne's fingers where now almost clawing at his arm, which alerted him even more. Talking about claws…  
By then Adam had positioned himself between the blonde and Jay, asking her in a very clear manner to leave them alone:

"I think that's enough Ayla!"

So that Ayla had the nerve to just sigh and smile sweetly at Adam:

"You too will get to see that I am here to stay, too!" before leaving as if she had all the time in the world.

Everybody stood around Rianne then, making sure she was okay.  
When she had waved them off that it was fine and to go get a piece of cake, she just hissed: "Perra estupida!" under her breath.  
Obviously it was not fine and she tried very hard not to go after that woman and give her a piece of her mind.  
Jay looked at her quizzically and took that hand of hers off his wrist with his other hand. She let him rub his thumb over her palm soothingly for a minute before letting go. Rianne shortly informed him who that spiteful person had been and stated:

"I hate her, she hates me. It's simple as that. She thinks I am responsible for things not working out between Nate and her, that he always puts me first. And I think she is just a stupid little girl. I don't have a clue why Nate's invited her, but that's none of my business."

"Isn't it a little true that he puts you first?"

Not knowing the story behind these roommates at first he had even thought they were a couple.

"I don't know, maybe. But it's not like I ask him to be there for me always."

'You don't have to ask him, he just does and I think he's in love with you,' Jay thought but didn't say that out loud.

"I thought Nate had gotten rid of that Lolita months ago?"

Will, who had also witnessed the little rabbel-rousing Ayla had been trying, came over to them now, hugging Rianne as they hadn't formally greeted each other.  
They chatted for a little while, mostly about him just making it out of the hospital before anyone could order him to do a double-shift and Natalie not being lucky enough to get out of hers in time for the party. Jay noticed that Rianne still seemed troubled by the little squabble with Nate's ex-girlfriend, her carefree demeanor gone, although she still listened politely to Will rambling on and on about this and that and laughed at his jokes.

Suddenly her attention switched away to another place. Her body language, he began to understand, was like an open book, when one took the time to pay attention to it. First she was tense and inching away, then she excuse herself:

"I am sorry to have to do this, but there are some people I have to talk to. Please enjoy the night and help yourselves to anything you like."

With a remorseful last squeeze to Jay's arm she left him standing with his brother to walk off into another direction. She had scraped her nails over his naked skin a bit, lingering a little longer than a friendly pat would have required. Jay's blonde hairs on his arms still stood on end in the aftermath.

Will had watched that exchange with an amused smile playing on his lips: "Soooooo, give me the newsflash little bro!"

"I'm sorry, what?" Obviously Jay had been too occupied with staring after Rianne to hear Will's question directed at him.

"What's going on with you and the woman of the house? Can we prepare ourselves for some epic romance any time soon? What have I missed, did you take my advice?"

Will got excited easily. Sometimes he reminded Jay of an eager puppy, always ready to play. Never in a million years would Jay admit that his brother's words had had some effect on him.

"God Will, shut up! You're such a child…" he just shook his head at him and decided to keep his thoughts to himself for now.

Jay didn't even know how to answer the question his brother had voiced out, but wondered who was the older one of them sometimes.

"Who are they?"

He rather was interested in the people Rianne had left him for to go talk to and jutted his chin out into the direction they were now gathered around the barbecue.

"If I remember correctly they are siblings of her husband. They're always at these kind of get-togethers, at least the one's I've been invited to. I think she's still close with his family. La grande familia Italiano, comprende?"

Husband - this word in connection to her still sounded so weird in Jay's ears. But it was a fact. She had been married, and she was not divorced, she was a widow. A widow of 32 years. Almost like Natalie. His brother probably could tell some stories about how it felt to be dating a widow, but he was getting ahead of himself.  
When his phone buzzed in his front jeans-pocket he was not surprised that yet another private evening got cut short due to work.  
It was Voight asking them to come in again, new crime scene. His colleagues obviously had gotten the call as well and approached him immediately. Jay was curious on how Adam and Kim would get themselves sobered up in time and stop being so preoccupied with themselves. Obviously he would be driving as he was the one who had less than two drinks for the whole evening. Sometimes he really felt like everybody's dad.  
When they went over to Rianne, Adam did the big talking and Jay hung back, curious on how she would say goodbye to him. She still was in the company of the man and the woman in their mid-to-end-thirties, who were watching them curiously.  
He couldn't tell if she was disappointed or glad that they were leaving so soon, she hugged every one of them and he imagined her lingering in his embrace a bit longer, taking the time to whisper near his ear:

"I will make it up to you next time, but I can't say goodbye like I would want to right now…" with one last intense look shared between them she then turned around and picked the conversation off where she'd been interrupted:

"Dove eravamo rimasti? Ah si! I vostri genitori ne saranno felici."

Jay wondered how she had wanted to say goodbye then.


	8. Same Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Same Mistakes" by We Were Promised Jetpacks

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Really hot nights had gotten fewer by this time of year, but still they had to be reckoned with.  
Because she did not really like to sleep with the ac on Rianne could find no rest. At 2 a.m. she went to sit on her balcony breathing in the night air, which was still moist and warm. She was reminded of the times she and Andrea hat gone to visit his extended family back in Italy. In the summers she missed the Mediterranean flair most. The feeling never really was the same here in this big city. But she also wasn't sure if she could ever be in Italy again without Andrea. She had never been back since he died.  
Come to think of it she had never really been on a real holiday since their crazy road-trip with Nate almost three years ago across the country to the West Coast. The holiday which had been their last one together, their last adventure, full of spontaneous, life-altering decisions before fate hit and destroyed everything she had known to be her past, present and future until then.

She had learned this one big scary truth about trauma: there was no 'getting over it' or 'getting back to normal'. Instead she had begun a path to find a 'new normal' and a new self, nothing had ever been the same, she was different now, period. This was not a wholly negative thing. Her way to healing from this trauma had also been a way of finding new strength and joy.

Rianne had been composing texts to Jay for days now, never really satisfied with the outcome and thereby never pressing sent to any of them. And he had been keeping quiet on his end too, whatever the reason for that was. Maybe the ball was in her court. Her head had been spinning and she'd been constantly asking herself if this was really something she wanted to pursue. If it was worth loosing sleep and fighting over with her best friend? She was a bit angry with herself that she had been feeling pressured by the presence of Nino and Giulia at the party after all. Seeing them and feeling Jay's body she wanted to keep close by her side, she'd felt torn and guilty and as if she had to decide. There could not be both and in that moment she had not been brave enough to stay with him under their observant glances or take him with her while she went and talked to them. That she had picked her 'old life' and the 'old me' that didn't fit her so well anymore over new experiences angered her, and it annoyed her even more that Nate had been right one way or another.

"Can't sleep?" He suddenly stood in her doorframe, chest bare and glistening with sweat too.

"Yeah, if it wasn't so noisy I'd rather sleep outside here tonight."

He went to sit next to her on a lounger and looked ahead at the clear starry sky.  
It was the first time he looked for her company since the week before his party. Rianne took it as his white flag to end the silent fight they were apparently having. She knew they would not really talk it out and that many things lay in the unspoken between them, but she would take him up on his offer. That was for sure. She could only fight on so many fronts at once.

"Feel like giving me a hug?" Rianne tentatively asked.

"Just a hug or more of a hug-hug…?" Nate was wary it seemed and he didn't really look at her.

"I don't know, for now I'd be happy with just a hug…"

"Come here," Nate reached out for her and pulled her into his lap, wrapping her tight around him, even if they both had been complaining of how hot this night was.

Rianne was more than happy to let herself fall into his arms, put hers around his neck and be comforted by his familiar freshly laundered scent and warmth. Nate rested his chin on her shoulder while holding on tightly to her waist. He allowed his fingers to dig a little into her skin and let out a long breath he seemed to have been holding for a long time. Rianne let out a similar breath of relief as well.

It was her Achilles heel. Whenever someone (a friend, a boyfriend, a member of the family) avoided physical contact with her it made her nervous and triggered a really irrational fear of loss she found difficult to deal with. Of course she had self-analyzed where that came from, but it didn't mean she could just drop it.

"So, you still mad at me?" Rianne mumbled near Nate's ear.

"I was never mad at you, just … I don't know… Overprotective, confused? Feeling left out lately."

"And Ayla?"

Before Nate had told her that he'd invited her too, she had almost caved in about inviting Jay, because she didn't like to be in a fight with Nate. But that information and defiant reaction of his had made her so furious, that she had stood her ground. Now she tried not to gloat about the fact, that she'd heard Nate and Ayla screaming at each other the morning she had stayed over after the celebrations. It was always the same with those two. But seemingly Nate didn't want to learn.

"Adam told me what she said to you at the party, I confronted her about it and that's the end of the story. I am really sorry…"

"But you knew exactly this was going to happen."

"Let's just don't talk about it… she's a bitch, we already knew that. I was stupid and … Just don't rub it in, okay?" Nate looked at her pleadingly.

He was still nervous, although her sitting on his lap and talking to him again meant she had forgiven him already. Even if he had been the one who had been in a sour mood first. Rianne decided against further having a discussion about Ayla then:

"I think I got written up for mouthing off in family court today!"

"Oh wow - that's a first, do tell…" and Nate took the bait.

Gladly she updated him on today's work-events, changing the line of conversation completely.  
And just like that their dynamic was back to normal, or so it seemed. Work related stuff was usually a safe topic between them.  
Nate didn't ask what was going on with Jay or anything else related to the start of this fight and Rianne let him. In the back of her mind she knew she was afraid of the answers she'd get if she kept pressing the matter and asked him what it was exactly that he'd gotten so upset about. She needed this to not be complicated. She needed Nate and her to work as usual. So she didn't tell him either that some ghost from their past had been approaching her. She would just deal with him on her own and leave him out of it.

* * *

"Adam, we have a problem!"

Jay had been working in the surveillance van for an undercover gig at a club in River North. The plan was to take down a ring of weapon and drug dealers tonight. Hailey was in the car with him, everybody else had infiltrated the club.  
Burgess and Rojas were acting as shot girls and Adam a security guard inside. Kevin had been playing bodyguard for the head of the crew for quite some time now to get them important information. They kept an eye out for several people involved in the matter. Intelligence suspected that they would meet up tonight to make a million-dollar deal with some Croatians. If they could make the bust it would mean that several weapons would come off the market and the people responsible finally would get what they deserved.  
Everything went as planned so far. Voight had SWAT on standby, ready to move in if needed. When watching the footage from Vanessa's and Kim's pinhole cameras Jay had spotted someone he'd been thinking quite a lot about these last weeks, and who's face kept popping up all over his usual city routes all of a sudden.

It was not an easy one to get off his mind these days. He never had noticed before how much common ground in Chicago they already had. He'd seen her out running along the river bank when driving by on duty with Hailey, he'd caught a glimpse of her serving drinks at Molly's the other night, when he was picking up his brother because Will had had one too many to drink, and of course more than once he'd seen her van parked somewhere around the district. And now she was in this particular club? Why was this happening?

Hailey had made the connection too and he knew she worried right away about having to decide between their plan going awry due to unforeseeable circumstances or endangering someone they all knew and worked with.

"Adam, I don't care how you do it, but we've seen that Rianne Torres is in the club. You have to get her out of there. Tell her to move into the parking lot and keep walking. I got it from there!" Jay hoped Adam would find a way to make this happen without blowing his cover.

"Shit, shit, shit, try to call her and text her!" they heard Adam over the wire and Jay frantically searched for her contact in his phone and started calling. When she didn't pick up he texted her:

_" **Get out of that club! Now! If you see Adam, act like you don't know him, please trust me on this!"**_

If Hailey wondered why Jay had Rianne's private contact information she didn't led on, but he knew he probably would have some explaining to do later.

"God, this is a nightmare. Why this club, why today?" Jay was pissed and worried, but how could she have known?

"Jay, please relax! Adam's got this!" Hailey tried to assure him, but nonetheless the atmosphere was tense.

It seemed like an enormous amount of time passed and he had to keep himself from pacing, which was impossible in this vehicle, before the line opened up again:

"I got eyes," Adam announced over his wire.

Hailey and Jay were really quiet the following minutes, keeping their eyes on the screen of the laptop in the van, still focused on the main task ahead, but nonetheless a bit distracted.

"Wait a minute Adam! Why is she talking to Lorenzo's doorman?" Vanessa suddenly said and changed positions inside the club so that Hailey and Jay could clearly see Rianne in a heated discussion with one of the people working for the crew's supposable head.

Rojas was too far away for them to hear anything, but nonetheless Jay felt his stomach churn and confusion grip a hold of him. What the hell? This did not really make sense. Why would she know this guy?  
Before he could gather his thoughts on what this meant and how to deal with it, everything went really fast. Kevin used the code word over the wire, meaning something was very wrong concerning the deal and things probably got heated. So Jay and Hailey had to react quickly and vest up.  
While Hailey contacted Voight to hear what his orders where, Jay's adrenaline spiked up, especially when he heard Adam calling:

"Gun! Everybody get down on the ground!" before several gunshots were being fired inside the club and Hailey and Jay kicked into action mode.

* * *

As it turned out the Croatians hadn't liked the deal that was being offered to them and while just walking away from the table didn't seem like an option they got into an altercation with the other crew and finally tried to shoot their way out of the club.  
Several civilians got injured, crew members shot, Intelligence and SWAT moved in, trying to save what could be saved. Luckily everyone on the force got away relatively unharmed and they were able to put cuffs on most of the guys, only a few were in the wind.

After luckily having been able to fully concentrate on the task ahead without letting his thoughts about Rianne run riot, Jay felt relief flood through every bone in his body, when he saw her standing in a corner of the club, talking to Ruzek.  
Adam was holding her head in his hands in an urgent way, obviously trying to talk her down. Having secured the area, Hailey and Jay approached them.  
She was okay, she was not hurt apart from a scratch on her cheek, where her body must have hit the floor or broken glass had cut her skin. There was some blood on her hands, but she kept telling Adam it was not hers. Some medics were seeing to a body lying next to Rianne and Adam. When Jay took a closer look he recognized it was the man she had been arguing with at the beginning of the night. It seemed he had gotten shot, but was still breathing.

Clearly Rianne had made an effort to look like she belonged in that fancy club.  
Her deep red dress was tasteful, but really short compared to her usual choices. It definitely showed off her curvy behind and made her cleavage impressive, even though he knew it normally was smaller. She had even painted her fingernails deep red (Jay noticed because in his universe most women almost never wore nail-polish, just Erin had from time to time…) and she had pinned up her hair in an unusual plain way. Due to the events some curls had escaped, making the hair-do look a little disheveled. Her eyes were expressive as always, set in scene with eyeliner, giving them their cat-like edge.  
Studying her like that Jay felt on edge too. The attraction hadn't gone away just because they had been lacking personal contact this week.

After the party he'd been trying to figure out for himself how deep he wanted to get into this. Like he'd discussed with Will once before: This wasn't just any woman he could cut ties with when things got complicated or didn't work out as planned. Even though he didn't even know what the plan was.  
This was a woman with a lot of stories, emotional baggage and a past she was still dealing with, a past he didn't know everything about yet. But Jay felt that peeking behind the curtain had intrigued him rather than made him wanna turn away and run, he just didn't know how to proceed.  
Right now though his old mistrust set in and while she looked rather pleased to see him, Jay tried his best to keep his face emotion- and expressionless. He couldn't really deal with her as a private person now. In this case she was a witness to a crime, if not an accomplice and he had to treat her accordingly:

"You need to come back to the station with us!" Jay ordered, not offering a 'hello' or any other kind of greeting.

"Why? I just told Adam…" she looked at him wide-eyed, confused.

"You have to give a statement at the district, no matter what you told Adam!" His tone didn't leave room for arguing, or so he thought.

"Hello to you too by the way! Why are you so freaking bossy?" She scowled at him like she had so many times before.

The little piece of hurt that flickered in her blue eyes was gone in a flash and replaced by anger. Jay knew she would react this way and this actually made it easier for him. He was well accustomed to fighting with her after all. Right now he couldn't let her make him go soft on her just because he knew what those lips could do to him.

"Hailey?" He asked his partner with a certain look to take care of the unwilling woman and of course Upton understood:

"Come on!" Hailey put her hand on the small of Rianne's back, who looked at Adam questioningly.

He touched her arm, reassuring her: "Just go with them. It'll be fine. I'll talk to you later."

And so she reluctantly went with them and sat in the back of Jay's truck, her arms crossed and pouting like a little girl. He tried to avoid looking at her puzzled expression in the rear-view mirror and just drive, but failed miserably. This could not be the second time he let himself believe in someone's innocence and be fooled like this, could it? In his heart of hearts he did wanna believe that this was just a "wrong place, wrong time" incident, but he had to think like a detective here and not like the foolish man falling for her charms and turning a blind eye to what he had seen on tape. If she was in cahoots with one of the gang's doormen, what else hadn't she told him about herself?

* * *

Kim brought her a hoodie and some coffee after Rianne had been waiting alone for a while.  
For many reasons she couldn't stop shaking. She felt unbelievably cold, although it was still 68 degrees out. But sitting here on her own in the unwelcoming interrogation room at the 21st had given her time to let the gravity of tonight's events sink in. Everything she had witnessed on scene: the chaos, the shots being fired, Marco's bleeding body next to hers on the floor. Then Adam's strained and concerned face as he was crawling towards her, her confusion at seeing him, the sound of people screaming and running around. She'd had to write down what she had seen before and after the first shots were fired, but she knew there where probably more questions to come.

"Thought you might be more comfortable in this," Kim said, touching her shoulder, when she handed over the piece of her clothing.

"Thank you. Where's Adam, is he all right?"

"Yeah, he's fine. He just had to ride to Med to see how the people who got hurt during the shooting are doing and get statements as soon as possible. The guy you were talking to at the club is one of them."

There was one thing that kept torturing Rianne and she just had to ask after she had put on the hoodie and taken a sip of the coffee, which was awful, but at least still warm:

"Why's he so angry at me?" She didn't need to tell Kim who she was talking about, the other female understood:

"You know, Jay has a hard time trusting people. And I think he just started to warm up to you and see you in a different light and then you sort of pop up in a context that makes him doubt you, I guess. His last romantic involvement with someone — although he was being undercover at that time and it was probably a different thing — turned out to be not exactly who he thought she was. That pretty much sucked for him and got him into big trouble work-wise…"

"But we're not romantically involved…" Rianne tried to say, but Kim just snorted at her:

"Please… I've seen you two. Don't try to deny that there is something there."

"I didn't …"

Both women were startled when all of a sudden the door to the interrogation room flew open with a loud bang:

"What the fuck were you doing at this club?" Jay stormed into the room, bringing in an air of darkness and wasting no time on pleasantries.

Rianne wondered what had taken him so long to get to her, but then she had no idea how long she had been sitting here.  
His lips were pinched together, so that they almost seemed white, his jaw set in an angry position and his forehead furrowed as he eyed her suspiciously.

Jeezus, good Lord! He wasn't just angry, he was completely pissed off with her and to her dismay it bothered Rianne to no end. Her heart was in her throat, making it hard to breath.  
Yes, she had been avoiding any personal contact with him since the party and contemplating to get him out of her head but had not really been able to think clearly and make a decision. Seeing him tonight, being near him, had struck a flame within her again. Even though he seemed to feel different about that, which was still unclear as to why exactly. As far as she was concerned she hadn't done anything illegal and he sure had to give her the benefit of the doubt?

Rianne knew she should tell him the truth nevertheless, the whole truth as soon as possible. It made no sense to deny who she had been meeting, as they must have her on video surveillance. She wasn't that naive. But seeing Jay acting like the cocky jerk he had been before with her, just made something inside her snap. She could give him a run for his money, if he didn't bestow the slightest bit of trust into her. Even though she wanted to feel those angry lips on her again, she was pretty annoyed with him for yelling at her like old times. She'd thought they had established a different relationship by now.

"I was meeting some people from work there, wanting to check out a new location," she answered and tried to keep calm. This was even close to the truth somehow.

"Why go dancing without your usual crew?" Jay kept pressing, even if it didn't mean anything right now.

He knew that she usually went out mostly with Stella and Sylvie from 51, sometimes Kim joined them or they went out with all the associated menfolk as well. They had been talking about their favorite weekend activities that night at Molly's.

"Nobody else was up to it and sometimes I just have to dance it out – I can't help it," she shrugged, already a bit nervous about this charade.

She had to force herself to meet Jay's eyes. He knew there was more to the story and he was fuming, probably thinking she was in deep with this weapon-dealing business Adam had been talking about.  
What the hell made him think that? He couldn't be that mistrustful, could he? For her to hide something like this? For God's sake she was a city employee. She was a little curious to see how he would get her to admit "the truth". In his eyes she could read he was getting more and more upset with her:

"Stop jerking me around! There is more to your story and we both know it!" He leaned forward over the table she was sitting at and slammed his hand down on it, so that her coffee cup spilled over.

Not into his intimidation tactics Rianne stood, as she wasn't that suspect who had to be handcuffed to the table, and created some physical distance between them, leaning against the opposite wall of the two-way-mirror. She crossed her arms and looked at him defiantly:

"I can't believe you are treating me like a criminal right now. I did not do anything illegal. But I guess this is what you have been waiting for all along, finding another fault with me?"

Jay was right in her face in two seconds, breathing down on her. With a daft and swift motion he had her pinned to his full body length, her back against the cold wall. It was scary and hot the way he looked at her inquiringly:

"Please, tell me I am wrong about this!" he growled.

So close up it was hard to focus on his pupils and not go cross-eyed. This was way too intense, but before she could do anything about it, Kim inserted herself into the questioning, scolding her colleague:

"Jay, that's enough. Back up!"

But he didn't even flinch at Kim's intervention, just kept glaring at Rianne and nodded encouragingly to answer him. For a minute their eyes fought a battle of their own, before she had to avert her gaze and give in:

"Fuck, I can't lie for shit to you."

"But you sure as hell can swear like a street punk." Jay was still agitated and tense, but he moved his hands from beside her head, giving her a little more space to breathe.

"Hell yes, I am sorry. Am I under arrest for that too?"

"No, but you still haven't answered my question!"

"Is this how you deal with all the people you interview in here?"

There was silence in the room before Kim spoke up and sighed:

"Why don't you just tell us what you know and we can all be done with this?"

So eventually Rianne did:

"Look, obviously you know more than I know, but this is my side of tonight's events. Kim, you know Andrea was a really good guy, I think nobody would argue with that. But he had his weaknesses like everybody else. One of them was not being able to spend money reasonably and he liked to gamble sometimes. So he was more broke than not and always trying to get his hands on some money to cover his debts. He let himself be talked into doing some - I think - shady business with some old friends from his neighborhood."

"Are these friends involved with the Chicago mob?" Jay immediately asked.

"You think just because he was Italian he had to be involved in some mobster business?"

"You tell me!"

"No! How cliché. As far as I know these guys were or are just some lowlifes looking for opportunities."

She told Kim and Jay how Marco, one of those old friends, had begun to sent her messages again lately, saying Andrea still had not paid up his debts. Obviously he was in some kind of trouble, trying to milk her for money and threatened to go to Andrea's family, who didn't know anything about their son being involved in such things. And Rianne had wanted to keep it that way. They had been through enough grievances.

"I thought about asking Adam for help, but he has been through so much trouble lately. I didn't wanna bother him with this." She alleged to Adam's latest run-in with a patrolman and the consequences of this and everything else that had been going on earlier that year.

"So, what were you doing in the club then tonight? Were you going to pay up?" Jay had edged away a bit more.

Nonetheless his presence in the room was overwhelming.

"No, of course not. He was expecting me to, but I was telling him that I wouldn't pay him a penny and to leave me the fuck alone or else I would call the cops on him. Next thing I know he's lying on the floor with a bullet hole in his stomach and everybody's screaming and running around."

Saying that out loud caused her skin to crawl all over again. Even if she liked to appear brave and collected on the outside, she couldn't help but wonder:

"Can you please tell me what the hell is going on with these guys and why I am being treated like a criminal?"

Rianne was angry that her voice sounded so timid and afraid of what the answer to her questions might be. For a split second she could see compassion and warmth flaring up in Jay's eyes and almost thought he would reach out to touch her face and reassure her, that everything was gonna be fine. Instead he went to face the two-way mirror in the room, turning his back to her. His shoulders were tense and he ran a hand along the back of his neck. The silence was getting on Rianne's last nerve, but thankfully Kim began explaining in a more soothing tone:

"The guy you were meeting, Marco, is involved with a crew of weapon and drug dealers. We have been after them for some time now. Tonight they have been trying to cut a big deal with another crew. It seems that it went wrong or someone didn't like what they were offering and got offended, so they shot their way out of the club. Some of them are in police custody now, others are in the wind. We are still trying to piece together the whole picture. But if you say that Andrea was hanging around with Marco and maybe some other guys, there is a possibility that he was more than looking for opportunities as you put it. It could very well be that he was more involved with the weapon ring than we know. We'll have to research how long this has been going on."

Rianne let out a shaky breath and felt her eyes well up with tears. The shaking started to get worse and she all but could keep herself standing upright in the face of such news:

"But I didn't know all that and no way Andrea knew about this! I can show you the messages I exchanged with Marco. Hell I even recorded our exchange in the club on my phone."

"So why didn't you say that right away?" Jay yelled at her exasperated, but then the door to the room flew open another time:

„Jay — out! Now!" Voight was standing in the doorframe, motioning for Jay to leave and his expression left no room for arguments.

Jay charged out of the room, slamming the door and leaving her staring nonplussed at Kim and Voight. She waited for the tears that were choking her up in the face of these shocking revelations to fall, but they weren't coming. Voight made her tell her the pincode for her phone that he already had in his possession to fact-check her story.

* * *

Outside the interrogation room Kevin and Hailey had been watching and listening in to the whole exchange inside.

"Am I the only one who needs a cigarette after watching this?" Atwater joked, Hailey huffed a little and went to meet Jay in the bullpen.

She didn't know what to make of this, but she feared another ride down Camila memory lane was happening. Before she could get to Jay and talk to him her phone buzzed in her back pocket. When she went to pick it up, Adam was on the other end of the line:

"Hey Ruz, any news?"

"Yeah, I talked to that Marco guy: He seems to be some kind of handyman, like Kevin said. No major player, actually he just told me he was looking for a way out so he thought he'd try to press Rianne for some money to get on his feet, as he knew she was good for it. Apparently he knew from Andrea that her parents are quite rich."

"Did he tell you anything about Andrea diVarese being involved into the business in the past?"

"Nope, but I will get him to talk to me about that. I just had a little bit of time with him before he was rushed into surgery again. He says Rianne had no idea what was going on, so I am sure her story checks out. Could I talk to her?"

"Yeah, just let me check in with Voight and then I'll put you on speaker in the interrogation room."

"You put her into the interrogation room? What the hell Hailey? Has Jay lost his mind?"

Hailey couldn't answer him this exact question. She just knew that her partner was being emotionally invested in this case.

Adam then told them again what he had found out at the hospital and that he would keep on researching and interviewing people. Voight gave him the go-ahead and stated that his report just confirmed what they had found in the contents of Rianne's phone. In a caring tone Adam then addressed Rianne directly:

"I am sorry, kiddo - this must be terrible news for you. But I promise you, we'll get to the bottom of this, I will make sure of that. Just hang in there hon."

Rianne seemed to be choked up, because she mostly just nodded at all that was being said and murmured a "thanks" into Hailey's phone, before Adam ended the call.

Hailey had left the room after Voight handed back the phone to her. She felt sorry for Rianne, sitting inside of there with already two police officers, obviously having done nothing wrong and still being drilled about it. Behind the mirror she found Jay, listening in to the conversation going on inside, looking upset and conflicted. He was rubbing the back of his neck a lot, the muscles in his jaw tense.

"What's going on with you?" She touched his shoulder and like she'd expected he flinched:

"I - I don't know. I can't really talk to you about that."

Hailey rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. Even after all this time Jay still was a piece of work. He knew she would get him to spit it out eventually, she didn't really understand why he had to put up a fight first:

"Jay, even if we're not really partnered up right now, I am still your partner. So you have to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you that you go off on her like that! Even for you: You were kind of intense in there, it felt personal."

"It is personal!" He yelled at her with a look in his eyes that scared her a little.

When he registered the emotion in her eyes she saw that he was shocked too and his posture changed:

"I am sorry Hails, I think I," he shook his head as if searching for the right words. "I think I am spiraling. I really fucked up…" Running his hands through his short hair he slumped against the wall.

What she wouldn't forgive him if he looked defeated like this…

"Look Jay, we haven't been hanging out this much for the last couple of weeks, but I can tell that obviously things have changed between you and Rianne since the last time we had a talk about her. So, whatever is going on between the two of you: I need you to figure that out and put things into perspective. For your own sake! And if you're not ready to start anything up again, be it a new friendship, an affair, a relationship, then don't. Just please try to separate your personal feelings from your professional point of view and your actions as a police officer."

"I know that!"

He was silent for a while, his gaze switching between Hailey, the floor and Rianne, who was still in with Kim and Voight, talking. Her face was pale, shadows forming under her eyes that weren't just from smudged make-up. For once she looked fragile but was still sitting upright.

"Do you ever get the feeling that your personal compass is off? I am so used to trusting it, trusting my gut feeling, but lately it seems it's pointing in a lot of different directions and I can't choose which way to go - what I want…"

"I know that feeling. It's hard to find balance every now and then but I think you have to try and leave the past where it belongs and don't let it dictate what path you choose in the present."

Even if Jay didn't say it out loud, she knew that past experiences were throwing him off his game, influencing his judgement, making him more careful than ever. Which was not entirely a bad thing, but not always fair to the people who had nothing to do with it.

"So, you think it's fixable?"

"Adam't pretty pissed at you, that's for sure. But you know how he is - he'll come around eventually, maybe with the help of one or two pilsners at Molly's…"

"And her?"

"This is not Camila Vega all over again, Jay! It's your real life… and I guess even though you acted like a complete ass today: she has a soft spot for you… God knows a lot of us have, so act on it or cut your losses!"

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Really hot nights had gotten fewer by this time of year, but still they had to be reckoned with.  
Because she did not really like to sleep with the ac on Rianne could find no rest. So at 2 a.m. she went to sit on her balcony breathing in the night air, which was still moist and warm. She was reminded of the times she and Andrea hat gone to visit his extended family back in Italy. In the summers she missed the Mediterranean flair most. The feeling never really was the same here in this big city. But she also wasn't sure if she could ever be in Italy again without Andrea. She had never been there since he died.  
Come to think of it she had never really been on a real holiday since their crazy road-trip with Nate almost three years ago across the country to the West Coast. The holiday which had been their last one together, their last adventure, full of spontaneous, life-altering decisions before fate hit and destroyed everything she had known to be her life and future until then.

She had learned this one big and scary truth about trauma: there was no 'getting over it' or 'getting back to normal'. Instead she had begun a path to find a 'new normal' and a new self, nothing had ever been the same, she was different now, period. This was not a wholly negative thing. Her way to healing from this trauma had also been a way to finding new strength and joy.

Rianne had been composing texts to Jay for days now, never really satisfied with the outcome and thereby never pressing sent to any of them. And he had been keeping quiet on his end too, whatever the reason for that was. Maybe the ball was in her court. Her head had been spinning and she'd been constantly asking herself if this was really something she wanted to pursue. If it was worth loosing sleep and fighting over with her best friend? She was a bit angry with herself that she had been feeling pressured by the presence of Nino and Giulia at the party after all. Seeing them and feeling Jay's body she wanted to keep close by her side, she'd felt torn and guilty and as if she had to decide. There could not be both and in that moment she had not been brave enough to stay with him under their observant glances or take him with her while she went and talked to them. That she had kind of chosen her 'old life' and not really fitting anymore 'old me' over new experiences angered her, and it annoyed her even more that Nate had been right one way or another.

"Can't sleep?"

Nate suddenly stood in her balcony doorframe, chest bare and glistening with sweat too.

"Yeah, if it wasn't so noisy I'd rather sleep outside here tonight."

He went to sit next to her on a lounger and looked ahead at the clear starry sky.  
It was the first time he looked for her company since the week before his party. Rianne took it as his kind of a white flag to end the silent fight they were apparently having. She knew they would not really talk it out and that many things lay in the unspoken between them, but she would take him up on his offer. That was for sure. She could only fight on so many fronts at once.

"Feel like giving me a hug?" Rianne tentatively asked.

"Just a hug or more of a hug-hug…?" Nate was wary it seemed and he didn't really look at her.

"I don't know, for now I'd be happy with just a hug…"

"Come here," Nate reached out for her and pulled her into his lap, wrapping her tight around him, even if they both had been complaining of how hot this night was.

Rianne was more than happy to let herself fall into his arms, put hers around his neck and be comforted by his familiar freshly laundered scent and warmth. Nate rested his chin on her shoulder while holding on tightly to her waist. He allowed his fingers to dig a little into her skin and let out a long breath he seemed to have been holding for a long time. Rianne let out a similar breath of relief as well.  
It was her Achilles heel. Whenever someone (a friend, a boyfriend, a member of the family) avoided physical contact with her it made her nervous and triggered a really irrational fear of loss she found difficult to deal with. Of course she had self-analyzed where that came from, but it didn't mean she could just drop it.

"So, you still mad at me?" Rianne mumbled near Nate's ear.

"I was never mad at you, just … I don't know… Overprotective, confused? Feeling left out lately."

"And Ayla?"

Before Nate had told her that he'd invited her too, she had almost caved in about inviting Jay, because she didn't like to be in a fight with Nate. But that information and defiant reaction of his had made her so furious, that she had stood her ground. Now she tried not to gloat about the fact, that she'd heard Nate and Ayla screaming at each other the morning she had stayed over after the celebrations. It was always the same with those two. But seemingly Nate didn't want to learn.

"Adam told me what she said to you at the party, I confronted her about it and that's the end of the story. I am really sorry…"

"But you knew before that exactly this was going to happen."

"Let's just don't talk about it… she's a bitch, we already knew that. I was stupid and … Just don't rub it in, okay?"

Nate looked at her pleadingly, he was still nervous, although her sitting on his lap and talking to him again meant she had forgiven him already.  
Even if he had been the one who had been in a sour mood first. Rianne decided against further having a discussion about Ayla then:

"I think I got written up for mouthing off in family court today!"

"Oh wow - that's a first, do tell…" and Nate took the bait.

Gladly she updated him on today's work-events, changing the line of conversation completely.  
And just like that their dynamic was back to normal, or so it seemed. Work related stuff was usually a safe topic between them.  
Nate didn't ask what was going on with Jay or anything else related to the start of this fight and Rianne let him. In the back of her mind she knew she was afraid of the answers she'd get if she kept pressing the matter and asked him what it was exactly that he'd gotten so upset about. She needed this to not be complicated. She needed Nate and her to work as usual. So she didn't tell him either that some ghost from their past had been approaching her. She would just deal with him on her own and leave him out of it.

* * *

"Adam, we have a problem!"

Jay had been working in the surveillance van for an undercover gig at a club in River North. The plan was to take down a ring of weapon and drug dealers tonight. Hailey was in the car with him, everybody else had infiltrated the club.  
Burgess and Rojas were acting as shot girls and Adam a security guard inside. Kevin had been playing bodyguard for the head of the crew for quite some time now to get them important information. They kept an eye out for several people involved in the matter. Intelligence suspected that they would meet up tonight to make a million-dollar deal with some Croatians. If they could make the bust it would mean that several killer weapons would come off the market and the people responsible finally would get what they deserved.  
Everything went as planned so far. Voight had SWAT on standby, ready to move in if needed. When watching the footage from Vanessa's and Kim's pinhole cameras Jay had spotted someone he'd been thinking quite a lot about these last weeks, and whose face kept popping up all over his usual city routes all of a sudden.  
It was not an easy one to get off his mind these days. He never had noticed before how much common ground in Chicago they already had. He'd seen her out running along the river bank when driving by on duty with Hailey, he'd caught a glimpse of her serving drinks at Molly's the other night, when he was picking up his brother because Will had had one too many to drink, and of course more than once he'd seen her van parked somewhere along the district. And now she was in this particular club? Why was this happening? Hailey had made the connection too and worried right away about having to decide between their plan going awry due to unforeseeable circumstances or endangering someone they all knew and worked with.

"Adam, I don't care how you do it, but we've seen that Rianne Torres is in the club. You have to get her out of there. Tell her to move into the parking lot and keep walking. I got it from there!"

Jay hoped Adam would find a way to make this happen without blowing his cover.

"Shit, shit, shit, try to call her and text her!" they heard Adam over the wire and Jay frantically searched for her contact in his phone and started calling.

When she didn't pick up he texted her:

_" **Get out of that club! Now! If you see Adam, act like you don't know him, please trust me on this!"**_

If Hailey wondered why Jay had Rianne's private contact information she didn't led on, but he knew he probably would have some explaining to do later.

"God, this is a nightmare. Why this club, why today?" Jay was pissed and worried, but how could she have known?

"Jay, please relax! Adam has got this!" Hailey tried to assure him, but nonetheless the atmosphere was tense.

It seemed like an enormous amount of time passed and he had to keep himself from pacing, which was impossible in this vehicle, before the line opened up again:

"I got eyes," Adam announced over his wire.  
Hailey and Jay were really quiet for the following minutes, keeping their eyes on the screen of the laptop in the van, still focused on the main task ahead, but nonetheless a bit distracted.

"Wait a minute Adam! Why is she talking to Lorenzo's doorman?" Vanessa suddenly said and changed positions inside the club so that Hailey and Jay could clearly see Rianne in a heated discussion with one of the people working for the crew's supposable head.  
Rojas was too far away for them to hear anything that was being said, but nonetheless Jay felt his stomach churn and confusion gripping a hold of him. What the hell? This did not really make sense. Why would she know this guy?  
Before he could gather his thoughts on what this meant and how to deal with it, everything went really fast. Kevin used the code word over the wire, meaning something was very wrong concerning the deal and things probably got heated. So Jay and Hailey had to react quickly and vest up.

While Hailey contacted Voight to hear what his orders where, Jay's adrenaline spiked up, especially when he heard Adam calling:

"Gun! Everybody get down on the ground!" before several gunshots were being fired inside the club and Hailey and Jay kicked into action mode.

* * *

As it turned out the Croatians hadn't liked the deal that was being offered to them and while just walking away from the table didn't seem like an option they got into an altercation with the other crew and finally tried to shoot their way out of the club.  
Several civilians got injured, crew members shot, Intelligence and SWAT moved in, trying to safe what could be saved. Luckily everyone on the force got away relatively unharmed and they were able to put cuffs on most of the guys, only a few were in the wind.

After luckily having been able to fully concentrate on the task ahead without letting his thoughts about Rianne run riot, Jay felt relief flood through every bone in his body, when he saw her standing in a corner of the club, talking to Ruzek.  
Adam was holding her head in his hands in an urgent way, obviously trying to talk her down. Having secured the area, Hailey and Jay approached them.  
She was okay, she was not hurt apart from a scratch on her cheek, where her body must have hit the floor or broken glass had cut her skin. There was some blood on her hands, but she kept telling Adam it was not hers, when they reached hearing distance. Some medics were seeing to a body lying next to Rianne and Adam. When Jay took a closer look he recognized it was the man she had been arguing with at the beginning of the night. It seemed he had gotten shot, but was still breathing.

Clearly Rianne had made an effort to look like she belonged in that fancy club.  
Her deep red dress was tasteful, but really short compared to her usual choices. It definitely showed off her curvy behind and made her cleavage impressive, even though he knew it normally was smaller. She had even painted her fingernails deep red (Jay noticed because in his universe most women almost never wore nail-polish, just Erin had from time to time…) and she had pinned up her hair in an unusual plain way. Due to the events some curls had escaped, making the hair-do look a little disheveled. Her eyes were expressive as always, set in scene with eyeliner, giving them their cat-like edge.  
Studying her like that Jay felt on edge too. The attraction hadn't gone away just because they had been lacking personal contact this week.

After the party he'd been trying to figure out for himself how deep he wanted to get into this.  
Like he'd discussed with Will once before: This wasn't just any woman he could just cut ties with when things got complicated or didn't work out as planned. Even though he didn't even know what the plan was. This was a woman with a lot of stories, emotional baggage and a past she was still dealing with, a past he didn't know everything about yet. But Jay felt that peaking behind the curtain had intrigued him rather than made him wanna turn away and run, he just didn't know how to proceed.  
Right now though his old mistrust set in and while she looked rather pleased to see him, Jay tried his best to keep his face emotion- and expressionless.  
He couldn't really deal with her as a private person right now. In this case she was a witness to a crime, if not an accomplice and he had to treat her accordingly:

"You need to come back to the station with us!" Jay ordered, not offering a 'hello' or any other kind of greeting to her.

"Why? I just told Adam…" she looked at him wide-eyed, confused.

"You have to give a statement at the district, no matter what you told Adam now!" His tone didn't leave room for arguing, or so he thought.

"Hello to you too by the way! Why are you so freaking bossy?" She scowled at him like she had so many times before.

The little piece of hurt that had flickered in her blue eyes was gone in a flash and replaced by anger. Jay knew she would react this way and this actually made it easier for him. He was well accustomed to fighting with her after all. Right now he couldn't let her make him go soft on her just because he knew what those lips could do to him.

"Hailey?" He asked his partner with a certain look to take care of the unwilling woman and of course Upton understood:

"Come on!"

Hailey put her hand on the small of Rianne's back, who looked at Adam questioningly. He touched her arm, reassuring her:

"Just go with them. It'll be fine. I'll talk to you later."

And so she reluctantly went with them and sat in the back of Jay's truck, her arms crossed and pouting like a little girl. He tried to avoid looking at her puzzled expression in the rear-view mirror and just drive, but failed miserably. This could not be the second time he let himself believe in someone's innocence and be fooled like this, could it? In his heart of hearts he did wanna believe that this was just a "wrong place, wrong time" incident, but he had to think like a detective here and not like the foolish man falling for her charms and turning a blind eye to what he had seen on tape. If she was in cahoots with one of the gangs doormen, what else hadn't she told him about herself?

* * *

Kim brought her a hoodie and some coffee after Rianne had been waiting alone for a while.  
For many reasons she couldn't stop shaking. She felt unbelievably cold, although it was still 68 degrees out. But sitting here on her own in the unwelcoming interrogation room at the 21st had given her time to let the gravity of tonight's events sink in. Everything she had witnessed on scene: the chaos, the shots being fired, Marco's bleeding body next to hers on the floor. Then Adam's strained and concerned face as he was crawling towards her, her confusion at seeing him, the sound of people screaming and running around. She'd had to write down what she had seen before and after the first shots were fired, but she knew there where probably more questions to come.

"Thought you might be more comfortable in this." Kim said, touching her shoulder, when she handed her over the piece of her clothing.

"Thank you. Where's Adam, is he all right?"

"Yeah, he's fine. He just had to ride to Med to see how the people who got hurt during the shooting are doing and to get statements as soon as possible. The guy you were talking to at the club is one of them."

There was one thing that kept torturing Rianne and she just had to ask after she had put on the hoodie and taken a sip of the coffee, which was awful, but at least still warm:

"Why's he so angry at me?" She didn't need to tell Kim who she was talking about, the other female just understood:

"You know, Jay has a hard time trusting people. And I think he just started to warm up to you and see you in a different light and now you sort of pop up in a context that makes him doubt you, I guess. His last sort of romantic involvement with someone — although he was being undercover at that time and it was probably a whole different story — turned out to be not exactly who he thought she was. That pretty much sucked for him and got him into big trouble work-wise…"

"But we're not romantically involved…"  
Rianne tried to say, but Kim just snorted at her:  
"Please… I've seen you two. Don't try to deny that there is something there."

"I didn't …"

Both women were startled when all of a sudden the door to the interrogation room flew open with a loud bang:

"What the fuck were you doing at this club?" Jay stormed into the room, bringing in an air of darkness and wasting no time on pleasantries.

Rianne wondered what had taken him so long to get in here with her, but then she had no idea how long she had been sitting here.  
His lips were pinched together, so that they almost seemed white, his jaw set in an angry position and his forehead furrowed when he eyed her suspiciously.  
Jeezus, good Lord! He wasn't just angry, he was completely pissed off with her and to her dismay it bothered Rianne to no end. Her heart was in her throat, making it hard to breath.

Yes, she had been avoiding any personal contact with him since the party and contemplating to get him out of her head but had not really been able to think clearly and make a decision. But seeing him tonight, being near him, had struck a flame within her again. Even though he seemed to feel different about her by now, which was still confusing as to why exactly. As far as she was concerned she hadn't done anything illegal and he sure had to give her the benefit of the doubt?  
Rianne knew she should tell him the truth nevertheless, the whole truth as soon as possible. It made no sense to deny who she had been meeting, as they must have her on video surveillance. She wasn't that naive. But seeing Jay acting like the cocky jerk he had been before with her, just made something inside her snap. She could give him a run for his money, if he didn't bestow the slightest bit of trust into her. Even though she wanted to feel those angry lips on her mouth again, she was pretty annoyed with him for yelling at her like old times. She'd thought they had established a different relationship by now.

"I was meeting some people from work there, wanting to check out a new location," she answered and tried to keep calm. This was even somehow close to the truth.

"Why go dancing without your usual crew?" Jay kept pressing, even if it didn't mean anything right now.

He knew that she usually went out mostly with Stella and Sylvie from 51, sometimes Kim joined them or they went out with all the associated menfolk as well. They had been talking about their weekend activities that night at Molly's.

"Nobody else was up to it and sometimes I just have to dance it out – I can't help it," she shrugged, already a bit nervous about this charade.

She found she had to force herself to meet Jay's eyes. He knew there was more to the story than she told him and he was fuming probably thinking she was in deep with this weapon-dealing business Adam had been talking about. What the hell made him think that? He couldn't be that mistrustful, could he? For her to hide something like this from him? For God's sake she was a city employee. She was a little curious to see how he would get her to admit "the truth". In his eyes she could read he was getting more and more upset with her:

"Stop jerking me around! There is more to your story and we both know it!"

He leaned forward over the table she was sitting at and slammed his hand down on it, so that her coffee cup slightly spilled over.  
Not into his intimidation tactics Rianne stood, as she wasn't that kind of a suspect who had to be handcuffed to the table, and created some physical distance between them, leaning against the opposite wall of the two-way-mirror.  
She crossed her arms and looked at him defiantly:

"I can't believe you are treating me like a criminal right now. I did not do anything illegal. But I guess this is what you have been waiting for all along, finding another fault with me?"

Jay was right in her face in two seconds, breathing down on her. With a daft and swift motion he had her pinned to his full body length, her back against the cold wall. It was scary and hot the way he looked at her inquiringly:

"Please, tell me I am wrong about this!" he growled.

So close up it was hard to focus on his pupils and not go cross-eyed. This was way too intense, but before she could do anything about it, Kim inserted herself into the questioning, scolding her colleague:

"Jay, that's enough. Back up!"

But he didn't even flinch at Kim's intervention, just kept glaring at Rianne and nodded encouragingly to answer him. For a minute their eyes fought a battle of their own, before she had to avert her gaze and give in:

"Fuck, I can't lie for shit to you."

"But you sure as hell can swear like a street punk." Jay was still agitated and tense, but he moved his hands from beside her head, giving her a little more space to breathe.

"Hell yes, I am sorry. Am I under arrest for that too?"

"No, but you still haven't answered my question!"

"Is this how you deal with all the people you interview in here?"

There was silence in the room before Kim spoke up and sighed:

"Why don't you just tell us what you know and we can all be done with this?"

So eventually Rianne did:

"Look, obviously you know more than I know, but this is my side of tonight's events. Kim you know Andrea was a really good guy, I think nobody would argue with that. Maybe Adam or Nate told you, he had his weaknesses like everybody else. One of them was not being able to spend money reasonably and he liked to gamble sometimes. So he was more broke than not and always trying to get his hands on some money to cover his debts. He let himself be talked into doing some - I think - shady business with some old friends from his neighborhood."

"Are these friends involved with the Chicago mob?" Jay immediately asked.

"You think just because he was Italian he had to be involved in some mobster business?"

"You tell me!"

"No! How cliché. As far as I know these guys were or are just some lowlifes looking for opportunities."

She told Kim and Jay how Marco, one of those old friends, had begun to sent her messages again lately, saying Andrea still had not paid up his debts. Obviously he was in some kind of trouble, trying to milk her for money and threatened to go to Andrea's family, who didn't know anything about their son being involved in such things. And Rianne had wanted to keep it that way. They had been through enough grievances in the past.

"I thought about asking Adam for help, but he has been through so much trouble lately. I didn't wanna bother him with this." She alleged to Adam's latest run-in with a patrolman and the consequences of this and everything else that had been going on earlier that year with the Antonio case.

"So, what were you doing in the club then tonight? Were you going to pay up?"

Jay had edged away a bit more. Nonetheless his presence in the room was overwhelming.

"No, of course not. He was expecting me to, but I was telling him that I wouldn't pay him a penny and to leave me the fuck alone or else I would call the cops on him. Next thing I know he's lying on the floor with a bullet hole in his stomach and everybody's screaming and running around."

Saying that out loud caused her skin to crawl all over again. Even if she liked to appear brave and collected on the outside, she couldn't help but wonder:

"Can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on with these guys and why I am being treated like some criminal?"

Rianne was angry with herself that her voice sounded so timid and afraid of what the answer to her questions might be. For a split second she could see compassion and warmth flaring up in Jay's eyes and almost thought he would reach out to touch her face and reassure her, that everything was gonna be fine. Instead he went back to face the two-way mirror of the room, turning his back to her. His shoulders were tense and he ran a hand along the back of his neck. The silence was getting on Rianne's last nerve, but thankfully Kim began explaining in a more soothing tone:

"The guy you were meeting, Marco, is involved with a crew of weapon and drug dealers. We have been after them for some time now. Tonight they have been trying to cut a big deal with another crew. It seems that it went wrong or someone didn't like what they were offering and got offended, so they shot their way out of the club. Some of them are in police custody now, others are in the wind. We are still trying to piece together the whole picture. But if you say that Andrea was hanging around with Marco and maybe some other guys, there is a possibility that he was more than looking for opportunities as you put it. It could very well be that he was more involved with the weapon ring than we know. We'll have to research how long this has been going on."

Rianne let out a shaky breath and felt her eyes well up with tears. The shaking started to get worse and she all but could keep herself standing upright in the face of such news:

"But I didn't know all that and no way Andrea knew about this! I can show you the messages I exchanged with Marco. Hell I even recorded our exchange in the club on my phone."

"So why didn't you say that right away?" Jay yelled at her exasperated, but then the door to the room flew open another time:

„Jay — out! Now!" Voight was standing in the doorframe, motioning for Jay to leave and his expression left no room for arguing around.

Jay charged out of the room, slamming the door and leaving her staring nonplussed at Kim and Voight. She waited for the tears that were choking her up in the face of these shocking revelations to fall, but they weren't coming. Voight made her tell her the pincode for her phone that he already had in his possession to fact-check her story.

* * *

Outside the interrogation room Kevin and Hailey had been watching and listening in to the whole exchange inside.

"Am I the only one who needs a cigarette after watching this?"

Atwater joked, Hailey huffed a little and went to meet Jay in the bullpen.  
She didn't know what to make of this, but she feared another ride down Camila memory lane was happening. Before she could get to Jay and talk to him her phone buzzed in her back pocket. When she went to pick it up, Adam was on the other end of the line:

"Hey Ruz, any news?"

"Yeah, I talked to that Marco guy: He seems to be some kind of handyman, like Kevin said. No major player, actually he just told me he was looking for a way out so he thought he'd try to press Rianne for some money to get on his feet, as he knew she was good for it. Apparently he knew from Andrea, that her parents are quite rich."

"Did he tell you anything about Andrea diVarese being involved into the business in the past?"

"Nope, but I will get him to talk to me about that. I just had a little bit of time with him before he was rushed into surgery again. He says Rianne had no idea what else was going on, so I am sure her story checks out. Could I talk to her?"

"Yeah, just let me check in with Voight and then I'll put you on speaker in the interrogation room."

"You put her into the interrogation room? What the hell Hailey? Has Jay lost his mind?"

Hailey couldn't answer him this exact question. She just knew that her partner was being emotionally invested in this case.  
Adam then told them again what he had found out at the hospital and that he would keep on researching and interviewing people. Voight gave him the go-ahead and stated that his report just confirmed what they had found in the contents of Rianne's phone. In a caring tone Adam then addressed Rianne directly:

"I am sorry, kiddo - this must be terrible news for you. But I promise you, we'll get to the bottom of this, I will make sure of that. Just hang in there hon."

Rianne seemed to be choked up, because she mostly just nodded at all that was being said and murmured a "thanks" into Hailey's phone, before Adam ended the call.  
Hailey had left the room after Voight handed back the phone to her. She felt sorry for Rianne, sitting inside of there with already two police officers, obviously having done nothing wrong and still being drilled about it. Behind the mirror she found Jay, listening in to the conversation going on inside the room, looking upset and conflicted. He was rubbing the back of his neck a lot, the muscles in his jaw tense.

"What's going on with you?" She touched his shoulder and like she'd expected he flinched:

"I - I don't know. I can't really talk to you about that."

Hailey rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. Even after all this time Jay still sometimes was a piece of work. He knew she would get him to spit it out eventually, she didn't really understand why he had to put up a fight first:

"Jay, even if we're not really partnered up right now, I am still your partner. So you have to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you that you go off on her like that! Even for you: You were kind of intense in there, it felt personal."

"It is personal!" He yelled at her with a look in his eyes that scared her a little.

When he registered the emotion in her eyes she saw that he was shocked too and his posture changed:

"I am sorry Hails, I think I," he shook his head as if searching for the right words.

"I think I am spiraling. I really fucked up…" Running his hands through his short hair he slumped against the wall.

What she wouldn't forgive him if he looked defeated like this…

"Look Jay, we haven't been hanging out this much for the last couple of weeks, but I can tell that obviously things have changed between you and Rianne since the last time we had a talk about her. So, whatever is going on between the two of you: I need you to figure that out and put things into perspective. For your own sake! And if you're not ready to start anything up again, be it a new friendship, an affair, a relationship, then don't. Just please try to separate your personal feelings from your professional point of view and your actions as a police officer."

"I know that!"

He was silent for a while, his gaze switching between Hailey, the floor and Rianne, who was still in with Kim and Voight, talking. Her face was pale, shadows forming under her eyes that weren't just from smudged make-up. For once she looked fragile but was still sitting upright.

"Do you ever get the feeling that your personal compass is off? I am so used to trusting it, trusting my gut feeling, but lately it seems it's pointing in a lot of different directions and I can't choose which way to go - what I want…"

"I know that feeling. It's hard to find balance every now and then but I think you have to try and leave the past where it belongs and don't let it dictate what path you choose in the present."

Even if Jay didn't say it out loud, she knew that past experiences were throwing him off his game, influencing his judgement, making him more careful than ever. Which was not entirely a bad thing, but not always fair to the people who had nothing to do with it.

"So, you think it's fixable?"

"Adam't pretty pissed at you, that's for sure. But you know how he is - he'll come around eventually, maybe with the help of one or two pilsners at Molly's…"

"And her?"

"This is not Camila Vega all over again, Jay! And it's your real life… and I guess even though you acted like a complete ass today: she has a soft spot for you… God knows a lot of us have, so act on it or cut your losses!"


	9. Wasted On Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Wasted On Each Other" by James Bay

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"I am taking her home!" Jay announced to Voight when they were done with all the paperwork and released Rianne.

His eyes conveyed a secret message to his sergeant that he would thereby try and make amends for his behavior before. Even if he didn't really know how. Voight just nodded his okay, but when he looked at Rianne he knew this wouldn't be easy. She was, mildly put, furious with him.

"Oh no, thank you! I can call an uber and go by myself." She tried to keep her head high despite everything when she left the interrogation room and went for the exit of the bullpen.

Jay found he admired that, but was again triggered by her attitude. Why did everything have to be a discussion with her?

"Don't be ridiculous. I am taking you home!" He had already grabbed her arm and yanked her in the direction of the stairs with him.

What was it about her that he got so physical every time? But he didn't want her to storm out of here and never give him the chance to talk to her again. Did he have to force her to listen to come with him though? When he didn't let go of her on their way downstairs she finally pulled her arm away with force, glaring daggers at him:

"I was told I am not a suspect anymore, so stop treating me like one and don't act like a spiteful cave man, it doesn't suit you!" She distanced herself from him and made for the exit of the building on he own.

Obviously Jay wanted to say something in return, but was aware that everybody left in the 21st, was watching with glee, always liking a scandalous confrontation. He caught a curious and at the same time scolding look from Trudy Platt at the front-desk and decided against retaliating. With an eye-roll and his brows raised high he followed Rianne out of the building and into the parking lot. When Jay unlocked his truck she got in on the passenger side without looking at him once. So the hate-front was not impenetrable he noted. She could have just run off once she'd gotten away from him, but had silently chosen to get in his vehicle anyway.

Her phone went off as they sat inside the car and she took the call at the second ring: "Hi Nate!"

She held the phone away from her ear a bit, because Nate obviously talked a little too loud for her liking. Jay could hear her roommate yelling in an agitated tone. Either they had a telepathic connection or Adam had called on the cavalry.

"Yeah, I'm okay and I will be fine!" Rianne tried to sound more upbeat and collected than she was, Jay noticed.

"No - it's okay. You don't have to come back - I can take care of myself. Just have a good time in New York and we'll talk when you get back, now is not a good time! Thanks for calling anyway. Yeah… bye!" She hung up, letting her hands sink into her lap, looking straight out of the windshield.

Jay wasn't sure why he hadn't started the car yet, but his gut told him to wait. Rianne didn't seem to be there with him, at least not mentally. She let out a troubled breath and he noticed her hands, still clinging to her phone, were trembling enormously when he looked over at her. Caught up in her own head as she might have been, she still tried to keep her act together and called him out on his lingering stare:

"Like I said, I am fine, you don't have to look at me like I am gonna smash your car or start kicking and screaming any minute now…"

Jay instantly felt the urge to yell at her again and somehow ended up doing exactly that, turning around in his seat to face her:

"You're not bloody fine! Stop pretending already!"

A sob escaped her mouth and her hands quickly flew to her mouth, suppressing the notion. Something inside Jay said he should be pressing further to get an honest reaction, make him believe she was made of flesh and bones and not all so strong and calm. It was a slightly sadistic thought, but he wanted to push her to admit what she was really feeling. After all he knew everything about people telling themselves they were fine, when in reality they weren't and what it did to them in the aftermath. Himself included.

"You just witnessed a shooting, there was actually someone shot right beside you, you had his blood on your hands. You knew that guy, he wasn't a complete stranger. Then some dumb ass detective accused you of being in cahoots with the bad guys and you learned that your late husband might have been involved in a major crime operation in the past without telling you about it. I would be freaking devastated and rattled if I were you!"

Her breathing had gotten heavier while he rambled on until she couldn't take it anymore and also turned around in her seat to scream at him:

"Stop talking! You've done enough! You had no right to treat me like you did tonight! So don't you tell me what I am feeling!" The look in her eyes was filled with fury and despair, tears threatening to fall any minute. Still she gulped them down as best as she could.

Jay took her by her upper arms, his gaze urgent, grip firm, almost shaking her as if to wake her from her stupor:

"I know, and I am sorry!"

"No, you're not! Don't pretend to care and don't fucking touch me. I am not some rag-doll you can push around like you want to!" She tried to pull away.

He almost thought she would try to get out of the car, so he held on to her while she struggled against him to get him to let go. He felt that if he backed down now, he would never get a chance to come close to her again. So Jay didn't, he even took her face in his hands, making her look at him, holding on tight, while his heart was racing:

"I am telling you - I am! I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. And I am sorry that you had to go through this. So I am going to drive you home and make sure you're okay."

It was a matter of seconds their eyes fighting their own battle again. Jay suddenly saw the anger and defiance in hers melt into sadness, defeat, grief and heartbreaking sorrow and a single tear escaped the corner of her left eye. It was just the first of many more to come:

"This is all such a mess!" She splurged and began trembling all over even more, while her hands fell from his chest and were instantly buried into her hair, looking more unruly by now than before.

He decided to say nothing, just keep his eyes locked on her face while the tears started falling faster. This was the honest emotion he had been waiting for.

"How could he have been lying to me all the time? How could I not have known? What if our whole life together was a fucking lie?"

Again Jay decided on not answering, just pulled her closer to him. Thankfully she let it happen this time. He felt her sobbing getting harder with her head resting against his chest, her body relaxed into his as she put her arms around his neck, finally letting him comfort her. It caused his skin to crawl.  
Jay knew all about questioning everything and feeling lost in the process. When something shifted and the world spun out of its usual axes.

She didn't give herself much time to fall apart though, before her head surfaced from its resting place, her eyes smudged with mascara and red dots around them from crying. Still cradling his neck in her hands she looked at him pleadingly:

"Jay, please — you have to believe me! I didn't know what Marco was into and I never asked Andrea much about his "deals". I honestly just thought the worst thing he did was deal a bit of weed here and there and…"

"I do believe you."

He really did. Even if there were still some questions yet to be answered. But her turmoil felt real to him, in his experience nobody had ever been that good at pretending and making his heart ache in sympathy.

* * *

They didn't talk on the ride to her place. As Jay already knew where she lived, she didn't even have to tell him where to go.  
He insisted on walking her up to her apartment, especially since he now knew no one was home, because Nate was in New York over the weekend.

There was an awkward silence when they reached her door and she unlocked it, ready to enter but they kept lingering at the doorstep. Neither one of them sure how to say goodbye or if they even wanted to.

If Rianne was honest with herself she was more than a bit shaken by the events. She would have never admitted this but she was a little afraid of going inside alone. She would turn the lights on everywhere, see for herself that no one was there and that everything was fine. Even if she had nothing to worry about now, she had gotten out safely, nobody important was hurt. But the feeling of being out of her depths and that evil, cruel and gruesome people were never far away, stayed with her. Sometimes she tended to forget that she lived in Chicago and not in "Little House on the Prairie". And when she came to think of it: the proximity of crime had come closer the more she'd interacted with Jay. It became more real to her. Some things weren't just stories, it was reality. He had to deal with this everyday, it was what paid for his living. Somehow it amazed her how he could do it. After tonight she wondered though if crime had been living with her for years, but she hadn't been aware of it… She still couldn't really wrap her head around the possibility of Andrea having been a criminal or somehow interacting with real gangsters.

"Are you sure you're okay on your own then?" Jay asked finally and when she nodded and shrugged her shoulders at the same time he shortly looked down at his shoes, before obviously deciding it was time to go for him.

Everything inside her screamed that she didn't want him to leave, that she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. She knew herself too well. As soon as silence got a hold of her, the wheels in her head would keep on spinning. And she didn't want to be forced to numb these thoughts by taking some of her old medicine…

Jay firmly touched her upper-arm and what was supposed to be a harmless gesture to say goodbye, if nonetheless a show of affection, maybe even an apology for earlier, quickly turned into something else completely when he let his fingers slide down her arm. He was almost not touching her at all and yet making every soft hair stand up immediately. Jay only had time to register that Rianne let out a shaky breath before she grabbed him by the neck and kissed him. It didn't take long for him to kiss her back full force.

"I guess I'm not really okay on my own..." she mumbled close to his lips, when she pulled away a bit.

"No, I guess you're not," he breathed, dead serious suddenly, tangling his fingers up into her hair and kissing her again.

Holding on to each other, touching, kissing, feeling each other up, they stumbled through the front door into the hallway of the loft. Rianne turned on lights with several parts of her body as they went all the way backwards mostly, straight through into her bedroom. They almost knocked over some plants and tables, bumped into a few corners, but it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was getting to touch every inch of the others body. Jay expertly getting her out of her short dress and underwear, made her feel so wanted that it wasn't funny. His lips never left hers for long, and when she finally got to rid him of his jeans and squeezed his firm butt only through the thin fabric of his boxers, he groaned into her mouth. Close up she could feel what an effect she had on him and it made her shiver. This was serious and nothing was stopping her this time from going through with it. They had been blowing through all of the stop signs in her head.

When Jay stood in front of her, finally gloriously naked and tremendously ripped, she couldn't believe her eyes. She didn't know what to do with all the primal instincts roaring up inside. He watched her with that certain fire in his eyes that struck a nerve within her every single time. Rianne had to remind herself to keep breathing. A few seconds he just stood there, two feet away, taking in her naked body from head to toe. Jay then reached out and brushed his thumb across her lower lip, his fingers continuing his journey over her collarbone and down to her left breast.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," he breathed, the electricity in his hoarse voice making Rianne subconsciously press her legs together, she was so turned on.

This didn't go unnoticed. Jay grabbed her and pulled her rapidly towards him. He kissed her feverishly, savoring her supple lips and tongue, before he walked them backwards again until she bumped into her bed. Jay easily lifted her up and laid her down on the duvet. Then he just kneeled over her, not moving.

He kept staring at her face, her body, her oceanic tattoo that wound around her left ribcage and ended just below her hip-bone. Rianne felt her skin prickle and ache for his touch, his intense gaze really exciting her. But she was also afraid it would eventually lead to some moment of clarity for him and that he would back out of this.  
She normally was not self-conscious about her body, but under his perusal she feared he would find something he didn't like. In contrast to Jay's extremely toned body hers was not comparable. Not in the slightest could she keep up with his fitness-level.  
Rianne had slender and trained parts, but she also liked to eat and was a woman, so she was softer around the edges, her behind a well formed round shape. All the while her breasts were rather small and not that impressive, if firm. What was she doing thinking about that now?  
Because she always thought that offense was the best defense she grabbed Jay's forearms and made him look into her eyes:

"What the fuck are you doing Halstead?"

"I'm trying to pace myself here, otherwise I'm afraid this will be over in seconds…" he had to admit, a boyish grin playing around his mouth.

Obviously he tried to keep his breathing and some other parts of him in check instead of ravishing her on the spot.

"So, we'll have a second round!" And with that Rianne took charge before one of them could change their minds, grabbed his shoulders and pulled herself up.

She climbed his lap, feeling spurred on by the surprise she registered in Jay's eyes, grabbed hold of his neck for stability with one hand, with the other she felt her way down his hard muscular chest, around his side and back to the front, until she stopped at his raging erection and gently but firmly stroked along the length of him. Jay let out a deep shaky breath through his nose and Rianne could feel the vibration of his groan with her fingers pressed to his neck. At first she continued her soft touching, loving how he got even harder under her caress, but her impatience finally got the better of her. She had to feel him inside her now, this minute, or else she would go crazy. Rianne pushed herself up on him a bit more, and guided him, all the time keeping her eyes on Jay's face, looking for some kind of sign to tell her to stop. He just watched her hungrily through dilated pupils. So she took him inside of her, hesitated for like two seconds, adjusting to his size and then sank all the way down, biting her lip to stop from having to moan out too loud. It felt like her body was yearning to feel more and was craving a fix that it hadn't gotten for a very long time.

All the muscles in Jay's body flexed with the new connection and he too looked like it was a bitter-sweet sensation to feel her on this whole new level. After having recovered from the first shock, he looked at her playfully, pushing the hair away from her face and softly chuckled:

"Whatever happened to foreplay?"

"Screw foreplay! I think I was ready to go the minute you freaking kissed me two weeks ago."

"You really are killing me with that dirty mouth of yours."

"Shut up Jay!"

To make sure he really did, she sealed his lips with hers and began to slowly move on top of him. Jay got the message and held on to her tight, letting his hands roam sensually all over her body, leaving a trace of burning skin in their wake. There was no awkward fumbling, their bodies were in-sync the moment she started to ride him mercilessly.

Afterwards they just lay there on their backs, all limbs stretched out over the big futon bed, trying to calm down their breathing, which still sounded very loud in the quiet of the night. At first Rianne found her mind was totally blank, all kissed and caressed out. Nothing to add.  
When Jay covered her hand with his she felt an awkward feeling creeping in. It quickly became a wave of mixed up emotions she was well accustomed to and knew to what it would lead if she didn't get a handle on it. She had to get in front of the wave before it washed over and drowned her. So Rianne excused herself to her bathroom with one last kiss to his so gorgeously freckled and hairless chest, barely making it with her head held high. She was shaking all over, trying to concentrate on her breathing. She could not fathom all the feelings swimming through her body, and she kind of didn't want to. But trying to just let them go and flow right out of her did not work.

There were several voices battling inside of her. Sex: Yes! Intimacy: No! She was not ready.  
Had she done this to spite Andrea because he might have been lying to her all those years ago? Would she have done it if tonight had turned out differently or hadn't happened? What would happen now? Wasn't this going to be incredibly awkward? It was all too much.

She felt sick to her stomach. Like she had been on a diet for a long time and now suddenly had eaten everything on the menu at once. It had been super satisfying, but also too much to taste and really savor it in that relatively short amount of time. And that guilt kept screaming at her: how could she have done this? She didn't deserve to feel this good with another man.

* * *

Jay lay there for like a minute after she had left for her bathroom.  
He was staring at the steel beams high up in the air of the room. For once his mind was blank, exhausted from their exertions, the comfort of the kingsize mattress inviting him to just fall asleep right then and there. But despite being sated and sleepy he finally decided to put his clothes back on.  
The hardwood floor squeaked under his naked feet when he jumped back into his jeans. His gaze fell onto the swing that was dangling from the ceiling in Rianne's room near the balcony doors and he shook his head in disbelieve. Some things about her were just bizarre. Whoever needed a swing-set in their bedroom?

The surer he had been that this felt absolutely right and had been bound to happen, the more insecure he was now about where to go from here. He was still a bit blown away by the force of this. They had clung to each other like two shipwrecked, kissing each other as if they were their respective source of oxygen. It was clear now that their bodies were certainly on the same page, concerning their minds he was not so sure.

When he was fully dressed and Rianne still in the bathroom, Jay took the chance to take a closer look at the pictures in her room. Pictures full of color and life even though some of them portrayed the dead. Andrea di Varese looked different in these photos than in the ones Jay had found in the police database. But who looked like his driver's license picture anyway? All of that man's social media had been wiped out so he had nothing more to go on.

Andrea didn't look like the stereotype Italian guy. He had worn his dark-blonde, somewhat messy hair up in a man bun; it seemed to have been quite long but shaven in the neck area. A well-trimmed full beard and a full sleeve of colorful tattoos, along with several ear piercings gave him the look of a wild man. Still he didn't look like a cold-blooded criminal to Jay, but one could never be sure. Optics wasn't everything. He had been pretty tall and judging from these pictures working out on a regular basis. His arm muscles were showing without him even trying in every picture. Andrea's green-brown eyes were kind and full of mischief in some photos, more than once one could clearly detect how much love and devotion he had been harboring for his girlfriend and woman in the pictures next to Andrea looked a lot like her: Lively, beautiful, carefree, in love.  
It seemed as if she had been through several clothing styles and different hairdo's before settling on the current look. There also were some pictures in which Andrea and Rianne were smoking pretty photogenically. Jay hadn't noticed smoking to be a habit of hers in the present.

Rianne still was very beautiful in his eyes, if in a different way today. There was a certain darkness around her, a pain he'd seen every now and then in the last two weeks, even an inner wisdom and strength, those pictures didn't display.

Jay was not sure why Rianne kept all of these pictures out in the open like that, reminding her every day of what she had lost, how happy she seemingly once had been. He thought it was kind of cruel. He didn't keep pictures of Erin around anymore; he'd put them in a box in the back of his closet. And she was not even dead. Then again they had parted without a goodbye and a proper ending for their relationship, maybe it was not a good comparison to Rianne's and Andrea's story that he still did not know much about.

She had been gone for some time now. Just when he started to get worried, the bathroom-door opened and she came out, dressed in a grey terrycloth robe and looked at him curiously.

"Voight wants us back at the district in a few hours and I wasn't sure if..." he couldn't finish the sentence, because she obviously had guessed what he was trying to explain and stopped him:

"Oh, it's fine by me. We scratched an itch, so why embarrass ourselves with the morning-after antics?" She smiled at him, but he could tell it wasn't real, because it didn't reach her eyes.

"Thanks for driving me home and making sure I am safe," she added.

Again he didn't really know if she was being sarcastic or serious. Sometimes he found with her it was a little bit of both.

'She hasn't done this in a while...' The realization echoed through his head.  
It dawned on him that she maybe hadn't done this since being with Andrea. Which would of course be difficult to process, but he didn't dare to engage in the topic right now. It wasn't his business anyway, was it? So after a kind of awkward hug that didn't really reflect the powerful melting of their bodies that had just taken place, he left. He hadn't been sure if she wanted him to stay was what he would have liked to say before. But her reaction had answered his unfinished question, hadn't it?

When Jay drove off into the darkness of the night, getting back to his place to catch at least some quick winks of sleep, he tried to sort out his feelings.  
Obviously his last sexual encounter had been a while ago. The last one had been a silly one-night thing with some girl at Molly's. He couldn't even remember her name and he hadn't called or seen her again after that, which was fine with him. Maybe she'd just been visiting, a tourist even.

Sometimes he asked himself if one could work with Intelligence and have a functioning relationship at all. All of his colleagues weren't really leading examples on having a well-balanced love-life. With Erin he had spent more time together at work than at home and at the same time maybe this had been a reason why it had lasted relatively long.

Before that one-night stand last year there had been Camila Vega. His chapter with her was now a vague, somewhat hazy chapter of his life and in his memory he'd mostly been a bit drunk or in some other kind of funk when he was with her. He had not really been himself back then, acting out a role leading down a dark path.

It was surely Hailey's doing that he had actively dealt with some stuff since then. Hailey - his force of a partner who had been constantly up his back, making him go to therapy, forcing him to open up to her and generally always looking out for him. Sometimes he wasn't so sure if he deserved her.

And now being with Rianne?  
Jay felt like something had reignited inside of him. He'd thought he'd lost it when Erin left. For the last couple of months he'd been thinking it was okay to have just a deep connection with someone, an understanding, nothing physical, like with Hailey.

Tonight Jay knew though what he'd been missing: He'd been missing to feel this alive and not be in his head all the time, functioning like a well-oiled machine day in and out.


	10. Power Over Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Power Over Me" by Dermot Kennedy

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Calling up Stella was always a good idea, especially in an emotional crisis.  
Rianne and her had just gotten through the highlights of Friday night, talking on the phone, when instead of hashing things out further this way Stella invited her friend to come over to 51 and spend part of her Sunday there. They had done that many times before. Sometimes it was slow during a 24 hour shift so that it was possible to spend a coffee break together. Rianne knew Stella couldn't get enough of gossip and drama anyway and loved the distraction at work when she hadn't a ton to do. Of course now she really hoped on some kind of kiss tell on her end and was dying to hear further details about Rianne's time with Jay. And Rianne needed someone to talk to about the latest discoveries about Andrea's supposed secret life.

After having lunch with everybody on shift, thankfully deliciously prepared by 51's newest addition to the team, Blake Gallo, they went up to Kelly's lieutenant quarters. Up there they could be mostly undisturbed of any nosy people in the firehouse. After the whole idea of a women's lounge at 51 had turned into a complete disaster, this was really one of the few places where one wasn't surrounded by men all the time.

"I think I've lost my mind!"mRianne confessed as soon as Stella had closed the door, thrown herself down on Kelly's bed and offered her a piece of her private chocolate stash.

"Why the hell would you think that?" Stella patted the place next to her on the bed and Rianne followed suit by letting herself slump down.

"I was fine having no sex! I didn't need to go home with some stranger and 'do it' or something like that, but now it's all I can think about. Seems like having it just once makes you want to have more and more of it."

"I'm not surprised babe, you were living like a nun for over two years now. I personally think there is only so long one can go without. But to want more it had to be good, so? Did Jay stay the night?"

Chewing more chocolate Stella put her arms around Rianne and hugged her to her. This was nice, like a sleepover party where one could fess up to all of the little secrets only their diaries, if they still had any, would know about.

"No! When I came back from the bathroom, after I kind of had a panic attack I had to keep to myself, he'd gotten back into his clothes and said he had to be back at the district early in the morning. I sort of did want him to leave because I felt conflicted and confused about this whole night, and I needed to be alone, but I was also disappointed I guess. It was just awkward. And then I said something mean I think and now I don't know what to do, and I hate feeling this insecure. This just ain't me! "

"What did you say?"

Stella pulled a grimace and sucked in the air through her teeth like she had been hurt when Rianne told her:

"Ouch, that's harsh! What would you **like** to do now?"

"I want him back in my bed again pronto. I really hate how that sounds, but it's the truth. I probably should be thinking about other things now," Rianne hid her face on Stella's shoulder, groaning and rehashing some of the highlights of last night in her mind.

How Jay's hands had felt so electrifying on her naked skin, how he had made her feel so wanted and good about herself. She couldn't remember when she'd last felt that tremendously lost in the moment.

"Was it **that** good?" Stella pulled her closer and Rianne could feel her friends excitement and the big smile she was probably wearing on her face.

"Stella – I am not okay with this and I'm not sure how I **can** even feel that way, because it seems like I am being unfaithful to Andrea - although on the other hand maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about that because it seems Andrea was hiding even bigger secrets from me… "  
Rianne felt like her head hadn't stopped spinning since Friday night, one way or the other:

"It was mindblowingly good for a first time with someone I barely know. It was that big a rush that we didn't even think, talk, whatever about protection **at all** …"

It was a minor bother in the back of her mind. Rianne knew that she had covered protection on her side because she was on the pill. Although not caring about other ways it was possible to catch a STD was pretty teenage-like in her opinion. Funnily enough she'd noticed that a lot of things with Jay made her feel like 15 all over again. In all the good and bad ways. She didn't like the angst, but the newness and excitement it brought into her life were kind of exhilarating.

Stella shrugged and squealed with joy beside her:

"So, what's holding you back? Just call him and see if he wants to meet up! Or rather: get naked again and maybe talk about protection the second time around…"

"What are you girls talking about?" Kelly suddenly walked into the room where Stella and Rianne had thought to be on their own for now.

As these were his quarters it wasn't so rude and unusual.

"Who needs to be protected?"

Instead of asking him to give them a minute or two to themselves Stella blurted out:

"Her and Jay finally did the deed!"

"Why are you always doing this?" Rianne shot up from the bed and out of Stella's embrace.

"Because I refuse to pick you up with velvet gloves. Yes, you went through a tragedy, yes I know how much you still love Andrea, but baby there is a chance you should not miss out on. So you just go by the station, see if he's around and talk to him!"

"Yeah, I hear you. But why did you have to tell Kelly? No offense bud!" she patted Severide on the arm, apologizing.

"None taken!" he assured her, an amused smile playing around his full lips.

There was nothing more entertaining than watching these girls gossip and strategize about their every-day-dramas, he told them all the time. As a man he of course wasn't so much into the "hashing everything and every possible possibility out with your bestie before acting and deciding" - shenanigans. But he loved to witness their girlie excitement about it.

"Because I tell him everything anyway. At least now you know he knows. And I think there's nothing to be ashamed of. He's not judging, are you babe?" Of course Kelly wasn't.

"By the way: Do **you** think Andrea could have been involved in some serious weapon dealing business on the side?"

"Great Stella, why don't you just interview the whole firehouse on that matter, too?" Rianne rolled her eyes, but felt like her friend's approach on the whole thing was probably a healthy one.

Just put everything out in the open, no shame to it.

Of course it didn't take long for her to rope in Matt as well, who was mostly concerned for Rianne's safety. In the end it was good to talk everything out with them and be sure of their support and take their outlook on things into consideration. No way they could imagine Andrea being involved in anything more than a few stolen bucks and agreed he'd had a definite gambling problem paired off with the occasional use of recreational drugs. But major weapon deals? Mobster business? That was not the man they had known.

* * *

Kind of feeling pressured to get her act together Rianne went to visit the police station of the 21st district first thing Monday morning to talk to Trudy Platt about the farming project for at risk youth they both had been working on for the last months.

They had been building gardens in an area where there once had been a factory producing farming equipment. The two of them discussed some of the progress and if maybe it was necessary to raise more funding for buying crops and more equipment and how they would be able to really get it going now and make it known to the teens and kids they were looking to win for the project. Trudy Platt might have been a tough nut on the outside, but if you had an in with her she was truly the best and fiercest fighter for a good cause anyone could imagine. Of course Rianne could have managed to update the schedule for volunteers for the following weeks over the phone just as well. It was kind of an excuse to see if she would run into Jay. Not the direct approach Stella had suggested, but it was still a big step for Rianne. And if she happened to see Adam she could ask him if there had been any new developments on the/her/Andrea's case.

The whole time she and Trudy were talking at the front desk she had her inner focus on the stairs and on the front entrance, not really knowing if the unit was inside investigating or out on the streets. She hated to feel this nervous and unstable, unsure of what would happen. How he would react if she really met him here, how she would truly feel about it.

Rianne almost had everything cleared with Platt after 30 minutes and was disappointed that she would have to leave here without seeing him, when the upstairs gate flew open and then closed. Jay came running down the stairs in his usual soldier straight and a little o-legged walk, a serious look on his face. That was until he saw her watching him: .

"What a coincidence…" he acknowledged her and joined them at the front-desk.

If only he knew…  
Unlike Rianne's people-reading skills were totally off-balance she noticed an air of nervousness about him too, maybe even uncertainty. His eyes kept moving around pretty much, his forehead in a typical frown. Jay didn't even crack a little smile at her.

"Yeah, I was just clearing some details with Trudy for the 'at-risk-youth' program we're both working on," Rianne just hoped she wasn't blushing and made a whole ado of gathering her pens and papers back into her backpack, pretending to be very busy.

"And if you Detective Chuckles would take her out for coffee to apologize for unrightfully treating her like a criminal Friday night, she would not say no, am I right?"

Trudy sometimes was a sneaky bugger. Nothing escaped her razor sharp mind.  
Rianne glared daggers at her, but this was nothing new for the older woman. She just winked at her and turned back to her computer, suddenly very occupied filing reports.

"Yeah, sure – I have a little break time," she heard Jay say to her surprise, more to his shoes that directed at her.

Before Rianne could protest that it was really Trudy's idea and not hers, he put one hand in the small of her back and steered her out of the building. She was shivering inwardly at the contact, didn't even dare look directly at him because her cheeks were getting kind of hot.  
Jay made a quick call to Hailey, who was probably upstairs, telling her he would be stepping out for a bit.  
Without saying anything they walked side by side then. Jay seemed to have a plan where he wanted to go, so Rianne just followed suit across the street and into the park that was situated on the other side of it. It was weird because she'd been naked with him just a little over 48 hours ago and now his attitude and the walls he'd put up stopped her from touching him the tiniest bit while they walked the park together. His hand had fallen away from her back by now, so they were just disconnected.  
After five minutes of silence she found her voice again. As it seemed silly to beat around the bushes and to gain a little control over the situation she addressed the matter straight up:

"This is awkward..."

"Yeah,... why is that?" Jay raised an eyebrow at her, looking at her shortly and still guarded while continuing to walk on.

"I don't know, it's less a: 'OMG, I've seen you naked' — awkward, it's more of a 'I'm not sure what we are doing?' — awkward? On my end anyway. And you're distant, even though you were the one who wanted to grab coffee and apparently go for a walk in the park."

"Actually it was Platt's idea, but as you seem to hate the coffee at the district I thought we could walk to that little coffee cart here in Dunbar Park and get away from prying eyes and ears."

"How d'you know I don't like the coffee at the district?"

Jay snorted and cracked a smile for the first time today: "You should see your face when you accidentally drink it and you tend to bring your own cup whenever you can. And nobody really likes the coffee at the district. So you feel I am distant?"

Rianne quickly recovered from the revelation that Jay seemed to have been studying her coffee-preferences:

"Yes! I'm afraid to even **accidentally** touch your hand or anything else, because it seems like you would prefer I don't come near you."

"Maybe because you kicked me out the other night…" he said.

"What?"

"Yeah, maybe I got the feeling this was a one time thing and now we'd go back to hating each other again."

She couldn't really tell if he was just playing with her or if he indeed was a bit miffed about that. He still had his serious blank face on.

"I did not kick you out: You were fully clothed when I came back from the bathroom, ready to walk out the door."

"But you didn't stop me, because what were your exact words…? Oh yeah: 'We scratched an itch, why embarrass ourselves with the morning-after-antics'?"

Okay Jay **was** pissed about her excellent choice of words and he walked straight on while he said that. She could barely keep up with his pace. This was not an easy stroll.  
Rianne groaned out loud and felt a bit awful. She did say that. But she'd wished for him to see through her front and stay anyway or **she** had wanted to have been the one to actively kick him out, before he had made the decision for her. And another part of her had been too confused to think at all and just wanted to make herself scarce. Disappear. She made an effort to fall into a rhythm beside him again:

"You have to admit that you didn't really make the impression that you wanted to stay by telling me you had to be back at the station first thing in the morning. But I guess we're both at fault for not handling this very well…" she followed him another few feet in silence before she added:

"Did you really hate me before?" Rianne was curious.

"Hate is a strong word, but I found you annoying. I think I still do."

"Yeah? What do you find most annoying about me?"

Jay let out an exasperated sigh and now looked her straight in the eyes:

"That I can't really figure you out. One minute you're all over me, and the next you create distance between us. I think I'm equally confused if you want me to take your hand or turn around and walk away? If you even wanna spent time together or if you are embarrassed to be seen with me? If you really just wanted to scratch that itch and then be done with it? The list of 'ifs' goes on…"

* * *

Rianne stopped in her tracks, Jay did too, wondering what would happen next. With her he could never be sure how she would react. Like he said: He couldn't figure her out. And the worst part about that was that he became kind of unpredictable too when it came to her. Why did he just gave up everything that was going on inside his head?

When he'd seen her down at the front-desk with Trudy his heart had skipped not only one but several beats and he'd been thankful for Trudy's bluntness this time. He didn't know if he'd have had the nerve to just ask her out for coffee himself. Like this he could coolly act on the chance that their desk-sergeant had offered up to him. All weekend long he hadn't been able to make up his mind about how to pursue, if to pursue this. Again! It had felt like the ball was in her court, so he had finally decided to wait and see if she'd contact him. On the other hand he hadn't been able to figure out for himself if he'd be okay with the possibility that this one time with her would be all there would ever be between them.

Right now Rianne stepped in front of him and smiled a little, holding up her hand, palm facing in his direction:

"Take it, if you dare!" Her voice was clear and steady, but Jay could see her pulse quicken as he looked at the vein pulsating in her neck.

"D'you wanna high-five now?" He couldn't resist teasing her a bit and smile back at her.

"No," she laughed out a little impatient: "I want you to know that you can take my fucking hand you moron, if you wanna!"

Yes, he wanted, and a whole lot more than that too. He took his time raising his left hand to meet her right. It felt like he was coming near a magnetic field, like the air around their respective limbs was charged with electricity. Although he felt some of his built up tension subsiding, a whole new tension was taking over once his fingers intertwined with hers and he took in the picture of their two hands before him. Jay loved how her more delicate one was almost swallowed by his calloused and coarser hand. Her grip was nevertheless strong and dry. He softly pulled her whole body closer to his side. A cloud of her sweet smell engulfed him and made his whole body shiver. He'd had that smell of coconut and ginger and something else imprinted on his body after Friday night and barely been able to sleep. It had kept the memories of their entwined bodies alive in his mind. He had to stop himself right now, he was openly staring at her.

"Why should I be embarrassed to be seen with you?" Rianne asked him in a curious tone when they started to walk again.

Together this time at a more moderate pace.

"I don't know! Maybe because you don't seem like someone who likes to be wrong. And I guess you've made your reservations about me known to some people. How would they feel about it if you are suddenly holding hands with me besides other things?"

"Oh no, that's where you're so wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. And if I remember correctly it was mostly you giving **me** a hard time, telling me how to do my job, not the other way around."

She was right, almost every time he had been the starter of their arguments. They had reached the coffee cart and Jay motioned for her to order:

"Cappuccino please, extra espresso shot, tiny bit of sugar, full fat milk," she said and Jay raised his brows at that.

"Very specific, no fancy sirup?!"

She just shrugged her shoulders, watching him when he placed his order of a usual latte, because he'd already had several black coffees this morning and feared he'd be sleeping even worse tonight if he had more. He was only letting go of her hand the last minute, when he had to get out his money to pay and instantly felt like he was missing something.

"What else do you find annoying about me?"

They had gotten their order, stirred their sugar well and continued their walk, which led them back to the district on a long round.

"That you seem so perfectly in control all the time?"

Rianne laughed out loud at his comment, like really laughed out loud for a minute, almost dropping the cup she was holding.  
Then she raised her eyebrows at him quizzically:

"And this coming from you: Mr. Untouchable?"

Again he thought that she had a great laugh. Witnessing that carefree sound was a true revelation and it triggered his witty and goofy side too:

"Untouchable? Really? I thought you touched pretty much of me already."

"Nice comeback!" Rianne bumped her hips into his on purpose in appreciation.

"Oh why thank you…"

"No, but really? You think I am unfazed and cold?"

She shook her head in disbelieve and stopped stirring her milk, looking up at him questioningly. Jay couldn't help but think that for always putting up such a tough front she seemed unsure of what his impression of her really was. Now it was almost like she was afraid that he'd gotten the wrong idea about her.

"Not cold, but when it comes to your job and dealing with people - I think you're pretty steady and professional most of the time. You never seem lost for words, you don't freeze…"

"Yeah, but I had a massive breakdown in your car the other night, you should remember — you had a front-row seat to it…."

"Yes, but that was personal and honestly the fact that you seem so upbeat again today tells me that you're either incredibly strong and positive, or totally nuts and maybe a master of denial or on some kind of happy-go-lucky drug."

"Maybe I am a combination of all of the above…" she winked at him and scrunched up her freckled nose. It was slowly turning out to be his favorite habit of hers, it was so damn cute.

"I guess I just get to read more pages of the "guide to Rianne Torres Delgado" everyday." He rolled the 'r's in her first surname, exaggerating the Spanish ring to it.

"The question is: Do you want to keep on reading?"

"What do you think?"

Instead of giving her a detailed answer on how he felt about that he brushed the back of his free hand against hers and just like that it was in his again. They were almost back at the district, when Rianne slowed down and leaned her head against his shoulder just a little bit:

"Look, I have never had anything like this going on, so I think: I have to take it step by step and day by day. Maybe this comes across as guarded, controlled and rude or I don't know how you feel about it, but: this is all I can offer right now. I don't know about your relationship-history and your dating-habits, but: If you are not into the 'star-crossed-lovers- please-let's-do-everything-together-from-here-on-out thing": maybe this works for you too."

"What makes you think I believe into star-crossed-lovers?" He had to laugh at the expression.

"I don't know, just a feeling that in cases of the heart you might be a softie."

Jay didn't comment on that, because she was eerily right about it. Getting rid of their by now empty coffee cups he pulled her into his side, regretting that he only could spare that much time before he had to be back upstairs at Intelligence quarters.

* * *

When they reached her car at the corner of the 21st, Rianne pulled Jay to a stop behind it, so that they were blocked from the view of everyone going in and out of the precinct.

She took his face in her hands, marveling at his perfect features, getting lost in thousands of freckles on immaculate skin. She liked how they really were everywhere, even some on his pale lips. These past 30 minutes of light banter, holding each others hands and dipping toes into their more personal spaces had given her the courage to admit something to him. So she got up on her toes and whispered in the direction of his left ear:

"The truth is, all I can think about since Saturday morning when I woke up is how to get you back into my bed again. I can barely think straight in your presence right now because I have all these thoughts about how amazing you made me feel the other night. I am definitely not finished exploring your body and I want you to touch every inch of mine again and again. Maybe this helps you to figure me out for now..."

She noticed that he'd grabbed her hip somewhere along the line and that his grip had gotten tighter the longer she spoke. When Rianne looked at his face again, Jay's cheeks had become slightly flushed and when he locked eyes with her she saw he swallowed noticeably, making his Adam's apple jump up and down. In the afternoon sunlight the stubble on his face appeared almost red here and there and she ran her fingers over it.

"You're so bad..." Jay managed to get out in a hoarse voice, before he sealed her lips with his hurriedly, pressing her to him tightly with that special urgency that took her breath away.

* * *

He couldn't even speak when he went back into the precinct.  
Jay just tried to breathe away everything that went on inside of him and wipe the stupid excited smile off his face until he was upstairs. Trudy surely was watching him like a hawk, now more than ever.  
Sitting at his desk again he couldn't help but text Rianne right away:

**_"This conversation is far from over! How could you do that to me? I still have to work for like several hours."_ **

She responded instantly:

" _So come over after shift and we can deal with your concerns about my behavior then ;-)."_

This didn't help much either. He groaned and wrote back:

**_"Not helping! Think I'll have to write you off for being such a terrible tease!"_ **

"Rojas - I think our innocent Jay here is sexting! Did you know he has been out socializing with the former enemy?" Atwater announced loudly and Jay was so preoccupied with his phone that he just noticed something was going on when he got aware of the loud laughter of his colleagues all around him, watching him, when he pried his eyes off the screen.

"What is happening folks?"

"That's a good question and we hoped you would answer it!? I've never seen you smile at your phone that way!"

Kevin tried to get behind Jay to have a peek at his phone, but of course Jay knew how to prevent that from happening.


	11. Circadian Rhythm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Circadian Rhythm" by Silversun Pickups

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Stella had been checking in with Rianne after her shift, if she really went through with going to see Jay.  
In addition to this there had been a little bit of late afternoon wine tasting for stress-relieve of her tired firefighter-ass going on. As Rianne wasn't sure if Jay would indeed take her up on her offer to stop by after work to "discuss" her bluntness face to face, Stella had decided to not stick around for that. She was just on her way out of the loft, when she almost ran into Jay, about to knock on the front-door:

"Oh, good! Is Rianne home?" He quickly recovered from his surprise as she obviously hadn't been the one he was expecting to be at the door.

Little did he know that Stella had been the one to buzz him up all along.

"Yeah, she just went to take a shower." She didn't tell him it was probably for his sake and to sober up a little after the half bottle of rosé they'd had each.

"Okay, can I come in and wait?"

"I think so. Are you okay?"

Charging into the loft and sounding a little out of breath Jay looked around quickly, searching for something do to with himself. Stella had to suppress a laugh. It was kind of adorable how wired he was.

"Yeah, I just need to talk to her."

Yeah sure, talking would be the last thing on their minds, Stella thought, but didn't lead on that she knew anything about any of this and excused herself quickly:

"Right. I'm off to Molly's – in case you two want to swing by there later…"

Stella doubted that they would, but who knew. It was weird and inappropriate that a little part of her wanted to stick around here after all, but she was so curious how this new dynamic between her friend and Jay would look like, it was almost killing her.

* * *

Jay didn't think that they would head into Molly's later, he had other things in mind.  
He waited until Stella had really left and then went straight into Rianne's room. He could hear water gushing from her ensuite and a female voice singing to herself. It made him smile. Just in case someone would come back (he wasn't really sure how many people came and went in and out of this place), he locked her bedroom-door and rid himself quickly of his clothes, placing his gun and badge and phone on her nightstand. He didn't try to think about it too much, otherwise he might have called himself a crazy person and backed out of this. This daring side of him concerning sexual matters had been buried for some time now.

The bathroom-door was unlocked, of course it was. By now he had found various proof that Nate and Rianne kept a pretty open-door policy with each other and all of their friends in this house.

He slid the grey steel door to the bathroom open with one smooth motion and instantly walked into a cloud of steam.  
Jay noticed he was holding his breath when he stepped into the room and closed the door again. Her bath wasn't big, but it was beautifully outfitted in a general dark-grey, white and black industrial style. The shower didn't really have a door, just two side walls and a glass pane that took over the half of its width. The bathroom walls were plastered grey in a natural clay look, the floor made of Moroccan style mosaic tiles. The room's natural light was aided by the skylight in the middle of it and a crown glass window on the right shower wall.

Rianne didn't really seem shocked or surprised by somebody walking in on her. At the sound of the bathroom-door sliding closed she had turned around to him and didn't flinch in the slightest. A knowing grin spread over her face as he took in the view of her in all her nude glory under the rushing rain-shower head, skin glistening, shampooing her hair. He kept asking himself if she'd timed her shower just perfectly for him to find her, but as he hadn't let her know he was on his way, how could she have known how late **he'd** be?

She kept continuing what she was doing, not letting him out of her sight while he approached. Her appreciative gaze on his too naked body, before she turned her back to him again, had quite the effect on him. Jay immediately fast-tracked his last steps to her and took her by her soapy waist once he'd entered the grand cabin, where hot water was instantly raining down on him. The feeling of flesh on flesh and the softness of her skin were overwhelming. He grabbed her neck to turn her to him and kissed the air out of her lungs.

After a while she bit his lip softly and pushed against him, so that he let go of her mouth for a bit.

"Is this a dream?" Rianne rubbed her nose along his neck and then kissed and nibbled at his chin.

"No – this feels freaking real to me..." he pushed her hand down to his already raging erection and groaned when she squeezed him softly:

"Were you fantasizing about me just now or why the dream-reference?"

"Actually: I guess I was!" She giggled a little, kissing behind his ear and Jay found it a turn-out that she didn't lie about it.

"Good, because I intend to make you pay for leaving me with this damn hard-on for the remainder of my shift, not being able to concentrate in the least on what I was supposed to do. Voight kept yelling at me to 'wake the hell up' all the time. How can you say things like that to me and leave? It's just cruel!"

"What was I supposed to do? Join you up in the locker room?" she chuckled again like a little girl.

Looking up at him and putting her hands on his shoulders she had that certain glow in her eyes that had stayed with him ever since that night at Molly's. This woman was messing with all the good parts of his body and especially his brain.

"I don't know, maybe something like that," he kissed her again and slowly pressed her into one of the shower walls, bringing both her arms up in the air and pinned them to the wall with one of his hands, entwining their fingers.

Jay let his other hand wander from her neck to her breast, to her left side, down her back and finally circled her peach-like buttocks. Her skin was so soft and smooth, he could have touched her all day. All the while he pressed his hard and wet body into hers, making her moan from unsatisfied desire, his erection grazing her thighs. He could tell she wanted to feel him closer and was getting impatient, but he kept playing with her body, taking his sweet time and didn't let go of her hands. The feeling she had described was mutual: He felt like he was far from finished touching and exploring her body.  
Jay could hear her breath hitch in her throat, when he kissed her cheek, closed his eyes and finally delved a finger into her hot core. She was already so wet. His finger slid deeper inside of her, making her quiver around him and repeat those soft moans that had driven him crazy the other night. By now he was already so hard it was almost painful to the point of unbearable. But he continued his mission.

Soon Jay had her whimpering uncontrollably: "Oh my god! Fuck Jay! Please..." she tried to struggle against his grip on her hands to make him let her go, but to no avail.

He was much stronger and determined to make her come on his terms.

"Please what?" He pushed a second finger into her and pressed down on her clit with his thumb, making her sharply draw in the air through her teeth.

"Please just let me touch you!? And for god's sake get inside me now!" She made big eyes at him, holding his stare and bestowing more gravity to her plea.

It amused him that she really had a habit of swearing a lot.  
Knowing he had gained the upper hand, Jay gave in. He kissed her full force one more time, let go of her hands, which flew directly over his pecs and onto his hips and butt, squeezing tight. Jay hoisted her up against the wall and without hesitation sunk all the way into her. Instantly he felt like he was losing his mind, because it felt so damn good, a relief after holding out since this morning to do this.  
Due to the sensual foreplay Rianne was hyper sensitive and it didn't take long for her to be shaking around him, not really able to suppress her ecstatic moans, helplessly clutching at the tiles and his back alternatingly for something to hold on to.  
Looking into her half-closed sexy eyes a little more and burying his face in her breasts, Jay picked up the pace. Pretty soon his rhythm became kind of erratic and he found his release too, his soft and satisfied grunts echoing through the steamed up room.

* * *

When Jay let her down gently, breathing heavily into her open mouth, she felt her legs were pretty wobbly. Shower sex was great but not very comfy.  
As Rianne tried to put her feet on the ground and her whole weight on both of her legs she felt her left one give way. She quickly grabbed on to the wall, which was unnecessary because Jay had quick reflexes and his arms shot out, holding her up by her hips.

"You all right?" he motioned to her leg, a little bit of remorse in his eyes, maybe he thought he'd been too rough with her.

She caught his worried eye with a little annoyed stare and had to contain her anger. It was not his fault, but she always got frustrated when life reminded her, that she was not really all fabric-new but had some cracks and dents in her body. Sighing, she put her hands on his chest, loving the way it was so rock hard under her soft fingertips and explained:

"Yeah, it's just... my leg sometimes acts up when I put too much strain on it or if I'm on my feet for too long. I try to ignore it most of the time, but every once in a while a slight limp is inevitable. Or it gets stiff and numb just like now."

Rianne paused in her tracks and tried to decide if she should elaborate, even though he didn't press her for further information why she got this injury, only calmly kept his eyes on her. She turned off the steam pads and the spray head and chose to offer up a bit more on her own volition as she was already pretty much bare-naked in front of him:

"It's because of my accident. The leg got jammed under the steering wheel and I was trapped in the car-wreck until Severide and Casey could cut me out. At first it looked like they couldn't save it in the hospital, but I was lucky I guess. So apart from that ugly scar and that it lost a bit of its full function, at least I got to keep it."

Rianne tried to put on a brave smile. Jay still didn't say anything, but his eyes wandered down her leg. Then he ran his thumb over the long red scar on her upper left thigh, that stretched down to her knee. It was a bit weird because he took his time to admire and caress it, as if he was saying "hello" and properly acknowledging it, but still said nothing.  
Rianne later thought maybe it wasn't weird at all, because he was well accustomed to battle scars.

"Can you get me that towel over there? Maybe we sit for a bit. I mean, if you have to go, then I'll just do it myself, but…"

"No, I'll do it…"

He wrapped her in said towel while she held on to the shower wall, tucking it professionally around her body after even drying her hair for her a bit. Then he got one for himself off the shelf where they were so neatly rolled up like in a hotel. Making sure he had a good grip on the wet floor Jay hoisted her up in his arms against her protests that she could walk on her own and carried her into the other room, letting her down gently so that she could rest up on her bed. Laying down, stretching and bending her leg tentatively she cringed at him:

"I bet that's real sexy…"

"Are you kidding me? Best early evening off in a long time…" He went to put on his boxers and then joined her on the bed to her surprise.

"Are you in pain?"

"No, it's okay… it's just tingling like mad now, so I think in a few minutes I'm good as new." She still felt a little uneasy to just lay there with him, feeling her control over the situation slip away a bit.

"Am I allowed to ask further questions?" Jay seemed to have decided to not shy away this time, no matter how awkward this might get.

"Like a police inquisition?"

Rianne found that staring up at the ceiling helped a lot. His intense eyes she felt on her were more bearable that way.

"No, just because I'd like to know…"

"You can ask me anything you want. Actually if you ask me a concrete and definite question – I will probably answer it honestly. So think twice before you ask me something you don't really wanna know the answer to." She tried a sideways glance at him and saw that he'd raised his eyebrows at her.

He actually did that a lot, she'd noticed.

"You said that you haven't done anything like 'this'," Jay motioned between their bodies with his hands, "before… So, why's that?"

"That's an easy one: Because I have been in a steady relationship since I was 20 years old. I have been a girlfriend and short-lived wife…," she couldn't help the slight scoff in her voice when she said that, "…and then there just has been no one since. As much as I would like to tell you wild and interesting stories, but before I met Andrea I either wasn't really interested in guys, or I had fallen in love but my family was on the verge of moving cities and countries again. I guess I skipped some of that dating trivia really. When I met Andrea he, he was just… there was nothing to think about: we met and were a couple the next day I think. Simple as that! We just clicked and fell into that disgusting puppy-dog-eyed love everybody around you hates…"

Of course some of that had changed over the years but all in all they had been 'that couple'.

"Sounds perfect…" Jay said softly and moved his body a little closer to hers, he still kept his hands to himself she noticed.

"Yeah, it was — most of the time!" Rianne felt an unwelcome lump form in her throat.

She didn't want to think about Andrea right now. Not when she had managed to convince herself that she wasn't such a bad person for fooling around with Jay. He must have seen the tears shining in her eyes, because he didn't press any further.  
Instead Jay motioned to the books on trauma and psychology that were lying next to them on her bed:

"Are you reading up on that sort of thing in your free time or is it research for work?"

"Actually these are study books… I have started to attend seminars and workshops on trauma counseling for kids and teens."

"Wow, that must be time consuming…"

"Yes, it is, but I really wanna do this. Maybe it's stupid, because obviously I still struggle with some demons myself, but I wanna be more prepared to help traumatized people, especially children and teenagers. Stella is thinking about getting a program for young female teenagers going to interest them in the firefighter career, give them some options. That's something I'd too wanna do: Get kids off the streets, get them into free counseling and give them a voice. The one's who can't afford counseling often need it the most and don't get a chance."

Rianne was thankful to him that he'd steered the conversation to more safer grounds for her. Talk about her job, her dreams for the future of the social system, the work she was willing to put into helping other people: this she could do in her sleep.

"Sounds amazing. No wonder I was feeling kind of psychoanalyzed by you sometimes…"

"You'd certainly make an interesting client…" she gave him a long once-over, heart beating because he just seemed to do that to her every time she met his gaze, until her eyes caught on a red mark on his left side, just above his hip.

"What happened here?" She ran her fingers over the scaring just like he'd done before with hers.

Now it was Jay's turn to shift a little uncomfortably, giving his best to not flinch away from her fingers:

"That's from a really stupid shooting on a really shitty day… It happened over a year ago, when we had to take my father off the ventilator and let him go… Voight had benched me but I kept chasing the suspected perpetrator responsible for all of this anyway and went after him without backup. He shot at me before I shot him." Jay ran a hand over the stubble on his chin, his face a little more guarded than before.

This didn't seem to be a topic he liked to dwell upon.

"Oh shit, right!" Recognition hit Rianne, how could she have been so oblivious all this time?

"I remember that. This was the apartment building fire Stella was injured in as well. I didn't really connect this, but I had been talking to Will a lot at that time. Of course it was your dad who died too, but I never… shit … we bumped into each other at the hospital you and I…I was blocking in your car, when I went to visit Stella."

Now Jay almost smiled again: "Yeah, that went pretty bad between us. I hope you forgive me for calling you a 'mindless idiotic gypsy' knowing the circumstances…"

There was silence between them for a moment, both reminiscing in their memories they had of that day way back when.

Jay was the first one to speak, planting a kiss on her naked shoulder, as if apologizing in hindsight for his behavior, and after that motioned around her bedroom:

"You redecorated…"

Where there had been a ton of pictures just Friday there were empty spaces or different pictures framed now, some postcards and drawings.

"Yeah… you know - I thought it was time for a change…" Rianne cleared her throat and hoped the topic was thereby closed.

There really wasn't much that escaped his eye. But Jay had mastered to just look at her without saying anything and yet she knew what he wanted to get across. And she found she kept answering these looks with confessions:

"Okay, right. I was angry after the revelations at the club on Friday and as long as we don't know how Andrea was involved in all of this I couldn't just keep looking at these photos and ask myself if this is who I knew? If this is the man I married or if it's all just a terrible lie — was I the wife of a criminal? Right now I don't know. So I tore them down…"

Jay just nodded, he certainly had the ability to make her feel psychoanalyzed too. Quickly she took the chance to change the subject:

"Anyway: Are you hungry? I have leftovers, but if you're on another time now in your police universe I can make you any kind of breakfast too. Full English, French toast, pancakes, tortillas: you name it."

This she could do, nurture. She was almost acting like her abuela always had in a crisis or when she was not sure what else do to. Cooking and eating mostly did the trick.  
With her leg now eased up she almost jumped out of the bed and started rummaging through the clothes on her armchair near it to find something to wear. All the while she was still talking to Jay and making suggestions to distract him from asking anything about Andrea again. She felt she had been talking about herself enough by now.

"Or can I interest you in some more coffee or a drink?"

"I will stop asking questions, if you come back over here…" she heard him say in her back.

She froze and stopped what she was doing for a second.

"Please?" Jay patted the space beside him.

Looking back at him Rianne gave herself an inner push. Stella's words were echoing in her head to let go just for now, just a little bit. It was kind of funny to think that he was the first man in her bedroom here. Besides Nate of course, but he didn't really count, because with Nate it was nothing sexual.

And what a man he was: almost naked, arms outstretched above his head and by now looking at the high ceiling, patiently waiting for her to make a decision. He'd gotten the message, that he had to be persistent and not get easily scared with her. A detective on an ethno-bedspread with a lot of pillows, in the middle of macramé wall hangers, plants, subtle fairy-lights and decorations… Somehow he even made that look good.  
When she went to lay down beside him in a tight top and some panties she mimicked his pose, stared up at the ceiling and felt a bit shy. Only slightly resting her head near his arm Jay soon pulled her into him and began playing with strands of her hair, making her heart pound rapidly. It felt frighteningly intimate and soothingly good at the same time.

"So, what is upstairs behind the curtain?" Jay asked, motioning to her own little gallery in the room, reachable over some wooden wound stairs right in front of the bed.

"I thought you said you were done with the questioning…"

"Come on, this is not really an all too personal question, is it?"

Rianne contemplated this for a while: "Behind this is… my — walk-in-closet…?"

"Why do you say it like that?" His interest was naturally peaked.

"Because I get the impression that you will just get up and see for yourself what's behind that curtain and it's pretty messy."

"Hell yes I will!"

Jay was up and out of the bed in seconds and because she did not really hold him back, he did take a look behind the curtain and laughed out loud incredulously: "Holy shit, it's like a vintage high end thrift shop up here…"

"I know, that's why I didn't want you to see. But everybody's got a guilty pleasure, right? I just am not very good at parting with clothes, even if I don't wear them anymore."

Jay did not answer or come back out for some time, so she called after him:

"Find something you like in there?"

"I don't think so, but it's certainly interesting. And by the way your cat is sleeping in here on some kind of furry sweater…"

Jay was back down the stairs and next to her just as quick as he had left. Maybe he was afraid that she'd get up again and cut their time together short.

"Yeah, he likes to do that. Don't disturb him though, he gets pissy when you ruin his nap!"

"That cat is giving me the creeps anyway, I am sorry," Jay chuckled.

"He's not the most obvious cutie that's true. So, my wardrobe is not really your style. I guess I forgot that you're more of a "plain clothed officer"…" Rianne nudged his arm playfully, the way he responded with his eyes laughing into hers, warming her from the inside:

"Hey, you've only just seen my work wardrobe yet…"

"Yeah, right… I honestly think there's not much of a difference, am I right?"

"In my time off I spent a lot of time just like this…" he motioned to his semi-naked appearance and made an exaggerated confident face.

Rianne laughed and couldn't resist the urge to pull him in for a kiss: "Might actually be on the verge of becoming my favorite look on you…"

It was intoxicating and dangerously close to leading to a second round of heavy making out, when Jay reciprocated the kiss and rolled himself on top of her. The air between them was instantly charged. But there was something she just had to get off her chest now:

"We haven't talked about protection… like again…" Rianne pushed him a bit away from her so that she could look him in the eyes.

"Yeah, but I took a wild guess we're in the clear because I saw your birth control pills in your bathroom the night of the party…" He wasn't even blushing when he admitted to his observation.

"This is crazy Jay, you know that right? Kind of a wild guess too… And what about…"

He didn't let her finish her sentence and put his finger over her mouth: "I am sorry, snooping is a habit… and before you ask: my last STD - test was negative - I took that like a year ago…"

"Oh right, and since then you haven't had sex? Who's gonna believe that?"

Rianne had noticed how women reacted to him, not that she had been paying attention to that especially. But when he entered a room, like Molly's for example, one couldn't help but notice that heads turned. No way he didn't use that to his advantage from time to time…

"Believe it or not, but I take quality over quantity every time…" he kissed behind her ear softly and chuckled at his own joke.

Rianne groaned and now really pushed him off playfully: "Ew, sometimes you're too smooth and cheesy for your own good Halstead…"

"Is it working though?"

"No…" Of course that was not really true and he had to know that.

"When's Nate coming back?"

"I told him I'd pick him up at O"Hare tonight at 10. Why?"

"No reason…I just think I'll take something for the road…" with a wicked grin he drew her closer.

"Please, don't do that! Not there...," she moaned when Jay started kissing behind her earlobe again.

Jay's lips wandered from her ear to her cheek and landed softly on her mouth, kissing her lips delicately and muffling everything else she wanted to say. Rianne wondered if it was possible to have an orgasm just from tasting his exquisite mouth.

"Guess I found your sweet spot…"

He smelled so good, tasted so good and felt so good. The heat of his skin, the feel of sturdy muscle and hard tendon. His erection pressed against her leg, like: again.  
Jay curled his fingers around her rib cage, pulled himself up using only his defined abs, and left a trail of kisses around her collarbone, down to her breasts, where his sneaky hands had pulled down her top. Her skin pebbled.  
She arched her back, inviting him to get to it before she went up in flames.

* * *

"So, you went in there on your own, with the intention of threatening that guy?" Jay's eyes sparkled with mirth.

Finally they had made it out of bed and back into their clothes. As it was getting late and Rianne had to jet to the airport soon, they'd been feasting quickly on the leftovers (or better said: Jay had as Rianne noticed that she strangely had no appetite whenever he was near). Eating standing up in the kitchen Jay couldn't really help himself but ask some questions about Friday night that had been keeping his mind busy.  
He'd told her there wasn't really any progress because after a second surgery Marco still was in a medically induced coma and no one knew when he would be up to being interviewed again and there were no other leads concerning the involvement of Andrea yet.

"Yes!? Why do you think this is so funny?" Rianne tried not to be offended by Jay's laughter.

Instead she found she felt her heart give a little tug at seeing him so openly amused and carefree for once. Those lines of worry and hard thinking replaced by laughter-lines around his eyes. But she had to show him that she was not a weakling or a cripple.  
Taking his plate and putting it into the dishwasher she took him by surprise when she grabbed his arm and attacked him with a self-defense move that had him lying on the ground within seconds. Choking on his own laughter he didn't move and was very quiet for a minute, trying to gather his bearings.

Slowly coming to terms with what just happened he got up and nodded at her in appreciation:

"Okay, I didn't expect that — you win. I underestimated you. Where'd you learn to do that?"

"Years of training with my father's bodyguards I guess… and having nothing better to do in my teen-years. Helps a lot though when dealing with certain scary clients or deviant teens if you know that you can defend yourself if you have to."

"I guess it does. Promise me one thing though?" Jay put a finger under her chin to make her look at him.

"Even though you feel you can take out a guy solo, on your own: Just don't! Don't go at a situation like that alone without telling anybody. And if you don't want to come to me, fine. But you know a whole lot of other cops you can confide in."

She found herself promising, but crossed her toes.


	12. On Without Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "On Without Me" by Incubus

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne could not put if off any longer, she had to give in to the texts and calls from Andrea's family and go see them for a Saturday brunch, which usually would turn into Saturday lunch and then Saturday dinner at least.

It was usually a weekly tradition she had been trying to quit for some time now although it hurt to feel that way. That little house in Berwyn was really something else on those family days. It was loud, it was messy, all of the family members hung around on the weekend, bringing their offspring and spouses and all their stories along. There were always tons of food, animated conversations alternating between native Italian tongue and English, the TV playing in the background throughout the whole day.

As the youngest son Andrea had always been the center of attention of his sisters and his mama Paola, a woman who was a proud matriarch ready to do anything for her children. She had always been more of a mother to Rianne than her own had been these past years and she made the best caffé Rianne had ever tasted in whole of Chicago, maybe even the best of her life. One other reason why Rianne felt guilty as hell that she had tried to avoid contact these last weeks as best as she could.

But how could she tell them there was another man in her life she was developing feelings for even if she didn't want to?  
Wasn't she expected to lead a lonely widow's life and honor Andrea's memory for as long as she lived? Defend his honor and don't listen to the rumors and things she had found out? How could there be any other kind of love than the one she had known to be something really special? The only love she had really known until then. The feeling of being torn between two worlds and having to choose one was getting stronger than ever.

The whole house in that neighborhood outside the center of Chicago was a jar of memories. There was the room where Andrea had told her he loved her, the back yard where they had pretended to study and made out instead, where they'd had their engagement party, a kitchen full of snippets of conversations, a living room filled with a life that no longer was hers. It was difficult to escape the past there.

She hadn't just been in love with Andrea, but in love with his whole family. A picture perfect world for someone like her, who had always wished for siblings, for a bigger family.

The diVareses never had had much money and where often trying to make ends meet for so many family members, but they showed up for one another, there was always room for someone else at the dinner table. Somehow they made it work. In Rianne's own family home growing up there was always way too much silence and strict routine. She was not allowed to bring a friend along unannounced, if she even managed to make friends in the often only short amounts of time they spent in one place. Her father had been in a high ranking position, the neighborhood's she lived in always gated, protected, secluded. Her abuela had really been the only other person unconventional enough to not make her feel so misplaced and lonely all the time.

To keep things a little lighter Rianne had asked Nate if he wanted to come with, as they hadn't had a chance to really spent time together since he got back from New York.

* * *

Nate didn't mind accompanying her. Usually these family Saturdays promised a lot of delicious food and watching sports with the men of the house, no chores, no conversations if one didn't want to. He'd practically been growing up in this vibrant household and since Andrea's death he more than ever had a special place there as the additional son.  
Of course he wouldn't tell his own mother that, who had always been a bit jealous of the amount of time he'd spent at the 'di Vareses' usually.

This time it was a bit difficult because of the newest revelations about Andrea's past his parents and siblings were oblivious to. To go back there and pretend that nothing changed, that Andrea had been what he had been, was challenging. But Nate guessed it was a lot tougher on Rianne. As the women in this house did all the talking, she had to avoid some triggers and trapdoors to not let something slip about what she'd come to know over the last week. After she had fully caught him up on the newest developments on their ride home from the airport on Monday none of them had breached the subject anymore, but he could tell it was working inside of her sweet head. In general there had been less in-house-communication as they somehow seemed on different work hours with Rianne sleeping into the mornings and returning late at night. He tried not to read too much into it, but it felt like she was slipping away from him more and more.

Somehow they made it through that Saturday without any major incidents in the end. Rianne playing her role as the funny and witty daughter-in-law perfectly, he only noticed that her heart wasn't in it and her thoughts were elsewhere because he knew her so well. Nate was feeling a bit sorry for her and then again he noticed a little voice inside of him that hoped this day would make her see that this was where she belonged. They were still her family. She didn't need anyone else.

As Rianne had promised Stella to come take over from her later at Molly's, they had an excuse to leave at a somewhat reasonable hour after they'd spent the whole day with everyone. Leaving before late dinner meant they still could walk in a straight line, having passed on even more food and all the wine and aperitifs it usually included.

Nate was glad he had convinced Rianne to take the car and not go by train. This way even with evening traffic they were back in the center and at the bar in less than a half hour instead of spending over an hour on the Red Line.

"What's on your mind?" He asked her when they had left Cermak Road and turned onto the South Austin Boulevard without going through the highlights of a normal diVarese day like they usually would.

For example: what had been the best and most delicious dish on the menu today, what gossip the most hilarious or which comment of Mama Paola had scared them and how her husband Massimo would probably nap off in his armchair in front of the tv at exactly 11 p.m. like he always did. And they would laugh a lot and be glad to have them, but also glad to be going home again. Sometimes it was like time stood still in that house, nothing ever really changed. It was sort of comforting he found but had the feeling that Rianne began to worry about that as well.

Tonight though Rianne just kept staring ahead, navigating them through the traffic, lost in thought. She had been a little distracted and tense all day, but he hadn't found the nerve to address this until now.

"I don't know how long I can keep doing this!" She exclaimed now and honked at some douchebag overtaking her at high risk speed, swearing at him in Spanish for good measure, too.

"Do what exactly? Keep your new man a secret?" It was out before he could stop himself.

They hadn't really talked about that sore point again since he was back from his New York trip. But Nate had a feeling that there definitely was more going on between Jay and Rianne than when he'd left. He was none the wiser after today as the only incident had been when Guilia had asked Rianne who the guy was she'd been hanging around with at Nate's party. His roommate had played it cool, saying he was "just a friend" and working with Adam in Intelligence and that's how she knew him.

"Are you kidding me? You wanna add fuel to my guilt trip?"

Nate didn't answer that. He couldn't clearly answer that question with a definite yes or no. She didn't wait for him to do that though:

"I mean I can't keep sitting there and listen to all this talk about Andrea being some sort of family hero, dios mio, when in reality he might have done some crazy violent, shitty, illegal things."

And even if it turned out he didn't Nate and Rianne knew that the picture Andrea had liked to paint for his family hadn't been the real one of him either.  
Nate noticed that Rianne didn't try to argue with him about his comment on Jay being her new man, so it had to be true: His best friend was creating a life he was not included in. It didn't sit right with him.

"So, what do you wanna do about it? Tell them and then what?"

"I don't know yet. I don't know…" she kept staring ahead again.

* * *

While Rianne entered Molly's through the back to change into something more suited for working behind the bar than her flowing long summer dress, Nate went for the front, searching the crowd once he was inside.  
He caught sight of Matt and Sylvie at the bar, engrossed in a conversation with Hermann. Kelly and Mouch and Cruz were discussing something that seemed to be tremendously funny and playing a game of darts and Stella looked exhausted, but smiled and waved at him, when she saw him enter. All in all, a good amount of his favorite people were present.  
Everyone from Intelligence and Will Halstead had taken over a larger table at the back of the bar. Seeing everyone from the team present Nate was aware of his mixed feelings about that.

He was looking forward to catching up with his cousin and maybe getting more information about what his take on the "Andrea case" was, but he felt he could have gone without witnessing Rianne interact with Jay Halstead tonight, which was sure bound to happen at some point.  
Nevertheless Nate decided to face this head on and after getting himself something to drink, he approached his cousin and the team to join them instead of going for the safer companions first.

Everybody said their hellos, Adam hugged him affectionately and made room at their table. Obviously they had been sitting here for a while, because everyone was talking animatedly and letting loose already. Even Halstead didn't look quite so serious tonight, but still supercilious and cool enough to make Nate's blood-pressure spike up. Who did this guy think he was? Just when Nate was about to broach the subject of his interest to everyone, Jay announced:

"Think I am going to get another round! Anyone else?" Some hands went up immediately.

"Jay, I must say I like your generosity tonight. Has this anything to do with shift change?"

Halstead stood and stuck his middle-finger up to his brother who was obviously teasing him about the fact that Rianne had just taken over from Stella and relieved her of her duties behind the bar.  
Nate swallowed his comment on that and tried to ignore the churning feeling inside his stomach as he watched Jay prowl towards the bar. Instead he started up a conversation with Adam and Kev.

* * *

Jay had been nursing his second beer in peace with his co-workers and his brother by his side. He'd been checking his phone every now and then, gaining him a curious frown from Hailey, but he didn't comment on it.  
It had been way too long since he'd seen Rianne. There just hadn't been time this week with both their crazy work-schedules and he'd begun to miss her. They had exchanged several texts back and forth during the week to keep a loose contact. The content had been light and flirtatious, sometimes teasing and sexy, building up his desire to see her again.  
So yesterday he'd asked her if she planned on coming to Molly's tonight. Her answer had been:

" _Yes, have to work there actually.  
But maybe we could sneak into the back room again for a minute ;-)  
Won't be there until eightish though, spending time with Nate before that."_

The last part he didn't like so much, but he was excited to finally get to see her.  
Even though they had both admitted to being extremely attracted to one another, neither of them had really defined what that meant. Were they dating, were they just having sex? Were they even continuing to have sex on a regular basis? Had they agreed to wanting to get to know each other better?  
It was all a bit blurry in his mind, unnerving and on the other hand kind of exciting. For once Jay had been really grateful that his job always kept him busy and on most nights too wiped out to dwell on these things for too long.  
He knew he had the tendency to overthink and then freeze, doing nothing about his feelings. And he had to admit that Rianne was a regular visitor in his head by now.  
As soon as Nate Ruzek had joined their table he'd been alerted that she had to be there too. Promptly his phone buzzed in his hand:

_I'm walking in now! Watch me?_

Nothing could keep him at their table longer. Under the pretense of getting everyone another round, he excused himself.  
Jay turned around just in time to witness Stella kiss Rianne on both cheeks and say goodbye, before she left the bar with Kelly and Rianne got right to serving thirsty customers.  
Scolding himself slightly because he could have at least pretended to be cool about this and wait another few minutes, he decided that he was old enough to not care if he came across eager. He was! Especially when he took in the sight of her in a white crochet neck-holder top, her nicely bronzed skin contrasting the color beautifully. Her bottoms were plain black with wide legs, but tight around the hips and her ass. When she leaned up to get some liquor off the top shelve her top rode up slightly and showed a lot of naked artsy inked skin on her back.  
Jay had to remind himself to keep breathing in and out and felt his face getting hotter than usual.  
Because it was busy at the bar, she didn't get to him right away, but when her gaze fell on him a warm smile spread over her face and she came to join him at the end of the bar where he was leaning over it lazily.

"Good evening Sir, what can I get you?" She leaned over the bar as well, close enough that her breath was whispering across his face when she spoke, but still with enough distance to look unsuspicious.

"I just got it!" He found himself saying.

She looked at him skeptically and waited for him to elaborate. Jay sniggered into his empty glass, scolding himself for starting this up, but he couldn't help himself in her presence. There were all these silly lines coming to his mind.

"I've been wanting to see that beautiful face of yours for days now, so I already got what I wanted!" He winked at her extra offensively and smiled widely gauging her reaction.

"Ew Jay! Get outta here!" Rianne hid her face in her hands, laughing hard.

"Isn't that how customers are supposed to talk to pretty bartenders?"

"I usually don't do well with come-on lines…"

But she was still smiling at him, so it couldn't have put her off completely.  
Jay placed his real order and just watched her work, getting bottles out of the fridge, pouring shots and beer off the tap. His eyes were fixated on her bottom, moving around energetically and the part of her skin where her top ended and didn't quite meet her pants. That woman really must have put a sex spell on him. All the time reminding him how every body part of hers felt naked under his hands. He inwardly groaned and closed his eyes for a second, breathing out through his nose.  
When she was done assembling his order she came over again and he took the chance to make sure they were still on the same page concerning their arrangement or whatsoever.

"Are you done with me yet?"

"Done with you? How do you mean? I have just done your order, yes!" He guessed if he could play smartass she could just as well.

"Done with that physical exploration project you were telling me about…"

"Oh this project… I don't know, haven't seen much of my study object this week. So right now I am kind of indecisive …" Rianne made it look like she was torn about her decision, but her eyes went dark as she looked at him longer than necessary.

When she handed him the beers he'd ordered he shortly caught her hand between his, squeezed it and let go again. They exchanged a conspiratorial smirk.

* * *

Meanwhile Nate had noticed that Hailey was looking at Rianne and Jay over at the bar kind of strangely.

"What's up with you giving them the evil eye?" He whispered to her, when nobody else was paying attention to them and motioned to their respective "partners" a few feet away, flirting and smiling at each other a lot.

"Just a concerned partner looking out for her partner…What's your interest in this?" Hailey answered him nonchalantly.

"Just a concerned friend looking out for a friend…" he mused and went back to sipping his beer in brooding silence.

When he looked over at the bar again he saw that Rianne was still standing real close to Jay even though she was behind the bar. When she threw her head back in real laughter and touched his arm, a sour realization hit him: they had had sex in the meantime!  
He could read his friend like no one else, especially when it came to her behavior around men. In the past there had been only one for her, but Nate could always have told how they stood to each other sexually when interacting.  
This was definitely her "I know what gets your blood boiling" laughter and the purposefully pushing her hair out of her eyes gesture while looking cute and pretend innocent. Goddamn it!

* * *

Jay hadn't gone back to his team's table after bringing them their drinks, because Matt Casey and Sylvie Brett had roped him into a conversation about some old case they'd been working on together a while ago and they wanted to catch up on.  
He was just concentrating enough that they didn't notice him being distracted, but his gaze wandered to Rianne behind the bar time and time again. When she caught him looking her over for the third time she shook her head at him:

"Stop it!" she mouthed into his direction, filling up glasses of beer from the tap.

When Jay acted as if he didn't get it and mouthed: "What?" back she rolled her eyes at him.

She then went to serve some more customers and he had to focus on his conversation again. When he looked for her after some minutes had passed she was nowhere to be seen. Before he could think of where she might have gone to, his phone went off in his front pocket again. Making excuses to Matt and Sylvie he got up from his chair at the bar and read the message:

_"Meet me out back!"_

Jay wouldn't let himself be told twice and went outside through the front.  
She was waiting for him at the back-entrance, arms crossed over her chest, acting as if she was annoyed with him:

"Would you stop looking at me like that all the time?" were her first words, when he caught up with her, followed by an exasperated sigh.

"How do I look at you then?"

"Like you're undressing me with your eyes. It's unnerving!" He guessed that was exactly what he'd been doing.

"Would you stop looking like you do, then I could arrange that probably! I mean: what the hell are you wearing?"

"You've seen my closet haven't you? There's probably surprises for a whole year stored in there." This had gotten him a smile at least and he took the chance to pull her into a hug and press his lips to hers.

"Hi!" Jay breathed against her mouth and she laughed a respective "Hi!" into his.

He felt her melting against his body and whimpering ever so softly when he pressed her tighter to him, grabbing her neck and waist, deepening the kiss.

"I'm glad we're still doing this," he found himself almost growling, kissing her temple when he let her go slowly.

"Why wouldn't we?" Rianne snaked her arms around his neck and leaned back against the bar-door so that she could look up to him.

"A lot can change in five days so… who knows?"

"Haven't found a self-help group yet to deal with my addiction to doing this…" While softly rubbing his ears with her thumbs and forefingers she nipped at his bottom-lip with her teeth. He could feel her smile as she was doing this.

"Ew, that was a bad line…" Jay commented referring to their bar-talk before.

"Took a page out of your cheesiness book…" Rianne growled near his ear and bit his earlobe which she knew drove him wild and made him sigh deeply.

"Come home with me tonight!" He hadn't wanted it to come out that needy, but he couldn't help it. Every bone and muscle inside his body yelled at him to throw her over his shoulder like prey, carry her back to his truck and have his wicked way with her.

"But I have to stay until closing, no matter how long that will be."

"I don't care - I'll still wait for you!" She nodded an "Okay then" at him.

"I have to get back inside - Hermann's gonna kill me if I leave him alone for too long."

"Right, go - I'll be back there in 10…" Jay knew he needed some time to compose himself.

She must have guessed why he didn't follow right behind and looked kind of satisfied with herself, pressing her lips to his hard for one last time before she closed the door behind her.

* * *

"Kiddo, we're off too… although I am not sure what to do with Halstead over there…" Adam approached the bar and took her hand, kissing it goodbye dramatically.

These Ruzek man were really something else. Kevin had followed behind him and was so drunk that he was just standing there smiling and slightly swaying from side to side. It was almost 2 a.m.  
Everybody else had cleared out a while ago, leaving the three men to suit themselves. As she had promised Hermann she'd be closing tonight, Rianne was the only one left inside the joint, besides them. She had noticed Nate saying goodbye shortly after she'd returned from her "break" with Jay, claiming to be really tired after the day they'd had, so she was on her own. She would just text him later that he should not worry, because she would not sleep at home tonight.

"What about him?"Rianne looked up from putting away clean glasses into the shelves.

"He said he could take it…"Adam motioned to Jay, sitting slumped over at their table, his head resting on his arms, he was obviously pretty drunk and had passed out.

"Well, thanks a lot Adam! Did you three really drink all of that?" She pointed at the assorted shot-glass collection on their table, not sure if she should be angry or laughing out loud.

No wonder this had happened. It was a miracle that Ruzek and Atwater were still standing.

"We had to celebrate my two celibate boys both finally getting laid this week!"Adam announced a little too loud for Rianne's taste.

Kevin at least had the decency to look a little flustered and shush Adam. If she hadn't been so shocked at the possibility that Jay might have discussed their sexual encounters with his colleagues, she might have been happy for Kevin, knowing his dating life had been a bit lacking in action lately. Maybe she might have even started questioning who the lucky lady was.

"How would you know Jay got laid this week?" she had to ask, making sure Adam wasn't just clutching at straws, although the face she made when saying this, might have given her away already.

"Come on, you two have been making sex eyes at each other the whole night. It was kind of embarrassing for everyone having to witness that in close proximity."

When she still looked at him pretty pissed off he tried a more soothing tone:

"Don't worry, he didn't give up any details, but he didn't deny it happening either. So, I hope you get him sobered up and the fun can go on! He has to make up for lost time!"Adam really was a chatterbox sometimes.

"Don't you dare leave him here! You got him into this state, you will take care that he gets out of it then!"

Rianne wouldn't drag a drunk corpse home with her and listen to him complaining about a hangover the next morning. They weren't that comfortable with each other yet.

"But I guess he would appreciate it more if you took him home with you…" Adam made big goofy eyes at her, he too wasn't so sober.

"Shut up Ruz and take care of it! Or else I will say something about you and Kim you're not ready to hear!" She had been watching Adam and his ex-fiancée together again this evening, adding more and more evidence to her suspicion that there was definitely something going on.

"What about him and Kim?" Kevin's interest was peaked now more than ever.

Adam turned slightly red, held up his hands in defeat and got up to go take Jay and get him home without further discussions.

When he and Kevin hoisted him up from his place at the table and took him past the bar, Jay stirred awake. Adam looked at him and stopped moving, momentarily seeming worried that he would attack him, but Jay was disoriented and still somehow out of it.  
Right that moment Will walked into the bar again. He quickly took in the scene and couldn't stop laughing:

"For once I have to step out and take care of something during shot hour and my little brother gets plastered."

"Well, I think the roles are reversed this time around…" Rianne stated matter-of-factly.

She'd never seen Jay too drunk to walk by himself. Will on the other hand: numerous times.  
She wasn't on shift as often as Stella and Hermann and didn't come to Molly's every weekend, but almost once a month she'd seen Will getting rescued by his brother or Natalie. He was the one of the brothers who had to and could let loose more often.

This was actually convenient, because she felt much better knowing a more than sober enough Will would take care of Jay than the ones responsible for this: Adam and Kevin.

"So I guess you can repay the favor and take him home safely Will, would you?"

Will nodded that of course he would. Adam and Kevin looked relieved, sat Jay down at the bar where Rianne had stepped up to him, and said their good-byes, leaving still high-spirited and talking animatedly. Rianne just hoped they were reasonable enough to call themselves a cab.

Jay's head was lolling around, but he had managed to focus his eyes on her now, sighing and leaning into her. With no body tension whatsoever he was getting kind of heavy to hold up, so Will quickly jumped to her aid, getting Jay up on his feet.

"How'd you manage to do that? He's normally way too much a control-freak to get drunk like this!" Will obviously hadn't seen his brother like that in longer than he could think of.

"I didn't do anything. This is all 'Ruzek and Atwater at their finest'!"

"Rianne… I… I am so sorry…" Jay suddenly grabbed her face and pressed his lips to her mouth.

Softly but determinedly she ended that kiss quickly: "Geesh Jay, you taste like a liquor fabric!"

Momentarily she felt like she could get drunk just by kissing him.

"And you smell so good…" he smiled kind of lopsided and his eyes were loosing focus again, Will was struggling to keep him up.

"Alright, come on little bro! We're out of here!"

Rianne helped them to get through the door, Will telling her that his car wasn't parked that far down the street and that he would manage. She heard him curse under his breath and berate Jay on how he'd be furious if he was sick in his new car on the way home, as they went out into the night.  
Sighing she locked the front entrance, got the rest of the glasses cleaned up and made up the tables. Then she stacked up the chairs for the cleaning staff and stored the rest of the cash from tonight into the safe out back before she went to get her personal things out of the lockers. Her phone chimed with an unread message, it was from Will:

**"Tucked him in and sang him a lullaby. He's going to be pretty pissed at himself in the morning. Said to tell you he's sorry and that you're incredible. Thanks for making him behave like a human being for once! XO Will"**

Rianne smiled and typed a quick thanks to him, before she closed up and went home herself.  
She was sure Jay would not approve of Will indeed telling her what he had said in an obviously not so sane state of mind. But that was just Will for you — he loved to rile his little brother up. It was only now that she realized Will had been the first one to witness them kissing, even if it had been a super drunken kiss on Jay's side. It felt weirdly okay.

Getting to work and seeing Jay that soon after her visit with the in-law-family during the day had taken her mind off some things she feared she needed to deal with in the future. Rianne was a little furious about the whole alcohol debacle, but not especially with Jay. Seeing him drunk had been kind of funny. But without him distracting her further tonight she feared she would not be able to sleep so soon, because her thoughts were running wild about how she wanted to deal with all the new developments in her life.  
If she had been feeling suffocated throughout her day at the diVarese family home, some kind of still undefined rage boiling under the surface of her cool outer appearance, the moment she'd been talking to and flirting with Jay and been surrounded by her friends at Molly's she'd felt like herself again.

Not like that old dark cloud was hanging over her all the time, waiting to rain down on her.

* * *

Sunday late noon rolled around. When Jay woke up with a screaming headache he didn't know how he got into his bed and why he was feeling like he had screwed up big time.  
He had a vague recollection of his brother's face being here with him last night, but he wasn't sure about that. Had Will kissed him good-night? He felt like something weird had happened…  
Scrambling to get some clarity, he fished for his phone on the nightstand and scrolled threw his texts, wondering if they could give him a clue as to what the hell he'd gotten himself into.  
There was one from his brother, sent at 3 a.m. this morning:

**"You sure have a way with words, especially when you're drunk. Thanks for the update on your love-life. I should take you out for tequila more often. Makes getting infos easier. Hope you don't feel too awful in the morning, cheers XX!"**

Jay groaned out loud. Great! A conversation he was not looking forward to having in person…

There was a text from Adam that had some of the same content. He didn't even want to know what he'd been telling them last night, but it surely triggered some memories flooding back into his probably still intoxicated mind. How'd he gotten out of Mollys?

Another text was from Hailey, asking if he wanted to hit the gym together later. At the moment he thought he'd have to answer that with a STRICT: Definitely not!  
His insides were protesting against any sudden movement and he was afraid he might be sick any minute now.

He spotted a more recent message from earlier this morning. Jay almost dreaded opening it, because at seeing **her** name in the chats realization hit him what really went down last night and what was supposed to have been happening.

It was a picture of Rianne in bed with her cat curled up in a ball next to her pillow:

 _"Seems like somebody else took the chance to go home with me…_ :-) _Feel better!"_

"Fuck!" Jay wouldn't know why he would have blown his chances of hot sex by drinking too much and passing out beforehand. Probably the guys were to blame for that! He couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten that shit-faced and he felt that before passing out it had been fun to feel this light for once.

After he'd managed to get up although all of his body was refusing to, he took a semi-cold shower, drank like two liters of water and swallowed some pain meds.  
Laying down then on his couch with his naked feet propped up on the ledge, he tried to make amends:

**_"I am so mortified! Sorry for passing out like that. I will make it up to you, I promise!"_ **

He didn't have to wait too long until he got a reply:

_"Your loss, Límon snuggled up real nice next to me!"_

**_"Believe me: I feel I am at a double-loss. Remind me to never do shots with Ruzek and Atwater again unsupervised, my head is killing me!"_ **

_"Duly noted."_

**_"Were/Are you mad?"_ **

_"You already apologized multiple times last night. It's all good… So mad? No! Frustrated? A little!"_

**_"Maybe we can do something about that this week. I'll be in touch."_ **

_"You really better be!"_

**_"!"_ **


	13. One Of These Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I announced at the beginning of the story: it is loosely inspired by events of season 7, here's the part where everything began to get really difficult for Jay... I hope you have fun reading my take on things!
> 
> Chapter Title "One Of These Days" by Waldeck & Patrizia Ferrara

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne had been helping out Trudy at the farming project since before the weekend.  
Cleaning up the old factory area with the help of many volunteers had been going well for the last six months. DCFS had granted Rianne permission to summon some of her colleagues to lend a helping hand after-hours to get things done more quickly. Now they actually could start to get kids and teens here and teach them how to grow things from the ground up. To start off her week she had brought two kids along today she thought would be perfect for this sort of work and who would maybe find a place they could regularly come to and do something useful in their free time instead of getting into trouble on the streets.  
She had not expected to be running into Jay here as well. It seemed Trudy had spread the word throughout her department that every muscle was welcome. And Jay probably was the best candidate concerning that matter.

Looking at a kind of different Jay than the drunk one from two nights before, she couldn't help but be impressed once more by the way he carried himself: His arms were half bronzed and really white, where the hem of his olive t-shirt slightly rode up. With all those freckles and muscles, the veins showing on his arms, Rianne felt like she had another heat wave coming when she saw him carry sacks of soil over to Trudy. And then he stopped by her raised bed and stood really close behind her. Trudy wasn't really paying attention. At least it seemed like she wasn't.  
Rianne could feel the heat radiating from his body and held her breath, when Jay touched her back, keeping his face upright, acting as if he was just marveling at her work on the plants over here.

"Mrs. Torres Delgado…," he murmured.

"Detective Halstead…" she cleared her throat.

"Saves me a text bumping into you here actually. Feel like swinging by my place tonight? You look like you could use another shower after this," he slipped his fingers under the hem of her top and ran them in tiny circles over her back.

"I think my water pressure can just about keep up with yours…" Jay whispered just right behind her ear.

She hated him for making her feel totally at his mercy and that he was so smooth at placing innuendos like he just did, reflecting back to the last time they'd seen each other naked.

Even though they had talked about not keeping their fling or whatever this was a definite secret, it felt like they were doing something forbidden and inappropriate because this was a work environment.

Rianne shivered at his touch and watched out for who was watching them, before she turned into Jay, deliberately reaching behind him for some plants, making sure her body, especially her breasts, made full contact with his torso for a moment.  
When she looked up at his face she saw amusement there, making his lips twitch and laughter lines appear near his eyes. Every time she was amazed how that transformed his otherwise often sombre and serious features. It was fun to begin to understand and read his little signs and tells.

"Does someone want to make up for Saturday night?" she teased.

"If you let me?" His cheeks were a little flushed when he was reminded about that.

"I'd love to, but I'm not sure I can. I have this late seminar and don't know when I'll be off," she said in a low voice.

For a split second she saw disappointment flicker in his eyes, but before they could hash this out they were interrupted:

"Halstead! Get over here!"

Sergeant Platt, looking a bit out of character today in her wide working shirt and the sun hat called over to them:

"You have to help me spread some manure!"

"Oh crap!" Jay looked a little disgusted, stepping away from Rianne, leaving her feeling very cold all of a sudden.

"Yeah, it's turkey crap to be exact!" Platt loved to boss her boys around, but was kind of nice about it today.

She winked at Rianne who laughed out loud, catching a glance at Jay's shocked and not really delighted face when thinking about the prospect of digging into actual animal droppings.  
His radio began crackling thenand he immediately took it out from where it was attached to his belt and began turning on some knobs.

"Saved by the bell," he smiled and winked, looking not really too sorry.

He turned the radio to the right channel to be able to listen in more clearly. The voice on the other side reported shots fired just four blocks away in North Lawndale. Trudy told him how to get there when he looked at her questioningly. He nodded at both the women and turned away, ready to face a new case, all the flirtation and laughter wiped away. It was like a switch to working mode had been turned on. Little did they all know that the following hour should change several lives and especially Jay's in the long run.

Rianne watched him hurry away to his car, answering the radio call as he went and felt her heart pounding in her chest. Was this what it would look like if she kept doing this with him? Just one radio call away from possibly never getting to see him again? She felt her face loose color and tried to get back to work.

"So, I see that coffee break thing between you two went well..."

She should have known Trudy would not keep quiet about what she seemed to have been picking up from Jay's and Rianne's vibes.  
Rianne groaned and rolled her eyes at the older woman:

"Get outta here Trudy! If you still want help with that turkey crap you keep your comments to yourself. And by the way I am not paying you any match-making fees."

Platt just smiled knowingly and Rianne brushed off the anxiety that had threatened to well up inside of her.

* * *

_"Hey, just checking in. I don't know if this is something we do, but I heard what happened today when you answered that call. Hope you are doing okay…"_

She must have heard on the news or from someone else, as she was well connected in the city through her work. News like these traveled fast. Jay was tempted to beg her to call off her plans for the night and come see him. But he had to stay sharp and focused, being with her would just distract him and he felt in order to solve this case he had to keep his rage and anger bundled up together, so he'd be aggressive and decisive enough to do whatever was asked of him. He was frustrated that their suspect, delivered by the newest and not yet approved facial recognition system, hadn't cracked yet, even though he'd not been gentle with his interrogation. But at least they had someone in custody after just one day. He would get him to confess tomorrow, he would make sure of that.

Those two boys Jay had stumbled upon when he answered that call in the morning, had just been innocent kids, wrong place, wrong time. They'd been shot in the head at close range while they were playing a game of playstation at a gang stash-house. He could save another young boy who had been hiding in the bathroom-stall, just a wall away from where it all went down. Who on earth could be gruesome and ruthless enough to just shoot them because they could maybe tell someone about stolen goods or a drug deal gone wrong? They had just been kids. Nine years old. Jay had to suppress flashbacks to similar images that existed in his head. Images of the war, of other innocent children, caught between enemy lines.

**_"I'm okay."_ **

He texted, which of course was a damn lie, but he didn't know what else to say.

* * *

Rianne was on her way to the gardens again the next day, this time with a colleague of hers. When they passed the quarter where the shooting had taken place yesterday, Rianne noticed Jay's truck parked on the curb near the little community church.

"Wait, can you pull over here quickly? I'll just be a minute!" On impulse these words spilled out of her, she hadn't even thought this through.

Her colleague Martha was a little confused, but did as she was told and stayed in the car. Everybody knew that this was a street corner in steady hands of one of Chicago's gangs, so one had to tread carefully here.

Rianne jumped out of the vehicle and kept her eyes open.  
There was a beneficial car-wash going on. Obviously the people from the neighborhood were raising money for the proper burial of the boys that had been shot yesterday. Often these families couldn't afford something like that — it was a shame really. In front of the little church people had placed flowers, letters and candles, it was a sight of mourning and pain that gave her the creeps. Sadly not the first memorial sight she saw for children.  
First she recognized Atwater showing a picture around to bystanders. He waved at her when he saw her and raised his eyebrows in question, probably wondering why she was here as this was not her usual area of work. But when she mouthed "Jay?" at him from a distance, he nodded and pointed behind him. Jay was talking to some folks a few feet further down the street. Rianne gave Kevin the thumbs up and walked on, not really sure what she wanted to say once she had reached her destination.

Before she could though, Jay must have mysteriously sensed something in his back and turned around. He looked straight at her, surprised and stern. She could see he hadn't shaved and therefore was sporting more stubble than usual, dark shadows under his eyes and even deeper frown-lines on his forehead indicated that he hadn't been so okay at all. At least not that okay to be sleeping comfortably. She knew that face on herself all too well sometimes.  
He walked to her with three easy steps of his long legs clad in dark denim. She feared that this had been a terrible idea and that he would even be mad at her for coming here and disturb him while he was working, but it was not quite like that.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but…" she started holding her hands up to prevent a tirade from him, but he waved her off.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was on my way to the gardens with a colleague of mine and I saw your truck, I just - I don't know, I guess I needed to see for myself that you're okay."

Jay nervously looked around for who was watching them interact and then motioned to Kevin that he'd be somewhere. She couldn't figure out what their sign language meant exactly. Then he put his hand in her neck, gently making her walk along with him:

"Where's your car?"

"Over there…" she pointed in the direction of their company car with her colleague waiting for her in it.

Jay was in a rush and on a roll she noticed and felt even worse for coming here. This was something she had wanted to prevent from happening. She didn't want to care, but she could not seem to stop it. The only thing keeping her from feeling completely stupid was that Jay's thumb had brushed against her skin a few times while he was steering her away from the scene. When they were halfway back to the car and finally behind some truck and a house entrance that shielded them from view Jay stopped and his expression softened a bit:

"Look, I appreciate your concern and I'm sorry for being so short with you yesterday by text, but there's a lot at stake here and I can't be distracted. And you're a big distraction!" He tried to smile apologetically and Rianne felt like the clingy girlfriend she never wanted to be.

She wasn't even his girlfriend…

"I get that and I am so sorry. I don't know why, but I had this bad feeling…," she trailed off when suddenly Jay's hand cupped her cheek:

"It's okay, really. I don't think anything less of you right now!"

She frowned at him, not really sure what he meant by that. Sensing her confusion he elaborated:

"Don't spin this in the: 'I don't wanna be clingy so next time I'll back up even more and pretend that I couldn't care less about what and how this guy is doing' thing… I can see the wheels in your head spinning right now! I just don't wanna get you mixed up into this. And everyone here has their eyes out on what the police is doing and I don't want them to know you're associated to me. Just in case this goes sideways, and gang stuff more often than not does."

She couldn't do anything but look at him dumbfounded. Why did he figure out what she was thinking? This wasn't even the first time he'd been right about her…  
Reminding herself to keep breathing she managed to not blush like a teenager because she felt so exposed.  
Jay thankfully didn't have more time to spare and decided to just quickly kiss her on the spot where his hand had been holding her face and murmur an:

"I'll call you as soon as this is over and don't worry," near her ear.

When she joined her colleague in the car again Rianne was not really less worried about Jay. She didn't really know why exactly she had that uneasy feeling, as he certainly had seen more of these cases than he could count and had been dealing with them on his own, but something turned her stomach into knots about this.

"Are you dating that hunk?"

Martha asked and winked at her. Rianne quickly had to remind herself to not go off on her, because it felt absurdly inappropriate right now to be making small talk, but how could she know what was going through her mind?

"I don't really know yet…" she answered honestly and watched Jay's back disappear through her window when they drove off again.


	14. Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - definite M rating! May contain some triggers.
> 
> Chapter Title "Ghost" by Badflower

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

"Jay, for once in your life — just let it be." Voight's words rung in his ears, the taste of bourbon still bitter on his tongue.

His heart was beating out of his chest when he went to get into his car to drive home. Then he stared at the steering wheel for what felt like hours, unable to move. Inside of him there were so many undefined, indescribable feelings battling to be heard and dealt with, but he couldn't get a real hold of them. At least not yet. In addition to this he was afraid that once he really opened up this pandora's box he would not be able to stop the downwards spiral of feelings he was well accustomed to. His mobile vibrated in his jeans-pocket, once he got it out he noticed that his hands were slightly shaking, a knot in his chest making it hard for him to breathe.  
It was Hailey:

"Hey, you all right?" The concerned voice of his partner greeted him.

"Yeah, I am going to be." He knew she knew he wasn't, but he was not in the mood to talk about it.

"Do you need me to come check on you?"

"I don't think so Hailey, I just wanna be alone right now."

She was silent on the other end of the line. He knew this was not what she had wanted to hear, but she let him be for now. Jay closed his eyes, feeling worse for shutting her out. He felt like he didn't deserve her concern.

"Okay, call me if you need anything – I will call you in the morning anyway."

"Yeah, thanks. You have a good-night." He hung up and found he knew exactly where he wanted to be right now.

Like on autopilot he started the motor and drove off to Streeterville.

* * *

"Can you get that?" Nate exclaimed from the couch, where he and some friends were watching the game and getting into second and third rounds of beer and bourbon.

Rianne, curious as to who could knock on their door at this time, did as she was asked. When she took a peek through the spy on their door she was surprised to find Jay standing there in a plain black henley shirt, looking sexy as ever, if a little lost, maybe even unsure of himself. She wondered for a second how he had gotten through security downstairs, but then he was a cop with a badge, so…

Rianne found he was the opposite of unsure of what he was doing here. As soon as she opened the door, she only got as far as to say:

"Hi, what..." and then she was being backed into the doorframe and attacked by his lips that landed hard on her mouth.

Jay kissed her in that passionate and desperate way she was familiar with by now, hell she even did it herself the other way around.  
A little voice inside her head told her she should be careful around him this time, but was so turned on in an instant, that she didn't want to listen to it. The raw tension between them was burning wholes into her whole body. She had banned any thoughts of worry about him from her mind since she saw him on scene on Tuesday and hadn't even realized that it was seriously stressing her body out. Rianne just now felt some weight was being lifted from her at the pure fact he finally came to see her. Hell-bent on continuing this inside, Jay began pushing her into the hallway. She firmly put both of her hands on his chest and pushed him back a bit.

"I'm sorry, but we can't..."

"Why the hell not?"

Only now he really looked at her and Rianne had a moment to take in his swollen lips, his disheveled hair where she had grabbed him just seconds ago and a look in his eyes she couldn't quite fathom. It was somewhere between wont and yearning, disappointment and impatience and something else. Rage, sadness, desperation?

"Nate's having a guys night in and there's only so much room for privacy in this loft." And she didn't feel comfortable enough with this whole situation to rub it into Nate's face right now.

"Okay, then... come back to my place?"

And when she didn't agree to this right away because she was a little confused by the need in his voice, he reached out his hand to cup her chin and make her look into his eyes:

"Please, I need this – I really need you. I can't be alone tonight."

The urgency in his demeanor gave her the creeps and some goose bumps. Jay had never actually asked anything of her up until now.

Finally she nodded, signaled for him to wait at the door, while she got her stuff and gave Nate a heads-up. He frowned a bit when she told him where she was going. She knew that he wasn't too happy about her fooling around with Jay. His eyes told her that he wasn't sure if this was such a good idea, but he didn't say so in front of his friends. But she didn't want to lie to him and for once in the last two years of living together she didn't really want to care what Nate thought was best.

Preparing for everything and nothing at the same time, Rianne took her own car and followed Jay back to his place. There was something going on with him, she was sure of it, but tried to remember: She wasn't his therapist! It must have something to do with the case Intelligence had been working non-stop for the last days.  
She didn't even get a chance to ask why he didn't want to be alone tonight when they got to his place and neither did she get to take in how he lived although she was curious for sure.

Jay seemed to be hell-bound on calling the shots. He hadn't said a single word to her since they'd arrived at his building, just kept their bodies close all the time, making sure they didn't loose contact for a single moment, man-handeling her into his territory.  
In the beginning it was fine by her. She was all for a rough and tumble canoodling, especially since it had been a while.  
Jay rid them of all of their clothes in mere seconds after entering his living area, all the time covering her with feverish kisses and running his fingers through her hair. Rianne still was fully on board when he walked them into his kitchen, grabbed her arms and turned her around so that she was facing his kitchen counter. He made sure she was ready to go, before he quickly positioned himself at her entrance, pushed her upper body down on the cool worktop and thrust into her determinedly.  
Rianne enjoyed how he pounding into her with a force that she hadn't experienced before got her feeling ecstatic and turned on, full of him and under his control. But the longer Jay held her down the louder that voice in her head screamed that something was completely off. Once she'd managed to bend her body so that she could take a look at his face, she knew she wanted to stop. Until now Jay had never been grim looking and silent during sex, his eyes normally bright and full of passion, not dead somehow.  
Something wasn't right and panic spread through her. She was used to some detachment between them, but not to this extent, not while doing **this!** She wasn't feeling any emotional connection to him right now.

"Jay? Jay! Please, slow down!"

When he didn't react right away, adrenaline joined the bad feeling that had taken over, and she tried to free herself from the grip he had on her shoulder and waist. He seemed to be far away, not really registering her increasing resistance. She knew she had been able to fight him one time, but that had been different. It had been for fun, this was no fun anymore:

"Jay! Stop it!"

Trying not to freak out, she took a deep breath and pushed herself off of the counter with every piece of strength she could gather, managed to get closer to his body and elbow him in the ribs, not caring how hard she hit him in the process. Taking advantage of the moment he loosened his grip on her, Rianne duck away sideways, turned to face him and pushed against his chest with all her might.  
Jay stumbled two steps backwards, but immediately grabbed her by her elbows forcefully, holding her in place for a second, staring at her as if he wanted to keep fighting her. A heartbeat later he let her go immediately like someone who just put his hands on a hot stove and noticed his flesh was burning. Rianne was breathing heavily, ready to hit him again. She didn't get scared easily, but his change of demeanor right here did. Then she registered the expression on Jay's face.

"Sorry, I … fuck! I, I am so sorry," he stammered, running his hands over his face, looking at her and through the room incredulously, as if he was waking up from a bad dream.

He seemed torn between reaching out to her to apologize and backing up into the far away corner of the kitchen like a hurt animal.  
It was kind of ridiculous, standing here in the middle of the kitchen, stark naked and heaving with a ton of emotions. But instead of legging it out of here and leaving him alone in this weird mood, she found she couldn't.  
It was suddenly so quiet, and for a second they were just caught into a staring match, the sound of heavy breathing the only thing to be heard.

What the hell had she gotten herself into with this man? What had just happened?

* * *

Jay was frozen in place, although he wanted to do so many things at the same time.

He wanted to wrap her into his arms, tell her he was sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt her and that he was simply a mess and needed help. On the other hand he would have liked nothing more than to make a quick get-away, naked or not, just leave this situation and all the guilt he felt on so many levels right now. Create another situation he could feel guilty about, it was like he was collecting those throughout his life.  
Maybe it would be better for her to get out of here, away from him before he destroyed her too with all the drama that seemed to follow him around.  
Before he could make a decision on how to unfreeze himself and clean up this mess one way or another, her voice caught his attention.  
As usual she had gotten herself back together pretty quickly, quicker than he could, although there was no denying the emotional state she was in.  
Her voice was steady, but raised, as if she was talking to a child who had just done something really bad:

"Look, I'm all for rough sex if it's for fun, but this feels like something serious is going on with you and you're not really here with me now. And I don't like that and am kind of freaking out here. I am not some common whore you can just fuck any way you want to make you feel better."

She began to search the floor for something to wear and grabbed her own panties and a shirt. Jay registered that it was his and for a brief moment was relieved to have some kind of assurance she might not be planning on leaving right now. He really did not want her to go he noticed, he wouldn't know what to do alone with himself.

She threw his boxers at him: "Put these on – I can't talk to you with your freakin' cock on sight."

He didn't argue, he did as she told him, he didn't know what else to do. Jay still felt like he didn't get enough air, shaking all over and only hanging on to a small portion of control. As he did not say anything Rianne all the more kicked into action-mode. She went and opened his fridge, took out a beer for herself, then went over to his kitchen window and opened it.  
Suddenly the room wasn't so quiet anymore, the city noise of Chicago at night being let in.  
The cool air caused his skin to crawl and even though his lungs seemed to be filling with slightly more oxygen the shaking and shivering increased, a sob escaping his throat and mouth. He felt hot and cold at the same time. His feet would not carry his weight anymore, so he slumped down the wall of his kitchen island and found himself crying.  
First they were silent and angry tears and then all the despair and guilt he had tried to gulp down drinking bourbon with Voight before, surfaced again. There was no stopping the panicky breathing, the sobs and loud cries coming out of him. He wanted it to stop so bad, because this was embarrassing, but he just couldn't.

When he felt a body crouching down before him and wrap strong but soft arms around his head, he held on for dear life.  
Rianne's voice kept making shushing and soothing sounds at him, but he was out of control, not a man of logic and reason anymore. That guilt wave rolled over him and didn't let himself surface for a long time.  
Jay kept screaming the same things at her over and over again, but she didn't bother answering. These questions were not for her to answer. These questions were his questions at the world. He was out of his mind and nothing could reach him. Why did he let this happen? Why did he have to take such drastic actions? Why did he trust a technique that wasn't yet approved and based his case on that? Why couldn't he catch a break? He'd been so full of hope and happy a few days ago. Why did he behave like a douchebag with the woman he had sought comfort from?

"Jay, breathe and look at me!" He registered her saying after a while.

Jay didn't even know if it was the first time she said that or if she had been talking to him for some time now. Rianne managed to free herself from his death grip on her and sat down on his lap, taking his face in both of her hands, making him look up at her:

"Tell me what happened to you!"

She patiently waited for him to open up and after what he'd done to her before, he felt he owed her a real explanation as to why he was so upset and couldn't handle himself. Jay knew he wasn't allowed to give up the details of their investigations normally, but screw this. Her blue eyes were soft on him, but pained and a tear rolled down her cheek as well.  
So he told her.

He told her all about his last four days of horror ever since he stumbled upon those two poor boys.  
Finding their killer had been such a priority to him that he'd blown through every stop sign of reasonable police work. How the realization that he probably got the wrong guy the longer they looked into the case hit him like a brick in the stomach, how then his world crumbled even more when that wrong guy, that he had put in prison to get a confession and a conviction, had been attacked there. First he'd been in a coma, then finally he died because of his brain injury. An innocent man…  
Because of the unorthodox ways his sergeant still resorted to sometimes, the real killer had been beaten to death by the gang in the meantime and gotten his rightful punishment, but for the whole city Marcus West was the felon who had gotten what he deserved in prison. A supposed child-killer! It was all over the news, the police department of Chicago a heroic example of quick work. It made him feel even sicker to play along to these games of politics instead of sticking to the truth.  
It was their fault ultimately, why had they trusted a new, not yet approved, technique over police groundwork in the first place?

"I hear you. I am really sorry this went so terribly wrong. But you can't fuck away your trouble, your guilt..."

Rianne still held him, even pressed her forehead to his while she was saying this.  
He felt too embarrassed and terrible about what had happened to really look at her. Of course he knew sex wasn't the answer to his problems. He had found out the hard way when he came back from Afghanistan. Funny how one resorted to the same coping strategies over and over again. He hadn't wanted to use her.

"I didn't want to hurt you - I am not that guy…" he urgently wanted to get across.

She nodded at him, wiping the dampness from his face with her thumbs: "I know you're not!"

They were quiet for a little while, Jay still couldn't move.

"You're fucking cold Jay, let's run you a bath and get you into bed!"Rianne stated when she ran her hands along his arms.

As he found he could not really act on his own and she noticed that, she handled him. Pulling him up with her she took his hand and quickly found her way around his apartment. As it wasn't that big there weren't so many possibilities where his bathroom could be. This was not the luxurious, roomy home like hers, but tonight he couldn't care less about optics. Hell she was still here instead of running for the hills. This must count for something at least.

There was nothing sexy about it when she ran him a bath, made him get in and carefully washed his hair and body while sitting on the ridge of his bathtub. If he hadn't been feeling so numb he surely would have protested that he could do this himself, but right now he just let it happen. Afterwards she wrapped him in a towel and steered him into his bedroom, where he managed to get into some sweatpants on his own.

When his body hit the mattress he felt like he hadn't slept in years, heavy and wiped out. Anyway Jay feared that he might not be able to sleep, because days and cases like this were prone to get his nightmares and PTSD to flare up again. So he was glad when Rianne climbed into the bed too and just lay down next to him waiting for him to fall asleep, watching over him. And eventually he surprisingly did…


	15. Fracture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Fracture" by Matthew Harris

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne hadn't intended to fall asleep in Jay's bed.

But once they had both calmed down and talked about everything that was on Jay's mind that night, they had snuggled up against one another. She'd been running her fingers through Jay's soft hair, his face pressed tightly into the crook of her neck, until his breathing had become deeper and more even. His body had twitched a few times as if he was fighting sleep, but finally his strong grip on her had loosened and she knew he was a goner. Rianne's own eyelids had felt like stones, she wasn't able to hold up any longer. Her whole body had been so heavy, she couldn't lift a single finger. All that craziness and unexpected turn of events had worn her out.

He was in so much pain, it went right through her too. When Jay told her what happened to Marcus West and his involvement on how it had all turned out for that innocent man, her heart felt that weight he would carry around with him. From now on for the rest of his life! This was not something one could just wipe away and be done with. Not a jacket he could shrug out of and toss aside. Jay was cursing himself for having been too quick to judge, too quick to take drastic action because he wanted justice for those poor boys so badly. The image of two innocent children being killed in cold blood while just playing a game of playstation imprinted before his eyes. She understood how that must have been for him. Too many times she'd been tempted to not do things by the books, because far too often children, too young or too weak to fend for themselves, were victims of grown-ups that should just get their shit together.

In a way Rianne was angry with herself that she hadn't turned away from this fast enough. By not asking Jay that many personal questions until now she had tried to keep him at arms-length. She had no problem sharing stories about her life, her past. Letting him near her sexually wasn't the real problem either. But she knew the more she learned about him, what kind of a person he was, the deeper she cared, the deeper her feelings for him would grow. He should have stayed a riddle to her, a bit of a stranger. This night had not at all gone according to plan, if there ever had been one. He was getting under her skin, deep. And she was afraid that she would not be able to walk away so easily without hurting herself.

The next thing she knew, bright daylight was falling through the windows in Jay's bedroom. It was simple she recognized now, not really much decorations, comfortable, functional. And very tidy. She'd noticed that of the other rooms she'd seen yesterday in passing as well. They were all kinds of spotless. Maybe that was an army thing or he had a cleaning lady.  
Frightened, because she didn't want this to be awkward, she jolted upright, searching for an alarm clock or her phone, to get the time. But she couldn't, being hauled in Jay's arms like she was.  
While her mind was racing, contemplating how she should play this and cover up her accidental sleepover, she had carefully made it halfway out of the bed, when Jay's arm shot out from behind her again und pulled her back in.

She couldn't flinch away, because he held her down pretty tight and began nuzzling her neck with his nose. Rianne just closed her eyes shut and inwardly grimaced. How stupid of her, this was bad! Maybe Jay was still sleeping and had grabbed her unconsciously, so that she could make her silent get-away and act as if nothing happened anyway, but no such luck.  
The moment she tried to gently pry his arm from her a second time, keeping her eyes shut, as if that would help, she heard Jay chuckle softly and nudge her butt with his knee:

"Did you just try to do a runner on me?"

"Maybe..." she winced; kind of embarrassed she got caught and still nervous because she couldn't guess what time it was. Maybe she was already late for work.

"Don't sweat it, I won't tell anyone. And it doesn't mean we have to get married now." He still laughed sleepily then abruptly stopped, probably realizing her stiffen in his arms.

Rianne took a deep breath. A certain amount of intimacy like this still got her agitated and ready to run for the hills. Right now though she told herself to stop being such a pussy about this. She could sleep over at his place, she was a grown woman, they'd had sex before and things hadn't gotten awkward. At least not for long.  
Jay had been in a very bad state yesterday so it would not have been very human and caring to just walk out on him in the middle of the night, not sure if he would be okay in the morning. Rianne dared herself to turn around in his arms and look at him. Big mistake! Looking at his sleepy face with pillow lines on his cheeks and the best bedhead she'd seen in a long time, she was instantly filled with tenderness and couldn't resist running her fingers over his light stubble.

"Are you feeling better?"

"You tell me: Did we sleep through he night?" Jay brushed one of her curls behind her ear and then rubbed some sleep from his eyes.

"You fell asleep and then I did too and I did not wake up once during the night. I don't know about you."

"Then I think I must be feeling better. I can't remember to have been up after crying all over you," he said it with a sad smile, failing at making light of the situation.

For a minute they were both quiet, checking out and trying to read the other's face. What did last night change for them? She had to admit that she'd slept pretty well, even if this was a foreign bed, and a man she had never shared a duvet with. Normally she needed her own bedcover to get comfortable, but it seemed that Jay and her had slept so close that one was more than enough.

"Seriously though: I guess Voight is right: You have to let it be, Jay. Or this will eat you alive."Rianne finally stated, somehow professional about this.

"Yeah, I know… but I guess I can't right away."

Jay was playing with the bracelets on her right wrist, not looking at her. When she reached out to run her finger along his brows he managed to meet her gaze:

"I will be fine though, you know?" This was his attempt to reassure her.

She tried to estimate if he was lying to her. But she couldn't see anything beyond remorse, shame and still a lot of guilt in his face.

Suddenly she got herself distracted, because a little voice inside her head and some inner nervousness told her that she was forgetting something important. Then it hit her, she grabbed Jays upper arm in shock:

"Shit, what day is it?"

"Friday? Why?" Jay looked at her, confused at her sudden panic.

"Fuck, I am supposed to meet Stella at Lake Michigan at seven."

Jay turned and took a look at his cell phone that he somehow had been organized enough to put on his nightstand: "It's like 6.20!"

"Shit, shit, shit!" Rianne jumped out of the bed, realizing she hadn't much time to spare if she didn't want to be too late.

From where Jay lived to the meeting point with Stella she needed a good 15-20 minutes if traffic wasn't so bad. She knew off hand because Sylvie Brett lived in this area too and she had been to visit her place a few times.

"You wouldn't happen to be so nice as to lend me some back-up clothes? Because if I fall in to the water today I have nothing respectable to go to work in after."

"What the hell are you doing at Lake Michigan at the crack of dawn?" Jay went to get out of bed too, looking at her like she was a bit crazy.

"Stand-Up-Paddle Yoga!" She did say that with full confidence as if everybody was doing it.

"What?" Jay couldn't help but shake with real laughter, clutching his naked stomach.

"What!?" Rianne scowled at him and was a bit offended, because he couldn't stop shaking with giggles for a whole while.

"We're doing this every Friday morning, if Stella isn't on shift and I can clear my morning at work. It's clearing, relaxing and … refreshing if you're not well-balanced and fall off your board."

"It's just…" Jay tried to compose himself and walked to her, hands held high in defense:

"I always ask myself who these people are that are into such things every time I happen to see them on the lake. Now I know… figures…"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just… of all of the bias I had about you: this fits. But it's okay, everyone has their little spleen I think…," he was still chuckling mildly.

And even if she found she loved his goofy laugh and that he could forget his troubles for a moment and found her hobby so amusing, she shoved him, calling him out:

"Jerk! I bet your idea of relaxing is running around a golf course or something bourgeois like that!"

* * *

Of course they found her something to wear. Jay provided one of his long sleeves in addition to a shirt and some of his boxers, because his sport shorts were a little too big for her. Rianne looked absurdly cute in his clothes, the shirts way too long, but she could pull it off, tying a knot into the front. Even in more plain clothes than her usual ones, she looked special to him.  
Jay couldn't help but pull her close and wrap her into his arms, not caring if she thought this was too intimate and cuddly. He was thankful for her staying the night and not leaving in the middle of his breakdown and that she would still let him touch her. That she didn't look at him like he was a total head-case.

"Thanks for putting up with me! It was not my brightest moment…" he murmured into her hair.

Jay was upset with himself for hurting her and not keeping it together. The fact that he was still guilty of putting away the wrong man and getting him killed didn't miraculously go away either as of this morning.

"It's okay, really. You just owe me one major orgasm I think!" She quickly pecked his cheek and then escaped his embrace, gathered her things and headed for the door.

Letting her leave this way wasn't an option Jay's gut quickly decided, so he caught up with her halfway again and held her back. This woman really brought it out in him, getting physical all the time. He normally was more distanced and not so impulsively handsy.

Maybe he was being paranoid and her making light of the situation and a quick exit was owed to her being late for her yoga lesson and a try to cheer him up; not wanting to add to the weight of last night still hanging in the air. But he began to catch on to her patterns and tells. To him it felt like she was slipping away. His clothes on her were not a good enough insurance that she'd be back.  
Having her back pressed against his naked chest, one arm slung around her waist and his other around her shoulders, he breathed her in and thought he could hear her heart beating just as fast as his was.  
Jay didn't like to be the one to define this, but somehow he felt it was time he made his intentions clearer. Or at least clear that he didn't want this to end. Fear of having scared her away with his breakdown last night was creeping in.

"Rianne?"

"Yeah?" She froze in his embrace, like an animal caught in a trap, obviously not knowing wether she could and should flee.

It somehow pained him to feel like she was afraid of what he might say.

"If we continue doing this, don't try to disappear on me?"

When she didn't reply right away he continued:

"Or would you rather like to just fuck and then one of us leaves, because this is just sex? I think I need to know that much."

"I don't know. Is it? Isn't it? We haven't put a label on it and we don't have to. I don't want to assume anything…Wouldn't you have left if we'd stayed at my place yesterday?"

"I would have stayed if you'd let me... because I think this is obviously more than just a one-night-stand. I am not counting! I don't want it to end… No pressure, but if you want to keep avoiding sleepovers please tell me, because it kinda makes me feel cheap. And if you want out you have to say so!"

* * *

Hailey hadn't heard from Jay for the rest of the night, which was not surprising.  
Nonetheless she knew he took the events surrounding their latest case pretty hard and she was worried. So she'd decided to pick him up for work in the morning, maybe talk a bit on their way to the station.

She'd grabbed two strong espresso's on her way over to Wicker Park and was just about to get out of her car, when she saw someone hurry from his house:  
Female, approximately in her 30's. Hailey took a closer look and saw Jay leaning out of his window on the third floor, no shirt, waving her off before closing the window again. The woman had her hair up in a messy bun, a scarf wrapped around her head. Hailey knew exactly who that was and didn't know how she felt about it. Yes, she had told Jay to give her a chance and to make up his mind what he wanted to have with her. But then the subject hadn't come up anymore in the meantime. That night at Molly's last weekend she had guessed that they had developed something but hadn't asked any questions about it.  
Rianne was no Camila, this was for sure. But maybe she was an Erin. Someone who would disappear on him after she had made him fall in love with her. And although Hailey sort of liked the other woman, she always felt so protective of Jay. She didn't want to see him and his big heart get hurt over and over again. Hailey had put a hell of a lot of time, comforting and effort into the well-being of this man, she was not going to sit idly by and watch it all go to waste over a female yet again. Only problem was that she didn't know how she could keep it from happening.

Hailey waited a good ten minutes before she called her partner to say she was waiting for him downstairs.

* * *

"Oh wow, is someone doing the walk of shame this morning?" Stella whispered when Rianne tried to sneak into the already ongoing yoga session on the lake without raising too much attention to her.

This was a little hard to achieve, when she still had to climb on her board in the water and everybody else already was meditating on theirs.

"No - why?" Rianne whispered back at her friend while trying to check what pose they currently were at.

"Don't try to fool me. You're never late to this session and you're definitely wearing a men's shirt and… are these boxers underneath?"

"Yeah, alright fine - I accidentally spent the night at Jay's and I was late for our meeting, so I didn't have time to get my usual outfit from home. And I need my yesterday clothes to go in to the office after, dry and presentable! Why are you smiling like that?"

"No reason, you just look so different…"

Their conversation was cut short due to scolding glances from the other participants of the class. Stella was barely keeping her concentration because of the big fat smile on her face and the urge to grill Rianne about details of that first "sleepover" right now.

To her disappointment there wasn't any time to talk afterwards, because Rianne had a work related meeting she had to get to. Stella wasn't sure if her girl was okay. Normally she would have made a comment on how her night had been, but she kept very tight-lipped about that.  
With Rianne that could mean everything and nothing. Stella would leave her to mull it over on her own and come to her to talk when she felt like it. Some people had the tendency to handle her with extra care, but Stella knew Rianne was a strong woman and not just the victim of a tragedy. Maybe she could relate to that so much because of her own history of tragic life experiences. It was possible not to break underneath it all and come out stronger on the other side, every time.

* * *

Jay's phone chirped with a new message once Hailey and him had arrived at the station a little after 8.  
He told Hailey to go ahead so that he had some privacy to look at the text or whatever it was. Up in the bullpen there were really too many nosy and gossipy co-workers present.

Rianne had sent a picture, a selfie of her still in his clothes, seemingly all dry, even her hair looked the same.

_"Almost got your stuff wet, but I managed to get myself balanced out. Actually thinking of going to work this way - Jay Halstead serious style…"_

She had attached a second picture, mimicking an exaggerated facial expression like she supposedly had seen on him. He had to laugh at that one.

_" **I think I accidentally gave you one of my favorite shirts. So I am gonna need this back."**_

_"No way, I am keeping it for now ! It's comfy."_

He had to admit he liked the idea of his clothes on her, he didn't even know why exactly. Jay could see that she was typing and stopping and typing again. He wondered what could take so long to say, but when he finally got the message his heart did a little somersault. It was like the clouds in his head were pushed away momentarily to let a little light shine through:

_"Sorry I was too chicken to say something this morning, so here goes: The last thing I want is for you to feel cheap, because you are anything but! So I am gonna try to get over my shit. For now I can safely say: I don't want out! I have to admit though: It's scary and freaking intense…"_

After he'd sort of put his feelings out in the open in the apartment that morning, Rianne had just nodded and kissed him passionately, not really answering any of his questions, leaving him confused. So her circling back on the topic counted for something:

**_"I'm glad you feel that way. You scare me shitless too! Talk soon, have to get my ass into work now."_ **

_"Cut yourself some slack guapo! Maybe you should have taken the day off!"_

**_"I'm afraid I can't do that, I need to keep busy…"_ **

_"I know! Take care of yourself anyway! Pretty please :-* !"_

* * *

Again Rianne felt like a freaking teenager, having pressed sent to all those words and that kiss-emoji that she feared would get her into trouble.  
Que estúpido! He'd been brave enough to let her see into some really dark parts of his soul and she was suddenly afraid to admit she didn't wanna quit, although things were getting a little more complicated and closer than before. Who was she kidding? Things had never been "uncomplicated" concerning their history, their connection through friends and work and their respective pasts.

However, it was different than before last night. She'd contemplated telling Stella about what had happened yesterday, but in the end decided against it.  
Suddenly there was this dimension that was only between her and Jay. Where no one was allowed and no one got a say. What they had shared was private and telling anyone about it felt like she was betraying his trust. So Rianne wouldn't and felt confident that she could carry this with him on her own, if he wanted her to.


	16. I See You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "I See You" by MISSIO

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Jay had found himself struggling time and time again with what happened to Marcus West in the following week. His guilty conscience was eating him alive, no matter how hard he tried to bury it.

His sleeping disorder was flaring up again, of course it was.  
Because he didn't want to resort to taking medication, cause it was usually making him drowsy and tired the next day too, he kept exhausting himself with work and physical exercise **after** work and mostly took more than one nightcap of bourbon to take the edge off. He was extremely thankful for the Intelligence workload once again and that there wasn't a day going by he got to leave at a reasonable hour.  
Even though she got a full plate at work as well, Rianne had been checking in with him regularly, shooting him a text, popping by the station for a quick coffee-break or meeting him on his running route one morning. That had been a one-time experiment though because she claimed there was not a single competitive bone inside of her that would aid her to even **try** to keep up with his fitness-level.  
He appreciated that she tried to be there for him and didn't give him the impression she now thought he was a complete mess. Still Jay managed to feel guilty about her maybe feeling obligated to keep him from falling over the edge, after having witnessed his breakdown last week. They never saw each other at night though. Part of him would have wanted Rianne to sleep over at his place or crash at hers **every** night to just have someone to hold on to. But he felt this was still a barrier between them he didn't want to push for that reason alone. And in addition to the time frame problem he didn't fully trust himself at the moment.

Instead when he went to sleep Jay kept hearing Marcus scream at him:

"It ain't me man, I told you it ain't me!" It was hard to forget the look on that man's face when Jay had left him at county. It was haunting him.

On an impulse he visited his graveside, one week after his death.  
Jay wanted to pay his respects, promising himself that he would not ever forget what he had caused. How quickly one false move could change not only one, but several lives forever...  
He didn't even have to fake the tears. They were falling the second he took in Marcus' name on the simple cross placed on his freshly heaped up grave. It was like the reality of this, of his actions, hit him square in the face once more. Hoping no one was watching him Jay knelt down at the graveside and ran his fingers along the inscription, silently apologizing that he got it all so wrong.

"Hey, you! What do you think you're doing here?"

Jay turned around nervously. A black woman in her 30s stood behind him, a thin little boy next to her, staring at him like the invader he was. He knew from Marcus' file that this were his wife and kid.  
Trying to reign in his sudden rapid heartbeat and control the urge to fall down on his knees and beg for their forgiveness, Jay looked Angela Nelson in the eyes for a minute. Then he stood up from the ground and walked over to them. Before he could really stop himself he said:

"I'm sorry, but I knew him. He was a good man. I'm Jim by the way, nice to meet you!"

She tentatively reached for his outstretched hand and shook it, a thousand questions written all over her face.

* * *

Rianne climbed out of the water soaking wet and was hurrying up to her camper to get changed into something dry, when she noticed a familiar truck parked a few feet away from it in the lot. Jay was leaning against the hood, denim legs crossed cooly and holding two cups of steaming coffee. He walked up to her when she got near, smiling cheekily:

"I just needed to see for myself if this is really what you are doing every Friday morning!"

"So, you thought you'd swing by and spy on me?"

"Just a stop for coffee and a quick peek… Seems like you could use something hot. That water must be freezing cold this early in the morning!" He motioned to her wet figure.

"Oh, how thoughtful of you! It's actually not that bad, makes for a fresh start in the day!"

She shook out her wet hair in his direction, before she put her board and paddle into one hand and arm and reached for the offered coffee:

"I **feel** just maybe Mr. Mistrust was on a roll again and now you feel bad because you erroneously thought I was lying to get out of your bed last Friday!"

"You're crazy! That would have been a pretty complex lie. And you said you're not good at that anyway…"

She shrugged her shoulders and greedily took a sip of the hot beverage, smiling appreciatively after: "Oh wow, this is really good."

"Cappuccino, extra espresso shot, tiny bit of sugar, full fat milk."

"You remembered. I am impressed with your skills Detective Halstead."

"You're welcome! I am afraid I have an agenda though…"

"Yeah… and which one would that be?"

Rianne was a bit surprised when he just smiled, reached out to touch her cheek, for the whole wide world to see and leaned in to kiss her softly. Afterwards he lingered a little bit longer, just looking at her face which made her kind of nervous. That show of public affection sure had been a first. Her usually witty tongue failed her for a moment.

"I was hoping you would forgive me that I had to cancel on lunch yesterday and that we generally haven't had any real 'alone' time together…" He still held her close to him, even though she was getting his clothes all wet too.

"Jay, we agreed we would keep seeing each other, but I was not expecting you to call and see me everyday. So, we're all good! But you can keep bringing me coffee if it somehow eases your conscience. I will not complain!"

"Yeah, I know. And I know you can just as well get by without any of this as you keep hinting but I feel after what happened I…"

"Stop it, please! We've been over this. I am not the poor little girl that's going to get broken by this and I will decide for myself how much I can handle! I can relate to how you felt that night and I really hope you're doing better now! You don't have to keep making amends. By the way you'll know when I am mad at you for neglecting me!"

"I get the feeling I will…" Rianne was glad he cracked a genuine smile and didn't look quite so contrite anymore.

"I should get myself dried off…" she hinted at her wet clothes, because she was beginning to slightly shiver in the fresh morning breeze.

"Yeah, of course. And I should go pick up Kim."

"Thanks for the coffee Officer, have a good day!"

"You too!" He didn't kiss her goodbye like she had expected he would, he just squeezed her waist softly.

Sometimes he was difficult to get. Annoyed because she got the feeling he was testing the grounds with her to see how she would react and beat her at her own game, she groaned a bit in his back. Mostly because she just could not let him go like that. Rianne let her board fall to the ground, put down her precious cup of coffee next to it and ran up to Jay who had already put a few long strides between them. Rianne reached for his hand from behind, tugged at it and made him turn around again.  
He wore a broad smile on his lips. Bastard! So he really **was** doing this on purpose!

"You forgot something?" He even had the audacity to wink at her.

Pulling him closer with her arms around his lean waist, getting him even wetter, she leaned up to him on her toes to give his lips a proper goodbye. If only kissing this man wasn't so much fun!

"You did that on purpose to smoke me out!" She bit his lip a little before she let him go.

It was good to see a bit of the usual sexy sparkle in his green eyes when he answered her:

"Mission accomplished then, wouldn't you say?" He kissed her again, still a bit tamer than he normally did, but nonetheless knee-buckling enough for her taste.

"My work schedule is a nightmare at the moment and I have picked up a few shifts at Molly's next week too. But if you want you could swing by and stay until closing? And don't get wasted before last call this time… if you get the hint…" Pushing her hands under his jacket and shirt she was able to reach a little bit of naked skin on his back, making him shudder at the sudden skin-on-skin contact because of her cold hands.

"Sounds perfect…" he answered hoarsely and with one last peck on her lips Jay made his way to his truck.

* * *

"Hm… If this is what: 'it's just sex' looks like, then I definitely had the wrong understanding of that term until now…" Stella mused when she approached Rianne after Jay had left, smiling and waving at them both before he got into his car.

Rianne had been staring after him dreamily before her friend addressed her and put an arm around her shoulder.  
Just hearing about it was different from actually seeing these two together. Everything about them screamed: Major crush! Even if Rianne had claimed that this was not a relationship! Right…

"Yeah… He came to apologize because he has had so little time this week…" Rianne said incredulously.

"Good on him - I wish Kelly would apologize more for being so crazy busy at the moment…"

Kelly had just started his new job at the Office of Fire Investigation.  
Although he wasn't really the white collar and tie kind of guy, this was a great opportunity for him and he was really good at it too. But it also meant he and Stella wouldn't get to see each other at work quite as much as they were used to.

"Yeah…this is… getting a bit more complicated than I thought…" Rianne was obviously not sure if she did handle this well.

"Why complicated? Go with the flow… and let go! You heard what our instructor just taught and told us! Be a true yogi!"

"Yeah, and going with the flow got **me** falling into the Lake today!" She motioned at her wet self.

Stella giggled before she saw Rianne's mocking expression directed at her.  
Both women enjoyed their yoga and did believe it brought them often much needed peace of mind. But neither of them would call themselves hardcore, fully relaxed and fully committed yogis. They wouldn't even consider themselves real pros at the different asanas. Sometimes they felt a bit out of place with the die-hard participants of the class. At least they were always able to have a good laugh about it afterwards though.

Because they both had the whole morning off until noon and this had probably been their last water session of the year, as temperatures were falling and Rianne would be out of town most of the time in the following weeks, they decided to go for breakfast at one of their favorite joints, "Beatrix" in Rianne's neighborhood.

They settled for the full breakfast menu to divide between the two of them. Stella could use all the energy sources she could get at the moment and claimed that Rianne had lost several pounds over the last weeks. Their topics circulated around men and work and men. Stella enjoyed the fact that this was actually a thing they could do again. She wanted to give something back. Even in her darkest hours Rianne had always been there for first Stella's Grant drama (her ex-husband) and then her Kelly drama, Kelly's and her breakup drama and then her Kelly relationship drama again. Being able to discuss a new guy in Rianne's life was a whole new world she was already loving to bits. That woman deserved all the happiness in the world, if only she would think so too.

At first Stella vented about her lasting exhaustion because of her new additional job as an instructor at the Chicago Fire Academy. She was working double shifts right now. Especially as the instructor's job was a very physical one, Stella had been extremely tired lately and even gotten told off by Matt, because she was not fully focussed on her main job, almost causing two calls to go wrong. Thankfully they had been able to work it out for the moment, but Stella felt she was in a tough spot. Living and working together wasn't always such a stressless thing and she didn't want to disappoint anyone as she felt this was a great chance to prove her worth to her Chief and her Captain.  
So this morning's distraction and downtime was very welcome. Finally they moved on to the things on Rianne's mind, still wolfing their way through the breakfast menu.

"I just wish we could have stayed in that: 'just sex bubble' longer," Rianne sighed at one point, when they had covered her work stress too.

"I don't think you can be in a 'just sex' arrangement with anyone baby."

"Why the fuck not?" Rianne exclaimed, mouth full of her omelette.

"Because you're wired through the heart! You cannot **not** care about people. It's just not in your nature."

"But I thought I had it under control."

"Bullshit! You were lost the moment he kissed you and got you hooked on that lop-sided smile and those dreamy eyes and that sculpted body…maybe even before that when he was always arguing with you in that heated sexy way…" Stella was already thinking of more embarrassing things to put on her list.

"Stop it! You make it sound like I only want him for his looks…"Rianne laughed, kicking her under the table.

"Are you blushing? Oh my god - I thought I wouldn't live to see the day…"

"Come on now, I am not…" Rianne's hands went to her face to check her cheeks, which indeed were a little hot and flushed, Stella wasn't completely kidding her.

"Yes, you are… I think you really got it bad for him, you just said it yourself: You want him! And even if it was just for his looks: I would not be judging, in fact I would always support you. So what's the hold-up?" Stella was really wondering when that woman would get it into her thick head that she didn't have to pretend anymore with her and just go be with Jay, fully committed and not wait on some kind of insurance policy.

"I might have just wanted a nice guy, no baggage…or even stayed single for the rest of my life…"

"No, you wouldn't have wanted that! What a waste would that be for crying out loud? And there's not a single person without baggage. Believe me: You wouldn't have lasted a second with a man that's somehow just carefree and simple. You'd be bored out of your mind."

"Are you saying I am a sucker for drama just like you?"

"I guess it's time you face the ugly truth Torres: That's exactly what I am saying!"

For a minute they were quiet, drinking their lattes and Rianne had that special look on her face where she tried to decide if she wanted to cough up to something serious or keep it to herself. So Stella went out on a limp by making a little speech:

"Look, I know he's your first one after Andrea, but your hubby was not the saint everybody made him out to be and you of all people very well knew that before. So you don't have to be a saint either. You've placed him on that pedestal way up high so that no one could compare to him after he died. And of course in some way no one can, but I feel you've begun to move on from that vision and in my humble opinion it feels like you're beginning to be okay with it and that's fine. You know better than anyone that there have been ups and downs for Andrea and you and there certainly would have been some **heavy** bumps in the road in the future. Especially with the responsibility that comes with parenthood and marriage long term. You were the organized and reliable one, he was the chaotic, eccentric artist, you had the save job, he was jumping from one opportunity to the next. Yes, he was full of life and absolutely fun to have around, loyal to a pin, but he also tended to get overwhelmed by his every day tasks and went through more than one existential crisis. You always had to get him back up and while he showed you how to let loose, you had to get his feet back on the ground every now and then. I don't know Jay that well, but I'm sure you can be something for each other, I even think you already are. It's just a whole different story than it was with Andrea, I guess."

Stella knew in a way Andrea had been Rianne's late revolution against her parents to a great extent, even though they mostly weren't close enough to have an opinion and a say in the matter. But Rianne had known from the beginning they would not approve of him because of oh so many things. In the end they hadn't even attended their wedding.

All those years back Jay wouldn't have really been Rianne's type. Where Jay was clean cut and settled, Andrea had been unruly and wild and she had searched for that in her twenties, thrived from someone who was so different from her own family and upbringing.  
Deep inside her heart Stella knew that there was more of an equilibrium between Jay and Rianne than there ever had been between her and Andrea, because he hadn't grown-up in the same time she had.

Her friend didn't say anything after she'd put this on the table, but the silence and the tears threatening to fall from her eyes told Stella that she had hit a nerve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I felt like it was good to have a general girl-talk now and tell things from another perspective.


	17. Your Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Your Girl" by Basia Bulat

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Intelligence caught a new case over the weekend and Jay had been on shift for pretty much 72 hours straight and more.

Still welcoming every distraction he could get he was also glad that he had to take care of Hailey for a change and not the other way around. Her long time criminal informant Cameron had gotten shot right before her eyes during an operation where Intelligence tried to get a load of Carfentanyl off the streets.  
Hailey had a hard time with it, feeling responsible for Cameron's death, because she had brought him onto the case. Even though she had known that he had the tendency to get way more invested in solving cases than was good for him. It too was a bitter pill to swallow for her that Voight did not act like she wanted him to and decided to still use **his** CI Darius Walker further, although Hailey suspected him to have killed her guy. Or at least have ordered the hit.

Jay was worried about her. Not just because she started to do her own thing and tried to be tougher than she was repeatedly.  
It was also for the reason that their usual thing, which was talking it out over tequila or ouzo wether the other wanted to or not, did not really work like it used to. He had the feeling he couldn't really reach her. Maybe it was because he too hadn't let her in over the last weeks.

Nevertheless he took Hailey out for drinks at Molly's after they had closed the case Thursday. Even if she didn't want him to, he wanted to show her in his heart he was still her partner and right by her side if she needed him.  
Rianne wasn't working, although she had texted him she would be there. The upside was that way he could fully concentrate on cheering up Hailey, or just sit there in silence with her, drinking. They had that kind of connection where even this was never uncomfortable.  
Jay still couldn't resist to check his phone from time to time to see if Rianne had called or texted why she wasn't coming in, but there was radio-silence on her end. Somehow he felt a little nervous about that.

Finally Hermann came over to their place at the bar, when they ordered another round and gave Jay a message:

"Casey called and said to tell you that Rianne wanted you to know she might not make it tonight. Her phone died and she's at a fire-call with 51, involving a bad domestic and she has to sort that out first, take care of the kids involved. She will at least be late."

Jay was contemplating this, his forehead in wrinkles as usual when he didn't like something, but thanked Hermann for passing this on.  
Of course Hailey picked up on that, frowning at him:

"Maybe you should try dating someone way out of our orbit. Like a nice girl from a bakery or something like that."

"What makes you say that?"

He wasn't sure if she was serious or kidding with him. To him it had sounded a little snarky.

"So at least one of you is the reliable one with the steady work-schedule and you don't have to worry about the other person having a strenuous and maybe even dangerous job as well…"

"Great advice coming from someone that has been sneaking around and canoodling with Ruzek for months. Very steady reliable choice I would say!" Jay answered a little irritated.

"Woah, nice one Jay! I didn't know that was how you felt about that."

"I don't."

"Then why'd you bring it up?" Hailey was seriously offended.

"Because you seem to have a lot to say about my choices when I never even said anything about yours concerning the dating-matter!"

"I did not. I just…"

"What?"

"I just don't wanna see you get hurt!" She almost yelled at him, blue eyes ablaze.

"I am a big boy Hailey. And I will not repeat all my mistakes, believe me!"

Why did everyone seem to think he needed help managing his life and especially the relationship part in it?

"I hope you don't, because I won't always be on the other side waiting to pull you out of the hole you dug for yourself if you keep giving that stupid heart of yours away so easily."

Jay was a bit taken aback. Where did all that come from?

"That's not true! You make it sound like I simply date every woman that comes my way!"

"Not what I said! I meant you tend to put blinders on when you fall for someone…"

Jay considered that for a moment: Did he have a tendency to let women walk all over him or let himself be tricked into believing they were something they were not?  
Was he falling for Rianne?

"It's just that: I wish for you to have something easy and comforting to come home to and not a whole drama in itself, that you have to take care of instead of having a shoulder to lean on too, " Hailey now spoke a little softer and her eyes tried to reason with him to take into account that she was just looking out for him.

Jay sighed deeply, touching her hand: "Look, Hailey I think we both know that none of us can do nice and easy. That's just not who we are. But Rianne's not 'a drama' she's… something else, I guess I am still figuring that out. And I **want** to figure it out!"

Anything other than that felt like he was missing out on something that could be really great.

"Okay good. Promise me to be careful anyway, okay?"

Instead of answering he nodded and they shared one of their special understanding glances while clinking bottles. He knew she was speaking out of a place of love and in a way he appreciated her honesty and that she did not hide her concerns from him.

Hailey didn't stay out as long. She said she was still feeling the repercussions of their last case and wanted to rest up at home.  
Jay was exhausted as well, but he had not yet given up hope to see Rianne tonight and until then his brother (as usual a regular at Molly's after 9 pm), whom he hadn't talked to in a while, kept him company.

Finally at past 10:30 pm Rianne walked in, Matt Casey in tow, both talking agitatedly and looking fed up. Jay watched Rianne scan the crowd and spot Will and him in seconds.  
The bar wasn't that packed on a simple week-day and they had moved to a prime-spot at a table in the middle of it.  
She straight on headed their way, Matt followed.  
Once she'd reached them Rianne first hugged Will and then Jay hello, exhaustion seeping out of her every pore when she lingered in the latter's embrace a little longer. She smelled a bit of fire smoke.

"Sorry it took me so long, I'm glad you're still here…"

As he of all people could understand crazy work-hours Jay wasn't commenting on that, he just held her tight for a bit and then let go, not sure how she wanted to handle 'them' in public. In the intimate atmosphere of Molly's he was less sure about just kissing her than in a random lakeside parking lot with only her best friend around. Also he sensed his big brother was watching him closely, surely to pick up something he could comment on later.  
Grabbing Jay's almost full bottle of beer Rianne downed it in one without waiting for permission.

Will made big eyes at that and held out his to her as well: "Want another one?"

"No thanks, I was just parched! Hermann can we get another round here?" she called out to the bar, throwing Jay an apologetic look that he found just adorable.

"Well, first you bail on me and then you wanna be served?" Hermann mock complained behind the counter, but quickly went to fetch them some drinks.

"And some shots too," Matt added, equally tired as Rianne.

Jay noticed that she looked a little rough. She had a bruise on her chin that was starting to color black and blue and a split lip, some dried blood in the corner of her mouth and on her jacket sleeve.

"What's the matter guys? You look dangerously close to exploding! And what the hell happened to your beautiful face?" Will asked the question that was also going through Jay's mind, stepping out of his seat and grabbing Rianne's chin, doctor mode in gear.

Matt and Rianne exchanged a knowing and meaningful look. Then she sighed and motioned for her friend to tell the story:

"She got clocked in the face by a woman she wanted to protect from her drunken and obviously violent husband…" Matt explained and sat down in Will's seat, while that one took a look at Rianne's injuries.

"Yeah, it's been a while since I have been called a 'conniving bitch' for wanting to defend someone…It's okay though Will, I'll live…" she laughed a little sourly, swatting his hands away.

His brother still was looking concerned and Jay was feeling jealous. He wanted to be the one to put a soothing touch to her face and it didn't sit right with him that Will had called her "beautiful" in his flirtatious voice. It bothered him in general when Will acted like the all important medicine man, so he couldn't help but intervene:

"Come on Will, you heard her, turn off the Dr. in you!" This earned him a curious look from Will with some high raised brows, but his brother let Rianne be and Jay quickly made space for her on his side of the table:

"Come on, sit! Hermann can we get an ice pack over here as well?"

Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Will was smirking to himself, but he tried not to engage with him now.

Rianne scooted over really close to him on the bench, their thighs touching, ankles brushing. His body was on high alert like every time she was near, reacting to every movement and notion he picked off of hers. Putting her right hand on his upper leg and gently squeezing it she turned into him, proudly presenting her bruised face:

"Do I look bad-ass now?"

"Totally!"

Just by looking into her eyes the noise and people around him seemed to fade out Jay noticed. He didn't know how she did it but she was always so present and vibrant, even after the day she must have had.

"Kiss her already Jay, we all know you want to! I won't even be jealous!" His brother of course couldn't help himself and ruined the mood.

"En serio? Madura Will!" Rianne shushed him by slightly raising her voice and forefinger at Will, before Jay could say anything himself.

He noticed when agitated the Spanish fragments, she sometimes slipped into conversations, increased in number.

"Yeah, what she said!" Jay liked her siding with him, although he wasn't 100% sure what she exactly said.

Something about Will needing to grow up he guessed.  
Picking up the file she'd put on the table earlier, Rianne provisionally obscured his and her face from their table companions and got even closer to him.

"I think they are not old enough to see this," she whispered near his smiling mouth before she gently put her lips to it.

Letting her take the lead and ease into how much show of affection was okay at this point was kind of exiting and the simplicity of it took Jay's mind off other things completely.

"We can also **hear** you kissing!" Will laughed from the other side of the table.

Thankfully their drinks and the ice pack for Rianne to cool her chin with arrived at that moment. Jay thought he could have used one for his flushed face as well, his heart pounding like mad.

They started up a conversation about the exact details of their evening: 51 had been called to a house-fire caused by a secret drug cooking operation in that house under the cover of a family with two young children. Husband and wife had been arguing in the aftermath about who was responsible exactly for starting the fire, the two children almost getting burned alive, because they'd been trapped in their bedroom.

"Why weren't we called to the scene?" Jay wondered.

"I don't know, I think Narcotics took the case," Casey explained.

"It's so fucking frustrating. After getting punched in the face I had to explain to these poor kids that Mum Dad are **not** going to pick them up after they have talked to the police. I had to take them to a group home after they got checked out at Med, where they are being tucked in by a stranger as we speak, have to sleep in a funny smelling room and cry themselves to sleep not knowing what went wrong."

"I don't even know how you got them there. They were like screaming all the time when you put them into the car…" Matt was obviously pissed too that things like this were happening on a regular basis.

"How old were they?" Will asked.

"Four and six years, two boys," Rianne croaked and downed her shot, scrunching up her face at the bitter aftertaste.

Jay silently reached for her hand under the table, locking their fingers. Hers were ice cold, so he ran his thumb over the side of her index finger a few times and threw her a sympathetic look. She tried to muster up a smile, but her eyes were pained. He knew the feeling.

* * *

As Rianne had come to Molly's with Casey and car-pooled to work with Nate this morning, she had no access to a car and asked Jay to give her a ride an hour later.

"Sure thing! You wanna go now?"

"Yeah, if it's all the same to you, I think I'm beat."

She was glad Jay seemed to feel the same way.

They said their good-byes to everyone left at the bar. Matt told her to give him a call about the lift to the airport on Sunday, if she still needed it.  
Rianne planned on attending her cousin's bachelorette party in LA and help with the preparations for the small wedding ceremony on Saturday the following week. Her uncle's family had been living in California for years now and were somehow the only family she had in this country. It was so surreal that she'd be on the West Coast, mostly partying and filling her time with happy and light things, in just a few days when it felt like she couldn't really leave her Chicago-life at the moment. There was just so much to do.

Jay and Will man-hugged (Rianne called those hugs that because they involved a lot of slapping on the back).  
Will must have said something that annoyed Jay when he let him go, because Jay's eyebrows and eyeballs almost hit his hairline when they left.

"What did he say to you?" She asked curiously, but Jay just shook his head, and got the door for her:

"Nothing!"

But his face told her otherwise and she couldn't help but laugh at his annoyance. The brothers sometimes still acted as if they were in middle-school, always riling each other up.

"He just loves you Jay! And he loves to press your buttons, that's for sure."

Jay didn't comment on that. They had stepped outside Molly's and into the cooler night air. His truck was parked on the curb just around the corner and when he held open the door for her on the passenger's side and she went to get in, Rianne was suddenly pinned between his hard body and the side of the car, because Jay held her back.

For a moment she thought he would slam his mouth down on hers like he'd done several times before, his eyes burning with something unfathomable. But after a split second of watching her face his hands went up to cup her shoulders and he bent down to caress her bruises with his lips. It was so tender that she didn't know what to feel first. It was hot, it was confusing, it was frighteningly loving, it almost made her cry and call herself an idiot at the same time for being so emotional.

"That's how I really wanted to kiss you in there," Jay said finally, ending his crusade with one single kiss to her head, then let her go and walked around to his side of the car.

Rianne felt she was just one kiss short of having a heart-attack.

* * *

On the ride over to Streeterville, which took about fifteen minutes, they talked about his week at work and her plans for next week.  
Jay still didn't tell her about meeting Marcus' West wife and kid and sort of starting his own welfare-project there. He'd given Angela his undercover phone number and said to call him if she needed anything: money, help with her boy, who as it turned out had sickle-cell anemia or just someone to talk.  
She had been checking in over the last week a few times.  
Rianne must've sensed something was up with him though, because she mysteriously said something like:

"Whatever is going on Jay – I hope you know you can tell me! I swear I'll cut the psychological crap you hate so much. Just talk to someone at least. I know you're not fine. Don't do anything stupid."

He felt caught out, but couldn't bring himself to tell her. He guessed she could be the one to talk him out of continuing this and he knew he wasn't ready to let it go.

When Jay stopped the motor in front of her building, he felt something else was on her mind, bothering her.  
Rianne wouldn't look at him properly, sitting in silence, mustering up the nerve to get something off her chest.

"Adam came to see me yesterday…" she finally said before Jay could ask what was going on and his heart sank.

Jay already knew what that had been about, because he had been arguing with Adam over it.

"You know what he told me?" She looked at him inquiringly, taking off her seatbelt and turning around to him.

The usual sparkle in her eyes was almost gone, the glow of a streetlight next to his car illuminated the unbruised half of her face.

"Yeah, I know," he nodded, also turning around in his seat, killing the ignition completely.

Adam had told her that they would be closing the investigation on Andrea as there was no real evidence and state had decided to not open up a case on him.  
Marco was still at Med, although not in a coma anymore, but also not talking. He had lawyered up and awaited his sentence as soon as he was out of the hospital. So what was the point investing manpower in the case of an already dead man? Andrea wasn't one of the big fish they were partly still after. Jay had wanted to wait until they told her, see if there was another way they could provide information or continue investigating on the side. But Adam had been adamant that she deserved to know the truth right now and talked to her, in Jay's opinion just dumping this on her without a perspective.  
He feared she would not be able to let this go, just like he would not have been if their places had been reversed. Jay didn't want her to go off on her own and try to find out more about the past. He pegged her as someone who would just do that, maybe even in a calculated, silent and sneaky way, getting herself in trouble.

* * *

Rianne had been swamped at the office and hadn't really had time to contemplate what this new information meant for her. During the last two days and especially now that she was looking at "that someone new" in her life, she feared that it affected her more than she wanted to. How would she ever know now what had really happened? How would she define her and Andrea's relationship in the light of things possibly being a little different from what she'd believed for a long time? Of all the things she could have said about their relationship she had always thought that one thing was really special: They told each other the truth! Always, hurtful as it might have been. It seemed she had been mistaken.

"I wanna be honest, I don't know how to wrap my head around this and I won't know until I have had time to think about how to live with that uncertainty. I haven't had a single minute to myself yesterday and today. And tomorrow? I don't know how that will go. I hope you understand that I need to sleep on this again and be alone. Anything else wouldn't be fair to you."

Jay was quiet for a minute, just watching her face, before he spoke:

"I get it. Take your time. As long as you don't…"

"I won't disappear, I promise!" Rianne took his hand into hers and played with his long fingers, loving the warm and dry feel of them.

"That's not what I was going to say," Jay caught her fingers between his and pulled her closer to him, cracking a smile.

"I said it anyway. And I mean it."

She held his gaze, hoping she could convince him with her eyes that it was embedded into her conscience like a mantra: Whatever you do, don't disappear on Jay, don't disappear on Jay! It seemed there was another story to his fear, she hoped to find out one day.

"I just need a good night's sleep, soak in a hot bath and let my thoughts run wild, freak out, have a long cry and then I'll have to make my peace with probably never really knowing the truth…Maybe I'll write a song about it," she joked sarcastically.

Although a part of her certainly wanted to find out on her own, if nobody did anything.

"You know that you can have a cry with me too, right?"

"Yeah, I know… Sometimes it just feels that I have used up all my 'crying in front of other people' credits…"

She'd certainly used her credits less for the last months, but anyway.

"Okay, I'll see you when you're done…" Jay pulled her into a hug and didn't push her any further.

She was glad and a weight had lifted from her heart, because she felt she didn't need to completely explain herself in front of him and he could take her being honest.  
At least it felt like it.  
Resting her good cheek next to his, Rianne breathed him in. Jay always smelled so clean like a fresh breeze of air, she didn't want to let go of him just yet. He seemed to feel the same, instead of letting her go he only pressed her tighter to him, running his hands over her back and through her hair. Her whole body was alert, heat spreading through her every fibre. Just as easy as one would light a match that hug turned into something else entirely.

Putting a hand in his neck, reaching down under his shirt to his taught shoulder muscles Rianne pulled herself up on his lap, straddling him in the driver's seat. Not caring about her split lip at all she began kissing Jay, challenging him to keep up with her hunger for him and he joined in. She felt she wanted and needed so much more than the situation and the space in the car could provide, nevertheless it was pure bliss to get lost in the moment and just feel: Roaming hands, bodies looking for more connection, more friction, frustration at being not nearly close enough and revelation at being well aware of her heavy beating heart. It was so clear: She was very much alive in this second, here with that somehow still mysterious man it seemed she couldn't get enough of.

"Are you sure you really wanna be alone tonight?" Jay murmured.

His voice had an amused ring to it, when he bit her ear softly, his warm breath whispering over her neck, making her shiver and gasp and grab the collar of his jacket tighter.

"Yes, I'm sure… but sometimes I just want you so fucking bad, I can't seem to stop myself…"

Jay groaned at that and kissed her so deeply, hands grasping naked skin under her top, that she thought she was going to explode right then and there.  
Her butt accidentally pressing the horn of Jay's truck and probably waking up the whole neighborhood made them topple over with laughter so much, it took the edge off a bit.

"Please tell me there's no way to put on the sirens like that…"

* * *

Their make-out-session in the car was cut short by a heavy knocking sound.  
Both of them were frightened for a second, looking out of the passenger window in shock. At closer inspection they saw Nate, peering in through the glass and motioning for Rianne to roll down the window or open up the door. She straightened her clothes, cleared her throat and scrambled from Jay's lap, almost shy, like someone who had just been caught doing something illegal. It was certainly a side of her Jay wasn't used to seeing. He was trying to calm down his breathing.  
As soon as the window was half-way down Nate addressed her sternly:

"Jesus, I have been calling you non-stop! I was worried sick!"

"Sorry, my phone died somewhere along the line. Where did you come from just now?"

"I drove to Molly's because nobody over there was picking up the phone as well. Thought maybe you were there and needed a ride. But when I arrived they told me you two had left already…what happened to your face?" Nate reached for her chin through the car window.

"Got in between a domestic, didn't end so well for me."

"You'll have to ice that!"

"Already did that man," Jay's voice sounded a little strained.

"Are you coming up then?" Nate purposefully just looked at Rianne.

This felt like Rianne's dad scolding them and putting her on house-arrest because she missed her curfew.

"I'll be in a minute…just go ahead!"

After an awkward few seconds where they all stared at one another Nate nodded and left to go in the direction of their building entrance. He didn't even say good-bye to Jay who didn't know what he ever did to that man.

"I'm sorry, he's just… overprotective…?" Rianne was certainly uncomfortable and not meeting his eyes.

"That's one way to put it!"

Jay was getting a weird vibe off of this, but he decided to not intervene yet and just trust her to handle this with her roommate. On her own.


	18. The Magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "The Magic" by Joan As Police Woman

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Adam frantically knocked on the door to 9C. He just had to see Nate like absolutely right now.  
Nate had always been the brother he didn't have, he could talk to him about anything and everything and Adam had to get the news this day had brought to light off his chest or he knew it would kill him. He just didn't know what to do with himself.

When his cousin opened the door in his downtime outfit he almost felt a little bad for disturbing him in his time off on a Sunday, but this couldn't wait.

"What's up bro?"

"Can I talk to you about something?"

He knew Nate would never say no, family and social worker heart and all. So the door was opened to him in a welcoming way.  
They went into the kitchen, Adam immediately better off because in a little bit he would not feel so alone in this anymore. Also the loft always had a soothing effect on him, it was so light and spacey.  
As expected Nate offered him a cold beer, which he gladly took and downed almost in one. He was greeted with sky-high raised brows, when he looked up at Nate again:

"O-Kay… so…?"

Giving the second bottle he had gotten for himself to Adam as well and getting a third one from the fridge, Nate already must have known something big was up:

"Talk!" he ordered, while sitting down at the kitchen bar.

Adam had been racking his brain on how he should tell this to anyone, how he would phrase it, but he found there was no good way to do this other than:

"Kim's pregnant, it's mine."

"What? How, woah, what? " Nate ran his hands through his hair several times, gaping at him in disbelief.

"It's really early, about four/five weeks. I mean, I, I don't know what to feel here. She just told me and found out today." Adam informed him how Kim's slight injury on a call had brought on the news unexpectedly. It still was so surreal.

"I didn't even know you guys were back together man! Rianne just suspected as much." Nate downed a whole lot of his beer as well.

"No, we're not. Not really! We just have been hanging out for the last couple of weeks and the night of your concert at Molly's, after that terrible virus case, I asked her to come home with me. It just felt like we needed this."

Never in a million years had he thought that this night might hold some surprises in the future for him.

"Does she know what she wants to do?" Nate had kicked into social-worker mode: Clearing up facts and finding out all about everyone's point of view.

"I guess she was just as shocked as me… I'm glad she told me right away though and did not hide it from me. But now? I don't know! First she made an appointment at the clinic for tomorrow and I said I'd support her whatever she would decide, and then at the end of the day she says she doesn't wanna miss out on the chance of being a mom and she doesn't wanna regret anything later. I think she still does not really know what she will do and I am kind of out of my depth here. What shall **I** do now? What does **she** want me to do?"

Having made that statement, airing all the thoughts he had on the matter for the moment, he went to the fridge himself, pulling out some left-over food.  
There were always plenty of delicious things in this household. Also he got another beer for him and Nate. He was startled when he heard a female voice behind him:

"Oh hello Adam, good to see you! I'm heading out you guys, let you talk man to man," Rianne suddenly stood behind him, patting his shoulder and then kind of left in a hurry.

Adam wondered how much of their conversation she had witnessed, but then again she wasn't one to run her mouth. He was only relieved that she didn't seem to be mad with him for telling her about the not pursue-worthy investigation on Andrea a few days ago.

"Wait, when's your flight tomorrow?" Nate called after her and Rianne stuck her head around the kitchen area again.

"Noonish, but I'm good. Matt offered to take me. He's going out of town tomorrow anyway." She shouldered the backpack she'd been holding in her hands and turned around again to go.

"Okay. Are you coming back later?" Nate asked worriedly and as if he was her dad, checking on his wayward teenage daughter.

"I don't know yet…don't wait up!" She rolled her eyes, shrugged and seconds later the two men heard the front door click shut behind her.

Although very much engrossed in his own problems, Adam couldn't help but register the expression on Nate's face in the wake of Rianne leaving the house without telling them where she'd go exactly.  
Adam thought he had a feeling Nate knew where she was headed anyway and he could guess as well.  
Somehow Jay had not been thrilled that Voight had ordered him to stay longer at the district to do leftover paperwork, and argued he had plans for the night. Halstead almost never had plans for a Sunday night other than going to Molly's or watch a sports game, all things that weren't really time sensitive.  
It was also odd that Rianne hadn't said a proper good-bye to his cousin, especially when she was leaving town for the week and didn't know if she'd see Nate before she did.

"What's bothering you?" Adam probed.

"Nothing, it's just… no, forget about it. Let's talk more about you and Kim and…" His cousin's face was anguished, but he tried to shake it off.

"Nate - just spit it out! I know something's been up with the two of you since your birthday party. I thought you would figure it out, but obviously you didn't. At least not really…"

There was certainly a strained vibe between them and Nate wasn't trying to hide his anger now, when he told him:

"Because she's still sneaking around with Jay and I don't like it…Something's just off about him…This week I caught them in his truck at midnight making out like some teenagers…"

Adam outright laughed at that: "Nate seriously, do you even hear yourself talking? You're not her father! You know I can say a lot about Jay, but that something's 'off' about him? No! And for your information: they're not sneaking around with each other: They're **seeing** each other and if you'd ask her I am sure she would tell you and not lie about it. They are sleeping together man! Be honest with me, what's the exact problem here? Are you jealous, are you in love with her?"

Sugar-coating anything at that point wasn't doing anyone any good Adam decided.

"I don't fucking know! I feel stuck! I keep asking myself: What life do I wanna be living? Is this it? Am I the 30something guy living with a woman he's not in a relationship with, but who is the center of his world somehow? She's moving on in so many ways suddenly and I can only cheer her on from the sidelines because I have no idea where to go from here. Actually it's worse: I can't even cheer her on because sometimes I get so mad at her that she can even do this. How can she move on at all? Andrea was supposedly the love of her life — there is no one that should be able to take his place. And I know it's not fair and not rational, but I can't help but feel this way. I know she…" he stopped mid-sentence, obviously lost for words, but Adam thought he'd been more honest with himself than he'd ever been in months.

"Wanna hear my two cents about this?" He cautiously asked and when Nate didn't protest he continued:

"I think you focused a little too much on getting her back on her feet and forgot about yourself in the process. Andrea was your friend too, man! He was your best friend since high-school. You lost him! You shared everything with him, so you held on to the next best thing: his wife. But she's not yours and I am not even sure you want her to be."

Adam felt it was time for something stronger to drink when Nate slumped down on the table, head in his hands, hiding his face from him.  
He knew his cousin didn't like to cry in front of anyone but he was close to. As he knew where they kept the fancy liquor he took care of it and got them two glasses of vintage bourbon.

"You're right - I haven't dealt with a lot of stuff I should have been dealing with a long time ago. But it feels like I can't think straight here. I can't really let go of her, although I want her to be happy. And the more I see her moving on the more I fear I will try to keep her from doing so, because **I am not ready** for this. And I don't wanna lose her…" Nate said in his back quietly.

"Maybe you should take a break, go somewhere. Be on your own for a while. Take your personal time to grief."

It was what Adam had needed after Kim's and his breakup and when she'd joined Intelligence shortly after that. Maybe it would do his cousin some good as well.

"I don't know. I have honestly thought about that. But then: Isn't it ridiculous that I am like almost three years too late with taking care of myself? I should have been able to deal with it, I'm sort of a professional at this kind of stuff. And I'm worried about her always. Even right now! I worry about how much of our conversation she might have heard because of the baby topic. I think it's still tricky for her. Man, you know what a mess she was!"

Adam hadn't been Rianne's primary caretaker back at the time, but he'd talked to Nate a lot after the accident and sometimes visited, even when she was still living with her in-laws in Berwyn directly after.  
He knew for months it had been a long way to recovery; first physically and then mentally.  
The last one naturally taking up most of the work. Some wounds would probably never heal. It had been difficult to get her to leave the bed and then the house in the beginning.  
Even though she claimed she really wanted to and wanted to get back to work as soon as possible, her body just wouldn't allow her. In addition to the real physical trauma, the psychological one often had psychosomatic effects as well, they were told. It wasn't before her psychiatrist got her on antidepressants that things were slowly beginning to look up and she got back on her feet. Now Adam was sure she was managing without them completely.

"Yes, I know. But look at her now: She made it through! She's stronger than ever before I think. And that's your doing too, but in the end she had to go through the steps alone! Everybody has!"

Nate and Adam clinked glasses, downed the golden liquid and Adam directly filled them up again:

"So what will you do about **you** now?"

* * *

On her way to her van Rianne shot a text to Stella, hoping her friend was all right.  
This thing with the instructor's job had her really swamped almost to burn-out extend and Kelly's new job was causing all kinds of stir-ups in their shared couple-time. No way Rianne was gonna go and lean on that poor one with her stupid problems right now.  
Of course she had overheard what Adam had told Nate. Their voices really carried and she had been in her room, door slightly open, packing her stuff for her trip to LA.

Rianne had known that the day would come when one of her friends would be a parent and she'd thought she was well prepared for that.  
But hearing Adam tell Nate that Kim was pregnant had caught her off-guard and touched a sore point for her. She would go crazy staying there with them while they were talking about this.

Thankfully she had planned on going to see Jay anyway tonight, as it was their last chance to spend some time together before she left tomorrow.  
Judging by Adam being at the loft right now, she hoped Intelligence had wrapped up their thing for the day and Jay was already on his way home.  
She certainly could use being distracted by him now more than ever. She instructed herself not to think too much about it, not think about what she would do if Jay wasn't home, and not think about how it would feel if he wasn't really into the whole idea of spending the night with her after she'd sent him home alone on Thursday. They hadn't really specified their plans for the evening.

Concerning the reason for Thursday night, Rianne felt more sorted out, clearer.  
Having dwelled on it for most of her weekend she'd come to the conclusion that for now she could put the matter aside. After all, racking her brain about wether or not Andrea had been more criminally involved than she'd been speculating, when there was just no answer at the moment, didn't do her any good. And she had sworn to look out for herself more. This would be about Andrea. Just like too many times before it had been all about Andrea, not what she had needed.  
Would she have loved him less if she had known then? Probably not. Would she have been able to stop it or would she have broken up with him? Rianne had often been thinking about for what reason her 28/29year-old self would have ever broken up with Andrea. There were plenty she could think of objectively, but she would probably have never gone through with it. She had loved him just so much, unconditionally, sometimes maybe to an unhealthy extent, closing her eyes at things she should have opened them wide for. Holding on to her believe that circumstances often were like they were for a reason, she urged herself to move forward and not backwards now.

When she arrived at the red brick house with the little bay windows, she couldn't see Jay's truck anywhere. This didn't have to mean a thing. He would at least have texted her if he had to cancel. She'd come to know he was that diligent.  
Rianne went up to the entrance. Nobody opened up though she'd rung the bell three times. While she stood there deciding wether to call him or declare the mission unaccomplished she heard footsteps behind her:

"Well hello stranger. I almost thought you ghosted me."

At hearing his teasing deep voice relief washed over her and got her a bit excited. Not that she was liking how easy it was for him to get to her without even trying to.  
Rianne turned around, a flirtatious smile on her lips as Jay went up to meet her:

"No, of course not. Just wanted to keep things exciting and unpredictable..." she answered, as usual sounding more confident than she felt.

He stopped in front of her and let the bag he carried his change of clothes for shift in fall to the ground. Jay smiled charmingly before he pressed a sweet kiss to her lips:

"Sorry, I got stuck doing paperwork… I'm glad you decided to stop waiting around though when I got your message. So, what did you have in mind?"

He fished his keys out of his jeans pocket and opened the door for them, not even waiting for her answer, just assuming that she didn't just stop by to give him a short info. She followed him inside.

"I promised I'd be in touch before I left for LA! I was wondering how you'd feel about spending some quality time together, kind of like a 'last supper'…"

They went inside Jay's apartment. Rianne felt she was already accustomed to its kind of manly style and a special Jay vibe greeting her, although she only had been inside it once. His furniture was simple and comfy, hard-wood floors and plain colors, nothing too fancy besides his giant flatscreen with matching sound-system and a big poster of a vintage motorcycle on one of the living-room walls. It was nice to be let back in, even though she knew he probably still felt conflicted about what had happened here last time.

He threw his keys on the chest of drawers near the door, kicked off his black boots and left his bag in the hallway. While ridding himself of the belt holster for his gun he turned around to face her again and winked at her:

"I am honored you'd want to spend your last supper with **me** of all people in your orbit."

"It was a figure of speech."

"I know, I like it anyway. Was almost afraid you'd leave for California without a good-bye…" Jay said it in a mocking voice, trying to not let her see that he meant he had actually been doubtful.

Instead of continuing their conversation she grabbed him by the waist and pulled him to her, yearning to feel him near but also still intimidated as always by his demeanor.  
He kept himself in check so much sometimes it was difficult to read him. She found when she had contact to his body though it was easier. Close to he looked tired and beaten, god knows what he was dealing with at work right now and how he was feeling concerning the Marcus West case. Rianne took his face into her hands and curled her fingers up in his hair, just looking into those eyes, which as she had noticed could pretend to switch colors from one minute to another. Kind of blue one moment, and green the next. Funnily enough it depended on what color of clothes he was wearing she had found out. As he was sporting an olive ripped long sleeve tonight his emerald eyes were at the top of their game.

"What is it?" he chuckled and seemed a bit uneasy under her intense scrutiny.

"It might sound weird: but I missed your face!"

"Now that you say it – I kind of missed yours too. Especially with your bruises almost all healed up, that's good…" He kissed her real tenderly at first and when things got out of hand as it usually did between them, he stopped the kiss and gently pushed her away a little.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, I'm actually starving and wouldn't mind changing into something more comfortable."

"Okay." Rianne was a bit disappointed.

She wouldn't have minded climbing him right then and there. She was asking herself if he still felt guilty about their last encounter in these walls and didn't trust himself to not loose control again. Or if it was her fault and that he didn't trust her enough to stay with him afterwards. Maybe she had yet to make good on that promise to not disappear. She'd been bad at it the last few days.

"Also, I actually have begun to enjoy spending time with you apart from having sex which, don't get me wrong, is a revelation of course. I could offer you cold beer, some food for your 'last supper'…though we'd have to order that, and the game just happens to be on. What'd you say?"

Rianne sort of snorted and laughed at the last part of his suggestions.

Jay looked taken aback: "What's so funny?"

"It's a thing I still don't get even though I've lived in the US for so long now: How is one supposed to know which game is on I keep wondering. The way you people say it, it seems that there is only one game on television all the time, but in reality there are so many and so many different varieties of sport. But every time it seems that everybody is supposed to know which sport you even mean and what you wanna watch. Y'all just say: 'Oh look, the game' is on."

"Yeah, I don't get that," he laughed at her, "so... maybe it's an American thing."

The plan was almost a little too "couple" for her taste but she let it go for now and told herself to just ease into it. Snuggling up with him on the couch couldn't be **that** bad.

* * *

Jay changed into his sweats and a fresh shirt while Rianne studied the take out menus pinned to the fridge.  
There was nothing to turn into something edible in there, there almost never was. He kept almond milk in it because it lasted longer than fresh milk.  
He really didn't live in his apartment very much. Either he was spending time at work, at Hailey's, at Molly's, at his brother's…  
If he was off for longer than 24 hours he often just slept here as much as he could, trying to load his batteries. It wasn't much of a home he realized when seeing his place through her eyes or how he thought she must see it. Compared to her own, which was so unique and lived in and well arranged and taken care of, with a breathtaking view one might add, this was a bachelor's pad minus the space.  
Jay thought about how since he moved out of Erin's he never really had gotten to making a nice home for himself. It just hadn't been that important to him.  
The longer he thought about it he always was visiting other people more than that he entertained guests. That never had been his thing.

His head was still a little stuck in the case they had just closed.  
A sick bastard had kept two abducted girls in a cellar for years, raping and getting one of them pregnant. He had kept them hidden from the world for seven years. The amount of evil people were capable of never seized to amaze him. That house where they had found the victim in had been a well-ventilated house of horrors he thought.  
In a way he was glad he wouldn't have to spend the evening alone, musing about that.  
Also he hadn't realized that he had been subconsciously holding his breath since Thursday night, if Rianne would contact him again or if this "giving her space thing" had been a bad idea. Turned out it had not and he was relieved, if a little nervous too. It somehow felt like they were taking another step towards a relationship, being home together on a Sunday evening…

After having ordered he fetched them drinks from the fridge and they settled down on his couch, Rianne surprising him by not leaving any space between them.  
Quite the opposite: She waited until he had gotten comfy on his usual spot and then sat down on his lap, legs swung sideways over his, cradling his neck with one hand and clinking bottles with him with the other. Jay wasn't complaining, but this was dangerous territory. Her scent was already way too intoxicating for him to keep thinking straight.

He let out a long breath that must've given him away somehow, because she said: "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want more space?"

"No, it's fine," he grinned and wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Is **your** family gonna be there too at the wedding of your cousin?" He was honestly interested, but knew he had to start up a conversation quickly or all his restraint would be forgotten in a second.

"You mean my parents?"

Jay nodded yes.

"No, my uncle's eldest daughter is getting married. This is my dad's side of the family, so originally from Argentina as well, but they have been living in LA for years. I think they are planning a second, bigger wedding in Buenos Aires next year. My father doesn't like to travel anymore, so it's just going to be a small family circle. And my mother isn't even talking to this side of the family, so she's not invited anyway."

Rianne was quiet for a moment, sipping her beer: "My parents didn't even attend **my** wedding come to think of it."

"Uh, why not?"

This was news to Jay. It hadn't come up in their earlier conversations about her family.

"Oh, for various reasons. Mostly because they didn't approve of me marrying Andrea I guess. Or more precisely put: They didn't approve of him at all, said he was a lazy guy who would make me unhappy and didn't get anything done like a real man would… And my parents can't be in the same room together without being at each other's throats, so…"

"Wasn't that hard not having any family present at your wedding day after all?"

It had been at least disappointing for him that his father hadn't attended his graduation ceremony from the police academy, not officially. But a wedding without family of her own?

"I managed. I think Andrea's family has always been sort of my family too and at our first wedding there only was Nate and an Elvis impersonator in a Vegas chapel anyway…" She bit her lip and scrunched up her face, gauging his reaction to this new piece of info.

Jay sat up instantly and grabbed her knee, thinking she had to be kidding with him:

"No way! Didn't peg you for a Vegas marriage type…"

Rianne just shrugged and Jay's face changed from amused to pensive.

"What?"

"Just reminiscing about **my** Vegas wedding I guess…" He decided to go with the truth of what was going through his head.

"You? You're joking, right? If it's true you can shake hands on that with Kelly!"

Jay had heard the story about Severide getting married in Vegas for a short amount of time as well. He guessed there had been some of the same and some different reasons for that.

"I'm intrigued… so spill… !" Rianne urged him to go on, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

So Jay told her about Abby and the shotgun 24hour wedding as a repercussion of his time in Afghanistan. He couldn't believe that this had happened over ten years ago. He talked about how they had met while she was running cultural support on his last tour with the Rangers in Kandahar and how they had gotten married one night whilst they were very drunk, after a fellow soldier's funeral in Vegas.

"She actually came back to visit, telling me we had to get a divorce. That was a little over two years ago. I always thought we'd gotten that taken care of right after we sort of woke up the next day realizing our mistake. So I was completely shocked. It was just one of the many things I did when I got back from the war that I wasn't proud of. I hadn't known that I was still married all this time."

He continued that Abby not only revealed that she hadn't filed the divorce papers all those years ago, but that she'd been in love him all along and that she still loved him and wanted a relationship. Opening up about that led to him telling Rianne all about Erin as well and how this episode with Abby started a downwards spiral for him and his girlfriend and partner at work in the end. Even though he got the divorce finally settled and wasn't in love with Abby, him and Erin couldn't make things work again and then she suddenly left for New York and never came back. He realized that somehow this must have happened just shortly after Rianne and Andrea had been in that fateful accident. He found the timing somewhat odd...

"Well, I think you can't blame Abby for that," Rianne commented.

"For what? Being the beginning of the end of me and Erin?"

"No, for wanting you back. You're not a bad catch…" she pinched his cheek playfully.

"Why do I always end up telling you so much?"

"Maybe it's my therapeutic aura…" Winking and raising her eyebrows at him she remained sitting calmly in his lap.

Jay was seriously wondering why it was so much easier to admit to all these things from his past in front of her, when he'd been with and known Erin much longer. Yet communication and talking always had been an obstacle in their relationship they had not been able to tackle successfully.  
Somehow with Rianne he was sure she could handle it, could handle him. And there was no judgement there.

"Okay, time do redirect the attention: Why did **you** get married in Vegas?"

* * *

Rianne contemplated lying or stretching the truth, but seeing as he had opened up about his past relationships just now, revealing another dimension to him, she took a deep breath and just spit it out.  
Funny enough that the topic she had wanted to avoid by coming here tonight had caught up to her anyway. Somehow she herself was at fault for that by bringing up her wedding:

"It wasn't my idea! I just want to point that out! We were on a holiday trip across the country, Andrea, Nate and I with the van. We wanted to get to San Francisco end the end, but of course the guys liked to party a few nights in Vegas on the way. I had not been feeling well before this trip and found out I was pregnant a day before we left. So when we arrived in Vegas I just had to tell Andrea, because it wouldn't have been credible that I just opted out of drinking and partying hard without a good reason. And the minute he knew, he got it into his head that it would only be right to get married now, so I guess we just did that…I can't even claim that I was drunk for it, so yes: It was a completely sober Vegas wedding, at least on my part..."

Jay didn't ask any stupid questions like: "What happened to the baby?" or "Did you even want to get married like that?" She guessed he already knew.  
His patience and calm, his warm and strong arm around her midst, made her continue although it was not easy:

"Andrea kept saying that we couldn't have a child without being married. Sometimes his traditional sense kicked in and he could be pretty persistent if he wanted to, so I was like 'whatever, we belong together anyway, so let's do it!' We didn't tell his parents though that we'd gotten married without 'la familia' present. That is why we did it all over again when we got back from the trip: Engagement party, baby shower, quick wedding before I was too pregnant to fit into any decent dress…"

Relationship-wise it had only gone downhill from there, but she didn't share that with Jay yet. Rianne couldn't help the tears stinging in her eyes now, remembering that time vividly, like it had been yesterday, but also like it was a different life.

"If we hadn't been in that accident… " the tears were streaming down her face now, "I guess I would have been a mother to a two year old son today."

"How far along were you?" Jay asked softly, squeezing her waist tighter.

"Six and a half months…" Her throat tightened and it got really hard to breathe.

Jay closed his eyes briefly. He knew what that must have meant, what she had to endure on top of being injured and loosing her husband.  
He took the bottle from Rianne's hand to place their drinks on the coffee table without making her get up from his lap. Then he pressed her to his chest and she let herself weep freely, wondering how sometimes pain could flare up so easily again. Even if it all had been a while ago and she'd thought she was relatively fine about it, it still hurt.

"I am so sorry you lost them both…" Jay mumbled into her hair, his voice a little wobbly itself. That man was so compassionate sometimes it touched her deeply.

"See, I don't know why I told you that either…"

She sat up after a while, feeling it was over, it was off her chest. Rianne wiped at her face and looked into Jay's eyes for a minute, trying to read what he was thinking, but she only saw empathy, no judgement. He quickly pressed a kiss to her hand he had caught in his along the way:

"Wanna watch **the** game?" he winked at her.

"Yes, please!" Rianne nodded her consent and let Jay get up.

He went to fetch the remote and pulled her back into him when he sat down again. Rianne was tremendously thankful that he didn't push any further or did not freak out about this new piece of information about her past, didn't make a whole ordeal out of it.  
It felt okay to be not okay about the pregnancy thing, because she had lost her child and its father.

She wouldn't have thought that it was possible to have fun watching a baseball game after having that heart-to-heart, but they had. After having fed each other the Chinese takeout that had been delivered in the meantime, joking around because neither of them was able to eat their food with chopsticks properly, Rianne surprised Jay by being a very passionate sports-watcher.

"I thought you had no clue who is playing against who and what this is all about?" Jay asked her at some point.

"I don't, but I guess I can **pretend** to be fully invested like a pro and I picked up on a thing or two while living in this city and being around men most of the time…"

After the Cubs lost by far and Jay was pouting a little, they switched channels and landed on a rerun of "New Girl" episodes, which got Rianne excited, because she absolutely loved this series, so Jay finally gave in.

"I've probably watched it 5 times already, but I still love it. That's like my dream household," she gushed.

Also it was nice to watch it with someone not familiar with it again.  
Noticing they often spontaneously laughed at the same jokes, Rianne found herself relaxing more and more into this. With her head on Jay's chest, legs stretched out on the couch, while he had his feet propped up on his coffee table, it was cozy and cuddly to an extend she could tolerate.  
Her concentration on the series was soon forgotten when his hands did not only rest warmly on her hip, but slowly wandered up and down her thigh and under her shirt-dress, his fingers drawing circles on her back and ribcage. Her heart was thumping wildly and she was afraid she would soon begin to purr like a cat, because it felt so good.

"What do you think you're doing there?" She looked up at Jay out of the corner of her eye.

"Nothing, I'm just watching. I really wanna see this, so if you could keep quiet it would be highly appreciated…" he feigned innocence and kept his eyes fixed on the TV, but let his hands wander even deeper down her back until he had reached her behind.

"Yeah, right… I think it's called slow torture what you're doing…" But two could play this game she thought.


	19. Wild Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING, be advised: M Rating, so some steamy action is going to happen here, felt it was time again for those two passionate and physical people.
> 
> I hope you're still enjoying this! According to the season 7 storyline you all know what will happen soon (like in 2 chapters maybe...). Should be interesting to see how that turns out in the altered version of it.
> 
> Chapter Title "Wild Love" by James Bay

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne had excused herself to go to the bathroom.  
When she returned Jay'd not moved from the couch, but was going through his phone.

'Try to concentrate now, Halstead…' she thought and pulled her dress over her head, when she noticed him watching her walk back into the room, and threw it to the ground.

She was satisfied with herself that she'd made an effort to wear a matching set of dark green lace panties and see-through bra. Jay's jaw dropped a few inches she registered in her peripheral vision as she was not looking at him on purpose.  
As if she was still fully dressed she slumped down on the other corner of the couch, pretending to be watching the show again.

"Ehh… what do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know what you mean, I'm just watching the show…" she bit her lip to keep herself from smiling too widely and still kept her eyes on the screen.

Within two seconds Jay had taken her feet and pulled her over to his side of the sofa, pinning her under him with his body and kissed her passionately. Pressing his lower body into hers she felt what she'd been longing to feel more of since Thursday. Pulling himself up and taking her with him, Rianne was soon again sitting on Jay's lap like she had sat on it in the car, with less obstacles between them, more room, less clothing, nicer atmosphere.  
When she tried to take off his shirt though it was like she had hit a wall. Jay caught her hands in his, continued kissing her, but she noticed he wasn't in it like before, although some parts of him still were obviously fully attracted to her. She stopped immediately what she was doing and looked at him wide-eyed:

* * *

"Are you going soft on me?" Sensing his inner restraint and hesitation she slapped his chest hard, offended by his sudden lack of passion.

Jay sighed, frustrated with himself, but nevertheless tired of hiding the truth from her and slapping the brakes on.

"It's just… you drive me so fucking crazy that I'm afraid I won't be able to hold back."

"But you don't have to hold back with me, not ever! Why would you wanna hold back?" Rianne looked at him as if she couldn't believe he was even trying to.

"I feel like I totally blew it last time, so…"

She didn't let him finish, putting her hand over his mouth: "D'you trust me?"

"I think I am beginning to. I only trust myself less right now," Jay kissed her collarbone apologetically.

To feel her soft skin under his lips was everything he'd wished for in the last two weeks. He wanted to tear the rest of her clothes off and take her right here on this couch, but somehow he froze. Rianne placed her small strong hands on his shoulders and squeezed them tight:

"Do I really look like that fragile woman, who is afraid of that or doesn't want you touching her ever again?"

"No, you certainly don't!"

"Okay, then, glad we established that! Jay, you don't have to hide from me! We can do it any way **you** want or how **I** want it! Standing up, sitting down, laying on the ground, everywhere we like, rough and soft, quick or slow: As long as you're in it with me and not some place else in your thick head!" She pulled at the hair at the back of his neck, making him look up into her fiery eyes, giving her words so much more meaning by doing so.

Jay groaned in agony because she was putting all kinds of images in his head and was rubbing her lower body over the place where there was a very obvious erection poking her through her lacy underwear. This woman would probably be the death of him without even trying too hard.

"Are you with me then?" Rianne insisted on him giving her some kind of signal, a 'go' sign.

He just nodded cautiously and watched her slide from his lap on to her knees in front of him.

"So take off your shirt!" she ordered.

Jay still hesitated for a second, it was really hard to let loose when he was afraid he would maybe hurt the person he wanted to hurt least in the world right now. And he thought he knew what she was about to do.

"Jay, take off your fucking shirt or I'll seriously hurt you! Let me do this for you!" Rianne was adamant, getting a little impatient with him, so he finally got rid of his shirt, his chest heaving with his elaborated breathing.

She hooked her sneaky fingers into the waistband of his sweats and pulled them down his legs in one swift motion, peeling them away from his feet as well. He was sitting in front of her stark naked now, her eyes roaming over his body in appreciation:

"Are you going commando in your time off all the time?" She smiled, commenting on the fact he hadn't bothered to put on any underwear when he'd changed earlier.

He found himself reciprocating her grin and relax a bit. Somehow she often managed to marry playful- with seriousness.  
Crawling closer on her knees she inserted her upper body in between his legs, sliding her fingertips up his thighs and over his sides slowly, flicking his nipples as she went to wrap her hands them around his shoulders while she kissed and licked her way up his torso, her hair tickling his skin. Goose-bumps kept spreading over his whole body.  
The heat in her eyes when she reached his chin and looked up at him made the breath hitch in his throat. Jay pulled her to him to kiss her, finally deep and longingly. Rianne restrained his hands away from her body to keep him from touching her and her lips traveled their way downwards again.  
Lingering over his crotch she blew her hot breath on him. Jay threw his head back against the couch growling frustratedly and struggled to keep it together, already getting harder by the minute although she hadn't really touched him yet. When she finally took him inside of her hot, wet mouth he thought he was done on the spot.

"Oh, fuck this is unreal…" It was almost getting too much to bear too soon.

He still kept trying to fight it, reign himself in somehow, while she sucked and licked along his hard length pulsating with need.  
When she made him get up from the couch and knelt in front of him, he almost didn't know what to do with himself. Towering over her he was at the power-advantage that he was so afraid of. But she kept steering him along, showing him she trusted him with her body.  
Rianne continued her exquisite torture, grabbing on to his butt hard and letting him slide in and out of her mouth. Tentatively he ran his fingers through her hair and over her face, watched her take him and them quickly finding a rhythm together. He was slowly nearing his climax, but something was still keeping him from shutting off his brain completely.

Rianne stopped for a moment, got up, unclasped her bra and slowly peeled it off before his eyes. Her perky breasts perfectly stood to attention, his eyes eating up every inch of her naked and delicately tattooed skin. Then she pushed down her panties. Having done so she took his hand in hers and made him touch her hot core. Jay's eyes rolled back in his head, she was unbelievably wet and sighing longingly at the contact. His cock twitched in anticipation.

"See what you're doing to me? How much I want this, you?" Rianne said before she kissed him hotly on his neck and chin.

"Just let go Jay!" She whispered near his mouth and with one last meaningful look into his eyes she went down on her heels, her left hand wandering down his torso, her right reaching between her legs, where his fingers just had been.

Seeing her touch herself, enjoying his lust and arousal, being totally uninhibited about her own, Jay felt himself finally slip over the edge. Within a minute he found he was pushing himself into her waiting mouth deeper and deeper, not able to stop and find his release inside of it, hearing himself cry out hoarsely. In the aftermath of his orgasm he was shaking all over, his legs feeling like jello. A heat shower ran down his back and for a moment his thoughts were just blissfully blank.

Rianne stood up slowly, kissing along his hips, ribcage and chest as she went. Her cheeks were also flushed, her eyes glazed over. She put her hand over his heavy beating heart and leaned her forehead against his sternum, breathing along with him.

When he had physically composed himself a little, Jay scooped her up in his arms, not saying a word, feeling too choked up by his emotions.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking you to bed!" He kissed her hard on the mouth, feeling overwhelmed that she wanted him so much and that she wasn't afraid to show him.

He could still taste himself on her lips and tongue.  
There was so much he wasn't able to express any other way than try to give back to her what she had just given to him. Acceptance, an outlet, appreciation.  
With Jay handling her body like it was some precious cargo, their sex was agonizingly slow and gentle for the first time. Keeping their eyes on each other all the way there was a new intimacy to it that both of them feared but kept looking for as well.

* * *

Even if it was already 2 a.m. when they finally lay side by side, panting and a little sweaty from their exertions, they would not go to sleep yet.  
Somehow it felt like they had to use all the time they had left before morning. Rianne was caressing Jay's chest with her fingertips and pressing her lips softly to it a few times, marveling at all his freckles. He had noticed by now she was a little obsessed with them:

"Maybe this is creepy but I just I really love how they are everywhere…I could look at them all day long," she laughed a little sheepishly, then buried her head into his side.

"I was teased so much because of them as a child," Jay stated, thinking of all the stupid jokes kids had made. Even still in high-school.

"That is so lame! I think it's because people are jealous… In secret they all wanna belong to that special club."

"Thank God you're in it too!"

Her skin was not quite so fair as his, it was more golden and there weren't freckles all over her body, but on her face and shoulders and arms they were clearly to be found.

"Yeah, but in the winter they have a tendency to pale. Guess I'm more the summer-freckles type instead of the all year round model. My mum's skin is more like yours actually."

Jay rolled onto his side to be able to get a better look at her face while she was telling him this. She had never really spoken much about her mum until now and he was curious:

"Yeah? What is she like?"

"Dutch… tough, red hair like **really** "Pippi Longstocking-red" hair. Thin, tall, very serious, doesn't handle feelings well, hated when my father and I got emotional and passionate about something…thinks I am wasting my potential by being a social worker with just a psychology degree and not a successful lawyer like her…"

She was quiet for a while and he didn't know what else to ask. There seemed to be a conflict unsolved between the two women. Rianne beat him to it though with an unexpected personal inquiry, tenderly running her fingers through his hair while she did:

"How was your mom? Will told me she died of cancer a while back, when he was working in New York and you came back from the war…?"

"Yeah… we don't talk about her that much, it's sort of a sore topic between us."

And unbelievably so it had been already nine years since she had passed. His heart still ached at the thought of it.

"She was… gentle, warm, brunette actually. We don't know where Will got that hair from, because my father wasn't a red-head either. Sometimes I think he is adopted… My mom was way too nice to my dad, got hurt a lot by his choleric outbreaks. Never physically, but emotionally. She tried to keep quiet about everything concerning her, never wanted to be a burden to anyone…"

'And I'm sure she would have liked you,' he thought, surprising himself.

Jay hadn't thought about his mother that much for a while, at least not that way. But yeah, he was sure that Rianne would have been a woman after her taste. On that note he pressed a long and heartfelt kiss to her forehead and pulled the covers up around them.

* * *

When Rianne woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly finding it hard to breathe and fighting back the feeling yet another dream about her past had left her with, the sight of Jay breathing evenly beside her calmed her down. He just wore his boxers and had the blanket that was still covering her, kicked away from him at some time during the night. The ac was off somehow and it had been really warm for the end of September during the last days. He looked peaceful, his lips half-open, breathing out warmth and exhaustion.

Rianne just had to kiss him on the small pale birthmark, barely recognizable under the stubble on his right upper lip. She touched his warm chest feeling the heat radiating from him and wiped away the small glint of sweat that she discovered. She also kissed him on his closed eyelids; his long dark lashes touching his pale, freckled cheeks. She really adored them!  
Then she tried to kill the bedside lamp he'd left on earlier and that they had fallen asleep to. As she reached over, Jay stirred a bit in his sleep and moved his body closer to hers. Rianne curled up against him as well. He was just so sweet when he let his guard down. Like a little boy without a care in the world. She studied the line of his jaw that wasn't clenched either in a sarcastic smirk or an angry set position, like Rianne had seen so many times. There was this whole different side to him that she felt not many people got to see. She pressed her lips to it.

Kim was pregnant, Adam was going to be a dad... Maybe she could be okay with it if she just held on to her own kind of distraction, her own kind of new.  
Jay was getting pretty good at taking her mind off things and changing her perspective… He was an affirmation to her inner conviction that unexpected things and developments were always just around the corner.

Being the light sleeper that he was Jay's body had registered she was awake. His hands reached for her waist and slipped underneath her top, caressing her back.  
He opened his eyes just shortly and looked at her, as if making sure she was really there, but he was still half-asleep. She took his face in her hands and sealed his mouth with her lips and he instantly engaged in the kiss. The languid dance of their tongues made her shiver with newly awoken desire. Rianne ran her nails along his back, clutching him nearer and he moaned deeply, kissing her even harder.

Jay pushed down her slip and his boxers and didn't waste any unnecessary time before he slid his already hard length into her.  
She was readily waiting for him. She found she always was.

* * *

At dawn when the first rays of sunlight slipped into the room Jay awoke of his near comatose sleep.  
It had been an exhausting day and certainly an exhausting night of goodbye-sex.  
He slowly turned and found Rianne still lying next to him, breathing evenly in her sleep, curled up like a little kitten. She really had stayed over and he had slept throughout the night without waking up from a nightmare once. He didn't know what to think of that, but somehow she had managed to do that for him the last time she had accidentally stayed as well. Jay had just assumed that it had been because he had already had his epic break-down and cry before they fell asleep.

He was taken away by a wave of affection almost overwhelming him. Reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, his heart skipped a beat when Rianne turned her cheek towards the touch of his hand and sighed dreamily. It seemed while she was sleeping her intimacy-issues were non-existent. Although he had to say she'd been getting better at that day by day.

What was it about her that made him want her so much, despite all the warning signs still existent in his head?  
If only he knew how to love more lightly. But once his stupid heart felt something for someone there were no boundaries, no safety-net. Maybe Hailey had been right about him after all.  
He knew by now he couldn't shake her anymore, probably without intending to she had weaseled her way into his heart. Jay hadn't really been looking for a relationship or something like that, he hadn't even really felt like he was missing something until now. To wake up like this was a whole different story than waking up alone or to the face of a total stranger.

Jay kissed her on her freckled forehead and got out of bed to make them some coffee. When he went to look at his undercover phone he sighed.  
There was a message from Angela, asking if he was still coming over to teach Bobby some baseball and look after him while she went on a job interview tomorrow. Yeah... he was, even though when he watched Rianne still lying in his bed he felt that it was not a good idea. But he had to go through with it anyway, not being able to deal with the guilt he still felt, in any other way.

* * *

_She woke up, drenched in sweat, bleeding out. At least she was afraid she was. Machines were beeping, nurses running around, frantic actions surrounding her and she couldn't move, just felt that unbearable pain in her belly. Her only thought was that this couldn't be true, couldn't be happening. Not after everything that she had fought for.  
_ _Maybe it was her punishment, she hadn't been careful enough. It was her fault. She knew she would lose her son, there was no saving him this time…_

Waking up to a different reality, Rianne clutched her stomach. Coming to her senses she registered that she indeed was feeling pain, but when she went to go to the bathroom she noticed that simply her period had started.  
Never really a pleasant time of the month, but under the circumstances a relief nonetheless.

She checked her phone to get the time and decided to be brave and text Jay:

_"Thanks for last night. It was a nice send-off… "_

A minute later her screen flashed with a new message. She was surprised to see that he'd answered already. After all it was 4 a.m. in Chicago:

**_"You're welcome! Why're you still awake? Partying already?"_ **

_"No, bad dream. Why're you up?"_

**_"Same… But I just got notified that we caught a case, so I guess I felt it in my bones. Definitely slept better with you beside me though."_ **

_"Yeah… it was okay I guess ."_

**_"Can't you say that with feeling?"_ **

_"Look to the beginning of our conversation!? Also I remember a certain guy complaining about me teasing him with blunt statements about how much I want him when I don't let actions follow…"_

**_"You got a point there, but it's still nice to hear sometimes!"_ **

_"Didn't you catch a case?"_

**_"Yep… Getting into the truck now…"_ **

_"Okay, be safe and Jay?"_

**_"…still here…"_ **

_"I really like sleeping with you too!"_

She always had to remind herself to keep breathing whenever she admitted something like that out loud to him, worse: by text. It was even more difficult to take something back one had written rather than just said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to some great songs and thought they fit the mood between Rianne and Jay at the end of this chapter, at least how I see them. Maybe you want to give them a listen too:
> 
> James Bay - Wild Love (Acoustic)
> 
> Sheryl Crow - I shall believe (all time favorite of mine!)
> 
> Bahamas - Lost in the light


	20. Wait For Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Wait For Me" by Kings Of Leon

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

_"Hey, Jay - I am gonna regret this in the morning, but my younger cousin kind of challenged me, so here goes nothing: I fucking miss you!  
Wish I was already back in Chicago! You could come and pick me up before I drink even more, and we could, ya know, do everything we did last weekend all over again and… or dance! I wonder what it's like to dance with you... You see I really wanna be with you right now! I mean... I... how you touch me it's just out of this world - I may have even told my cousins that… Oh my god, I am making a fool of myself. Sorry, I… Ay Louisa: Cómo puedo borrar lo que acabo de grabar? Ow...shit!"_

* * *

Will watched his brother, who was barely able to hide the big fat grin on his face, come back into Molly's.  
So that phone business he had went to take care of outside couldn't have been work-related.

"Who are you and what have you done to my brother?" Will nudged his side slightly when Jay returned to the bar.

"Nothing." The younger one took up his bottle of beer to drown it and switch to something non-alcoholic like he usually did when driving home himself.

"Jay, you should seriously take a look in the mirror! I think I haven't seen you grin like that in ages..."

Contemplating if he should open up Jay was silent for a moment, playing with the label on his bottle.

"Alright... I just got a voice message from Rianne, a pretty drunk one... I think she tried to delete it and accidentally sent it... she's at her cousin's wedding in LA tonight. So, yeah... she basically said she misses me and some other... stuff... this is so stupid, I feel like I am 16 again."

There was another pause on Jay's end before he laughed incredulously and looked Will straight in the eyes:

"Man, I think I am head over heels for this woman! And I don't even know when it happened!"

Will had thought he would not live to see the day that his brother blushed over admitting he had a crush on someone. But Jay indeed was grinning like an idiot and scratching his cheek, which Will knew was a gesture of sheepishness with him.

"So? That's great news bro! I'm happy for you!"

Not that he wouldn't have liked to tell Jay that he had told him so all along, but he kept his mouth shut for once. Will still thought he had played an important role in pushing these two knuckleheads in the right direction. Of course Jay wouldn't be Jay if he didn't find a fault with a good thing:

"...and yet I keep thinking: I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be this giddy and happy and forget about everything else when I am with her."

"That is exactly what you deserve Jay! This is good for you - don't let yourself convince you otherwise! You know that there is so much more to life than work!" he cried out exasperatedly.

Sometimes he wondered if Jay and him were really related. Their attitude towards life was so different. Not that the feeling to be undeserving was so foreign to Will and he was certainly a workaholic too, it ran in the family, but Jay seemed to have a subscription to it.

"Just go be with her as soon as she's back! Tell her how you feel and make this a real thing!"

"Don't you think it's too soon? I mean she told me she could only take this step by step. You know her history probably better than I do, so this is not like she's **any** woman."

"No, she's certainly not. But she somehow chose you. If she wanted out she'd be out by now, trust me. Rianne doesn't need you per se, but she obviously wants you! Although I am not sure what is so special about your stubborn ass..." Will chuckled lightly at Jay's indignant glance:

"I am kidding! Sometimes you need to stop thinking so much and just act on your feelings! She's a grown woman, you know she will decide for herself what she can and can't handle. From what **I** can tell by how you two look at each other: this is obviously more than just a little fling!"

Will thought they could be a whole lot more together. He had seen it in both their eyes when they had been at Molly's last week and he had felt it in his gut for a whole while longer. Rianne's positive energy could keep Jay up and going and get over that glumness he carried around with him, her unconventional ways would keep his brother from growing old and too serious before his time. Jay on the other hand could show her that it was possible to fully rely on someone, someone who would be there if she needed him to, no matter what, come hell or high water. And it was a first that Jay didn't get all knight in shining armor when it came to a woman. He had tried to save Erin constantly although this one had not wanted to be saved as Will had tried to keep telling him. He had never been convinced that she had been the one his brother should get married to. Jay had tried the saving part with Camila as well somehow and Abby had been a match made under tragic circumstances.  
Will had noticed that Jay seemed to understand that Rianne was well able to decide and act on her own and respected that a lot. The only question was if they could let their guard down with each other enough and put their respective fears aside to give it a try and be in a real relationship and not fall into a constant back and forth dance.

Jay let Will's words sit with him for a moment, face in wrinkles, until he leaned over the bar to their curly-haired bartender, obviously having made up his mind.  
A soft smile was cracking through his stern features that warmed Will's heart:

"Stella, do you mind if I relieve you of your airport duty tomorrow?"

* * *

The United flight 1069 from LA had touched ground on time at 6.15 p.m.  
Jay had been watching the arrivals board eagerly. He spotted her as soon as she walked out of baggage claim, like a spotlight was directed at her.

Rianne was looking around the people waiting for their loved ones, business partners, friends and family, scanning through the crowd and seemed confused. Of course she expected someone else to be there and not him and he had fun hiding away until the right moment arrived.

Wearing a baggy Levis 501 and a crop top, a Cubs' ball cap (he actually wondered if it was his…) sunglasses and some of her worn dark-brown Birkenstock's, she looked very hipster and touristy for once. Also Jay noticed she was dragging her feet in front of her carry-on while making her way to the exit.  
Maybe she was tired from the flight and the week of partying, supposedly still hungover from yesterday night. Telling by the background noises, music and laughter and foreign word fragments of her voice message it had to have been one hell of a wedding party. He felt the excitement of having her close to him again bubble up inside of him. Seeing her in person Jay was even more convinced that yes he wanted this to be a regular thing! A normal boyfriend picks up girlfriend at the airport or whatever else one did for another when in a declared relationship.

When she obviously wasn't able to locate her expected chauffeur in the crowd, Rianne stopped her journey close to the exit doors and pulled out her cell-phone, probably calling Stella or typing a message to her where the hell she was. Before she could finish doing that Jay used her distraction to sneak up on her from behind and grab one of her elbows:

"Excuse me, I need you to come with me Ma'am!" He ordered seriously, managing to keep himself from laughing out loud instantly when she jerked around, eyebrows raised in shock under her shades:

"What?!"

When she recognized him she clutched her heart in shock: "What the fuck Jay?"

He thought this was hilarious, having caught her off-guard. Punching his upper arm she made clear that she didn't share his amusement, still trying to get her bearings. His hand actually flew up to the spot where she has hit him in slight pain. Rianne certainly threw one hell of a punch:

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist," yet he was still laughing.

"You scared the hell out of me! Where's Stella?" She took off her sunglasses to squint at him.

Her eyes were indeed a little red rimmed from lack of sleep, her skin paler than usual.

"Gee thanks, don't get too excited to see me! Sounded different last night… Must have heard wrong that you wanted me to pick you up as soon as possible..."

A slight doubt set in if this had been such a good idea but Jay tried to keep his confidence level up and let it play out.

"You know I am a Capricorn. We don't do too well with sudden changes of plans and surprises…" she explained a little grumpy, not even commenting on her drunk message.

"Okay, my bad. I'm calling Stella then to make sure she gets here soon…" Jay played offended, taking out his phone and pretended to call indeed, when Rianne snatched it out of his hand and threw her arms around him.

"No, silly! I am sorry! You just caught me completely off-guard and I am still so fucking hung over…and completely embarrassed because I drunk called you like some desperate horny minx last night…" she mumbled pressed against his shoulder, laughing a bit at the last part of her speech.

It felt like his whole body drew a deep breath at the sudden contact with hers. He knew by now why his brother and everyone else liked to hug her. Rianne really gave good hugs, tight and warm, honestly affectionate. Surely he was glad he was the only Halstead that got to kiss her as well. Not being able to wait another minute, he intended to just do that right now.  
Jay caught her head between his hands and pried her face off his body. She tried to resist at first. He couldn't help but chuckle at her embarrassment, when she added:

"I thought I'd have a little more time to prepare an explanation for my actions...," while biting her lip and looking up at him ruefully.

"You don't have to explain being attracted to me… I already kind of knew that..."

"Very funny, so why did you text: 'We'll talk about this when you get back! Have a safe flight!' Sounded so serious…" She mimicked what she thought was his serious voice while saying that.

If only she wasn't so argumentative... Jay sighed:

"Maybe I forgot to put the 'talk' into quotation marks, because I meant something like that 'talk'…" Sealing her lips with his he instantly felt that familiar warmth spreading through him, that touching and feeling her always managed to do.

When she let it happen and softly sucked his upper lip into her mouth putting a tender hand over his heart, its beat accelerated even more. She let go too soon for his liking and watched him warily for a moment:

"Okay, now I get it… I'm glad we 'talked' then." Her tone was breathy and gentle.

She brushed her hands down his arms and locked her fingers with his, looking down at them. He loved when she was shy, because he felt not many people got to see this side of her.  
Registering that this was probably the most public place they had ever shared a kiss before Jay smiled to himself.  
When everything else wasn't exactly right at the moment: This certainly felt right!  
And he was even more sure now that things had changed between them somehow since that last night at his place.

"Is this my Cubs ball-cap by the way?" He broke the silence between them, motioning to her headgear.

Smiling guiltily Rianne took it off and put it on his head: "Might have some kleptomaniac symptoms when it comes to clothing… It's effin' cold here though."

"Certainly no California weather in the Mid-West," Jay shrugged out of his black quilted jacket with the yellow inlay he loved and gave it to her, even though of course she could have just put on her cardigan that was knotted around her hips.

Looking at her with his clothes on though never got old and felt a little too good to pass on the chance. Maybe it was a bit like marking his territory.

"Thank you! You realize you'll probably never gonna get to see this in your wardrobe again…" she grinned and he pulled her into him, kissed her nose and put the ball-cap back on her head.

"Someday when you least expect it I will just steal it back…" He took her carry-on from her, put his arm around her shoulder and started walking them into the parking-lot of the airport.

"So, I have to run by the station real quick, because I forgot to file a report. But after that I thought we could grab something to eat, make the most of that sparse time you have until you jet off again." He was relating to the fact that Rianne had to go attend a work conference in Detroit from Tuesday to Friday next week and wouldn't be around again.

So he intended to get as much time with her as he could.

"Sounds good! As long as you crank the car heating up in the meantime!...You've parked in the restricted area by the way." Rianne mentioned when they had reached his truck.

"I guess that's just one of the perks of dating a cop... you never have to walk too far..." He quipped while putting her luggage in the back seat.

"Oh, so we're dating now, are we?" Rianne raised her eyebrows at him and smiled a little mocking smile.

He knew by now that sarcasm and witty comebacks were her defense mechanism, so he didn't comment on that, just shrugged his shoulders apologetically and got behind the wheel. He would let the prospect sit with her for a while.

* * *

While Jay ran into the precinct Rianne stayed behind in the truck, because he said he wouldn't be long.  
She texted Nate "change of plans", she would probably not come home until tomorrow, asking him to take care of Límon for another night. Then she contacted Stella:

_"You sneaky person! Quite a surprise at the airport today…"_

**"Sorry, but not sorry! Jay just asked so nicely! And I thought you'd appreciate spending time with your man since you're only in town for less than 48 hours!"**

_"He's not my man!" _

**"Heard that before - I am not buying into it! Now if you please got over yourself and let him be exactly that: He would in a heartbeat, believe me!"**

Pocketing her phone she glanced out of the window to see if Jay was coming back already. There was very little action around the precinct and no Jay to be seen yet. So Rianne decided to rest her eyes for a little while, feeling overwhelmed and certainly still a bit queasy as well as tremendously tired. She had not been able to sleep very much neither last night nor on the flight. The wedding and all the other festivities in advance really had been something under the Californian sun.  
Snuggling up into Jay's jacket that smelled so heavenly of him helped a lot to get comfortable right now.

It had been surprisingly nice and uncomplicated being around some extended family. Rianne had always liked her uncle, a younger brother of her father, his wife and their offspring of two bubbly and somewhat flighty daughters. They didn't see much of each other, but when they did it was always easy to fit in and fall back into a natural attachment that one only ever felt with family. At least with any other family members than her parents.

That family's view of life was a lighter, more carefree one which sometimes struck Rianne as naive, but then: nothing bad or tragic had ever happened to them.  
Rianne's fate probably was the closest to witnessing a catastrophe that they had ever come. They were honest and compassionate people who liked a good fiesta and she had found she could spark off these positive vibes a lot, recharge her batteries.

Without intending to bring up the newest developments in her life, involving Jay, Rianne's aura seemed to have given her away. From Day One her cousins Louisa and Esma had been on her case that she looked soooo radiant, ravishing and sooo unusually thin that there had to be another man in her life. Deflection hadn't worked with them so there had been the squealing full girly session of admitting to it and having to tell them everything about the last weeks. Or at least the romantic highlights. Rianne was still careful about what she shared and what she kept to herself and she was a pro at that. But somehow it changed something inside of her - the fact that more people kept telling her that it was okay. It was okay to move on, only natural to be attracted to another man and oh how lucky was she that she had found someone that made her skin look so great. It had been nice to feel like a normal 30-something year old single woman with a new love-interest for a while. Had she just been thinking 'love-interest'?

That she was missing seeing Jay so much throughout this week was frightening. Seeing him now so unexpectedly waiting for her at the airport she was running out of reasons to not wanna be with him on a more official and permanent level. Him not running for the hills after she'd sent him that god-awful message really did count for something.

Rianne was a little startled when she woke up and noticed that the car was already moving again, Jay's hand resting on her knee, his warmth seeping through the fabric of her jeans. He'd just pulled to a sudden stop at a red light, maybe that had woken her up:

"Oh, right, someone kidnapped me in a car…" she joked and tried to recognize some street signs to find out where they were and how long she'd been asleep.

"It slightly worries me that you were indeed so out of it that it would have been possible without even drugging you…" Jay raised his eyebrows at her and continued the drive.

"I just wanted to rest my eyes for a second…" she sighed and scooted over in her seat to be closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

He rubbed her knee affectionately. Damn him for making her want to crawl into him all the time!

"I am still so hungover…it's not funny…" Rianne whined and regretted getting that drunk for at least the 100th time since yesterday.

"That's what bachelorette parties and weddings will do to you…" Jay wasn't even trying to hide the slight gloating from his voice.

"Yeah, just wait and see till your next slip up comes along - I'll be the one waiting and pointing fingers…" It was already said before she registered that she'd adapted his self-evident talk about being in each other lives in the future.

Her heart was momentarily in her throat, gauging his reaction.

"I actually would like that…Are you hungry now?" She was certain he had caught onto her insecurity, but played it cool.

"I think I need something really greasy…"

Even though her stomach lurched at the mere thought of food she knew that she always felt better after having some real junk food with her hangover.

"So… deep dish?" Jay winked at her and pulled into a street she recognized as one in Wicker Park.

"Read my mind… but could we take some to go and eat it lying on your couch? I think I don't feel very social and presentable at the moment."

"Just admit that you liked snuggling up with me on that couch last week!" Jay looked very pleased with himself for a minute after her request and shortly dipped his head down a bit to rub his cheek along her forehead before he concentrated on driving again.

"Yeah… that too!" And she liked seeing him this happy about small things and his little gestures of affection.

* * *

The evening ended a little different than Jay had imagined.  
They made it to his apartment with deliciously greasy food and dug in instantly, talking about her family week, wedding stories and Chicago News, then turned their attention back to the TV where the Bear's game was on. They discussed how good it had felt to Rianne to get out of the city for a while and experience a change of scenery which led to some vague plans to go at least on a hike together when Rianne got back from her trauma conference next weekend.

At one point Jay asked her a question and found she'd dosed off again, her head in his lap, legs - clad in one of his sweatpants because she had claimed them to be comfier and warmer than her Levis - stretched out all over the couch. She was even snoring a little, out like a light. Jay kept brushing her hair back from her ears like he'd been doing for a while now, his heart swelling.

She looked so young for someone who's life experience could probably fill a very thick novel.  
Just now she was looking like a sweet little girl, a devilish one he might add. And again he liked to be one of the few people who knew that. Even though he'd thought of getting a little more physical tonight he couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. The fact that Rianne trusted him enough to let herself fall asleep like that meant something to him. And he felt the same with her by his side. It amazed him how a relatively short amount of time with someone could mean and change so much.

Looking forward to a night beside her warm body he carried her over into the bedroom, got changed for the night and slipped under the covers with her. Not once during his scrambling around did she wake up, it was fascinating. Jay prayed he would for once have a good night of sleep purely because of her being here. His last ones had been pretty restless.  
Her habit to sleep really close to him already felt so familiar. Once he'd pulled her into him, her arms and legs shot out grasping on to his body like she was a little spider monkey, almost laying down on top of him. Instead of feeling like he hadn't enough room to move or breathe Jay thought she safely belonged right there.

* * *

"Jay, Jay?" A little panicked Rianne started checking every room, until she was more than a little worried.

She had woken up at 5 a.m. only to find herself in a bed she didn't remember falling asleep in and with an empty and cold space beside her. Quickly recognizing that she was at Jay's and he was missing from the picture she'd gone to search for him, but to no avail.  
Trying to calm down she then went to check her phone. Genious thought!  
Reading the text Jay had sent to her, her heartbeat calmed down incredibly and she sank down on his couch, writing a reply instantly. He'd explained that he had had to leave because Voight had called his unit in early to work a case and he didn't want to wake her up from her much needed sleep.

_"Jay I am so sorry, first that drunken rambling and then I fall asleep on you... real classy!"_

It did take a while before he replied, because he of course was working. Rianne used the time to make up the bed and managed to get some coffee going, rummaging through Jay's more than sparsely equipped cupboards. She was wide awake now.

**_"Hope you feel well rested at least! I am sorry I had to leave in the middle of the night. Would have wished for more time awake together..."_ **

_"Me too, I feel so bad. Come over to my place tonight, I'll even cook…"_

**_"Expect me to take advantage of your guilty conscience! Plan sounds great. I'll see you tonight!"_ **

_"I will take it up with Voight personally if he doesn't let you go on time!"_

**_"Would want a front-row seat to that babe! You can take my truck by the way. Hailey picked me up. Spare keys are in the top drawer in the hall, also those to close up the apartment with (please use them?)!"_ **

Her heart was in her throat while she read his text sipping her coffee on the little bay-window seat she had wanted to try out since she'd first been to his place.  
First he called her 'babe' and then he let her take his truck? It made sense since she had no car here and would have had to take a cab or an uber to Streeterville and he could get his car back when coming to her place later anyway, but... it felt so relationshippy... and yet she was able to recover from that relatively quick, still happy that he couldn't see her face right now:

_"You serious?"_

**_"Yeah, think you can handle it?"_ **

_"Pulease, if I can handle your big ego, I can certainly handle your car's."_

**_"Good one, but seriously: be gentle!"_ **

* * *

Whistling to herself when entering her beloved home, not only with her carry-on, but a lot of groceries she had gotten on the way over here, adamant to make it up to Jay with a fancy dinner, Rianne immediately stopped in her tracks.  
Something wasn't right. She should have guessed by the amount of mail in the letter-box downstairs that Nate was not home. He normally was very responsible about emptying the mail every day and sort it into piles of "his" and "hers" in the entrance. The hallway wardrobe was suspiciously empty and there were several pairs of his shoes missing. Límon came running up to her meowing angrily when she passed the kitchen area that was spotless.

Dropping everything where she stood Rianne ran up the stairs:  
Nate's guitar on the gallery was gone and when she went into his room her heart almost stopped: it was not entirely empty, but empty of him and some important memorabilia that had always been there. His bed was stripped of its bedding and his clothes were halfway gone.  
Running back through the loft she searched for anything that would give her a clue as to what had happened here and finally she found a letter pinned to the door of her room.

It contained some handwritten, hastily scribbled words.  
Nate let her know that he had decided to take his long overdue vacation days because he had to take some time for himself. He was short and a bit cryptic, wrote something about this being a chance for the two of them to figure out which direction they both wanted to go from there. That he hadn't been feeling okay lately and needed to be alone and think. He still loved her though and would be in touch. Think about what?

Rianne was rattled and confused. This had to be a joke. Obviously she didn't know, that when she had left to be with Jay a week ago, Adam and Nate hadn't just talked about Kim being pregnant, that somehow another topic had been on the cousins minds.  
What the hell? He just up and left? Where to, with whom and still she didn't really get the why?  
Since when had he been gone and who had been looking after the cat? Sometimes it was astonishing which questions came up first in a crisis...

He was talking about taking his vacation days. A vacation meant that one was planning on coming back, but from the state of his room it looked more like he had moved out permanently.

Rianne needed to talk to him. Only problem was that he did not take her calls, his mobile was even switched off.  
Feeling like someone owed her an explanation, she terrorized Adam by calling him nonstop. When he finally picked up he was obviously busy, but agreed to come by as soon as the chance presented itself. At least he didn't pretend like he didn't know what was going on and she was adamant that the chance to come by better present itself rather sooner than later.


	21. Be Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Be Mine" by Ofenbach

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne kept herself busy preparing a creamy tuscan chicken with home-made pasta for dinner to not begin to tear up all of Nate's remaining stuff.  
There was an incredible lot of anger and disappointment bubbling inside her.  
Also she was fuming that yet again in their long friendship this was a case of the "Nate Ruzek conflict management" - just walk out!  
There was only so much left to keep herself occupied with, as she had taken the day off work before heading to Detroit the next morning. Her bags were already packed, the house clean. The one person she would have liked to vent to, Stella, was on shift. Great!  
The doorbell suddenly announced someone downstairs. She was surprised to not only see Adam, but also Kim there with him on the video, so she buzzed them both up.

"You brought back-up?" Rianne pointed at Kim when they had reached their floor.

Or maybe it was only her floor now.

"Yeah, we were on an errant run together and I wasn't sure if we'd have time later so... I hope you don't mind," Adam answered a little nervous, his features in some ways so similar to Nate's that Rianne had to brace herself to not go off on him in the absence of his cousin.

Actually she didn't mind Kim at all. Even if it might not have been Adam's intention, but Burgess' friendly face always calmed her down and knowing she was pregnant got Rianne looking at her differently too. Even if there of course was not yet anything to look at.  
So Rianne motioned for them to enter and to the big couch, she felt this was a conversation **she** at least had to sit comfortably for.  
As there was no need to beat around the bushes Adam just gave it to her straight:

"He left two days ago for his family's retreat in Mackinac Island. I will try to explain as best as I can, because I kind of feel responsible: Nate is stuck on this promise he made to Andrea that he would take care of you, if something ever happened to him. That he would be there for you, for the baby. He never thought he would actually have to. But then that worst case scenario became reality and somehow he feels like he failed Andrea." Adam paused for a moment giving her time to let this sink in. When she didn't say anything though he continued:

"I personally think Nate doesn't know how to be on his own anymore. Your lives are so deeply connected that he got scared when you suddenly didn't include him all the time, when suddenly there was another man… Right now he doesn't know how to deal with it. In my opinion he always was a little bit in love with you and Andrea both, and now the one person he was still able to hang on to is changing…"

Rianne didn't know what to feel and say here. She wasn't just now changing, she had been slowly building herself up again, of course she wasn't the same as three years before. Her first instinct was as usual defense, it felt as if **she** was somehow at fault for Nate leaving:

"I didn't mean to hurt him, I just… this thing with Jay sort of happened and…I guess I didn't take it so seriously that Nate kept butting in. I knew he didn't like it, but I just thought he was overprotective…"

"Hey, it's okay. You did nothing wrong." Adam's warm brown eyes rested on her compassionately, obviously determined to get this right:

"I think this was bound to happen at some point, somewhere along the way. Nate hasn't really been dealing with his own grief. He has been looking out for **you,** for your needs. It was maybe even a way of deflecting how much he himself was hurting that his best friend is not ever coming back. And this was his decision! He hasn't dealt with his side of the story, so I think it's best if he does and you give him time and space to do so. Not that I agree with how he handled this - I think he should at least have told you himself!"

"Look at you, big psych expert…When did you get your degree?" Rianne was surprised how much of an analysis Adam had just presented to her.

He shrugged his shoulders, but did look a bit pleased with himself. Maybe he had been practicing what to say as he must have known that she would not just let this go.

What Adam had said made sense. It **still** did hurt tremendously that Nate hadn't been able to talk to **her** about it.  
Did he think that she was not able to deal with his pain, that he couldn't lean on her the same way she had always been able to lean on him? And did it have to take Jay to bring this subject between them to the surface? The reason that had made evident to her that she wanted so much more from life than just being okay would now cost her a long-term friend? It would maybe also cost her her old family-in-law or however that would go, but she didn't want to be thinking about that right now.  
It still seemed unfair to her that she felt like having to choose again when she just had convinced herself that it was fine to feel what she felt for Jay. Or what she allowed herself to feel for him.

"I'm still mad as hell, but thanks for explaining on Nate's behalf. I hope he'll be able to discuss this in person though soon!"

While telling Adam this, one of the radios he and Kim were carrying went off. So they got up from their seats, ready to answer the call. Kim had been unusually quiet throughout this and at closer inspection she looked a bit pale.

"Congrats by the way…" Rianne took the time to address the parents to be, motioning to Adam and Kim, both looking very unwitting as to what she was applying to.

"What?"

"Yeah, I overheard you and Nate talking last week. I guess it's still top secret, but I didn't wanna lie to you. I know and I'm happy for you!"

"Oh, thank god! Maybe this is selfish, but I am so glad that somebody else knows… because…" Adam hugged her tightly to him, catching her off guard, so that she stumbled a few feet backwards.

"Adam!" Kim scolded and slapped his arm, shooting him an annoyed look.

Maybe there were some things they hadn't talked about yet. Rianne didn't want to get in the middle of this now:

"Hey big guy, one step at a time! I will gladly support you and Kim, tell me whatever you need! But I think I have to deal with one thing for now, you know? So maybe we'll talk soon and get ourselves sorted out one way or the other in the meantime."

"Yeah, of course, no worries. I get that. Are you okay for now?" Adam quickly composed himself, straightening up and glancing at Kim apologetically.

"Yep, just make sure Jay gets off in time tonight and I'll be fine!"

"I'll see what I can do about that. Oh, and I fed your cat by the way!"

* * *

Jay walked through the open door of the loft and was immediately frustrated with Rianne for that careless habit. Where the hell did she think she lived?  
He had been excited to come here all day actually as this dinner was kind of a date-like invitation. It had been a while since they had spent time at her place.

When he went down the corridor to the open living-room he was welcomed with the sight and smell of mouth-watering dinner preparations in the oven and on the large oak table. Still there was no woman to be seen, but he heard loud music from her room, that door wide open too, balcony doors as well. Jay shook his head at that, left his keys and bag by the kitchen bar and followed the noise. Inside that boho hippie cushions-and-plants-haven he was greeted with an only half-clothed Rianne. Hair still dripping wet from a recent shower and just in a top and underwear she seemed surprised by his timing as she stopped rushing around the room after he'd announced his presence with a loud throatclearing.

"I went for a run along the river bank and my whole timing was suddenly off. I didn't get to lay out my finest dress for you yet!" she claimed, but winked at him.

She had to shout over Marcus Mumford still singing of a "Hopeless Wanderer" in the background before she turned the music down.  
He wanted to seriously tell her off because of the open apartment door, but found himself catching her waist and pressing her to him tightly when she made to shimmy past him to collect some pants off the floor. It was unfair how easily she seemed to get tanned, when he took in the sunkissed skin on her naked legs and arms.

"You really shouldn't leave your door open like that - anyone could come in here and walk in on you!" Jay still had to get that off his chest.

"But I knew it was you, I buzzed you up remember? Thought I could get these clothes on before you came up, put some make-up on, seems the elevator was quicker than me!" She put her arms around his neck and looked up at him innocently.

It was hard to keep a stern face, but Rianne really had to be more careful:

"I'd rather have you play it safe without make-up and clothes."

Which she didn't need anyway in his opinion, neither make-up nor clothes.

"Alright my scaredy-pants, I'll keep that in mind..."

"Thank you," Jay finally got himself the kiss he had been anticipating since the drive over here and the one he hadn't gotten this morning and yesterday night and one for good measure anyway.

"How do you smell so fresh after that crazy-hour shift you've been working?" She ran her nose up his neck, a habit of hers he had noticed, it always gave him delicious goosebumps.

"I got changed before I got here, just for you," he breathed between kisses, appreciating her attentiveness.

Their bodies as usual seemed to be magically drawn to each other, but when Jay's hand wandered down deeper to the soft skin of her butt cheeks she broke the contact vehemently:

"No, no, no! We're gonna eat that dinner I cooked and not get carried away. So, let me put on some pants and dry my hair real quick and you go help yourself to some wine in the meantime!"

Jay reluctantly did as he was told and went back to the living-room where he saw two glasses and a bottle of red on the table. One glass was already used and half empty. So much for never drinking alcohol ever again like she had claimed yesterday. He felt a short pang of sadness rising up, red wine always reminded him of Alvin Olinsky somehow.

"Who else is coming to dinner?" He called out to her when he took in what she had been making.

"Just us two, I've noticed you can eat!" She answered from her room.

"I hope you'll help me finish all that... You seem stressed by the way..."

Jay had been briefed by Adam and wanted to build a bridge for her to talk to him about it. Also Rianne hadn't answered his earlier text asking if Nate was okay with him coming over, which had already made him suspicious. She normally always texted back, at least shortly.

"I am. This is my stress-cooking and apologizing mode!"

"What happened? Did you crash my car?"

She just scowled at him indignantly when coming into the kitchen. Jay smirked at her, well knowing that his truck was parked safe and sound around the block, and pulled her to him again:

"Just kidding, but I heard you've got some roommate issues going on? Adam told me I should look after you, because Nate took some time out from your living-arrangement?!"

That comment happened to be a trigger for Rianne's anger flaring up. Her eyes became like too little fiery machine guns pointed at him when she spat out:

"Oh right, call the cavalry! The Ruzek's have joined forces with Jay Halstead to come save a poor little damsel in distress! Jesus, you men always think so highly of yourselves. I don't need looking after for crying out loud!"

Freeing herself of his embrace she topped up her used glass, while Jay found himself momentarily at a loss as to what he had done wrong. It was like he had unintentionally thrown a burning match into an oil spill.

"Wait, I am not the enemy here! I just told you what Adam told me, as he seemed to feel bad about what Nate did or how he did it. I just know half the story!"

Rianne was only half listening to him, getting dinner ready, drinking wine, rummaging through the kitchen cupboards and drawers, making a lot of extra noise while doing so. That temperament! Jay would have found it adoring and sexy if he hadn't sensed that she was seriously hurt by whatever was going on.  
Calculating the risk of being stabbed at with a steak-knife he went to stand behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, taking in all the fury burning inside of her and trying to smother it by running his thumbs over her neck:

"Hey, stop it and talk to me!"

Jay felt her stiffen before giving in to his touch and taking a deep breath. But yet she was hesitating, as if to compose herself. When Rianne turned around to face him he could see why: Her mouth wobbled dangerously and there was moisture in her eyes, but it seemed she wouldn't let that moisture turn into real tears.

"Don't think you can lull me in with those dangerous hands of yours!" she tried another half-hearted attack and Jay threw his hands up, laughing exasperatedly:

"But I didn't even do anything!"

Then he took her chin between his thumb and forefinger, boring her eyes into hers:

"If you wanna talk, then talk. I will gladly listen, otherwise we'll just eat this deliciously smelling meal you prepared. I don't care, I just wanna spend time with you."

Anger at whatever Nate had done to put that expression in her beautiful eyes flared up inside of him too. Nobody should ever put that expression there! Jay couldn't quite switch off the protector-mode in him completely. He tried not to let her see that too plainly because he knew she wouldn't like it. Mrs. Torres Delgado liked to fend for herself!  
Rianne momentarily let her head crash against his shoulder taking a deep breath, while he caressed her hair. When she looked him in the eyes the sadness had switched places with anger and frustration again, only this time it wasn't directed at him:

"How would you possibly feel if the person you've been living with, going through hell and grievances and pain and then also some of the most exciting and happy times in your life until now, sharing music, for fuck's sake sharing almost everything in the past 12 years with, suddenly goes running for the hills without telling you in person!?"

Rianne told him what message Nate had left her and some of the things Adam had let her know. In the meantime she couldn't just stand still, so she put the food on the table and loaded up their plates, motioning for Jay to dig in. He gladly did as he had worked up a real appetite over the day and didn't get home cooked meals so often.

They went back and forth over the topic. Now that she had started it seemed she couldn't shut up and Jay didn't mind, somehow grateful that he could maybe even out the field. She had been patiently listening to his crap in the last weeks.

"I've been wrecking my brain trying to determine what I have done wrong, if I was insensitive, did I miss the signs? Did I give him the wrong impression, did I let this go on for too long, was this an unhealthy friendship? God, I am already talking past tense here, because it feels like I don't get a say in this, it feels so over, you know? You probably already regret letting me vent to you. This should just be our time..." Rianne looked up from her plate, an apologetic look in her eyes.

She'd been picking at her food while talking, Jay reached for her hand and squeezed it, urging her to get everything off her chest:

"I told you I will listen. I'm just worried that your food is getting cold. It's way too good to go to waste over Nate's dickhead move!"He was holding back more comments that were going through his head on the matter, they would not have been very helpful.

"I get it all on a professional and psychological level, it's reasonable to create some distance to see straight, but I also hate that I can relate because I just wanna be angry!"

"You can understand what he's doing but you don't have to be compassionate! There's a difference, so be angry if you wanna be angry. Or at least let **me** be angry on your behalf, I think I am getting there pretty quickly listening to all of this!"

Rianne got up and threw him a mixture of a thankful glance and an eye-roll. Clearing up their plates when they had finished she still was not done pouring her heart out:

"I don't wanna be in this guilt dance anymore. I've been there and I don't wanna bore you with all the details, but it's like he's disappointed with me on Andrea's behalf for moving on and he just ain't got no right to be!"

Jay had followed her into the kitchen, helping her clear the table and leaned against one of the counters now, arms crossed, barely containing himself. By now he just wanted to punch Nate Ruzek in the face. He'd had the feeling that something wasn't right before, that Nate's feelings for Rianne may have gone beyond a normal friendship. There had been the incident at the party with his ex-girlfriend attacking Rianne, the constant calling and messaging and of course the night he "caught" Jay and her making out in the truck. And now she was blaming herself? She shouldn't be doing that even for a second. Jay just hoped that this would not change anything between them.

They took their after-dinner-espressos on the balcony. Rianne said she needed space and air to breathe.  
As it had been mostly 71 degrees outside throughout the day it was a pretty nice and sunny October evening when clad in some thick jackets.  
She sipped her coffee leaning against the balcony railing, looking out over the river, lost in thought, before she put her cup down on the little maroccan table in the corner.  
Doing the same Jay then wrapped her tightly in his arms from behind, Rianne grabbing on to him and pushing her fingers into his jacket sleeves. They were quiet together for a while, taking in the view over the city and the water, they're breathing slowly adapting to a united rhythm. She leaned her head back on his shoulder turning a bit to kiss his jaw:

"I don't wanna feel guilty about wanting to be with you!" she whispered softly and Jay's heartbeat increased:

"Then don't!" he let out, somewhat urgently.

"I know I am not the right person to tell you this because I obviously have an ulterior motive, but ...please just don't!"

Let me be there for you and love you... He wasn't saying that but it was more than clear to him that it was what he wanted. Instead he kissed her neck and Rianne closed her eyes, letting her arms fall to the side. Reaching his hand down through the neckline of her tunic Jay caressed her collarbone, making her and himself shiver at the contact of semi-cold hands on hot skin. When she reached up to pull him in for a passionate kiss he dared himself to hope that she had chosen **not** to feel guilty about this...

* * *

"Oh wow, holy shit..." Rianne let herself fall back against her cushions.

Somewhere along the way they had taken it back inside, not able to keep their hands off each other any longer. Jay hadn't needed to remember her that she yet had to make good on that voice-mail promise.

"I fucking missed you!" she panted, laughing bright-eyed and kissing Jay's shoulder with devotion.

"You fucking missed me or you missed me fucking you?" Jay was equally trying to catch his breath beside her, a smug smile playing on his lips.

"Bloody hell Jay Halstead - are you talking dirty to me?"

"I am just trying to play catch up here."

"Hm, I think you're fishing for compliments here but to answer your question honestly: I have to say **both** ," she shrugged and hugged his waist, not caring how sweaty they both were.

Jay liked that she wasn't the type to get up and immediately take a shower. Generally he loved that she was a pretty uninhibited free spirit concerning sex and her body.

"You were so loud this time - I hope your neighbors aren't home," he pressed a wet kiss to her temple.

"As if I care! Maybe **you** should downgrade your performance! Still so much to learn about this man... I mean this was like our seventh time and every time it's like a first somehow..."

"You've been counting? Really?" Jay was looking at her in astonishment, an amused chuckle rising up in his throat.

"No... of course not. Who would be counting such things..."

"You obviously..." He now openly laughed at her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. It was cute that she had a nerdy side too.

"D'you want dessert!?" Rianne not so smoothly changed the topic and patted his chest, obviously feeling caught out.

"Again, already?"

He honestly needed more time to refuel. Her drive was insatiable.

"I mean real dessert, like you know: I made something we didn't **eat** earlier..."

"Do I have to get out of bed for that?"

"I can bring some in here if you want ..."

"But only if you eat some too. You look too skinny..." he squeezed her hip before she got out of bed.

Rianne didn't bother to put on clothes, just walked around in all that naked inked glory, even throwing him a cheeky look over her shoulder before leaving the room. Jay enjoyed the view and still tried to calm down the beating of his heart. That rush and the bubble he found himself in when he was with her was a solid one and not easy to grasp.

After having eaten the most tasty chocolate cake of his life, they snuggled up against each other again. Rianne stated that this was exciting because Jay had never stayed the night at her place before and he was looking forward to just getting a bit of rest by her side. There was still something on his mind though, probably about to darken the mood.  
Jay cleared his throat, a little undecided if he should really ask for this, but he couldn't let go of the thought that was bugging him in the back of his mind:

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot! Ask away!" Rianne turned around in his arms so that she was facing him again.

He ran his finger along the curve of her upper lip while saying this:

"Was there ever something more going on between the two of you?"

"Who?"

"Nate and you…" Jay was taking a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever answer he would get.

She had warned him before that she would answer direct questions honestly and not spare any feelings, so he knew what he was getting into. As expected she waited a few seconds and drew in some air before answering, her face serious:

"Nate and I: How do I say this… you know our history. It was him who introduced me to Andrea. From there on out it pretty much was: Andrea and me and Nate. We were together all the time, always in some sort of living arrangement or hanging out at each other's places. If Nate had girlfriends it was a little different, but mostly they were just thrown into the mix..."

"So you really were living that hippie life..." Jay tried to joke, but felt a punchline coming he would not like too much.

"If you wanna put it that way, yes! I can't even tell you if I was liking it all the time, but that's just how it was. I only ever had romantic feelings for Andrea though, Nate and I were just platonic friends. Then there was a holiday trip to Italy, I think five years ago? We were staying with some friends and family on Sardinia. Andrea, Nate and I got really high on weed one evening. I can't even tell you who initiated it, but we ended up having sex — like all of us…I don't exactly regret it because sometimes things get out of hand and I can't take it back, but it was certainly weird between us for a while after that..."

"Oh, wow… woah, what?" Jay's eyes bugged out of their sockets.

For a minute he was shocked by the wave of jealousy that washed over him, making him momentarily draw in a deep breath to keep his fists from clenching too hard behind her back where he was still holding on to her. He tried to reason with himself: This was what she was, what she had been, everybody had a past. She could have easily lied to him but she chose not to, even risked him judging her. This had been years ago and a one-time thing, at least he hoped that she was telling him the truth there. Yet, he couldn't say that it didn't bother him somehow. Even the thought of Nate touching her that way was a hard one to bear! And he understood that maybe Nate had wanted more after that. Why wouldn't he? Who wouldn't want to be with her?

Of course she noticed his struggling on how to deal with this information. Pushing herself up on her arms she created some physical distance:

"I am sorry, but you asked. What did I tell you about posing questions you don't wanna know the answers to…?"

"Yeah, it's just that…" Jay hadn't really decided what he wanted to say.

He was trying to calm the storm inside of him.

"Just what? You're shocked now? You think it's weird, disgusting, embarrassing?" Her tone was aggressive but as usual her eyes gave her away.

Jay saw fear and insecurity flash in them.

"No, that's not what I am trying to say…"

"So what is it? Spit it out Halstead!"

"I personally wouldn't want to share you with anyone, no matter how high I was!"

It came out a little more aggressive than he had intended, his eyes were probably two sparking flames, directed at her. But Jay was convinced that nothing would change this conviction and hoped she got the note that he could not be in a 70's free-love-arrangement any time soon.

"Not even with a hot girl?" She breathed suggestively.

Jay kept his eyes on her but didn't say anything.

"Come on Jay, if the chance presented itself and I was game, would you turn that down? Maybe you even did that in the past…"

* * *

Jay's gaze shifted into something unfathomable and he ran his hand up her cheek, into her hair and stopped at the back of her head, holding her in place to keep looking at her face. Rianne's heart stopped for a second. He liked to do that a lot. It then began to gallop away when Jay began talking in a low voice, his expression dead-serious. He rolled them over so that he was half on top of her:

"Yes I would turn that down, because I think I got my hands full with you as it is and I would only ever want **you**! I think I..."

Rianne thought she knew what he was about to say, but she couldn't let him say it. She wasn't ready to hear it, so she quickly put her hand over his mouth. She hoped her eyes conveyed the secret message she wanted to get across: I wanna be ready for you one day, but don't pressure me by speaking of love!

"Okay, I got it! Come to think of it: I don't wanna share you either." This was the best she could do for now.

"Good, so can we be grown-ups about this: Are you in this with me, like for real?" Jay was acting all cave-man again but his eyes spoke of his own fear and were pleading with hers to give him some kind of assurance.

She found herself nodding, her heart warming at the sight of his features softening at her "Yes!", that boyish happy grin enlightening his eyes. He kissed her enthusiastically, his hands already on another journey down her body.

"Now show me how much you would want only **me**!" Rianne whispered in his ear and ran her nails down Jay's taught back muscles down to the curve of his butt and to the v of his hips on the front, which she knew by now was a guarantee to drive him nuts...

* * *

Her flight was leaving at 9:20 a.m. out of O'Hare, she'd be in Detroit by 11:43.  
With the conference starting in the afternoon she would have just about enough time to check into her hotel and get freshened up.

Jay drove her to the airport this time like it was the most natural thing in the world. He hadn't even asked if she had made other arrangements and just taken over. Also him spending the night at her place for the first time had felt right and almost familiar. Rianne couldn't believe that it had only been a little over 36 hours since he had picked her up on Sunday. It felt like the world had turned several times in the meantime because so much had happened.  
When Rianne had woken up that morning and found Jay was already taking a shower, there had been an unknown phone lying on the floor next to her bed. It must have fallen out of his jeans or jacket pockets. She had picked it up so that no one would accidentally step on it and to give it back to him obviously. But while doing so it had flashed with a new message. She just couldn't help herself. Something inside her told her this was very wrong, but she read it anyway:

_ "Hey Jim! Bobby misses you and asks when your next ball practice will be? Also I kinda need your advice. Talk soon, Angela!" _

At first Rianne didn't know what to make of it. Jay had never mentioned someone named Angela or Bobby. And why was she calling him Jim? Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was an undercover assignment he couldn't tell her about, but her instincts told her otherwise. Also she didn't peg Jay for someone to be sloppy with top secret missions by leaving his phone out like that.  
She had put the phone down again and managed to keep up a normal interaction between her and Jay throughout coffee and getting her things together, although she had ignored the bathroom door being suggestively ajar after finding the phone.  
Jealousy was an unknown concept to Rianne, she didn't think Jay was having another girl on the side. But she couldn't help the feeling that something wasn't right. It was the same gut feeling she'd had when that shooting of those young boys happened.  
As she hated being lied to and secrecy she didn't wait too long to address the matter to Jay. There just had to be a good explanation for this, although she feared it would probably lead up to their first private fight. So as soon as they were in the car and she thought Jay couldn't hide away from her this way she just asked him, her heart in her throat:

"Jay, who's Angela?"


	22. Island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the dissolution of that cliffhanger from Chapter 21 and probably another one waiting for you... Also I am so thankful for each review, new follower and the ones still following and liking my story - Can't say that nearly enough!
> 
> Chapter Title "Island" by Kensington

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"Jay, I really want to stay out of your business, but at this point I can't! This is a crazy thing you're doing. There is a rule as to not take work home with you for a reason! You're taking it home with you! You're getting personally involved in a matter you should put to rest. For your own sake. Did you talk to anyone in your unit about this?"

"I said I am handling it!"

The more Rianne talked and clearly voiced her opinion the more Jay shut down and said close to nothing, getting her even more on a roll. She could tell he was annoyed with her and didn't want to listen, but she couldn't let it go. Rianne was shocked when he had finally - after five endless minutes of sickening silence in the car, then another five of arguing with her why she was reading his messages in the first place - admitted who Angela and Bobby really were, since when he had been taking care of them and for what reason.  
Jay was trying to make it sound like it was no big deal, but all of Rianne's alarmbells were ringing like mad.  
How could he be so naive and overly invested? He shouldn't be pretending to be someone he was not and get involved in the life of a family that wasn't his to care about. Not in that way! It was like he had put blinders on.  
Ignoring that he was also going way over the speed-limit at the moment, probably to get out of this conversation as fast as he could, she kept the pressure on:

"Are you though? What if she finds out who you really are and why you're helping her? You can kiss your career good-bye, that's a law suit waiting to happen and I could think of a few other scenarios that could very well become reality. I don't wanna even go into details, because I think you know yourself that this is unbelievably unprofessional!"

Hadn't he been the one throwing around accusations in the past about how **she** should do her job more accurately?

"I am just helping them out! They got screwed by the system. And I am responsible for a very big part of that."

She saw that Jay's mouth got thinner and thinner, his lips almost just a white line, a sure sign that he was now pissed off too. She knew that look from their former work-fights. He was close to flying off the handle and yelling at her.  
They had arrived at the airport in the meantime, Jay pulling into the "kiss and fly" zone, turning off the car and not looking at her. Rianne wasn't finished:

"Maybe, but you're just a tiny piece of this puzzle, you can't right every wrong! By the way I can't imagine you're really feeling any better by sneaking around paying off a debt that isn't yours to pay! So stop getting in deeper than you already are and end this! Does Voight know, or Hailey?"

"I can handle this myself, I have been doing this before…I don't need you to tell me this," he mumbled under his breath, barely containing his underlying rage.

Silence hit!  
Jay's whole frame a hard wall she could throw herself at again and again, she wouldn't get through. It felt like being hit in the gut full force by that realization. Even though he hadn't said it:

'I have been doing this before' meant: **without you** \- I don't need you - stay out of my life.

Rianne had not been expecting to be confronted with this cold and impervious side of him.  
Blinking away the hot tears of hurt and rage that were threatening behind her eyes she bundled her sarcasm for one last statement:

"Fantastic! I am sorry for butting in and giving a rat's ass about you - please suit yourself! I thought being 'in this with you for real' meant that I get a say if I think you're about to harm yourself. Guess I was wrong. Didn't know you were such a stubborn prick without **any** sense of self-preservation!"

Not waiting for his reaction she all but jumped out of the truck, grabbed her bags from the backseat and smashed the car doors closed with two heavy thuds.

"Rianne, wait!" She heard Jay call out silently but didn't turn around to look at him anymore.

She wouldn't sacrifice herself again for someone who didn't want to be saved.

* * *

'Thankless, **stubborn** old **prick** ' those were words that haunted Jay from time to time.

Words he had addressed his father with, words he wasn't proud of. The last words he had ever really spoken to that man.  
Rianne didn't know this but maybe that was why it hurt so bad. Was he turning into his old man, immune to reason and adamant to do everything his own way, not open to letting anyone in?  
Those words finally made him get out of the truck to try to catch up to her. He had to track Rianne down and fix this, at least for the time being, he couldn't let her leave like this.  
Jay didn't want to fight with her, or did he? Somehow he couldn't explain why he had left the freaking phone out. Maybe his subconscious had played some part in this, knowing that he needed a wake-up call, someone who called him on his shit and wasn't afraid to confront him with all the things that were wrong about his guilt-project.  
His heart was pounding madly when he ran into the entrance of departures, he felt he didn't want to be too late, too slow, too embarrassed, too ...whatever! That was how he had blown things with Erin. He could not get stuck on his pride again.  
In theory Jay knew Rianne was right about everything she had said - he just didn't know how to get out of things with Angela and Bobby. They were counting on him now weren't they?  
Actually he had even had a similar conversation with Hailey just a few days ago because she had somehow found out too. Not everything though, but his partner was suspicious to say the least. The walls were closing in and his lies catching up to him one by one.

The mission to find Rianne in the crowded airport building when he didn't even know if she had already gone past security, because she didn't need to check in any luggage for her short trip, seemed impossible.  
So Jay couldn't believe his luck when in a steady stream of people running around he suddenly happened to just bump into her. She was going the wrong way actually, back to the exit.

Staring at each other for a short minute, surprised, they then almost simultaneously reached out and hugged the other one tightly. Jay was so relieved that she didn't run away from his stupid ass, even if she might just have turned around to kick it some more. Breathing her in he closed his eyes for a minute.  
When Rianne let him go he found they were brimming with tears, hers as well.

"We can't hash this out right now or I will miss my flight, but I just couldn't leave like this," she mumbled, her forehead resting against his.

"I'm sorry for what I said! Rianne I really want you in my life..." Jay cupped her face.

"Okay, then let's talk about this again! Call me when you're ready to have a real conversation! In the meantime please think about what I said? I am just really worried about you!"

He nodded, overwhelmed and not sure what exactly it was she expected of him, how he should proceed, so he kissed her hard on her soft lips. They tasted a bit of salt from a stray tear. He didn't really know if it was hers or his own.

"Damn you, you're getting under my skin!" Rianne looked his face over intensely, then smacked a kiss on each of his temples and was gone.

Jay stared after her for a while, feeling colder without her by his side, watching her walk to the gate in that determined and resolute way of hers, head held high, her dark, blonde and auburn waves of hair flowing after her.

* * *

**_"Can we talk tonight?"_ **

_"I'll be at the hotel at 7. Detroit time obviously. You can call me after that."_

Rianne realized that her and Jay had never really talked on the phone before. Either they had met up in person or texted. A certain nervousness was making itself known beforehand. The last lecture of the day was hard to concentrate on in anticipation of the impending talk with Jay.

It was her second day in Detroit. He had waited a day to obviously get his shit together and be ready to discuss the Angela matter and how they wanted to handle differences of opinion in the future.  
Yesterday at the airport her first instinct had been to just leg it and get out of there. All those dramatic thoughts had momentarily been going through her head like:

"Yeah right, what were you thinking? You're not ready to do this! See, he's just as arrogant as he was before you ever became closer! You should really stay out of other people's lives! Why do you always care so much?"

Then another feeling had washed over her and the reminder of a promise she had made to herself:

"Never leave in the middle of a fight, always try to make up! You will never know what happens, if you'll ever get the chance again! And: Don't pretend that you don't care if you do!"

So she had turned around to go back and had been incredibly relieved to find that Jay had come after her too, feeling the same. Now she was just anxious on how things would turn out.  
At exactly five past seven her phone rang. She smiled while answering it, imagining Jay sitting wherever he was sitting, waiting the obligatory five minutes before going through with the task of calling.

"Hi you! Bang on time!" She tried to greet him in a light mood, not add to the gravity of this by showing her nervousness.

Even though he had said he wanted her in his life and make this work, the outcome could very well be that one could wish for many things, it didn't just make them come true.  
They talked a bit about how her hotel was, how she was liking the city so far, exchanged some comments about the weather. It felt weird because they normally didn't have difficulties to find something to talk about.

"How's therapy?" Jay then asked.

"It's not therapy – I am learning how to help traumatized people and everything there is to know about trauma, brand new studies... There's a difference."

She noticed he was playing on time, obviously rather wanting to dance around the subject of their conflict than just come right out and she was getting impatient. Standing up from where she had been lying on her hotel bed she began pacing the room.

"I know, I think I am just trying to ease into this conversation..." he sighed, probably rubbing the back of his neck.

At least he had the guts to admit to it, which eased a bit of the tension.

"And, is it working?"

"No, but I just don't know where to start."

She could have argued that he was the one who had wanted to talk, but let it go for now: "Want me to go first?"

"Okay..."

"Right, so I don't wanna repeat myself here, you know how I feel about you meeting that woman and I honestly hope you'll stop this from going any further, but that's nothing I can control. And I don't wanna control you. But if we're going to be in some sort of relationship with each other I wanna feel like I can tell you what I think without you shutting me down and out if you don't like it!"

"Okay, I got that and I wanna second that notion and say that this goes both ways. But I don't do well with ultimatums you know?" Now Jay's voice sounded more like the Jay she knew, more confident and eager to solve this.

"Me neither, but I wasn't even giving you one."

"Felt like one to me, when you said that I have to stop this right now! It sounded like if I don't, then you're out!"

"That's not what I said and you know that! But yeah, I can't be in a relationship with someone who's knowingly endangering himself and immune to any discussion about it. And I know what your job is, but the thing we're fighting about here is different from that, at least the way I see it."

"You see, I... I don't really know how to get out of this. It was a spur of the moment thing and I know it's not... it's a thin line I am walking here, but it felt like I needed to do this. Now it's kind of difficult to just disappear from their lives again..."

"So talk to your guys, to Hailey, Adam, Kevin, Kim - whatever. Your brother, Voight - I don't know! If you open up to people Jay you may find that they could have some ideas and suggestions you yourself wouldn't have thought of or that you aren't able to go through with on your own. Let them help you, you don't have to do this alone!"

"What is it you need me to say or do?" It sounded defeated, not at all what she wanted to hear.

"I don't want you to do or say anything you don't mean or plan on going through with just because of me! I wish you'd let me help, see what I can do by pulling some strings with social services to help that family and then back off. And in the future maybe think about that your actions affect the people around you too! I don't want you to get into more trouble than you have to, because I care about you, a lot obviously!"

Admitting to this got her choked up on tears. Being with Jay had sort of made her go softer again she'd noticed. Que mierda!

"I don't want you to get hurt..." 'or loose you', she didn't say that last part out loud.

Her hands were slightly shaking.

"Rianne, I meant what I said: I want you in my life and not just for a roll in the sheets now and then. I want us to be together, but I guess I too have to get used to sharing my life with someone again. So I am sorry if I hurt you! I am trying here to get things fixed and yeah... maybe you could help with that when you're back in the city."

"So then let's see what I can do!" She was relieved he at least agreed to further discuss this and not leave her out again.

"Let me take you out on a real date! Like an official first one..." Jay suggested, somehow changing the subject.

Rianne guessed this was a far as they got today and didn't push further.

"Okay..."

"I have a court date in the morning on Friday, but I hope I'll get off at a reasonable time in the evening so we can go out, maybe plan our hike for the weekend..."

"I like that thought..."

"Alright, so it's a done deal..." Jay sounded more and more upbeat.

"I already miss you, you know?!" he added.

Rianne let herself fall back on the bed, closing her eyes.

"Jay it's been one night..."

Even though her heart was responding instantly Rianne just couldn't say it right back and rolled her eyes at the ceiling. Every time he expressed his feelings it was like she had to take a deep breath first and count to ten to not go running for the hills. Although on the other hand she had to admit that it felt just so good to hear him say it. It was like being caressed by words.

"I missed my weight blanket last night..."

"Your weight blanket? What is that supposed to mean?" What the hell was he talking about?

"It means that somewhere along the night you always end up sleeping almost completely on top of me!"

"Don't flatter yourself, that's not what I do!"

"Yes it is, I'll record it for you one day! It's happened three times in a row!"

"As if..."

"But it doesn't bother me, so keep doing what you're doing in your sleep babe!"

"You did it again!"

He couldn't see it but she hid her face in her cushions because she knew she was blushing. Hearing him really say that endearment was surprisingly heart-warming. Even if Rianne wasn't one for the mushy stuff normally.

"What?"

"Calling me babe!"

"Yeah, any problems with that?" Jay sounded like it was the most natural thing in the world to just do that.

"No, I'm afraid I sort of like it..."

* * *

Somehow her friends home in Chicago all needed counseling over the phone after that.  
First it was Casey that called her right after she had ended her conversation with Jay, stopping her mind from running wild about the words that had been exchanged.  
Matt wanted her advice if he should follow the invitation of Gabby Dawson, his ex-wife, who was in town for only a short while, to a beneficial event. As there were certainly still some feelings there this was a difficult decision for him to make. It felt good to know that her opinion and advise mattered to him.

Moving on to the next drama Stella called her as well the next day. She too had to get something off her chest and wanted to hear her friends opinion on Kelly's new colleague and fellow investigator: Wendy Seager. That lady was sniffing around her man, at least that was the vibe Stella had gotten from her. As usual the two women had a lot to discuss between them. And it was relieving to see that her friends also had their regular themes and problems, not only her. Although Rianne really was proud of Jay and her. First fight - check! And neither one of them had given up!

* * *

"Hey honey, I just came back and got Kelly's text. Are you really okay?"

Coming back to Chicago at the end of the week had been one hell of a welcome. Not!  
Stella had been supposed to pick her up, but when Rianne landed in O'Hare on Friday at 7:45 a.m. she'd gotten a text from Kelly that Stella had been in a car accident. Stella was okay eventually, but of course couldn't pick her up and was a bit shaken.

Rianne knew Matt was with his construction business and Jay didn't pick up his phone.  
Maybe he was still in court, she hadn't really paid attention to the time he'd told her. So she took a tremendously expensive cab home only to find Nate still gone, the loft empty. She had texted him that she'd appreciate it if he called her before he planned to come back, so they could talk. Until now she hadn't heard from him. Rianne was determined though to put the time of Nate still being absent from the loft to good use. Yes, she was able to live on her own - alone, without freaking out. At least for the weekend she didn't have to though because of her plans with Jay.  
Her first action at home had been to throw her luggage down, cuddle Límon and try to call Stella, see how she was doing and if she had been released yet from Med.

Rianne was glad to hear that her girl was okay, though that incident should seriously get her thinking about how to move on with her double load. That accident had been caused by Stella being really late for her appointment at the academy, absolutely tired und not concentrating because she'd just come off a 24 hour shift. This was way too much stress.

Soon as they had ended the call Rianne's phone went off again, giving her one hell of a second wake-up call…

* * *

"What about his girlfriend, have you called her?" Voight had suggested.

Even if Hailey wanted to protest that Jay didn't have a girlfriend exactly, at least not to her knowledge, she was too preoccupied to argue about semantics. She didn't know who else to call and ask so in the end it only was Rianne left. The woman did pick up at the second ring:

"Hullo?"

"Hi, it's Hailey. Hailey Upton? I'm so sorry to call you, but have you heard from Jay?"

Even if she didn't think Jay would do something like this, Hailey hoped with all her heart that the answer from the other end of the line would be:

"Hell yes, he's actually lying next to me right now."

But no such luck:

"No, should I?" Rianne's voice sounded unconcerned, only surprised.

Hailey's heart sank even deeper:

"It's all right, you don't have to pretend with me. I know you've been seeing each other for the past weeks, so... I need to know if you've been with or talked to him in the last 24 hours?" She was instantly regretting her tone, sounding upset and more like a jealous girlfriend than his partner.

But this was driving her crazy. And the more people she called that could not help, the more she was certain this was serious. Something had happened to Jay and she was worried sick and out of her mind.

"No, I haven't. I talked to him Wednesday evening, we texted yesterday. I was supposed to meet with him tonight. I just came back from Detroit and tried to reach him this morning, but I thought he was maybe still in court. What's the matter?"

"He's missing," Hailey breathed down the line, already every worst case scenario playing in her head.

"What do you mean **missing**?"

Hailey quickly brought Rianne up to speed that nobody had been able to contact Jay, that he'd bailed on Adam with whom he was supposed to meet for drinks yesterday evening, he wasn't home, he had missed his court date and he had been behaving somewhat shady over the last weeks.  
There was silence on the other end for a while, but then Rianne cleared her throat almost unnoticeably and told Hailey what she already knew, but confirmed her fear that it maybe had something to do with Jay's vanishing:

"I don't know if it means anything, but he's been seeing this woman…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that Jay just said "thankless old prick" to his father, but it just fit in with this story better to take some liberties with the original writing.


	23. Dissolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Dissolve" by Tusks

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne neither did know how to handle that info about Jay being missing, nor did she know how to deal with her feelings. Her stomach was one hot knot and her head spinning unpleasantly. She absolutely refused to panic and let herself think this through - no worst case scenarios allowed!

So she did what she knew best to do: Bottle it all up, push it down, take two or three really deep breaths and get to work. This meant indeed get to work, bury herself in it so that she'd have absolutely no time to think.  
Originally she had planned to have the rest of the day off. It would have been the perfect evening to spend with Jay, because there was no time limit, no appointments the next morning, other than maybe go out of town for the day, like they had been talking about. All in all a pretty nice and pretty couple-worthy start into the weekend.  
But now that that probably wasn't going to happen because he had to play hero cop or whatever he'd gotten himself into, she could just as well go to work, make herself useful. Gallows humor was the only weapon she had to not freak out.

At one point she found herself calling Jay's phone again and leave a voicemail, because she just couldn't believe this. She didn't want to believe that he'd gotten himself into a bad situation, didn't wanna think that he had completely ignored the conversation they had been having less than two days ago. Of course he didn't pick up. Surly he would be back this evening, so she could yell at him for scaring her like that.

Not that her colleagues were too surprised when Rianne showed up at the office, ready to roll and take on the caseload of the year. She was known to be a workaholic, an overachiever who sacrificed a lot of her down-time and private life in order to get things done.  
Rianne was grateful to be needed and welcomed with open arms, no questions asked why she didn't take the time to relax after attending that conference. They were even extremely glad because as usual there was a ton of stuff to do. And this was just how she wanted it. Jay would be fine, there had to be a simple explanation for this, there just had to be!

* * *

Jay hadn't been able to take Angela's guilt, didn't want to let her die possibly with all these horrible thoughts about her husband, because they just weren't true. Marcus had not been the man the public had made him out to be!  
So he just had to clear his conscience and tell her all about how it really went down. He could understand that she was angry, pissed, disgusted with him, he could take her insulting and cursing him. It felt like he deserved to hear all that. Finally someone was saying out loud what the little voice inside his head had been whispering silently all along. The little voice that got him answering her texts, the little voice that go him to go to her house last night and got him into this mess he was in now.

Never had Jay thought she'd shoot him when he finally had freed them of their kidnappers and almost saved them. Even when he'd looked at Angela, her weak but hateful gaze and the gun pointed at him, he hadn't believed she would go through with it. He wasn't even trying to defend himself or flee or bring in Hailey who was just upstairs, fully armed. Jay had been convinced he would be able to just talk her down and they could walk out of there together, try to fix things, however that would look like.

He hadn't expected the loud bang, the blast that suddenly hit him.  
The shock, the immediate pain, his body giving way, not reacting like it should, hitting the hard floor, the feeling of warm blood seeping out and over his chest. Maybe this was his punishment for everything he did to an innocent man. Maybe yes, Angela was right: He deserved to die!  
Hailey's voice calling out for him instantly after he fell was already a faint sound. He was loosing consciousness fast, like he was switching between worlds, waking in between dreams. It was getting hard to breath, Jay felt like he was drowning, drowning in a pool of copper liquid.  
Time was slowing down for him while in the distance everything else was still moving so fast. So many faces were all over him, blurry, no outlines, touching him, moving him, moving alongside him. They were outside! He was behind an invisible wall it seemed.

There was one face he could see very clearly though before everything went dark and he thought he would surly choke on his own blood.  
He'd forbidden himself to think about her during his time in that drafty, wet and dark cellar, because he wouldn't have been able to keep his head on straight. Getting his act together enough to stay focused and get Angela and him out of there and not killed had been hard enough with the injury he'd suffered when he'd gotten hit over the head last night. Jay had constantly been fighting to keep his eyes open although blood was dripping into his eyes from the wounds on his face and he felt slightly dizzy, like he had to go to sleep.

But now he saw her:  
Sparkling blue eyes, like the Caribbean Sea, dark brows and full rosebud colored lips, a hearty laugh playing on them, while she reached for him. He wanted to touch her too, but he was too weak to raise his hand, the pain in his chest spreading out.  
She had warned him about something like this, she would be furious with him that he didn't really listen...

He hadn't even told her he was absurdly in love with her!

* * *

Rianne was finishing up the paperwork on a custody and placement case at Chicago Med.  
As she had volunteered to be social-worker on call for the night it wasn't so unusual that she was still out there late in the evening. All the calls and updates she was getting about Jay, mostly because Adam felt obligated to keep her in the loop, she had been handling like he was not talking to her as his girlfriend, but to a professional. She had been filtering out the facts.  
It was difficult to explain. She felt pretty numb and sorted - at least after she had left Jay a pretty angry and emotional voicemail again. How could he have gone and see that woman again after they had talked about him quitting that arrangement? To go home and sleep though hadn't been an option.

"Just sign here and then we're all ready to go." Rianne gave Maggie Lockwood the papers, but the nurse couldn't finish what they had started because her pager announced an incoming accident.

"I'm sorry, could you wait a few minutes? I have to be at the ED entrance right now. We have incoming gunshot victims."

Then suddenly everything happened really fast.  
All Rianne knew in hindsight was that there suddenly was a massive commotion. Doctors and nurses running around, Maggie appointing treatment rooms and then there were several medics, rolling two people in. One was female, black, curly haired, police officers escorted her rig. And then there was a second gurney. In the distance she heard someone call:

"It's Halstead!"

Her heart stopped in shock at his name and when they wheeled him past her and she realized it really was Jay — covered in blood, lifeless, oxygen mask attached to his mouth, his face barely recognizable because it was covered in bruises, and again blood.  
The whole Intelligence unit had to stand back at the sliding doors to the waiting room, seemingly having accompanied the rig with Jay in it. Rianne caught a glimpse of Hailey with bloody hands, her face writhed in grief and panic. There was just so much blood everywhere she looked now. Voices around her were fading out.

This couldn't be happening again! Rianne couldn't breathe anymore and felt tremendously dizzy. The last thing she heard was Will calling out her name in her back and then everything went dark around her.

* * *

_"Maybe next time you could text me that you'll be half an hour late, so that I won't stand around in front of your office like a moron. It's fucking freezing!"_

_"I did not know it was going to take that long. I am sorry, I said it like ten times now. Can we just drive to see the house?"_

_"Yeah, get us there cara! It's rush hour obviously. That's why you said you'd be on time. I thought you were the one who really wanted a family home?"_

_"Mierda Andrea – can't you just shut up? If you'd still have your driver's license you could be behind the wheel and didn't have to complain! And I don't wanna remind you that my job is what has kept us afloat these last months..."_

_"I knew you'd bring that up again. Wanna talk about how your parents pay our bills because I am too lazy to find a real job?"_

_"That's not what they're doing – I am not taking their money. You know that."_

_"Please, all these presents they keep sending? It's really obvious they think we can't afford this baby stuff on our own. But I really wanna talk about how you keep working these long hours, exhausting yourself and gambling with the health of our child…"_

_"I can't believe you're even saying this right now! Maybe if you would finally start to grow up and stopped gambling away our…!"_

_"Dio mio! Occhio!"_

_Darkness! A crashing sound, tyres screeching, horns sounding, a loud thud in her ears and her whole body being thrown around like it was weightless. Then again darkness! No thoughts. She doesn't know for how long._

_The first face she remembers seeing is Matt Casey's, when he carries her out of the car. The gap between that and everything else before is blank, a skip in time, a skip in her life history. Like the beginning of a dream._

_Once she notices that she cannot see Andrea anywhere, that there are car wrecks, first responders, sirens going off and people yelling, crying, screaming all over the place, she too is screaming. She is screaming all the time, all the way to the hospital, until some paramedic gives her something to calm her down. Full blown hysteric and panic is all she knows now. And just feeling cold, falling, falling deeper with no one stopping her. Her leg is drenched in blood, but she can't feel it, can't really feel anything else than incredible fear. She's afraid it's suffocating her._

* * *

**_"Do you need me to feed your cat by the way?" Jay had put his arms around her from behind, still not wanting to fall asleep, but sleepy enough to just lay there with her, relaxed and worn out due to their physical activities._ **

**_It was nice to feel her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, her fingers painting circles on his arms, while she held on to them. It was so simple but soothing to feel connected with someone. Even if he was the one holding her in his arms, it was as if she was holding him too._ **

**_"No, it's alright. Stella will do it. But thank you for offering!"_ **

**_"For the record: I really would have done it if you wanted me to. I just think that little freak doesn't like me very much."_ **

**_Límon was actually sitting on the stairs leading up to her closet-gallery, his tail twitching constantly. It seemed he was waiting for the right moment to pounce on the bed she and him were currently in. The cat was eyeing them suspiciously._ **

**_"He will get used to you. Soon he'll be sleeping on your side of the bed! He's just waiting for my signal! And as long as you keep feeding him he won't eat you!"_ ** **_He could tell she was smiling by the sound of her voice._ **

**_"I guess I am more of a dog person," Jay found himself pondering nuzzling her neck._ **

**_He liked the smell of her there and the baby soft skin behind her ears._ **

**_„Oh yeah? Why don't you have one in your unit? Could be a nice addition to the team..."_ **

**_"I don't mean like a working dog. Just one you can cuddle and play with, take with you for runs, teach tricks to... family-friendly I guess..."_ **

**_"Okay, I get it. I like those too. So, what else do you wish for in the future?"_ **

**_"I don't know... I guess I have no big fancy dreams... other than wanting to ride through some states on a motorcycle maybe..."_ **

**_"It doesn't have to be extraordinary, it can be simple! Like when you picture yourself in 5 years, what do you see?"_ **

**_"Okay, in five years..." he paused for a while, trying to imagine it:_ **

**_"I will be close to 40 by then, so I hope I'd still be fit and hale enough to be working with Intelligence..."_ **

**_"Voight's still with Intelligence and he is like... I don't know: Old..." she chuckled and he joined in._ **

**_The words his sergeant had said to him once echoed through his head: 'This unit is gonna be yours one day!'_ **

**_"Okay, so maybe I am like Voight then, although that scares me too somehow. But it would be nice to step up the career ladder after all these years. I would also love to have a house of my own... and you were already right about my cabin dreams... some sort of place to escape to now and then, and... are you sure you wanna hear all this?"_ **

**_"I explicitly asked you Jay!" She pressed her body against his even more as if to assure him there was nothing he could say that would make her edge away._ **

**_"Right, so ... if the universe is extremely kind then I am sharing that house with someone - preferably my girlfriend, fiancé or wife, our kids..."_ **

**_He wasn't sure if this hurt her because of course must remind her that she almost would have been a mother already.  
_ ** **_She was absolutely still in his arms. And he found himself imagining how it would look and feel like, if it was her and him in that future dream home of his and if she would want this too.  
It was nice to voice this out loud without her making fun of him for having such cheesy, common wishes.  
When she turned around to face him, she put one hand over his heart and one into his hair, caressing his brow with her thumb. The naked skin where her body connected with his was radiating a comforting warmth. _ **

**_"Sounds perfect Jay," she whispered near his lips before kissing him ever so softly._ **

While not knowing if he was already dead or still alive, that conversation, that moment, he'd been having with Rianne the night before she left for Detroit, kept playing over and over in his head.  
He wanted to get the chance to have all that they had been talking about, he wanted to have a future, he wasn't done yet. He could not let go although it was getting harder to fight the temptation to let his body float away into the dark.

* * *

When Rianne came to her senses, she was propped up on a hospital bed and connected to a monitor. A worried looking nurse was by her side and some doctor she didn't know well was taking her stats.

"What's going on?" she whispered, trying to make sense of her surroundings.

"You fainted and took quite some time to wake up again. How are you feeling?" The woman looked at her worriedly, she just now recognized it was April Sexton.

Rianne felt mostly disorientated and weak. She couldn't feel her legs, her stomach hurt, there was a crick in her neck. Also her heart was beating rapidly against her chest and she felt tears prickling behind her eyes, she couldn't even fathom why. Where was Andrea? Where did they take him?

"I don't know, what…" she suddenly remembered what she had witnessed before she passed out, like waking from a bad dream and realizing is was really the present.

Just a different year, a different season.  
The images where far too similar, but yet she figured which man had been lying there on that stretcher, bleeding out before everyone's eyes. Her heart was beating even faster if that was possible. The constant beep of the monitor attached to her finger spiked up and she felt her oxygen intake getting shallower by the minute.

"How, how's Jay – what happened to him?" she managed to get out, unable to keep her voice from sounding wobbly and tearful.

"Dr. Marcel is operating on him as we speak. He has a GSW to the chest, the bullet grazed an artery and I'm afraid he's lost a lot of blood..."

Rianne zoned out, she was unable to hear anything more than that because of all the white noise in her ears. She thought she'd be sick any moment now.  
Seemingly they had anticipated that she was about to throw up, because another nurse held up a kidney dish right in time. Rianne couldn't stop being sick for a whole while, crying in between, loosing all control over her body. She hadn't felt that kind of desperation for a long time. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, she would suffocate again.

The next thing she felt was a strong hold on to her shoulders, someone talking to her in a calm voice and slightly familiar dark eyes boring into hers.  
Everything appeared to be happening behind a thick, opaque sound proof wall. She couldn't understand what the doctor was saying, because her ears were still ringing. The echoing of her name got louder by the second and then she could make out red hair and a golden necklace dangling from the collar of red scrubs, a cross tattooed over a finger on his hand: "Rianne? Rianne!" Will's face was right next to hers, when she cried out under tears:

"I can't do this again, I am sorry! I am so sorry Will!"


	24. Wake Up Sleeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Wake Up Sleeper" by Wildwood Kin

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

While he was leaning against a window on the upper floor near the ORs, a warm hand was pressed to his back suddenly. Will flinched at first, lost in thought and not expecting anyone else here.

"How are you holding up?" Those warm hands were snaking around his shoulders then and he leaned back into them.

Thank God for small mercies! Turning around to let himself sink into Natalies waiting embrace Will let some of the tears that had been prickling behind his eyes for most parts of this hellish night, fall. The pressure Nat was applying to his body increased and she just held him, saying nothing and waiting for him to let her go when **he** felt like it.  
Will didn't ask how she had heard or how she'd gotten Owen taken care of so quickly. She wasn't supposed to be working until late afternoon today. It went without saying that she wanted to be there for him, for his brother.

The whole place had been buzzing with police officers, all showing up to be there for Jay; to show respect and support. It had been a long night of hoping and praying while doctors operated on him and repaired the artery that got nicked because of his gunshot wound.  
When morning came and there was a splinter of hope that Jay would pull through, most of them had left continuing to do their work. Just a still very distressed Hailey had been sitting in the waiting room for a long time and was adamant to stay until they could say for sure that Jay was going to be okay and out of surgery.

Will's night had been a constant switch between dealing with his own feelings, fearing for his brother's life and caring for everyone else involved. He'd been updating Intelligence, taking care of his own patients and running back and forth between the OR and Rianne's hospital bed, because Jay's fate had propelled that poor soul backwards into some kind of PTSD-episode. Two people he really cared about were messed up, in pain, and he was right in the middle of it. There wasn't really anything he could do at the moment. It was a freaking nightmare!

Just when he was about to answer his fiancé, the doors of the OR swung open and Crockett Marcel was coming out. When he saw Will and Natalie he carefully smiled at them, looking exhausted from the long surgery, but Will felt his heart loose ten pounds at the sight of that encouraging expression on the other doctor's face.

"He will be fine!" The surgeon said out loud before he had reached him and Nat.

Even more silent tears were streaming down Will's face, he momentarily buried it in his hands. He wouldn't have known how to deal with any other outcome.  
Then he reached for Natalie again and because he couldn't help himself hugged his colleague too, thanking him profoundly.

"We were able to stop the bleeding completely and repaired the damage to his shoulder. Anyway he's very lucky to be alive, concerning the amount of blood he lost! So, we're gonna let him come off the anesthesia very slowly and keep him in the ICU for observation. We have to look out for possible fever, infection, any kind of repercussions from the head laceration he suffered or bad reactions to the blood transfusions. He also has a broken rib. I'll check in again later. I'm gonna update his unit now." Marcel said and slapped Will on the back, before he left.

Natalie reached for Will's hand, squeezing it tight. Her dark brown eyes were radiating comfort and compassion when he looked down at her.

"He's just a damn lucky bastard!" Will breathed, having trouble to reign his feelings in.

"Yeah, seems like he's got nine lives..." Natalie added.

* * *

Rianne had slept for what felt like an eternity.  
In reality it had only been five hours of tranquilizer induced comatose sleep. She couldn't tell what time of the day it was. Opening her eyes she was a bit shocked to see Matt sitting next to her bed, looking concerned. Again she felt like she was being propelled to a different time. When he noticed her opening her eyes he stood and came over to her, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder:

"Hey, welcome back!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Seems I am one of your emergency contacts... Will called me. You gave us a bit of a scare!"

Rianne was still not able to really think. She felt calmer than before, but yet overall dizzy and there was this big lump pressing down on her sternum. Her eyes were burning from crying so much earlier.

"I brought you a change of clothes from the loft. Thought you don't wanna stay in a hospital gown..."

Matt wanted to show her what he brought, but she held onto his arm, looking up at him questioningly, not daring to speak the words, because she felt her lip getting unsteady again. But Matt understood anyway:

"He's still alive Rianne! I don't know what the latest update is, but last time I checked with Will it was looking good!"

"That son of a bitch lied to me!" Funny that this was the first thing that came to her mind right now.

"Well, you can go and tell him what you think of him in person!" Will entered the room on this note.

Matt and her turned their heads to him, not really understanding:

"He's out of the woods, he will pull through! So, history will not repeat itself this time! You can see for yourself" Will elaborated, just now she noticed the relieved smile on his face.

At first his words didn't really catch up to Rianne. When they sank in the shortage of breath started again, as well as the uncontrollable crying. She hated being a hysteric mess, but it seemed she couldn't help it. Matt immediately hugged her to him, mumbling encouraging words that everything would be fine.

"Maybe we should call Dr. Charles. See if she is up for this?" she heard him say.

"Daniel's not here today and I don't trust the psychiatrist on call. She needs to see that he's okay for herself! I think this will help more than any kind of counseling and sedation ever could," Will sounded a little impatient.

They were both talking als if she wasn't in the room with them. As it seemed impossible for her at the moment to form any real thoughts of her own and have an opinion on the matter anyway she didn't really care. With Matt's help she got dressed in loose sweats and a shirt. The sensation to her legs still hadn't returned, so they put her in a wheelchair and took her up to the ICU.  
Matt had to stay out of the room, because there weren't that many people allowed in with Jay. Before Will took her inside she grabbed Matt's hand and made him promise to get her out of there, if she gave him a signal. He agreed to stay and watch out.

Being wheeled into the room she held her breath when her eyes took in the person lying in that hospital bed.  
Jay was still intubated, several other cannulae poking out of him, his face pale with sunken cheeks. It had been cleansed of the blood, but he still looked rough with those cuts and bruises on his otherwise so perfect features. A heart-monitor showed a steady rhythm, another machine was helping him breathe for now. Will had gotten her as close to the bed as possible. For a minute she was just staring at Jay, torn between sorrow and fear because he looked just as still as Andrea had when she'd seen him for the last time. But when she reached for his hand she found it was warm, his fingers slightly twitching in hers. She could see his chest rising and falling. Jay really was still alive, but he looked so frail. The limp hand she was holding no comparison to the strong one that had held hers, touched her body in that natural and confident way she had gotten used to.  
Rianne was slightly beginning to shake at his side, feeling very cold suddenly.

His eyelids fluttered after what seemed like an eternity to her. His long lashes were blinking open and closed erratically. When his body had managed to control it, his eyes were barely focusing on anything around him until they suddenly fixated themselves on hers. It was just a small moment between them, she didn't even know if he had recognized her. Then Jay's eyes went wide, his heart-rate spiking up as he was struggling against the breathing tube. Will rushed to his side, addressing him, doctor tone in place:

"Jay! Jay? Can you hear me?"

Jay slowly turned his head to the sound of Will's voice and looked at his brother, nodding, his breathing still unsteady. Rianne pressed her eyes shut and his hand tighter, it felt terrible to see him in distress like that.

"I need you to calm down bro! I'll take the tube out, but you have to breathe along with me slowly first!"

For once doing like he was told Jay managed to focus on Will breathing with him, before he was ordered to cough as hard as he could so that Will could get him extubated.  
Coughing and wheezing some more after the tube was out, Jay's head sank back into the pillow, obviously already exhausted. His breath rattled in his chest some more, but his heart rate quickly slowed down to a normal rhythm. Rianne saw that his lip had a nasty cut on it too. Her heart ached for him and yet she felt the white noise in her ears come back full force. This was all too much, too soon. She didn't really know what to do with herself.

Jay had closed his eyes again for a moment, turning his head to the side where she was and squeezed her hand as tight as he seemingly could.  
Rianne wasn't able to take in the look he was giving her when he opened his eyes again, because she was seeing everything through a veil of fresh tears:

"I'm glad you're okay..." she softly whispered in his direction, her voice breaking.

Then she let go of his hand although it broke her heart and drove out of the room before she started to hyperventilate in front of it.

* * *

After Rianne had left the room so quickly when Jay'd woken up, Hailey had been sitting at his bedside for a long time, so she could see for herself that he was indeed going to be okay. His brother already talked about needing to get out of the hospital as soon as possible in between falling asleep now and then, because of the still heavy sedation. Will would have to make clear to him that this wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Hell no! Damn it he just almost died!

Hailey had left then to get some sleep and go back to join Intelligence on their newest case and Will went to check on his brother again.  
It had been a whirlwind of a night and now that the storms were calming down, Will was just tired and let himself fall onto the little armchair next to Jay's bed.

Jay stirred awake from a nap after a while, the dark circles around his eyes along with the pain lines on his face making him look ten years older. With all the tubes still connecting him to different machines he appeared fragile and not at all how Will was used to seeing his badass little brother.  
He would have liked to punch him in the face had it not been totally inappropriate, but he was just so damn angry with Jay. Why did he have to play the hero all the time? Didn't he realize that they were the only family they had left? That there was no one else anymore? What had he been thinking?

But instead of burdening him with these thoughts right away Will just made sure Jay wasn't in any pain and asked if he needed anything. Besides complaining about the needles sticking inside of him he said he was doing fine. That meant he wanted to bear the pain he certainly had without increasing the intake of painkillers. Typical!

"I, I wanted to…, was I..." Jay trailed off, his face suddenly very flushed.

At first Will thought he didn't feel good and instantly got a churning feeling inside his stomach, but then he realized Jay hadn't continued to speak because he was embarrassed and shy about something. His brother's voice was still rough due to having been intubated for so long.

"Spit it out Jay!" Will pressed, wondering if his suspicion about his brother's thoughts were right.

"Was I hallucinating before or was Rianne here when I woke up the first time?"

"Yes, she was here."

"So, where'd she go?" Jay tried to sound like he was "just checking", but of course he was afraid what the answer would be.

Will sighed. How should he explain this to him?:

"Jay she was in the E. D. when they brought you in."

"Oh, shit!" His brother's eyes went wide.

"Yeah, they wheeled you right past her and she blacked-out, had some sort of panic attack. I guess seeing you covered in blood, hanging on by a thread brought up some bad memories and post-traumatic stress. They had to give her some tranquilizers to calm her down, apparently there's some psychosomatic trauma to her legs."

"Fuck. Where did they take her?" Jay seemed to be tempted to get out of bed and go see her.

Will noticed him sitting up as best as he could in his state. Jay knew what that meant for Rianne and it pained Will to be the bearer of bad news:

"They admitted her to the psych ward for observation. She was a real mess last night and again this morning after being in here."

"I need you to take me to her, I have to talk to her!" Panic was now written all over Jay's face.

He was almost expecting him to jump out of the bed all of a sudden and go running to search for Rianne.

"Geesh Jay, have you even looked at yourself? You're not going anywhere right now! I don't know how to get this into your thick skull: You almost died! Do you even realize that? Christ, you're giving me a headache. Just take a beat!" Will exhaled long and loud, his forehead in wrinkles, thinking about how to give some serious advice to his brother without sounding too negative:

"Maybe you don't want to hear this, but I don't know how far back this episode will propel her. For Rianne's sake I hope not too far, but grief is a bitch. Every time you think you're over it, it succeeds in getting to you another way, so is trauma. So do yourselves a favor and let her recover and come to you, keep your issues in check and take care of getting on your feet again!"

"What issues are you alluding to?"

"Your abandonment issues for example..."

They couldn't continue their conversation because of a knock on the door. Sergeant Voight and Kim Burgess had arrived, wanting to see Jay and probably ask him some questions about the case. Will knew it was important they did that but wished everyone would just back off and let Jay get better first:

"Don't let him talk you into getting him out of here. He's not leaving this bed until I say so!" Will advised the two Intelligence members in passing.

* * *

Another whole day of medically induced sleep passed by, Rianne felt a little better when she woke up. Stronger, although not so stable like she would like to.

After seeing Jay and losing it again outside of his hospital room, the rest of the day had been a blur. She remembered waking up from time to time, looking at white hospital walls, hearing the beeping of machines and closing her eyes at all this again. She had wanted to crawl up in a ball, hide under the pillows and blankets and never come back out. She didn't answer to those who were talking to her, didn't even recognize their faces.  
Now the gloomy feeling, the panic, had subsided mostly and a certain calmness had settled inside of her.

Still she just couldn't bring herself to go back upstairs to visit Jay or where ever they had taken him by now.  
Rianne was beyond glad he was okay, but she felt she had no right to be there with him. Maybe it was time to realize, that she had let this go on for far too long anyway. That she should stay away completely, not letting him get any closer than he already had. She was not strong enough to loose someone like this again. In the beginning she had sworn to herself that she would keep a certain emotional distance, never letting go completely. That hadn't worked out exactly - Jay had already come too close in so many ways. Losing him would crash and burn her heart and soul for good, she knew that. There would be no recovering from this. She didn't like to feel this helpless and weak and out of control. He had already made her loose control in different variations, this had to stop.

Matt stopped by again in the late evening. She sometimes equally hated and loved that her friends cared about her so much and seemed to have a sixth sense when she needed them the most, even if she didn't say it. Would he have asked her she would have pretended to be fine and said that she didn't want him to bother visiting, she would get herself out of there pretty soon. Even if her legs still refused to work properly. The right one was okay, the left at least slightly sensitive to pain.  
But instead of desperation, her fury about this had returned. If she couldn't walk, she would crawl out of here. Maybe she could get her friends to help her with that at least.  
After checking on her well-being Matt updated her on Stella, who was also currently in the hospital and had promised to check in with her later too. First she had to tend to her man though. Kelly had been in a bad situation with an arsonist. He had come out of it unharmed, but nevertheless Rianne was sure Stella was just as shaken up about Kelly as **she** was about Jay.

"Any update on Halstead?" Matt asked her.

"I don't know, haven't seen him. D'you think maybe you could get a doctor in here so we can talk about getting me released?" Rianne quickly changed the subject, adamant to close this chapter.

No such luck with Matt though. He was always tackling delicate topics right on and was looking at her intensely with his serious face in play:

"Why won't you go see him when you were obviously so worried yesterday that you had a break-down?"

"I wasn't worried - I was triggered. It was a post-traumatic-stress episode…" She heard herself sounding like a know-it-all.

Matt wouldn't let her off the hook that easily:

"Please! You know that's probably what it was, but for post-traumatic-stress to be triggered there has to be some connection to a traumatic situation. You saw someone you're connected with, maybe even in love with, get life-threateningly injured. Like you saw Andrea get hurt! I am no psychology major but I guess this means that Jay isn't just some guy to you. Why aren't you with him then, seems like you're feeling better now?"

"Because what's the use? You saw me! He doesn't need this drama. He doesn't need a woman by his side who is going nuts every time he gets hurt or things might get dangerous. He's a police officer for Christ's sake! What was I thinking? And again, like I said: He didn't listen to me and got himself into trouble that could have been prevented! So obviously it doesn't matter very much to him how I feel about that." Rianne heard that her voice was getting kind of hysterical again, the tears she had left choking her up.

"Don't you think that's for him to decide what he needs and what he doesn't need? And if I may say so: I'm not so sure that if the roles were reversed you wouldn't have done the same thing he did. And this has nothing to do with how important the other one is to you, it's just in your nature."

When she didn't answer him and her tears just kept falling from her eyes Matt continued to ramble:

"Andrea would have laughed in your face right now, you know that don't you? He would have asked what you are waiting for. What you are so afraid of. You know that life without death does not exist, you can't have the one without the other, so why drive with the brakes on in the meantime? And **you** would have told **me** : 'Don't forget to forgive and don't wait too long to do it. Life is the chance, there will be no better one. It's a damn privilege to be alive, so love, don't wait for next year when the timing might be better. Don't hesitate to tell the people you love that you love them no matter if your love is refrained. There is nothing to lose, so be bold and brave and fundamentally uncool, be vulnerable and soft!' And so on... That's kind of what you said to me when I was struggling with the fact that I was still alive after some lunatic pointed a gun at me and pulled the trigger. My damn luck was that the magazine compartment of that bullet was empty, do you remember?" Matt took a deep breath, exhausted by the unusually long and pretentious speech he had given her.

Against her will Rianne groaned and had to smile a little, cringing:

"Oh my God - I said all that? Was I on something or did I swallow a life-coach-magazine at that time?"

"Pretty much your own words! You can rant on like that if you're on a roll."

"I still cannot go and he's still a damn hypocrite!" As if she was changing her mind that easily just because Matt Casey decided to have his philosophical day.

"And **you** said to **me** once: That feeling, that connection - it won't go away just because you don't want it to be there," Stella suddenly chimed in from the doorway, obviously having listend to the last parts of her conversation with Matt.

Rianne rolled her eyes and pushed her head back into the pillows: Here we go, she thought, her own lectures were catching up to her!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're not too angry at Rianne for not being the tough one here. I felt like it wouldn't have been consistent with her life-experience if seeing Jay on the edge of dying hadn't triggered something from her past.


	25. The Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "The Fear" by Ben Howard

That night Rianne dreamed of that car-crash again.  
How they shouldn't have been driving in that shitty weather, how she had better been on time, how it should have been her who was dead, if Andrea had been able to drive that day like he normally did. How they never had the chance to forgive each other for the fight they had in the car, solve the general difference of opinion they were having about their future. How she would never know if her and Andrea would have made it work until the end, how she had never gotten to meet her son alive and well.  
Everything she had talked about in endless therapy sessions, thought she'd found resolve and absolution from came bubbling up in her dreams.  
If she had been in denial about her more than serious feelings for Jay until now, this was the time she had finally admit to them.  
She wouldn't be in this backwards spiral, if being with him hadn't begun to mean something. It meant more than she ever would have expected and than she had wanted to, but it had happened. He had implanted himself firmly inside her heart and refused to budge.  
After Andrea's death she had thought she would never be able to give her heart away again, more precisely put: There hadn't been anything left to give. It had been impossible to look behind this grief and think she could ever feel something for someone else again that was equally deep and consuming.  
But knowing why she was avoiding the confrontation with Jay didn't mean she could change something about it just like that and stop being afraid.  
Self-analysis without knowing how to move forward really wasn't that helpful.

So even if she didn't know it then, Rianne was lucky that Dr. Daniel Charles paid her a visit, after she had been going on everyone's nerves to get discharged as soon as possible.

Dr. Charles had been off-duty until this morning, but was quickly brought up to speed by his colleagues. He was well acquainted to her case anyway as he had been there for her several times in the last years. He had not really been her administered therapist, but more than once the one of Rianne's choosing. She had been equally thankful for and pissed off at his confrontational and honest demeanor. He did not sweet-talk anything and had always spoken his mind, not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"So, it was brought to my attention you want to get discharged. Are you feeling better then? How's the sensation in your legs?" He had walked into her room casually, his outfit as usual:

Glasses hanging around his neck on those ridiculous strings, light grey coat covering up everything he was wearing underneath but the old-fashioned big tie. Rianne sighed, she felt a therapy session coming she hadn't been asking for:

"Still not fully returned. The right one's okay, the left is at least tingling. So, I am positive that it will return with time, for all I know this is just in my stupid head. And I am also positive that I can recover more quickly from home. I did spent more than enough time in a hospital as a patient as you well know."

Dr. Charles didn't answer her right away, just acted like he was going over her chart and medical history before he posed another question:

"I hear your episode happened when Detective Halstead was brought in with a gunshot wound. Mind elaborating what he is to you? I am just curious..."

"You don't have to pretend: I know you know that Jay and I have been seeing each other so...just ask what you really want to ask!"

Daniel Charles had never been that good at playing dumb and innocent in her eyes. He always very well knew what was going on anyway.

"Okay, if we're being direct why don't we get right to it? I am wondering why you are sitting **here** and not next to his bed, holding his hand, keeping tabs on his recovery-process, like one would expect of a ... let's say: girlfriend?"

"I have decided that it's not a good idea."

"What exactly is not a good idea?"

Now he was really getting on her nerves, so she raised her voice a bit like she was talking to a deaf relative: "B-e-i-n-g with Jay!"

"Would you mind helping me understand that?" Dr. Charles was sitting down next to her now on the side of her bed, as if he had all the time in the world, not reacting to her increasing restlessness.

"Because I was fine before I got close to him. I had my PTSD under control, I could sleep at night, I even went off any medication completely before I met him. I was handling it all pretty well I think. And now I am a mess all over again! I'm a freak who's got it into her head that she can't move her legs although there is nothing physically wrong with them. Maybe I am going to fake experience giving birth to my dead child again next. I fear I can't continue my education as a trauma counselor, because how can I help people overcome something like that one day if I can't even help myself? And **he** doesn't need **this**!" she motioned to herself, still lying in that hospital bed.

Dr. Charles looked at her, not batting an eye. Rianne wondered how he did that, not give anything away that might be going through his head when patients came to him with all their crazy ideas and behavioral ingenuity. She felt **really** crazy at the moment. After all she still was in the psych ward, begging to be let out. Maybe they better not let her.

"Okay, I hear your concern, but first I would like to know: Has there also been an upside to getting close to Jay?"

Rianne rolled her eyes to the ceiling: "You know I know what you're trying to do here, don't you? I am not demented."

"The fact that you know what I am trying to do, doesn't imply that it's destined to not work, does it?" Dr. Charles now cracked a little smile and Rianne couldn't help but do the same.

He was good, she had to give him that.

"Right, I'll try to be a more complying client here: **Of course** there has been an upside to getting closer to Jay."

"Try to describe that upside, color it in for me! What has changed for the better since Jay came into your life?"

"I think I've lost 12 pounds in a month," was the first thing that came to her mind actually.

"Okay, why's that?" Dr. Charles was putting his glasses up his nose.

"He makes me feel so… excited? It's been a long time since I was that excited about anything, it's like I am charged with a new energy. And he challenges me in so many ways. He likes to call me on my shit, he is honest and opinionated. He can be a bit of an ass, but also very attentive and sensitive and funny, playful...he is smart and dedicated to the things he does. I am **super** attracted to him and I feel attractive in his eyes. Jay unveiled desires and sides of myself that I forgot about or that I hadn't even discovered yet, I don't wanna bore you with the details here …" Rianne was a bit shocked to admit that all out loud and abruptly stopped talking.

She could have gone on forever, but all these things didn't really matter in the face of the **one** no-go there was about Jay:

"But now he got shot and I don't know if I can live with that danger – I can't lose another person in my life. I can't let that happen again, so I think it's best if..."

"I remember you saying that to me when we had one of our first sessions: 'How could I let that happen?' I am still wondering what makes you think you are able to influence life to such lengths that you can prevent bad things from happening? Like accidents or people getting shot?" Dr. Charles paused for a while to let her take that in before he continued:

"Jay chose this life. He was in the military and then he became a cop. Not only did he chose police work, he chose to be in a unit where danger and difficult cases are his daily bread and butter and somehow he thrives on it. I think he can't be any different, he doesn't know how to be any other way. If you want to be with him and he lets you in then you have to find a way to be okay with it. And he has to live with the fact that you're a hardworking, opinionated woman who too wouldn't let him define any other career for her than the one she chose herself. Because it's her passion! Just like his passion is fighting crime. If you both can't live with that then you're certainly right: You better walk away now before it gets any more serious than it already has."

"But I don't wanna walk away!" Rianne was taken aback when she heard herself say those words.

They'd just gotten out of her mouth without her knowing they would.  
Hearing Dr. Charles say what she had been saying to herself for some time now must have woken up her unconsciousness that knew very well: She couldn't turn away from this, because she was already in too deep.  
He let her sit on that for a minute, before he stood from the bed and wrote something on her chart. As if accidentally he patted both her legs in passing, pretty hard actually. Rianne definitely felt that. Not continuing to explore her feelings for Jay with her Dr. Charles just said, already heading for the door:

"So, I recommend you take the next week off. I will gladly write up some sick certificate. Wether you use the time to take care of just you or Jay **and** you in the process is of course your decision. By the way: Do you have the idea that people helping other people have to be undamaged and flawless and pure?"

"Maybe," she hadn't really made a final decision about that.

"Do you think **I** can't help other people?"

"No. You just did help me quite a lot I think..."

"So what if I tell you that I have been battling depressions for many years and still manage to work in my profession? I think it's all about what you decide what defines you!"

* * *

Jay had been transferred to a usual room, after he'd spent another night without any complications in the ICU. Doctors had pulled his wound drainage in the morning and had been doing some motion tests on his shoulder. It felt sore and stiff, but Jay was glad to hear that he should make a full recovery with the help of some physical therapy. He was still itching to get out of here soon, not used to lying around doing nothing. In general hospitals creeped him out, especially since he had been spending hours on end in them when his mother had gotten sick.  
His head felt a lot clearer than yesterday, although he knew he was under the influence of a lot of painkillers and shouldn't make any hasty movements.  
Still he felt shitty and restless. Not knowing how Rianne was doing other than that she was taken care of, drove him nuts besides everything else going on in his head. At least he knew by now the Angela debacle was taken care of as Voight had sort of pressured her in keeping her mouth shut about what Jay had told her, in exchange for her freedom. Of course this was not a solution Jay could easily sleep on, but at the moment there was no other.

He had begged Hailey to get his phone for him from his truck, which had been recovered and brought to the station in the meantime.  
When Jay finally got his hands on his technical device around noon and had some time to himself, he checked the missed messages.  
There were several 'Get well soon' wishes from colleagues and friends who had heard what had happened. Between other missed calls there were five from Rianne. She had left three voicemails, they were all from before he got shot.

With a heavy beating heart he listened to all of them consecutively at least being able to hear her voice that way:

_"Hey Jay, turns out Stella can't pick me up from the airport after all. I was wondering if you're already done in court you could maybe come pick me up? If not, I'll manage on my own of course. Anyway, I'm looking forward to our date! Just text or call me when you know what time you'll get off... See you tonight, favorito!"_

He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump that had build in his throat. By then he'd already been captured, beaten and chained to a metal pole, not knowing if he would make it out of there alive. It felt like ages ago, a fate that was someone else's.  
He pressed play to the second one:

_"Really Jay? That's so not cool! I just got off the phone with Hailey, she says you're missing? I can't believe this! If you wanted to get out of that date you really could have been upfront about it. I'm just kidding, but: Call me back, this is ridiculous! I really hope you're not where I think you are...!"_

Hearing her voice, a mixture of upset and still trying to hold on to the hope that everything would be fine, he felt even worse than he had before. What had he put everyone through?  
Her next message wasn't so worried and friendly anymore. He was greeted with an original 'Rianne Torres Delgado fury overload':

_"I'm so freaking angry with you! I mean: We fucking talked about this! I thought we had an understanding and then you go off and do this moronic thing anyway? What the fuck Jay!?"_

He guessed that someone had kept her in the loop during the day. Probably Hailey or Adam or Kim. That last message was around the time the unit had tried to bust him and Angela out the first time and failed because Silva had played them. Jay'd been filled in on everything that had went down on his unit's side.  
There were no more messages from Rianne after that.

The gravity of how bad he'd fucked this whole thing up hit Jay full force.  
Was she coming back to see him at all again? Did she just quietly leave him? How could he be sitting here when she probably was lying in some bed, all messed up because of what he did and he didn't even try to explain himself to her and apologize for his error in judgement?

Jay was determined to get to her right now, no matter what his brother had said. Will didn't know her like he did. He couldn't let her get away!  
Even if he wasn't sure exactly how to do this because he was still feeling weak as hell, which he didn't like too much, he tried to. He managed to get himself sitting upright in the middle of the bed on his own. It took forever and Jay cringed and grunted several times at the pain that was piercing his side and shoulder. His head was holding up pretty good though, maybe because he wasn't able to make any sudden movements anyway. He really did mess himself up good this time.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The sound of Will yelling at him furiously had Jay almost stumble to the ground, because he hadn't been aware that someone had entered the room while he was getting out of the bed.

As quickly as he could, he got himself up anyway and tried to stand his ground:

"I am going to see Rianne!"

"Take a hint! You're not invincible Jay! Sit your damn ass down and get back into bed!"

Will was beyond livid and at his side in a second, pushing him down onto the bed. Jay was of course in no condition to fight him off like he normally would have done.  
Just now close up he saw that his brother looked like crap. The lines on Will's forehead were deeper than usual and there were shadows around his eyes. He surly hadn't been shaving in days and his clothes looked wrinkled, as if he'd been wearing them for quite some time.

"Have you been sleeping at all Will?" Jay tentatively asked.

Wrong question! Will was right up in his face:

"No! I haven't! You know why? Because of you stupid fool going off book, getting yourself shot and almost leaving me the only Halstead of this family!"

"I'm sorry Will, I didn't..." Jay was immediately flooded with guilt, swallowing hard, staring into his brother's tired and troubled eyes.

Everybody had been fussing and worrying about him. Jay hadn't really thought about what it would mean for his brother to loose him. He didn't know what to say to make this right.

"I fucking love you, you know!? Who else should be my best man?" Will sat down next to him on the bed so that they were eye-level.

Jay didn't know though if Will wanted to punch him despite what he just said. He still looked pretty angry and yet his dark eyes were unbelievably soft on him. Fuck!

"I love you too man!" Jay heard his voice breaking and swallowed hard, when Will pulled him into a very tight hug that hurt Jay a bit, but yet was worth the pain, because it was loaded with everything they couldn't really express any other way.

It was brisk and short, them both too choked up to say anything.  
When they heard someone clear their throat behind them, they let go of one another:

"Am I interrupting something?" a female voice asked.

Jay was already in an emotional overflow that didn't seem to stop. It got worse as he looked behind Will and saw a dearly missed figure standing in the doorframe, clad in unusual casual leggings and a long sweater, wearing his favorite person's face. Jay was glad he was still hooked up to some oxygen and that Hailey had brought him real clothes he had gotten changed into, so that he didn't have to be just so literally stripped in only a hospital gown when facing his visitors. His brother found his voice first, wiping away some wayward tears from his eyes:

"No, we're all done here!"

"Can you give us some privacy then?" she begged him, her voice sounding strangely timid and faint.

"Alright, I'll be outside. If he tries to escape again just holler, I'll tackle him!" Will said to Rianne before he put a hand on her shoulder in passing that she squeezed shortly, before closing the door behind Will.

Then she looked at Jay directly for the first time.  
One could have said she looked like hell as well. Blood-shot eyes, pale skin, messy hair and generally not quite so fashionably put together like she usually was, but to him she was still the most beautiful thing. Those blue eyes hit him full force, even if they were slightly watery right now.  
He saw that she was struggling with herself, not sure what to do with her hands, so he was not surprised when she chose attack and abruptness as a temporary solution to her insecurity:

"You look like shit!"

"I feel worse, thank you!" he croaked out, suddenly nervous as hell, keeping his head down a bit when looking at her, as if trying to keep his guard up that way.

"You're lucky you just slipped off your deathbed, otherwise I would be literally kicking you right now!"

"Yeah, I kinda got that message..." he gestured to his phone on the nightstand.

"Message? Oh, yeah, right..." Rianne looked down at her feet, she seemed to have forgotten about her phone calls.

"How are your legs?" Jay asked, noticing that she was at least standing upright on her own and had managed to walk in here by herself.

"They're all better. Left one still hurts, but you know that's almost normal..."

The silence in the room was thick und uncomfortable. Like any moment now a firestorm could break loose.  
Jay didn't know what to say to her, where to begin. He felt a little sick because she was still acting all weird and so far away from him.

"So... I am just gonna tell you what I have to say and then you can do whatever you want with it…" she finally began, delivering him from a bit of the unspoken tension.

"Do you have to say it from across the room?" he probed.

"Yes, because if I come near you right now I'm just going to cry again and I really need to say this first!"

Jay didn't feel right about this. Was she breaking things off right here, right now?  
He wanted to have her by his side straightaway, but he was frozen to the spot just like her. He felt so vulnerable right now, like she could rip his heart out at any second with whatever she had to say and he could do nothing about it. He would just be watching himself bleed out.  
With a shaky voice and glassy eyes directed at him she continued:

"Jay, when I saw you being brought into the hospital I totally freaked out. I didn't know what to do with myself I was so scared for you! I thought that I can't do this a second time, that I can't loose you too, so I tried to shut it down, pretend we both would be better off this way... But being totally honest with myself: I can't seem to stay away and I don't wanna have to blame myself for hiding from something that is already really amazing and could even be getting greater every day, just for fear of losing it again! So, here I am and I hope you can forgive me for behaving like a miserable, lunatic wretch! It would break my heart, but I guess I can just as well understand if you don't wanna be with someone who's all broken and has been somewhat unreliable in this crisis..."

"Would you fucking come over here right now? You're killing me..." Jay managed to get out before his emotions were suffocating him.

He was already perched on the side of the bed again, because he had tried to get out a second time.  
When his words and everything else he tried to say with his pleading eyes registered with Rianne, it was like she was let off a leash. She crossed the room in two limping seconds and wrapped herself around him as best as she could in his state. He pressed her to him tightly, to hell with the consequences to his injuries.  
The thought of never getting to hold her again had been more than scary. Jay was trembling in her embrace, clinging to her frame. He instantly felt ten times better than before and like he was coming up for air. Feeling her body close to his just made total sense.

"I'm so sorry I panicked Jay..." she whispered under tears and kissed his face impetuously multiple times, wiping away the tears that had escaped his eyes too.

Her touch brought solace to his bruised soul.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that and for..." he tried to get in, but she instantly put her finger over his lips and interrupted him:

"Let's just both not do it again, alright?" she pressed her lips to where her finger just had been, a little too coy for his taste.

But it seemed she was afraid of physically hurting him in his state.

"Christ girl, you have a way of creating suspense… I almost thought you were trying to end this once and for all," Jay let his head sink against hers for a moment, taking a long breath, reveling in her familiar smell, trying to capture this moment of relief deep inside his heart.

"Would you have believed me?"

Instead of answering he just took her hand into his, looked at their entwined limbs and began stroking her palm with his thumb, trying to calm down the storm inside of him. There were so many things he wanted to say to her and yet couldn't begin to sort through. Rianne took his head in her hands and made him look into those eyes that had been following him through this nightmare day and night, even if it had just been in his head:

"I have a **major** crush on you, Jay! And trying to not have this crush makes it an even bigger crush! You're all I think about and all I really want!" she held on to his neck even stronger and caressed his ears with her soft fingers.

Major crush didn't even begin to describe what he felt for her, Jay thought to himself before he couldn't help but press his lips to hers desperately, squeezing his eyes shut because they were again burning.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

That night Rianne dreamed of that car-crash again.  
How they shouldn't have been driving in that shitty weather, how she had better been on time, how it should have been her who was dead if Andrea had been able to drive that day like he normally did. How they never had the chance to forgive each other for the fight they had in the car, solve the general difference of opinion they were having about their future. How she would never know if her and Andrea would have made it work until the end, how she had never gotten to meet her son alive and well.  
Everything she had talked about in endless therapy sessions, thought she'd found resolve and absolution from came bubbling up in her dreams.  
If she had been in denial about her more than serious feelings for Jay until now, this was the time she had finally admit to them.  
She wouldn't be in this backwards spiral if being with him hadn't begun to mean something. It meant more than she ever would have expected and than she had wanted to, but it had happened. He had planted himself firmly inside her heart and refused to budge.  
After Andrea's death she had thought she would never be able to give her heart away again, more precisely put: There hadn't been anything left to give. It had been impossible to look behind this grief and think she could ever feel something for someone else again that was equally deep and consuming.  
But knowing why she was avoiding the confrontation with Jay didn't mean she could change something about it jut like that and stop being afraid.  
Self-analysis without knowing how to move forward really wasn't that helpful.

So even if she didn't know it then, Rianne was lucky that Dr. Daniel Charles paid her a visit, after she had been going on everyone's nerves to get discharged as soon as possible.  
Dr. Charles had been off-duty until this morning, but was quickly brought up to speed by his colleagues. He was well acquainted to her case anyway as he had been there for her several times in the last years. He had not really been her administered therapist, but more than once the one of Rianne's choosing. She had been equally thankful for and pissed off at his confrontational and honest demeanor. He did not sweet-talk anything and had always spoken his mind, not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"So, it was brought to my attention you want to get discharged. Are you feeling better then? How's the sensation in your legs?"

He had walked into her room casually, his outfit as usual: Glasses hanging around his neck on those ridiculous strings, light grey coat covering up whatever he was wearing underneath but the old-fashioned big tie. Rianne sighed, she felt a therapy session coming she hadn't been asking for:

"Still not fully returned, the right one's okay, the left is at least tingling. So, I am positive that it will return with time, for all I know this is just in my stupid head. And I am also positive that I can recover more quickly from home. I have spent more than enough time in a hospital as a patient as you well know."

Dr. Charles didn't answer her right away, just acted like he was going over her chart and medical history, before he posed another question:

"I hear your episode happened when Detective Halstead was brought in with a gunshot wound. Mind elaborating what he is to you? I am just curious..."

"You don't have to pretend: I know you know that Jay and I have been seeing each other so...just ask what you really want to ask!"

Daniel Charles had never been that good at playing dumb and innocent in her eyes. He always very well knew what was going on anyway.

"Okay, if we're being direct why don't we get right to it? I am wondering why you are sitting here and not next to his bed, holding his hand, keeping tabs on his recovery-process, like one would expect of a ... let's say girlfriend?"

"I have decided that it's not a good idea."

"What exactly is not a good idea?"

Now he was really getting on her nerves, so she raised her voice a bit like she was talking to a deaf relative: "B-e-i-n-g with Jay!"

"Would you mind helping me understand that?" Dr. Charles was sitting down next to her now on the side of her bed, as if he had all the time in the world, not reacting to her increasing restlessness.

"Because I was fine before I got close to him. I had my PTSD under control, I could sleep at night, I even went off any medication completely before I met him. I was handling it all pretty well I think. And now I am a mess all over again! I'm a freak who's got it into her head that she can't move her legs although there is nothing physically wrong with them. Maybe I am going through experiencing giving birth to my dead child again next. I fear I can't continue my education as a trauma counselor, because how can I help people overcome something like that one day if I can't even help myself? And he doesn't need this!" she motioned to herself, still lying in that hospital bed.

Dr. Charles looked at her, not batting an eye. Rianne wondered how he did that, not giving anything away that might be going through his head when patients came to him with all their crazy ideas and behavioral ingenuity. She felt **really** crazy at the moment. After all she still was in the psych ward, begging to be let out.

"Okay, I hear your concern, but first I would like to know: Has there also been an upside to getting close to Jay?"

Rianne rolled her eyes to the ceiling: "You know I know what you're trying to do here, don't you? I am not demented."

"The fact that you know what I am trying to do, doesn't imply that it's destined to not work, does it?" Dr. Charles now cracked a little smile and Rianne couldn't help but do the same. He was good, she had to give him that.

"Right, I'll try to be a simple client here: **Of course** there has been an upside to getting closer to Jay."

"Try to describe that upside, color it in for me! What has changed for the better since Jay came into your life?"

"I think I've lost 12 pounds in a month," was the first thing that came to her mind actually.

"Okay, why's that?" Dr. Charles was putting his glasses up his nose.

"He makes me feel so… excited? It's been a long time since I was that excited about anything, it's like I am charged with a new energy. And he challenges me in so many ways. He likes to call me on my shit, he is honest and opinionated, he can be a bit of an ass, but also very attentive and sensitive and funny, playful...he is smart and dedicated to the things he does. I am **super** attracted to him and I feel attractive in his eyes. Jay unveiled desires and sides of myself that I forgot about or that I hadn't even discovered yet, I don't wanna bore you with the details here …" Rianne was a bit shocked to admit that all out loud and abruptly stopped talking. She could have gone on forever, but all these things didn't really matter in the face of the **one** no-go there was about Jay:

"But now he got shot and I don't know if I can live with that danger – I can't lose another person in my life. I can't let that happen again, so I think it's best if..."

"I remember you saying that to me when we had one of our first sessions: 'How could I let that happen?' I am still wondering what makes you think you are able to influence life to such lengths that you can prevent bad things from happening? Like accidents? Like people getting shot?"

Dr. Charles paused for a while to let her take that in before he continued:

"Jay chose this life. He was in the military and then he became a cop. Not only did he chose police work, he chose to be in a unit where danger and difficult cases are his daily bread and butter and somehow he thrives on it. I think he can't be any different, he doesn't know how to be any other way. If you want to be with him and he lets you in then you have to find a way to be okay with it. And he has to live with the fact that you're a hardworking, opinionated woman who too wouldn't let him define any other career for her than the one she chose herself. Because it's her passion! Just like his passion is fighting crime. If you both can't live with that then you're certainly right: You better walk away now before it gets any more serious than it already has."

"But I don't wanna walk away!"

Rianne was taken aback when she heard herself say those words. They'd just gotten out of her mouth without her knowing they would.  
Hearing Dr. Charles say what she had been saying to herself for some time now must have woken up her unconsciousness that knew very well:  
She couldn't turn away from this, because she was already in too deep.

He let her sit on that for a minute, before he stood from the bed and wrote something on her chart. As if accidentally he patted both her legs in passing, pretty hard actually. Rianne definitely felt that. Not continuing to explore her feelings for Jay with her Dr. Charles just said, already heading for the door:

"So, I recommend you take the next week off. I will gladly write up some kind of sick certificate. Wether you use the time to take care of just you or Jay **and** you in the process is of course your decision. By the way: Do you have the idea that people helping other people have to be undamaged and flawless and pure?"

"Maybe," she hadn't really made a final decision about that.

"Do you think **I** can't help other people?"

"No. You just did help me quite a lot I think..."

"So what if I tell you that I have been battling depressions for many years and still manage to work in my profession? I think it's all about what you decide what defines you!"

* * *

Jay had been transferred to a usual room, after he'd spent another night without any complications in the ICU. Doctors had pulled his wound drainage in the morning and had been doing some motion tests on his shoulder. It felt sore and stiff, but Jay was glad to hear that he should make a full recovery with the help of some physical therapy. He was still itching to get out of here soon, not used to lying around doing nothing. In general hospitals creeped him out, especially since he had been spending hours on end in them when his mother had gotten sick.  
His head felt a lot clearer than yesterday, although he knew he was still under the influence of a lot of painkillers and shouldn't make any hasty movements.  
Still he felt shitty and restless. Not knowing how Rianne was doing other than that she was taken care of, drove him nuts besides everything else going on in his head. At least he knew by now the Angela debacle was taken care of as Voight had sort of pressured her in keeping her mouth shut about what Jay had told her, in exchange for her freedom. Of course this was not a solution Jay could easily sleep on, but at the moment there was no other.

He had begged Hailey to get his phone for him from his truck, which had been recovered and brought to the station in the meantime.  
When Jay finally got his hands on his technical device around noon and had some time to himself, he checked the missed messages.  
There were several 'Get well soon' wishes from colleagues and friends who had heard what had happened. Between other missed calls there were five from Rianne. She had left three voicemails, they were all from before he got shot.

With a heavy beating heart he listened to all of them consecutively at least being able to hear her voice that way:

_"Hey Jay, turns out Stella can't pick me up from the airport after all. I was wondering when you're already done in court you could maybe come pick me up? If not, I'll manage on my own of course. Anyway, I'm looking forward to our date! Just text or call me when you know what time you'll get off... See you tonight, favorito!"_

He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump that had build in his throat. By then he'd already been captured, beaten and chained to a metal pole, not knowing if he would make it out of there alive. It felt like ages ago, a fate that was someone else's.  
He pressed play to the second one:

_"Really Jay? That's so not cool! I just got off the phone with Hailey, she says you're missing? I can't believe this! If you wanted to get out of that date you really could have been upfront about it. I'm just kidding, but: Call me back, this is just ridiculous! I really hope you're not where I think you are...!"_

Hearing her voice a mixture of upset and still trying to hold on to the hope that everything would be fine he felt even worse than he had before. What had he put everyone through?

Her next message wasn't so worried and friendly anymore. He was greeted with an original Rianne Torres Delgado fury overload:

_"I'm just so freaking angry with you! I mean, we talked about this! I thought we had an understanding and then you go off and do this moronic thing anyway? What the fuck!?"_

He guessed that someone had kept her in the loop during the day. Probably Hailey or Adam or Kim. That last message was around the time the unit had tried to bust him and Angela out the first time and failed because Silva had played them. Jay'd been filled in on everything that had gone down on on his unit's side. There were no more messages from Rianne after that.

The gravity of how bad he'd fucked this whole thing up hit Jay full force.  
Was she coming back to see him at all again? Did she just quietly leave him? How could he be sitting here when she probably was lying in some bed, all messed up because of what he did and he didn't even try to explain himself to her and apologize for his error in judgement?

Jay was determined to get to her right now, no matter what his brother had said. Will didn't know her like he did. He couldn't let her get away!  
Even if he wasn't sure exactly how to do this because he was still feeling weak as hell, which he didn't like too much, he tried to. He managed to get himself sitting upright in the middle of the bed on his own. It took forever and Jay cringed and grunted several times at the pain that was piercing his side and shoulder. His head was holding up pretty good though, maybe because he wasn't able to make any sudden movements anyway. He really did mess himself up good this time.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The sound of Will yelling at him furiously had Jay almost stumble to the ground, because he hadn't been aware that someone had entered the room while he was getting out of the bed. As quickly as he could, he got himself standing upright anyway and tried to stand his ground:

"I am going to see Rianne!"

"Take a hint! You're not invincible Jay! Sit your damn ass down and get back into bed!"

Will was beyond livid and at his side in a second, pushing him down onto the bed. Jay was of course in no condition to fight him off like he normally would have done.  
Just now close up he saw that his brother looked like crap. The lines on Will's forehead were deeper than usual and there were shadows around his eyes. He surly hadn't been shaving in days and his clothes looked wrinkled, as if he'd been wearing them for quite some time.

"Have you been sleeping at all Will?" Jay tentatively asked.

Wrong question! Will was right up in his face: "No! I haven't! You know why? Because of you stupid fool going off book, getting yourself shot and almost leaving me the only Halstead of this family!"

"I'm sorry Will, I didn't..." Jay was immediately flooded with guilt, swallowing hard, staring into his brother's tired and troubled eyes.

Everybody had been fussing and worrying about him. Jay hadn't really thought about what it would mean for his brother to loose him. He didn't know what to say to make this right.

"I fucking love you, you know!? Who else should be my best man then?"

Will sat down next to him on the bed so that they were eye-level. Jay didn't know though if Will wanted to punch him despite what he just said, he looked pretty angry still and yet his dark eyes were unbelievably soft on him. Fuck!

"I love you too man!" Jay heard his voice breaking and swallowed hard, when Will pulled him into a very tight hug that hurt Jay a bit, but yet was worth the pain, because it was loaded with everything they couldn't really express any other way. It was brisk and short, them both too choked up to say anything.

When they heard someone clear their throat behind them, they let go of one another:

"Am I interrupting something?" a female voice asked.

Jay was already in an emotional overflow that didn't seem to stop. It even got worse as he looked behind Will and saw a dearly missed figure standing in the doorframe, clad in unusual casual leggings and a long sweater, wearing his favorite person's face. Jay was glad he was still hooked up to some oxygen and that Hailey had brought him real clothes he had gotten changed into, so that he didn't have to be just so literally stripped in only a hospital gown when facing his visitors. His brother found his voice first, wiping away some wayward tears from his eyes:

"No, we're all done here!"

"Can you give us some privacy then?" she begged him, her voice sounding strangely timid and faint.

"Alright, I'll be outside. If he tries to escape again just holler, I'll tackle him!" Will said to Rianne before he put a hand on her shoulder in passing that she squeezed shortly, before closing the door behind Will.

Then she looked at Jay directly for the first time. One could have said she looked like hell as well. Blood-shot eyes, pale skin, messy hair and generally not quite so fashionably put together like she usually was, but to him she was still the most beautiful thing. Those blue eyes hit him full force, even if they were slightly watery right now.  
He saw that she was struggling with herself, not sure what to do with her hands, so he was not surprised when she chose attack and abruptness as a temporary solution to her insecurity:

"You look like shit!"

"I feel worse, thank you!" he croaked out, suddenly nervous as hell, keeping his head down a bit when looking at her, as if trying to keep his guard up that way.

"You're lucky you just slipped off your deathbed, otherwise I would be literally kicking you right now!"

"Yeah, I kinda got that message..." he gestured to his phone on the nightstand.

"Message? Oh, yeah, right..." Rianne looked down at her feet, she seemed to have forgotten about her phone calls.

"How are your legs?" Jay asked, noticing that she was at least standing upright on her own and had managed to walk in here by herself.

"They're all better. Left one still hurts, but you know that's almost normal..."

The silence in the room was thick und uncomfortable. Like any moment now a firestorm could break loose.  
Jay didn't know what to say to her, where to begin. He felt a little sick because she was still acting all weird and so far away from him.

"So... I am just gonna tell you what I have to say and then you can do whatever you want with it…" she finally began, delivering him from a bit of the unspoken tension.

"Do you have to say it from across the room?" he probed.

"Yes, because if I come near you right now I'm just going to cry again and I really need to say this first!"

Jay didn't feel right about this. Was she breaking things off right here, right now?  
He wanted to have her by his side straightaway, but he was frozen to the spot just like her. He felt so vulnerable right now, like she could rip his heart out at any second with whatever she had to say and he could do nothing about it. He would just be watching himself bleed out.  
With a shaky voice and glassy eyes directed at him she continued:

"Jay, when I saw you being brought into the hospital I totally freaked out. I didn't know what to do with myself I was so scared for you! I thought that I can't do this a second time, that I can't loose you too, so I tried to shut it down, pretend we both would be better off this way... But being totally honest with myself: I can't seem to stay away and I don't wanna have to blame myself for hiding from something that is already really amazing and could be getting even greater every day, just for fear of losing it again! So, here I am and I hope you can forgive me for behaving like a miserable, lunatic wretch! It would break my heart, but I guess I can just as well understand if you don't wanna be with someone who's all broken and has been somewhat unreliable in this crisis..."

"Would you fucking come over here right now? You're killing me..." Jay managed to get out before his emotions were suffocating him. He was already perched on the side of the bed again, because he had tried to get out a second time.  
When his words and everything else he tried to say with his pleading eyes registered with Rianne, it was like she was let off a leash. She crossed the room in two limping seconds and wrapped herself around him as best as she could in his state. He pressed her to him tightly, to hell with the consequences to his injuries.  
The thought of never getting to hold her again had been more than scary. Jay was trembling in her embrace, clinging to her frame.  
He instantly felt ten times better than before and like he was coming up for air. Feeling her body close to his just made total sense.

"I'm so sorry I panicked Jay..." she whispered under tears and kissed his face impetuously multiple times, wiping away the tears that had escaped his eyes too. Her touch brought solace to his bruised soul.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that and for..." he tried to get in, but she instantly put her finger over his lips and interrupted him:

"Let's just both not do it again, alright?" she pressed her lips to where her finger just had been, a little too coy for his taste. But it seemed she was afraid of physically hurting him in his state.

"Christ girl, you have a way of creating suspense… I almost thought you were trying to end this once and for all," Jay let his head sink against hers for a moment, taking a long breath, reveling in her familiar smell, trying to capture this moment of relief deep inside his heart.

"Would you have believed me if I did?"

Instead of answering he just took her hand into his, looked at their entwined limbs and began stroking her palm with his thumb, trying to calm down the storm inside of him. There were so many things he wanted to say to her and yet couldn't begin to sort through. Rianne took his head in her hands and made him look into those eyes that had been following him through this nightmare day and night, even if it had just been in his head:

"I have a **major** crush on you, Jay! And trying to not have this crush makes it an even bigger crush! You're all I think about and all I really want!"

She held on to his neck even stronger and caressed his ears with her soft fingers.

Major crush didn't even begin to describe what he felt for her, Jay thought to himself before he couldn't help but press his lips to hers desperately, squeezing his eyes shut because they were again burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great point to end this story, isn't it?
> 
> ...No, just kidding... if you're down I have a little more to tell about Jay & Rianne. I can't part with them yet and think they still have to sort out some issues and overcome further obstacles (even if they don't know that yet).


	26. Hymn #101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't get bored by the storms calming down for a moment, but I felt like Jay and Rianne needed a break from extreme drama for a second. So the next chapter(s) are probably going to be a bit about them exploring a little more day-to-day-life and a perspective for their future together and of course Jay is still healing up from his injuries. I was somewhat amazed by his speedy recovery on the show.
> 
> Chapter Title "Hymn #101" by The Ballroom Thieves

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

On Wednesday Rianne hurried to get back to the hospital and to Jay, cursing herself for her time management.  
Her morning had taken somewhat more hours than she originally established and now she was a little late for rounds at Med. She had wanted to hear for herself if Jay would be out of there soon or if there were further complications.

While Jay had been feeling better every day in general and his injuries were healing, he had spiked a little fever Monday night. It had went down pretty quickly in the morning, but nonetheless especially Will and her had been worried. Sometimes she still was not able to believe that they had gotten so lucky, so everything seemed pretty fragile. Every time she heard him talking to and looking at her with those soulful eyes it felt a little unreal after the state she had seen him in when he was rolled into the hospital just five days ago.

Jay and her had yet to figure out a lot for themselves and between them in the aftermath. For the time being though Rianne at least was just contend to sit and lie with him, keep him company and not give him any more grief about what happened and he seemed to feel the same. Besides of course wanting to get out of Med a.s.a.p. because he was convinced that nothing good ever happened in hospitals and any argument about that with him was pointless.

Yesterday evening she'd gone home for the first time, feeling like she needed to take care of some things, finally take a real shower and change into some other outfit to make her feel more like herself again.  
Rianne had then spoken to her boss today and applied for more days of personal leave. Apart from wanting to take care of Jay and be there for him, make good on her intend to not walk away from this, she thought she should probably take Dr. Charles' advise and use the time to rest up herself, get her head cleared and not just carry on as if nothing had happened. It was the first time she had ever really asked for that: take time off work besides vacation days.  
After her and Andrea's accident she'd been back on the job as soon as she could get out of bed again and was cleared by her superiors.  
She had always just cried and suffered in silence after-hours and in the administered therapy-sessions.

Feeling actually pretty good about this new approach and herself, her mood was a bit damped by the scene she witnessed when she finally got to Chicago Med:

Jay was out of bed and fully dressed, his partner Hailey in the room with him.  
Right when Rianne walked in she was helping him put on his thick black sweater-jacket, arranging it neat and carefully around his left shoulder. Rianne knew he couldn't really do it himself, because he was a little handicapped with the sling they had to put his arm in. Til further instructions from the medics he had to take the pressure off his shoulder with it.  
But why did Hailey have to be the one to do it?

In general it had been really touching to see how well liked among his colleagues Jay was. There had been a constant flow of visitors and people sending him messages and asking about him. His unit had been there everyday, so of course had Hailey.  
But how she was helping Jay now didn't sit right with Rianne. Something about the way she looked at him while she did it was a little too intimate for Rianne's taste. At the same time she was taken aback by that unknown feeling of jealousy. Until now this had always been no concern to her, not ever, although Andrea surly had had a way of being flirtatious with everyone from time to time. Rianne had never really asked herself why she hadn't felt that burning notion in her stomach until now. She didn't like it at all, especially since she actually couldn't say a bad thing about the blonde detective.

"What's up guys?" Rianne made her presence known casually.

Hailey stepped two steps back from Jay. This felt a little awkward, like Rianne had walked in on something she wasn't allowed to see, which was odd.

"Hey, right on time! I am a free man..." Jay seemed almost chipper and beamed at her from across the room.

Rianne was not so sure if this was his idea or if he really had been cleared by the medical staff. So she looked at him skeptically:

"D'you think this is a good idea?"

Jay rolled his eyes towards the ceiling: "I am going stir crazy in here."

"The man hates hospitals..." Hailey joined in, making Rianne feel a bit stupid and causing her to snap at Hailey:

"Yeah, I know **the man** hates a lot of things that are actually good for him, so what? Life's not a request program. What did the doctors say?" She purposefully just looked at the man in the room.

Jay knew what she was silently asking him with her eyes: 'Why didn't you call me right away?'

"You said you'd come around noon anyway," he answered a little warily.

"Yeah, right... Sorry, I wasn't here earlier, but I had to take care of something..."

Something that was rather a big thing for her she hadn't told him about yet.  
Rianne hated to feel like she had to explain herself and that she somehow didn't do a good enough job at taking care of him. Maybe she already sucked at the girlfriend thing altogether? Somebody else was obviously just waiting around the corner to swoop in and do it for her.  
So she was glad that Jay caught on to her confusion and inner conflict. He came to stand beside her kissing her temple and filled her in on all the news:

"Dr. Marcel said I am good to go as long as I take it slow and check in daily with him or Will and come back immediately with any kind of dizziness, fever or increasing pain. But as we have been working on getting me back on my feet constantly, we are feeling very positive about letting me go."

Rianne knew he was probably exaggerating to make her feel better and raised her eyebrows at him. Indeed the medical staff had made him leave the bed for little walks every day to help built his strength back up and get his circulation going.

"I can give him a ride home if you have to go back to work," Hailey offered quickly, before Rianne had even wrapped her head around the fact that Jay was ready to leave the hospital right now!

"Actually I just took the rest of the week off, so I am taking him home with me. But thanks for offering," Rianne forced herself to smile and grabbed Jay's right hand kind of possessively, yet she gave it her all to keep her tone towards Hailey civil.

After all the other woman just meant well. They had been through a lot together, so Jay almost dying must have had Hailey thrown for a loop as well.  
Rianne looked up at him, studying his face:  
He gave her his shy half-smile that made her weak at the knees every time, it was so sweet.  
Jay must have seen her looking at the phone in his hand then, which she knew was not his private one. It was the one she had picked up from her bedroom floor last week. It made her immediately nervous and got her heart-rate up. That phone was a constant reminder of how and why it all had gone so terribly wrong and why they were here in the first place.  
Without saying anything Jay suddenly handed it over to his partner:

"Hailey, would you get rid of that for me? I am applying for a new one once I get back on the job..."

Rianne's heart jumped up in her chest, inner victory fist held up high. This meant everything to her. She let him know she appreciated the gesture by gently hugging his side and he squeezed her waist back.

"Of course," Hailey sounded a bit astonished, but took the phone anyway and left with it:

"I'll leave you guys to it then... Feel better Jay, keep me in the loop."

On what? On his everyday status? Rianne thought not so, scolding herself at the same time for that bitchy thought. She really had to get a handle on feeling threatened by Hailey.

* * *

"What d'you mean by: ' **I am taking him home with me'**?" Jay asked her before Rianne started up the motor of her van.

He had been mock complaining about having to drive in that vintage, spluttering ride of hers, wondering if they would even make it as far as three miles in this thing, but he secretly liked that she had pulled up in front of the hospital for him, causing a bit of a scene. Getting himself into the car with using only one arm and hand because his left was in that stupid sling and still somewhat useless, his cracked rib not really healed either, had been a bit of an ordeal. Jay already hated to feel this immobile and that he couldn't even drive by himself. Knowing his impatience this would be one of the first things he needed to try though when he got the chance. Driving stick would probably be out of the question, but most cars, in his universe at least, were automatic anyway. He couldn't stand being that dependent on his fellow humans for longer than necessary.

Rianne didn't answer him right away and pulled out of the hospital driveway first, the three paper cranes hanging from her front view mirror shaking madly with the movement of the car. In general that van was pretty noisy. Not only because of the old engine, but because of all the nick-nack around and some stuff in the cupboards rattling like mad whenever one drove around the corner or over a pothole. Somehow it was also the most fitting ride for that woman next to him. Just as odd and certainly high maintenance, as well as very peculiar. Jay couldn't help but smile to himself imagining how their pairing must look to the world outside. Clean-cut police officer and ex-soldier riding off into the sunset in a hippie-dippie dream with a bohemian queen by his side. He never would have thought that it would allay his concerns about her well-being to that extent: But seeing her in today's colorful outfit, consisting of yellow corduroy paperback shorts over black tights, white top under a striped long woolen cardigan that reached almost down to the floor and some crazy-embroidered cowboy boots on her feet, ready to take on the world again, made him feel a lot better. As it had been constantly raining and slowly getting colder for the last few days her hair was hidden under a grey skater cap making her look all hipster-cute.

"What do you think it means?" Rianne just threw a sideways glance in his direction after she had reached S Ashland Avenue, her bangles dangling along with her paper cranes, when she changed gears.

She really was gonna make him say it.

"Does it mean that we are not parting ways at my front door?!" Here's hoping it did!

Man, maybe he really had abandonment issues like his brother had said. Jay felt like a little child that didn't want his mum to leave yet. Although thinking of Rianne as his mum was probably a little inappropriate.  
But for real: He wasn't ready to be alone and just wanted her to stay with him, give him a bit of assurance that this was for real. Jay was mostly afraid of having to face the nights alone. His last one in the hospital had sucked pretty much already as he had been adamant to take as few painkillers and anti-anxiety pills as he had to. He wanted to keep a clear head nevertheless. But once that head started spinning it was hard to jump off that wagon on his own without any distraction. And as work and working out wasn't an option at the moment, there was only so much left to do by himself.

Rianne and him hadn't really talked about what would happen once he was released.  
Jay never really asked anything of anyone, that was why it was so hard to say out loud. But he would have liked to ask so much of her. Jay wanted her to not only spent **this** night with him and help keep the demons away, but all the following ones as well. He couldn't really say that though could he? It sounded weak and clingy and he had made it as far as 34 just fine without someone constantly by his side holding his hand, hadn't he?

"It means we're going to pack up some stuff at your place and then I am keeping an eye on you at mine for the next few days, until I am sure you don't need a babysitter anymore!"

Jay didn't like the expression 'babysitter'. Otherwise he didn't dare to fight her plan. To recover with a view sounded real nice. Every fibre of his screamed "Yes!" at the top of their lungs, but he didn't say anything yet.

"And in case you were wondering why I'm not gonna stay at your place I guess the answer is pretty easy: Límon would be furious with me for bringing him to a home with no roof access and an empty fridge, so I guess you'll have to understand: My place it is, end of story!"

She was struggling to keep a serious face, but when Jay just looked at her with raised eyebrows she burst out laughing and reached for his knee to squeeze it:

"Just relax, I think he will show you the best escape routes out of there if you get sick of me!"

"I doubt that'll ever happen..." Jay really couldn't imagine that, he couldn't wait to discover all he didn't know about her.

"Just wait until you catch on to all my strange routines. We really have just been seeing little sequences of our lives until now, probably even behaving ourselves, so I'll guess this should be interesting..." Rianne mused.

Pulling up at the curb in front of his apartment she added: "But I am also kind of excited!"

She quickly got out of the car to come around his side and open the door for him, although he could do that himself just as well.  
When he got out he pulled her in for a sweet kiss, having a better angle to do this now than in the car.

"Me too," he smiled into her bright eyes, just thankful for her candor and relieved they got the chance to do this together.

* * *

His apartment was extraordinary clean when they went in. Jay had almost been afraid it would look exactly the same as a week ago, where he'd wreaked a bit of a havoc in here, just sleeping and eating take-out in between working, worrying about his relationship, trying to come up with a solution about Angela and going to see her anyway. It felt like a lifetime ago, like he stepped into someone else's life.

Of course Rianne couldn't know how bad a state this place had been in, but she seemed to find it unrealistic that it looked this spotless after being empty for so long.

"D'you have a cleaning lady after all?" she commented when she took a look around.

"No, I guess Hailey … did a bit of tidying up when she came here to get me some stuff," Jay was embarrassed to admit that, but didn't wanna lie to her.

He had detected a little bit of a cat-fight in progress between Rianne and Hailey earlier at the hospital. This certainly would not help to cool things down.

"Ay, caracho! **She** needs to back off a little!" Rianne's eyes went wide and Jay thought any minute now he would see actual steam come out of her nostrils.

"Yeah, but she's my partner…" he tried to reason with her, beginning to search for a big enough bag to throw a few things in.

"Right, she's your partner at work! But I am your partner too now, you know? And I would like to think that I have more rights and access!"

"Do you now?" Jay watched her try to quickly reign in her temperament and felt his heart thump strongly in his chest:

"Is someone a little jealous?"

"Do I have a reason to be?" She positioned herself in front of him, hands on her hips, ready to go to war.

Jay put his hand to her cheek to stop her mind from racing. Then he softly spoke, trying very hard not to grin too broadly at her. He found it kind of cute how she still thought he would not see right through her front:

"You're the only one with an access-all-areas VIP-exclusive pass, scout's honor!"

"Good save!" She momentarily leaned into his hand, smacked a kiss on his wrist and then helped him get his stuff, so they could go get some rest.

* * *

Jay found that Rianne had prepared everything at her home for him, so the decision to take him there with her had not been a spontaneous one.  
She did not do it in a loud and pretentious way, but there were small details in the loft that she had arranged, almost not mentioning them. She knew he would notice though and it felt just nice.  
For example there were now two pillows and blankets on her bed, although he expected they would end up sharing one set anyway. A fresh towel was hanging beside the one she obviously used at the moment, there was an empty glass at the basin he could put his toothbrush in and she had cleared away some of her cosmetic stuff that was usually cluttering all the space, so he could put his few things up with hers too. There were even two empty drawers in her room for his clothes, so that he didn't have to live out of a bag for the time being. Rianne also had bought some sports magazines and some special motorcycle paper she must have seen him having earlier issues of. She'd arranged extra cushions and blankets on the big sofa, making sure he'd be comfortable enough when propping himself up in front of the TV. Thankfully Nate hadn't taken that away. He really hoped there were some good games coming up they could watch on that giant ceiling screen to pass the time.

Concerning that topic:

"What happens when Nate gets back?"

After putting his stuff away, Jay joined Rianne in the kitchen, where she was busy preparing something for dinner.

"I just know he's still shacked up in his family's vacation home according to Adam. Told him to call me as soon as he hears otherwise."

"Okay… what are you making there, it looks…"

"Healthy?" Rianne really was chopping a lot of vegetables.

"Yeah… thought you would nurse me back to health with comfort food, like…"

"Mac'n'Cheese, hm?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Well, sorry to disappoint you, but as I guess Mac'n'Cheese is the only thing **you** can really cook, you make some for me one day. Today it's veggie day I'm afraid!"

Jay was pouting, but reached for her body anyway. He couldn't believe that she had caught him out on something he hadn't told her yet, again.

"Thanks for all the preparations, the magazines by the way - I really appreciate it," Jay ran his fingers through the fine hair in her neck.

"Yeah, I don't wanna risk you getting bored, so…" she hugged his torso and winked at him.

It seemed she was a little embarrassed by his gratitude.

"Why should I get bored if I get to watch **you** all day?"

"Ew, I think you're really getting better. You're all smooth and charming again…" she wanted to step out of his embrace, but he didn't let her, as best as he could with just one arm.

"But it's true! I am grateful that we get to really **be** together you know? Although there probably could have been a less dramatic way to do this…"

* * *

Really be together for their first 24 hours out of the hospital meant mostly: Catch up on some sleep.  
Frustrating as it was for him, being used to depend on the strength and fitness of his body everyday, Jay was pretty wiped out after that first afternoon out of bed. Being up on his feet for longer than he had been in days had exhausted him.  
So after having had an early dinner they had settled on the couch, lights dimmed, the city noise of Chicago softly crawling in through the open balcony doors. Rianne was a sucker for that early evening atmosphere in autumn and she loved a bit of crisp air around her nose while she was cosying up with Jay under some blankets. The color of the sky today was unreal, as the sun set and drenched everything in a dark orange, some purple blue rain clouds looming just above that light.  
It was funny that her and Jay noticed on this occasion that they'd already developed some kind of habits with each other that had to be rearranged because of Jay's injury now. Normally Rianne always used to lie, sit or go on his left side.

They were both quiet, looking out at the spectacle of the sunset. Rianne was trying not to move to let Jay relax into her. Holding him in her arms without any hospital room restrictions or prying eyes around felt extremely precious in this moment. It got her all warm and tingling inside. He was a bit restless by her side, his brows furrowed, eyes opening and closing as if he was fighting sleep.

"Stop thinking so loud Jay, you're giving me a headache!" She had a hunch that he was sitting on something.

"Sorry, I just feel like there is so much to figure out, things spinning in my head and I think I still owe you some kind of explanation…"

The Angela topic indeed had been avoided up until now, at least in direct words. Rianne had felt like she needed to give him space to process, not push him. If he wanted to talk to her about it she was sure he eventually would:

"There is no rush. We can just stay in some kind of bubble for a while, heal over. You talk when you're ready to talk, I'll be over here. And if you wanna sleep all day instead it's fine with me too. It's alright to take a minute and press pause for a while." If only she would listen to her wise advise herself more often, she thought sighing.

"I'm afraid I'm not very good at this …" Jay sighed too, now finally closing his eyes.

"Me neither, so we'll learn together…"

Combing through his hair she noticed that it had gotten longer than he usually wore it and soft waves were fighting through them on his forehead. Smiling to herself she continued to run her fingers along them. This was actually really soothing for her too.

"What are you smiling about?" She had thought that Jay had dosed off.

"Just the fact that you actually seem to be a bit of a Curly Sue, when you don't get your regular cut…"

"Yeah, we need to do something about that…" he mumbled, turning even more into her, using her stomach as a cushion.

"Why we?" Rianne didn't get an answer to that anymore, because this time Jay was really fast asleep.


	27. You Do Something To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "You do something to me" by Skunk Anansie

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne studied herself in the bathroom mirror over the big white porcelain basin. Wet hair snaking down over her shoulders, droplets of water running down over her naked breasts. Her face was clean, scrubbed of any make-up, her eyes focused on her reflection, clear blue pupils looking back at her seriously. This was her, right now, 32, a widow, almost a mother, only child, wild child, a mixture of passion and prudence, dreamer, working-bee, a lover, friend, standing on the ledge of a new beginning.  
At least it felt like one to her.  
She took in the empty space around her neck and over her sternum where there once had been a constant companion for several years until two days ago.  
It had felt strange not wearing it, but also okay, she hadn't freaked out about it. So it was the right time.

Taking a deep breath she reached for the small black jewelry box on the shelf next to the mirror, taking out a shiny new piece of gold combined with gemstone. It weighed next to nothing, but it held so much meaning for her, it should have weighed a ton.  
Rianne cautiously put it on, running her fingers over the cold metal of the necklace and the small tear-shaped emerald pendant. It looked completely different, but delicate and beautiful. Closing her eyes for a moment she let her breath run through her whole body.

When she opened her eyes again they met Jay's gaze in the mirror. She wasn't startled and didn't flinch. Somehow she had already sensed his presence in the room. Rianne wasn't ashamed of her nudity: there was nothing to see he hadn't seen and touched already several times. Not saying anything and not moving either, he seemed to see this as an invitation to come up behind her, their eyes keeping the contact in the mirror-pane.

"Did Voight leave already?" she asked when Jay had almost caught up to her.

It had been kind of strange to have the feared leader of Intelligence at her home to pay Jay a visit. In those private quarters he hadn't been quite as intimidating as Rianne sometimes saw him act on the job. He had even smiled at her and patted her shoulder when she'd let him in, grunting something like:

"Good on you to keep an eye on him kid!"

Assured that someone was with Jay for a while she had excused herself to take a bath, not wanting to disturb the two men, if they had to talk about confidential stuff.

"Yep, all cleared up," Jay kissed her naked shoulder several times, putting his arm around her waist from behind.

"Did you have to strip down for him?"

Rianne cracked a little smile, because Jay was just in his tight boxer briefs and had taken off the sling around his arm. The thick bandage on his shoulder was a little crumpled.

"No," he chuckled in her ear and his fingers drew soft circles over her belly that made her skin pebble and caused a tingling sensation in her lower abdomen.

Right, there was that burning sensation between them again. Since being home their physical interactions with each other had been rather PG13 up until now.

"That sling is killing my neck after wearing it all day. I was actually getting ready for bed and wondering, if you could help change that dressing?"

"Yeah, sure!" she nodded.

Getting the antiseptic dressings they had been given by the hospital yesterday, Rianne tried to carefully peel off the bandage that was covering Jay's wound, keeping her eyes to the task on purpose. She didn't want to embarrass him by observing his every reaction to pain or discomfort. He stood perfectly still and just let her handle it, trusting her with this. When there were no more layers left, and she had cleaned the skin around his wound, she found herself staring at the clearly noticeable dark round hole just under his left collarbone. She felt her heartbeat increasing and her hand beginning to shake slightly, wondering what it must have felt like to be hit that way by a metal object, aimed at him on purpose, supposed to kill him.

A tear was suddenly running down her face when her fingers hovered over the nasty red scar forming on his skin before she took the new wound dressing and covered it up. This was another reminder on his body that he had cheated death more than once. Just like the second one on his shoulder, a little higher above this one, like the ones on his hip and his throat, the uncountable little scratches from smaller accidents on the job or the war, some he couldn't even really tell her how he had gotten them.

"I'm still here babe," he suddenly said in a low voice.

Jay had of course been watching her closely, catching on to the emotional state she was in. Nothing really escaped his eyes. Rianne gave it her all to compose herself, not go down that spiral of fear and worry. He was right, he was here with her, still in one piece, hugging her to him like he had done before he got shot and almost died. But he hadn't. He felt comfortingly warm, safe and strong. Pressing a kiss to his chest she looked up at his face, also holding a ton of different emotions.

* * *

"New necklace?" Jay nodded to the unusual attire around her slender neck.

The one with the Italian signature was missing, instead there was an emerald stone pendant on a wispy golden chain now. It looked simple but pretty. He had watched her put it on right before he went into the bathroom.

"Yeah, that's actually why I was late yesterday. I … went to the burial ground Tuesday evening, put my old necklace in a box and left it with Andrea. I felt like I... had to get a new one. Like a new start? So I went to my favorite jewelry store before I came to the hospital again to see what they had, if something would feel right..."

With an already heavy beating heart Jay touched the pendant around her neck tentatively, his voice laced with emotion when he carefully asked:

"Why this one then?" He knew it was almost like she had taken off her wedding ring.

"I browsed through all the stuff they had and when I saw this one it just… it reminded me of you? Of the color of your eyes, so… yeah, it just felt instantly right…D'you think it's stupid?" Meeting his look with a somewhat lopsided and insecure smile, nose scrunched up a tad bit, Rianne obviously wasn't sure that he'd get what a grand gesture this was.

But Jay did. He was in fact struggling for air, completely overwhelmed by the warm wave of feelings rolling through him. So Jay couldn't help but let his body speak for him, he couldn't possibly find more words than:

"I think it's beautiful!" before he pulled her against him and buried his hand in her still wet hair.

His mouth landed on hers hard, desperate, greedy, his tongue finding a rhythm with hers quickly. Rianne's hands wound around his hips and she pressed her body into his urgently. Its reaction was imminent, electric shockwaves charging through his veins. God had he missed to feel her this close, skin on skin. Actual sighs of relief and pleasure were leaving his mouth.  
Suddenly though she wriggled away from him a little, catching her breath:

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

"We'll just take it slow, maybe you'll have to help me out..." Taking in her swollen, thoroughly kissed lips and flushed face Jay knew he didn't want to stop yet.

"Like 'first base' slow?" she came closer again, winking and catching his waist.

"I need us to do more than that! I feel like I haven't touched you in so long…" he caressed her naked figure with his eyes, looking her up and down.

Those glorious curves that were already so familiar to him and yet he felt he hadn't appreciated and touched them nearly enough. Screw his injuries, he needed this! He desperately needed to feel like a man again and not an invalid. A man worthy of this woman, a man that could give her what she deserved. She deserved every ounce of love he had to give.

"I did always regret blowing through our first time so fast, so slow sounds good…"

"Yeah, that was kind of intense…" Jay kissed her nose thinking back to that night.

"I was actually afraid that I would not go through with it if I stopped for just a second," she admitted to him.

"I'm glad you didn't. Seems like a lifetime ago…"

"A lot has happened since…"

"Funny to think that only two months ago I kissed you for the first time…"

"Look who's counting now!" Rianne smiled and softly ran her hand through his hair.

It really felt like much more time had passed since then.  
Taking his hand in hers and gently tugging at it to make him walk with her, she went back into the bedroom. Jay had turned on the little lights there earlier. It was already dark outside apart from the permanent light veil of the city.

"I need to trust you that you'll stop this when you're in pain Jay," she made him promise with an intense and pleading look in her eyes.

He was sure that he would be in more pain if they stopped right now, but he slowly nodded.

Watching her watch him he moved his hand down her spine and softly cupped her butt cheeks for a moment, before he let his fingers dive even lower, stroking along the silky soft skin on the insides of her thighs. Coming out as an aroused whimper he felt her breath hot on his mouth. First kissing along her chin, then her neck and finally taking one of her already erect nipples into his mouth the temperature in the room was climbing up constantly.  
Rianne let her head sink back, giving him better access to her body and closed her eyes. It was so quiet that one could have heard a pin drop, only their agitated breathing sounded three times as loud in Jay's ears. Bestowing featherlight kisses on her stomach, following the lines of those artistic watercolor waves and black-and-white flower petals leading down to her pubic mound, he was then almost kneeling in front of her. When he put his lips on her, the feeling of damp hot skin on his mouth and her little sounds of excitement, drove him completely crazy. He feared his carotid artery would burst any moment, when she pulled him up by his hair and kissed him on his lips full force.  
For a split second their eyes met. Rianne climbed on to the bed, Jay followed, ignoring the protest of his still healing rib. She made him lie down, slowing down the pace and taking her sweet time to kiss every possible inch of him, peeling off his boxers as she went, sometimes her lips just whispering along his skin, barely touching him. It made him slowly lose his mind and fall further into an abyss of pleasure.  
When Rianne finally guided him inside of her, straddling him like she had done the first time they had done this, but the atmosphere between them totally different, he felt his brain shutting down instantly.

* * *

When Jay made her come with that agonizingly slow love making and their fervent kisses of consuming adoration got her to explode around him just a minute before he himself went over the edge of that ecstatic bliss, Rianne noticed she was crying scalding tears. Feeling completely overwhelmed, emotionally and physically exhausted, she got off of him and rolled herself into a tiny ball in the bed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jay breathed alarmed, wrapping his arm around her tightly.

"I don't really know…" she sniffled, trying to pull herself together, not wanting to be the reason for the guilt and worry in his voice.

"It was just too much of everything for a moment," breathing deeply she turned around in his embrace and pressed her face to Jay's hot chest for a moment.

He just squeezed her back and kissed her hair, unable to say something.

"Are you okay though?" Rianne softly touched his side and his upper arm, bringing her face up to be able to watch his again.

"I'm all good now," he softly smiled into her eyes.

Then his gaze fixated on the shiny golden chain dangling from her neck. Catching the pendant between his fingers he visibly swallowed before he said:

"Thank you!"

Even if he didn't specify for what exactly she let it go and simply stated:

"You're a good man Jay Halstead, so, you're very welcome…"

* * *

When they woke up the next morning, facing each other respectively, Rianne found she couldn't utter a single word to him.  
She just kept looking back at Jay's face, still in some kind of a haze from their intense sexual reunion. When she traced the pillow-lines on his cheeks with her thumb, glad his face was almost all healed up by now, he bent down and covered her mouth with his lips for yet another sensational time. She really liked the way he kissed her. It was so firm and manly and yet always had a soft edge to it.  
Although **that** kiss was practically one of the tenderest good-morning kisses they had ever shared. Nothing like the hungry, breathless ones full of desire that night or all the nights before.

She wanted it to never end! Actually she never wanted to leave this bed again, nor did she want Jay to leave. In a far away corner of her mind she noticed that she was also still afraid to feel that way. But she decided to just let it go and feel instead of think for now.  
Jay must've felt the same, cause he didn't ruin the sphere between them by talking too much and made all the right suggestions:

"I could use some help in the shower and then let's go on a coffee run before that doctor's appointment."

* * *

They kept attached at the hip for the rest of the morning.

Rianne drove them to her favorite coffee place and while they stood in line for triple espresso vanilla lattes and what-not ("To mark the occasion!" she said), Jay kept his good arm around her possessively so that Rianne was almost crammed into his side and had nowhere to go.  
He loved the way she fit his height so well. When she leaned back into him he could easily rest his chin on her head and nuzzle her hair, in love with the way it smelled of coconut or lavender, or whatever she had chosen to be her flavor of the day.  
His hand fiddled with that new golden necklace and caressed her collarbone while the barista took their orders. Jay registered how other men looked at Rianne, while she was totally unaware. He had noticed that even before they had been together. Now it felt even better to know that she was with him and everybody could see it. It was hard to not be a little frightened by how much he enjoyed being with her like this and how slowly some of the complicated knots he had created in his head were resolving on their own. This morning waking up next to her he had been feeling more energetic than in the last days. Things were slowly starting to look up.

After he had had his first appointment with the physiotherapist at Med that would hopefully get him back into shape real soon he had his vitals and wounds checked by Dr. Marcel. Even if he was a bit sore from last night he hadn't ripped any stitches and was good to go. So it had been worth any pain he might have been feeling throughout. Jay was even happier when he was told he didn't have to come back before Monday the following week.

Next Rianne and him were headed for Illinois Beach State Park. She had decided they both could use some fresh air and as Lake Michigan was the closest thing they had to an ocean, which she believed to have healing powers, they headed out of the city.  
Also Rianne had claimed this was the last opportunity to take her van out for a drive, before he had to go into 'hibernation'.  
The Chicago winters really didn't do any good to such vintage cars, so she had it garaged from the end of October until April every year.

With the windows rolled down a bit, catching the last rays of warming sunshine on this beautiful autumnal day, a gentle breeze flowing in, it almost came close to feeling like being on a vacation. Although he had felt out of place at first, because he liked faster and more modern cars, Jay had begun to like the advantages of this ride. Everything just flowed automatically slower and for once in his life he had nothing but time. Time to get better, time to get himself back on track in any possible way.

The radio humored them with some good-mood songs that Rianne wasn't ashamed to perform out loud with all of her heart, making Jay laugh out loud with all of his, causing her to laugh and sing even more, because she told him she thought he had the goofiest laugh she'd ever heard.  
Turned out she was really into Springsteen and the 80's, knowing all the lyrics by heart. Jay wasn't the one to sing along to songs, but he enjoyed listening to her, telling each other which songs reminded them of important milestones in their life.

There was a light atmosphere in that van throughout the simple drive out of the city. He was still alive. It seemed that this fact was just slowly reaching all the parts of Jay's brain and warming him up inside.

* * *

They parked the van on a little lot above the main beach of the Southern unit of those almost 6 miles of Lake Michigan shoreline.  
Jay couldn't even remember when he'd been at any kind of beach just for fun not to solve crime lately. It was beautiful, a fresh breeze blowing Rianne's scarf and hair around when they went down to set foot onto the light beige sand. The waves rolling onto the shore were no real ocean waves, but nevertheless there were some ensuring that soothing sound. Now in the off-season there were only few people here, taking their dogs for a walk, running along the shoreline, probably some tourists enjoying the view or young families taking their kids out on a Friday afternoon to take advantage of the mild temperatures. The sky was now full of clouds, slowly forming into another rain-front, but at times the sun pushed through again, drenching everything in a surreal glow.

Rianne had reached for his hand the minute they had left the car, something that was quickly becoming self-evident.  
They had been walking along the coastline for a while in silence when she stopped:

"Are you up for a little ocean therapy-game?"

He just raised his eyebrows at her in question, so she elaborated.

"We'll search for some big stones, we choose what they shall stand for, what we wanna leave behind. Like our biggest fears, regrets, mistakes, take your pick. Then we'll just throw them into the water, as far away as we can. You can do it in silence or you can tell me, either way: the other one just listens."

"O-Kay…" Jay wasn't really sure what would come of this, he feared he might even feel a bit stupid, but he wanted to humor Rianne and give it a try.

Assembling some heavy looking or at least big enough stones was the easier part, when it came to giving them some meaning was were it got tricky.

"I'll go first if you want…" Rianne picked up a crumply black one from their pile.

Jay found he was eager to hear what she would say.

"A moment I would wanna go back to, but can't: I would wanna apologize to Andrea for the fight we were having the moment before our car crashed, for not trying to see things from his perspective more!" She took one last look at the stone, then threw it in the water with all her might.

"What were you fighting about?" Jay dared to ask, looking at her guardedly and hoping that wasn't against the "rules".

"The usual I think. The last few months we had been fighting a lot more. Andrea had an Italian temper, he quickly got upset with things and he somehow found it difficult to deal with me being the one bringing in all the money. Suddenly it was a problem that my parents are rich and were sending us presents for the baby… So that day we were fighting about all this again: About him being irresponsible, getting high on weed instead of looking for a steady job. I felt like we weren't communicating anymore. Usually we didn't have to explain ourselves so much. I was beginning to think that maybe we had this teenage and twenty-something love that just didn't survive our thirties and all the grown-up-stuff that comes with it. But I guess I will never know if we had overcome all this and had a happy life together after all, a real family…Maybe he was already in trouble and if I had gone at this a different way I could have helped him?"

"I know all about regretting last moments, last conversations…"

So Jay told her all about his dad. How they had fought about selling the house he was living in because he couldn't take care of it and he and Will had moved him into that fateful apartment complex. How Pat had accused Jay of just wanting his money, which was ridiculous cause there wasn't any money to want. How Jay had finally lost it as he had so many times before with his father and called him a " stubborn old prick" a thankless one as well. It still followed him around that this was the last thing his dad ever heard from him, before he coded and couldn't be revived. He had only been 64. How Jay had found out that after all this time believing he was a failure in his dad's eyes and couldn't do anything right, that Will was the favorite son, his father had kept every article, every photo of Jay's successful career. Yet he had never told him that he was secretly proud of him.

It was not a joyful topic, but it felt nice sharing this with one another, so the second stone went into the lake and one by one the others followed.

"My biggest regret: Not stopping for a minute to think when we handled the Marcus West case. I feel like everything could have gone differently then and I wouldn't have to deal with all these consequences now."

Rianne just listened to a whole bunch of things he found he wanted to leave behind, like she had said. No judgment, she was neither correcting nor patronizing him. She respected his perception, whatever he was feeling, no matter if it was right or wrong in her eyes. He knew he couldn't go back and change things, but it felt good to say out loud what he wished he could change. Finally there was only one stone left that they had gathered and Rianne took it.

"My biggest fear currently: Going with you all the way, no safety net, no insurance, just falling deeper and deeper in love with you and then losing it all over again, whatever the reason for that."

"I second that," Jay croaked and reached for her hand.

Falling deeper in love meant she was having more than a major crush on him, didn't it? One had to be in love already to be falling deeper and deeper.

"You wanna throw it then?" she asked.

"No, you do it!" he told her instinctively, feeling she needed to let this go more than he did.

No matter the costs, he knew he had already cut all ties to a safety net and banned all thoughts of an insurance, because he was just crazy in love with her. And as recent experiences showed: Life only lasted so long, so poetically put: Better to have loved and lost than not loved at all!

Hesitating for a second, weighing the weight of the stone in her hand, she let go of his and looked at him apologizing:

"I feel I need to take a run-up for this!"

"Okay, knock yourself out!"

"Can you hold it for a second?"

She was really doing this. Giving the stone to him she started to take off her woolen scarf and long jacket, socks and boots, then exchanged stone for her clothes with him and ran up the beach, until she had reached the border of the dunes.  
This was kind of crazy. After all it was just a symbol, just a little 'therapy-game' or whatever she had called it, but she was taking it so seriously, it was adorable and touching.

"You go girl!" Jay found himself cheering her on.

Laughing and whooping all the way down to the waterfront she threw that stone. It went wide and landed in the lake with a giant splash. She raised her arms in the air, her feet in the water now too, turning around and beaming at him with sparkling eyes. Rianne ran back towards him, offering him her hand for a high-five which he of course didn't pass on:

"I did it!"

"I fucking love you, you know?" Jay couldn't stop himself this time, catching her in his arm and pressing a kiss to her lips, before she could protest.

His heart was beating fast when he ended the kiss and took in her reaction.

"Oh yeah, I love you too!" She looked at him surprised, as if he had just said something that was completely redundant and already discussed.

"What? Just like that?" Jay thought he must have heard her wrong, letting go of her in a bit of a shock.

Here he had been somehow afraid to ruin everything by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and now she was acting like it was no big deal.

"'Just like that' my ass! I already told you I had a complete crush on you!" Rianne was putting her shoes and jacket back on as if they weren't just discussing something major.

"Yeah right, you said you had a crush on me, but you didn't say that you love me. There's a difference."

Some things weren't just the same, at least to him they weren't, so he had to be nit-picker about it.

"What are we, seventh grade? Crush, love… it swings and roundabouts."

Could it be possible that she could only do this from a distance? Admit that she loved him, like really loved him? Now she was even beginning to walk away from him, continuing their stroll on the beach.

"I'm afraid I need you to hear you say it," he called after her, maybe pushing his luck.

"Right fine, I love you." Rianne turned around to him, still walking backwards and throwing her hands in the air like 'whatever!'

He heard thunder rolling in the distance and first rain drops starting to fall gently on his face. Great timing…

"Come again?" Jay started walking, acting as if he didn't hear her the first time.

"I - LOVE - YOU!"

Hands acting as a megaphone she hollered those three words that were prone to make his day, his week, hell maybe even his month, across the beach, making some people who were walking by turn their heads. They were on their way again soon after, not knowing that this moment was adding more glue to the cracks and dents of his heart and soul.

"That's more like it," he laughed and caught up to where she was scowling at him in mock annoyance, but soon began to smile and took his hand again.

Just like that, as if they hadn't just taken a pretty big step in their relationship.

"Maybe we should talk about how **you** didn't say it before!" Rianne eyed him sternly, pinching his upper leg hard, making him jump up a little.

"What the fuck? That's not even true! I remember wanting to say it much sooner but someone shut me up!"

Those dark clouds that had been on the horizon all afternoon were right above them now, the rain getting heavier by the minute.

"I don't know what you're talking about," snorting with laughter and letting go of his hand she wanted to start running towards where they had parked the car, the thunder now rolling in pretty loudly.

But Jay didn't let her and held on to her waist, pinching her just as hard as she just had done to him, making her yelp.

Jay silenced that sound by kissing her once more and whispered near her ear, a prankful smile in his voice:

"You really can't lie for shit Missie!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, maybe I was getting a little emotionally overboard on this one, but I just felt like it and hope you guys can run with it as well. THANKS a ton for reading on!


	28. Fireproof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Fireproof" by The National

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Squealing and laughing they ran back to the car, soaked through to their underwear because that rain was coming down on them pretty hard all of a sudden.  
Rianne quickly opened the sliding doors of the van and closed them behind her and Jay with a loud bang.

"I love a good thunderstorm," she exclaimed excitedly when there was another loud echo outside, followed by a flash of lightning.

"Yeah, me too, but watching safely from the inside," Jay had to catch his breath from their sprint back to the car, looking not so thrilled as she was about this weather-spectacle.

Rianne laughed at him. There he was chasing criminals and what-not everyday and seemed intimidated by a simple thunderstorm.  
Benefitting from all the advantages of the van, she fished some towels and spare clothes out of one of the cupboards and handed Jay a longsleeve that looked vaguely familiar. He raised one of his eyebrows at her, making her wonder as usual how he did that:

"Isn't this the one you borrowed a while ago when you went 'yoga-boarding'?"

"Yeah… I kinda held on to it… you know, habit… so thankfully now you got something dry to wear. Wouldn't want you to get a cold in addition to your ruined shoulder," she defended herself.

"Don't you dare say it's ruined! It's already as good as new," Jay complained.

To show her how well he was doing on his own he got off the sling and took off his wet shirt, revealing that still very well in shape body of his. Rianne had to give it to him that he indeed had been able to do a whole lot to her yesterday night, injured or not. Thinking back to those passionate hours she was still getting a little flustered. She wouldn't have thought it possible to master even another new level of intimacy with him.  
She tried not to laugh but Jay was moving around funnily because he couldn't get out of the shirt as he usually would and the space in the camper was confined. His arm and shoulder were still a little stiff and probably hurt a lot when he bend them too much. Getting into the new shirt was even trickier. At one point she couldn't bear it anymore and inserted herself:

"Man, I can't watch this. Please, let me help you with that!"

Rianne almost suspected he would protest and be all stubborn. But maybe he liked being cared for or it was really too painful to do it by himself. Jay let her roll up the sleeves and put them onto his injured arm carefully, then tuck his head and his other arm in. While doing that she kept thinking back to what his wound looked like under the bandage that was covering it up, her heart beating faster. She needed to let that go too, just like her other fears.  
When she was done Rianne held on to his hands, intertwining their fingers and looking down at their combined limbs.

"I could have done that myself eventually, you know?" Jay said in a low voice and she could hear that he was smiling.

"Yeah, I know. Just wanted to be of service…because, you know: I love you," she looked up, mirroring his expression.

She noticed that having said it once made it less harder to say it twice or for the third and fourth time. She really **did** love him. This little spark from two months ago had turned into a full-blown fire by now and it was too late for Rianne to put out the flames on her own, so why bother?  
They were face to face now in the confined space of the van, rain crashing down onto the roof, water gushing down the windows. It was cozy and intimate.  
Rianne went up on her tiptoes to press her lips to his stubbly chin softly. They still had to take care of that hair issue, she thought.  
Jay let go of one of her hands and put his right one into her neck to hold her to him, leaning down to kiss her forehead, her closed eyes and then finally her lips. Her heart was beating uncontrollably as Jay deepened the kiss, making her legs turn to jelly, leaving her breathless afterwards. This was just unexplainable. She was wondering if they would ever get tired of doing this or if that electricity would slowly ebb away somehow? Right now it felt more like it was getting stronger every minute she spent with him. Like a tidal wave pulling her further and further away from the shore.

Sipping tea and feasting on some sandwiches she had prepared for them they waited out the bad weather and when the heavier rain stopped and it was just slightly dripping down, Rianne opened the back doors of the van. They laid down on the bed there and looked out across the beach and Lake Michigan. It was dusty, but the air mild. It smelled just wonderful after that heavy shower. Not like it would in the summer after a rainfall on hot streets, but earthy and fresh, cleansed.

"I think this was a worthy last trip for this baby here," Rianne fondly patted the van's metal on the inside walls, then continued to massage Jay's head and neck.

"Glad we did that too. I am really curious to see your winter car though." Without looking up he kept talking to her and reminded Rianne of her cat at the moment, stretching and bending his head to her touch with relish.

She loved when he was able to let himself relax with her.

"Probably it's more to your liking than this one, because it has slightly more horsepower and is not quite so 'ridiculously impractical' as you once put it."

She still remembered that conversation with him.

"So what is it?"

"A Ford Explorer Sport Trac from '09."

"Nice, I call dips on **not driving shotgun** in that one then!"

"Oh, so would driving shotgun continually be a deal-breaker for you?" Rianne didn't know about the quarrels he'd had with Erin about that in their earlier partnership.

"Not necessarily. But I like driving in general, and I like controlling the speed and just taking care of you I guess…"

"Okay… as long as you don't hog the wheel all the time when you're all healed up, it's fine by me. What would be a real deal-breaker for you between us then?"

"If you kept bolting on me. I already had that and I can't be chasing after you all the time."

Rianne nodded, understanding that she had more than once given him the impression that she was maybe capable of doing just that.  
There was something else he needed to add, opening his eyes now and looking at her beseechingly:

"And I need you not to try to hide something because you think I can't handle it. I am not that broken. I know there are some things that trigger me and stress me out, but I am dealing with it. So I need you to let me try and be there for you too and don't treat me like a child!"

Putting her hand over his she found herself trying to assure him that this was not at all what she thought of him:

"Jay I never saw you as a broken person, I never will. We all have our dark corners and stories we would rather not tell. I think ultimately it's what makes us human, unique and maybe even stronger. The fact that you can admit to your soft sides, your weaknesses and flaws, even your wrong-doings, makes you more of a man in my eyes than anyone I know…"

* * *

_"You got no right so say that you're sorry. You got no right to help me or Bobby. I don't need your pity or your money. You can't just hand out a few hundred dollars and pretend that this didn't happen. That you're cleansed of your sins... You deserve to die!"_

Jay jolted upright, he'd heard himself groan in his sleep and realized this was not real, yet it felt just as bad. He sat upright on the edge of the bed that wasn't his own, but felt already like it, because that one special person shared it with him at the moment. Rianne had made it her mission to try and keep off of him during the night because of his injuries, instead of covering him with her body like she normally used to do. He would surely have woken her up otherwise, but she was still sprawled out on her side, not moving just breathing softly.

Trying to get his bearings and hoping he didn't wake her up after all Jay got up. He needed some air.  
The shadow of that dream, of Angela's hateful expression when she'd pointed that gun at him, her pain and determination directed at him, when she had pulled that trigger, left him with the feeling of some serious oxygen withdrawal. Grabbing a shirt he went as silently as he could and climbed up the stairs to the roof deck.

Jay'd thought the fresh air and the wide open space above him would do him good, would somehow ease his spinning mind and take away something of this hot lump in his stomach, that was pressing down on him from the inside. It was causing this need to either break something or do something equally destructive. These were the moments that made him feel like he couldn't live with himself, that didn't fit in with that other version of him: the perception that he was an upright and apt person, a good person. Most people just got to see the 'together-version' of Jay Halstead, the one who protected others, the one who got things done, always sharp. But there was so much more to him.

He still felt a little short of breath and cold sweat forming on his forehead, so he tried to calm himself down by putting his head between his knees and his hand in his neck, sitting on the lounge-area up here that was still a little wet from earlier rainfall and certainly cold against his legs.  
Sometimes he feared that when he completely lost control over this head-carousel he wasn't really sane enough to determine what he was capable of. It was like a roller coaster ride that no one could pull the brakes on, sometimes it was just too late for that.

In his peripheral vision, he noticed the door to the roof swing open and closed, Rianne's figure scurrying out, pulling some jacket closed, hugging herself to shield her body against the cold night air.

"Jay? Jay! Are you alright, you scared me!" She must have noticed him leaving the bedroom after all.

When he didn't answer, because he was already on that downward ride, only those toxic thoughts in his head, she was at his side in a second, just kneeling on the lounge next to him, grabbing his face to make him look at her.

"Jay, what's happening?"

"I… I should have died!" he pressed out. "She was right!"

His stomach was in knots, his heart tightening in his chest, hurting like hell. He couldn't unclench his fingers anymore.

"Who was right Jay? What are you talking about?" Rianne was making big, confused eyes at him, still a little sleepy.

She had been right too, she had warned him about something like this. She had wanted to look out for him and he had pushed her away. Not so literally, but he had dismissed her concerns and done something stupid and dangerous anyway. How could she love him?  
It hurt him even more to look at her worried face right now, he had caused her so much pain. And still Jay found himself repeating to her what Angela hat said to him in that cellar, how she had looked at him with that disgust.

"I deserved to die! I mess with people's lives!"

With Camila it had somehow been the same. He had played her, made her fall in love with him, pretending to be a different person. She had said that he made her sick…  
Jay jumped up and paced the roof deck like a tiger in a cage. He wanted these thoughts to disappear, somewhere inside of him he knew they were doing nothing to change what had happened, what was already done, but they were implanted in his brain anyway. He was only short of hitting his head against the wall to make it stop.

Possibly anticipating that, Rianne was suddenly in his way, pushing against his body with all her might, making him sit back down on the lounge again. She was yelling at him outrageously to make sure her words reached him somehow:

"Sit your ass down here and calm the fuck down! Just stop it! Jay, listen to me: Don't ever, I mean: EVER say something like this! It's stupid, it's self-destructive and not true! And you can't do that to me!" For good measure she made sure to sit down on top of him, making it more difficult for him to get up.

Her fingers were boring themselves into the flesh of his upper arms, inflicting a slight pain that took the edge off a little bit. He felt the tears he hated so much prickling behind his eyes, when he got aware of her angry and yet scared and apprehensive features.

"You hear me?" When she was sure he wasn't fighting her to get up again, she eased her grip on him a bit.

"It just hurts so much Rianne! I only wanted to do right by her," Jay found himself falling, falling against her steadying and warm body, not budging, but catching him.

* * *

That he had said her name told her that he wasn't that far away anymore. Rianne found herself trying to soothe him:

"You will be okay again Jay! The pain you are feeling now, it will not always be like this! You have saved so many people doing what you're doing and doing it the way you do it. Sometimes I think you don't even take that into account. You're not the only one responsible for how people live their lives and how they find themselves in dangerous and difficult situations in the first place. Deep down you must know that!"

Somehow she had been waiting for some kind of episode like this to come, after all that he had been through. But now that it was happening it was almost more severe than she had been anticipating. The way Jay was clutching at her reminded her so much of that night she had spent with him at his place after Marcus' death. Jay was holding her so tight that it was hard to breath, it was physically hurting her, but the pain she felt inside for him was even bigger. She was aching, her heart was absolutely bleeding at seeing him like this:

"Baby, I am so sorry you have to go through this…" she caressed his shaking back and cradled his head against her shoulder.

It was so sad that after the lovely day they'd had this content was bubbling up inside of him now. Or maybe it wasn't even that surprising at all. Sometimes she too felt even sadder and that she didn't deserve happiness when something good happened. There was no controlling the demons of the night sometimes.

"I just can't believe I was so stupid, so naive. That I did not see this coming. That I thought this would turn out the right way. And I'm so sorry that I disappointed you," his lip trembled slightly as he said that out loud, looking up at her again, eyes troubled.

She really wished she could take this away from him, but she knew she couldn't. The one thing she could do was just be there and get him back inside, comfort him. So she got off of him and pulled him up with her:

"Come on! We're not done talking, but we're freezing to death up here!"

Jay thankfully followed her and let himself be handled onto the sofa, trembling under some woolen blankets, just now feeling cold, while Rianne got them something to drink. She felt like they needed something to take the edge off, at least she did.  
So she handed Jay one of the scotch glasses she had filled and slipped under the blankets with him to warm herself up as well. All of her limbs felt like ice from being out in the night air for too long and he did feel like an ice-berg against the naked parts of her skin. Rianne took a sip, scrunching up her face at the bitter taste, but grateful for the fire spreading out from the strong liquor on her insides. Jay did as well, handling it better than her though. Turning into him she carefully weighed her words then:

"You didn't disappoint me, I just felt that you acted like you're alone in this, like there aren't other people to consider that are affected by your actions. And I'm not only talking about me here: There's your brother, your unit, your friends… everyone would be devastated if something happens to you, because believe it or not: You're rather popular."

Jay scoffed beside her, but didn't protest.

"So, the way I see it being in a relationship means that you don't act like you're the only person in your life, so if you seem to forget about it again like you did with Angela and dismiss me and my opinion, don't give a fuck about it and go on that self-destructive path anyway, that's a huge dealbreaker for me."

"I get that you have a tendency to want to save people, maybe even save them from themselves sometimes. I'm not sure I will always agree with you on this, but to an extent I have to accept that this is just how you are. But I can't watch you offer yourself up playing the good samaritan or trying to smooth out the mistakes you made, if it does harm you more than that it helps. I need you to think a little bit more about yourself and the people that love you."

"Yeah, I really got that all wrong, didn't I?" It was the first time he commented on her insight, it was more of a compunctious mumble.

"You can keep hanging on to that or see it like this: In the end, you and her: You both got lucky! You're both alive! She can still be with her son, watch him grow up, maybe move to another city where she can change her and his narrative. And you can turn over a new page too. Maybe with a little help, maybe with time. Everybody's willing to be there if you need help doing it."

Rianne put their glasses down on the table next to them and snuggled closer to him. Jay was quiet for a while, maybe somewhere else with his thoughts already or taking into account what she had just said. She really hoped she got through to him somehow. Rianne was glad to feel that warming up against each other had finally worked and Jay's hand on her waist didn't feel like one of an icy ghost anymore. He edged his face closer to hers, his nose almost touching hers:

"I don't wanna use you as my therapist. Because you're not, but I find myself just putting things on you I don't wanna be putting on anyone."

"So what? I'm sure I am not the only one in your orbit who is happy to take some of the load you're carrying. But you're right: I am not your therapist because if I was I would charge you a fortune to sit here with you at three a.m., drinking, instead of doing it for free, because I'm in love with all of you. And I wouldn't be allowed to do this…"

Trying to caress some of his still lingering pain away she pressed her lips to his softly, holding his face in her hands.

"How can you love that broken side of me?" Jay looked at her incredulously.

"Do you love my broken sides?" she counter-questioned him.

"Yeah!"

"So there's your answer!" She kissed him again, this time running her tongue along the edge of his lips, glad he too engaged in the kiss:

"Feel a bit better?"

Jay nodded and pulled her on top of him, pressing her to his heart and running his fingers through her hair. For a while they were just breathing along together in a steady rhythm.

"Anything else I can do?" Rianne asked, hoping he wouldn't just dismiss her and pretend to be just fine now.

"Would you play that song again for me?" Jay said after giving it some thought.

"What song exactly?"

"I don't know, you were listening to some new folk album some days ago, and then began to play some of these songs yourself, kinda in your own acoustic versions…."

"Oh, yeah, I know what you mean… I was trying to play some Wildwood Kin songs…"

"Something about brokenness?"

"You sure you want me to play this to you now?"

"Positive!"

So she did as he asked, grabbed her guitar in the middle of this night and just played, while he lay there listening. That song Jay had requested spoke of coming to terms with making mistakes, that people were shaped by them and they belonged to them, that every broken piece of a person made that person unique and beautiful in a way. Rianne hoped with all of her heart that he would be able to see it like that one day.

* * *

Rianne had been irritable and trying to pick a fight with him all morning.  
From their morning coffee over the ride to his physio-appointment, to going grocery shopping together (Jay couldn't believe the amount of normalcy that had settled in his life for the past week).  
There was always something wrong with people that crossed their paths, or him, because he wasn't picking up the pace, not being talkative enough or whatever. At some point Jay had enough and pulled her up on his lap once they were back at the loft again and Rianne was already running around complaining again how it was possible to spill coffee all over the kitchen and that the coffee was tasting much too weak anyway.

"Come on, cut the crap babe! What's going on? You've been really bitchy all morning and the day has just gotten started. I can go back to my place, leave you alone again if that's what's bothering you so much …" He guessed this was not what this was really about, because it couldn't be possible that they had that much of a different perception of their time together.

It had been six days now since he'd been released. After his emotional breakdown Friday night they had gone back to spending their time in some sort of loved-up bubble.

Jay had really enjoyed that time with her, it just sucked to not be able to do everything he wanted to do and that his body still had some work to do. But he was slowly getting better every day. Jay just loved watching Rianne go about 'her everyday' and be a part of it. Of course this was not quite her usual daily routine, because she wasn't working at the moment, but anyway. Rianne spent a lot of her time with him on the couch, reading and sometimes even knitting when he was dozing off to some sports channel or a movie they had picked. They had started to watch "New Girl" from the start, because she just liked it so much and he had become quite addicted to this too. They laughed a lot about some of the quirks and originalities they learned about each other (for example Rianne's tendency to hum to herself whenever she was concentrating really hard and the fact she was pretty clumsy). Jay had had the chance to hear her talk on the phone to her dad in Spanish and to her mum in Dutch, sounding totally different from the way he knew her talk to him or other people in their circle of friends or colleagues. He loved listening in when she played the guitar and had pretended to be asleep several times in her room just to hear that soft and melodious, moony sounds when she thought no one was listening as she sat on the upstairs gallery. She always left him little notes when she'd gotten up early to do her yoga up on the rooftop in the morning. That was if he let her get up or slept in. Jay generally loved how she just breathed, how she sat and lay there and forgot the world around her when she was engulfed in something. Another treat: she cooked up a storm every day! He soon had to start working out again or he was bound to gain a few pounds, he just couldn't resist.

"No! I don't want that. I'm… I guess I am just frustrated that I have to get back to work tomorrow and frustrated that I am frustrated. I don't know that feeling, but I would rather stay here with you…" she pulled at some of his short hairs, that she had cut for him yesterday, pouting a little.

Another thing to love: If he confronted her directly she more and more coughed up to her true feelings and motives. He liked getting to see that soft side and was getting better at reading her well.

"Okay, but you don't have to worry about me. I am perfectly fine. I'm going back to work myself this week, at least to desk duty, soon as I had that meeting with the police shrink on Thursday. My physiotherapist is hopeful that I won't even have to wear that stupid sling for much longer."

"I know… and I'm happy for you. It's just… this has been great and I don't want it to stop. I liked our little lazy bubble and it being just us two."

"Yeah, me too. A lot!"

"And I'm afraid that once our everyday-drama sets in it'll change."

"But babe, **this** \- you and me - will not just change." Jay tugged at her arms to make her hug him:

"I won't let anything mess with this. So you trying to pick a fight with me: Not worth the energy! I'm not biting, so stop and let's enjoy your last day of work-freedom!" He kissed behind her ear and heard her sigh deeply.

It was true: This time together had been really important for them to form a stronger bond, a bond that would in his opinion help to shield them from anything that would be thrown their way in the future.

"You wanna maybe go to Molly's tonight? Ease into the whole: Interacting with other people thing?"

In the end it didn't take that long to convince her that it would be good for them to make an outing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was indeed listening to the album of Wildwood Kin and stumbled across that song "Beauty in your brokenness" when I was writing about Jay's episode. I can just recommend to give it a go, it's really quite fitting and just so beautiful to listen to right now in this season (at least I for my part love me some melancholic autumn soundtrack). So in the next chapter we'll be seeing the whole Chicago Gang again at Molly's - I am looking forward to it, hope you do too!


	29. Picture You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Picture You" by Mumford And Sons

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"What time is it guys?"

"Just five minutes past the last time you asked…"

Stella had been going on Kelly's and Matt's nerve since they had walked into Molly's after their shift. No, ever since Rianne had given her a heads up, that her and Jay would make an appearance tonight. Now she was anxiously waiting for those two to arrive here together. She wanted to see it with her own eyes and catch the vibe of the development she was so happy about.  
Now it was already a quarter to nine and still they hadn't shown, the bar getting busier by the minute, even if it was a Tuesday night. Stella hoped they wouldn't chicken out.

"Just act normal!" She advised her male co-workers and roommates / boyfriend, who looked at each other confused.

"Why wouldn't we act normal?" Matt said and continued nursing his beer.

"Dude, didn't you get the memo? I probably did get it five times already…" Kelly slapped him on the arm and knew that being sarcastic would probably get himself into trouble with his girlfriend, but he just couldn't help it.

This was ridiculous!

"What memo?"

"To act normal and not freak out and cause a scene because Halstead's back from the dead and rumor has it that Rianne and him now are officially in a **relationship!** "

"Oh yeah, that memo!" Matt played along, getting up to the newest addition to Molly's: A vintage jukebox.

"You two are insufferable!" Stella pouted and started cleaning up some glasses to distract herself.

When after five minutes she turned around from storing them away on the shelf there was some commotion at the entrance of the bar. She could hear scattered cheers and louder excited voices through the overall buzz of the bar.

"Here they are!" she squealed excitedly.

"Stella? Remember: Act normal!" Kelly pointed his finger at her sternly, before he cracked up laughing at the annoyed face she made at him, before turning her attention back to the entrance.

Stella could tell by Rianne's outfit that her friend had been nervous about tonight. Trying to brace herself by wearing her hair in a way-up-high bun, leopard headband and aztec-print platform wedges thrown in the pattern-mix, rust colored linen loon pants and a short white rib-knit long-sleeve made for some statement outfit. Stella shook her head smiling. In contrast Jay was dressed far more understated and casual like he always was. Dark blue well-fit jeans, grey-blue rib-pat sweater, leather jacket, heavy boots. But he didn't pale one bit next to the appearance of Rianne. He could "pull her off" by just wearing himself in that confident, upright way. Just like Stella had predicted a few weeks ago: Equals in a unique and uncommon way.

Jay was looking far more together, healthier and overall better than when Stella had last seen him at Med.   
His skin was fresher, not that ashen anymore, sporting some casual scruff on his cheeks, his eyes well rested and giving off a certain spark, when he interacted with his people from Intelligence who had sauntered in his direction the minute they had noticed him. Yet for those who knew him and took a closer look there was a mixture of anxiousness and anticipation on his face when him and Rianne made their way further into Molly's. Stella thought it kind of cute that he too seemed to be a bit nervous about this like Rianne was. He managed to hide it better though, always keeping a protective arm around her, not ever breaking the physical contact as they slowly pushed through the crowd of hello's and hugs and inquisitions about his well-being. When Rianne and Jay had finally made their way up to the bar, her friend met Stella's stare with a sheepish smile, so unlike her. Her eyes and skin were glowing, body turned into Jay's side. Stella immediately ran up and engulfed her friend in a tight hug, doing the same with Jay, which was actually a rare, if not a first occasion. Kelly and Matt joined into the affectionate party and it was really difficult to get a word in alone with those two "celebrities" because contrary to Stella's instructions everyone wanted to spend some time with them pronto.

She was glad when at one point Rianne came around the bar, to join her on the "other side" and be able to dish some dirt without too many prying ears, help her get some orders ready in the process. It felt like she hadn't seen her in weeks, although it had only been a week.

"So, how's that sweet detective of yours really doing? You two like dropped off the face of the earth for almost a week…" Stella had texted Rianne a few times but the answers had been shorter than usual and she hadn't called her back, same went for everyone else.

So finally she had backed off, not wanting to intrude on their probably much needed time to themselves.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I never wanted to be that girl, but… there were some things we had to figure out, got caught up in the moment I guess…"

"Hey, it's fine girl! Don't worry I get it!"

"I feel like I've been a bad friend though. How's Kelly after that arsonist thing?" Typical Rianne to direct the attention away from herself first opportunity she got.

"He's fine, you know him! And he even turned down an offer from Seager to go work with her again, so... we're really good, water under the bridge! So give me something on you now: how's Jay doing, how are you doing, is he gonna be okay? He certainly looks better and so do you!"

"We're... fine… more than that if I'm honest," Rianne paused a moment to look over at Jay who had somehow been pulled away from the bar, hogged by the people in his unit right now, probably already talking crime investigations. He must have sensed Rianne watching him, because he turned his head in her direction a second later, smiled and winked at her in a way that even got Stella a little flustered.

"He… I hope he is getting there with time…" Rianne added sighing and grabbed herself that beer Stella had placed in front of her.

"Yeah, welcome to the club of women who love men that do stupid things to safe other people all day…" She looked at her own sample of such a man.

Kelly was laughing uproariously with Cruz paying half attention to the game playing on the tv screen, head thrown back, that straight line of white teeth with the gap between his incisors she was loving so much, on display. Yeah, the love for those men putting their life on the line every day could be all consuming.

Stella noticed that Rianne wasn't fighting her on the expression of love anymore, just kept looking back at Jay's figure in the crowd with a soft and vulnerable expression on her face that almost got Stella to tear up just watching her. Her girl was in deep. Whatever had gone down between her and Jay in the time they had spent wrapped up alone in each other's presence without any distractions, had clearly changed a lot.

"I'm really proud of you hon! You look radiant by the way," she heard Matt tell Rianne, snapping her out of that dreamy haze.

Stella's captain looked at their friend meaningfully and got himself a long, warm hug as sort of an answer and maybe even a "thank you" for knocking that girl on her ass in the hospital.  
Kim Burgess came over to the side of the bar as well, ordering some more drinks for Intelligence and also hugging Rianne, a happy smile on her gorgeous face:

"So this is official now, you and Jay? That's great news!"

"Thank you, it really is! But how are you, did you make a… decision?" Rianne kept her voice down when she asked the last part.

Kim looked a little nervous and Stella tried to avoid her gaze and keep herself busy at the bar as to not give away that she had heard too.

"Yeah, I did. But let's not talk about this here, maybe meet up for lunch next week?"

Stella thought she really had to get Rianne to herself to get all the newest gossip she obviously didn't know anything about yet.  
Adam was suddenly beside Kim to help her get the order over to their table and grabbed Rianne in the process to do some shots with Intelligence too. Yeah, that talk would probably have to wait, Stella sighed.

* * *

When Rianne, Adam and Kim came over with that new round, Vanessa and Hailey cheered, grabbing themselves some glasses. Jay only reached for a beer because he didn't want to overdo it by mixing the pain meds he was still taking a low dosage of with high-proof alcohol. Kim had surprisingly brought some ginger ale for herself, which earned her boos from her female colleagues. Only Ruzek seemed to not be surprised by Kim's sobriety, and Rianne just didn't say anything about it. It was a bit weird, Jay felt some tension there. Uttering she still had that stomach bug and at least someone had to make sure they all got home safely at a reasonable hour for a week-night, Kim was let off the hook. Rojas complained that while working with Intelligence it didn't matter what night it was. There were times when they couldn't even tell what day of the week it was, because cases didn't care about shift ends, weekends, holidays and neither did their sergeant.

Voight was missing tonight, which didn't surprise Jay. He wasn't that much of a regular at Molly's. His boss had called Jay today though, asking how he was feeling and if coming back wasn't too early. But Jay was confident that he would go crazy staying home for another week, especially when Rianne went back to working normal hours. Being all alone with only so much he could do, wasn't really his thing.

The others had assured him Kevin would make an appearance later on, because he had to take care of something. Jay knew with his team-members this could mean everything and nothing at the same time. He was just happy that he got to see them in this casual atmosphere before he went back to the station this week.  
They were bombarding him with infos about cases, probably sensing that Jay wasn't that comfortable with talking about himself and what had happened, more than necessary. It was good to be back with his crew and hear about the latest adventures on the streets, he had missed this and the excitement that went with it. Being with them now he felt the urge of wanting to be included into that again growing stronger.

Rianne was relatively quiet tonight. He knew this was kind of a big thing for her. Their first time out together as a couple, admittedly in love, stronger, bonded, out in the open…  
Jay loved how she kept close to him, as if to make sure she wasn't alone in this and that their bubble wouldn't burst completely, just because they were around other people. She would ease into it eventually.  
Conveniently everybody already knew her one way or the other. There was no need for the sometimes awkward introductions one normally had to go through when bringing a new girlfriend to your usual hang-out spot. Even when nervous, Jay felt that she was his rock beside him tonight. Her presence so comforting that he felt he was able to endure all the questions and well-intended encouragements directed at him without slipping into that guilt-spiral and brooding again. She was part of his armor, carrying his dark thoughts, secrets and insecurities inside her and wouldn't let anyone touch them.

At some point Mouch and Trudy joined them too. Platt surprised Jay by giving him the warmest and longest hug he had ever received from her:

"I'm so glad you're okay, hon! Don't ever do that to me again, I'm not getting any younger! And it's good to see that pretty face didn't suffer any permanent damage!" The older woman accessed his features thoroughly by holding his chin in her hand before sitting down at their table, closing herself off again.

Jay didn't know what to say other than stare at their grumpy desk sergeant in awe and having trouble believing the words she had just said. Adam laughed hard:

"Yeah, Jay honey, you heard her right. That's what almost getting yourself killed gets you!" He slapped him on the shoulder in good humor.

"She just called me hon," Jay grinned at Rianne next to him, her own eyes sparkling with mirth too at the unusual scene with Platt just now.

"And she said you had a pretty face, don't forget that!" she said to him softly and ran her fingers through his hair, laughing into his eyes.

Forgetting that they were in the company of so many others he quietly whispered: "If I remember correctly you said that about me too a while ago!"

"Did I now?" she raised her eyebrows in mock surprise.

Instead of reminding her of the occasion, Jay pulled her in for a kiss that was chaste enough for the public, but long enough to get Adam to cat-call at them.  
Rianne immediately bombarded him with some peanuts from their bowl of bar-nuts, calling him out:

"Why is everybody acting so childish about this?"

Jay truly didn't care. He had nothing to hide on that front.

* * *

Trying to catch a break, Hailey had gone to freshen up in the bathroom.  
Splashing some cold water on her face and washing her hands for longer than necessary she tried to reign in everything inside of her. Somehow that scene in the bar-room just now had been too much for her, it had felt like a sharp stab to her stomach.

For the last week and longer she had been missing Jay at work. Usually he was just always there. Even if they weren't partnered up: he was there, for her, for the unit, just there. Working with him side by side, anticipating his thoughts and needs had become so natural to her that she'd felt the void of him not being by her side, even more. Knowing she wasn't at least the one taking care of him and helping him recover had been a hard pill to swallow. Somehow, she wouldn't have thought it possible that it affected her that much. Normally she would have checked in with him more, but she had stayed away since he had been released, only texting and calling him sporadically.

When it had been leaked to Intelligence that Halstead was making an appearance at Molly's Hailey had been looking forward to going and catching up with him in person, just see for herself that he was getting better, that he would come back to work and to her soon. It had been stupid not to think about the fact that he probably wouldn't come alone, that he wouldn't be in HER company. In **her** company as in them being a couple sort of company. Hailey wondered if she had ever seen Jay kiss a woman in front of her before and couldn't think of any occasion. Well, having witnessed it now, it didn't feel so good.

Just when Hailey was about to leave and face the music again, the woman she had been thinking about walked in, heading straight for the lavatory, a sweet wave of orange blossom, vanilla and patchouli following her.

"Ruzek spilled beer all over my shirt," Rianne explained to hide her surprise, when she saw Hailey and began rubbing at her clothes with some wet towels.

Hailey urgently wanted to say something, but couldn't decide where to begin, but she also couldn't move and leave.

"Something on your mind?" Rianne had obviously noticed her intense staring and turned her head around, while drying off her hands.

She looked calm, but somehow guarded, as if she wasn't really expecting the start of a superficial and pleasant conversation right now. Their last encounter in the hospital had been kind of frosty. Hailey took a deep breath, weighing her words for a minute. In the end she just couldn't help herself:

"Taking care of Jay is not an easy task. You sure you're up for it?"

Instant regret filled her, it came out all wrong, more aggressive than it was meant to. But still, she felt this was a matter she needed to put out in the open, feel Rianne out. If there was any chance she could keep Jay out of harm's way, she would take it.

"I'm sorry, how is this of your concern?" Rianne's tone was soft, maybe with a little arrogant undertone, but the way she looked at Hailey was telling her head-on that she would accept her challenge.

Maybe she seemed a bit surprised though that Hailey didn't dance around the obvious issue between them.

"Listen, I don't want this to be all cliché: Partner / best friend and obviously girlfriend fighting about a man, pretending to know what's best for him. That being said: I've known Jay for some years now and the last thing he needs is to get his hopes up and begin to trust you and then you back out again."

Just like she did those first days at the hospital. Hailey didn't have to say it in these exact words. She had the feeling that Rianne knew what she was hinting at.

"I won't back out again, I'm all in. Where the hell is this coming from?"

"He's a good guy, he deserves all the best!"

"I **know** he's a good guy! I've been with and talked to him on some occasions, thank you very much! Again: Why are you pushing this so hard?"

"I told you, I just don't want to see him get hurt!" Hailey found herself raising her voice.

"How long have **you** been in love with him then?" Rianne seemed to be taken aback herself, when those words dropped out of her mouth without much hesitation.

Hailey felt herself flinching, silence trapping her in a staring match with Rianne, shocked that she dare say something like that. How long had she been in love with Jay? She probably couldn't even tell herself, when that had happened, **if** that even was what had happened. But she also couldn't deny it being true to some extent. Maybe she was in love with her partner.  
Rianne was the first to recover from the powerful echo of those words:

"Look, if you love him and you wanna be with him, then just go back in there right now and tell him! If you think that's what's best for him, for you, just do it! If you think you and him are a better match than him and me: Be my guest, I won't try and stop you…He's a grown man and I don't own him, so he's free to decide who he wants to be with… "

Hailey couldn't believe her ears. What exactly was Rianne saying here? And she was not finished:

"But I guess there's a good reason why you haven't made a move on him in all these years. I can't imagine that there hasn't been some kind of opportunity along the way. Jay chose to be with me although he knows I am not undamaged. He knows what he's getting into. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not in front of him! So if the reason why you two aren't together already is **still** a good reason, I would appreciate it, if you did your job as his partner and let me do mine as his girlfriend. I know he adores you, and he loves you for always having his back and I am grateful that he has someone like you fighting alongside him, I really am. So I won't make him choose between us. In fact I know that he possibly talks to you about things he can't talk to anyone else about and it's fine. I won't keep him from you in that way, because he needs you. But I think I can cover the rest on my own."

Hailey still didn't know what to say. She guessed the expression on her face was telling Rianne everything the other woman needed to know. Her features softened a little before she turned on her heel and left the room.

Hailey was almost filled with remorse because she had let her protective side get out of hand and came across rather aggressive and emotional. Rianne wasn't stupid, she had seen right through her, and she certainly wasn't weak. In fact she was incredibly strong and just sure enough of herself standing up to her like that. Hailey knew this was something what Jay needed. It was the reason why she had even told Jay to get his head on straight concerning Rianne in the beginning.  
In spite of knowing that, being a witness to that unfolding relationship and Jay almost dying had stirred up feelings she hadn't known she was harboring for him.  
Now Hailey feared she would lose him another way and was angry with herself that she hadn't been able to take a different path with him. Frustrated that despite all the blind trust and understanding they had there still was this barrier between them that had kept her from telling him how she felt about him, had kept her from just grabbing and kissing him. Maybe now she would never know what that felt like.  
They were always very careful with their words concerning their personal feelings towards each other, their eyes mostly just speaking of the connection they had. When it came to admitting something beyond that partnership, that friendship, they had always gotten tongue-tied, checking the other one out, careful not to destroy anything, careful to not get rejected.

Jay and Rianne on the other hand didn't have that barrier anymore, at least not in front of others. Hailey had begrudgingly seen that before and she had seen it again tonight. There was an invisible thread connecting them even when they weren't side by side, both always knowing where the other one was in a room full of people without having to check. Sharing all those little almost unrecognizable intimate gestures and inside jokes couples shared that had been together for far longer. When their eyes met those spoke of a secret only they knew about, a secret conveying a burning and raw passion they both seemed in awe of.

Hailey had to admit it was different from the looks she had shared with Jay up until now and though knowing this, it still hurt. Hailey guessed that she would have to wait and see how she would deal with her partner not being single anymore in the future.

* * *

Rianne had taken a beat in the back-room after that confrontation to not let anyone see how much it had really affected her. She was trying not to feel bad for having taken what Hailey maybe had wanted to have herself, but she hadn't known and it wasn't her responsibility. At the same time she had to nourish that self-assurance about how Jay felt about her. If him and Hailey were supposed to be a thing after all there was nothing she could do to stop it from happening anyway other than not let him down or make him doubt her.  
¿Que cojones...? Her mouth had always been braver than her heart. Of course she didn't really want Hailey to tell Jay that she loved him too. God knows what would happen then, but she couldn't have stopped herself if she tried.  
Rianne didn't even want to imagine how it would feel if Jay chose Hailey over her. Why was that woman acting like Rianne was a man-eating, unreliable hydra, when it could very well be that Jay would be the one to break her heart someday?  
Something like this had been the reason she had wanted to never leave that loft with Jay again. Things had just started to un-complicate themselves... Thanks a lot universe!

Walking back into the bar-room after harrumphing loudly to herself once, her eyes searched for Jay and didn't take long to find him. He had a special presence everywhere he went, not loud, not blatant. But one could never **not** notice Jay Halstead in a room.

He was talking to Kevin at the bar, who had surprised everyone by bringing a date to this casual get-together. Rianne was happy that at least some part of that sweet man's life was falling into place. She had heard through the grapevine that he had real troubles because his brother was in town again and involved into some crime Intelligence tried to solve.

Jay had sensed her approaching and turned to her with a soft smile on his lips, even before she had appeared in his visual field. It instantly calmed her down to no end.  
She quickly kissed him on that smile and went to stand between him and Kev, giving Kevin a hug, because she hadn't been able to say hello to him yet. There had just been so many people here tonight wanting to have a quick conversation, or an update on her and Jay.

Rianne leaned back then until her behind hit Jay's knees, which he quickly reacted to and sat more wide-legged on his bar-chair, so that she could perch on it as well. With one hand grabbing the bottle he was pushing over to her, the other one resting on his thigh, she relaxed her upper body into him. She let her head sink back on his shoulder and he kissed her ear and let his head rest on hers for a moment.

"You okay?" he quietly asked, Rianne loving the way his voice rumbled through her body due to their closeness.

"Yeah, fine!" she turned her head to rub her cheek along his for a minute.

It would be fine, everybody would just get used to them being together like she herself would get used to it and to sharing her life again.  
Stella leaned over the bar next to them so that Rianne and Jay could hear her over the music and hubbub:

"You guys are actually so beautiful and sweet together, it might make me wanna puke."

"Yeah, I think I'm with you on that girl!" Kevin clinked bottles with Stella and winked at them, then took a look around to where his stunning beauty had wandered off to.

"Thanks a lot guys," Jay laughed and pulled Rianne even closer against his chest, his fingers finding the place where her sweater didn't quite meet her pants, gently grasping at naked skin.

As usual his tenderness and constant need to touch her tugged at her heartstrings and filled her with warmth. She caressed his arm where he had rolled up his sleeves, gently pulling at some of the fine hairs there, chasing his veins popping out with the tip of her finger. Every single detail of this man was just cherish-able and ¡por el amor de Dios! she wasn't going to leave him any time soon.

* * *

Later when they called it a night and went to get to Rianne's car she felt like she saw a man standing on the street-corner opposite Molly's, looking a lot like Nate. But Jay'd pulled her into his side and distracted her by pressing a happy and exuberant kiss on her lips. When she turned around again there was no one there. She thought she must have been mistaken. Surly Nate would have contacted her if he was back, wouldn't he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record: I am not ANTI-Upstead or Anti-Upton, I really am not. Just for this fiction it would be unrealistic in my opinion if Hailey was totally on board with the new relationship Jay's getting into, as it will certainly change something in their dynamic as well! Hope you guys aren't offended I portrayed her like that. Still love her on the show though.


	30. Lost In The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Lost In The Light" by Bahamas

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Leaving Jay in the morning sucked! A lot!  
Rianne would have loved nothing more than to crawl back under the covers with him. Just to breathe in his warmth or kiss for hours on end. She felt she still hadn't done that nearly enough.  
While he got to sleep in, she had to get her ass into the office at 7.30 in the morning. Convalescence period was over!

Going somewhere on her own after a full week of intimate togetherness sucked even more. She totally had forgotten what that felt like and didn't recognize herself for a minute. It was like she physically missed him the moment she left the house.

Thankfully work didn't give her much time and space to be hung up on that and for the independent woman still living somewhere inside of her it was maybe even a pacification that she actually made it to the office and didn't turn on her heel to get back to him.  
After her long absence there was a ton of stuff to catch up on, paperwork piling up on her desk, colleagues checking in with her, appointments to be scheduled. Office gossip and news on her cases kept her busy. Thankfully she wasn't directly dragged out to an emergency call on her first day back.

Rianne did also learn that she could have been right about seeing Nate last night after all. When talking to Martha around noon her co-worker mentioned Nate at some point and that he had been to her office to come see her last week. There was a little confusion as to why Nate hadn't known about his roommates furlough. Usually they were renowned to know each others schedules by heart. Rianne had to come up with some half-ass lie about it, not wanting to let her colleague in on their domestic drama right now.

Inwardly she was fuming though. What the fuck?  
So he really was back from whatever hole he had crawled out of and hadn't told her, called her, came by the loft? Didn't he think they had some things to talk about? And had Adam known? She would surly sent him an inquisitive text on the matter.  
After having received that kind of intel Rianne closed the door to her office and sat down on her desk, upset and already fed up with this day. At least she had come back mid-week, so there were only two and a half days left before the weekend again and she wasn't on call yet.

It had been easier to block these issues from her mind for the last days. Just when she thought about them her phone rang.  
It was Jay, summoned by her thoughts as it seemed and eliciting a smile out of her:

"Hey, miss me already?" She answered, looking forward to at least hearing his voice that was music to her ears right now.

"Of course, always… But since at least one of us has to do some good for this city you may be forgiven for not being here now," he teased.

She was glad he sounded so upbeat although being home alone and probably itching to get back to work a.s.a.p.

"Thank you so much for your sympathy…" she found herself answering with dry sarcasm.

"You okay?"

"Yeah fine, just lots to do and to catch up on over here, so…" she fiddled with some pens on her desks, trying to get rid of the churning feeling in her stomach.

"Rianne…" he interrupted her, tone reprimanding.

How could he tell that something was wrong? He couldn't even see her face right now. She didn't have the energy to come up with a lie, although she didn't want to worry him. Jay would suss her out anyway. Sometimes it wasn't so convenient to date a smart cop:

"Okay little Psychic… I'm actually pretty upset, because I learned that Nate's back at work, actually has been for over a **week** and he didn't tell me and didn't bother to check in and… yeah, I'm pissed and I don't really wanna talk about it…"

"Will you talk to me about it tonight?"

"I might… "

"Fine, I'll reserve you a slot of my precious time. Until then: Don't let this drag you down too much! It's not worth it!"

"Yeah, I know… so why were you calling exactly?"

"I wanted to check if it would be okay if Will comes over here? He wanted to come take a look at me after shift and talk wedding stuff, we'll make some dinner…"

Will and Nat's wedding was approaching fast. In the fateful events of those last weeks she had almost forgotten about it altogether, though the invitation she had gotten months ago was pinned to her fridge and Jay had complained to her about his best-man-duties. There were only a little over three weeks left until the big event. Maybe she should start looking for an outfit?

The thought of Will and Jay at the loft making dinner and planning something as normal as a wedding, was somehow uplifting. Like this was turning into something permanent: them sharing at kitchen, a bath, a bedroom, space to invite friends and family to, checking in, calling each other during the day. Like two separate lives slowly melting into one.

"Yeah, of course. I am sorry for not saying something anyway. You can have over whomever you want… no strippers though…"

"What? No strippers?" Jay raised his voice in mock indignation.

"Can't discuss this now, my supervisor is approaching. Have fun with your brother, I'll see you later."

After that call she got to work even faster, wanting to end her day as soon as she possibly could and get back to Jay.  
In the end she decided against going to Nate's office to make a move herself, see if she would run into him. Work wasn't really the best place to hash things out on that front.

* * *

When Rianne got home eventually Will was still there and the two men attempted to cook something or heat something up, she wasn't sure which one it was.

"Hey Halstead bros! How was your day? What are you making?" she called out, dropping her bag and keys on the hallway sideboard, before heading to the kitchen island.

Everything brightened up inside of her when she took in the sight of Jay and Will perched on the counter, Jay holding out his hand when he saw her, to pull her into him immediately. Could it be possible to miss someone that much? She had only been away from him for a little over 7 hours? ¡Por dios! She really was a lost cause.

"Mac'n'Cheese!" he chuckled into her hair, when he kissed her and held her close before releasing her, so she could say hello to Will.

A second long Halstead embrace followed, Will grinning at her good-humoredly, apparently enjoying this little domestic get-together:

"Glad you're joining us, so that I can tell you in person: I am so glad you two figured out this thing between you! It actually saves us two plus-ones to the wedding. Don't come complaining to me though if Jay gives you any trouble! There's a no-return-policy on this one!" Will pointed at his brother who just rolled his eyes and put some dishes and cutlery on the big dining table.

Seemed they were at least eating those Mac'n'Cheese with style. It felt nice that Jay knew his way around her kitchen by now.

"You don't say!" Rianne winked back at Will.

"But what if I would want to bring a date to your wedding anyway? You already gave us both a plus one, didn't you? Just checking... as sort of a back up plan I mean…" Rianne went straight for the espresso machine, shooting a saucy sideways glance at Jay who was squinting at her:

"We're gonna talk about that wicked plan of yours later Jezebel!"

She blew him a kiss and got the moka pot going. She always needed a good coffein-fix in the evening.

"I wanted to ask you something by the way, about the wedding?" Will came to stand beside her at the range, not even bothering to participate in that plus-one discussion any longer.

The expression on his face was so similar to the one Jay was sporting when he wanted a favor, Rianne amusedly braced herself for whatever Will wanted to ask her, crossing her arms over her chest when she faced him:

"Oh, please don't make me be a part of the bridal train or something stupid like that?"

"What? You don't wanna be part of the bridal train? You don't mean that!" Will played offended, but his dark brown eyes sparkled with mirth.

"Believe me, she does…" Jay shot him an amused look out of big green eyes on his end and took a gulp of the water-bottle he was holding, before adding:

"She's weird like that…" He quickly ducked away from the mock swing Rianne took at his head, chuckling.

"I am not weird! I am just not into those kitschy traditions."

"Just kidding, actually that was not what I was going to ask… Would you do me a massive favor and practice something for the wedding with me? I wanted to sing Nat one or two songs… As sort of a wedding gift? Thought it would be nice to throw a female voice and maybe another guitar into the mix, so yours crossed my mind...I know it's kind of late notice, but I would really appreciate your help!"

Rianne thought about that for a minute. Since her silent falling-out with Nate she had just played on and off to herself or for Jay that one time. Maybe it would be nice to broaden her horizon concerning potential fellow musicians? She knew Will had a good voice and decent guitar skills because he once told her he had earned some money on the side to pay for his medical tuition by playing songs at Irish weddings. So this probably could be fun.

"You know it's just his way of making sure you're coming to the wedding, right? Because he knows you're way too conscientious to bail on him once you said yes..." Jay joked, but she detected some theme of his own wrapped up in this comment.

"Isn't this more your issue!?"

"Oh, snap!" Will smirked and Jay didn't say anything for a moment.

The look in his eyes told her enough though, 1:1 in copping each other today. He was afraid she would maybe find a reason to not go to the wedding with him.

"Would this be alright with you though? Me and Will making fools of ourselves on a stage?" Rianne took a sip from her by now brimming cup of coffee and studied Jay over the rim of it.

He looked taken aback that she would ask his permission on this. But somehow with their sometimes difficult brotherly dynamic she wanted to make sure he knew his opinion mattered to her and she didn't want him to feel left out.

"Babe you can do whatever you want. As long as **I** don't have to sing in front of hundreds of people it's all good. And I already knew Will wanted to ask you, so... no surprise there. It's all good, although maybe a little kitschy..." He took the casserole dish out of the oven and put it on the table, smirking to himself because of his rhetoric strike.

"Okay, I'll do it!" she said then, ignoring Jay's dig and got immediately swept off her feet by Will, as usual exuberant in his joy like a little child.

"Oh god thank you! You have no idea what that means. I would be so nervous doing this on my own given the circumstance that it's my own wedding this time for Christ's sake! I hope we don't make freakin' fools of ourselves though!"

"And I really hope you quit the swearing in church!" Jay reprimanded sarcastically, already taking his place at the table.

Over macaroni and cheese and some wine they continued their banter, talking possible songs, arrangements, changed topics to Jay's shrink meeting tomorrow, Rianne's work-day and some more until Will had to get going.

As long as her days ended like this Rianne thought she would take some irritations at work anytime.  
She thought it was quite interesting how the two Halstead brothers seemed so different and yet there was this family similarity they both were mostly oblivious of.  
Even though sometimes the old anger, hurt and disagreements between them flared up again, they secretly loved each other more than they would ever admit to.

* * *

Jay woke up because he was cold. When he opened his eyes he instantly knew why: The space beside him was empty.

From the temperature of the mattress he could tell it had been empty for quite some time. A slight jolt of adrenaline kicked in and he was out of the bed in a second. She would not walk out on him in her own home – would she?  
He entered the central area of the loft. Everything was quiet and dark apart from the lights of Chicago shining in through the floor-to-ceiling windows nobody had bothered to cover up, onto the slightly swinging hammock.  
Jay could make out a figure lying in there, arms hanging out, almost falling down to the floor any minute now, because she'd unconsciously moved too close to the edge. Límon had curled up on her, and was looking at Jay curiously, when he got near. Stretching all four of his legs out languidly on his mistress' body that 'ugly bugger' decided to make himself scarce. Jay imagined the cat throwing him a haughty side glance before parading off.

Rianne had fallen asleep reading. Her glasses were still halfway up her nose, a book in a heap of pages lying on the hardwood-floor, where it had slipped out of her hands. He'd almost had a heart-attack when he found out about those glasses last week, because they looked incredibly sexy-nerdy on her. Jay hadn't known that he was obviously harboring some naughty teacher fantasies.

His heart swelled at the sight of her wiped out like a little girl that had fallen asleep during homework. Unguarded. That special tenderness that threatened to overwhelm him more and more when he was looking at her since their reunion made him reach out his hand. He took her glasses off and put them aside. Then he positioned his arms around her like he would usually do. But when he tried to pick her up he quickly noticed that his shoulder wasn't up to that task just yet. The angle was not right and he cursed through his teeth, in a bit of pain and frustrated with himself and his still evident disability.

"What are you trying to do?" Rianne suddenly looked at him, wide-awake.

"I wanted to carry you back to bed, because I'm a selfish bastard that can't sleep on his own. But it seems I can't do that because of this stupid injury. And now I have to go back to bed alone and be cold all over again."

"There are such things as blankets cariño. Normally they keep you warm at night. Or you could put some clothes on..."

She assessed his half-naked state critically. How could she be sassy just moments after she woke up?

"Funny! Why'd you sleep here in the first place?"

"My insomnia kicked in, didn't want to trigger yours, so I went to get some reading done – obviously **failed** to let you sleep."

He knew she was only looking out for him and thought he needed the rest. After having been cleared by a police psychologist today, tomorrow he was going back to working with Intelligence. What she didn't get was that he really slept better with her beside him no matter if she was wide awake or not. It was eerie how quick one got used to not sleeping alone as well as not being alone in general.

"Yeah, you guessed correctly. Next time just wake me up, I'll think of something that will put you back to sleep just fine."

She splurted with laughter: "That sounds actually really creepy!"

"You know what I mean..."

"I'm not sure what you mean…"

"I'll show you, if you follow me back to bed."

"Sounds a lot like blackmail. You could join me in here too," she moved aside a bit, motioning for him to climb into the hammock with her.

Jay steadfastly refused: "No way - I am not getting into that swinging thing with you."

"I bet one day you'll just check it out and will find that it's extremely comfy and then I'm gonna have to fight you for a place in it!"

"Never going to happen... I am not that guy!"

"What guy? The guy who is relaxing in a hammock?" Rianne teasingly stretched out her limbs to full extend just like her cat had done moments before.

Her shirt riding up and revealing a lot of that soft skin on her stomach. The lines of her tattoos vanished under her shirt just below the rise of her breasts. Suddenly Jay didn't really need to get back to sleep, he swallowed hard. It wasn't funny how much she kept making him want her.

"Would you just stop and come back to bed with me?" he laughed exasperatedly and stopped the hammock from swinging any further, having half a mind to turn it upside down and make her get out that way.

Instead he squatted in front of her, grabbed her chin and turned his best sex eyes on her, ordering in a husky voice:

"I could think of a better use for that cheeky mouth of yours, so move it!"

Her lazy gaze immediately landed intently on his lips. When her eyes returned back to his, her expression had shifted into something challenging, her tone suggestive:

"Uh, bossy…"

Jay turned up the heat between them another notch by running his hand down her front slowly but firmly, stroking her through the fabric of her panties, making Rianne draw in a sharp breath. Looking to the already evident bulge in his shorts when he got back up, then staring into his eyes that were eating her up, she growled and got up in one swift movement while grabbing his neck and bruisingly kissed him.

"Fuck, I hate how you keep doing that to me!" she moaned between kisses, taking off her shirt and pants in all but two seconds, Jay's shorts following suit.

"Do what exactly to you?" He dragged her back into the bedroom with his body pressed to hers, not able to decide where he wanted to touch her first, ending up roaming his hands and mouth all over her.

"Make me loose myself and act like a sex-starved hussy every time you look at me like that! I thought we wanted to take it slow?" She rubbed her thumbs over his nipples amplifying the throbbing pulse in his loins and making him push her down on the bed impulsively.

"I'm done with slow…" Jay laughed and panted, crawling onto the bed with her and kissing his way up her thighs, encouraged by the way her eyes rolled back while he did that.

"In fact I can't wait until I am all healed up and I am making you part of my fitness training to get back into shape! We're gonna have so much sex **everywhere** and **every which way** possible... It's gonna be mind-blowing and exhausting, darling!" He wolfishly looked down on her, fantasizing right now which surface he wanted to lift her up on and ravish her inch by inch.

Rianne kept nibbling at his chin once he laid down by her side, pushed himself up on his right arm and pulled her right leg over his, the tip of him already teasing her.  
She softly laughed at his excitement:

"Easy there Detective Halstud! Who says I would want to participate in that?"

"You keep telling yourself that! You **never** say no to sex!"

"Up until now I didn't! Who say's I won't say no in the future…?"

Jay just rolled his eyes at her, he didn't buy that for one minute. And he was done talking, rather sucked at her neck. Apparently **she** wasn't done though:

"Besides: Does this imply it's all just about my body then?"

"Sex with you is about **way** more than just your body..." On that note he pushed into her in one smooth motion, taking her by surprise.

Keeping his eyes on hers intently he began moving slowly.  
It was about more than just her and his body for sure. Every time he felt their connection getting stronger, their bodies expressing and anticipating what their hearts and souls so desperately needed: To be seen, to be loved and to belong!

"Oh boy..." Rianne gasped, grasping his hips to pull him deeper inside of her.

"Right, I think I'm done with slow too..."

In their preoccupation with one another they didn't hear someone waltz into the loft just past 2 a.m.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I am going more than a little off the "Chicago Med" script and storyline here. There's several reasons for that: First it's the show I am probably least obsessed about and haven't watched like 5 times over… Secondly I really didn't like what happened to Will & Natalie there and am kind of not on board with Will's new love interest, so I felt like I wanted to give Manstead the wedding they deserved - in my story at least. I hope you can follow me on that or at least tolerate it. We're going to see how that's going to be like in the next chapters.


	31. The Weak Hour of the Rooster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "The Weak Hour of the Rooster" by Dover

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne hurried into the kitchen in the morning to make her and Jay some coffee-to-go and grab two granola bars or something equally simple.   
Due to their night-time activities they were a little late and had to get going quickly. She was giving Ja a ride to the station as it was his first day back, even if he was supposed to just sit at his desk for the time being. He'd been excited about it, because this meant things were moving along.   
The sun was already up and sending rays of light through the loft, it promised to be a 'bright sunshiny day' and it made her smile and whistle to herself.

When Rianne crossed the rest of the room and faced the kitchen area, she stopped in her tracks and shrieked in shock:

"What the actual fuck…" Rianne let out, clutching her chest.

Her heart was pumping like mad, all her limbs tingling.  
Nate was sitting there on his usual barstool, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, like a ghost that had appeared out of nowhere.

"What's going on?" Jay skittered to a halt next to her, alarmed by her scream, just short of drawing his gun (that he had just strapped on minutes earlier in a very important manner accompanied by Rianne's teasing in the bedroom) on the intruder.

When he noticed who was sitting there in front of them, his expression changed from worried and alarmed to angry and pissed off:

"What's he doing here?" he muttered under his breath, just earning a shrug from Rianne and a wide smile from Nate, when he turned his head to them:

"Oh good morning! You two look a little rough… didn't get much sleep last night, did you?" He didn't look fazed at all, more like this was happening every morning.

Like he was used to this constellation day in and out.  
Was this maybe a bad dream? How could he just waltz back in here unannounced? Rianne was so shocked that she didn't even think about the last part of his question, hinting to something he had clearly witnessed.

"What are you doing here?" She couldn't think of a more witty response, still feeling frozen inside, her mind going into overdrive.

"Last time I checked I lived here and paid rent. Seems we got a new roommate now, do we?" he said winking at Jay, who let out a loud huff beside her.

"Coffee's already done!" Nate added in a nonchalant and unexcited way motioning at the coffee-pot on the counter.

"You can't be serious? You just walk in here after that cryptic letter, after three weeks of being incommunicado, after moving half of your stuff out without so much as a single word in advance?"

Now with the anger at his demeanor slowly boiling up Rianne found her voice again. As she already knew, Nate hated confrontations, but this really beat everything.   
What was he thinking? He couldn't just act like nothing had happened.

"Didn't think it was necessary. My bad! I can see you used the time of my absence to replace me, so … good for you I guess!" Nate threw a meaningful and arrogant look in Jay's direction, making him etch even closer to Rianne in a protective way, putting a warm hand in the small of her back.

She was poleaxed, but determined not to let him get to her. Obviously he had gone a little insane during his retreat and this was not the right time to have a conversation with him:

"I can't do this right now, I have to go to work. We should talk tonight, though. Jay, you coming? I think we'll better get some coffee on the way…"

Rianne already felt bad that their morning didn't go so smoothly and turned her back to Nate and to Jay with an apologetic look.

"Oh yeah, can I get a ride with you? I have to get going too," Nate fluted and got up from his chair.

What the hell was he playing at? Rianne didn't even bother to turn around again to give him an answer.

"I don't think so dude!" Jay raised one of his eyebrows in disbelief, sneering back at Nate.

Rianne felt his body stiffen and saw his fist clenching, he was just short of letting all that anger he was harboring on her behalf boil over. She grabbed his hand and threw him a pleading look:

"Jay, don't! Let's just go."

"Alright, whatever, tough guy. I'll ride by myself then. See you all tonight!"

Nate put his arms up in the air, declaring defeat and smirking.   
Jay put his arm around Rianne's shoulder and went to grab his jacket with her, keeping an eye on Nate the whole time. He called after them in amusement:

"You were absolutely right about him Rianne: He's still got that stick up his ass!"

Without commenting on that Rianne took her backpack and hurried out the door. Instead of pressing for the elevator to come up her and Jay went for the stairs. She felt she needed to turn that shock into physical exhaustion and Jay didn't complain either.

* * *

In the car Rianne didn't know what to say concerning the run in they'd just had, her head seriously spinning.   
She had been prepared for another while of radio-silence, or an open confrontation and a real talk that wasn't just sprung on her, maybe some civil arrangement on how to move forward concerning their living situation, but not this.  
Jay on the other hand was openly seething, already kicking into action:

"I'll call Will and see if we can reschedule our meet tonight. I don't want you to go back in there alone."

The brothers had a suit fitting scheduled. Not only did Rianne think it was important Jay went to accompany Will, she also didn't need a bodyguard to have a conversation with her (maybe former) roommate and (also maybe former) best friend.

"Jay, it's okay. I'll handle this…"

"No, I'm doing this with you!"

Rianne didn't like the testosterone vibes he was giving out. Trying to stay calm though, not wanting to start a fight with him, she put her hand in his neck at the next red light, squeezing it gently and let her eyes rest on his tense features for a minute:

"Let me rephrase this and please note that I say this with love: I don't want you to come with me! I need to do this alone. Please just trust me on this!"

Jay coming with her was destined to end in a stand-off that would lead nowhere. This was between her and Nate after all. She could tell that Jay didn't like it at all, but he just grunted and didn't argue with her any more. He kept looking out of the window for the rest of the ride and Rianne didn't know what else to say about this without sounding defensive, so she kept her mouth shut too.

"Are you ready for this?" She did ask though when they had reached the 21st.

"I am so ready for desk-duty…yay!" Obviously Jay's heart wasn't fully into it.

He seemed to still be deep in thought about this morning, not jumping out of the car like she had expected him to be doing.

"Have a great day protecting that desk the best you can! And Jay?"

"Yeah?"

When he turned his face to her she cringed at the traces of hurt and insecurity there. She didn't like it but she wasn't sure she could make is disappear just now.

"Don't be mad okay? I love you and I'll see you tonight!"

Where ever and whenever, she was not doubting she would be seeing him and hoped he believed this as well.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to confront him alone?" Stella sounded just as worried as Jay had been this morning.

Maybe not quite this aggravated but still. Rianne didn't really understand what her friends thought Nate would do to her. She'd been on the phone with her on her way back from the office.

"I just wanna talk to him about how we're going to handle this living situation, as I don't see this thing between him and Jay working out. Apart from that I really want to know what he's been thinking about for the last three weeks. If he's been thinking about anything at all…"

"Just be careful hon! From the looks of it he's not doing so well with your new beau. Throw in that Ruzek temper and his loyalty to Andrea it makes for an unpredictable combination…"

Promising to call her with the latest after the talk and be careful, Rianne hung up and wouldn't let herself get worried about this so much. Surely there was still a way to handle it and clear the air?

Waiting on Nate to come home late in the afternoon Rianne had actually fallen asleep on the couch after a pretty hectic and busy work-schedule. She found this happened to her sometimes when she was extremely wired about something: She fell asleep, like a defense or deflection mechanism of her body. As if things would solve themselves on their own while she was out cold.  
Not this one though! On the contrary. She woke up to someone stroking her hair and face:

"Hey, I'm home, Ri!"

Feeling instantly alarmed she shot up to find Nate hunched over her. What the hell?  
Rianne got up from the couch, creating some distance between them. Normally she wouldn't have flinched away from him like that, their friendship had always been a close one, including physical contact. But a lot had gone down in the past weeks and after everything Rianne was positive that some things were about to change. They had already, even if he kept on pretending they hadn't.  
Trying to think of where to start as Nate obviously wasn't going to, she took a look around the room that had looked different before her little nap.

"What's this?" she asked baffled, taking in the boxes scattering the hallway. When had he put them there?

"I'm moving my stuff back in. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Just like that? No talk, no explanation as to where you have been, what you have been up to for the last weeks? Why bother to move the stuff out of here in the first place?" She wasn't following and he still wasn't giving her the answers she wanted.

Where had he been staying after all when he'd gotten back to work last week? Rianne had checked with Adam, he hadn't known about this.

"You wrote this could be a way for us both to figure out which way we wanted to go. So, I'm curious to hear what you decided concerning that matter? I didn't ask you to move back in, because I didn't ask you to move out. At least I haven't yet…" She was pacing the room, getting agitated at his unruffled and composed way to just sit on that couch and keep looking at her.

"You don't look so good by the way… I thought you were taking care of yourself, getting things figured out? What have you been doing instead?"

He had lost a few pounds, his face scruffy and that beard not so neatly trimmed like it usually was. When close to she had noticed he smelled of cigarettes. He had quit that habit years ago together with her.

"Drinking, mostly… but I did figure things out: I don't want you to be with that cop!"

"That's your big revelation after three weeks of hiding away somewhere?"

"Yes, plain and simple! I want things to get back to the way they were before and for us both to move on together…"

He was still just sitting there, outwardly calm. The only thing giving him away were his knees he couldn't keep still and his hands that were fidgeting around. Rianne stopped her pacing:

"But why? Why can't you just be happy for me?"

She couldn't believe he was really saying this. A sadness spread her wings inside of her, a sadness at the realization that this was the end of something. There was no easy solution to this.

"Because he's got nothing on Andrea. Just tell me what it is about him that makes you so blind to see that he's just not good for you! You're not that solid house-wife and arm-candy he is probably looking for! He's going to slow you down, you're a free spirit!"

His words made Rianne so angry that she started to shout at him. He didn't even **want** to see what Jay really meant to her:

"You don't know Jay - he's not like that at all! And I love him! I really do! It took me by surprise, but I made my peace with it and I am happy I did! Andrea wouldn't have wanted me to lead a lonely widows-life for the next 40 / 50 years."

"No, but he would have wanted **us** to be together Rianne. You were never lonely!" To emphasize his words he got up from where he had been sitting until now and crossed the room to grab her arms.

"Are you out of your mind? Are you drunk right now?"

There was no way Nate could really mean that. Rianne tried to back away from him. He was scaring her suddenly, she was not familiar with the foreign look in his eyes.

"No, I'm fucking serious: You and me, we just belong together!" Normally he caught on to her body language, but now he wouldn't let her go.

"Nate, no! And you're wrong: I was lonely. I'm sorry, but we're just not that way! I love you, but not the way I love Jay, not the way I loved Andrea. And as grateful as I am for you, for you looking after me: We're not supposed to be anything more than friends, even if you're willing it to be different. I can't even believe you want that, I think you're afraid that things are going to change between us! You probably don't wanna hear this, but Jay didn't need to try at all! He filled a hole inside of me that I didn't even know was there. I absolutely didn't realize how lonely I was before him. Maybe you couldn't see it from the outside, but inside there was something missing and it wasn't just losing Andrea. It was something that was missing even before him…"

"But Andrea was the best! You loved him so much. He was in awe of you, he worshipped you…. so am I… and I am still here! You promised him!" Nate's voice was breaking and he was openly crying right now, throwing himself into her arms.

Perplexed she grabbed his shoulders. Torn between her heart going out to him because he was obviously still in so much pain over everything that had happened, and anger because she felt he didn't want to hear what she had to say at all. He wasn't ready to see things from her perspective, see that she had changed. Not to spite him, but because life just was that way.  
His body was getting heavier in her arms and there was an alarm-bell ringing inside her that told her she had to get some distance between them again. Rianne had never felt threatened by Nate before and didn't get what Jay and Stella had tried to tell her, but right now she felt like she didn't know anything about him and how he would react next. It creeped her out, suddenly wishing she had brought back-up after all. Maybe still not Jay, because she had a suspicion that Nate would be lying on the floor by now, punched in the face or worse.

"Nate, let me go!" She tried to get him to get out of their embrace.

Rianne felt silent tears were also streaming down her face now.

"Ri, we were always so good together, can't you see that? I've been in love with you for forever and I know you can't feel nothing for me!" To her bafflement Nate's hands began to wander down her spine, this was slowly turning into more than a comforting embrace she felt, trying to push him away from her with more force now.

"Nate,… please let me go!" He wouldn't, his arms around her waist tightening like metal chains.

His face inched closer to hers, his breath hot on her lips when he spoke. Her heartbeat accelerated, body slowly inching into a panic-mode.

"So you're disgusted by me now? After everything I did? I can remember times when you liked cuddling up with me… I can vividly remember one other time…" He pressed his mouth to hers so fast that she was completely blindsided by it and like he had said:

Yes, she was disgusted. And disappointed. The one who had kept her safe for as long as she could think of suddenly ignored her boundaries and forced himself on her to prove a point. She couldn't let him do this! When shoving at his chest didn't make him break contact, just made him grab her tighter, she bit down hard on bis lip until he flinched away, freeing her.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

She had drawn actual blood in her fear he would keep holding on, slowly suffocating her.  
Rianne brought the sofa between them, her chest heaving in emotional upheaval. Thankfully he didn't try to get to her physically again. But the look he was giving her felt like a cold fist was grabbing her heart and crushing it tight between it.  
Nate's face was an evil mask, hateful, hurt, not the face of the man she'd known for over a decade. His words directed at her were more of a derisive curse, while he wiped the blood from off the corner of his mouth:

"He might make you come and scream for the time being, but I know that it's not gonna last. You will get so bored with him soon, I just know it. He can't take care of you. He's a wreck! He already made you break down with a PTSD-episode I heard. You should get away from him as fast as you can!"

He paused, pinning her to the wall with his piercing eyes, regaining his cooler composure:

"I decided to wait this out, think this is just a phase. Andrea's family thinks so too by the way."

"What's Andrea's family got to do with anything? What have you told them?"

Rianne didn't like how her voice suddenly sounded. Like her older brother was threatening to tell her parents she had done something unspeakable.

"Just kidding, I haven't told them anything. Just wanted to see your reaction…"

Nate went to get himself a tissue for his still bleeding lip, seeming satisfied with the outcome of this little play of his.

"You're unbelievable!" She breathed, couldn't even scream at him anymore.

What the hell had happened to her best friend? To the kind and caring, funny man she had spent her college and young adult years with? She didn't know this mean, oppressing and condescending side of him at all.

"But see? How can you be with him, if you can't even tell your family?" His words stung.

Those were certainly thoughts she had found her mind wondering about too sometimes, but had always found enough reasons why what she was doing was okay. Rianne decided not to engage any further. It was useless, he would find even more ways to hurt her and not clear up anything between them at the same time.

"I'm calling Adam now. You're out of your mind!"

"Oh, not your protective detail? Detective Asshat?" Nate sneered at her and the expression on his face made her face crawl.

It was like she was talking to another person. Nate had never been so contemptuous and hostile towards her.  
Rianne chose to not react to that either and turned on her heel, almost suspecting him to follow her, but he didn't. For the first time ever she locked her bedroom door behind her and called Adam. She only reached his voicemail, but hoped her would listen to it soon:

"Hey Adam, I know you've got a lot on your plate, but I need you to come to the loft asap. Maybe even bring Kevin. Nate's gone completely wacky!"

She couldn't even tell what she wanted him to do, but she wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and to make sure Nate would not stop her. Maybe his cousin could talk some sense into him as well?

Then she went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on her face to not break down because of this.  
A look at all of Jay's things still scattered on the shelves was a bitter reminder of the atmosphere she had let herself fall into for the last week and a half. He should have been able to come back here after his first day at work, tell her about it and just be here with her.  
Nate was disturbing their peace. Not necessarily by coming back. There could have been a solution to this, hell he even could have tried to be happy for her and get along with Jay instead of making such a mess. Maybe it had been naive to not think about this beforehand.

The only thing helping her right now was her ability to switch to rationality instead of going down that very emotional spiral Nate had tried to push her into.  
She hoped she could fight it.


	32. Back To Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Back To Black" by Sam Fender

Jay had been constantly checking his phone because he was worried about Rianne and Nate being alone together.  
This morning adjusting back into work and getting accustomed to the new cases had kept him busy to some extend. But when checking out his and Will's suits at the men's tailor later he had been thoroughly distracted, getting reprimanded by his brother, because his head was not in the game and Will thought he was an old worrywart.  
Jay didn't feel good about this. Not because he didn't trust his girlfriend (which still sounded new in his ears), he didn't trust Nate, not one bit. The other Ruzek hadn't looked too healthy after all that time away as one would have hoped. He knew if he had gone there against her wishes Rianne wouldn't forgive him for not respecting her, but just sitting around waiting on the outcome sucked so much he was almost losing his mind.

"It's going to be alright Jay. She's going to figure this out with him!" Will tried to reason for the hundredth time since he had told him what was going on.

They had gone back to Jay's apartment after their appointment. First there had been some dusting to be done after not being in here for so long. Jay had gone through his mail, but then there was really nothing he could keep himself focused on, so thankfully Will had kept him company.

"What if they're not? What if I am just straight out of luck again?" Jay hadn't known that his mistrust in his luck concerning relationships would be triggered that quickly, but it was.

Half an hour ago Rianne had finally texted him that she would be coming over to his place now. No information on what had gone down whatsoever. He couldn't help but be a little angry. If it was at her or Nate or the situation in general or the fact he could do nothing about it at the moment, he didn't exactly know.  
So when the bell went off Jay shot up from where he had been sitting with Will on his couch, nursing a beer to calm down his nerves. Buzzing Rianne up and holding open his apartment door for her he raised his eyebrows when he saw her coming up. What the hell…?

"Can we crash with you for a while?" She sounded a little out of breath and had a backpack, a suitcase and Límon in a cat-carrier with her.

"There's actually more in the car…and I brought your stuff too..." she admitted guiltily when she caught him staring at her baggage.

"Of course, what happened?"

His nosy brother was coming towards that entry-way spectacle too. Being the polite person that she was Rianne greeted him first before elaborating:

"Hi Will…"

"Hi angel!" Will smiled at her charmingly, kissing both her cheeks and taking the suitcase from her.

Jay threw his brother an annoyed look. He just couldn't leave well enough alone. After being let in and putting all her stuff down, Rianne kept babbling:

"I really hope this is okay with you. Otherwise I would have to bunk with Casey, Severide and Stella, because there are bed bugs at Hermann's place right now. I could have stayed at Stella's little room there as she's shacking up with Kelly most of the time anyway."

"No! Are you kidding me?" Jay was a little offended that she had even considered staying with someone other than him.

"You can stay as long as you want to. In fact I don't **want** you to go anywhere else…" Letting some of his earlier anger go, he went over to her and hugged Rianne tight.

He should take into account that she had come back to him, he told himself, but he was still feeling anxious. It was hard to wait until he got the full story on why she felt like she had to move out of her home in the first place.

"So you don't feel like you need space after shacking up with me last week?" She said it jokingly, but Jay knew there was a little insecurity inside her about this.

"Funny as it may sound: I don't need **any** space from you…"

"Funnily enough: Me neither…" Rianne pulled his head down for a relieved kiss.

"I'm gonna go and throw up after witnessing that! I feel like I'm watching a telenovela. I always thought **I** was the smooth talker in the family!" Will groaned, reminding them that he was still there as well.

Rianne sank down on a kitchen chair, appreciating the bottle Jay got her and finally brought them up to speed on how her "talk" with Nate had gone down.  
Jay was instantly furious and could barely keep still. He was pacing the room like a tiger in a cage, ready to attack. What was that guy thinking?

"Did he hurt you?" It was his first thought.

Rianne neither did look physically hurt, nor did she seem enormously cut up about this whole drama. There was more a matter-of-fact demeanor about the way she told them what Nate had said to her. Somehow she seemed more surprised and disbelieving than anything.

"No, he kissed me, but I fought him off!"

"That son of a… I'm gonna kill him!"

That hot ball of anger Jay was very well accustomed to rolled through his body, he was short of climbing the walls. How dare that douchebag lay hands on his girl? How dare he make her feel so cornered that she resorted to moving out of her own place?  
Rianne shot him a scolding glance, ready to tackle him if he would only so much as inch closer to the door to go after Nate, her voice firm:

"Jay, it's gonna be okay and you're not killing no one… He said he's going to sit things out until I change my mind. I said he needs to find somewhere else to live when I left. I guess it shouldn't be a problem, his mum's a realtor, so she can help out once he gets his head on straight. Meanwhile Nate can stay in the loft, but I certainly won't stay there with him as long as he is this delusional. I hope Adam can talk some sense into him or he will see in time that…"

"Wait, why Adam?" Jay didn't let her finish, stopping in his tracks.

So she had needed help getting out of the house after all?

"I called him so I could get out of the house and take my stuff without Nate being up my back all of the time. I thought as his cousin maybe he could keep him in line."

Jay wasn't listening to anything other than that she had called his colleague before him. He didn't care that his brother was still in the room, or that he was probably blowing things out of proportion, but he couldn't reign in his temper, taking a step closer to her:

"So, let me get this straight: You said you didn't need any help handling this and then you go and call Adam before you call me?" He raised his voice at the last part of his sentence, his whole body going rigid.

"Hell yes I did! Because I didn't need you to go all knight in shining armor on me and rescue me from the fiery dragon! This would have made things worse like I said this morning! Stop yelling at me for Christ's sake!"

He heard her plea, but he couldn't comply and kept the argument going:

"Why are you letting him stay at your place if he's being such a dick to you? I don't get it, I would have chased him out of there!"

Was she secretly trying to keep her home intact like it was before in case things didn't work out between her and him? Jay was short of asking her just than, when his work-phone rang.  
Seeing it was Voight calling him he couldn't ignore it after he just started back today, not wanting to seem unreliable:

"Halstead," he grunted into the phone, silencing Rianne with his index finger over his mouth.

She had just wanted to say something to keep defending herself he guessed. Knowing her she wouldn't back down so easily.  
When he ended the short call he regretted the bad timing, but Voight needed to discuss something with him in person that couldn't wait until tomorrow:

"I'm sorry, I have to step out for a minute, Voight needs me for something. Can you stay with her until I get back?" he addressed Will, who nodded a little perplexed.

Jay didn't know if it was because of the question or of the screaming-match his brother had just witnessed.

"I don't need a babysitter Jay!" Rianne protested, eyes now equally shooting daggers at him like he had been shooting at her just a minute ago.

"I think you do and just fyi: this conversation is far from over!"

"Jay if you decide to go over there now and have it out with Nate then…."

"Then, what?" With one last fierce look in her direction he grabbed his jacket and slammed the door behind him, hearing her call:

"Are you freakin' serious?" after him, outraged now too.

In a way Jay was thankful that Voight had called him the moment he did, otherwise he would have probably said some things he didn't really mean and he didn't want to say. He was just so angry, and hurt and confused and felt betrayed by the universe because things couldn't just be simple and peaceful for once. Just yesterday night he had been the happiest, most satisfied and calm he had been in a long time.  
Getting into his own truck after being chauffeured around for longer than he had liked, he angrily discarded his sling on the front-seat and drove to the district himself. The physical discomfort palpable when he used his left arm just matching the pain he felt in his chest.

* * *

"Well, that was….awkward…"

Will tried to fill the silence that had been dominating the room ever since his hot-head of a brother had slammed the front door and walked out of his argument with Rianne.  
Classic Jay! The younger Halstead had a habit of doing that, be it due to work or because he couldn't help it.  
Will speculated he would have needed to take a beat sooner or later anyway to not fly off the handle completely. Composing himself had never been one of Jay's strength. Everything his little brother felt, he always felt so deeply.

"Seems I didn't get the memo that it's asshole-day!" Rianne commented that outburst sarcastically and was quiet for another minute.

Will saw that she was fighting to keep her head up and not start crying angry or maybe even sad tears and he felt a bit sorry for that on his brother's behalf. Her face was tense, lines of worry and conflict showing on her forehead that normally didn't belong there.  
Rianne suddenly looked directly at him, kind of unsure of herself. As if she was deciding to talk to him about whatever was on her mind or keep her mouth shut.

"I couldn't let him come over there today!" Now it sounded more like she was assuring herself she had made the right call.

"Yeah, avoiding any confrontation between Nate and Jay at the moment sounds like a good plan. I would be very relieved to see my brother healed up from his current injuries first…" Will laughed a little unhappy.

"Aren't you afraid that Nate will go completely crazy and destroy your home or steal things or destroy them out of spite?" Will was curious how she could have left her beautiful house in the hands of a momentary maniac.

"I just needed to get out of there and I didn't know what else to do. Nate wouldn't budge and I didn't want to go to extremes just yet, like throw him out and get a restraining order. The only thing I wanted was to be with Jay, so… I just packed up and got out of there. I didn't think beyond that I guess."

Will nodded his head in understanding. Rianne was still not getting how this had went from one bad situation to another one:

"Why doesn't Jay get that I didn't mean to hurt him, just because I asked someone else for help? I only tried to keep him out of harm's way."

"Pffffff, you're really asking me about the complex, multi-layered mind that is my brother's?" Jay was a mystery to Will himself most days.

"I am…." Rianne stated and her eyes told him that she didn't resort to asking his advise on this easily.

She seriously was afraid to mess things up with Jay. Will had been convinced that Rianne usually understood his brother quite well, sometimes without so many words. But seeing as they both had a temper that was easily provoked, conflicts and arguments had probably been bound to occur. They were both pretty cross-grained as they had proven in the past and knew how to press each other's buttons.

"Look, you should really talk to **him** about this, not to me. I'll just say you have to take into account that Jay has the tendency to get scared if he feels like he does not know everything about you and can't figure you out. He wants to have all the information to have the security that he can help the people he cares about."

"But I don't need help all the time and I don't need saving. I have practically been on my own since I was a little girl. I can handle myself. And I just **told** him what happened, I wasn't shutting him out!" Rianne sulked.

"I think Jay knows that, but he needs you to tell him what's going on nonetheless. He might be afraid that you go about your life the way you used to, not including him in any decision-making. And if he gets scared he lashes out and acts… you know… like this…"

"But I need to be able to do my thing. Decide for myself without consulting him all the time."

"I don't think he wants to decide for you. He just wants to feel included, like his opinion matters to you, that you will hear him out. He needs to feel that you want him in your life."

"I am currently moving a lot of my stuff into his place, you think this'll assure him enough that I fucking want him in my life? Or shouldn't I move the rest of my stuff in, d'you think he's going to throw me out once he gets back because he is such a stubborn idiot?"

"Nonsense… He knows I will kill him if he messes this up! We certainly can't change the seating chart for the reception all over again…" Will tried lightening the mood, but he had somehow misjudged the situation:

"I was being serious Will!" Rianne's stern face told him it was too early for jokes.

"No way stupid! He will come around. Come over here!" Will reached out his arms.

His big brother instincts said it was time for a comforting hug and Rianne gratefully accepted, wiping away an escaped tear of distress. Those two drama queens and their insecurities! Things would certainly not get boring between and with them, Will mused.

"How did Nat do it?" Rianne mumbled into his chest after a while.

"How did she do what?" He didn't know what she was applying to.

"Get all the people from her life before you to butt out and be happy for her? Stop caring what everyone thinks of her new relationship… if it's too soon or not right for her?"

Will suspected that there had been a lot more Nate had said to Rianne, than she had told his brother to not hurt him. His heart got a little heavier at the thought of the crusade still ahead for her.

"Honestly, I don't know. It certainly was tough on her too. Maybe you should talk to her about it sometime…Compare notes on those moronic brothers you're dating..."

* * *

"Rianne?" Jay's voice and him knocking was only a faint sound behind a thick wall. A thick wall of sorrow and tears and of course actual bricks.

Will and her had passed the time getting her things out of her pick-up and into Jay's apartment, her heart still constricted and hoping it wouldn't be in vain. He had then convinced her to get out her guitars and practice a little with him on the songs he had chosen for the wedding, indeed succeeding to take her mind off things. It made her feel like this was just a small bump in the road and things would go back to normal. There was a future to look forward to, an event she would be attenting with Jay by her side, once they had figured this out.

Just when Jay texted Will he was ten minutes out Rianne said she wanted to run a bath and that Will could get going, she wasn't planning on escaping to anywhere. She didn't know if he left or stayed, because she didn't wait for him to make his decision and locked herself into Jay's bathroom, turning on the faucets. Sitting on the rim of the tub she waited for it to fill up with scalding hot water. Rianne yearned to sink into that puddle of bubbles, dive under and drown out every noise in her head for a while. Brace herself for her talk with Jay. She was so tired that she didn't really want to talk about anything today at all if she was honest.

"Rianne, open up!"

Although she had wanted to ban all the thoughts about the encounter with Nate and her shock about what came out of it, from her mind, it didn't really work while she was sitting there alone. Her mind was suddenly on overdrive again and her heart began to feel heavier by the minute as the gravity of it all sank in.

The realization that had hit her before, that Nate didn't know her anymore, came back full force. He didn't know what she had become, what she wanted from life. He was clinging to an old version of the girl he used to know that just didn't exist anymore and even that one he seemed to have gotten totally wrong. Had he just pretended to be her friend always pursuing an ulterior motive that one day he would be more to her? Hurting himself along the way because she didn't reciprocated his feelings? Had this been going on when Andrea had still been alive?  
It hurt so much. It hurt that he wouldn't open his mind to a future that was different from anything they had imagined twelve years, eight years, hell even three years ago. It hurt that she had to question every conversation, every memory she had about them: About them being friends, confidantes, fellow sufferers and companions.

There was no denying that some of his words had implanted themselves into her brain, sowing doubt. Was she really leaving a man behind that had known her for so long, for someone she barely knew five minutes? Even though it felt like the man she had only known for five minutes already knew her better than Nate ever had? Jay had seen deep into her soul, hadn't he? What she felt for him was real, it had to be real.  
She couldn't have just been imagining this deep connection, the pull she felt whenever he was near, whenever she thought about him.  
Rianne hated that Nate made her question herself even a little bit because: How could she trust her gut, when it seemed to have been wrong about her best friend after all this time?

"You're going to regret this!"

It had almost sounded like a threat, the words Nate had called out after her when she had left their place with everything that was important, everything she could carry, Adam almost tackling Nate and calling him out on his behavior:

"What the hell is wrong with you dude? Leave her alone!"

Yeah, what the hell was wrong with him?

Their place… that was certainly history. She would never forgive him for the way he had treated her, the way he had made her feel when he had forced his mouth on hers in that desperate and yet calculated, possessive way. How would she react if she saw him at work next week? That image, that feeling? It was irreversibly imprinted on her memory.

Thinking back to this her chest had suddenly felt very tight, restricting her airway. She had slid down to the cold tiles and put her head between her knees, trying to keep breathing, feeling sick. And then the painful tears she had been holding back since hours ago fell and didn't stop.  
It was like someone had died in her life all over again and she had to mourn a loss she hadn't been expecting. She hugged herself tightly.

"Rianne, please just say something or open up or I swear I'll kick the door in!"

There was this voice again, a voice she wanted to be soft and caring, not loud and hard like it had been earlier. She needed him to understand.

But Rianne couldn't get up or stop the crying to give him an answer. She had cried herself into a frenzy by now, howling like a little child, embarrassed with herself but not able to stop the waterworks and the desperation she felt at losing someone today. It was a crying that physically hurt since it afflicted her whole body.  
Rianne couldn't catch her breath enough to stop the hiccupy sounds emerging from her throat even if she wanted to and then the door was kicked in with a loud smashing sound, wood splintering.

* * *

Jay took in the room and the situation in two split seconds, eyes open wide, body charged with adrenaline. He turned off the faucets, the water in the tub almost threatening to splash over any second. Then he hauled the picture of misery on the floor into his arms, kneeling down in front of her and pressing her head against his chest. He shushed and held her while she was bawling her eyes out. He felt like crap for yelling at her before. Having had some time to think about his outburst and his fears behind it, Jay had put things into perspective while going over some case-files with Voight, antsy to get back here and fix things.

Jay pulled Rianne up from the floor, moving them onto his living-room couch because his knees were beginning to hurt. Maybe a change of scenery would make her snap out of the state she was in. Rianne instantly curled up into a ball on top of him, the convulsive sobbing continued. Again he put his arms around her, rubbing soothing circles over her back and placing his head on top of hers. He didn't tell her to stop crying, he just waited for the storms to calm down with her although it was difficult for him to see her like this. Probably it had been like that for her when witnessing his meltdown last week, because he suspected his pain was just as well hers as hers was his by now. She had been patient and understanding with him, so he felt he owed her the same. But hearing her heartbreaking wails through the bathroom door earlier and not being able to get to her, not getting any sign that she was okay on her own, something inside him had snapped. He had already suspected that she was hurting more than she led on.  
When her breathing slowed down and her snivels became less frequent he pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I'm really sorry about before babe!" He softly said, combing her hair back from her red, hot, tear-stained face.

Jay was relieved to see that some life was springing back into her, because she put her arms around his neck and pressed him to her in return, sighing deeply.  
Then she let him go and got up, a little cold feeling engulfed his heart until she looked him in the eyes and said:

"I need to wash my face real quick…"

When she returned Jay had gotten up from the couch as well, leaning against the backrest of it. Rianne's eyes were still pretty puffy, but her posture had returned to upright, more collected, she nodded over her shoulder at the bathroom door he had taken off the hinges, as if she had just registered it for the first time:

"Nice work Detective! Thank god you still got a separate toilet…"

"Yeah… I'll see what I can do about that… sorry…" Jay was a little contrite because of his impulsiveness earlier.

"But you normally never lock a door, so I thought something wasn't right and you were drowning in that bathtub or worse..."

"You must've rubbed off on me. When I went in there your brother was still here so I locked it... But it's your home Jay… you can trash it whichever way you want…" She had stopped in front of him, fiddling with the sleeve of her dress and looking at the dark grey spots on his shirt where she had spilled her tears.

"You're staying here too now, so I will fix it!"

"I'm sorry I sprang this on you. If it's not okay, just say the word. And if you don't want the cat here I can get Stella to take him…But I wanted to be here with you…" Rianne tentatively reached out for his hand.

Jay grabbed hers tight and pulled her into him once again. Her warmth against his body was as always comforting.

"Please shut up about it. It's fine, I'm glad you felt that way…"

"I don't want **you** to feel pressured into this… I would have liked for us to keep shacking up at my place or talk about where we wanted to go from there, but now it's... I'm just ... I'm sorry for all the drama, I think..."

"Stop it! I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'm happy to share my home with you, you did the same, so: We're good! And you know I wanna be with you every night anyway, it doesn't matter which bed we sleep in. So were these woebegone tears about me being an overbearing ass, about this day in general or is there something you didn't tell me before?"

He was strongly trying to keep in all the anger churning in his gut just by thinking about what else Nate could have done or said to her that got her so upset other than pretty much destroying their friendship by pressuring her into an impossible choice.  
Rianne was quietly looking him up and down now. Jay got that she was accessing his state and his hands for signs he had gotten into a fist fight or else. He cupped her face, his left shoulder still protesting if he used his arm like nothing happened, but he didn't care right now:

"I didn't go to see Nate. I was with Voight all the time, you can check with him!"

For a moment their eyes held each others gaze, her watery blue ones connecting with his piercing greens.

"Okay, thank you!"

"So?"

"Jay I don't wanna hurt you but I don't wanna lie to you either. Nate said some things that got me thinking and…"

"… You're not seriously considering anything he said, do you?" He immediately was working himself up into a lather again, his eyes gauging every tell he could get from her face.

Jay wanted to shut out the words coming from her mouth and yet he couldn't wait to hear where she was going with this.

"Would you let me finish before jumping to conclusions?" Rianne stomped her foot on the floor loudly, fire in her eyes at his impetuous reaction.

"Geesh! You sure you're not half Mediterranean or Hispanic?"

Somehow it was a little hot that they could rile each other up like that Jay thought, sometimes just not really helping.

"I guess it's my Irish genes pushing through…" he had to laugh against his will.

"Next time I'll bring duct-tape with me so I can gag you until I am finished explaining myself!"

He would certainly like to see that, but he kept his mouth shut for now to let her continue.

"So, to answer you question: I was pretty upset in general, still am. I wasn't prepared Nate would come at me like this. And he said some things about Andrea's family and how I haven't told them I'm with somebody new and why I can't be honest with them if I'm being serious about it. He threatened to go tell them his side of the story, make me look bad, get them on his side - whatever... Saying it out loud it sounds pretty crazy actually. But I can't help but feel like I need to get out in front of this. I'll sleep on it, but maybe I have to rip off the band-aid and be done with it, just go over there and tell them about us. And then they can be angry or disappointed with me, but at least they heard it from me and not somebody else if Nate decides to pursue his vendetta or whatever he's planning. I honestly can't tell anymore..." She ran her hands over her face and through her hair, fed up.

"Can I say something?" he muttered after a little moment of letting her words sink in.

Put aside that he thought it childish and immature of Nate to threaten to go "tell tales" about her, he had already known that this would be a topic that they would have to tackle someday.

"Yeah, please!" she breathed out and Jay cleared his throat:

"You shouldn't do this because you feel like you need to get out in front of this or because you somehow think you have to prove something to yourself or anyone, or me. You should do it because you want to and because you feel ready to do it. There should be no other reason for taking such a step... After all we're not committing a crime or anything by being together."

Rianne just stared at him for a minute before her features relaxed into a slowly spreading, incredulous smirk: "You're so smart and noble-minded sometimes..."

"See? More than just a pretty face!" Jay found himself smiling too and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

"Yeah, you're way more than just a pretty face..." She put her hands in his back jeans-pockets, getting closer than close and glanced up at him, eyes lighting up.

He was glad to see her crack a smile again.


	33. Rhiannon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Despite the emotional and crazy day they had had, Jay had slept through the night, he only woke up way earlier than Rianne.   
Carefully removing her from his chest to not wake her he got up and took a long shower, trying to wash away some of the inner turmoil yesterday had left him with and further clear his head. He put his sweats on afterwards and took a look around now that dawn was breaking outside, lights flowing in through his blinds and curtains. Somehow he waited for panic to set in, because come to think of it: No woman had ever moved her stuff into **his** place up until now. But strangely he didn't mind the female touch and take-over at all.

Somehow they had managed to cram all of Rianne's stuff into the, in comparison to the loft, tiny apartment yesterday night.   
Thankfully she had only brought parts of her wardrobe. Which were nonetheless just as many clothes as he probably had altogether, and as he knew that she would certainly be using his as well Jay wondered what he'd be wearing in the future. Somehow even that made him smile.  
There wouldn't be any space left in his bedroom had she brought one suitcase more of those flimsy dresses, skirts, pants and tops, accessories and countless boots.  
His bath certainly looked more lived in too; even if the broken door somehow tarnished the image of those nicely arranged colorful toiletries and hair-products now cluttering his shelves. As if she hadn't just moved in, it seemed those things had been there for far longer.  
One corner of his living-room resembled more a music studio right now and when Jay went into the kitchen he saw that she had also brought her own maccinetta and espresso powder.  
It actually made him shake his head in amusement and wonder why he didn't freak out at all. He'd been absolutely honest yesterday when he'd said that he didn't need any space from her. On the contrary: Jay was glad she was finally confident enough with him to make herself at home here.

Límon had also taken over his throne as the king of the homestead and chosen the window seat to be his lookout point, his scruffy tail twitching constantly while he was watching the latest news down on Claremont Ave.   
Great, now he had a dirty-white cat in his kitchen window, who would have thought...  
Límon's attention switched to him suddenly while Jay was making some coffee. At one point he even imagined the animal winked at him for whatever reason.  
Rianne's furry companion and him seemed to have reached the agreement that they would keep an eye on each other from a safe distance for the time being until they had figured the other one out. Jay was graciously allowed to feed him and Límon chose when to grace him with a little bit more of his attention from time to time by coiling himself around Jay's legs, mostly when Rianne was not around.

Warm arms and hands snaked around his body from behind, fingers gently squeezing the skin over his ribcage, lips pressed to his shoulder blades:

"Hm… good morning… I love that you're so in to being semi-naked all the time…"

A big fat grin spread over his face, he just loved her purring voice in the morning.

"I told you I spend a lot of my time off looking like this…" he squeezed her hand with his, with the other one pouring the coffee into a mug.

He didn't get to organizing a second one, because he heard her get excited behind him and jump up and down:

"Is that fresh coffee I smell? Did you use my favorite moka?"

"Yes, and yes!"

Before he could react Rianne reached around him to snatch the cup out of his hands, almost making him spill it over her: "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Jesus girl, it's still freaking hot. How can a person be so coffeeine-addicted? You should be shaking all of the time!"

Jay had always thought **he** drank a lot of coffee, although it mostly was the badly fabricated stuff at the district that contained more water than flavor. But Rianne gave him a run for his money on that one. She hoisted herself up on the kitchen island, his shirt she was wearing slipping up over her hips indecently and indulged in the smell of the freshly brewed beverage, almost dipping her nose into the mug. Then she took a sip, closing her eyes, lashes fluttering in pure bliss:

"Hm…you're actually getting better at this… my coffee-making-lessons are paying off!"

"Let me try it!"

He could have gotten his own mug, but it was more fun this way. Putting up a fight about not wanting to share her coffee at first, Rianne then carefully "fed" him some. Then she put the mug aside, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him thoroughly. Stepping between her legs, his hands wandered up and down her naked thighs, creating goose-bumps on her skin. Jay thought he could get used to having his morning coffee accompanied by something like that every day. The rest of his body eagerly agreed.

His cellphone buzzed on the counter, loudly. Trying to reach for it with one hand, the other planted firmly around Rianne and their mouths still attached it was kind of difficult to get to it in time. So when he could finally take a look at it he had missed a call from Hailey and a message already popped up that he should be at the district in 20, because they had caught a case and needed him back at the office to run technical support.

"D'you need to get in to work?" Rianne growled near his ear, softly kissing along his jawline.

"I guess so… no rest for the wicked…" he sighed.

Quickly he tried to focus on getting back into the real world with his thoughts. He had half a mind of getting completely naked with his girl again right now. The thought that she would already be here when he got back was comforting though. While Rianne fondled with his hair and drank some more of that coffee Jay typed a short reply to Hailey, asking if someone could pick him up. His arm was hurting a bit from his stunt at the wheel yesterday, so maybe it was better to be careful for once and rest up a little this morning.

"Decide what **you** wanna do today?" Jay was curious if she had given any more thought to going over to meet with Andrea's family or take her time with that until she was sure and ready.

He admired how she looked so much more relaxed and upbeat than yesterday. She sure knew how to bounce back.

"Maybe I'll meet up with Stella for some girl time and shopping if you're busy. I feel like I need to treat myself to something nice after yesterday…and I haven't seen her alone in forever I think…"

"More clothes?" Jay looked at her in semi-mock shock.

She just shrugged her shoulders and winked at him cheekily:

"Maybe… Mainly I should start to look for something to wear to your brother's wedding. You still haven't told me what color your suit is going to be…"

"Where are you going to do your shopping?"

He didn't really want to say it to not come across as overbearing again, but he still wasn't so sure how he felt about her being on her own anywhere right now. This Nate thing was far from over and Jay feared that this tenacious S.O.B. would be going nowhere for the time being.

"I was thinking I could take the chance to get to know my new neighborhood better, actually some of my favorites shops are in Wicker Park and Bucktown anyway, so… we might be staying local."

Really adaptable this woman, he liked the reference to this being 'her new neighborhood'.

"So, maybe we could meet up later, get some dinner? Like in a **restaurant** for a change?" Jay had noticed that they hadn't really done that apart from visiting a few lunch- and coffee-places.

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"I'll think of something…" He treated himself to another slow and tender coffee-flavored kiss before he knew he had to get ready to go.

"It's green by the way…" Jay said still close to her lips.

Rianne's conspiratorial smile showed him that she understood what he was referring to. With one arm he lifted her up from the counter to put her down on the floor, against her protests that he shouldn't be doing that yet.

"I told you I was going to use you to get back into shape again! That's just the beginning…"

* * *

Rianne had just gotten showered and dressed herself.   
Jay had only been gone like half an hour, when her phone chimed with a new message from him.  
It made her smile that he was obviously thinking about her even if they had just parted ways. On the other hand it shouldn't come as a surprise because it was exactly the same for her. Whenever she wasn't with him he still was on her mind.

**_"Hey, I know I am probably being overprotective, but could Stella pick you up at my place and you keep me in the loop when you're done? I would feel better if you weren't out on your own today, sorry."_ **

_"Okay, that can be arranged. Just because you asked so nicely."_

**_"Thank you xxx!"_ **

Wow, just complying got her three kisses.

Although she didn't share his concerns to that extent, Rianne cleared things with Stella and set up for a time to meet, already feeling so much better at the prospect of spending the day with her and doing normal stuff. Besides probably talking and talking and talking things over some more…   
Rianne knew that she always felt more sorted and lighter after their girl-time. Stella had suggested getting little beauty-treats in too as she hadn't really had time to pamper herself lately and because she thought a new haircut or some new color would be a good way to deal with the newest development in her friend's life:

"Let's handle this like a break-up. Reframe it and make the best of it. And the best way to make the most out of a break-up is the reinvention of oneself!" Those had been her exact words.

Rianne was basically game, but just to be safe she decided to check with Jay. Not that she would listen to him at all costs if he was against it, but she wanted at least try and be more considerate. Also she was curious what he was like concerning some classic relationship sandtraps:

_"You one of the guys who throws a tantrum when his girlfriend gets a new haircut? Just want to be prepared…"_

He didn't answer by text, he called her two minutes later:

"Me throwing a tantrum because you're getting your hair done? You really think I am three sometimes, do you?" He was laughing in that deep chuckle that warmed her from the inside.

"How would I know? The exciting thing about this new thing between us is that we haven't done some things for the first time, so I don't know how you will react if I get my hair cut or my nipples pierced or a nose job…"

"As long as it's nothing too extreme like shaving your head: Do your thing babe! After all I guess you would make even that look good. I'll seriously wanna talk to you about the nose job though…"

"Jay, we're rolling out…" Someone called out to him in the background.

"Is Kim going on a manhunt?" Rianne couldn't help herself and voice her concerns out loud.

If she was pregnant on her job she'd be confined in her office and not make any external visits and appointments.

"Not a manhunt, but they're on their way to do some surveillance! She and Upton can handle themselves. Why?"

Too late she remembered that the unit didn't know about Kim's pregnancy yet and so Jay was still in the dark about it. Shit! She hoped that he wouldn't get suspicious now.

"No reason…"

"Right… Something you wanna tell me?"

That man's instincts and sensitivity were a pain in her ass sometimes. Quickly she changed her tone to an easy-going sing-song:

"What? No, I was just curious what you guys are up to today. So, call me later with the details of our date?"

* * *

Sylvie Brett also tagged along when Stella called up to Jay's apartment and the girls made their way on foot to the shops on Milwaukee and W North Ave. It was nicely cold but dry out and the fresh air in their lungs was heaven.

Rianne didn't mind the company of the third woman as she generally liked the lively and kindhearted paramedic of Ambulance 81. She was sort of rooting for her and Matt to get their act together. Some deep friendship roots had been growing for a while now between those two and Stella and Rianne had detected something like sparks flying on occasion and deep looks whenever the other one wasn't watching.  
As they were all invited to Will's and Natalie's wedding the question on what to wear needed to be answered so they found themselves browsing through each and every possible store, having a ball to dress into things they would never get, but were fun to look at and try out.

After their shopping spree and blowouts and hairstyle-changes that pretty much took all day, the three girls settled down at a booth at the busy coffee house "The Wormhole" Sylvie had been raving about. It had a nice nostalgic vibe to it with sort of a Sci Fi, 80's movies theme, and offered some pretty wild latte flavors that they indulged in. Of course it also wasn't an option to bail on some pastry on the side. Rianne thought that she hadn't had a day like this in a lifetime and kept running her fingers through her somewhat shorter, silky-soft hair, now colored in a balayage rose gold chocolate mauve way. All of their hair looked film diva gorgeous, at least it would for the lasting hours of the day.

When her phone beeped in her pocket she quickly pulled it out, thinking it might be Jay telling her how long he'd be, but to her dismay it was Nate texting her.  
Stella and Sylvie had been filled in on everything in between rows of dresses and putting on new shoes. So when they saw Rianne's face fall at reading the messages on her phone they made the connection that it could only be him:

"What's he saying?" Stella demanded to know, already in a 'if he's going to do one more stupid thing I am going to come after him' mode.

"That he's sorry what happened yesterday. 'Please can we talk and make things right?'…"

"Yeah, right…." Sylvie scoffed.

"'I really need to talk to you, please can we go back. I need you in my life'..." Her heart sank at just reading this. It brought those insecurities on how to deal with this back up.

"Yada, yada, yada! Hun, I'm telling you: Be careful, don't go and talk to him. What else would he have to say? **What** could he possibly say to make you forgive him for what he put you through yesterday? To me it sounds just like a ruse to get you on your own again. I am sorry, but it reminds me pretty much of my Grant-Drama all over. Jay should be careful. You know how much Kelly was in danger at that time."

If Rianne remembered correctly it had ended with her ex-husband in the psych-ward. Surely this wasn't like this?

"I don't know. Nate's a little off the wagon right now, but he's not stupid. Jay's a cop, if he hurt or threatened him in any way, he'd get arrested. Nate would lose his job and he could never work as a social worker again. This really matters to him."

"Just saying… I'd keep my distance for now. I fear Jay's gut feeling to not let you out of his sight is right. I wonder what causes people to come unhinged all of a sudden."

For a moment the sullen feeling was back and Rianne stirred in her honey bear latte for a while, trying to push it away. She wished someone would tell her it was all a joke or that she would wake up from this bad dream. If only there wasn't the part of the dream that she didn't want to wake up from…

When Sylvie left to prepare for a night out with Emily Foster a while later, Stella stayed and kept Rianne company until Jay showed.

"So, where's he taking you tonight?"

"I don't know, he wouldn't say." Rianne was chewing her bottom lip in thought, which didn't go unnoticed by Stella.

"Alright, if you somehow got stuck on our earlier conversation and you're thinking that Nate could be right about anything he said about you and Jay: Stop it! He is not, he just doesn't want to see what everybody else in their sane mind is seeing! I meant what I said last week at Molly's: You and Jay are disgustingly, envy-arousingly good together. When I look at you I see the full program: Marriage, kids, house in the woods, weekend barbecues. I know you said you never want to get married again and the kids thing could be a problem too, but I'm just saying: There's something about you two… I might add I knew it from the start. You just feel and counterbalance each other, it's rare and it's special. I won't even start with the sex vibes you're oozing out…" Stella sassily winked at Rianne, making her crack a smile and groan in frustration that she was even having the smallest doubts like Stella had suspected.

Those mind-games really were a bitch. Grabbing her friend's hands she leaned closer over the table and looked at her pleadingly:

"I have one urgent request: Please tell me if I ever loose myself with him? Because right now that's my only fear. I hear what you're saying and I can't deny that it's exactly what it feels like to me and then some. It's an all-consuming, hot burning rush when we're together and at the same time it's just so natural and at ease, as if we know each other without knowing everything. I can't really describe it because I don't have the words for it and you know me - I'm normally good with words! I don't have too much experience to go on but I would say that I have never fallen in love so deep, so quickly…it fucking scares the..."

"Ladies…" They were interrupted by a shadow falling on their table suddenly, followed by a familiar wave of male cologne.

"Jay…looking sharp…" Stella quickly recovered from their private conversation being cut short and nodded at their visitor smilingly, noticing his unusual attire.

Unusual because it was a little different from his day-to-day work and 'out-at-Molly's' clothes.  
Obviously Jay had gone home first before coming here. Rianne wondered if she should have gotten dressed into something other than her short grey t-shirt dress over checkered tights and that long woolen cardigan. She gave him a once-over and found her face getting a little hotter when she caught his warm stare on her too. She wondered how much of their talk he had witnessed.  
He looked absurdly handsome in a sand colored biker-jeans and a dark-blue tight-fit jeans-shirt with red buttons and a leather bordered breast pocket. Her highlight was the dark blue Carhartt beanie he was wearing against the evening cold. In that outfit he didn't really stand out in this hipster joint. Jay fit right in, especially since he was sporting brown suede, slightly open, leather boots instead of his usual black ones. To Rianne it meant the world that he had chosen to wear something different, something she hadn't seen on him, for their evening out.

"You've been shopping too?" she teased him and scooted over to make room for him.

"No, just found some things I didn't know I even had when I made space for your stuff in my closet last night." He slid into the booth next to her, pulling her into his side and kissing her cheek.

"What else did **you** get? New tattoo too maybe?" Jay grinned at her in that sexy goofy way, eying and playing with her new haircut as well as taking in the bags from "Fluevog", "Lost Girls Vintage, "Seek" and "Una Mae's" at their feet.

"No, but I was actually thinking about it in the near future…"

Jay had an espresso with them, catching up on PD and Firehouse news with Stella. Rianne liked that her and Jay got along fine and relaxed at his side. While she was running her hand over his knee she stopped suddenly and couldn't believe what her fingertips found. Jay must have noticed her grabbing on to the fabric abruptly, turning around to her, his eyes alert, thinking there must be something seriously wrong:

"What? What's happening?"

"Your jeans are torn at the knee…" she whispered incredulously.

"Yeah, the other knee's got a whole too. I have the suspicion it was done with intent. What's your take on it?" he whispered conspiratorially followed by a Jay eyebrow-raise and side-smirk, her heart pumped a little more blood through her body.

"It's hot!" She kissed him on his half-open mouth on impulse, before going back to just watching his smiling face.

Rianne couldn't really explain why she was so turned on by this, it was a simple torn jeans.

"Okay, that's my clue… Guys, it was a pleasure." Stella got up from her seat with a laugh and snapped them out of their loaded staring.

Jay and her got up too, Rianne hugging Stella tightly to her chest:

"Thanks for everything baby!"

"Don't mention it, you have a nice evening love-birds!" It almost sounded like an order.

* * *

"So… I made reservations at 'The Delta'. I think it might just be your style and that you'll like it," Jay announced to her once they went outside too after Stella had left.

"Oh wow, I feel special now…"

"It's because you are!" He pressed a quick kiss to her temple and tucked her under his arm.

"Also I liked what you said before: that maybe it's time to treat ourselves to something nice after everything that's happened…"

'The Delta' was a restaurant and bar, only a ten minute walk from where he had picked Rianne up from her now declared "new favorite coffee place".  
Jay had been there once or twice with his brother, but never on a date. It was not like the fancy restaurants one would find elsewhere in this city, but had a special vintage interior design, a laid-back environment and a delicious menu. It was an ode to the food and culture of the Mississippi Delta region.  
Jay's mouth had been watering at the thought of their specialties, hot tamales and varieties of fried food, all day since he'd thought of taking Rianne there tonight and being so lucky as to get a last minute reservation. The place was regularly overbooked, especially on the weekends.  
Having put all her shopping in his truck that he'd parked down the street, they sauntered to the joint holding hands, enjoying this newness of going out to dinner on a Saturday night.

Inside the place was already packed with a lot of people out dining. Jay was happy they got an end table at the window front looking out to the outside patio, which was nice in the summers.  
He took great pleasure in seeing Rianne's eyes light up at the special decor, brick walls and picture frames and her cozying up in the corner spot on the bench seat upholstered with vintage patterned brocade. Jay was glad he'd been right about her liking it because it was sophisticated understatement and designed comfort. Just like the food, which they ordered plenty of in every possible variation, accompanied by two fancy cocktails they toasted their first official date with.  
It was strange to take a woman out only now, after already having gone through several tough emotional predicaments together. To him it made it even more exceptional.  
As usual she made him forget about everything else just by having that special sparkle in her eyes and being able to get him to engage in those silly "what would you do if you had to choose: be a cowboy or an astronaut for all your life?" conversations.   
Tonight they found that there were also some things, maybe even worthy first date topics, they hadn't covered yet:

"I'm sure you have like four middle names…" Jay said between munching on his hush puppies with relish.

Rianne just sipped her drink and smiled secretively, reaching over with her fork to steal some of his food. He didn't mind as he had done the same several times throughout the evening.

"Am I right?" he insisted.

"Not quite… I got two middle names…from my two grandmothers. Kind of a stupid tradition."

"So come on: what's your full name? Is it embarrassing?"

She took a deep breath: "Rianne Ellen Maria Torres Delgado!"

Jay froze for a second, just looked at her and let his cutlery sink down on his plate for a moment:

"Did you say your second name's Ellen?" There was an aching in his heart, but also a tingling warmth spreading through him.

"Yeah… my Dutch grandmother's name…Why?" she stopped eating too and reached for his hand, already having noticed the moisture that was evident in his eyes when he caught her gaze again:

"It was actually my mother's middle name too." Jay entwined their fingers and Rianne squeezed his hand tight, running her thumb over his wrist.

"You never talk much about her…" She stated, it was an observation she wasn't wrong about.

But Jay couldn't help but feel that to her he might talk more about his mum one day. In this moment he didn't know if he should think of this as coincidence or fate. Somehow he had the feeling that Margaret **Ellen** Halstead was giving him a gentle nudge from up above.

"Someday I might…" he found himself muttering and it felt hopeful.

"So tell me about your middle-names then…" Rianne let go of his hand and continued finishing off her meal, sensing he wasn't ready to offer up anything more.

"I don't have any!" Jay grinned, knowing she wouldn't buy this for one second and glad that they'd changed the topic.

"Liar! You're from Irish descent, therefore you have to have had a catholic upbringing, so: middle-names…"

"I find some faults with that argumentation but…yeah, I was lying…It's 'Thomas' actually."

"That's not so bad… Jay Thomas Halstead… solid, JT! What's Will's then?" She must have known that he would gladly offer up something embarrassing on his brother:

"Yeah, right in comparison to him I got off lightly. His full name is William Raymond Halstead." They both chuckled at that.

"So your parents got all traditional on the first born and then went off the book, interesting. Are you familiar with the meaning behind your name?"

"I never looked it up, so I guess not…"

"Well I believe there is always something fascinating about this. So I've done my research…"

"And?" Jay had to stop his smile from getting wider and wider, almost making his face hurt.

He couldn't help but find her excitement for something so simple as a conversation about names adorable. And she had googled his name...

"Well, if it is short for James or Jason it would either mean 'healer' or 'may God protect' - something I'd find extremely fitting for you..."

"No, it's just simply Jay…"

"So, then **simply Jay** is even better because originally it is an Indian name. In Sanskrit Jay means 'victory'…or in Latin "joyful". Of course there is also door number three which would be: you're named after the Jaybird…my little birdie." She really dared to pinch his cheek in that moment.

A waiter cleared off their plates, so they had more space on the table. Jay took the chance to catch both her hands in his.

"So you must know the meaning behind your own name too and can't wait to tell me that as well…" It didn't really matter what she told him, he wanted to listen to her chattering away all night, shutting out all the background noises.

"Funny you would ask… of course: So, Rianne is a version of Rhiannon, which is of Welsh origin, or Riane or Ryan as the Irish and Gaelic folks would say. I thought it was always some sort of unconventional name for my parents to choose. My guess is my mother was a secret Fleetwood Mac fan with a wilder past than she leads on."

"Why Fleetwood Mac?"

"Oh Jay, you poor thing!" Her eyes bugged out of their sockets because she obviously couldn't believe he didn't know why.

Jay thought there was no need to pretend otherwise. He liked music, but he had never been good at keeping special songs and singers in mind. Never been a wild fan of anyone in particular. Will had always been the artistic one in the family, he had been more interested in sports and building things with his hands.

"We really have to work on your musical education. There's a pretty good song called "Rhiannon" the band wrote in '74. It's about a woman who is involved with a lot of birds and magic."

"So, what does it mean, your name?" Jay's eyes were glued to her lips.

"Great queen, goddess…" she giggled, maybe a bit embarrassed to say it out loud, but also eager to give him the full story:

"I can prove it, I didn't make this up! In Welsh mythology Rhiannon was the goddess of horses and maker of birds. She had three of them and when something was happening in war you would see Rhiannon come riding in on a horse. People would black out on her arrival and when they woke up the danger would be gone, you'd see the three birds flying off and hear this little song, the song of Rhiannon..."

Jay found himself nodding, assessing her face, a little blush had crept up her cheeks. Never had he found a name so fitting for a person, his chest felt suddenly very tight.

"I would have expected nothing less…" he mouthed, placing a kiss over the knuckles of her left hand. She sure was his queen of hearts.

* * *

"Is it inappropriate to ask you to come over here?"

Jay was too far away for her taste. Thankfully he didn't think it was inappropriate to cuddle up in the small space on the bench together after desert. She was super sated, maybe even on the verge of too full, but this had been worth every sinful bite. Watching Jay enjoy his food and being laid-back was a thing to behold and love anyway.

"Thank you for a delicious dinner... I really enjoyed it." She hugged him to her once he had settled in to her left.

"I'm glad and you're welcome... you still got some leftovers on your face…"

He wiped at the corner of her mouth with his thumb, then licked it clean. His hand lingered then on her neck, eyes boring deep into hers before his lips softly touched hers in an intimate and yet chaste way. He breath hitched in her throat and she asked herself how in a crowd full of people he could always make her feel like there was no one else there but him. That feeling, his physical presence and warmth and all those butterflies in her stomach screamed at her: This was right. This was the right man to be with! He was really everything she wanted!

"Wanna go home?" he breathed, making the hairs on her neck stand up in anticipation of the promises in his voice.

He felt it too, the heat that was simmering between them, making their bodies hum in unison. Home sounded pretty good right now. She nodded and they turned around to wave over a waiter to get the cheque. When Rianne glanced to the entrance her heart stopped for a second in recognition of who had just walked into the restaurant.

"What is it?" Jay had caught on to her body stiffening in his arms immediately.

"It's Guilia… Andrea's sister…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole that line "Do your thing babe" from that unfortunately deleted Linstead scene, I know. I just couldn't resist, I thought it was so cute when Jay said that.  
> Somewhere along the way I will make some leaps in time, but for now I just had too much fun writing this little starting of something new for JR. You can see by how long it got that I got carried away with them - again.


	34. Lay Your Head On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Lay Your Head On Me" by Marcus Mumford, Major Lazer and Diplo

"We can just leave real quick, maybe she hasn't seen you yet…" Jay suggested.

It had been Rianne's first thought too, just get out of here and flee, schedule this somehow unavoidable encounter for sometime in the future, when she felt overall more settled. But hearing him say it out loud she knew: No, she would feel worse if she backed out now. Hadn't she just told him the story of a fearless queen who was sort of her namesake?

"Feels stupid and gutless, so not my style. It's funny, because I texted her this morning if she'd be free for lunch next week. Thought it would be a good plan to come out to one part of the family first, take it step by step." Rianne sighed and hesitated for a moment, watching Guilia and her date, a man she had never seen before, sit down at a table at the other end of the restaurant.

Not that far away that she couldn't have made her if she just changed her perspective a bit.

"I'm gonna go over there…" Rianne braced herself, squeezing Jay's hand one last time, unwilling to leave his side.

Now she would find out for sure if she was loved for herself or just as the widow of Andrea diVarese by the members of his family.  
Anyway, Guilia was probably her best option as she had always liked her best and was maybe the most open minded one in the family. But she was also a good friend of Nate's, that could be a definite problem. All the more reasons to either cut the ties right now than prolong the hurt, if it was meant to go south. She didn't even know what she was going to say to her.

* * *

Jay got the cheque and their coats, then waited at the bar for Rianne to either storm out of there with him or give him some sign that the coast was clear. He was really nervous on her behalf, somehow also on his. Every person that wasn't on board with them being together seemed to be a trial of their love's strength and a quest for his self-perception. On the other hand every battle won felt like them getting closer and stronger, it was like gaining or losing life-points in a video game. He snorted at the stupid simile that came to his mind.  
Worriedly he glanced at Rianne and the woman who had gotten up from her seat at the arrival of her sister-in-law (did one still call each other that after one's partner had died?) and engulfed her in a long affectionate hugs-and-kisses dance. So far, so good! Now they had been lost in conversation for a while, gesticulating madly. Jay didn't know what this meant, he guessed if they were talking in Italian it could still be a friendly exchange of words. Rianne had her back to him so he couldn't read her face.  
Finally she turned around, her eyes succeeding in finding him quickly. She waved him over to her, a small smile on her lips. A weight lifted from his shoulders as he eagerly strode to the table at the back.

"Jay? This is Guilia and her date…"

"Tate!" The woman with the straightest nose he had ever seen, introduced her date, a curly haired blonde football-player type, who was looking a little lost.

Probably the encounter between the two women bewildered him a bit. Whatever they had talked about it sure looked like he was completely clueless what was happening here.

"Hi, I'm Jay. Nice to meet you!"

Jay shook hands with Guilia and Tate, trying to come across calm and collected, friendly. This was not "meeting the parents" yet he tried to remember, but still...  
He recognized Guilia's face from Nate's birthday party now. She looked like snow-white with that perfect complexion of pale skin and the straight long black shock of hair, lips painted in a deep, yet tasteful red. He didn't notice that he was equally assessed by her, but after a short while of studying his features and appearance she nudged Rianne's shoulder and gave her an appreciative nod, her voice deep and husky:

"Che mi venga un colpo! Che bel ragazzo!" Guilia's grey eyes widened at Jay once more.

"Lui è mio!" Rianne laughed and reached for Jay, he tucked her into his side.

Not sure what was being said, but guessing it seemed to be friendly teasing, he let his hand wander to her hip, she put hers over his and held on. This so felt like a first date now including all the jitters.

"So nice to meet you too Jay, I hope you know how lucky you are to get to take out our little perlina," the other woman addressed him in English, a sexy Italian accent audible.

He didn't really know what 'perlina' meant, but he guessed it was a term of endearment for Rianne who had shuffled even closer into him now.

"Believe me, I know!" He said with a smitten glance at the woman in his arms.

"So, have you guys been here before?" Jay gestured around him and tried to reign Tate into the conversation too, feeling a little sorry for the guy in the corner, who was watching their exchange like a tennis match.

"No, but Rianne already told me it's delicious. You guys wanna join us for an aperitivo? Or should I say: 'bicchiere della staffa' for you?"

"It means a nightcap!" Rianne explained to Jay, then turned to Guilia again:

"I think we might wanna get home actually, I've had so much to eat I feel like I need to lie down!"

Jay rubbed her hip in silent thanks for not making them stay longer than necessary. The perception of the news seemed to have gone down well, but still it was best to take things one step at a time. Besides, he really wanted to have Rianne to himself tonight, she must've felt the same. Tate looked a little relieved too that they weren't going to impose on their date-night any longer.

"Yeah, sure! So maybe another time? Call me about next week!" Guilia kissed Rianne on both cheeks first, then continued to do the same to Jay, taking him by surprise, holding him at arms-length afterwards and speaking to Rianne in Italian once more.

He couldn't help but feel a little like a horse at an auction sale.

"E lui è un agente? Capirai!" She let him go with that look of astonishment she had worn earlier, shaking her head.

"Si, al momento non mi manca niente!" Rianne said, also looking up at Jay and resting her head against his shoulder.

Guilia ran her hands over her cheek, her eyes glistening emotionally:

"Sono felice per te! Ciao mia gioia! Abbi cura di te!"

* * *

Rianne felt like she had been holding her breath in disbelieve while they exited the restaurant and made the short walk back to the truck. Jay's touch around her waist kept her grounded. He had waited patiently for her to say something, sensing she needed a minute to process what had just happened. When they had reached their ride she halted abruptly and turned to him, a stunned laugh on her face:

"Could you maybe pinch me right now?"

Jay amusedly did as he was told by nipping her ribs. She flinched away because it tickled, but still Rianne couldn't believe she wasn't dreaming. This had gone far too well.

"No, one more time, maybe harder!"

So Jay nipped both her sides, probably still holding back to not hurt her seriously, but this time it was uncomfortable and made her jump:

"Ouch, okay… thank you! Still I find it hard to believe what just happened…"

'Sometimes the things we're most afraid of end up being pretty harmless', she thought to herself.  
Looking up into Jay's happy face, her own emotions mirrored in his eyes, she threw her arms around him and backed him into the truck, kissing him enthusiastically.

"Seriously, best - date - ever!" Rianne touched his lips one last time, before she buried her head against his chest. It was quickly becoming one of her favorite places to let herself relax and calm down.

"So what did she say to you?"

All the different languages she spoke were just so familiar to her that she took it for granted to be able to understand everything. Of course it wasn't self-evident for everyone.  
Pulling Jay's beanie over his ears, letting her hands linger around his neck afterwards, she translated for him:

"Basically she said that you're seriously hot and easy on the eyes and that she can't believe you're a cop. That she's happy for me and I should take care of myself!"

"Must be the torn jeans that has women go into raptures over me…" Jay mused and grinned at her boyishly making her laugh.

There really had been no hint of judgement, not a wink of disappointment in Guilia's eyes the minute Rianne had sprung all the information on her before she would lose her nerve. She had told her that she was here with her new boyfriend, having been nervous to tell them because she didn't wanna disrespect Andrea's memory or make it seem like she wanted to forget about everything, that this was all so new for her. Guilia had stopped her rambling right there. Seemed that her sister-in-law had suspected something was up for a while now and had waited for Rianne to come to her when she was ready.

"I hope it's fine with you that I didn't wanna stay and have a drink with them? I was kinda overwhelmed and sort of wanted this time for ourselves…"

Jay silenced her by kissing her tenderly: "I'm totally fine with that - I'd be happy to do this another time though…"

"You would?"

"Yeah, sure why not? They're still your family, right? Why wouldn't I want to get to know them if you want me to?" He opened the passenger side for her gallantly, holding out his hand to her.

Grabbing on to it Rianne pressed her lips to his knuckles:

"Rephrasing my earlier praise: Best - **boyfriend** \- ever!"

Feeling light-hearted and tingly she got in, taking a moment to thank the universe that luck had been on her side today. And the evening wasn't even over.

* * *

Jay made a whole a-do once they had reached his house, stopping her in front of his door, setting down all her shopping bags and extracting a little package out of his jeans-pocket. She wondered if it had been there all night or if he'd gotten it from the truck, because he had fumbled around with some things in the front while she had gotten her shopping from the backseat.

"What's that?" she asked, suddenly nervous.

"Open it," he smiled, somehow nervous too.

He put his hands in his jeans-pockets after giving the box to her, bobbing up and down on his heels.  
Another first: Until now they hadn't gotten each other gifts. Apart from buying meals or coffee that was. So what could this be?  
Inside the box there was a single key with a beautiful pendant, consisting of the letter 'R' made out of hard wax with pressed flower petals and golden sprinkles in it. Rianne looked at Jay, somehow mystified and slowly took the key out of the box.

"It's for my place," Jay hurried to explain, not able to bear the silence any longer.

But it wasn't the gesture alone that had Rianne lost for words.

"This is strange... I was actually looking at the exact same pendants today when we were out shopping and told Stella how much I liked them..."

"Is that so?" Jay raised his eyebrows and acted all serious.

Something in his eyes sparkled with mischief and made the penny drop:

"You conspired with her again!" she exclaimed, having trouble to wrap her head around the fact that he had been thinking this far ahead as to get Stella to pick a key chain for her, do it without her noticing and get it back to him somehow.

"How'd she give it to you? We were like together all the time..." she couldn't help but wonder.

Jay just shrugged his shoulders: "I think this will stay between Kidd and I for now. Do you like it?"

"I love it! Thank you, I really appreciate it!"

Her own key for his place felt like this was officially not only an emergency arrangement!

"Right, so after you," Jay motioned to the entrance and picked up all the bags again, eager to move on.

She found it funny and somehow adorable that he was so shy about this. The same man who took on criminals everyday blushed at something like giving this gift to her. Rianne pressed her lips to his softly before she tried if the new key would work.  
On the third floor she opened the door to his apartment as well, but before she went inside Jay ordered her to close her eyes. There were more surprises?  
For good measure he put his hands over them once he had put down the bags near the entrance, still leaving the whole place in the dark. Switching on the lights as he had led her further into the room he took his hands away. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her eyes immediately fell on a hanging chair, mounted to a ceiling beam, facing one of the windows looking out to the street. She didn't know what to say, covering her mouth with her hands:

"OMG!"

"I thought it would help make you feel more at home… I know it's not the same as your hammock, but…" Jay started sheepishly.

Rianne threw herself at him, squealing, shutting him up with several kisses, moisture in her eyes at his considerateness. He picked her up with one arm and she wrapped her legs around his waist to be able to cling on to him:

"Oh my god Jay! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's so, so sweet!"

"Yeah, I had a little help from Casey actually. Needed someone to make sure we wouldn't take down the ceiling if we hung it there… and we fixed the bathroom door temporarily as well…and I bought some groceries…" he responded to her kisses in a slower, more gentle way.

"My man! What's gotten into you, when did you do all this?"

"I just love you I guess…"

"Yeah, I love you too! So much actually... This is just perfect!"

Sometimes "generation and corruption", growth and decay, becoming and passing away were one.

* * *

Somehow she managed to get Jay into the newest living-room accessory with her, arguing that they had to at least test if it would carry them both like it was promised on the packing slip.  
Finally lying back in Jay's arms she wanted to catch that peaceful moment of a true new homey feeling and took a selfie of them. On her screen she could see that Jay had closed his eyes momentarily and hummed contently behind her. She felt his vibrations in her back.

"See, I told you it was cozy!" Rianne couldn't help but point out to him and kissed his cheek.

"Please note that I am just doing this for you! Really, it's not my thing, but I know you love it, so I got you one!"

She decided to let it go for now, sensing Jay wasn't really one who could cough up to changing his mind on things that easily, but she was certain he would admit it someday. To her it was great to feel this weightless, softly swinging from the ceiling, wrapped in a comforting blanket that carried her.  
A new message blinked on her phone, it was from Guilia. She smiled to herself while sharing it with Jay:

"Ha, Guilia just texted! Says that running into us actually made her evening and it seems to stay the most exciting thing about it, because 'Tate the Date' is just dull…"

She typed a short reply while Jay kissed her shoulder and she felt him grinning as well. Then his voice suddenly sounded a little alarmed:

"Are those all texts from Nate?" He must've seen the most recent dates of his messages in her inbox when she had closed the chat with Guilia.

Of course those were the ones from today she hadn't deleted.

"Yep… apologies…and as Stella put it: Just some more 'yada yada yada'. No worries, I didn't text him back and I'm not going to. You can check if you want."

"I don't want to check your phone! Just please don't go off on your own again, meet with him or whatever? Could you just not? I know you are a strong and independent woman and I don't wanna take that from you, but like you don't want me to endanger myself more than I have to: I'm asking you to mark your own words!"

"I hear you and I won't do it."

"Good… Now I would like to make some suggestions on how to make this evening even more perfect..."

* * *

The last days of October went by quickly, Rianne and Jay were adjusting to their new living conditions and balancing their love-life in addition to an almost-back-to-normal work-schedule. Rianne had been dodging Nate's calls and texts for the past week and mostly managed to evade him at work. Sometimes it resembled a little like running the gauntlet, but it had worked for the time being. Still it didn't look like he would back up any time soon or even consider moving out of the loft. Rianne felt like her life was giving her no time to take a real breath at the moment, so she still didn't really know how she wanted to handle this moving forward. At the moment making things work with Jay was more important. And things with him were good! Living together for the time being was actually going smoother than she would have thought.

Saying that they had established a routine was too much too soon, everything was still so new. But they had managed to not feel cramped or boxed in yet even if there was very little space to escape to at Jay's place.  
Rianne had actually thought that she would miss the advantages of her home and her personal space soon, but that wasn't the case. It really mattered more that she would go to sleep and wake up with Jay every day, feeling loved, feeling safe. Hell they could have lived in her camper for all she cared.

Chicago weather had gone crazy once more. On those last actual October days it had started snowing like mad, covering the streets and buildings under a white blanket and causing traffic hiccups. There was always something magical about snow Rianne found and yet driving in this weather scared her at the same time due to her experiences. Playing it safe she had taken the 'L' to work today.  
Shivering in the afternoon cold and wishing she had found a thicker coat to wear today she went up to the group home she was headed to.

As soon as she entered the premises, there were children running around the house and around her, some already in costumes, some just joining in on the fun in plain clothes. She had actually come here to take some of the kids out for 'trick or treating' this Halloween night. The house had been understaffed for the past days, making it impossible for the social-worker on shift to go out with a bunch of wild kids on her own. So when visiting two of the kids she had put up in that home last week, Rianne's heart had gone soft when hearing about the bad news that the kids had to stay in tonight without an adult to accompany them, at least those too young to go by themselves in this neighborhood. So here she was. Her phone rang before she reached the staff's office and as usually a smile spread on her face at seeing Jay's name and recently added picture pop up:

"Hi favorito! What's up?"

"Where are you right now?"

"What? Sorry, I can't hear you…" Everybody was just too excited around here to have a proper phone conversation.

"What the hell is going on there?"

"I'm sorry, let me step away for a bit…" Rianne went down a corridor she knew led to some bureaus.

"I'm preparing to go trick or treating…" she laughed into the phone, imagining Jay's nonplussed face on the other end.

"Say what now?"

"You heard me right…," she shortly explained why she was doing this.

"So, I am the softie at heart, huh?" he laughed.

"Yeah, I know... don't rub it in. So when do you get off?"

"Maybe in an hour, when I've filed all of today's paperwork… I'm done with the quiet. I was looking forward to maybe getting some dinner with you, but if you're busy…"

Not liking the disappointment in his voice she suggested he pick her up and join them somewhere along the way. She wouldn't have expected him to say yes, but he did.

* * *

Jay hurried down the stairs of the district a little later, a spring in his step because he couldn't wait to see Rianne out in action with the Halloween kids. Hailey accompanied him, filling him in on the details of their latest bust. He was clinging to the stories his colleagues told him these days, fed up with being stuck behind a desk and living off their adventures. Atwater had joked that they should consider making him a diary for the time being so that he would feel more included. Next week he hoped he was back to see some real action he hoped, just one more check-up tomorrow.

Laughing at something Hailey said about how stupid today's perpetrator had been, Jay's face immediately darkened when he noticed the figure creeping around his car:

"Great…" Jay sighed, straightening his posture.

The other man had now seen him approach as well and got up from where he had been leaning casually against Jay's truck, a fake smile on his lips. It was clear that he was here for him.  
Jay felt the urge to just put him in his place getting stronger. How could he just turn up here grinning like an idiot, after the number he had pulled on his girlfriend and the stalker attitude he had since then adopted? He stopped in his tracks and considered his next move.

"Would you take that for a moment?"

He handed Hailey his gun and badge, wanting to be on the safe side. One could never know. Concerning guns in false hands he had learned his lesson the painful way.

"Yeah, sure… but Jay…" Hailey tried to stop him, confusion and worry in her voice, but there was just no way he was letting the opportunity of telling Nate Ruzek to his face what he thought of him pass him by.


	35. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any Chicago PD, Fire or Med Characters, only my OCs!
> 
> Chapter Title "Alone" by Whispering Sons

"What are you doing here?" Jay bellowed at Nate.

"I just wanna talk… have a friendly chat?"

"A friendly chat?" That guy really had some nerve, Jay put his guard up higher.

"Yeah, a friendly chat just to kindly inquire what gives you the right to brain-wash Rianne, so that she won't talk to me anymore… dodge my calls, my texts… it's very unlike her. So I can't help but wonder what you might have said to her…" Nate's tone was nonchalant, like they really were having a friendly chat.

Jay didn't buy it for a second, they were anything but friends. Also he couldn't believe the twisted perception of the situation on Nate's side:

"Man, you can't be serious! Maybe you shouldn't have come on to her like you did and acted like a complete jackass for weeks… ever thought about that? She makes her own decisions about who she talks to, she doesn't need either one of us for that…"

Not that he hadn't an opinion about it, but Jay hadn't exactly forced her into cutting ties with Nate. Though talking to him now only confirmed every suspicion he'd had about that guy from the very beginning.

"I was just being honest! For the record: she digs that - honesty, you know? Or at least she used to." The other man was fumbling with a pack of smokes.

"Well, if that's what you wanna call it, fine. Now how about you respect her wishes, move out of her home and let her be?"

"How about **you** mind your own business, officer!" Nate casually lit the cigarette he'd extracted, blowing out smoke in Jay's direction, eyes fixating on him now in an increasing hostile manner.

"It's Detective!" Still Jay couldn't help but point that out every time.

He had earned that rank and he thought it was insulting to address him as anything less. Especially when guys who were currently challenging him did it.

"Whatever! Since **you** made a move on her she's been acting weird. She's been distant, emotionally unstable and now she doesn't even talk to me anymore, so I think you turned her against me. And it's just so wrong, because she needs me more than she knows. You're not doing her any favors by keeping her from me."

Jay openly laughed at Nate: "Look man, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna have that conversation with you. She told you she's not in love with you and wants you to move out. She is with me now, so just quit the crazy act and let her live her life. If you truly were her friend you would just let her be happy."

It was like talking to a wall. How could one lose sense of reality like that? It was more like talking to a jealous and possessive ex-boyfriend than a so-called best friend.

"You know how it feels like? Watching someone you love walk down their road to ruin?" Nate was getting really close to Jay now, pushing against his chest with his hand, eyes boring into his:

"I can't let that happen. You are her road to ruin! Soon enough I will have to pick her up from bars, trying to keep her from drinking herself to death again!"

"Don't touch me man, really, don't! Just walk away!" Jay hated when someone invaded his personal space.

He felt his fists itching to punch his opponent, but tried to keep fighting it, taking a step back.  
This would get him into real trouble, not only with Rianne. He knew she wasn't on board with solving things like that. Still his body was on high alert and he couldn't deny that he thought it would certainly feel very good and satisfying to teach Nate a lesson and wipe that stupid expression off his face. He was assessing Nate's bodyweight and height. The other man was slightly towering over him, but not really built that muscular, he could easily take him if he wanted to. Somewhere in the back of his mind Jay knew this wasn't good. That guy was pressing all the right buttons and knowing it.

"No, you walk away! **You** walk out of her life, just leave her alone. You're no good for her! Andrea's turning in his grave seeing the two of you canoodling around! You couldn't live up to him if you tried!"

Funny that Nate still seemed to justify his actions by pretending he was only protecting his best friend's wife, when in reality he had his own interests in mind.

"Oh, and I am sure you can?" Jay sneered at him, fuming inside.

"Come one guys, stop it!" Hailey tried to insert herself now, stepping closer to them, but Jay ignored her.

He knew he should really walk away from this, but he couldn't. There was a certain fascination with how Nate's mind worked. The poison from his words was slowly dripping into Jay's system, his overall body tension steadily increasing. Nate was taking another drag from his cigarette, still etching closer to Jay:

"It's been me and her right from the start. I know what she needs, I know everything about her! She's going to see reason real soon, so why don't you do us all a favor and speed up the process, so everything can go back to how it was. You've had your fun, you can get yourself any other pretty little girl. Maybe Rianne didn't tell you, but she won't play house with you forever, she will never settle down like that! Just take the win that you screwed someone so out of your league and back off!"

"Someone so out of my league?" Jay was laughing incredulously.

What the hell was that lunatic talking about? And what was all the talk about him being Rianne's way to ruin anyway? Which woman were they talking about here? Obviously Nate was still under the illusion that this was just about sex and having some fun together.

"You're fucking nuts man. I sure as hell won't walk away to leave her with a sicko like you. You actually know nothing about her, about us!" Jay noticed he was shouting at Nate now, feeling a vein throb in his temple.

His jaw was already hurting because he was pressing his teeth together so hard. In his back he felt Hailey closing in on them again, muttering his name to get him to calm down and back away, but it was only a faint noise that didn't really reach him at this point. Especially when he heard the next words leaving Nate's mouth:

"I know bro, she's a freaking bomb in the sack," Nate started to talk in a conspiratorial tone now, his eyes twinkling madly, Jay already exploding in the inside.

"But believe me: once that little whore inside her has had her fun she'll leave your sorry ass. From what I could hear she's faking it with you anyway… So once she comes crawling to me, begging for me to take her back, I'm gonna show her how it's like to be with a real man!" He flicked away his cigarette stump and spat out next to Jay's feet.

That was the final straw! Jay had been speedily inching closer to snapping as soon as the word "whore" in connection with Rianne had fallen from Nate's mouth. But after that splash of saliva only just failed to land on his boots, his vision closed in on Nate's smug face for a second. Before he could reign himself in, because he knew this was incredibly stupid and of course only playing into the other man's cards, Jay threw a forceful punch. His fist connected with Nate's nose hard, an awful crunching sound announcing that he had probably broken something.

His own angry grunt and Hailey's shocked "Jay, don't!" echoing in the aftermath.  
She threw her tiny frame against him and shoved him backwards a few feet.  
Blood immediately ran over Nate's lips and chin, dripping into the snow beneath his feet, leaving red dots on pure white and dirty grey snow. Jay prepared for a reverse punch, breathing heavily, ready to put up a fight and settle this matter once and for all, but his opponent just smirked, eerily calm, like he had won the lottery:

"Thank you very much **Detective**! I think that's officially called assault…. I'll have my complaint filed a.s.a.p.!"

Jay stared at him, bewildered. The Ruzek cousin made a half-turn, letting the blood from his nose run freely, not even bothering to wipe it away. He only was licking his lips quickly before he added pointing at Jay:

"I'm gonna keep making your life a living hell, if you don't break up with her!"

"That a threat, huh?" Jay went after him, but Nate didn't engage and kept smiling self-complacently, walked away to his car parked on the other side of the street and flipped Jay off.

This sent yet another hot jolt of anger through his gut. That fucking prick! Jay made an attempt to follow that little punk, when suddenly he felt Hailey's strong grip on his arm again:

"Jesus Jay, let him go! Don't make this worse!" she screamed at him, snapping him out of his angry haze for a moment.

"He started it! Hell Hailey you heard him… Fuck!"

"Yeah, he got you exactly where he wanted you," his partner stated matter-of-factly.

Now that the heavy adrenaline was wearing off he started to feel the throbbing pain in his hand where his knuckles had connected with Nate's face. He put his other hand around it protectively.

"What the hell happened?" Adam suddenly stormed out of the back-entrance to Intelligence, alarmed by the commotion.

"You should keep your damn cousin in line, dude!" Jay yelled at him, in his agitation only seeing the resemblance of Adam's to Nate's face now.

"What he do now?" Adam threw his hands up in the air, his tone angering Jay to no end.

It sounded more like he was talking about a stupid schoolboy who acted out a prank than a complete lunatic who had just threatened him and would probably cause some career headaches for him.

" **What he do now**? You got to be kidding me…."

"Jay! Walk it off!" Hailey violently pushed against his chest, before he could clock another Ruzek today.

He hadn't even noticed that he had been prowling towards Adam. Shocked by his low impulse control Jay decided to listen to Hailey and her blue eyes that were pleading with him, so he turned on his heel to walk around the block. Well, happy Halloween!  
When Jay was under the impression he had calmed himself down enough to think straight he returned to his truck. Hailey was still there, obviously waiting on him. Adam on the other hand and everybody else who had been hanging around, had disappeared.

"He's going to try and talk to Nate again," Hailey informed him, without Jay needing to ask.

His partner was perceptive like that. He found he couldn't say anything for a while, just tried to come to terms with the new mess he made.

"You all right?" Her soft voice and her hand on his shoulder brought him back from a dark place his mind had momentarily wandered off to and he nodded at her.

"Yeah, thanks… I…"

"I got your back Jay, we'll figure this out. Maybe Adam will get him to back off and don't file that complaint. Otherwise we'll find another solution, we always do."

Her words comforted him, he knew he could trust her with this.

"You sure you need the drama though?" Hailey then said, sort of hesitatingly, but he had heard her.

She also had that certain look on her face where she was feeling him out.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Why was he getting the impression that he had to defend himself?  
He crossed his arms over his chest. Just now he felt that his jacket was completely soaked because of the constant snowflakes falling down from the sky. A shiver went through him. This was supposed to have been a cosy evening curled up with his woman on the couch, looking forward to go see some action out on the streets tomorrow.

"Nevermind…" Hailey scooped up a handful of snow, rolled it into a ball and handed it to Jay to put on his already swollen and angry red knuckles.

He took it and flinched at the ice-cold sensation on his skin. Still he was confused by the strange look Hailey gave him:

"D'you agree with Nate on this? You think I should break up with Rianne?" he asked her, shuffling his feet, feeling suddenly uncomfortable to talk about this with his her.

He needed to go see Rianne, he was probably already late.

"That's not what I said. I'm just worried, that's all… She kind of promised to not get you into trouble and this didn't look like no trouble. "

"It's not like she asked Nate to make me punch him. And I think I can handle my relationship just fine. It would be even easier if everyone backed off…"

Not wanting her to put more words, thoughts and ideas in his head that were probably going to make it spin faster than it already was, he curtly said goodbye to Hailey and drove off. What the hell had that been supposed to even mean? What had Rianne and Hailey been talking about and when?

* * *

"Tank you Mrs. TD, that was so much fun!"

That little curly-haired boy with the spiderman-costume almost didn't let her go by the end of their candy-crawl, his gap-toothed smile warming her heart and making her promise to visit again some time soon. He was just so adorable. One of those kids who got the motherly side in her surfacing with full force.  
Leaving all those happy faces in a sugar-rush, Rianne tried to not dampen her own mood by worrying why the hell Jay still hadn't shown up yet. Her phone had been on silent throughout the evening after she'd hung up with him and then her attention had been on the kids and their tour through the neighborhood. But she had checked it from time to time. No missed calls or texts, at least not from him.  
She was just about to call him and maybe prepare to be taking the 'L' back home to his apartment because she didn't want to be waiting out here in the dark and in the snow forever, when the familiar roar of Jay's truck approached suddenly. He pulled to a stop right next to her at the curb. The windows rolled down and a tense voice ordered:

"Get in! Now!"

Was this attitude supposed to be a Halloween prank?

"Oh hi babe, nice to see you! Sorry I'm late and that I didn't call to say that something came up. I'll make it up to you…" she mocked him from where she was standing, not liking the bossy tone and the overall aggressiveness he was giving out.

He didn't even crack a smile at her teasing, forehead creased in a dangerous way. It looked more like that 'Jay Halstead Detective face' than the one he normally reserved for her.

"Rianne, get in the truck! I'll explain later!"

When she still didn't move and crossed her arms defiantly he added a strained: "Please!"

Something wasn't right, she heard it in his voice. So she finally listened, huffing and rolling her eyes when she sat down next to him. The snow had begun to fall even heavier now.  
Jay just drove off without explaining, he seemed to be adamant to get home as fast as possible. All her questions on what was going on were ignored, so she decided to ignore him too. Rianne had noticed that he sometimes just was in a mood he couldn't snap out of so easily. So she tried to give him time, even though it got her in a mood too. Her phone beeped with a new message.

Nate…

Every time his name popped up on her screen she felt a slight pain go through her. It was a mixture of several feelings all rolled into one. Rianne had not been able to block him from her contacts up until now. Maybe she was in denial that it was never going to be the way it was before and couldn't really let it go completely. And she felt somehow responsible for him. Not that she had the illusion she could help him right now, but there was just something still binding her to him.

With a guilty conscience because of Jay she opened the picture that was attached to his message:

_ "You really wanna be with someone who is capable of doing this?" _

It was a picture of Nate's face, a bloody nose, probably a black eye in the making.  
Rianne stared at the screen for a second, taking it in, in disbelief, her heart beating faster, a sick feeling in her stomach. Then she directed her stare at Jay's hands clenching the steering-wheel. How could she have missed that his right one was bruised and swollen?

"What did you bloody do Jay?" She held her phone under his nose so that he could see what she was looking at, making him shake his head angrily and exhaling loud and deep:

"Nate came to the station, we got into a fight… and yeah… I hit him!"

"Why?"

She didn't wanna believe this. But also she didn't have a single doubt that Jay was capable of doing such a thing, because he was. She was in love with a short-fused hot-head, much to her current annoyance.

"He said some awful things, about you, about us, he was right up in my face. I snapped…"

"Fuck Jay! It looks like you broke his nose! Did he hit you too?"

She threw her phone back into her bag. She didn't wanna look at this evidence any longer.  
Instead she looked over at Jay's face, he was still watching the road but getting himself worked up. The muscles in his jaw tightening, whole body taut like a bow.

"No he didn't, but it's just so fucked up! He's going to file a formal complaint against me now for assaulting him. I think he was planning just that…" Jay's voice was a strange mixture of pent up frustration, anger and remorse.

He was going way faster than he should in this kind of weather. Rianne felt her fingers grabbing hold of the leather-seat beneath her.

"Why didn't you just walk away?"

"I couldn't. Girl, I won't even repeat the things he said… and I fucking can't believe he sent that picture to you! Why didn't you block him from your contacts? Are you still talking to him?" He threw her a proving sideways glance, the hurt flickering in his eyes narrowed in suspicion, sending a sharp pang to her gut.

 **He** was upset with **her**? She didn't do anything wrong.

"I told you he's still texting me, but I never answer, so don't look at me like I'm the one to blame here!" She was getting upset with him too now, because he was obviously doubting her.

"Did you somehow talk to Hailey by the way?" Jay seemed to be on a suspicious roll now.

'Here we go', she thought with an eyeroll at the mention of the other woman's name.

"I have talked to Hailey on some occasions, yeah. But what's that got to do with you punching Nate?"

"You know what's funny? You keep telling me I should stay out of your business and not get involved, that you are handling things and then you go behind my back and promise Hailey that you won't get me into trouble? Why are you two even talking about me?" Jay's voice was adapting a cynical note she didn't like at all.

"That's not what I said!"

Rianne couldn't believe that conversation was coming back to bite her in the ass now.

" **She** approached me at Molly's when we all were out last week. She told me I should think hard if I was up to the task of taking care of you and I told her that she should keep worrying about being your partner and leave the rest to me. I can't believe she twisted my words…"

What else had Hailey told Jay? Rianne could feel the blood pumping through her carotid.

"Why didn't **you** tell me about it?" Jay had that tight-lipped facial expression that sometimes still intimidated her, because it usually meant he was putting up walls.

Walls they had spent the last weeks breaking down with each other. They never should have left that loft-bubble... but then again Nate came and destroyed that little peace of heaven for them pretty much.

"Why should I? It was just a conversation between us women. She was the one meddling, but I know she's your partner, so I was handling it…"

"Again: You are **handling** it!" His voice was getting louder and louder, a hurt and angry animal in a four-wheel cage.

The air was getting thinner and thinner or so it felt like to her. Why was it suddenly hard to get enough oxygen?  
The snow kept falling, the windshield wipers barely able to keep up with the work, making a lot of squelching noises. When Rianne looked out of the window, drowning out the sound of Jay continuing to curse under his breath, there was a tunnel of snowflakes blocking her from seeing anything else but tiny white droplets tumbling down to the ground, mesmerizing and slowly swallowing everything.

"Jay, stop the car! I need some air," she heard herself say, but it felt like the words didn't come out of her own mouth. Like someone else uttered them.

"No, I'm not letting you get out now, we're not finished!"

Jay kept blowing off more steam, but Rianne wasn't listening anymore. The only thing she could feel was shortness of breath and the urge to just get out, a hissing sound in her ears, the walls closing in on her. The car had to stop, they had to stop fighting or something terrible would happen.

She yelled at him to stop for another time, the panic now taking over her every fibre, her fingers reaching for the door-handle to be ready to jump out if she had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So at least now you know how Jay handled Nate... I didn't wanna do anything too dramatic (yet), so I hope you're not disappointed. Just felt like Jay has just been recovering from a severe injury - he needs a little break that poor guy.


	36. Out Of Bounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to work something out in my head on how that whole Nate-debacle will continue, first off though Torstead/Halgado needs to work things out. I can safely say: This chapter is M rated.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or MED characters, only my own OC's!
> 
> Chapter Title "Out Of Bounds" by Amanda Marshall

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or MED characters, only my own OC's!**

* * *

Jay hit the steering-wheel in frustration. After that second agonizing high-pitched scream of hers to pull over, he had been afraid Rianne would resort to jumping out of the moving car if he didn't listen. So he had quickly pulled to a stop, she had gotten out in a haste and made it clear that she didn't want him to follow her.

After taking a few deep breaths himself he'd resorted to driving behind Rianne at a snails pace, watching her stomp further up the road through the white masses, breathing out clouds of warm air into the night sky. Jay was thankful they weren't on a speedway.  
He was sure it hadn't just been their argument that had gotten her so upset all of a sudden. They had been fighting at full speed, the streets dangerous and slippery with all that snow. It must have caused the exact kind of flash-back for her he had wanted to avoid. For once trying to keep himself in check his plan had been to have this conversation at home. He knew it had been bound to end in some kind of fight, so he had wanted her to be somewhere she felt safe. At least he hoped she still did feel safe with him now.  
Jay feared he might have made things worse by going off on her like that. Again he had not been able to control his temper when she had shown him that picture. Of course it had been a dick move on Nate's side, although not so surprising. That guy was a head-case and not playing a fair game.

"Do you need the drama though?" Hailey's words rang in his ears.

What was up with his partner laying into him like that? Maybe also not so surprising, given the fact something like this had been Hailey's fear when she had talked to him about Rianne at Molly's that one night. Or it was Hailey's concern in general that his big heart got him into trouble most of the time and he wasn't really looking out for himself.

Before he could decide on how to put a handle on things and make Rianne get back in the car with him, he saw her come to an abrupt halt under a lamp post. She was waiting for him to catch up. When Jay stopped the car beside her the door was jerked open. He saw that her make-up was a little smudged, implying she had been crying. Right now though she had built her walls up so high, that he didn't dare to comfort her or say that he was sorry. Also Jay was yet undecided for what exactly he wanted to apologize and what he thought had been justified to confront her with.

"It's fucking freezing and I'm too tired to walk to the next 'L' station in this weather. So, could we agree to put a stop to this argument until we get home and you not driving like a maniac?" Rianne asked and waited on his agreeing nod before she got in.

Seated then she looked straight out of the passenger window, making it clear she indeed wanted to put a stop to this and not talk at all. So Jay kept quiet too, clinging to the hope the word "home" out of her mouth elicited in him.

Upon their arrival Rianne headed straight for the freezer, making a lot of noise opening and shutting doors. A boiling volcano waiting to explode. That fuming version of her, upset, angry, he could deal better with than sad, desperate and panicky.  
She had grabbed a bag of frozen mixed vegetables and slapped them onto his bruised hand, not very lovingly and still shooting daggers at him with her eyes, but the gesture almost made him smile, despite the tense atmosphere. Even when mad at him she cared.

She went to shrug out of her wet jacket, shoes and socks and put the kettle on, tangling her wet hair into a messy bun. He could hear the wheels in her head turning. Jay found himself muted, his brain jammed up because he didn't know where to start, so he concentrated on his still aching hand, now getting shock-frosted.  
Rianne scurried into the bathroom and returned with a funny looking flask and some ointment in her hands.

"Stick your tongue out!" she ordered, when she had counted exactly three globules out of the flask into her hand.

"What's that?"

"Arnica, helps with the swelling and if you'd still be in some kind of shock maybe that too. Maybe it also helps with that testosterone vibe too," her voice was no-nonsense, stern and snarky nurse style.

Only her eyes, now wiped clean of any make-up, had softened a little. Another thing he had learned about her in their time together: She really was into homeopathic and alternative medicine. Jay was rather sceptic of those and not really a believer, but thought it couldn't hurt more than it already did. So he obeyed.

"Don't swallow, just let them dissolve on your tongue. Now give me your hand!"

Jay took the almost melted vegetables off of it, let Rianne dry it off with a kitchen towel and rub some of that soothing ointment on it. He watched her fingers massage the balm onto his bruised limbs, gently this time, careful around the swelling, and he felt some of his overall tension ease up. She also took her sweet time with the task, longer than would have been necessary.

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you back in the car," she muttered under her breath while holding on to his hand.

Jay exhaled long and somewhat relieved. His worst fear, to not be able to break through the silence with someone, to not be able to talk to one another anymore, didn't really apply to them. Or maybe when the day came that it wasn't possible anymore, they were truly fucked up. Rianne never could go long without making him talk or speaking up on her behalf. No matter how much it might hurt or how hard it was for either of them.

"I'm sorry for making you feel unsafe," he answered, tentatively pulling her body closer to his with his with his other hand, glad that she let him.

"I'm sorry you got pulled into this! Tell me what he said to provoke you!"

Jay hesitated, screwing up his face in disgust at those hateful and poisonous words still ringing through his head:

"I'd rather not!"

The water boiler was done and making some hissing noises. Rianne got agitated again at his unwillingness to share.

"So then don't be upset that I didn't tell you what my conversation with Hailey was all about. You're doing exactly the same now!" She pulled out of his embrace.

"Not, it's not, because I specifically told you to not hold back information from me because you think I can't handle it!"

Of course it would have been too nice and easy to just apologize to each other and be done with it.

"I didn't tell you because I thought you couldn't handle it. I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna upset you and I don't wanna be the girl who goes running to her boyfriend all the time like a snitching bitch, complaining if someone ruffled her feathers. That's not me! Besides Hailey didn't make me wanna punch her. So that's a totally different conversation we were having!"

"I would never have thought of you as a snitch, if you had told me about it. I need to know these things because I wanna know everything that's on your mind and don't wanna be shut out! And I guess it must have upset you somehow. You're not nearly as cool as you like to appear on the outside, I know that by now. So what exactly did she say to you?"

Rianne poured the hot water into a thermos, continuing her task to make them some tea, while she most likely mulled over what she wanted to say.

"I guess she was making sure I was being serious about you, like maybe a good partner does."

"That's actually none of her business, I don't tell her who to date or not date either. So she had no right. And you have to tell me this, because I could've put a stop to it."

"I don't wanna talk ill of the people you work with and like. I know she's done a lot for you over the years."

"Yeah, and I am thankful for that. But she's not my girlfriend or my mother or my sister."

And probably he wouldn't even listen to what his family members would have to say about his choice of girlfriends anyway, he thought to himself.

"So point being: Don't hold back from me, this concerns me too. You concern me! That's what your whole point in our 'Angela fight' was: You are not alone in this anymore and so this means: No secrets! Besides work-related stuff we're legally not allowed to tell each other."

"Right, I got it. So now, what did Nate say to you?"

Very unwillingly Jay told her then, not in those exact words, but the essence, a summary of it. He was hurting so bad at the expression that spread over Rianne's face. His friendships throughout his life had always been few. The only people he would really call good and close friends were his unit, because they had been through so much together, and Mouse. But he had gone to war and never came back to Chicago. The experience of having someone close to him do a complete 180 and tell lies with the sole purpose of hurting and punishing someone, he couldn't say that he knew what that felt like. He could relate to what it felt like to feel left alone suddenly though. The grievance and mortification in her eyes quickly turned into confusion, rage and personal offense the more he shared with her of that fateful exchange at the 21st. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing his earlier indignation and anger reflected in her:

"So he basically claimed that I was an emotionally unstable wreck with no clue on how to live my life alone, no opinion of my own and in his perception you are my toy-boy of the week taking advantage of me! So that leaves him what? My savior sent from heaven? Unbelievable! Who **is** that person? He wants to make your life hell if you don't break up with me? Who the fuck does he think he is? The Godfather? Maybe he's going to offer you some money next… That's some pretty fucked up shit, even my family didn't do something like that to Andrea, though they were totally not on board with us…"

"Babe, please calm down? This is exactly why I didn't want to go into details…" Jay feared that she might actually go destroying things in her wired state.

She was wearing down the hardwood floor with her pacing.

"But obviously I need to hear those details so I can get freakin' angry and a bit more scared… I'm gonna have a talk with Platt in the morning, maybe I **should** be putting in a restraining order after all, you as well. This has to stop. I'm not letting something bad happen to you again! And I really need to get him evicted!"

"I can look out for myself…" Jay tried to put in, a bad move on his side.

Rianne was right up in his face: "Oh yeah? Like last time? Because you're a man and I'm a woman? So I can't handle things by myself, but **you** can? That's not the deal I will agree to with you…" Her eyes were like two hot coals, very blue coals to be exactly.

"You're a freakin' feminist you know that?" He couldn't help but laugh and be a bit proud of her.

The way she carried herself and challenged him every time, confronted him on his bias and assumptions fascinated him.

"What if I am? Don't you believe I could kick his ass if I wanted to?"

"Oh I believe you very well could if you're seething with rage like that and he's playing fair. But that's what I am worried about: He's not one to play fair…Can you come over here now please?" He reached out his hand and when she reached for it he captured her in his arms, rocking them on the spot.

Rianne was still making growling and huffing noises, but engaging in the embrace, her fingers grabbing on to his upper arms.

"I should have been on your side. Nate probably deserved you punching him. I just hope you'll not get in trouble for this. Though I'm not saying I like dealing with things that way on a regular basis…"

"I'll figure it out somehow," Jay planted a kiss on her wild hair.

"So can we agree on looking out for the other and not letting anyone tell us how we feel about each other? Not letting jealous and envious people win?"

"That's what I was saying all along!"

"Of course you were…" she snorted into his neck sarcastically.

* * *

Jay held her in his arms for a whole while, she could feel him quietly staring off into some place above her head. A certain gut feeling that something was still bothering him and making him tense, let her look up.

"There's more, is there?" Rianne asked.

He seldom let his guard down completely, but his face often was an open book to her by now. So when just a tiny muscle of his twitched beneath his eye she knew there was more Nate had said that had made him doubt her. She jutted her chin out to him to give him a silent push to spit it out:

"Did you ever have a drug or alcohol-problem?"

Still holding on to her with one hand he used the other to scratch his chin, always a tell he was uncomfortable.

"What?" Rianne stepped back, but held on to his hand.

"I'm not judging I just feel like I would need to know." Jay liked to be prepared and have all the details, she knew that.

"Is that what Nate told you?" She wasn't mad he asked, she just couldn't believe Nate resorted to telling lies.

"He said something about you being in danger of drinking yourself to death again, if I messed you up. So I guess he was saying that there was a time when you did exactly that?"

"Okay, this is really infuriating," she laughed unhappily:

"Look: I'm not an addict, I quit smoking years ago. I occasionally did some pot in my college years and later on with the guys, I haven't done that in longer than four years. And yes I like to drink occasionally, like anyone else we know does. And yes, when I was at my lowest after Andrea and I managed to go out again, the only way for me to get through some evenings and nights was to drink more than was good for me. I got better, I got that under control. I guess you can relate to how that's like." She was applying to his coping strategies after coming home from the war.

"Okay, thanks for clearing that up," he nodded in understanding and briefly squeezed her hand he was holding.

"You're welcome. Anything else?" Rianne could tell there was something else.

Jay's brows were furrowed and he wasn't looking at her. Undecided as if to breech the subject.

"Is it true that you never want to settle down again, start a family?" He mumbled then, observing her in that heartbreaking way out of the corner of his eyes.

Rianne wanted to jump out of her skin. Nate had really gone all out by planting those little bombs with Jay. These were things they should have been discussing in their own time, not because somebody else **made** them discuss them.  
She was just speechless that he would put these doubts in Jay's head, obviously hitting a nerve. The longer it took her to give him an answer the more his face fell and her heart ached, because she couldn't give him one.

"Right. I'm gonna take a shower…" He let go of her hand, seemingly not able to bear the tension between them any longer.

Rianne felt her heart beat in her throat, trying to hold him back by snapping into action:

"Jay… look, I'm sorry I don't wanna lie to you and make promises I can't keep! It's not that easy to answer that question for me and it's got nothing to do with you or us…"

"I know, but still…"

The newly fixed bathroom door flew shut with a bang.  
Shitty shittity shit! That went absolutely not well. At least he didn't leave the house, she thought.

Groaning deeply Rianne knew she needed to calm herself down, get her thoughts in order or better not think at all for some time, not keep stirring in her mess.  
Shedding the rest of her damp clothes and putting on some comfy sweat bottoms and a fresh t-shirt she put a rock music playlist and her headphones on. Usually it was helping her to shut her overzealous mind out.

She had really wished for her worlds, her past and her present, to blend into one future.   
But there were certain things it seemed she couldn't take with her into the new world. And Nate was one of them. That was clear now.  
Maybe she had to book a session with Dr. Charles to work out how to still carry the good memories with her although the person they were connected to had turned into someone else completely. Someone who was now openly trying to mess with her life, her happiness, her relationship and threatening her boyfriend. She felt bad that she had put Jay into this position and really hoped they could work things out. Rianne hated to be the one to hurt him as well when she hadn't been able to say what he obviously had wanted to hear. But how could she know what she wanted her future with him to look like when life threw constant curve balls at them that made it difficult to figure out the basic stuff?

Suddenly her headphones were taken off and familiar arms wrapped themselves around her, Jay's fresh shower scent befuddling her senses.  
She found herself humming in relieve that he was searching physical contact. Not tentative physical contact, but the one with a certain intend. They were very much alike concerning that. Their bodies always smarter than their brains, knowing they could give each other the assurance they so badly needed that this was worth fighting for. Right now she didn't know if they technically still were in a fight or not. If they would have to agree to disagree?

He kissed her cheek and let his hands whisper over her waist and stomach, feeling invited by the fact that she was leaning back into him. Rianne arched her throat to let him put more hot kisses on her delicate skin, her breath stuttering when his one hand slipped inside her sweats and touched her naked skin. His own emotional and sexual agitation was evident by his ragged breath flowing down her neck and the fact that he was pressing his giant erection tightly to her back and ass. The towel he was wearing only a laughable barrier between their lower bodies.

"Get naked!" Jay ordered while letting her out of his grip.

Taken by surprise by his serious tone she did without arguing, slowly and incredibly turned on already with him watching her out of guarded and hungry eyes. Another component was evident inside of them that was foreign to her. It was unpredictable, but intriguing and made her body all tingly and heated up.

The second she had taken off the last piece of fabric, he was right in front of her again, backing her against his living-room wall.  
Letting the towel around his hips fall to the ground purposefully, he planted indulging kisses all over her body, sucking her skin in his hot mouth, leaving marks on her with his teeth. She gasped at every touch and tickle of his lips, his breath huffing against her sex when he had reached the temporary end of his journey. His tongue flicked softly against her delicate flesh, making her grab a tuft of his hair to hold him in place, because she didn't want him to move anywhere else. She felt him humming against her wet skin, licking and kissing while his hands softly circled around her butt cheeks. Rianne let her head fall back against the wall, sighing and breathing more and more agitatedly.

When he slipped two fingers inside her, pumping in and out while his tongue still executed his dedicated caress, Rianne felt that familiar pressure building, quickly becoming a tidal wave ready to swallow her up. She bit her lip and couldn't suppress her ecstatic moans any longer.

"Oh my god, please don't stop now, don't stop… I'm so close…" she whispered, already deep in a sexual fog.

But he did indeed stop... What the fuck? Just when she was about to slip into that blissful state of letting all that tension go, Jay withdrew his fingers and lips and tongue and just kissed his way back up to her shoulders. Was he really withholding an orgasm from her? This was a first!

"Why… what… Why did you do that?" Rianne heard herself whining, sexually frustrated to no end and a bit pissed.

There was still this awful need in her lower body yearning to be satisfied, afraid that she would be denied that pleasure. She clawed at his back with her nails, not understanding. Was he punishing her?

"Say that you're mine and that I am the only one who gets to do this!" Jay hoarsely whispered while nipping at her earlobes, enflaming her skin even more.

"What is this? 50 shades of Halstead?" Rianne pushed at his shoulders to get him to look at her, not really believing what she was hearing.

Since when was he playing those possessive games?

"I'm serious babe!"

Seeing the pleading look in his eyes and how he was biting his bottom lip kind of ruefully, running his thumb over her mouth, she suddenly knew it wasn't a game.  
It was hard for him to put it out in the open and say that he needed this. To put out in the open that he needed clarity, needed assurance and for her to say it. Maybe say and show it everyday until his wounds were all healed up or at least scarred over. Inwardly she was cursing everyone that had helped to built his insecurity and mistrust, including herself.

"Of course I'm yours, Jay! I couldn't possibly be more in love with you than I am. You **have** me, all of me!"

With that sexual power he had over her he could probably get her to say anything he wanted right now, but it was the truth. Like she'd told Stella: she had never fallen faster and deeper for another man like she had for him. It filled her with incredible joy and fear at the same time.

Obviously satisfied with her answer Jay grabbed her throat while he still bore his eyes into hers, before he kissed her lips in passionate despair and walked her into the bedroom. Turning her around and pushing her upper body down on the dresser opposite the bed made her quiver with desire for him.  
He not so gently grabbed her by her hair, making her hiss at the slight pain. His mouth was near her ear suddenly, biting down on her skin:

"Tell me to stop!" Jay urged her, his erection already pressing against her sex from behind, teasing her to an extent where she thought she would explode at the mere thought of him about to enter her.

Catching on to his hesitation she turned around as best as she could in this position, cupping his chin in her hand and giving him a beseeching look:

"Why would I tell you to stop? I trust you, I know you want to take what's yours, so I need you to get on with it, or else I'll…"

He didn't even let her finish, he thrust his cock hungrily inside of her with an angry grunt, making her gasp at the sudden invasion. She tried to hold on to the dresser as best as she could as he kept slamming into her. She had wanted to say that she thought she might die of longing if he didn't.  
Their joint cries of pleasure filled the bedroom. His hands were alternating between massaging her back, pulling her hair and grabbing her hips bruisingly. It all blended into an overpowering atmosphere of animalistic, earthy desire. It was exquisite torture.  
At one point Jay lifted her right leg up, bending it at the knee to allow him to slide in harder, deeper. Rianne was seeing stars instantly, his cock kissing her womb with every thrust and putting pressure to that specific place of lust until she fell apart beneath him.

* * *

Jay found himself spellbound by her passion. While he was prolonging her orgasm, rubbing his throbbing hard member along her clit, he knew he was not really able to back down now, far from finished with her. Finally pulling her up against him, grabbing her face in his hand and placing another hard and wet kiss on her wonton lips he pushed her down on the bed. Jay knew it was dangerous territory. He wanted to own her and punish her for making him love her so much that he couldn't think straight. For making him loose control and see red at the mere thought of anyone trying to take her from him. For constantly breaking down his formerly well-protected barriers. 

He climbed onto the bed and got on his knees in front of her. She was already a semi-limb quivering mess with heavy-lidded eyes watching him pull her up by her hips until her butt connected with his upper legs. He slid his hard length into her again, sinking himself inside her as deep as he possibly could, reveling in the fact that she was eagerly welcoming him, just letting him take her. His pulse was racing, droplets of sweat rolling down his chest and abdomen, pooling were their sexes were so intimately connected. Rianne whimpering und writhing underneath him, touching herself made him drive into her even faster and harder, bending his torso to suck her hard nipples into his mouth. She wrapped her legs over his shoulders, clutching him closer and deeper yet, moaning louder at the bitter-sweet sensation.

"Oh dios amor, you gonna make me come again!"

Her sex was clenching around him within seconds of her crying out a little throaty. Her climax lasted even longer this time and he felt himself falling, he had slowed down his pace a little. Jay freed himself of her trembling legs around his neck, pushed up on his hands and watched her heated face while riding out her orgasm. This wasn't fake. This was pure, authentic, beautiful. He was so close himself.

Jay yanked her upper body up by wrapping his right arm around her neck and shoulder, grabbing her ass so tight with his other hand that he was sure he would leave fingerprints on her skin. Somehow he wanted just that.  
The heat of her body against his, her intoxicating smell and taste when he slightly sunk his teeth into the curve between her shoulder and neck along with the passionate groan that it elicited out of her were overwhelming his senses. He felt lightheaded, like he was leaving his own body.  
She tugged at his hair as hard as he had done to her before, while trying to keep up with his now somewhat erratic rhythm, pressing her lips to his urgently and keeping her eyes on his. Her sultry dilated pupils were mirroring his own, their respective pants becoming one.

Her whispered: "I just love you Jay…" ultimately finished him.

"God Rianne I'm gonna come so fucking hard…"

For one moment it felt like he lost any connection to time and space, on a high that made him drown.   
His orgasm was earth-shuddering, extensive, his loud cries echoing back from the walls.  
Jay didn't know how long he just remained in this pose with Rianne's also quavering body clutched to his, his teeth gritted. He was trying to get a grip on him before he collapsed down onto the bed with her, feeling drained, his brain blank for once, panting heavily. His whole body felt shaky as they lay in a heap of sweaty, slightly twitching limbs.   
Jay thought he wouldn't be able to lift a single finger for a while, he had no control whatsoever.  
A loud knocking sound that seemed to come from downstairs startled them. Jay instinctively grabbed Rianne, pressing her to his still heaving chest.

"Are you done up there? Because I need a cigarette now!" They heard a voice holler up.

"D'you think he's talking to us?" Rianne looked at Jay questioningly, who just shrugged.

Her voice also sounded still kind of breathless.

"Get a whole package! We intend to do this regularly!" Rianne hollered back.

Obviously her voice did make it through the floor to Jay's downstairs neighbor, cause they heard a grumpy answer:

"Jesus Christ! Get a life!"

Rianne threw her head back and laughed out loud. That sound as usual a revelation to Jay's ears, he joined in and in that moment of freeing laughter he suddenly felt very emotional. He was not able to let her out of his grasp, in fact not ever wanted to let go. Jay closed his eyes, his fingertips softly running down Rianne's spine, counting every twist and turn of her vertebrae.

Kissing his forehead she breathed in awe: "That was so hot babe, I feel like I'm still having mini orgasms… I can't stop shaking…"

Jay found he couldn't say anything, somehow choked up by the powerful feeling of their bond they had just consumed again.  
All he could do to assure her that he felt the same was press his lips to hers softly and engage in a lazy and slow kiss. She caught on to his vulnerability, wrapping her arms around his head and running her fingers through his sweaty hair, so that his face was resting in the crook of her neck. He tightly pressed his eyes shut trying to savor the feeling of being one with another person.

"Jay, I… Before you and I, I would have answered your question earlier with a definite no! I never wanted to get married or try for another child again. But now? It's a solid maybe. Maybe someday I would want that. I hope you're down with that, for me this means huge progress…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it, especially in these times of social distancing...


	37. The Writing's on the Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those expecting "danger to come", anyone being roughed up, injured, mistreated or heaven knows what... YES, I have plans for that ... soon... but not yet, not today. I feel I have to stick with my tempo of the story, but rest assured:   
> it's not all going to be fine forever:-)
> 
> Chapter Title "The Writing's on the Wall" by OK Go

After work next day Rianne hurried to the 21st to take legal action, like she had promised Jay.  
He wouldn't say anything and didn't pressure her, but he'd been sleepless mostly last night, his restless body keeping hers awake too.  
Safe to say he was seriously worried and wrought up about everything and she felt really guilty about that. He'd been through enough lately, so he didn't need this to deal with on top.

Thankfully she had been teaching a foster-parents class for most of today that had kept her from crossing paths with Nate. She didn't know how to react if she saw him again. To say that she was finally pretty pissed after what he had been telling Jay was putting it mildly.

Going over her options with Platt, cause she appreciated Trudy for her candor and no-nonsense attitude as well as her sharp mind, she felt a little better. Using the older woman's expertise on how to best approach the situation felt like taking back a little bit of control. A restraining order had to get court approval before it would be in place, but Trudy was certain that all the texts and words exchanged between her former roommate and her would be enough to get it. Now she only had to get Jay to file one, just to be safe. It calmed Rianne down that there was no complaint against Jay from Nate's side, at least not yet to Trudy's knowledge.  
Maybe Adam had been able to get through to him. Still it was better to get out in front of this and prevent any future encounters from happening by sticking with her decision to ban him from her life as best as she could. Now she only had to get that new phone number installed. Just blocking him wouldn't do it, she wanted to be absolutely sure that he had no direct way to reach her.

Adam came rushing up the stairs into the precinct, darting towards her immediately:

"What can I say? I am so sorry…" He looked guilty, obviously unsure how she'd react to him.

Rianne mirrored his wobbly smile and asked if they could talk somewhere private. He took her arm and pulled her into the stairwell left of the front-desk.

"So, did you talk to him yesterday?" She enquired, not wanting to dance around it.

"Yes, but I wasn't able to get through to him. At least he seemed undecided about the whole complaint thing. I threatened to have enough dirt on him to get him charged with something if he keeps coming after Jay. But I'm afraid he won't back down so easily. He's got it into his head that he's right and you belong with him…I didn't see this coming." Adam shook his head, just like her still unable to wrap his head around this.

"You and me both… d'you think he'll move out on his own volition?"

Adam shrugged his shoulders, a defeated look in his dark brown eyes. He seemed embarrassed by his cousin's behavior and watched her reaction guardedly.

"I hope we're still good Adam!" Rianne didn't want Adam to think she was trying to turn him against his own flesh and blood.

He grabbed her shoulders urgently:

"Kiddo, I don't always like the members of my family myself, so we're good. Really! Nate's completely off the rails! This is nuts and if you didn't do it yourself I would have filed a restraining order on your behalf! I am just so sorry I didn't put a stop to this sooner."

"I think there's just never telling what is really going on in a person's head, is there? So... you're good with me and Jay?"

Somehow it felt like she needed to tell their friends from foes at the moment. A genuine smile crept over Adam's face:

"Of course I'm good with you and Jay! Make him the fuck happy, he deserves it. Also I find him much more relaxed and less moody since he's getting some regularly. So keep up the good work! Is that a hickey by the way?" He pointed to her shoulder and winked and she freed herself of his touch, punching his chest in annoyance:

"You're such a twerp Adam!"

You could always count on a bad joke out of his mouth in a somewhat serious situation. She pulled her scarf tighter around her neck.

"Actually, could you get him down here for a sec? I wanted to run something past you two…"

"If it involves me too it can't be something dirty, so you can just talk to him upstairs!"

"I…" Rianne wasn't sure about dropping in on Jay in his work environment.

This was the first time she would be up there on unofficial business. Mainly Rianne didn't want to run into Hailey after yesterday's fight with Jay. She wasn't sure if he would have talked to her and didn't want it to be awkward.

"Come on, you don't have to meet him in dark alleys anymore. It's slow at the moment, so you'll be a sight for sore eyes! Think our boy's a little bummed out because there haven't been any gunfights on his first day back on full duty…"

And wasn't she thankful for that. A slow day at the office sounded like heaven to her, but she knew Jay had a different attitude to that and he needed action and adrenaline like air to breathe. Adam sort of forced her to come with him by pulling her into a hug and taking her to the Intelligence-gateway.

"So, how's that junior of yours doing? And you and Kim?"

Adam's eyes had lit up at her question and at the same time he cringed, speaking in a low voice while looking over his shoulder if anyone in the foyer was listening in:

"Junior, or Miss Junior, is doing fine. Has the size of an orange apparently. Me and Kim, I… I don't know what to tell you… it's complicated…but it's still under wraps, so…"

* * *

Jay's ears perked up at the familiar melodious voice floating up the stairs before he noticed Rianne with Adam at the top of them. Worn out brogues, belted skirt, cable-knit cream sweater, rosy cheeks and… glasses. A determined look on her face! Holy shit! He took a deep breath, reminding himself he was at work and focused on his fear that her dropping in on him could mean something bad had happened. He shot up from his desk.

"Hi guys!" he heard her greet Kim and Kevin and wave at Voight's figure, who was disappearing into his office.

"Everything okay?" Jay closed the distance, thinking he was probably making a fuss.

Checking Rianne's mocking eyes on him he knew he was. And he felt himself blushing when he instinctively kissed her quickly. It was the first time since the starting of their relationship that she was up here, paying him a visit. And everyone was watching them with amusement at his flustered state.

"I'm fine. Could I talk to you and Adam in private?"

"Sure!" He put a hand in the small of her back and led her to the break room.

Ruzek followed them. So this must have to do with Nate. He didn't bother offering her the god-awful coffee, just leaned against the kitchen counter, arms and legs crossed, waiting on her news.

"I just filed a restraining order. Trudy's got yours ready to go, but you need to give a statement yourself. You know this has to get court approval, which could take a few days. I need something more to not feel like I am just waiting until his next move. Something like a strong statement, so I was thinking…"

Jay listened raptly while she told them she wanted to get all of her stuff out of the loft, put it into storage. This way it wouldn't matter to her what Nate did, if he somehow wanted to destroy it all (if he hadn't done that already), and maybe it would also make him see that she didn't plan on moving back in with him any time soon. That he was waiting in vain.

"I feel like I need to get pro-active! And soon. So I know it's the weekend, but if you could spare the time it would be really great to get some help tomorrow."

She turned to Adam: "We'll need someone to distract Nate, make sure he is not there."

"Anything I can do, I'm in. I'll think of something to make him meet with me, find out what he has planned. Actually let's rope in Kev and Kim as well, shall we? Maybe they want in on the fun too…." Adam left them to themselves for a minute while he went to talk to Atwater and Burgess.

"I'd need someone with a moving truck and a storage unit that is big enough and available… I thought you'd have some ideas about that? Because you seem like the guy who has a guy that knows a guy..." Rianne batted her eyes at him.

Jay missed a beat and just kept looking at her mouth. She misinterpreted his silence for disagreement and felt obliged to explain herself, fumbling with her checkered skirt.

"Look, maybe this seems totally stupid and immature, but I can't sit around and wait. I hate the fact that he's living in my dream home, sitting there like a spider in its big cosy web, waiting for me to come back. If it means I have to clear out all my stuff to send a message, I'll do it. I just hope you're okay with the fact that I might be invading your space even longer and…"

Snapping into action he quickly walked up to her and kissed her fiercely instead of answering. She could invade his space as long as she wanted, as long as she was safe with him. The fact that he knew she was doing this for him, to make a statement she wasn't planning on moving back in with Nate any time soon, made his heart jump in elation. When he let her go he held her at arms-length:

"Christ, you talking business and wearing those specs is really turning me on right now!"

"So is that a yes?" She laughed breathlessly, eyes sparkling.

"That is a: Yes, I'll get right to it!"

Straightening his face and clearing his throat loudly when he left the room and went for his desk, he ignored any teasing looks and comments his unit threw his way having witnessed that intimate lip-service.  
Rianne joined him for a while, letting him install her new number quickly, copying all the contacts, texts and photos she wanted to keep. Not a real tech whiz, she claimed he was faster at that anyway. Jay was already checking who he could call to make that plan happen. She was right: Taking action felt good. He loved her positive energy and was determined to commit to her idea.

"I'm meeting Guilia for drinks. So, see you at home later?" Rianne pocketed her phone when he was done with it.

He still loved to hear that word out of her mouth. Home. It felt warm and cosy.

"Yeah, sure! Or I could pick you up?"

"Okay, call me when you're finished here. Maybe you can join us for a bit."

Just when she pressed a firm kiss on Jay's cheek to say good-bye and let her hand wander down his arm, Hailey walked up the stairs with Rojas accompanying her.  
The two women had been in the cellar, gathering intel on a wire they had planted through undercover work.  
Jay caught Hailey's surprised stare, when she saw Rianne perched on his desk. What was that flickering in her eyes? It looked somehow like hurt.  
He tried hard not to care, not read too much into this. He couldn't care about everyone else all the time, could he?

* * *

Hadn't it been a somewhat serious occasion, everyone not working for CPD now knew how much fun an undercover rip could be.  
Minus the imminent danger of getting shot that was.  
They had Adam on "Nate" duty, Kim on surveillance of the two men, ready to pick up Adam whenever he left Nate and put a tail on him. Adam had managed to get his cousin to agree to a lengthy Saturday brunch on the North side.  
Through various connections Jay had pulled off securing a storage unit and a large moving truck on such short notice. Perks of being a connected CPD detective Stella guessed. Luckily she and her guys were still off shift, bringing more equipment that came in handy for moving and packing up furniture, as well as a lot of manpower. Kelly and Matt had roped in Cruz, Gallo and Herrmann, Jay had gotten Will and Atwater to participate. They could use all the muscle they could get, not knowing how long Adam would be able to keep Nate busy. Not everyone gathered here knew the full story on why they were doing this exactly, but it didn't matter. A member of their community needed help, so she got it. Stella really hoped this would be the end of it, fearing for her friends safety, as this Nate-thing was reminding her more and more of the ordeal with her ex-husband.

Taking a look around at the loft, everyone was a little taken aback when they took in the state of the place they just knew as a homey and welcoming one. Nate certainly hadn't been on his best housekeeping behavior.  
Stella noticed the horrified look on Rianne's face when she took in all the plants that hadn't been watered for a while, some of them already dead. Take-out containers and bottles of beer and wine cluttering the surfaces, the kitchen a mess in itself, same as the guest bathroom. An ashtray threatened to spill over on the coffee table and the overall smell wasn't pleasant.  
Quickly bouncing back from the first shock of seeing her home in that state, Rianne began placing post-its everywhere to mark the stuff that belonged to her. Which was mostly everything except the things she either didn't care about or had split costs on with Nate, the furniture in his room or his musical equipment.  
When they finally went into Rianne's quarters the first thing they noticed was that even though Rianne told them she had locked the door from outside, it had been broken down in the meantime.

Stella almost expected everything to be trashed, but instead they found evidence that someone had been living in here. The bed was definitely slept in and there were clothes everywhere. Not just men clothes, also Rianne's clothes. She claimed she had not left her room like this. Stella felt sick and freaked-out. This was creepy. She touched Rianne's shoulder to comfort her, but her friend just blinked quickly and straightened her posture:

"Okay, we're definitely not taking the mattress and the bedding! I'll just get a new one," she stated matter-of-factly, while Jay's face told a murderous story on how creeped out he was and what he certainly would like to do to Nate.

Rianne squeezed his arm reassuringly and flashed a forced smile at him:

"Right, let's get to work. We don't have much time!" She clapped her hands and started giving out instructions.

While the guys did the heavy lifting Stella got to packing up Rianne's room with Sylvie and Natalie. Although the latter was mostly occupied keeping Owen from randomly picking up stuff and throwing them into boxes, because he wanted to help. Will and his fiancé had found no one to look after him today, but had wanted to be here anyway. In the end they just gave him a whole box to play with, keeping himself busy with climbing in and out of it constantly, making them laugh in between their tasks.

Rianne was in complete operation mode. Organizing in a crisis was one of her strengths. In a short amount of time she had decided where all the furniture would need to go or which cases of clothing or other stuff would maybe come in handy to still have around, as she didn't know how long it would take for Nate to be gone permanently. Stella guessed at this time Rianne didn't really know if she would ever get back to using her loft again. So her and Sylvie offered to take some of the clothes and stuff she wanted at close range, because Rianne claimed that Jay would kill her if she brought anything else to his place! Stella doubted that when she saw him and his entourage completely devoted to clearing out all of her stuff and making sure they did it right. Her friend wasn't aware that she probably could have asked anything of him and he would make sure she got it.  
Some of the plants needed a new home. Rianne couldn't bear the thought of them going to waste here. So everyone present got at least one to foster for a while.

The atmosphere in general wasn't that glum. There was a certain energy, like they were pranking someone, doing something forbidden and enjoying the hell out of it.  
They were sorting through the kitchen cupboards, when they suddenly heard Adam's voice coming over the open line of Jay's radio:

"Sorry guys, I couldn't drag it out any longer…Kim's picking me up now…"

"Right, everyone get a move on, we don't know how long we'll have…" Jay ordered in his work-voice.

His friendly authority encouraged Gallo and Cruz to make quick work of getting Rianne's dresser downstairs in one piece. Stella caught him zoning in on Rianne then, who was looking through her assortment of favorite mugs and plates, a sad look on her face.

"If you wanna restock my kitchen, be my guest!" He put his hand in her neck and softly squeezed her tense looking muscles there.

Stella didn't want to keep openly staring at their newly couple cuteness and continued wrapping cutlery, but it was impossible not to listen in.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, of course! Take what you need, we'll make room for it!" She had never heard Jay's voice sound so soft before.

"You're great, thank you!"

"I know."

There was a loaded pause on Rianne's end. She had to be sad to be packing up the life she had worked so hard to built from scratch after Andrea's death.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just… go…go…" Of course she wouldn't want to break in front of everyone here.

Maybe she had done that already, solo or with Jay comforting her. Stella trusted him to look after her from now on.

"Alright!" Jay kissed Rianne's forehead and got back to work, grabbing two boxes at a time and making his way to the elevator to restock it for another tour downstairs to their waiting cars and the truck.

Rianne called out after him:

"Jay?"

Meeting her chiding gaze he put one of the boxes down again, sighing and raising his eyebrows at her, while she bestowed a sweet smile on him:

"Thank you!"

Stella guessed she didn't want him to exhaust himself because of her. Hell he had been life-threateningly injured just a short while ago.  
Atwater, who walked in on that raised his brows at Rianne in bewilderment:

"Could you maybe teach us that trick? Make him listen and slow down every once in a while?"

"Na, I think you guys probably don't have the right assets for that…" Stella chimed in, forming a female silhouette with her hands.

They heard Jay and Atwater chuckle in good humor while they walked out the door again.

"What the hell happened to you two?" Stella exclaimed when it was just them girls back in the kitchen again.

"What happened to whom?"

"You and Jay! You seem even closer than a week ago. That whole little sign language and eye thing you're doing… it's… I didn't think this was possible."

"I guess we've done some more bonding. Besides, we had a pretty intense fight two nights ago, including the making up part afterwards, so…"

* * *

Natalie hugged Rianne out of the blue, though it was half-armed, because she had Owen attached to her other side.

"Good luck…" she told her compassionately.

"Good luck with what?" Rianne was confused by her words and the sudden affectionate move.

They weren't that close. Their only connection until now had been through work and Molly's and Will.

"You're in love with a Halstead! I know that look. So 'good luck' because I know what that love entails, good and bad! So, anytime you wanna talk about your half of those two hot-heads, I am your comrade in suffering."

Letting Natalie's words sink in and witnessing the comical face she pulled when Will walked in on them, the four women fell about laughing.

"What's so funny?" he wanted to know, looking from Natalie, to Rianne and Sylvie and Stella.

"Oh nothing honey, just try not to pull a muscle? Can't have you impaired at our dance lesson Monday!" Smiling sweetly at her husband to be Natalie went on with packing up the kitchen stuff one-handed, the other three women still sniggering at Will's confused face, before he left them, calling out to his fellow men, grunting under the weight of the last pieces of furniture that needed to go:

"Guys, we have a female kitchen conspiracy on our hands!"

Matt and Kelly laughed:

"In that case I hope they are conspiring how to repay us for our efforts afterwards in cold drinks and a home-cooked meal!"

"I hope you're being a chauvinist by accident Severide or I'll sleep at my place tonight!" Stella called back out to Kelly.

When looking around the corner to the gathered menfolk Rianne caught Kelly winking at her friend in that intimate way only couples did, Stella stuck her tongue out at him. Matt and Sylvie shared a certain look too and Will tried to pry Owen off Natalie, pretending that he had to save him from their terrible influence.  
Rianne felt incredibly blessed in their midsts, although she had been a little upset just a minute ago. Here they all were, everybody putting in the effort of helping her, no questions asked.

"Rianne, you there?" Adam called over the radio a little later. She took the receiver from Jay, handing him a kitchen towel so he could wipe the sweat from his brows.

"What is it Adam?"

"You will not like this… He's meeting Ayla…"

Rolling her eyes at that she tried to stay calm and check for facts that where important:

"Okay… where are they?"

"At the Riverbank, drinking coffee… They might be heading your way soon."

"We're almost done here anyway…Thanks for the heads-up." She should have known that Nate would turn to that bitch as a last resort.

Maybe to lick his wounds or concoct a devilish plan together. She decided not to care right now.  
With the last box and some carpets on their way down, Jay and Rianne were the only ones left upstairs, making a final sweep. Adam kept informing them about Nate's 20.  
Rianne had taken a last look over the city from her balcony, then went into her bath and bedroom, barely able to keep her emotions from running wild at the thought that she felt this was the end of an era. This house contained so many memories from the past two years, and also very important ones of the last two months. Without anything left inside besides a mattress and dust and some curtains, the room didn't look like the one where she for example had found herself falling for Jay more and more.

He was suddenly behind her, taking her hand in his:

"Come on! Let's get out of here…" he said softly and when he caught her pensive and wrought up look he ran his thumb over her wrist and tugged her against him:

"You'll get it back!"

She wasn't so sure she would, but she let him drag her out of here.  
The last thing she did was pin the eviction notice with a two-week deadline on the front door before she closed it with a bang. It felt good to take back the power, to not be reacting all the time. Somehow it felt like she had robbed her own house though. Getting everything packed up in record time, deciding what to take and what to leave, reminded her a lot of when she was growing up and moving to different countries constantly. Sometimes there just was no room to get too emotional, too clingy, too nostalgic.

"There's one last thing the boy from Canaryville wants to carry out of this posh neighborhood!" Jay snapped her out of her thoughts when they had reached the ground level.

Under her loud protests he grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder. Rianne squealed and wound herself and pleaded with him, not liking the upside down perspective and feeling like a sack of potatoes:

"If you insist on doing this at least let me ride piggy-back!"

Thankfully he "allowed" it and hoisted her up on his back. As soon as she had secured her arms around his neck Jay charged out of the building. This playful and childish side of him she enjoyed boundlessly. It lifted her up, not only figuratively.

"Guys, I have one more package for you, then we're good to go!" Jay called out to their friends gathered by the moving truck and ran a victory lap, while everyone fist-bumped and hollered, laughing along with them.

"And look at that Canaryville boy now, giving the posh neighborhood girl shelter from the storm!" Rianne whispered in Jay's ear and kissed his neck.

Rianne breathed him in, fresh sweat mixed with the rest of his morning shower smell, his cologne, just his Jay scent. Yeah, it didn't matter how many battles she had to fight to be with him. She would just do it.

There was still work to do, getting everything to the storage unit and to people's houses, but with the help of all of those kind humans, it was done and over in a flash.  
She paid Jay's guy cash for the storage unit for the next two months. Jay thought it was better this way, making sure that there would be no official paperwork on this. She really felt like a criminal. Thinking that Nate might want to find out where she kept her stuff, sounded ridiculous to her, but as it seemed important to Jay she didn't argue with him on that. Rianne trusted him to have seen what people were capable of, he had endless stories to tell, stories she maybe wouldn't believe, so she let it go.

* * *

Rianne had invited everyone for drinks at Molly's after they had gotten the chance to take a shower and relax a little.  
Jay and her took an uber and had it drop them off a few blocks from the bar. She wanted to go for a short walk beforehand.  
Keeping each other warm by holding hands and walking real close Jay told her that she could stop pretending to not know what was going on with Kim. She had the decency do blush at the topic and Jay enjoyed the little moment of her embarrassment, before he informed her that Kim had actually roped in Voight and the unit yesterday night about her "state". Their little quarrel about how bad she was at keeping secrets from him was interrupted, when her phone started ringing just a short distance from the bar.

"I have to take this, it's my dad," she informed him.

Her father seemed to have been worried because she texted him her new number. Now he wanted to know why. Rianne told him she had lost her phone and had to get a new one. After that the conversation got somewhat heated and changed to Spanish. Jay kept walking in circles, rubbing his hands together. It really was incredibly cold, snow still scrunching under his feet. At least watching his girlfriend in a temperamental exchange on the phone warmed him up on the inside.  
She was still cursing when she ended the call. Jay didn't bother to ask her why. He'd been a witness to several conversations with her father by now. Those two seemed to bring it out in each other, but different from him and his father their mutual affection was equally passionate.

"Thought you couldn't lie?" Rianne looked at him a little confused:

"When you told him you lost your phone? You didn't even blink…"

"That wasn't a lie. It was a fib, works better over the phone though. And it's family. I have been lying to him my whole life, at least about little things."

"So, what else did he want?" He reached for her hand and started walking towards Molly's again.

"To remind me of my abuela's commemoration service. As if I would forget… " She still shook her head at her phone.

"D'you get Christmas and New Year's off in Intelligence?" Rianne's eyes turned to him, softer now.

Jay laughed, his breath creating thick clouds of hot air in the cold. He didn't really remember when he had ever really taken time off over the holidays, when he last had taken time off in general. Crime didn't care about festivities. If he cashed in his overtime combined with the furlough days he had piled up he could very easily take two months off. When he explained that to her she looked at him searchingly.

"And would you, maybe, consider… taking time off work this year?"

"I wouldn't be opposed to that. Why?" Jay carefully replied, stopping them in front of the bar and wiping a stray eyelash off her cheek.

She hid her face in her hands, suddenly nervous and a little shy: "God, I can't believe I'm afraid to ask…"

"Afraid to ask me what?" He was kind of wary.

"Look, my abulea died four years ago. My family likes to hold a yearly memorial and it happens to be around Christmas…"

"In Argentina?"

"In Buenos Aires, Argentina. I haven't booked my flight yet, so I guess what I am trying to say here is: Would you wanna come with me?" She said it like it was a hardship.

"You're asking if I would wanna come with you?" Jay knew he must sound like an imbecile, but he couldn't help it.

"Yeah… would you wanna come spend Christmas and New Year's, maybe even my birthday, with me and my crazy Argentinian family?" Rianne laughed nervously.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I guess not…" Now she sounded really unsure.

When Jay's face broke into a broad smile he had been too stoked to let loose until now, he saw her relax. He pulled her in for a bear hug, indulgently kissing first her cheeks, then her lips.

"Let me talk to Voight on Monday, but: I would love to go with you," he whispered into her hair while he pressed her tightly to his chest.

He couldn't think of a time when he had been on a holiday last, maybe with Erin. To be planning something they would be doing by the end of next month felt like a promise that made his insides turn all warm and fuzzy.


	38. Find A Home Out There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Find A Home Out There" by Alberta Cross

Moving everything out of the loft wasn't the solution, but it surely gave Rianne a feeling of being less dependable. And being dependable on Jay and him putting up with her, slowly evolved into a state she could tolerate more and more.  
Nate kept blowing up her work phone the following week, blocking his number to get her to pick up, leaving not so nice messages on her inbox, whenever she didn't. Rianne forced herself to not listen and delete them instantly. It was a little more complicated to get a new number at her office and she would have had to rope in her superiors on this, so she hoped he would eventually get tired of it, if she didn't give him any new ammunition. Rianne had informed her closer colleagues so that they wouldn't give out her schedule and she had made it her mission to spent as much time out of the office as possible. Still he finally managed to catch her in person when she left work on Wednesday. Cursing herself that she hadn't taken Martha up on the offer of leaving together earlier, she flinched when she heard his voice calling out after her as she was taking the steps out of the office building two at a time:

"Really? First that loft raid and now a restraining order? You cannot be serious!"

Rianne tried hard not to show any kind of reaction, not engage, just like Trudy and Jay had drilled into her. She found it wasn't easy to not turn around and throw everything she was hurt and disappointed and shocked about in Nate's face. Inwardly she began counting to keep herself calm and kept walking.

"Tell me how he brain-washed you Rianne? This just isn't you!" Nate called after her, making several bystanders turn their heads in her direction.

"Don't walk away from me! I'm begging you: Use your head!" He really was making a fool of himself.

As fast as she could without looking like she was running away, Rianne got into her car, parked across the street, only daring to take a deep breath when she had locked herself inside. Nate had followed her, but kept his distance, throwing his arms up in the air questioningly when he caught her watching him through the windshield. His face, outfit, everything on the outside looked the same, but she didn't see the same person anymore. There was so much she didn't understand about him, it was turning her stomach into knots.  
Rianne told herself to look away and just close herself off from feeling anything, just start the motor and get herself home.

* * *

Jay'd been working almost non-stop since Sunday, so she hadn't seen a lot of him. Intelligence had a time-sensitive case on their hands and his hours were off the charts, not really compatible with hers. In hindsight she was even more grateful that they had used the time while he was on medical leave and after to build a more solid foundation. It would have been a little difficult to accomplish the present state of their relationship by never getting a chance to see each other for longer than an hour or live on some stolen moments in between their day. Monday they hadn't even shared a bed. Jay had crept into the apartment at the break of dawn, when she was already preparing to go to work. They regularly kept in touch over the phone and through texts, Jay still fussing about Nate. He probably had every right to be, but she was a big girl and thought she could handle it. After today's encounter though she wasn't so sure how long she could handle Nate coming at her constantly.

After cleaning up the mess she had made cooking dinner, leaving something in the fridge for Jay later, she finally found the time to put away the last boxes of her stuff. She had tried to not go overboard redecorating Jay's place with her knick-knack. Rianne wanted to keep his clean style as best as she could, yet Jay really didn't seem to mind one bit. At least he never complained about her using up every inch of his empty space.  
When she still hadn't heard from him by the time she finished, she went to bed alone. It wasn't always easy to not worry when there was radio-silence on his end. Rianne had to get used to it as she didn't want to be constantly checking in on him. He should be able to concentrate on his job without keeping her in the loop all the time.

Rianne hadn't heard him enter the apartment at 1.30, but when the bedroom door slid open and the floors creaked Rianne was aware that someone was in the room. When a whiff of familiar cologne hit her nose she smiled to herself in the dark. She heard him rummaging about, probably ridding himself of some clothes, locking his gun in the safe on his side of the bed. Then she felt the mattress dip behind her when Jay climbed in. He touched her shoulder carefully and let his fingertips run down her arm before reaching her fingers. When he wrapped his around hers she grabbed them tightly, letting him know that she was still awake. She could feel his naked chest against her back and sighed dreamily.

"Hey," she turned around to face him and found herself instantly wrapped in his arms, his warm breath tickling her ear. There were no words to decribe the feeling his warm embrace enflamed inside of her every time, especially after a long strenuous day.

"Hey," he replied, his voice sounding exhausted.

"How was your day?"

"Let's just say I've been looking forward to sneaking into bed with you for a few hours …felt good to know I have someone waiting here for me…I've missed you…"

"Yeah, me too… wanna talk about it?"

"Actually… not really!"

"How's your shoulder been holding up?"

"It's fine - I think I'm so glad to be back on the streets that I don't feel any pain at all…" he softly laughed, his lips finding hers for a quick kiss shared in the dark.

"Yeah, right tough guy! What else is on your mind?" He rarely could hide a single thing from her.

Just something in his voice said something was bothering him. So Rianne switched on the little bedside lamp to have a real conversation. Jay flinched at the sudden illumination of the room.

"So…?"

"I really hate that you keep doing this mind-reading thing…," he sat up against the bedhead and ran his hands over his face.

Seeing now how tired he looked she wanted to instantly comfort him in her arms again.

"Yeah… it's Hailey," Jay grumbled, a little insecurity in his voice.

"What happened?" Sitting up beside him, Rianne put her hand on his stomach, softly running her fingers over his smooth skin, trying not to flinch at the mentioning of the other woman's name.

"I'm worried about her. We had this case..." Jay began telling her as much as he was allowed to about the recent developments concerning Darius Walker, the corrupt drug conspiracy thing involving some dirty cops, now dead, and all the mess that it included. Hailey sniffing around some gang quarters, asking questions after-hours.

Rianne was always astonished how little she really knew about the world out there and how he was able to deal with it day in and out.

"So, you followed and confronted her, because you think she did something off-book and wasn't following orders?"

"Yeah, and she told me to just go home. That she was all right. But I know she's not, so maybe I should have been more persistent, I don't know…"

"I'm sure she knows you're only looking out for her. I guess she can be just as stubborn as you, so maybe she just needs time… "

"Yeah, but that's exactly what I am afraid of. Normally she is much more level-headed than I am. Ever since her CI got killed she is somehow spinning out and obsessed about this man we're working with."

Rianne tried her best to just listen and don't give any advise. The Hailey topic was still somewhat raw and she tried her best to be okay with her and Jay being close, working crazy hours and tough cases together. She persistently silenced the little voice in her head that had concerns about Hailey's motives towards Jay. She didn't want them not getting along reflect badly on him and their partnership. Thankfully Jay seemed to be content with just venting for now and wasn't looking for anything else. Instead he turned to her, caressing her cheek with his thumb, eyes going softer. Every time he looked at her like that she felt her airway tighten and her skin tingle, thinking how much she loved those green attentive orbs of his, framed by long dark lashes, tender, unusual, loving. Something like amusement and mischief now appeared in them, making the skin around them crinkle.

"Are you wearing my flannel shirts to sleep in now?" He had spotted her sporting his black-and-blue checkered shirt that he'd worn just yesterday, a smile quirking around the corners of his mouth.

His shirts always smelled so much like him, it comforted her, when she had to get into bed alone.

"I was cold and you weren't home, so… yeah, I plead guilty!" Rianne defended her actions.

"Take it off!" Jay ordered, his eyes now playful, the worried look from earlier vanished, his hand already pulling at the seams of the shirt.

"No, won't! You take it off me!"

And just like that Rianne found herself forgetting about anything bad about her days again and again.

* * *

The following evening roles were reversed and Jay had gotten off work first.

It had been a pretty stressful day. In the wee morning hours Darius Walker had turned up dead, killed in a very gruesome way, gang-payback-style. Strapped to a billiard-table, a rat dangling over him, stabbed several times. Obviously it had come to light that he had been working with the police and someone had taken a strong dislike to it.  
Voight and Hailey had been exchanging meaningful looks at the crime-scene, so it was Jay's natural instinct to inquire about the meaning behind them afterwards. Hailey had turned him down another time and didn't want to talk to him about her involvement in this. Actually she had been pretty harsh and dismissive:

"Why do you care Jay? You made it clear that you want me to stay out of your personal business, so you can stay out of mine too."

All his reasons that this wasn't personal, this concerned their job and possibly her career, were left uncommented and seemingly unheard. Hailey had just left and went to grab lunch with Rojas. Jay hoped she would come around, he really didn't know what to do to get out of this somehow strained situation with her. Sometimes she was treating him like he belonged to a different team now that he was in a relationship again.

Heating up some of the food in his fridge (another bonus of that relationship) and getting comfortable in front of the tv, Jay caught himself thinking that he normally would have stayed at the district longer. Even if their current case was sort of wrapped up, he would have been catching up on paperwork or doing research for other pending cases. Since he would not come home to an empty house anymore things had somehow changed. He was still overly invested and eager to do a great job, but there were also more reasons to take off and go home when he got the chance. So maybe he did play for a different team now.  
His apartment with Rianne in it really felt like home and not just some place to sleep at. Maybe it was a little crammed with both of their stuff and their minimized time to clean up after them regularly, but it was almost scary how they had fallen into something light and yet constantly fascinating with each other. Already so close that it felt like it had been going on forever and still rarely enough.

**_"You sure you don't want in on this?"_ **

Jay snapped a picture of his half eaten bowl of food and pressed 'send'.

_"No, dig in! I'm gonna be a while longer, sorry X!"_

He just loved that he could text Rianne, snap random photos of his day and send them to her without ever feeling like he was clingy, because she was the same. Zapping through the channels while he finished off the whole risotto Rianne had made yesterday, Jay watched his second new roommate appear. Límon climbed up on the coffee table elegantly and sniffed around the now empty bowl near Jay's propped up feet. Not finding the smell of it to his liking he started zoning in on Jay who then made faces at him. The cat seemed to roll his eye, bored. Jay laughed to himself in disbelief. CPD Detective making silent conversation with a scrawny cat in front of the tv… that really was some development.  
Next Límon used Jay's legs as some sort of ladder that led up to his lap, circled around for a few seconds and then collapsed softly. He had never done that before, so Jay was completely spellbound and held his breath. Careful to not disturb the ceasefire between them he pulled up his phone again and took a picture:

**_"Someone's taking your place. Hurry up and fight for it!"_ **

* * *

"Where's that little traitor?" Rianne called out 20 minutes later when she had finally made it back.

Límon immediately got up from where he had been contently sleeping and purring away on Jay and made himself scarce, meowing reproachfully at his mistress.

"I told you he would do that at some point," she laughed pointing at the old feline now disappearing from the room to take his seat by the window again.

Rianne collapsed into Jay the minute she sat down beside him, groaning exhaustedly. Jay muted the tv.

"Talk?"

"No, I just want to go to sleep and forget the things I've seen today…"

"Yeah, me too!"

After a minute of just cuddling and breathing together, Jay fiddling with strands of her hair that has escaped her ponytail, Rianne fished something out of her dress-pocket and handed it to him. A folded piece of paper.

"What's this?" he asked curiously, taking it from her.

"Something I can't tell you in person, because it's actually information I shouldn't even have. But I know it might be important to you, because you know, you talk in your sleep sometimes. So writing it down felt okay to me…"

She got up from the couch with one last energetic jolt and went to freshen up in the bathroom. He knew whatever the note said, she wanted to give him privacy to read it. He had no clue what the hell he had been talking about in his sleep. There were always several things on his mind he guessed.  
Jay unfolded the paper, not sure what he should expect. She'd scribbled something down in her neat handwriting:

_"She seems to be doing okay… I heard she moved out of the city with her kid and is staying with some relatives in Michigan. Maybe it's a chance for her to get her life back on track, start from scratch. I got in contact with social services there and they said she already applied to get help with Bobby's medical issues and is looking into a solid job for herself. Maybe this will bring you a little peace of mind too, I would be very happy for you!"_

Jay swallowed back his emotions, staring at those words for a whole while, tears blurrying his vision for a minute. The fact that Rianne had even bothered to do this, without him asking her to, was almost frightening. Even **he** didn't exactly know he was still thinking about Angela that much, trying to keep the rest of his guilt about all of this at bay. But now that he was holding that thin paper of hope in his hands, a thread of evidence he hadn't screwed her over completely, he knew it was of course still bothering him. He tried to calm down his heartbeat and suppress a single sob that rose up in his throat.

"You still think I should go back to therapy?" he held up the paper to her when Rianne came back into the room, wearing his checkered shirt again, woolen socks pulled up to her naked knees, curls undone, face scrubbed clean judging by her rosy cheeks.

She smelled of soap and tooth paste when she sat with him again. Or more precisely took Límon's earlier place on his lap, leaning her forehead against his.

"You have to want to go back to therapy yourself. I just gave you my humble opinion."

"And is it still your humble opinion?"

"I think there are some things still haunting you about this. Things you should definitely keep talking to someone about instead of burying them, as long as you need to talk about it. And yeah, maybe talking to a professional would help. Things unresolved have the tendency to come bubbling back up again when we least expect it."

Jay let her words sink in and then nodded, kissing her forehead before burying his face in her neck: "Thank you!"

"You're very welcome!"

He couldn't say anything else because he was already so emotionally charged. On top of everything that was going on in her own life she had bothered to dig this up. For him! Although this episode had affected her too, probably still did. She pulled him closer against her frame, running her fingers through his hair. He loved how it was always extremely soothing for him. Like she believed in him, that he would be okay. How on earth did he get so lucky?

Concerning things unresolved:

"Nate giving you any more trouble?" Jay asked after a little while of composing himself.

"No, but I was out visiting families and children in group-homes throughout the day so it would have been hard for him to tell where I would be exactly. Couldn't help but notice that a squad car was following me from time to time. But then, you already knew that, didn't you?"

He had the decency to look like she caught him doing something illegal, but quickly recovered and smiled his crooked smile at her:

"You know… the perks of dating a cop…"

"Perks… my ass. I think it's not really fair you get to spy on me!"

"I'm just concerned. I think I will have a word with patrol, they really should have been more stealthy!"

"So what about **your** protective detail? Who is looking out for you?"

"Babe, I have more people than Nate wishing something bad on me, wanting me dead or hurt at least. So if I was worried about that all the time I wouldn't be able to do my job or leave the house anymore. Rest assured: I am watching my back!"

She just hummed a little skeptical, watching his face, before she let herself fall forward against him again. It was probably a blessing that she was so exhausted, because it made her argue with him less.

"Can you carry me to bed? I am so tired I can't even move right now."

"Sure, in a minute."

He wanted to take a moment to stay right where they were for a while, with her wrapped around him like a safety blanket. Her body gradually sinking deeper and heavier into his. Not even a minute later she was asleep. Jay envied her ability to just do that sometimes, crash where she lay her head and sleep the sleep of the just.

* * *

Jay'd been up before her, she could hear the shower running in the adjoining room.  
Knowing him and his not-so-secret fitness issues he'd probably already gotten at least a 5mile-run in. His discipline was almost annoying sometimes.  
The bathroom door was left open suggestively. Rianne was tempted to step inside with him, still trying to get herself awake. But one look at her phone told her that she hadn't really enough time before work. Nevertheless she went to go brush her teeth. They were chattering madly because it was so unbelievably cold in the apartment and she had just gotten as far as putting on some underwear.

"Jay, you really have to call your landlord about this. It's freezing again in here."

This week's outside temperatures were ranking between 13 and 7 degrees, new snow had fallen up to 3 and 4 inches and Jay's heating was a bit faulty. They sometimes had worn several layers of clothing for the last two days, even inside.

"It's pretty hot in here with me…" he called out under the stream of hot water pouring down on him, fogging up the whole room.

She rolled her eyes, he laughed and faced her on purpose while shampooing his hard torso thoroughly. Rianne began brushing her teeth close to the glass cabin. Just looking at his naked body got her hot and bothered every time. Jay was watching her closely too. To try to divert the attention back to something else she began talking. Silence and just watching each other like this always ended in them having sex or at least wanting to.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Rianne said through a mouthful of toothpaste.

"You were so exhausted last night I thought you could use the extra wink of sleep until your alarm went off."

"But I like it more when you cuddle me awake!" She admitted, a bit whiney.

Rianne had been a tad bit disappointed to find the space next to her empty. Also she was worried every time that he had been up for far too long or not slept at all because of one of his episodes. Rianne wasn't sure he told her every time he was up at night and she somehow managed to sleep through it.

"I can cuddle you awake now if you want to?"

"I don't have time for that. I have a seminar this morning…"

"I'll be real quick… Besides you're constantly a little too late anyway… so no one might notice."

Instead of being offended at his comment, because it was actually true, Rianne couldn't help but look him up and down. She found her eyes being drawn to his semi-hard length, aching to touch it, swallowing hard to hide her arousal. Who was she kidding though? In the meantime Jay knew her too well and he was a dick about it sometimes. Noticing her staring he began to deliberately touch himself under the shower, making him harder by the second. Rianne bit her lip unconsciously and when she looked up at his face she saw him watching her, eyes ablaze, his lips pulled into a suggestive smile. She shook her head at him slowly:

"You're a bad, bad man Jay Halstead!"

Forcefully she averted her eyes, returning to the basin to wash her mouth and cool off her face. But she was grabbed by wet arms and pulled under the shower, hungry lips kissing her shoulders and neck. Screaming because she wasn't prepared for such an attack and to have water raining down on her suddenly, she tried to free herself from Jay's grip. She was weirdly turned on and furious at the same time:

"You're such a dork!" Her comment got him laughing even harder.

"Now I have to completely dry my hair so that it won't freeze on my head in this terrible cold and that was like the only clean underwear I have left, because we still haven't done laundry!"

Jay didn't have a washer / dryer in his apartment and the one in the building was broken indefinitely. There was however a laundromat across the street, but neither one of them had found the time to get to it this week.

"Then you have to go "commando" today," he growled near her ear and groaned quickly afterwards, noticing what image he had just put inside his head himself: "Shit!"

"Yeah, shit! That's something for you to keep in mind all day mister!"

* * *

Rianne managed to get away from him with a bold: "Like PINK would say, it's just you and your hand…", leaving him in a sulk.  
Of course she resorted to putting on some of his still clean boxers, promising she would tackle the laundry task in the afternoon when she got off work.  
Jay loved those little domestic quarrels because they felt so normal, like finally those were problems everyone else came across sometimes. Every-day-stuff. He **really** loved the every-day-stuff with her. She made everything new and exciting, even something profound like doing laundry.

Tonight was Will's 'bachelor party' or at least 'guy's night out' to celebrate the impending wedding in a week. His old friends had insisted on doing something and Will had insisted on Jay to tag along. Natalie had opted out of a joined party this time, because the last one hadn't been going so well. She thought it had been a bad omen for the things that had happened at the first wedding or more like the wedding that didn't happen, because Will had to go into protective custody then.

Rather than looking forward to letting loose and getting drinks at some club Jay found himself wishing for an early Friday night in at his place. He could have that every other night, but still. He felt he hadn't seen enough of Rianne this week. She had promised to pick them up whenever he wanted to go home though, working a shift at Molly's in the evening. He intended to call in that favor as soon as his brother was too drunk to notice and finish what they had started this morning.

Jay even had to call before that, because he somehow had managed to forget his change of clothes for the night and wasn't able to fit a trip home into his work-schedule today. The itinerary for tonight's "boy's night out" was air-tight. Thank god for someone who knew exactly where he'd left his bag.  
He just came back from booking evidence when he ran into her just turning away from the front-desk:

"Oh, I was just about to text you I left your bag with Trudy!" She was already in her outfit for the bar-shift, tight jeans for a change clinging to her every curve, eyes painted in that feline manner.

"What? No personal exchange?" He said disappointedly and caught her waist.

"Nobody knew where you were and I'm actually short on time!"

"Thank you anyway! Really looking forward to some time-off with you tomorrow!"

"Yeah, if you're not nursing a catastrophic hangover that is…" she scoffed at him.

"Not gonna happen, because **we** got some unfinished business lady!" Jay pulled her even closer, not caring where they were right now and who saw.

"If you say so... Seriously though, I need to go! You're making me late for my shift, like again!" Her trying to make him let her go only resorted in him clinging to her more.

He wasn't ready yet. The fact that she had resisted his charms this morning still bothered him. Jay cupped her face and bestowed a wicked grin on her before he leaned in to whisper:

"The only thing I intend to **make** you is 'come'. Full stop. All weekend long…"

Sometimes he just didn't know what got into him. Something about her triggered his bold and raunchy side. Feeling her cheeks heat up at his suggestive remark and seeing her eyes go wide just gave him some kind of satisfaction.

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that to me in a police station full of people," she croaked and put her fingers over his to pry them away from her face, her eyebrows hitting her hairline in disbelief.

Despite her outward consternation he saw the heat in her blue orbs on him and how she unconsciously had licked her lip while staring at him.

"Oh, you heard correctly!" he mumbled while kissing her cheek.

Jay couldn't help but let his hand wander to her well-formed butt and squeeze it tight, though he felt Platt's eyes on them. So of course he wasn't surprised when he heard:

"Hey! Halstead: hands where I can see them!"

Rianne instantly turned around to the fellow female, as if she was snapping out of the electrically charged paralysis Jay had put her in. She pointed her finger at him in mock indignation, addressing Trudy:

"Yeah, tell your Detective that there this something called sexual harassment in a work environment!"

It made Jay splurge with laughter and let her go. Trudy gave them their best annoyed eye-roll, followed by a huffed:

"Jesus, you guys think you're so cute, don't you? Get back to work Chuckles! And **you** Mrs-Hippy-Dippy go do whatever it is you were about to do before distracting my fine policeman!"

Rianne made her exit with a whispered: "Watch yourself!" in Jay's direction and he found himself staring after her.

He imagined her swinging her behind a little more than necessary while walking out. Now he really didn't want a "boy's night out". Reluctantly he programmed himself back to work-mode with a deep sigh. Then he turned around to Platt and flashed an ultra radiant smile at her:

"You have yourself a super nice evening Sarge!"

"You're so whipped Halstead, I thought I'd never live to see the day!" The grey haired woman grumbled not batting an eye.

Jay truly didn't care. Because she was right!

* * *

Jay had kept sending some naughty texts and complained about the antics of Will and his friends, making fools of themselves at the club they were at. He had even attached some snapshots of his brother dancing on a table. Rianne had asked him then why he didn't join in and snap a picture of himself for her, which she never got an answer to.  
Now she was cleaning up at the bar at 2.30 am, distractedly checking her phone constantly. Somehow it had been slow going tonight, maybe in this cold weather people rather wanted to snuggle up at home than face the prospect of having to endure even one minute of walking out into temperatures well under 20.

"What's up with you?" Stella suddenly bumped into her with a chair she was about to put up, because Rianne wasn't paying attention.

"Sorry, I'm… This might sound crazy, but I got a bad feeling… Jay stopped answering my texts and…"

"Right, because he's probably getting drunk with his brother. Are you afraid he could be enjoying himself a little too much?" Her friend laughed and began wiping down the bar.

"No, that's not it! Just he said he didn't want to stay out too long… I don't know, it's just not like him to stop texting back…"

At least not when they had been in some kind of verbal foreplay all night long. Stella threw her a knowing look, that said she thought Rianne was making a fuss. But she knew something wasn't right. Her gut feeling had seldom been completely off.

"You ladies ready to hit the road?" Kelly shouted from the back, where he'd been closing up, helping them finish up faster.

While getting their coats, Rianne snuck another look at her phone suddenly lighting up with a new message.  
An unknown number had send her a text. Her stomach lurched with apprehension. With shaking fingers she opened the message:

It actually was a picture with the caption: "This is what 'your man' does when he's let off his leash…"

Her heart beat out of her chest as she took a closer look and a drumming sound echoed in her ears. The picture showed unmistakably Jay: Blue shirt unbuttoned, chiseled chest showing, a half-dressed blonde on top of him, sitting on his lap in what seemed like a gloomy club-environment. She was curling her fingers in his hair and shoving her tongue down his throat. Rianne instantly felt sick! This couldn't be real...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I hope you're still on board! Don't hesitate to let me in on your thoughts, I always thrive on your kind reviews and the different perspectives on the story.   
> So, some fluff, some graver themes still circling - in this chapter I thought it was nice to imagine how something like everyday-life for Jay and Rianne could look like before, as you can guess, darker clouds are about to arise on the horizon...


	39. Lunatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To increase the tension a little more: Here'e a short follow-up chapter for your weekend. Have fun and I am curious what y'all think!  
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or MED characters, only my own OC's!
> 
> Chapter Title "Lunatic" by The Slow Readers Club

In hindsight there were several things concerning that night Jay was angry with himself about. The main thing being: He was distracted. Maybe even careless and unguarded.

The other thing was: He should have just given into his urge to spend the evening with his girl, hung out at Molly's while she worked and then gone home with her. Instead he had been sexting with her like a smitten college kid to the point where his brother had gotten so annoyed with him he actually took his phone away like the laughable father figure he sometimes impersonated.

Another thing: He shouldn't have agreed to letting those friends of Will's organize the whole evening or even just choose the location. The place was a dump, a nightclub with bad music and even shabbier interior, but it was relatively cheap for downtown Chicago, so that seemed to have been the crucial point. And that there was the inevitable table-dance area of course.

Jay didn't give a shit about those kind of nights out. He'd partied way too much after he came back home from his deployments, so maybe that had been enough to last for the rest of his life. And he knew from professional experience what else was going down in those clubs. He always felt wary in some way when surrounded by so many and foreign people in these establishments. He couldn't fully let himself go and tended to watch out for shady business going on around him. This time it turned out he didn't pay enough attention.

At some point there were girls hanging around their group, keeping the guys entertained and happy. Will's friends had bought the 'groom to be' a lap dance to make this evening even more cliché. Jay kept nursing his beers and his friendly but determined distance when one of the two girls tried flirting with him, missing Rianne even more. The blonde couldn't be much older than 22, this was ridiculous. Jay felt thankful that he hopefully had outgrown the 'random hook-up in clubs' phase for good. What he was having with Rianne now was something totally different. A million times more fulfilling and satisfying than waking up to a total stranger with a screaming headache and no idea how that had happened.

When the gang was talking about moving on to another location around midnight, Jay passed, just wanting to go home. The fact that they were calling him out on his early bailing on "all the fun" they were having not bothering him for a second. This just wasn't his scene and secretly Will had known it from the beginning. When he hugged his brother goodbye the older one slurred a "Give the missus my best!" in Jay's ear and patted him on the back good-humoredly.  
Jay guessed he was forgiven, as he was also allowed to have his phone back. He let himself be talked into downing one last round of shots with everyone, before he got his jacket and left them to themselves. Taking a detour to the restrooms he was slightly swaying, he felt the effect of the alcohol catch up to his body.   
Jay was about to text Rianne, tell her he'd take a cab to join her at Molly's, cause her shift surely wasn't over yet. But he was stopped on his way out by the young girl who had tried to get her flirt on with him earlier. She was just posing in front of him in the hallway that led to the men's rooms, chewing gum in a saucy way, wriggling her body closer to his. He sighed because he didn't really have the nerve to let her down easy and get her to leave him alone.

When he opened his mouth to say something to her, Jay found himself holding on to the wall, thinking this was odd. Normally he was able to hold his liquor and estimate what amount would leave him with a buzz that was still enjoyable (apart from when he drank with Ruzek and Atwater seemingly). This was more than a slight buzz all of a sudden.

"Oh hon, you feeling okay?" The blonde cooed and touched his arm, closing in on her prey.

Jay found it suddenly hard to focus on her face in front of him, forming words was also impossible. He felt queasy. Then something sharp jabbed him in the back. Wanting to quickly turn around and see what was going on, he found he couldn't. He couldn't move, at least not fast enough. His body denied him the usual quick reflexes he was relying on each and every day.  
So much for watching his back, Jay thought as he felt foreign arms grab him from behind before his knees buckled and everything went dark around him. It seemed he really hadn't learned anything from his mistakes.

* * *

"What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Stella said beside her, snapping her out of her momentary frozen state.

Not knowing how to explain she handed her phone over to her friend before it slipped completely out of her hand. Rianne tried to get rid of the feeling that she had gotten hit in the stomach by the ugly piece of information on that technical device. She wanted to keep calm and focused, just keep breathing.

This was Jay.

Jay who had been adamant he wanted nothing more than hide away with her in the bedroom for the rest of the weekend, who couldn't keep his hands off her, who showed her everyday how much he cared. Jay who had let her in, let her see his heart and soul and who had promised to keep hers safe as well. That Jay couldn't possible be cheating on her like some cliché douchebag on a guy's night out. If he really could her radar must be completely off. She couldn't feel this close to him, couldn't see her own feelings reflected in his eyes constantly, if he didn't feel the same, could she? He wasn't that good of an actor and they had agreed on not wanting to share each other. But perhaps she had just never gotten cheated on and didn't know the signs?

"What the hell? Why should he cheat with some cheap bitch if he can have all of that?" Stella motioned to Rianne infuriated.

"Who sent you this?" Kelly inquired after Stella had showed him the picture too.

"I don't know, it's no one from my contacts. Probably a burner phone. I really don't know."

Rianne was grateful for the company of her and Kelly. Dealing with this on her own would have had her even more freaked out and feeling lost. The fact neither one of them was looking at her with the pitying look one would probably give a dupe, gave her confidence that this was completely out of character for Jay. That there was something wrong. And if there was something wrong there was a very real possibility that maybe Nate had something to do with it. And if he had something to do with it would he do something serious to Jay? Would he hurt him? Would he go to these lengths to break them up? Was she really that naive to think he would never go there?

"What do you wanna do?" Kelly touched her shoulder, breaking her train of thought, and looked at her in his 'we'll figure this out' way that comforted her momentarily.

"Either I am going to make a complete fool of myself and be the nutty jealous girlfriend I never wanted to be or I am going to never forgive myself if I don't follow up and something happened to him! So I guess I want to go find him and clear this up?"

Kelly signaled that he was on board with whatever she wanted to do and she also got the thumbs up from Stella.   
So she tried calling Jay. Maybe there was just an easy solution to this? But it went straight to voicemail, increasing her worry. She texted him and her message only got one checkmark. Rianne dared her mind to not go down that dark road and let itself be reminded of the last time this had happened. When Jay had been unreachable, had disappeared. When he had been shot for crying out loud.  
Will didn't pick up his phone either, but at least his was ringing several times. She didn't have any contact info on the others they were with, so she kept calling the older Halstead non-stop, until he finally answered:

"Hi sunshine, what up?" He was clearly drunk and in roaring spirits, some background noise indicating that he wasn't alone and certainly not at home.

"Hey, sorry to disturb you, is Jay still with you?"

"Jay? No, I thought he would be with you by now. My little brother was acting like a real fool in love, pining for you all night, so he left more than an hour ago!"

Rianne's face fell: "Was he drunk?"

"We are all drunk! He maybe less than us, but he sure had a buzz on!"

"Did he leave alone?" The question was out before she could stop herself and she subconsciously held her breath until she heard Will answer:

"What? Of course he left alone. What's going on, why all the questions?" Now Will's confusion was perfect.

He must know she wouldn't make a whole ordeal because of nothing. Rianne explained in short terms what was in fact going on or that she didn't really know yet. That it was all a little strange and had just gotten stranger.

"You tried calling him?" As if she hadn't.

"Of course I tried calling him! Where are you at right now?"

"We left the first club we were in and now… I don't know, we just got as far as getting something to eat..."

"What was the club called?"

Will told her, worry now lacing his voice at her increasing panic: "D'you think something happened?"

"I don't know Will, but I am sure as hell gonna find out!"

"I'll meet you there!"

"Can one of you drive?" Rianne questioned Stella and Kelly after she'd hung up on Will, earning assuring nods.

Without further hesitation they got settled in Kelly's Mustang in lightning speed. Rianne clutched her necklace between her thumb and forefinger, praying that she wasn't about to walk into the next catastrophe in her life.

* * *

Jay couldn't open his eyes. He really tried but the lids felt so incredibly heavy that it was an impossible task. In general there was just no way he was getting control over his body. It was just numb and heavy, his foggy mind trapped inside. Everything was exhausting.  
It felt like there was an additional weight on him, foreign hands touching his skin, tearing at his shirt and he couldn't do anything about it. Jay didn't even feel panic, only tired, swimming in a sea of emotional nothingness. The only thing he could make out was that he still must be somewhere inside a club, because it was warm, the seat against his backside incredibly cushy. Some music was still throbbing in the background, the bass vibrating through his feet on the floor and from there through the rest of his body.  
Somehow there was a cold draft he felt. Was he naked now?  
Something wet touched his lips and a sweet musky perfume hit his nose. His head fell to the side and was caught between long, artificial fingernails.   
It didn't really hurt, it was more like someone was touching his body through a thick layer of foam. He heard someone groan and wasn't sure if it had been him.

"I must say I've had to kiss worse. This one's just exquisitely beautiful!"

"Just get on with it! We didn't come here so you could drool all over him. D'you have his phone?"

How many persons were there? Two? One definitely female, the other? It was a gruffer, deeper voice. Was there someone else? Jay couldn't tell.

"Yeah… just need to… " His hand was being taken and his finger pressed to something cold and sleek.

"Here we go! Uh, nice girlfriend…"

Girlfriend… something inside him stirred at the mentioning of that word, but he couldn't form any real thoughts, nor was it enough to get himself out of this paralyzed state he was currently in.

"So sad that she won't like this one bit! Just give me that number!"

Jay felt himself drifting in and out of consciousness, because he wasn't really able to follow the conversation going on around him, didn't even catch every word, nor did he understand half of what it meant. What were they doing to him? How much time passed? Maybe this was all really a dream, but he didn't know how to get himself to wake up from it.

"You never said he was a cop!" The weight was suddenly off him.

"I didn't know he was a cop, nobody said so…"

"I don't wanna go to jail for this!"

For what exactly? What were they going to do to him? What had they done to him already? Forcing his brain to let him open his eyes just a tiny bit he could only make out small fragments of a dimly lit room. No faces, no figures. Suddenly there was this sharp pain again, this time in his arm.

"How much did you give him?" Someone shrieked.

"I don't know… should take him out for a while… and he might still be trippin' when he wakes up…"

His eyes didn't obey him anymore and he was left in darkness and confusion for another frustrating time.

* * *

"What if I'm overreacting and he just went home alone, changed his mind about wanting to come to Molly's? Crashed there drunk and the battery on his phone just died?" Rianne fretted in the car next to him, fumbling with her fingers.

Her eyes were wide, worry lines on her freckled forehead. Kelly didn't really know what to say to ease her mind. He knew from his own experiences that nothing really was out of the question when men went a little overboard on clubbing, alcohol and the company of party girls. Sometimes it just escaped from one's mind to keep a girlfriend in the loop of drunken change of plans, but he doubted this was the case here.

"Doesn't explain the picture though. I really don't pick Jay for a cheater. And my gut says: something is definitely off. So I will gladly back you up if we find him unharmed and just drunk out of his mind. Not to mention that I'll smash his perfect teeth in if he really did cheat on you!" But Kelly didn't think it would come to that.

Not after he had seen those two together last weekend and those times before. Halstead wouldn't just throw away a love like that over a club fling and a lap dance. He didn't dare say it but he knew Rianne was probably thinking it too. This one had 'set-up' written all over it.  
Severide put his foot down as best as he could to get them to River North as fast as possible so they would have some clarity.

* * *

When Jay woke up he didn't feel a thing, it was odd and almost funny for a minute.   
Pain was not really an issue here. The worst feeling was having no clue what had happened and needing a few minutes to find out where he was. To even have to doubt himself if he really was awake or still dreaming. His coordination was off, but he managed to stand up from where he had been lying on a velvet bench, his clothes in a complete disarray. Everything was turning on its axes in slow-motion until it came to a halt.

He didn't see anyone else in this room with him and despite being disoriented he knew he had and wanted to get out of here.  
Staggering forward he found the nearest door and stumbled into a corridor where the music got louder and louder. Jay kept holding on to the mirrored wall, following his instinct on where the exit of this hellhole must be. He was so incredibly slow, walking on shaky ground, threatening to give way underneath his feet. People went past him and payed no attention or made exaggerated scary eyes at him. At least he thought so. Jay pressed himself into the wall to get away from them, catching a glimpse of his own wild eyes inside one of the mirrors.

He managed to get outside, only partly aware of the extreme cold suddenly hitting his skin, but very aware that unbearable nausea was rising up once he had drawn in a fresh breath of air through his lungs. The fluorescent lights from all the clubs around, reflecting in heaps of white snow were hurting his eyes and his head in general.  
Tripping over his own feet, knocking into some partygoers when trying to reach an alleyway because he thought he might be sick any minute, Jay felt cold sweat break out on his forehead. He was shivering inside and out, suddenly struggling for air.

Then it was like his heart was fading out, the rhythm slowing down like one final song, its beat echoing in his ears.


	40. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you're all waiting to find out what happens to Jay - thank you so much for being invested in this story!
> 
> I could have had the first part out sooner, but thought it was really too short for an update, didn't want to leave you hanging with another cliffy and the rest I needed to figure out some more. Sometimes it's just hard to put into words what I so vividly imagine in my head. But here it finally goes, I hope you like it!
> 
> Chapter Title "Numb" by Dotan

"Have you seen this man?" When they arrived at the club Will had named, Rianne showed the first bouncer they got to a photo of Jay on her phone.

"I don't know, too many faces coming and going at this hour…" The big lump of a man wanted to brush them off, chewing gum and looking bored.

He just continued to wave new customers through to let them inside. It seemed like the night was only just starting to get busy. Rianne felt her aggressive side surfacing at his laxness.

"Try a little harder dude! I'm with the CFD, this is a serious investigation," Kelly threatened with authority in his voice before she could.

The bouncer eyed him suspiciously, but decided to take a closer look at the picture Rianne was still holding out to him, seemingly trying to remember. Not caring to ask himself if the Chicago Fire Department was even authorized to do such 'investigations' as Kelly had called it. Sometimes acting bold just worked.

"I guess someone looking like that, stumbled out of here some time ago. He was pretty out of it. Couldn't tell you when… like I said: Terribly busy here all night long."

Rianne doubted that as this was not the most popular club in this area, but let it slide: "Where did he go?"

"This way," the man pointed to his right and the three of them moved into that direction immediately, hoping it hadn't just been a random answer to get them off his back.

Will was nowhere to be seen, though he'd promised to be here, so they started their search without him to not loose anymore time. If he had found Jay in the meantime he would certainly have called. Rianne wondered how much use the older Halstead would be in his intoxicated state anyway. He had sounded really drunk.

"Have you tried calling Jay again? Maybe by some miracle his phone's switched on now, or he just didn't have reception earlier," Stella said behind her, when they pushed their way through a crowd of people in their evening's best.

High-spirited party-goers with not a care in the world all around, while Rianne felt her own world dangerously spinning on its axis right now.  
She didn't know which way to look, which way else to turn her head to hopefully catch a glimpse of hazel colored, well-groomed hair or something else that gave them a clue where Jay was. She wished for nothing more than him surfacing out of the blue, unharmed, unbothered. There were a lot of words she would have for him if that were the case, maybe even some fantasies of inflicting pain on him for making her worry like this. But the longer they searched the less Rianne thought this was actually realistic.

They stopped for a second to try his phone anew. A desperate move as it went straight to voicemail. So finding him by miraculously getting a ringing sign, if they would even be able to hear it above the hubbub of the nightlife, was not an option.  
Kelly jogged up and down the streets to look into every club entrance and food stand and ask around.  
Stella and Rianne called out for Jay while scouting every alleyway, never getting an answer and never seeing anything. It was like he had dropped off the face of the earth.  
Rianne's frustration and fear were growing constantly. She felt like they were running out of time while she equally had no idea how many minutes had passed since they had started looking for Jay.  
When there were less people around them because they had been walking away from the bigger hotspots, she grabbed on to her friends arm:

"Stella? If we find him and it's bad, I need you to make sure I don't freeze and fuck this up again!"

"Girl you won't! You're stronger than this! And he will be fine!" Stella hugged her close to her chest and squeezed tight for a second.

Rianne was fighting to not start to cry. Tears weren't helping. They weren't bringing her any closer to finding her guy.

Kelly joined them again, shaking his head to let them know he had been unsuccessful.  
Feeling the need to gather her thoughts and think straight where Jay could have possibly gone, not wanting to believe he had been kidnapped, taken, or gone home with someone else, Rianne sank down on her haunches. She held her face in her hands for a few seconds, trying to find something, a sign inside her, a clue. Looking up at the ground in front of her, her eyes caught on to something black in the snow just at the corner of a nearby house entrance. Rianne took a step closer and extracted the object from the white powder it had sunken into. Her pulse was racing when she muttered:

"This is Jay's watch!"

"You sure?" Stella asked.

It could be any man's watch at first glance. Black, big, athletic, lots of functions.

Rianne turned it around in her hands, nodding to her friends: "I'm sure. I always make fun of him cause it's this enormous multifunctional thing just short of telling you what your daily intake of protein is and possibly reminding you of your next doctor's appointment..."

She also knew for sure because she had written "Nerd" in a heart-shaped bubble with golden permanent marker on its backside. When Jay had noticed last week they'd had an extensive play-fight about it, involving pillow throwing and her teasing him again about that control instrument of his. So he had to be around somewhere. Or at least had to have been. But how did one loose his special watch?

Still she couldn't see anything else. But Kelly suddenly began to move into the alley, fastening his steps. Stella followed suit, Rianne got up from the ground and heard Kelly call out to her with urgency:

"Call an ambulance! Stella, now!" Before any of the women had even seen what he was seeing he started to run.

Stella did as she was told, and momentarily fell back. Rianne hurried to keep up with Kelly, her heart in her throat and the sound of their steps and elaborated breathing in the cold obscenely loud to her. She only saw what Kelly had seen as he was already crouching down over an unmoving figure, who's body had been almost hidden beneath some trashcans and bricks, lying face down in the snow.

"Hey Jay! Buddy hey, can you hear me?"

So it really was him? Kelly had turned the body around so that he was on his back now. Rianne recognized boots she had packed for Jay earlier this evening on very still feet. She heard no sound. Moving in closer and seeing a deadly pale face and blue lips Rianne felt as if she was being hit in the chest by a wrecking ball. She tried to suppress the flashbacks very hard that were threatening to overwhelm her at the sight of Jay's lifeless body in front of her. They had just been through this! He had just been brought into the ED bleeding out a few weeks ago. This couldn't be real. There was no blood, she tried to tell herself, there was no blood. This was a good thing, right? Right?

Kelly was still trying to get a reaction out of Jay, touching his face and rubbing his sternum, constantly addressing him in a loud voice.

"Is he dead?" she heard herself whisper repeatedly, not able to move an inch.

Grabbing her underarms she tried to remember to momentarily go to her 'inner safe place', breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth a couple of times. When Stella joined them she immediately went down next to Kelly, getting filled in on the status of their patient by Severide in a curt language. No matter if friend or foreigner somehow their training kicked in. They were rendering aid, so this had to mean there was still something they could do.  
Having made sure that her triggers wouldn't take over, Rianne got on her knees next to Jay. Her friends had secured his body in recovery position and placed Kelly's coat under him. Moisture was instantly soaking through her denim clad knees in the snow. She reached out to touch Jay's face, getting in contact with somehow clammy and icky warm skin, looking kind of waxen. Otherwise there was not a scratch on him, at least none she could see. Rianne however noticed the naked skin of his upper body, traces of vomit on the sleeves of his dress shirt. Why wasn't he wearing a jacket and his beanie she knew he'd had with him this morning? What the hell had happened to him? And why was he not responding?

Stella looked at her concerned, while she kept her fingers on Jay's neck to check his pulse again and mumbled under her breath:

"Rianne… he's high as a kite!"

"What do you mean?"

"He's either been taking something or he was drugged!"

"How do you know?"

"His pupils are dilated, his lips and fingers are blue, he's unusually hot although I guess he could have been lying out here in the cold for some time…"

Her friend must have seen her eyes go wide in shock, so she tried to calm her down with the good news about this, if one could even call it that:

"But he's breathing on his own, his heartbeat is there, it's really weak though. So I need you to keep a good thought okay?"

"What can I do? Tell me what I can do!" Rianne was grateful that Stella was upfront with her but afraid to do something that would hurt him more. She wanted to be of use so bad.

"Gimme your jacket, talk to him, hold his hand. The ambulance should be only minutes out. Actually place his head in your lap. Help him if he should be sick again!"

Just now Rianne noticed the pool of vomit next to where Kelly was still kneeling and got slightly aware of the latent stench around them. Maybe it was a good thing Jay didn't register any of this, he would be so embarrassed.  
They tried to keep his body warm until the ambulance arrived, Rianne holding him, covering him with her and Stella's jackets. They all were freezing in the winter cold of this Chicago night, making sure Jay's heart didn't stop at any time. It worried Rianne that he wouldn't really wake up, only breathed pretty shallowly, not reacting to any word she said. If she hadn't felt the tender beat of his heart through the skin on his wrist she was pressing her fingers in and the heat of his body, he would have looked dead to her.

Suddenly sirens sounded in the distance, Kelly ran back to the street to guide the way. Rianne was constantly praying that they'd hurry up and get Jay some help. Then there were blue lights everywhere, reflecting from brick walls and the dirty white ground.

* * *

"Possible drug overdose. We don't know on what. Severe hypothermia, IV was placed on the ride. We've already given Narcan, no seizures so far! Unsteady heart-rhythm, he flatlined once in the ambo."

"How long was he out there?"

"How much did he take?"

"How long has he been unconscious?"

Those were all questions that no one could answer. While several nurses and the ED doc in charge saw to Jay she felt useless and stupid. Rianne had been banned from the room once the emergency treatment protocol had set in that always looked so chaotic to her. She was a wreck, barely keeping it together after having witnessed Jay needing to be resuscitated on the ride over. Everything had happened so fast. She had tried to stay as close to him as much as the limited space in the car had allowed, constantly swallowing back her tears and terror at seeing him like this. What had happened to the vibrant and flirtatious, wired man from this morning?  
His body had been plagued with terrible tremors all the way to the hospital and then out of the blue there had been that terrible prolonged sound, indicating that his heart suddenly stopped. That it was too much.  
There'd been no time to scream or cry or get all hectic and useless. The paramedic had instructed her to handle the oxygen bag on his count and started CPR immediately, thankfully bringing Jay back pretty quickly. It had left her in shock however just how close they still were to losing him at any second.

Rianne was terribly relieved when she saw Maggie Lockwood charging down the corridor, checking in on her. Finally someone she knew. It seemed everyone on shift tonight was unfamiliar to her.  
And there was just something on her mind that she found difficult to ask of someone she didn't really know, although it felt important. Stepping closer to the older woman after she had indicated that she herself was fine and didn't need anything other than Jay to be okay, Rianne found herself asking in a stage-whisper:

"Could you tell them to do a … fuck, this sounds really stupid..." she didn't even know how that would look like on a male recipient, but it didn't matter:

"Could they do a rape kit on him?"

"You think he was sexually assaulted?" Maggie gaped at her in shock.

"I just wanna rule out the possibility!"

Rianne told her in a few words where they had found him, what condition he might have been in even in the club, and what kind of picture she had gotten tonight. Maggie told her not to worry and went to talk to the people in charge.

She didn't want to think about what she would do if it turned out to be positive. But Rianne knew Jay would want to know. And he had every right to! If all this had happened while he had been out of it, completely high on drugs, without any control of the situation, she just had to make sure that he would gain back some.  
He would be beside himself and possibly in some pain when he woke up, if he woke up. She didn't want to imagine the second option. Jay just had to be okay! Things had just started to come together for them.

Rianne held on to the cool metal of Jay's watch in the pocket of her jeans, clinging to the hope that this was not his time to leave her behind.

* * *

Will stormed into the ED, Stella and Kelly in hot pursuit. He'd just arrived at the scene when the ambulance had driven off and he saw the two firefighters making their way back to their car to follow it. So he had hitched a ride with them. His little brother really had to change something about his frequent flyer status at Chicago Med.  
Will couldn't take any more images of people in fear about his brother struggling with fatal injuries or whatever it was he always got himself into.  
Right now that picture was perfectly portrayed by his outside a treating room Rianne was walking in small circles, arms wrapped around herself, slightly trembling, lips pinched together. Maggie was getting her a blanket and a cup of hot coffee when they approached, which she accepted gracefully.  
Rianne wasn't totally happy though when she saw him. Her tone was accusatory, her eyes sparking with some fury left besides all the worry:

"Where have you been?"

"I went back into the club when I couldn't find you guys. Checking if Jay was still somewhere inside. Of course he wasn't, so I went back out on the street… Where's he? What happened?"

"Will, he overdosed!" This much he already knew as he had been filled in by Stella and Kelly on their ride over here:

"Is he okay?"

"Of course he's not okay! He's getting his stomach pumped right now and what not!" Her voice reached an untypical high pitch.

"Fuck. How the hell did that happen?"

"I don't know! I thought you could shed some light on the how and why of this mess! Maybe you should have been there?! You know what situation we are in, how he easily could have been the target of a sick revenge plan!"

Will had to admit that this hadn't been on his mind at all throughout the evening. And Jay hadn't seemed to be too worried either. Yeah, he hadn't been the most enthusiastic attendee tonight, but Will had blamed that on the fact of Jay being Jay and especially Jay being a lovesick buzzkill at the moment. Maybe that had been somewhat naive, still Rianne had no right to blame this solely on him:

"Oh wow, I see the side of my brother that is quick to judge has already rubbed off on you!" Now he was slightly pissed too.

But when her eyes softened, realizing what she just said, his anger was blown off immediately.  
Rianne hung her head, pulling the blanket closer around her. Just now he noticed that her lips were slightly blue and her teeth chattering:

"I'm sorry Will… I know it's not your fault! But I am trying really hard not to play 'what if' here and barely holding it together! His heart stopped in the ambo and they had to bring him back. We still don't know if there is any permanent damage from what he took or was injected with and him being out there in the cold for so long!" The muscles in her jaw were working hard to keep a straight face and she wiped angrily at the tears that were escaping her eyes.

Stella went to hug her, but she held her off with an apologetic hand gesture.

"It's all right. I'm already blaming myself that I didn't notice anything…Didn't see him off in a cab…" He pulled her into his side and put an arm around her shoulder, not caring that she had brushed off her friend just a second ago.

He couldn't tell if it was more to console him or her. Will certainly felt like crying too, the buzz he was still feeling making him overly emotional.

"You smell terrible!" Rianne wrinkled her nose in disgust, but still let her head fall into his chest momentarily.

"Yeah, I should probably try to sober and clean myself up quickly!"

* * *

After what felt like forever someone finally gave them an update. Will's colleague in charge pulled him and Rianne into a room to have more privacy. Now she was actually glad that she wasn't alone as that doctor seemed to be a little over-correct and would insist that he could only give out information to immediate family. Will had just grabbed her arm and towed her with him anyway. He had taken a quick sponge bath in the break room and changed into some scrubs to get rid of his stench from a wild night out. His hair was all over the place though. Rianne didn't even want to know what she looked like right about now.

"So, he's stable for now. He had a pretty wild mix of Tranquilizers, Ketamin and Opioids in his system. He's actually lucky to have survived this. We're giving him warming fluids to balance out his system and treat the hypothermia… It was good you found him when you did. Just a little longer and he would have either frozen to death or his heart would have stopped."

"What about the..." Rianne was glad she didn't need to say it, that the man knew what she had wanted to ask.

Only Will looked a little puzzled.

"Negative! We couldn't find any signs of sexual assault, violent..." Rianne zoned out.

Hearing it was negative was enough for her. Somehow even the thought of someone doing something like forcing himself on Jay had her completely freaked out. She didn't need a detailed description on where they had poked and prodded him to find out if there were any traces of another woman or man on his body. Gross!

"... Seeing this is a severe drug overdose you will understand that I need to report this!"

Rianne perked up again and felt Will tense beside her as well:

"What did you just say?"

"That I have to report this. After all it could have been a suicide attempt. I will have to bring in psych for that."

"Are you fucking with me Ian? This is my brother we're talking about. He didn't do this on purpose!" Will was instantly furious with his co-worker.

"Jay would never do this! He was drugged! That wasn't intentional!"

"We don't know that. So... this is what I'm gonna do!"

"Wait up, **no way** this is what you're going to do."

Will placed himself beside his colleague and the door, adamant to convince him to not act on the protocol that he wanted to follow.  
Listening for a few seconds to the two doctors fighting, Rianne inserted herself, her determination to put a stop to this nonsense clearly to be detected in her voice. Sometimes there was only one last resort, she thought: Get help! She was really too tired to be fighting things that weren't in her power:

"I'm calling Voight!"

She wouldn't let this happen to Jay. They couldn't report this. It would probably destroy his career if it was put in his file, wouldn't it? And yeah, maybe he needed someone to talk to about this, about what happened to him, but certainly not because he had wanted to kill himself by shooting up on purpose. This was clearly nonsense.  
Jay had told her many times, though not in those exact words, that his boss had a way of making things go away. She needed someone powerful at their side right now. They needed help to find out who did this to him. He couldn't have done it to himself, Jay wouldn't.  
So even if Rianne felt a little awkward she dialed the number Jay had put in her phone for emergencies. This certainly did count as one. The call was picked up at the second ring, by a gruff:

"Yeah?" The man on the other end of the line didn't sound at all as if he had just been woken up at almost 5 in the morning.

"Sergeant Voight? This is Rianne. Jay's girlfriend? I know it's the weekend and the middle of the night, but I need your help! **He** needs your help! There's been an incident, we're at Med."

"I'll be there in 15."


	41. Nothingness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Nothingness" by Editors

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or MED characters, only my own OC's!**

* * *

Getting called at any impossible time of day or night was nothing Hank Voight got teed off about. It was part of his job and he had chosen this life.  
As there was really no one left complaining about these disturbances at ungodly hours he sometimes feared he didn't even notice anymore. It didn't matter, there wasn't much room for privacy anyway and who was he kidding: he lived for this stuff.  
What **did** matter though was whenever he got a call that one of his team members found her or himself in a difficult and dangerous situation. Even more so a situation that no one was expecting because it didn't revolve around an active case. And it mattered even more that again he had been called about Halstead. That kid really wasn't able to catch a break currently. Also it seemed that the one's Hank cared most about always found some banana peel more to skid on.

Wide awake and alert due to adrenaline and two strong espressos on the way he strode into the ED of Chicago Med just 15 minutes after he'd gotten the call. Just like he'd promised. Will Halstead awaited him at the front desk. It felt like only yesterday he'd been here waiting on updates on his brother's status after Jay had gotten shot.

"Walk with me!" The red-head nodded curtly, looking a little pasty and certainly not completely sober.

"What are we dealing with?" Mostly time was of the essence so Voight demanded infos on their way to wherever his detective was.

"Jay, me and some friends of mine have been out drinking. At one point he wanted to go home or rather meet Rianne at Molly's, so he left. Turns out he never got there. Rianne received a picture of Jay making out with another girl. She didn't buy it and got a bad feeling, so her Severide and Kidd went to look for him. They found Jay in some alleyway a half mile away from the club we were in earlier, seriously shot up with drugs and almost frozen to death. We think he was set-up, but the problem is we can't really prove that, so it would be reported as a self-inflicted drug overdose and possible suicide attempt if we don't do something..."

Voight took this in, gave Will a frown and one of his signature grunts. Some predicament Halstead had gotten himself into, again.  
They had reached a room in the ED where he was greeted with an almost familiar picture: Jay propped up in a hospital bed, oxygen and monitors, IV's attached to him, distraught looking female by his side. He guessed it was the fate of dating a policeman, especially one like Jay to spend a lot of time fearing for his life. He knew for sure Camille had went through this constantly.

"Sergeant Voight, thank you so much for getting here so quickly! I'm really sorry..."

The moment they opened the door to the room Rianne Torres Delgado jumped up from the seat she had taken next to Jay's bed. She shook his extended hand with quite some force despite looking tired and stressed out.

"Don't apologize and please call me Hank! So, he hasn't woken up yet?" He jutted his chin out to where his detective was lying, unmoving, limp and terribly pale.

Just a steady beeping of the heart-monitor announced he was in fact alive.

"No, but he's stable and this is definitely not a coma. His body has suffered a lot of trauma from the extreme exposure and the effect of all those drugs. So the doctor's said it's perfectly normal that it might take him a while to come to. I just hope there is no permanent damage...no one knows exactly how long he's been out there before we found him and his heart stopped at least once..." her normally clear and melodious voice faded and her eyes glazed over.

Hank put his hand on Rianne's shoulder to keep her in the present:

"I've seldom seen a tougher guy like him, so he will pull through, believe me!"

He was almost tempted to add a 'kiddo', because she looked so unbelievably young right now. In comparison to him he guessed they all were.  
Rianne nodded at him thankfully, her eyes flitting across to Halstead. She must still be in shock, so before her emotions could overwhelm her Hank kept asking questions about what they were dealing with here:

"So, about the overdose report thing: I'm gonna take care of that. As long as there is a possible crime investigation going on and nothing's proven yet he's not being reported to anyone! I will make sure of that! I just need to know if you got any ideas on who could have done this, and you need to tell me exactly if Jay's been acting weird and we haven't noticed. I guess telling from recent experiences I have my doubts about how he won't do something like that once more and get himself into trouble..."

And maybe Voight was still holding a tiny grudge about this chapter with Halstead that made him more suspicious than usual.  
Putting this aside he listened as Rianne told him about their recent problems concerning her former roommate Nate Ruzek. He partly knew about the restraining order and the altercation that had preceded. Talking about the things her and Jay had gone through in the past weeks, Rianne found her voice again and talked herself into some kind of rage, her fists clenched at her sides:

"Believe me Sarge, I don't wanna even think he could do something like that and I am not sure how he would have done it, but I am gonna make damn sure he's going to stop!"

"No, that is exactly what you're **not** going to do! Be smart - you got a restraining order out against him, so you are not allowed to approach either. If it is what you think it is: This might be exactly what he wants: **You** making contact again would be contraindicated! You hear me? So you stay here and see to Jay, take care of him, make sure **he** doesn't do anything stupid and let us handle this. Call me if he wakes up and remembers anything! I'll rope in the team, see if we can get our hands on some surveillance footage from the club and take it from there, establish a time-line. Maybe we'll recognize some of the patrons there. It still could have been someone else that holds a grudge against Jay. As a policeman in this city you usually don't have a lot of friends."

Rianne nodded, still looking furious like a little girl that was told to stand down because she wasn't allowed to play with the older kids. Though being glad that Halstead obviously had a little fighter by his side there was a tiny crumb of worry at the back of Voight's mind to how predictable her actions were when it came to something she was invested in.

"Gimme your phone! That message you were talking about: I need to see it!" Voight reached out his hand.

Rianne hesitated to hand it over and he tried to make a less intimidating face, giving her a tight smile:

"Don't worry, I don't care about any kind of private information that's on it or other texts and pictures..."

But he needed that unknown number checked and any information that could possibly be found in that small snapshot, so he forwarded everything to his phone.

"I'll need that medical report on Jay too, a.s.a.p. Now show me who of the staff here wants to mess with a Chicago Police Officer!" Voight addressed Will who was still hovering in the doorway and left with him.

* * *

Jay found it still hard to open his eyes. Excruciatingly slow he was aware of **some** worldly substance around him. Suddenly he was not just floating around in groundless space without any connection to earth and reality whatsoever. Voices drifted through a still thick layer of cotton wool balls around him, but it was at least something:

"We brought your truck and some change of clothes for the two of you. D'you need anything else?."

"No, thank you guys, you're the best! Just go home, get some sleep. I'll call you as soon as things change!"

He definitely knew that second voice. It was the voice that made his day, everyday since almost three months.  
Jay was pretty sure he had even heard Voight's voice at some point and his brother's, but then it could all be a trick of his mind again. One of those shellless dreams he had found himself in throughout the night. Or was it already day?  
Somehow he lingered in some kind of state were lines, time and structure pretty much faded and blurred into an intangible mess where he couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. A state where he lacked lucidity and in which he didn't even feel a single thing. Neither happy, nor sad, neither relaxed nor agitated, he just was, numb.  
For a man who normally felt a lot of things very deeply this would be something he'd be absolutely horrified by in retrospect.

* * *

When his eyes didn't feel quite so much like they were sewn shut anymore, Jay tried blinking them open.  
The room was dimly lit and he was thankful for it. Only the light that shone through the glass panels separating the room from the hallway was illuminating it a little, so that he could take in his surroundings, but wasn't blinded by it. He had already sensed earlier that he had to be in a hospital. Now he found his suspicions to be true. It was just something about the general vibe and smell of it that had crept even into his unconsciousness, maybe the constant beeping of several machines around too.

He frowned at the IV poking out of his hand. Great - **again**!  
Looking to the other side of his bed though he felt instantly better: Roséblonde and brunette colored hair fanned out over his whole side, Rianne had obviously fallen asleep waiting for him to wake up. Her left hand was wrapped tightly around his right and her other arm was draped over his upper body under the bedding, her palm warming his heart. Jay wasn't yet aware that she was also making sure that there was still a beat for her to feel. She wasn't sleeping too deeply though. When Jay's fingers fastened around hers she stirred and raised her head:

"Hey," she whispered, getting herself upright and shaking the tiredness off of her.

Imprints of the duvet were visible on her cheek, a little trace of dried mascara under her eyes.

"Hi," he heard himself croak out.

His throat was scratchy and there was an ugly taste in his mouth. His lips felt like sandpaper.

"How are you feeling?"

She must have seen him lick his lips several times, anticipating that he had to be thirsty, cause she handed him a cup of water with a straw and dampened his lips with some washcloth. The water was rather warm Jay noticed but it worked for him. Actually he felt rather chilly.

"Sore… somewhat numb…cranky…overall weak I guess," Jay responded, checking his status himself while he was answering her question.

Scrambling in the depth of his mind how he had ended up here.

"D'you know what day it is and where we are?" Rianne took the cup away again when he was finished and placed it on the little table next to her, watching him searchingly.

"Last time I checked it was Friday night blending into Saturday morning, November 9th. Telling from the awful vibe that always freaks me out I guess we're at Med..." He was aware that relief washed over her face at his answer, but he couldn't really figure out why to that extend.

Rianne looked at him like it was a miracle he was talking in whole sentences and what he was saying actually seemed to make sense. Jay noticed that her hands were slightly shaking, when she ran them through her messy hair.

"Okay, one last question: Do you know who you are and who I am?"

Jay touched his head with his free hand. He didn't feel any pain there besides a slight headache that resembled more like one of a hangover than a head-injury. But judging by her questions there could be something wrong with his brain. When he didn't come up with a bandage or stitches and there was still all the hair on his skull he looked a little confused:

"I am batman and you're the woman I was trying to catch last night? It seems I took a wrong turn, because I really wasn't planning on meeting you in a hospital. Of course I know who we are! What's with all the questions?"

"To say that you took a wrong turn is like the understatement of the year..." she smiled, but it was a wry smile.

He reached out for her, because he didn't like the amount of pain evident on that pretty face. It was etched into her bleary eyes that were usually so bright. He ran his fingers over the lines of the little dandelion seed inked onto her left underarm. Her fingers linked with his carefully again and he pulled her up against the side of the bed.  
Jay felt like he should apologize for something he did, yet didn't know what exactly he should be apologizing for. Trying to remember only made his head hurt more, it was like he was completely unable to connect the present with the moment he had been about to leave his brother last night. He however got the disquieting feeling that whatever had happened was bad.

"Would you please come closer and tell me what's wrong with me?" He found himself still shivering slightly, the chill budding from within.

It felt better when Rianne perched beside him on the bed finally, reducing the physical distance between them. Jay leaned into her touch when she brought her hand up to cup his face, maintaining in that position for a while to watch him, her eyes speaking of some kind of insecurity he didn't really understand.

She pressed a trembling kiss to his forehead: "Jay what happened at the club?"

"I can't really remember… It's all a blur." He tried sitting up straighter, feeling his throat and stomach hurt a little more with the movement, but he wanted to get closer to her.

Wanted to feel her and feel that they were okay. So he was incredibly relieved when Rianne hugged him as best as she could in that bed. A single tear rolled down her cheek that she did try to cover up by wiping her cheek on her shoulder. She visibly breathed in a little deeper when she looked up at him again:

"Jay, you were drugged..."

He nodded solemnly, urging her to continue. Jay had already assumed it had to have been something like that for his memory to be so spotty.

"We still don't know why or how exactly that happened, but fact is Kelly, Stella and I found you in some alley, unconscious in the snow... you were hypothermic, you almost went into heart-failure. You had your stomach pumped once we arrived here and they did everything to warm your body up and cleanse it of any traces the drugs might have left... but until you woke up no one could say if there would be any more damage to... let's say your brain... your mental capacities..."

She pulled something from the pocket of the too big sweatpants she was wearing. When she handed it over to him he could see it was his watch.

"Where'd you find this?" Jay had many more questions but he found it hard to take in everything she had just told him.

He didn't even know how he was feeling about any of this and guessed he was still a little subdued.

"It's maybe the reason why you're still alive. We found it at a street-corner. It kind of led us to you."

Letting the cold metal of his beloved timing device run through his fingers, Jay thought he had some kind of flashback. A memory that was coming back to him. A memory of him practically tearing that watch from his arm because it had felt like his skin was too tight, like it was on fire, like the foreign object was burning itself into his flesh. It send a chill up and down his spine. What else had he forgotten?

"Why'd you come looking for me in the first place?" he mumbled, his mind trying to put pieces together, but coming up empty.

Rianne didn't get to answer his question. They were interrupted by a whole troop of nurses and doctors waltzing in for rounds.

Jay'd been feeling completely exhausted after the cohort of medical staff had been in with him and put him through more tests and prodding. He hadn't been able to fight the sleep that was again spreading his wings over him and sort of blacked out again. Although his mind was back to processing and eager to get to the bottom of everything, his body just wouldn't let him.

When he woke up again he was faced with the alarming discovery that he had slept dreamlessly for more than five hours and he was greeted with the friendly looking face of Dr. Charles, Rianne's body at his side still warming his.  
He didn't know that she had fought tooth and nails that Daniel Charles especially would see him, not allowing another intern or resident in this room until it was his shift.  
Nevertheless Jay was astonished that someone from psych was coming in at all. He didn't get why there was a psych evaluation necessary. Right now he felt rested enough and ready to get out of here and he still felt like there was something he hadn't been told yet.

"Hi Jay, how are you doing this fine evening?"

"Ready to get out of here?"

"I'm afraid I have to sign off on that first. Seems you gave everyone a real scare last night. Could we maybe talk alone for a few minutes?" Dr. Charles let his eyes wander to Rianne who was getting up from the bed.

Why did **he** need to sign off on his release?

"She stays!" Jay instantly grabbed her forearm and heard her wince.

It seemed he had put a little more force to it than he had intended, but he suddenly got the feeling that there were more bad news to come and he couldn't deal with them if he felt left alone. With Rianne leaving his side he was bound to feel more vulnerable in this peculiar environment. His eyes send her an apologetic glance and when he saw Dr. Charles nodding his consent he relaxed inwardly, but sat up straighter in bed.

"Have you been informed about your medical condition?"

"Yeah, I have."

"Okay, so... have you also gotten a chance to be caught up on the surrounding circumstances?"

"Such as?" All these questions were slowly irritating him.

"Actually we haven't had a chance to talk about everything," Rianne interrupted their conversation. "May I?"

After Dr. Charles urged her to go on with an inviting gesture, she filled Jay in on the things that he remembered he'd asked about earlier, but had fallen asleep over. The reason why they went looking for him, the picture, the blonde, the suspicions of a set-up, the threat of him being reported as a drug-addict with suicide intentions. Flashes of last night were whizzing by at her words, but was there anything real about them? Jay felt an adrenaline rush and himself getting uptight. He was already scanning the room for his clothes or something he could put on to get out of here.

"Hearing this, how does it make you feel?" The annoyingly calm voice of the psychiatrist stopped his planning of an escape route momentarily.

"Are you kidding me? How do you think this makes me feel?" Jay sneered at the good doctor, already regretting that someone undeserving received his wrath, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"Show me the picture!" He addressed his girlfriend, knowing fully well he was on the verge of snapping.

He found he couldn't deal with the hesitation in her eyes. Did she realize what she had just told him? Swinging his legs out of the bed and taking her phone off his nightstand he held it out to her demandingly:

"Show me the fucking picture Rianne!"

When she did as he told her and he saw the snapshot and the caption there was nothing holding him back. The room suddenly felt too small for him and everything that was surfacing inside. Jay was already itching to tear away at his chains in form of everything this hospital stood for and flee. He began to unplug himself from the machines. He didn't need this anymore. He was fine.  
Jay heard Rianne gasping for air next to him, obviously trying to intervene, but it seemed Dr. Charles told her to stand down by shaking his head at her. That they were silently communicating about him made him feel even more like a child and he so hated that feeling.

"So Jay I get that you're angry right now, I know you want to go after whoever did this to you. But nevertheless I need to hear you say, that you weren't trying to kill yourself last night!" Dr. Charles shut off the alarm from the heart-monitor that went off at being disconnected.

Jay was glad the man didn't stop him or tried to put him back to bed. He didn't know what he would have done had he made a move.

"I am completely distancing myself from ever doing such a thing! Also I don't do drugs in general! I never have!" Jay was even more offended that anyone could even think something like that.

He was out of bed in no time, putting all his raging energy into stripping down and getting into clothes that lay on a chair in the corner. Where were his shoes?

"Good. That's what I thought. But still: Being the recipient of violence, such as being drugged, your body being used in something like sexual assault, someone threatening your relationship, you not being able to defend yourself and remember everything clearly, can cause a lot of psychological repercussions. So I recommend you let us help you to get through this and take a moment to process."

A high-pitched buzzing sound was in his ears, trying to shut images out at those words directed at him. Jay didn't want to be a victim of anything. He wasn't a victim and he didn't need time to process! He had understood what had gone down just fine.

"I'm fine. And the best way for me to process this is to get out of here as fast as I can!"

To get out and be in control again. The feeling of being trapped returned and it scared the hell out of him:

"So this is what'll do!"

* * *

"I have to get to the district, give me your keys!"

"No! Jay, you should rest up! Hell you just fucking discharged yourself!" Rianne yelled back at him in the same way he had just yelled at her.

"Either you come with me or you drop me off there or I'll get there some other way! Rianne I don't need to sleep or rest or whatever! I need to find out what happened and fill in my blanks!" Jay had stopped in front of her truck and grabbed her shoulders, not very gently.

A manic expression had manifested itself in his light eyes that she didn't know. It scared her, just like his whole demeanor scared her since he had practically jumped out of his hospital bed, gotten dressed and towed her out of the building. The hollow needle from his IV was still stuck in his hand, because he hadn't been patient enough to wait on someone to get it out, so he had just ripped off the tube.

"But your team's already on it!" She tried to argue grabbing the hem of his jacket, but already knowing it would be in vain.

"I should be with them. I am the one this happened to and I am not going to watch from the sidelines!"

"Voight said he'd call us if there is any news! No one **has** called, am I right?"

"You also told me that you were to call when I woke up and remembered something!" Jay finally let go of her shoulders, and she couldn't help but rub them shortly, because they were aching.

"But you still don't remember anything really, do you?"

"Some things are coming back!"

"Right, you could just as well tell that to Voight over the phone!" It was rather frustrating and a waste of air to argue with him when he was being like that.

Jay's mouth was already that pale white line again, barely able to keep from blowing a gasket because she was not letting him go without an argument. In a hospital parking lot to top it all.

"You don't get it, do you!?" He shook his head at her in disbelief and there was something else in his wild stare directed at her.

Admittedly she got it, to an extend. Hell, she even had that impulsive streak herself and she didn't like uselessly lying in hospitals either. She wanted to find out who did this and get justice as well. But she had promised Voight to not let him do anything stupid and she had the feeling that as usual his heart and his emotions were getting the better of him. Not taking a minute to think about himself, or rather his health. And if she was being honest there was that selfish aspect: She was crestfallen he was not giving **her** the chance to cherish having him safely by her side for a little while longer.

"Why are you mad at me right now?"

"I am not mad at you!"

"Pretty sure feels that way though!"

"Are you getting in or not?" Jay snatched the keys out of her hands, taking her by surprise, leaving her stupefied by his actions.

Then he just got behind the wheel of the Ford and slammed the door shut, opening the passenger door from the inside, waiting for her to jump in.  
But he wasn't looking back at her, just straight ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thanks for reading on, if you've reached my author's note. As there are no pre-written chapters anymore (just some passages and ideas I come up with now and then, but no endless pages) updates take a little longer, but I promise I am giving it my all to find the time in between for this story!  
> I am not an expert on medicine so I hope you forgive me for any errors you may find in this chapter, it's still just fan-fiction, so...
> 
> Your continued support through likes, comments, reviews, and PMs just makes me incredibly happy and grateful! Thank you so much and a happy end of the week for you all! Stay healthy and safe!


	42. Wild Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry, but I've had an awful week. I was really uninspired and stressed out by all the craziness in general and at work. Also Christmas preparations feel so weird and different to me this year. I hope it doesn't reflect too much in this chapter. I've still tried my best to write on the side and I hope you can forgive me. Thank you all so much for reviewing the last chapter!  
> By the way: I've been inventing/changing my chapter titles. Now it's like a "Jay Rianne" soundtrack somehow. The songs reflect what they sound like to me as they continue their journey together. Of course sometimes there would have to be several songs for some chapters, but I decided to just stick with one signature song per installment. Maybe you wanna check it out.
> 
> Chapter Title "Wild Dog" by Animor

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or MED characters, only my own OC's!**

* * *

Although she had half a mind to let Jay take off by himself because she didn't like to be ordered around, Rianne couldn't let him drive alone.  
Too deep was the shock of having been a witness to his heart stopping, to seeing his lifeless figure in the snow, to fearing that once again she was about to loose someone that meant so much to her without getting to say goodbye, without really having the chance to experience everything life had to offer with that person. They had only just begun to think about a future together.

So she'd taken her place in the passenger seat, because she knew she didn't stand a chance to stop him from driving, sending her best glare in his direction, which she wasn't sure he cared about.   
At least Jay really tried his best to not take off like a maniac and navigated them to the precinct at a relatively moderate pace through a still thick layer of snow. Not wanting to get into a fight again while driving she kept her mouth shut. Jay was in his own world and didn't say anything at all. But when he pulled to a stop in front of the 21st and wanted to jump straight out of the car, Rianne held him back, grabbing his arm.

"At least let me take that out first! You don't need to catch some kind of infection!" She looked at his hand that still had the IV needle, secured by a medical strip, poking out of it.

Jay slightly cringed at the prospect but let her get the first aid kit. Carefully she extracted the needle and pressed a band aid to the puncture wound, while Jay intentionally kept looking the other way. If there hadn't been this tension in the air, maybe she would have joked about his irrational fear of needles. It really struck her as odd, seeing as he otherwise handled every other injury so cooly. He'd take a punch or a bullet over a needle every time she mused.  
Was it even worse then that he seemed to repeatedly have gotten "hit" with a needle last night? She couldn't imagine how he must feel and she was at a loss at how to help and get through to him. Rianne feared anything she would say would make him pitch a fit right now. There was still this wild stare in his eyes whenever she caught his gaze.  
Maybe she applied more pressure to the wound than was needed, maybe she held his hand in hers longer than necessary, but she knew the minute she let go and they left the car, Jay would go full detective mode on her and disappear from their world. Their own bubble had long burst anyway, it already felt like he was a million miles away in his head.

Jay reluctantly took her up to the bullpen with him. She'd be damned if she just went home at this point.  
The team, minus Ruzek and Atwater, was surprised at Jay walking in and at the same time it was clear that his unit hadn't expected anything less.  
Even Voight was a little nonchalant about seeing his detective back at work. Rianne thought she had to be stupid for feeling bad that she hadn't been able to keep Jay in check longer and apologizing to his boss when Voight dismissed her:

"It's okay. You actually made him stay longer than anyone would have bet on." Not exactly her doing, but Rianne let it go as it was a redundant discussion.

Witnessing sympathetic nods and pats for Jay all around, Rianne caught Hailey looking at him apprehensively, then watch her out of the corner of her eyes. Like she wanted to say: 'Told you from the start you couldn't take care of him!'  
Maybe she read more into it and this were her own thoughts and her feeling responsible about being the reason Jay'd was in this situation in the first place.

Rianne didn't like that he kept his distance ever since they had entered the precinct. She wasn't sure how to handle him in this situation and wanted to be there, but at the same time she got the feeling that Jay couldn't and didn't want to deal with her right now. He didn't even look at her.  
The tense atmosphere between them surely didn't go unnoticed. Seeing as they were surrounded by people who read body-language for a living.  
Feeling a little lost, Rianne was glad for Kim's friendly face. She was surprised to see her here, but guessed that she was obviously still allowed to run technical support.

"Have you been getting any more messages from that unknown number?" Kim asked Rianne, she denied.

"No. Did you guys find out who that phone belongs to?"

"It's a burner phone number - of course it is. We haven't been able to get a ping on it apart from that the message last night was obviously sent straight out of the club."

* * *

"So, what do we have so far?" Jay cleared his throat loudly, making an effort to let his voice sound matter-of-factly.

He didn't want the awkward silence to continue that had settled in the room for a few seconds since he and Rianne had arrived. And he didn't want the personal inquiries about his well-being to start. He was here, so he was fine, ignoring everything that hurt inside and out.  
He was prepared to go on a mad man-hunt. His sole purpose was to find out who had done this to him, find out who was responsible and how that person had been able to trick him. Jay was curious to see what his colleagues had been able to find out. If they had a suspect, someone in for questioning.  
He was also a little embarrassed. What would they think of him? They had had to come in to work on a Saturday because of his stupidity.  
The worst thing was not really knowing how this could have happened. When had he let his guard down, what had happened to his instincts? Maybe this was some kind of reckoning for falling in love, for loosing focus, for daring to have a private life?

"I'm afraid there is no evidence whatsoever yet to be able to link anyone to this. We have the video footage from the club, inside and outside. But there is a time lapse between you leaving Will and the others and you stumbling out of the club for over two hours. We're still running facial rec and checking databases on the blonde woman who was with you at the bar, and then later in front of the restrooms. There was a second person there. But that face is obscured all of the time. And we have no cameras in the room they took you to. Adam and Kevin are over there right now checking for prints and taking statements from the staff," Hailey reported.

He was glad that he didn't hear any judgement in her voice and that she kept the pity out of her eyes. She still talked to him like the capable detective he was, not the victim of a drugging. The victim of some woman having her hands and mouth all over his body and taking pictures of it. He felt sick and like he needed to take a shower.

"Can I see it?" Jay wanted to take a look for himself.

He needed to get a feeling for what was just in his head, what had been real and what was just a hazy dream. Right now the feeling of his co-workers maybe knowing more about his night than he could remember was unbearable.

"Can I watch too? Maybe **I** recognize someone!" Rianne offered.

Jay didn't know how he felt about that. Ever since they had arrived at the station he had the urge to lock Rianne into the car and not let her come out until all of this was over. Until he was back to normal, until he had calmed down and sorted himself out. Until he felt like himself again.  
It was a mixture of keeping her out of harm's way, not confronting her any more than was necessary with the graveness of what had happened, and some kind of self-preservation. While he'd been stronger with her in the hospital, he felt more vulnerable with her being here right now. She was the reminder of the soft and tender part of him that was confused and hurt and full of feelings that kept him from doing what he was supposed to do: Get justice and solve this crime! A crime done to him! So he needed that link to go away.

On a more reasonable level it made sense: She could supposedly help, if this was indeed connected to Nate. So he nodded at Kim who was waiting for his "Go" and Burgess played the video on her computer.

Standing behind his co-worker Jay felt everyone else's eyes on him as Rojas, Upton and Voight had probably seen this at least one time before, probably more.  
The camera angles were not ideal, but there were clear images of Will, him and the other men at the club the night before. Sometimes in a crowd of people, sometimes on the dance floor and at the bar. Kim fast forwarded to the part where the girls had joined them and Jay stiffened at the sight of the young blonde. Her face had actually been imprinted on his mind. That pretend innocent flirt who had turned out to be his Achilles heel. It was the same woman that had stopped and distracted him in front of the restrooms, the same woman as in that nauseatingly badly staged shot he'd seen on Rianne's phone.  
That restroom-scene was also on tape, along with someone sneaking up behind Jay and injecting him with something. But Hailey was right, his or her face was obscured. Like they had known exactly where the cameras would be and where they'd be hidden from view. Kim switched to a recording from an outside security camera, time stamp was approximately two hours later.  
Jay clenched his fists at his sides; seeing himself stumble out of the club, shirt undone, disoriented, lost, tumbling down the street not knowing where he was going. He felt his knees almost buckling again now and clutched Kim's chair in a desperate attempt to not let anybody see how this was affecting him. What the hell had happened in those two hours?

The feeling of powerlessness and lack of control returned, making him feel slightly queasy and light-headed. He felt Rianne's hand on his arm and flinched away from the contact, blinking himself back into the present.  
It pained him to build his walls up, he knew she only wanted to comfort him, but he had to kick into action-mode to keep going. So, when Rojas announced that she finally got an ID on the blonde woman, he almost sighed with relief at having a direction to go in.

"So I guess we should cross-reference that girl with anyone in my recent cases, arrests, court statements and of course Nate Ruzek," Jay fired up his computer and sat down at his desk, leaving Rianne standing next to Kim.

He felt her bewildered stare on him but kept looking intently at his screen.

"Also Kim, can you forward that footage to me? There must be someone else in that club she had contact with. That guy or whoever was with her when they took me out can't just have surfaced out of the blue," he requested from across the room, not caring that Burgess and his girlfriend were exchanging meaningful looks.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" It didn't take long for Rianne to plant herself in front of him, her voice already strained like it had been before in the hospital parking lot.

Jay felt the inevitable fight coming long before he saw it rear its ugly face. Old patterns of his arose. Ambivalent patterns that made him not want to be alone, but didn't allow anyone to come close. Patterns where only the part of him that was a professional could exist in order for the other parts to survive.  
Like a wounded animal he would bite at everyone that dared to stand in his way in these situations and Rianne was as always much too close for her own good. So he had to save her from herself by getting as much distance as he could between her and him right now. There was no time and tolerance for another discussion about him not being ready to be here.

"So maybe it's best if you go home!" Jay started once he had closed the door of the break-room behind them.

"Maybe it's best if **I** go home? What about you? I thought you only wanted an update. You got that update now, so we can go home. Together! See what they come up with in the morning." Exactly like he had expected her to react.

"No! I wanna be part of that investigation. Full duty! I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of having things done to me and not being able to stop it! And I'm sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do! This is my body, my life, I am the one deciding!" He knew he was yelling and regretting it at the same time, but he was just so frustrated.

Directing all the anger that was meant for someone else at her.

"Jay your freaking heart stopped just a few hours ago!" Rianne tried to close the distance between them, her voice pleading with him, but he couldn't give in to that now.

Giving in was dangerous.

"Yeah, and now it's beating again!" He backed away from her, the instant hurt in her eyes almost suffocating him.

But there was no other way. He knew his body, it would recover, he would push through this.

"I still want you to come home!" It was her last attempt, he knew she knew she couldn't win this, but she still put her foot down.

"And I wanna stay and do my job, clean up this mess that probably your lunatic ex-wannabe-boyfriend caused!"

"You're blaming me now?"

"I'm not blaming you!"

"Feels like there is something you want to get off your chest though!"

"With the picture, with the caption attached to it? What else could it have been than an attempt to break us up? Who'd have a vast interest in doing that? So maybe if you'd drawn a line earlier on he wouldn't feel like he had a right to pursue you like that... " The minute he'd said those words he already regretted them.

He didn't even really mean them. But there was no going back now. And he needed her to be mad at him, only then she'd leave.

"Okay, wow! Nice Jay. Real nice!" There was this hurt and aghast laughter spluttering out of her, while her voice dropped a few decibels.

She turned away from him, her hand already reaching for the door.

"Rianne..." he began, but if he was being honest he didn't really know what to say to make this right.

He couldn't be Jay, Detective Halstead and all the things he was when he was with her at the same time right now.

"You're right - I should go home! Yell at someone else!" And with one last disappointed look she smashed the door in his face and strode away.

Jay saw that Adam, just coming up the stairs, tried to hold her back and talk to her, but she brushed him off too and hurried down. Hailey stuck her head in when Jay was just walking off his anger, being mad at himself for doing this.

"Are you alright?" She had that look in her eyes that had made him talk to her many times before although he didn't want to.

But now he just shook his head, begging her too to back off:

"Hailey,... I just wanna work!"

Glad that she let it pass with a shrug of her shoulders, he gathered the pitiful rest of his inner strength and resolve and got back to his desk, taking in the news Adam and Kevin brought in with them.

* * *

"That man is a freaking roller-coaster ride! I wanna strangle him, I wanna never let him go and hug him until all that uncertainty and hurt is gone, I wanna yell at him to take better care of himself and I wanna ... I don't know... can I come in?"

Stella was used to unannounced visitors, even if this wasn't really her home. So her surprise when she found Rianne at Severide's door at 19:45 pm was limited.

"Right, so judging from your intro I figure Jay's been released from the hospital and already back on duty?"

"Yep!" Still in her CFD loan sweats from last night, Rianne slumped down on the couch the minute Stella had let her in and hugged her.

"I'm sorry to barge in on you like that, but the thought of going back to Jay's apartment reminded me that I don't really have a place of my own at the moment. Technically speaking I am just a guest at his place. So it feels kind of like a trap when in a fight with him, like he could kick me out anytime he got sick of me."

"So you guys had a fight about it?" Stella was still trying to play catch-up to what had happened exactly after leaving the two of them in the hospital last night.

"Yeah, damn right we had, so I needed somewhere to escape to! And probably someone to tell me to just not freak out. One minute he's as good as dead and the next he's just up and going on a man-hunt, needle still sticking inside of him and accusing me of being to blame for Nate coming after him!"

"He said that?"

"Not in those exact words, but he seems to think that I should've seen it coming and drawn a line earlier on."

Stella didn't comment on that. She knew Rianne's relationship with Nate and their shared past was complicated. It certainly had turned into something that maybe wasn't common, maybe wasn't so healthy and maybe some lines had been blurred instead of clearly defined. Anyone could have an opinion on that and say Rianne was at fault for not reading the signs sooner, but what good would that do? Stella knew in her heart that her friend sometimes was a little too trusting for her own good. Always focussing on the good in people and not their hidden agendas and evil streaks. And of course she had never seen herself as someone many men could fall in love with.

"You can admit that you agree with him if you do, you know!" Rianne mistook Stella's silence for criticism, looking weary of her reaction.

"I don't, at least not that way. I told you months ago you were drifting into some relationshippy thing with Nate, but I never would have thought he'd go off like that. D'you know for sure that he's behind it by now?"

"As far as I know they still have no clue. So Jay is adamant to get one! I hope that Voight is managing to keep him at his desk at least. Judging by how that message last night was supposed to make me think Jay was cheating on me I guess Jay's right to think that something like this would only play into Nate's cards."

Stella didn't know what to say to make her friend feel better. This was certainly a tough situation. And she knew how Kelly could get when a case got personal or at least felt that way. A feral animal was nothing in comparison.

"Where're the boys?" Rianne took off her shoes and put her feet up on the couch. Stella didn't mind, actually she liked people who made themselves at home.

"Working an extra shift, so that they have enough overtime to take next weekend off for Will's wedding."

"Yeah, right. It feels ridiculous to be thinking about attending a wedding next weekend though under these circumstances. Jay was so distant... maybe I'll be going solo by then!" Rianne laughed unhappily.

"Nonsense! He'll come around, you just have to give him time. You knew he could get like this..."

Stella got them some glasses of wine and placed them on the coffee table, pouring them her favorite red out of Casey's collection. Rianne gratefully took a sip and sighed deeply:

"Sometimes my heart bleeds so much for him and his demons, it's not funny." She stared into space for a minute before some kind of realization seemed to hit her that brought tears to her eyes:

"I can't believe he almost died on me again!"

* * *

After some venting over more wine the exhaustion of a night without sleep and endless worrying took over.   
Rianne's eyes had fallen shut at some point and there was drained deep breathing to be heard. Stella pulled a blanket over her friend. She saw the screen of Rianne's phone that she had put on the table, light up with Jay's caller ID. Knowing that he'd be surely worried if she didn't pick up, Stella answered:

"JAY!? Hi, it's Stella!" she whispered to not wake Rianne up, that girl looked completely spent.

She went into Kelly's bedroom.

"Oh, hi! Where's Rianne?" Jay's voice sounded beat, a little timid, certainly not knowing how Stella got a hold of Rianne's phone and what her level of information was.

"She dosed off on our couch, in case you were looking for her at home."

"Right, thanks for letting me know. I'm actually still at the district."

Stella didn't want to get involved and judge if this was healthy or not. It seemed somehow it was Jay's coping mechanism. She just felt conflicted that what he needed right now was hurting her friend.

"...Thanks for saving my life I guess." Jay continued after a little pause.

"Of course, I'm just glad we found you when we did. So, what's the latest?"

"Still no real lead. We've put a tail on Nate and there is an active warrant out for the woman that was involved in the club, but she seems to be in the wind. Couldn't make a real connection to him up until now."

"So, what are you still doing at work?" Stella was curious on how he'd react to her question and was surprised when he scoffed and blankly admitted:

"I don't know... avoiding the silence I guess?"

"There wouldn't have to be silence you know? There's someone who would give everything to get you through this!"

"I know. How is she?"

"Tired, worried about you. Afraid you're **really** blaming her for all of this..."

"No, I'm not! I... I know it's not fair to her, but I ... I feel I can't leave here until we at least got something..."

There was much more he seemed to be conflicted about, but didn't wanna say obviously. So Stella let it slide:

"Maybe you should look into Nate's ex-girlfriend. You know Ayla? Don't know her last name, but Adam does. They were meeting the day we took Rianne's stuff out of the loft, so maybe there is some kind of conspiracy going on? Or Ayla did this on her own, trying to impress Nate, win him back somehow by doing something stupid like this?"

* * *

Jay thanked Stella for the input and hung up on her. He was glad Rianne seemed to be safe with her friend, but the remorse about how he had treated her ate away at him.  
Adam had pointed out earlier that he shouldn't take for granted that Rianne had trusted him like that. What woman would assume that something was wrong with her guy when she received a picture of that dude making out with another woman? Who would trust her gut feeling like and go find him?  
It had just sunken in then that he really owed her, Kelly and Stella his life. Them and his watch maybe. Maybe he even owed that sick picture his life, or else no one would have known about him being shot full of drugs and then abandoned to his fate.

He slightly jumped when he heard someone come up the stairs after crashing the metal gate on the half landing. Jay had thought he was completely alone at this hour, but then he saw Hailey's blonde head appear.  
His partner didn't say anything at first, went straight for the break room and came out a little later with two cups brimming of the black liquid that was his life saver every time they pulled an all-nighter. Sitting down opposite him at her desk her face was calm, her voice void of any judgement or reproof when she asked:

"So, still in no mood to go home?"

"I'm afraid that I'll do more damage than good if I go back there!" He admitted straightforward.

Another thing was that he was afraid of going to sleep. Somehow it felt like he had slept for more than enough in those hours that were lost on him. Hours of his life that had been stolen by people he didn't know, who had hurt him to hurt someone else in the process. Who had taken into account that he would die just for that sole purpose.  
And he couldn't go to sleep because he feared the images that would possibly pop up. Maybe there had been something going on he didn't want to remember. He still felt sick thinking about that someone had touched and kissed him without his permission, without him consenting and being involved. Jay was also plagued by the fear, be it irrational or not, that it was possible he would never wake up again if he went back to sleep like last night. So he would refuse to go near a bed or some other kind of resting place if he could avoid it.

"So what do you wanna do?" Hailey asked, sipping her coffee and ignoring the dark clouds evident on his features for the time being.

"I got a new lead I wanna look into."

"Okay, so fill me in. I wanna help!"

Glad for someone who would just let him be and keep him company Jay told Hailey what Stella had just said to him and they immediately went checking databases and social media. Hailey knew Ayla too. Right in the middle of their tasks she softly said his name:

"Jay?"

"Yeah?" He looked up from his screen momentarily to find himself wrapped in a warm look out of Hailey's deep blue eyes:

"I'm really glad she found you in time!"

* * *

Rianne jolted awake from a not so pleasant dream. Somehow she had dreamed of a version where they hadn't been able to restart Jay's heart in the ambulance and lived through everything that followed after that in her dream. It felt painfully real. Thank God she found that she'd only fallen asleep on the couch at Severide's and it wasn't her new reality.  
Checking her phone to see if Jay'd called or texted she was absurdly disheartened, when she found no new messages.  
She'd guessed that Jay would possibly react badly to the situation, but she hadn't anticipated he would shut her out like that and go on a mad streak.  
Finding her friend's loft still quiet and asleep, Rianne decided to head home, see if Jay had come to his senses. Maybe in the light of a new morning, early as it may be, things could look a little different than after yesterday's shocking revelations.

Having vented to Stella about the stubbornness of her man and feeling a little calmer and ready to forgive him for anything he might have said in the heat of the moment, she felt heartbroken when she found the apartment empty.  
The bed wasn't slept in and there still was the bag of clothes from the dry-cleaner she hadn't found the time to fold away yesterday, before she'd brought Jay's clothes to the station. How different life had been then. They'd been fooling around, carefree, looking forward to a weekend of maybe just staying in bed.

Right now she only wanted to pull the covers over her head and wait for everything to blow over. Thinking about what had happened, what could have happened and what was maybe about to happen in the future was making her head and heart hurt like hell.  
Going through her mail that she had forwarded to Jay's address for the time being, she saw that their plane tickets for Buenos Aires had arrived. A bitter laugh rose up in her chest. Right now this seemed like a plan from another universe.

* * *

_"Are you ever coming home?"_

The simple text from Rianne at five in the morning sat in his inbox like an impersonated question mark. The one part of him wanted to drop everything at this point and run right back to her, let himself fall into her arms and hold tight. But the other part just couldn't. Not as long as he was feeling so raw. So open and so used.  
But he had to head home to get a change of clothes and take a shower finally. Jay thought he still smelled like hospital stench.

Back in Wicker Park he found Rianne fast asleep in their bed. To him it was theirs ever since she had moved her stuff into his apartment. Jay didn't have a problem to share everything he owned with her as if they had purchased it together. And it comforted him that she had found her way back here after all. She must have left her friend's house somewhere during the night to crash here, probably waiting for him to come back, even though he'd not been very nice to her earlier. He wanted to touch her, lie down next to her, but he couldn't. It was like he was standing in front of a glass wall, not able to push through, just watching that part of his life he felt he wasn't allowed to have.

Jay was thankful for her deep slumber, it prevented them from having another discussion. Although seeing her so peacefully lying on his side of the bed, as always looking like his personal saving angel, tore at his heartstrings. But he wasn't ready to talk. He didn't know what to say, how to bear the proximity of someone who knew him so well, so intimately. He didn't wanna break.  
The whole incident just proved one thing: He wasn't allowed to feel happy, whole, loved. There was always something muddying the waters somehow. The Halstead's didn't have luck on their side.

* * *

"Hi Trudy!"

Platt looked up from where she had been trying to solve today's crossword, a little irritated that someone had the audacity to disturb her. Trudy liked her Sunday's nice and slow.

"He's not here…" she grumbled at the woman before her looking down to her newspaper again.

When she felt the figure lingering and not leaving instantly she groaned inwardly. Would she be forced to be of more help today?

"Oh… okay… d'you know when he'll be back?"

"Can't say…" As if she was keeping track of everyone in here all the time. Geez!

"Right, could you ask him to call me? Or at least text me back?"

"Are you going to cry all over my desk now?" It normally didn't happen that Mrs. Torres Delgado sounded like a whiney little girl who had lost her parents.

So Trudy was a little taken aback, which of course she couldn't show.

"No, of course I'm not. But thanks for your concern!" With an angry snort Rianne turned around on her heel, heading for the exit.

Trudy rolled her eyes to the ceiling and shook her head at herself. She really was going softer the older she got, not being able to keep her advise to herself and out of people's businesses.

"Hey Torres?" Trudy called after her.

"Yeah?" Rianne turned around, but only half-way, still trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Don't let him push you away!"

The younger woman looked at her in bewilderment as to how Trudy possibly could have known what was going on, but it was written across that lady's face in exclamation marks. Platt had seen that sad look on many faces of partners of policemen and women. And she guessed that Halstead, although being a good man in general and secretly one of her favorites, wasn't the easiest partner to have a relationship with. She didn't care for any of those bimbos that only lasted days, weeks or a month tops. But Trudy found herself caring for tough women ready to take on a challenge of keeping her boys on the straight and narrow. Sometimes they just needed a little pep talk to keep going!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions on how this could turn out feel free to drop me a line, a PM, a whatever. I've got some ideas myself of course but am curious to what you would like to see / read. I feel like writing innovative crime isn't my strongest suit.


	43. Heartbeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you had a nice and merry Christmas everyone, in spite of everything this year. A BIG THANK YOU to everyone who followed, favorited and took the time to write a review, comment or even a personal message. Special thanks for much appreciated inspiration goes to katt_savage and floopdeedoopdee on FFN: It's an honor to receive your input guys and I hope I didn't disappoint you. I am certainly not finished yet. Enjoy the rest of the year as best as you can, maybe I'll be back with another chapter before it's over.
> 
> Chapter Title "Heartbeat" by Nneka, Chase and Status

"Rianne? Hey, wait up!"

She'd almost been back at her truck, when a female voice called out after her. It was Kim's.  
Turning around to face her, Rianne tried her best to muster at least a half-smile in greeting the fellow female, who was crossing the street to catch up to her, clad in thick snow boots and sporting a cute beanie to shield her against the November cold.

"How're you holding up? You happen to be in the mood to go for coffee?" Kim asked.

Honestly Rianne wasn't really in the mood for anything or any kind of conversation, trying to stem the wave of tears that had hit her after what Trudy just told her. Although maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to not be alone right now to keep her head from spinning out.

"If you make mine an Irish you got yourself a deal!"

"That's fine, I even know a place just around the corner!"

Happy for Kim's non-judgement on the drinking part only a little after noon on a Sunday, she followed her. To talk things over with someone who at least had already experienced how it was like to date an Intelligence member was lightening Rianne's mood a little. That and the strong shot of whiskey in her coffee that was placed before her at the little café Kim had walked her to:

"So I figure Jay's been at the district all night and keeping his feelings all bottled up?"

Nodding in answer to Burgess' question, Rianne sighed:

"I know this is how he is wired and I really tried my best after Jay got shot and he went back on duty, but seeing how close to loosing him I am everyday has me really freaked out again and now he isn't even talking to me..." She shook her head, then looked at Kim in disbelieve:

"I don't know how you do it! Watching Adam put himself in danger every day. Putting yourself in danger everyday..."

"That's going to stop as of Monday I'm afraid. I was actually coming in to clear out my desk. I'll be working dispatch from now on. So I guess when I saw you I took the chance to avoid going in there to end my career in Intelligence for the time being..."

"I'm sure that sucks. Though I guess it's better for a pregnant cop to not be chasing criminals everyday..."

"Yeah... it sure is... Still: It sucks! A lot! Adam gets to keep doing what he's doing. How's it that we women always draw the short straw?"

"Hm..." Rianne was reminded how it had not been easy for her to cut back on her work load and to not be able to do everything she loved when she'd been pregnant with Andrea's baby.

"But, back to your question: I don't know how I do it. I certainly don't know how I'll be doing it. I guess that's for us to figure out every day at a time, and every day anew…"

Rianne thought about Kim's words for a moment. This morning she had been contemplating to be stubborn too and just wait until Jay came around, back home to her. But then she had decided against it. Knowing Jay he'd act just like all those lost kids she knew: Pushing away the ones closest to him, needing to hold on to the last bit of control over the situation, focusing on the parts he knew by heart: How to be a police-officer, chasing after criminals, even if the crime had been done to him as a private person. Rianne had the suspicion that it was the part that someone had deliberately violated a boundary that separated his private life from his life on the job. The drugging, the trying to destroy his relationship, it hadn't been done to him as part of his job, like so many things before had happened to him because of what he'd chosen to become. This time he'd been attacked as Jay, not Detective Halstead. And the only way he knew how to push through this was to put on his hard-ass detective armor.  
It wasn't healthy, but it was apparently the only way he knew how to go on without breaking. So theoretically Rianne knew it wasn't surprising that he would push her away.  
All the more she needed to show him that she'd stay. No matter how hard he pushed, he didn't have to do this alone.  
Nevertheless it was proving hard and painful to wait it out. Especially when Jay kept constantly being in another place than her and not answering his phone. When she'd woken up around noon she'd known that he'd been back at some time during the early morning, leaving traces of a quick shower and some changing of clothes in his wake.  
The fact that he hadn't woken her up to talk to her, to let her know that he was okay, that **they** were okay, had momentarily prevented her from breathing properly for a few minutes.  
After Stella'd let her know that he however had called her phone last night and talked to her instead, Rianne was a little reconciled with the reproach he'd thrown into her face yesterday. Maybe there was a way out of this.

"Adam asked me to marry him," Kim blurted out suddenly, making Rianne's head jolt up from where she'd been stirring the cream on her beverage.

Blue eyes looking at two equally wide open dark brown ones, she blurted:

"What?" Realizing that it had come out several decibels too loud, when the patrons at the bar kept looking over at them.

"Yeah, said he wants to do right by me and the baby..." Kim seemed unsure of what she was supposed to be thinking about this.

"What did you say?" Rianne inquired, absolutely thrilled by the news, because it was something to distract her from her own drama.

"I said it's a bad idea. That we're not in the same place… He's going to move in with me though before the baby is coming. So it's going to be like a modern co-parenting thing…."

Kim sipped a tiny bit from her juice, then put it down again, as if she was disgusted by the taste. At now a little over ten weeks pregnant she probably still was battling morning sickness or sickness all around.

"That's just stupid!" The words were out before Rianne could stop them, only managing to put her hand over her mouth two seconds too late and already seeing Kim's shocked expression:

"Excuse me?"

"Kim, I know I was in denial for my feelings for Jay too for a while, but you and Adam not being together? It doesn't make any sense. I'm not talking about getting married - because that's obviously Adam's solution to any crisis, but you should really figure out your status. It's slowly killing him, he just loves you so much!"

The loud chiming of Rianne's phone prevented them from diving deeper into the topic. Kim's eyes were palpably fixated on her face while she opened the new messages, already with shaking hands and a heavy beating heart:

"Kim - it's that blocked number again!"

"What does it say?"

"It's... pictures...," Rianne stammered, feeling the color previously put there by the alcohol in her coffee, drain from her cheeks and her stomach lurch, just by looking at those new snapshots.

Seriously?

"Rianne! Rianne, you need to show me!"

* * *

Meanwhile also on a much needed coffee-run for something to keep them awake and focused as long as possibly imaginable, Jay and Hailey were leaving their favorite joint, brimming cups of triple espressos in hand.  
Jay was checking his phone, receiving a text from Platt of all people to stop being a pain in the ass to his girlfriend and contact her "for God's sake".  
Hanging his head he pocketed it again and opened the door to the truck, when he heard Hailey yell behind him:

"Hey, watch where you're going dude!"

Then someone answer: "So sorry, excuse me ma'am!"

**"Just get on with it! We didn't come here so you could drool all over him..."  
"… he might still be trippin' when he wakes up…"**

An icy shiver ran down his spine at the sound of that voice.  
Jay froze for a second, spellbound, a flash of images before his inner eye. They were fading too fast to grasp, but making him absolutely sure: He knew that voice!  
He jerked his head around, almost giving himself whiplash, wide-eyed, catching the glimpse of a hooded figure hurrying away northbound. Jay met Hailey's exasperated stare:

"Dude bumped into me and almost spilled all my coffee!" she explained, then looked a little confused when Jay dumped his cup on the roof of the truck and grabbed her arm, making her loose the rest of her coffee altogether by dragging her behind him along the street.

"What's happening Jay?"

Not bothering to answer, Jay's sole purpose was to not loose sight of the man that he'd spotted, that had run into his partner. He needed to follow him, he needed to pursue the only link he had to what happened to him yesterday night. Where would he go? What was he up to?

"Jay you need to talk to me! What are we doing?" Hailey, used to reacting, following and covering him even if she didn't understand what was happening, was getting a little nervous after having walked several blocks close behind him without getting filled in on what or whom they were chasing exactly.

Jay's eyes and his every nerve were fixated on the man whose voice had given him the chills. Average height, average weight, hair covered by a dark grey hoodie under a thickly lined winter-jacket, black sneakers, red backpack.  
Sometimes he would take a look around as if to make sure he wasn't being followed, but up until now Jay'd been able to keep a non-suspicious distance and anticipated the man's movements so well that he knew exactly when it was time to hide behind a corner, a car or people passing them. Right now he'd stopped moving, fumbling around with his phone in front of a house-entrance, obviously waiting to be let in.

"Hailey, I'm 100% sure that guy over there is one of the people that took me."

"Did you recognize his face?"

"No, but his voice, when he apologized to you. So I'm going in!" Jay was already moving to cross the street, hand reaching for his gun, witnessing the man being let into the house, door closing behind him again fast.

But Hailey held him back, grabbing his hand:

"Jay, WAIT! If this is really the man you think he is we should wait here, keep an eye on him and call for backup. You don't know who he's meeting!"

"If we wait for backup we could very well be too late! He might be slipping out through the back. Maybe he made us! I'm going in now!" Jay knew he would never forgive himself if he forfeit the only chance he got to figure this out.

* * *

Kim had towed her back to the station immediately, finding Adam, Kev and Voight downstairs in the tech room. Before the girls could fill them in on what new "evidence" Rianne had received just a few minutes before, they were alarmed by screeching tires and doors of a heavy vehicle being pulled open and thrown shut, along with Jay's commanding voice:

"Come on now, move it!"

Before everyone was even out front, the door of the garage opened and Jay and Hailey were entering the downstairs floor, two handcuffed people in tow. A pretty scared looking man and an arrogantly smirking blonde woman, Rianne could only catch a glimpse of, because Adam had pulled her behind him as soon as the doors had opened. She guessed it was just in their blood to try and protect civilians all of the time. The glimpse was however enough for Rianne to identify her as the conniving bitch that had been all over Jay in the video and on the pictures she received. Momentarily she caught herself clenching her fists and biting down hard on her molars to prevent lunching for that woman on the spot. Adam's arm shot out before her and he straightened himself up to his full height, like he'd felt her tension in his back, keeping her from view even more.

Shortly announcing that they had possibly caught two suspects in their recent investigation, Jay continued to drag his perp further into the stairwell. He didn't even look her way Rianne noticed with a sharp pang. Had he even seen her? Jay was looking like a ghost of himself. God knows for how long he'd been awake now.

"Sarge, there is something you should see first, actually it's why we came here!" Kim held Voight back before he could follow Jay and Hailey.

He turned to her and Rianne a little impatient. But when Kim showed him the new pictures on Rianne's phone his eyebrows shot up and he grumbled something inarticulate before nodding at Burgess:

"Send me those! Get a location from where they were sent this time! **You** stay close to Kim!" he pointed at Rianne, his tone leaving no doubt that this was an order.

To be able to interview both suspects separately, Intelligence had teamed up. Adam and Kevin had the man in one room and as it was impossible to keep Jay from the interrogation Voight personally had joined him in the other one, ready to jump in and ban his detective from it if needed. Rianne thought this was a stupid idea, but didn't get a say of course.  
As there was only one room with a two-way mirror, Rianne just could observe one part of and not the one she would have been more interested in. She was glad that Kim had stayed with her and not Hailey, who was trying to get some more information on the caught male suspect or a possible criminal record. Rianne knew she couldn't face the judging glances of Jay's partner right now.

It seemed somehow the male part of the criminal team was the weak link and didn't even deny the deed when faced with a few threats. Adam and Kevin didn't have to go through all the "I wasn't there", "It couldn't have been me" crap and jumped straight to the point:

"You know you're going down for the attempted murder of a Chicago Police Officer!"

"We didn't know he was a cop. We were just supposed to mess him up a bit."

"So, you thought you'd drug up a man you don't know anything about, just for the money? Who paid you to do it?"

" **She** set everything up!" The man cried out the name of the blonde being held in the interrogation room next to him.

"Tell us who set you up to this! How'd you know when and where to get to Halstead?" Adam spat out, scarily close to the man's face and when he didn't answer right away, Kevin chimed in:

"Man I gotta tell you, you better think fast or else we're adding an obstruction charge to the list!"

There were several more pleas how he had only been the one taking pictures and nothing more, of course that didn't get him in the good books of the two Intelligence members. Rianne was fretting how things went in the other room, only able to hear a lot of male yelling and female laughter.

* * *

Jay's patience was wearing paper thin. For several minutes him and Voight had listened to crappy and bitchy answers to their questions from that girl, who's name indeed turned out to be Marina Hall, the woman they had already identified yesterday, but hadn't been able to get a hold of.  
Jay and Hailey had been luckier than they could believe when they entered the house earlier against Hailey's demand to wait for backup. Not only had the man called Rhys Allen been pretty unsuspecting and unarmed, but had sort of served that Marina girl up on a gold platter, hiding together with her in that abandoned house. Although pretending to be innocent and not knowing why they were taken by the police Jay was certain that Rhys would crack once he sat down in that bare interrogation room, faced with two angry cops. Marina was a different matter, especially since being faced with her proved to be more of a challenge to Jay than he would have imagined.

When Hailey and him had found her at the house he'd put all his efforts into not lunging himself at her first, screaming her down as to how she could have ever done such a terrible thing to him. Picking him out of the group Friday night, putting her hands and god knows what else on him, using him for some kind of sick revenge plan. Drugging him up to the point where he no longer knew his own name, where he was helpless, defenseless, unprotected, unable to do anything about it. He'd been grateful to Hailey for picking her up without him asking her to and keeping her away from him until they had reached the district. He didn't know what he would have done.

And now Marina wouldn't say who put them up to this and why they chose Jay to be the recipient of such a nasty set-up. How did they even know he would be at that club? Jay was a nervous wreck while she just kept smiling knowingly, obviously feeling superior. And in a way she was: superior. She knew exactly what had happened, Jay didn't. He could only guess, his imagination running wild, his sleep deprived eyes trying to stare her down, burning painfully.  
She was even claiming that he seemed to have enjoyed their time together, willingly taking more drugs with them. It was infuriating. He knew it couldn't be true, but there were a few things they just couldn't prove.

"Your girlfriend still talking to you? Jay?" That was just one of the counter-questions she'd been providing when faced with Voight's and his inquiries.

Marina neither was afraid of being yelled at or threats of her possible punishments that were thrown at her. Jay knew that getting the people who had done this was important, had been important to him ever since he got to know his fate, but more important was getting their employer. And the very specific why and why like this?

He was running out of ways to get something useful concerning these questions out of their current person of interest. Rather Jay felt it was taking all of his self-control to not let her get to him to the point where he just wanted to keep yelling how she could have done this to him and possibly push her against a wall. To even think that it would only take one little thing to make him fly off the handle and explode seriously scared him.

This woman had taken advantage of him! The moment he'd looked into her cold and dead eyes, heard her voice that was as familiar to him as the one of that Rhys character, that one feeling had been back full force:  
That numb feeling, that trapped in his own body hell-hole of a thing that was threatening to swallow him up.

"She should consider herself a lucky girl to get to touch every glorious inch of you..." Marina's gaze ran over his body, not for the first time, and lingered on his crotch, not very subtly.

Jay felt the muscles in his stomach clench in revulsion and gave his all to not take her bait and engage into this kind of challenge. How dare she bring Rianne into this? How dare she allude to the parts of his body that he hadn't allowed her to see or touch?  
Normally being the one with a smug and slightly arrogant attitude in these interrogations, smart and quick witted, he found himself at a loss on how to deal with that woman.

"Have you seen the newest pictures yet? Guess it seems like the two of us really got something going there, didn't it?" Marina licked her lips, grinning saucily at him.

Jay ran a hand through his hair and momentarily faced the wall to not have to look at her.

"We're not here to discuss that, we want to know who put you up to taking these pictures in the first place!" Voight intervened.

Confusion taking over, Jay still tried to keep his outer cool, but the minute he looked at Voight he knew that his boss had been hiding something from him. Gathering the last bit of self-restrained he managed to press out through clenched teeth:

"Can I have a word with you in the hallway Sarge?"

Voight complied, however reluctantly and left the room with him, Marina menacingly calling out after them:

"Oh, so you really haven't seen them yet... maybe she has already decided that you're not worth all this trouble after all!"

"What pictures is she talking about?" Jay demanded to know closing the door and Voight handed over his phone, not uttering a word.

**"Chicago Police Officer shoots up and joins sex party."**

There were several pictures attached to the caption. Scrolling through them Jay was beginning to shake more and more, first internally and then he noticed how his unsteady hand barely kept holding on to Voight's phone. And he wasn't able to stop it. Jay felt bile rise up in his throat. What was he looking at here?

**"Guess one can make anything look like it's real! You should consider your choices Rianne - or else someone's career might get flushed down the drain if this gets released to the public!"**

Another caption read. It was unmistakably him, naked, at least from the waist up, that blonde on his lap. In contrast to the snapshot before she was completely naked now, her nipple pushed against his mouth. His eyes were closed, but as she had a grip on his hair one couldn't tell if they were closed in pleasure or because he was out cold. Another few pics showed a second girl leaning over the two of them, making out alternately with him and then with that Marina character. Did they have sex next to and on him while he was riding out his drug infused high? In some shots syringes and pills were intentionally placed next to him on the couch. Jay knew it was all bullshit, it had to be, but he guessed it depended on what the eyes wanted to see. He felt dizzy with disgust.

"And you're just showing this to me now?" Jay spat out at Voight, furious and barely able to keep from frothing at the mouth.

He wanted to destroy things, actual things and then some. He heard that he was yelling at Voight at the top of his lungs, not even listening to what his boss was saying in answer to his question, beginning to walk up and down the hall like a trapped animal.  
All around he was looking at several pairs of eyes trained on him, decoyed by the commotion. Eyes of people he had worked with for a long time, who had seen things of and with him that had stayed between them, that had shaped them into the kind of community and tight knit group that they were but now he felt he couldn't stand their worried looks. Were those even worried looks or were these looks of pity? Of mockery? Wasn't it weak and ridiculous that this had happened to him? Had they seen those pictures? The trap he had walked right into?

"Jay?"

Her carribean-blue eyes gave him the last push over the edge, making everything inside of him boil over into a molten lump of burning hot anger and self-loathing. Next thing he knew he'd put his hand through the filing cabinet in the hallway and was tearing the bulletin boards off the walls.

* * *

The minute she'd heard that familiar raised voice nearer, Rianne had left her place and walked in on Voight and Jay in a shouting match. Or rather Jay was shouting, Voight trying to calm him down, but to no avail. Waving a phone around Rianne could only guess that Jay had seen what had been sent to her by now.

The fresh pain was etched into his features and it didn't take long for him to completely loose all kinds of self-control, especially when Voight explicitly told him that he wasn't allowed back in the room like that and that this was the reason why he hadn't shown the pictures to him in the first place. Whole body already tense like a coiled-spring Rianne saw Jay first maintaining a defiant position and then snap when she softly called out his name. For the ghost of a second his green orbs fell on her, a ton of emotions evident in them ranging from anger, to betrayal, hurt and something pleading. Was he asking her for help? But then it was gone and his eyes just went dark, before he punched some metal cabinets in the hallway, leaving dents in them and began tearing at the posters and pinboards on the walls, champing with rage.

Before he could do any more harm to himself or the interior Adam and Voight were on him. Having to use all their combined strength to keep Jay from freeing himself out of their grip on him.

"Come on man! It's alright, it's gonna be okay!" Adam tried to talk him down, but Jay would have none of it.

Roaring a loud "No!" he pushed against Adam with all his might, making his co-worker stumble backwards stupefied and release him, so that Voight on the other side of him was pushed back too.

"Nothing's alright!" Jay bellowed in the general direction of his team and Rianne, when she tried to reach out a calming hand to him.

The slight hitch in his voice, revealing that he indeed was close to cracking wide open made an empathic sob escape her throat. She was so worried about his deliberate self-harming ways of dealing with this. But also she couldn't think of a perfectly good way to do it.  
When Hailey placed herself in front of Jay, trying to talk him down, he pushed her out of the way too, striding into the general direction of the bullpen, every muscle in his body clenched.  
Rianne feared he'd just escape and leave to hide god knows where, but then he stopped in his tracks at the door of the break-room as if he wasn't sure where he had wanted to go. Next thing they saw he almost fell into the room, grabbing hold of the first chair he got his hands on, like his legs wouldn't carry him anymore.  
When Hailey went to rush after Jay, probably on impulse, because this is what they did for each other every day, Rianne held her back:

"I'll go! I think this is **my** job, remember?"

She prayed with all her might that she wouldn't find Jay on the floor, having either some kind of episode or a heart attack or something equally scary. Instead she found him heaving over the sink, water running, hands clutching the counter so hard that his knuckles were all white, his right one's already bruising from his earlier punches. An air of danger wafted through the room once Rianne had closed the door behind her. Jay didn't even look her way.

* * *

He'd thought he had to be sick, but all that came out of him when he'd reached the break-room sink as fast as he could with legs that felt like they were made out of elastic bands, was bitter bile. It was making him even more miserable than he already was. It was over, he was completely loosing it. Out there he had momentarily feared for himself and for everyone in his way and he wasn't done freaking out.

"Why can't you handle this like a man?" A voice kept asking in his head that resembled pretty much the voice of his late father.

How did **he** of all people manage to plant himself into his thoughts right now, adding to his current overall insecurity? Jay knew he felt things way too deeply sometimes. More than was good and healthy, especially in his line of job, but that was just the way he was. In a way he had made peace with it.  
Nevertheless it made him hate the little boy inside of him with all his heart sometimes. The little boy that always seemed to surface at the most inconvenient times, making him feel lost and like the ground was being pulled from under him.

Someone had slipped into the room with him. He didn't need to turn around and look to know it was her. Relentless, stubborn, beautiful even in a crisis her. Why hadn't she run for the hills? He didn't want her to see him like this. Not again!  
Jay tried to concentrate and control his breathing, stop the train of thoughts running circles in his head. Rianne stood really close now, next to him, looking at him, leaning against the counter. He still couldn't look at her.  
At first he felt only her hand next to his, radiating that familiar warmth, a promise of comfort he just didn't allow himself. Then slowly, tentatively there was first one fingertip on his, then another, until she'd pried his hand off the surface, putting it right under the cold running water. The sudden icy temperature on his skin made him jerk it back for a second, but Rianne kept holding on to it, eyes only fixated on the task. He kept watching her intertwine her fingers with his under the current of water, trying to knead away some of the tension. It made the lump in his throat become more and more impossible to ignore.

"You should leave!" he croaked.

Jay didn't even know if this was truly what he wanted. It seemed he was questioning everything at this point, but he was giving her an out. Seemingly Rianne saw right through him and didn't back down:

"No! I won't! You will not make me leave this time."

"You don't want to be here! You don't need to do this!" He withdrew his hand.

"Don't tell me what I want or don't want! You can kick and scream and insult me - I will not leave!" Rianne fumed and stepped even closer, almost flooring him with her presence and her delicious scent.

His heart beat out of his chest. She turned off the faucets and put her little strong hands on his upper arms, turning him into her direction.

"Please - don't touch me!" Jay tried to pull away from her, although not very convincingly: "You can't feel that way about me. I'm a freaking mess."

"I can, believe me. In fact I am utterly, despairingly, crazy stupid in love with you Jay. So I am going to stay, even if you don't want me to!"

He'd made the mistake of looking deep into Rianne's eyes when she spoke those crushing words. She wasn't kidding; hell she wasn't playing any games and her gaze didn't flicker. He swallowed audibly, feeling himself crumble under her stare. Running her hands up his arms she stopped at his cheeks, caressing his skin with her thumbs. Jay felt the last chip of the ice-block that had been sitting on his chest since yesterday melt away.

"Please Jay, let me back in babe!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose his agitated breathing was suddenly turning into sobs, getting heavier by the minute and when he finally let himself be held by her, gave in to her touch, there was no stopping his tears of rage and hate. His tears of exhaustion and overpowering.

He just wasn't used to not being alone in this all the time. That there was actually someone he could turn to no matter what, who was by his side, who wanted to be with him despite or even because of everything he stood for and brought along as part of the package. His whole mess. Him!  
Sometimes that scared him more than anything. Never would he have believed that there could be someone to have the strength for both him and herself. But when Rianne held him, pressed him tight against her chest and he allowed himself to let her, he knew she indeed had it.

* * *

She let him cry it all out, her own body exhaling in relief at feeling the tension seep out of him bit by bit, while he leaned against her. At one point Rianne turned them so that she was able to steady herself against the wall with his approx. 170 lbs getting heavy in her arms. Also she thought Jay'd may appreciate her shielding him from view with his colleagues still hanging around outside.

"I, I really didn't do anything. You have to…" he began stammering at one point.

"Jay! Jay, look at me! I believe you! I believe **in** you… and I believe in **us**! We will beat this fake nonsense. But I think we can only beat it together!" She kissed his forehead, not able to express the gratitude she was feeling that he let her.

"How did you know it's fake? How can you be so sure?"

"Jay they did a rape-kit on you at Med! So if there'd been some kind of sexual intercourse we would know. They couldn't find any traces of such a thing! Also I'm sure it wouldn't have been possible to get anything going with you in the kind of state you were in! We have proof on the amount of drugs that were in your system when your were brought into the hospital. It was a crazy cocktail that makes it even more of a miracle that you are still alive. And I know, your unit knows, Voight knows you would never willingly consume these kind of drugs. So yeah: I know it's all a great big nasty shit of nonsense!"

"I'm so tired of this…"

"I know. So, I'm not sure you'll like it, but I kind of have a suggestion…"

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *


	44. Small Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this first chapter of 2021 I wanna say thank you one more BIG TIME: Your feedback and interest in this story has made me fall back in love with writing, with fiction, with creating. Something I've been doing in my teenage years quite a lot, but had lost somehow through adult life. In this last special year it has been a great way to escape reality and let my imagination run wild. And it made me go on with this story for longer than I thought I would!  
> I wish you all the best and true happiness for this new year!
> 
> As for this chapter: I apologize for any mistakes concerning proper police-work I've made: I really have no idea how it works, so remember: this is just for the fun and the drama of it all, not to be completely realistic!
> 
> Chapter Title "Small Things" by Ben Howard

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"Thank you so much for agreeing to this! I believe I've made a terrible mistake Nate…"

"Why don't you come in?"

To say that Jay wouldn't like Rianne's plan was a big understatement.  
He had almost gone ballistics when she had told him she wanted to set up a meeting with Nate, pretend that she was beginning to doubt Jay and get a reaction out of him, see if he was offering up anything that would tell them if he was involved. Her argumentation that it was really just her that Nate wanted, so maybe they had to give him that to get answers, had finally earned approval from Voight and the rest of the unit.  
Jay'd wanted to keep it from happening under any circumstance while everyone else thought it was probably the best approach to get some movement into this. They'd found a nexus between Marina and Nate, or Marina and Ayla in the meantime. Social media had been kind of forthcoming in that department. Turned out Marina was a high-school-friend of Ayla's. So it was more and more likely that this was connected back to the "Nate and Rianne original falling-out".  
Up until now all the evidence was more than thin. Replying to the unknown number from Rianne's phone had been in vain, there never was an answer, even worse that number was no longer in service, a dead end. They needed someone to make a mistake. Jay found himself overruled.

Sitting under special supervision from his sergeant in Voight's car because he had been behaving like a petulant child ever since Rianne had sprung this on him, Jay's anxiousness was killing him.

In an attempt to raise as little suspicion as possible she had let Nate pick the place where they'd meet and he had chosen their former home, which Jay liked even less. How could they protect her if Nate chose to attack her or keep her there with him he had yelled at her again. Jay's imagination of all the worst case scenarios was running wild. Her promises to be extra careful and use the arranged safe word immediately whenever she felt unsafe, had done nothing to assure him. At least being back in the loft gave them the opportunity to plant a bug and a camera in there. **If** Rianne managed to do that without getting caught.

She'd been instructed to use the basic technical gear in a crash-course by Kevin, maintaining her cool through it all as if she did this every day. Jay'd been wondering why he was more freaked out by this than she obviously was.

On her arrival at past eight in the evening Nate seemed wary of her sudden change of mind. But Rianne pulled out all the stops and really went deep on all the emotions. She told Nate about Jay's possible adulatory and drug abuse, showing one of the pictures to him. Rianne brightly painted images on how Jay seemed constantly hiding something from her and that she suspected he wasn't at all what she had thought him to be, that she was afraid he would drag her down with him. That she wished she had listened to Nate in the first place. And just like that the other Ruzek found himself back in exactly the same role that had fitted him so well until late summer: The understanding comforter and best friend in a crisis.

Next thing they knew Nate was fixing him and Rianne a stiff drink and got his smokes so that they could share them. While he rummaged through the kitchen cabinets Rianne took the chance to plant the bug under the dining table and a tiny camera device in a picture frame by pretending to look at it nostalgically.

"She's good…" Voight hummed next to him with some kind of surprised half-smile on his face as soon as they got some visual off that camera.

Jay stiffened at the image of Rianne being hauled into Nate's arms after she'd burst into tears suddenly. It was sort of a miracle she could do that as if by command. Jay didn't know if he should be impressed or terrified by her acting skills and the lies she told Nate to his face. He guessed some people only saw and heard what they wanted to. He kept scanning the images they were getting off the camera in her glasses for any signs of a weapon or something just as worse. Until now it seemed that Nate ate it all up. Voight suddenly patted his arm comfortingly. He hadn't noticed that he'd been sort of growling under his breath:

"Relax Jay. I know her kind. She would have gone after him just to solve this if you wanted her to or not: **F** **or you!** So it's better she does under our supervision! I guess he really thinks he's got her right where he wanted her: back in his grasp!"

Jay could very well see all the rational wherefores. It nevertheless was the display of his very own horrific parallel universe. His biggest fear acted out in front of him: Rianne not believing in him and their relationship, running back into Nate's waiting arms. This weekend really proved to be a personal nightmare and Jay couldn't seem to wake up from it. He still felt he was only hanging on by a thread after his somehow embarrassing breakdown earlier.

"I secured the surveillance footage from the building for the last days and put a tracker on Nate's car…" Kevin announced over the radio.

"Ri, please tell me what you need me to do! I'll do anything! If you need help getting rid of that prick, I'll do it!" they heard on Rianne's wire just after that.

Voight raised his eyebrows at Jay in a telling way… This was certainly a statement Nate would get himself into legal trouble with.

* * *

"I need to get out of this relationship, but I'm gonna have to think about the how. I've witnessed first hand that Jay's got a pretty bad temper and I need some time to figure how to break this off without getting hurt, you know?"

Those last words with which she had left Nate, promising that she'd be back in contact with him, made her a little sick and disgusted with herself. Not only because she'd been telling lies about Jay, but because she knew what fragile state he was in and even though she had told him before she went so see Nate that she would not mean a word she'd be saying, she could only imagine how this must feel like to Jay.

In addition to this she'd used Nate's feelings and weak spot, which was apparently her and their shared history, to trick him into believing she really had changed her mind. Rianne still couldn't believe it had been that easy.  
Her "Can we talk?" by text had been almost instantly answered by: "What about your restraining order?"  
And a conspiratorial: "I won't tell if you won't…" had earned her the meeting on the spot.  
Somehow she was a little offended that Nate seemed to think it was so simple to get her to turn on Jay. So he really didn't believe in that new love after all. But she guessed positively put it was what made him so gullible.

With a still achingly fast pumping heart and shaky limbs she walked three blocks like she'd been instructed to, getting picked up by Adam and Kevin, who'd been manning a surveillance van. She was glad she was able to catch her breath and compose herself before she had to face Jay again, who'd been riding with Voight. Knowing his persevering sergeant would keep an eye on him had eased her mind quite a lot.

"You did good girl," Kevin patted her back when they let her in, then turned to the screens again, observing.

"I feel kind of bad," Rianne admitted contritely.

"I get it…" Adam nodded and ruffled her hair, a little lost for words at this peculiar situation.

It must not be easy for him too: Suspecting a family member of being capable of such a crime and setting him up to find out the truth.

"He definitively recognized Ayla's friend in the picture. I saw it in his eyes for a second. And I'm pretty sure he was surprised. So my guess is he didn't know about this. Also he really has packed up his stuff, ready to move out this week." She was having doubts about Nate being as involved as they had been thinking, surprised that he indeed had the intention of giving her home back to her and not be dragged out of there with force.

"What do we do now?" Rianne asked when neither of the men said anything else.

"Now we wait for him to make a move or wait for us to be wrong…"

They were looking at images of Nate pacing back and forth, doing nothing. After staring at the same routine for several minutes Rianne hung her head:

"Okay, maybe that was a dumb idea and he is not going to do anything at all…"

Honestly she hadn't thought beyond getting that meeting and something to move forward with. It would be challenging to move backwards on the things she'd told Nate if it turned out he was innocent and not involved at all. Worries for another day...  
The next minute though their subject of observation left the area to which they had visual access, but was making a phone call, snapping at the person who picked up at the other end:

"Ayla - what the hell did you do?"

Rianne held her breath, looking into Adam's and Kevin's wide open eyes, intently listening in to what was transmitted on the wire.  
They couldn't hear the person on the other line, but Nate was forthcoming enough to let them know what probably was being said, at least his answer implied as much:

"Okay, so come over here tomorrow before nine. I've got to get to an appointment at ten. I need to speak to you before!"

"Bingo!" Adam chimed, slapping his knees, looking suddenly wide awake.

"So how do we proceed?" Rianne felt her heart pumping excitedly: What did this mean?

"Back to the station. Guess is he's not going to do anything tonight, but we'll be listening in anyway. Then we're going to be at that meet tomorrow, hopefully get Ayla to admit that she ordered the hit on Jay to get into Nate's good books or something like that."

"Okay, now I get why your job's so addictive…" Despite everything a little laugh escaped Rianne.

There was this pure adrenaline rush, an energy flow that came with this new piece of information. Something to hold on to, something that said they might be on the right trace with their detective work. Rianne couldn't wait to see if that would lift Jay's mood somehow, if this would bring him some much needed peace of mind.

* * *

When Adam and Kev rolled into the station with Rianne in tow, his first move was to rip her from the van and clutch her to him, allowing himself a deep intake of air until she said:

"Jay please, I can't breathe!" A little abashedly he let go, glad that she anticipated his need for physical proximity and reached for his hand instantly.

She tried to muster a smile: "Looks like it worked…" but as usual when she tried to put on a brave face said smile didn't reach her eyes completely.

Close to he smelled nicotine on her and some other man's aftershave, making it even harder for him to pull it together and reign his feelings about that in. He really shouldn't be complaining. Not once had she been anything than supportive and not once had she said anything to him about the fact that another woman had been all over him. But he couldn't let it go completely:

"You taking up smoking again?"

"No! I wanted to establish some kind of trust by doing something we have done numerous times together, especially in an emotional crisis. Is there a problem with it?" she asked searchingly, probably knowing there was much more meaning behind his simple question than it entailed on the surface.

"Can't say I'm a big fan, but might have done the trick…"

She gave him a pass on being a prim sourpuss this time, not discussing the matter further.  
Offering to stay awake and see if there was any more action at the loft, Adam and Jay made it possible for the rest of Intelligence to get some rest. Their two suspects had been put into a 48hour holding-cell as Hailey and Vanessa hadn't had any breath-throughs in the absence of the rest of the unit. Offering Marina a deal in exchange for more information had gotten them nowhere. She kept her mouth shut.

Jay knew he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway and still didn't want to. Adam also had a personal interest in this case that kept him going. So they could just as well go through the footage from the Streeterville building.

Rianne had insisted on staying at the district with them. Even if that meant being in the tech room downstairs, where it was drafty and that worn out sofa not very comfortable. She'd said that she wouldn't go home if Jay didn't. As that was certainly out of the question in the middle of this investigation he didn't fight her. He suspected that he would have had to carry her out with the help of several police-officers anyway to get her to leave. Jay couldn't say that he did not appreciate her tenaciousness. He knew that he didn't accept help easily, even if he so desperately needed it. He just wished that for once his guilty conscience would stop telling him that he was a burden to her, to anyone so close to him in fact. His devotion to his job and everything that came with the job itself was a burden, his fears, his traumata, his past in general. And he suspected there would still be some leftover wounds on his end to deal with even after this was over. Whoever wanted to have this in their life?

When coming back from a toilet break with some fresh and hopefully energizing snacks and drinks, Jay found Rianne asleep. As usual envying her ability to just doze off like that in a position that would certainly leave her with a crick in her neck in the morning, he took a moment to study her.

"One minute she was talking to me, next time I turned around she was out like a light," Adam told him, shaking his head.

Covering her with his jacket and sighing deeply Jay turned to his co-worker:

"She told me that when she's stressed out her body sometimes just shuts down, so she falls asleep even if other's would possibly toss and turn..." Like him for example.

"Sounds like a pretty healthy way to cope to me..." Adam muttered.

Jay must have been looking at his girlfriend twitching in her sleep with concern in his eyes, because he suddenly found Adam touching his shoulder reassuringly:

"Believe me man, she can handle this!"

"How can one be so completely in love with a person and so furious with her at the same time, and then sometimes even be furious because you love her?" Jay was wondering out loud.

"Believe me dude, I know the feeling. Me and Kim: Definitely not on the same page right now, but do I love her? Hell yes! Always!"

There was another pause, before he turned to Jay another time and cleared his throat:

"Man, I don't know how to say this but... please know that I'm terribly sorry for what happened?"

Jay just nodded his appreciation for Adam's words, again fighting a big lump in his throat, wishing for it to go away.

* * *

Voight had insisted on Jay and him staying in an inconspicuous car with Upton as their "guardian". Not that Adam was convinced Hailey could do anything if he and Jay decided to go rogue. He really hoped they didn't need to test that theory.  
They had been waiting in front of the building in Streeterville for some action since two hours now. "Before nine" had been somewhat of an imprecise time, but as they knew from the little camera upstairs: no one had entered since Rianne had left the loft yesterday night.

Adam thought Jay must be thankful for the fact that she had an important court-meeting this morning that made her finally get herself out of harm's way. He doubted that Voight would have allowed her to tag along for today's possibly all exposing meeting between his cousin and Ayla, but one could never know if Rianne wouldn't have found a way to be there anyway.  
They were riding on too little sleep and too much nerves, so when Ayla finally showed they straightened in their seats, perking up. Hoping they were only minutes away from finding out the truth.

It was a massive surprise when Nate and Ayla came out of the building just a minute later, Nate grabbing that tiny blonde woman's arm and looking pretty pissed. It seemed he hadn't let her come upstairs. They could see them right now in their rearview mirror, but couldn't hear what they were saying. Jay rolled down the window a bit, hoping they were close enough, but they caught nothing substantial.  
Then suddenly there were voices coming in over their in-ears. Adam noticed that Rojas had slipped from the surveillance van and was hiding behind some cars with a directional microphone. Good girl! They found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion:

"But you said you hated this prick. That he deserves everything evil that's going to happen to him, so I thought…" Ayla screamed, Adam could only see the back of her.

He recognized however the dangerous sound of someone close to loosing it. He had always thought that this girl would be the death of his cousin someday. Never in his life had he hoped to be more wrong.

"You thought that I wanted him dead?" Nate didn't seem to know what he had possibly made Ayla believe he wanted her to do.

"Not dead, but maybe damaged? His reputation tarnished and Rianne leaving his ass, so you could finally stop worrying about her!"

"Yeah, you got that last part right, but I didn't want you to order some kind of hit on him. Pump him full of drugs? She can't loose another man like this, it has to be her own decision to leave him!"

"But no one knows we did this…"

"Ayla, he is the police! They are going to find out eventually. And let's be perfectly clear: **YOU** did this, I didn't have a clue. Have you heard from Marina? Maybe they already got her and she's singing like a bird."

"No, not since I gave her the money!"

"You gave her money to do this?"

"Of course I gave her money! She wouldn't do it for free. Also she had to pay those drugs. I thought you'd be happy..."

It sounded as if Ayla was close to tears right now, seeing her beloved wasn't liking what she had done one bit. At least not like she had wanted him to.

"If Rianne finds out this is all fake she might never come back to me!"

"Come back to you? What's that supposed to mean?"

"God that girl is so dull and clueless it's almost painful," Adam groaned, rolling his eyes to the ceiling of the car.

He saw Jay nervously wiggling his right leg, his features set in stone, eyes on the targets in that side mirror.

"It means that I want her to come back to me stupid! Live with me, be with me, possibly marry me…"

An exasperated laugh escaped Halstead and Upton in the back raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Seeing Aylas reaction to this statement should be interesting.

"What?"

"I thought you knew! You were always suspecting as much! You can't be that gullible?"

"Uh, ouch..." Hailey scoffed and radioed their boss: "Sarge, you want us to move in? She sort of already confessed the crime."

Things between Nate and Ayla got more heated by the second:

"So all the time you kept whining how you were so worried about her, that you didn't trust that cop, you were hoping that she would come back and be with you?"

"Of course! What did you think? That we two could give it another go? I don't think so! You are alone in this, I didn't tell you to go after Halstead! This was solely your doing!"

"My family has serious issues I'm afraid…" Adam sighed, cursing his cousin for being such a jackass but he was stopped in his train of thoughts when he heard Jay alarm them:

"Gun, gun, gun…."

* * *

Jay couldn't help the thought that if Ayla shot Nate some problems would certainly solve themselves. But of course as a police-officer he couldn't let that happen.  
So as soon as he caught sight of the weapon that woman retrieved from her coat, he was handling this like any other kind of incident, any domestic dispute involving a deadly weapon he had ever been faced with. As his gut feeling had been telling him that they had to be prepared for everything Jay wasn't so surprised that this was turning sideways.

"Chicago PD, put the gun down Miss, put the gun down now!"

"You set this up! You completely set me up!" Ayla looked around panicked with a manic expression on her features at seeing herself surrounded by six armed policemen all of a sudden.

She kept waving the gun in Nate's shocked face. Jay wasn't so sure she knew how to use it correctly, but mostly these were the most dangerous situations. Really anything could happen at any second.

"No one set you up! Just drop the gun and we'll talk about things."

This wasn't exactly true, but in order to get her to settle down and loose the gun it had to do.  
Her hands were beginning to shake, while several weapons were pointed at her. She had lost focus on Nate completely. In fact everybody had. So things took another turn when he wrestled the gun from Ayla, grabbed her by the neck and put the firearm to her temple, backing her and himself against the wall of the building they were still in front of.

"Whoa, whoa! Nate what are you doing man? Are you fucking crazy?" Adam flat out yelled.

"Where is she? I need to talk to her. She can tell me herself that this is a terrible mistake. I didn't do anything!"

"So we've heard. All the more reason to put the gun down and let Ayla go! We'll sort everything out at the district." Adam tried to bargain with his cousin.

Jay expected things to be getting out of hand fast. The look in that man's eyes spoke of betrayal, fading hope and desperation.

"You heard the man. Drop the gun!" he added for good measure, earning a hateful stare out of scornful eyes.

"No, I need to speak to Rianne! Now! In fact if you don't I could just as well shoot all of you! Especially you son of a bitch! You ruined everything for us!" Nate waved the gun around dangerously and stopped by pointing it in Jay's direction.

"Dude, this is ridiculous. Can't we take him out somehow?" Jay addressed his unit as he was getting a little impatient and annoyed by this drama.

How could one forfeit his chances at getting away uncharged just like that? It didn't make any sense to him switching from being the victim to being the attacker. On the other hand his obsession with Rianne wasn't so sane as well. With his trained sniper eyes Jay was already checking locations to possibly get a good shot in without harming anyone else. Rojas and Atwater were getting bystanders out of the way.

"You want me to take out my own cousin, just like that?" Adam obviously couldn't believe he was being as cold-blooded as that, but Jay had indeed turned off his whole empathy concerning that individual a while ago.

He just knew if he'd do it it would probably backfire on him on so many levels.

"Call her!" Voight ordered, interrupting their quiet argument.

"And **you** need to get your ass out of the line of fire. You're only going to provoke him," he addressed Jay who begrudgingly did as he was told, watching helplessly as Adam dialed Rianne's number and waited for her to answer it.

* * *

Hurrying out of family-court, checking her phone for any missed messages, seeing Adam's caller ID suddenly flash up made Rianne momentarily fear for the worst. The worst of course being that something had gone wrong, something had happened to Jay.  
So she was relieved when she picked up and heard Adam confirm that said person was fine, but there was a situation with Nate no one had seen coming. At least he hadn't. And she hadn't either.

"Look Rianne, I don't know what has gotten into him but he pulled the gun from Ayla and now he's threatening to shoot either her or him or someone else if you don't talk to him! So Voight said to give him what he wants, buy some time to get him to drop the gun. Maybe you can talk him down? We also have confirmation that Ayla ordered her friend to get to Jay. Nate seems to have been clueless."

Feeling a little out of her debts as to what they were expecting of her she left the building to run for her truck and go be where she was needed immediately, when she heard Nate's voice on the phone, stopping her in her tracks. She was standing in the middle of the side-walk, turning into a pillar of salt:

"Tell me that it wasn't all a lie!" he demanded to know.

With her heart in her throat at being confronted with this situation she swallowed hard before beginning in as steady a voice as she could muster:

"Nate, I need you to calm down. I heard you're threatening to shoot someone. I don't think that's the solution…"

"I need to know that you didn't set me up, that you were not playing some sick game." His voice was wavering, sounding strangely familiar and yet so different.

Her eyes suddenly stung. If Andrea saw what had become of them...  
Everything inside her screamed: Yes, she lied. She lied because he had been threatening her and Jay's love, their whole relationship, their happiness and psychological well-being for weeks now. His hatred and manipulation had made someone who was submissively dependent on him feel the need to get rid of his opponent for him. Rianne didn't really understand how that got Ayla what she wanted in the end, but that woman had been a crazy person all along.

"I didn't play a sick game! I just needed to find out what you knew about the thing that happened to Jay. As it turns out this wasn't on you, it was on Ayla. So if you drop that gun now and let the police handle it, everything can turn out okay. No one needs to get hurt."

"You could have just asked me what I knew!"

"Would you have told me?"

His silence said everything. Never would he have told her that he suspected Ayla of anything. She had always sort of been his back-up plan, so he wouldn't have told on her.

"You're not going to leave him, are you?"

She knew she probably should try to keep up the play, reassure him to get him to loose the weapon, to give in. But she couldn't say it. It didn't feel right to keep up this charade. At this point he wouldn't have believed her anyway and in case she was being on speakerphone she didn't want Jay to hear her say it, even if it wasn't true. So she took a deep breath and softly but clearly said:

"No Nate. I'm not going to leave Jay!"

Rianne didn't know what else to say. She felt completely helpless not being able to see what was happening. Only hearing Ayla's frantic shouting, first Nate's silence and then the absolute desperate way he kept repeating the same things over and over again in a tearful voice:

"You left me, you really left me! And you set me up!"

He was right, but she'd done it to save someone. To get justice for a wrong that was done to the most undeserving person in this whole mess.

"Nate, I didn't want to hurt you on purpose. I think you really need some help! Please get some help?"

"I'm ending this now," she heard Nate say, voice suddenly all clear, making her heart outpace itself.

Then there was the sound of people struggling and an ear-deafening shot that made her jump ten feet high. She assumed the cell-phone she was on fell to the ground, because there was only more deafening eerie silence.

"Nate? Nate! What is happening? Nate?"

No one answered, the call disconnected. For a terrifying minute she froze, all the worst scenarios flashing through her head. Paralyzed she listened to the beeping sounds coming through her speaker.  
Nate shot Jay. Nate shot anyone else from the unit, the unit shot Nate, Nate shot himself, everybody got shot. Blood, commotion, people bleeding out. Death. Her fears were magnified when no one picked up their phones when she tried calling.  
Before she could break out in a full blown panic hers finally rang. Seeing Jay's name and picture pop up on her screen made a relieved sob escape:

"Rianne?"

"Jay! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"What happened?"

"Ayla reached for the gun and it went off. Nate got shot."

"Is he dead?"

"No, it's his leg, through-and-through. I think he's going to be fine though, the ambo his only a few minutes out."

"And Ayla?"

"In custody…kicking and screaming, but we got her. It's over Rianne!"

* * *

Entering his place, he knew she must've heard him come in. But instead of turning around and looking at him with her usually bright face, she acted as if she was busy cleaning up the dishes, putting everything where it was supposed to be, keeping her back to him.

He sighed deeply, gathering all his inner resolve and strength to approach her. When he had closed the gap he felt the nervous energy bouncing off her like a pingpong ball, her shoulders tensed up, when he put his hands on them to stop her actions. Rianne didn't immediately put away the pan she was holding, but slowed her movement. Jay felt her take a deep breath when he leaned in and placed his forehead in her hair, closing his eyes. He knew she was furious with him for ordering her to stay away in the aftermath of everything this morning, to not come to the hospital, to just not get involved. They could get her official statement some other time. There wasn't anything she could do with both Ayla and Nate now in police custody. After he'd gotten his leg stitched up at Med the latter would be facing charges for reckless endangerment and harassment, Ayla's sentence surely a tad bit more serious, because she'd ordered the assault of a police officer that had almost led to his death. Not to forget the attempted character assassination and sexual abuse, even if someone else had been the executing body.

"I'm so sorry!" Jay whispered, closing his eyes.

He felt the exhaustion of the last 48 hours deep in his bones. He was painfully tired. Yet he knew his mind would be racing on, wide awake. It would probably be for some time. He wanted to beg Rianne to just hold his hand and sit with him until he felt better, but he wasn't sure if he could ask that of her. She was certainly devastated too, dealing with a whole lot of different things because of what the last days had held in store for them. Jay knew she was probably feeling bad for her part in having Nate go completely nuts and facing jail time now.

"What do **you** have to be sorry for?" She mumbled, sounding surprised.

She was still facing the kitchen counter, but the tension in her shoulders slowly evaporated at his lingering touch.

"A lot of things I guess..."

"I am sorry, if I've made you feel insecure at any point..." When she turned around he saw that her eyes were bloodshot, her skin a little red and puffy too.

Reacting to the concern in his eyes she added: "And obviously I am sorry for my face. I had another cry-out in your bathroom before you came home."

Just now he noticed that the tv was on in the next room. When he turned his head to the noise Rianne explained:

"Couldn't stand the quiet. It all sort of freaked me out, so I turned it on just for the company..."

It was somewhat strange that she exactly knew what had caught his attention. Jay got it though. He'd done so numerous times.  
He cradled her in his arms, relishing at the feeling of her warm body close to his. He felt it was somehow what kept him in the here and now at this point.

"Jay, I don't know what to say..." Standing on her toes to reach up her arms around his neck and press her face to it she exactly expressed what he was thinking too.

So he took her to sit with him on the couch, finding it too hard to talk, to find the right words to say. They found themselves being numb together for a while, staring at some tv program they weren't really interested in. Finding at least some comfort in each other's presence, in their closeness.  
And without him having to ask Rianne clutched his hand in hers, pressed to her heart, her other one planted firmly on his; radiating warmth and solace until he felt safe enough to at least close his eyes for a little while.


	45. Frantic Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got away from me a little, writing about how Rianne and Jay are dealing after the latest events and in the face of Will's wedding. Characters have a way of doing what they want sometimes. So there will be a part two of this. I hope you look forward to it and let me know what you think. Also somewhere along the way I have to think about if Kim gets to keep that Burzek baby in this story or if I'm sticking to the original storyline. So as I am still pretty torn about it I was wondering if you guys had any thoughts on that ;-)
> 
> Chapter Title "Frantic Love" by Minke

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, MED or FIRE characters. Only my own OCs!**

* * *

Jay knew he probably wasn't the easiest person to live with for the remainder of that week.  
He should have been okay, happier. He got the girl, she didn't waver, she stayed right by his side, his rival had kicked himself out of the game and would probably be out of commission for a while, awaiting his sentence in pretrial custody. Hopefully he would be coming to his senses while being incarcerated. Jay's other tormentors were also on their merry way to be put before a judge and probably not escaping justice anytime soon. So all was right in the world, wasn't it?

Still Jay was in a foul mood. He was withdrawn, snapped at people a lot and generally wasn't so much into talking it out. Right now discussing all the feelings that this episode had left him with just wasn't for him and everybody being all concerned and awkward around him was a thing he could really do without. He was desperately trying to close that pandora's box of reawoken insecurities and get a lid on it.

His brother's impending wedding and all the happy faces and fuss it entailed irritated him, Will trying to make light of everything irritated him and most of all he irritated himself.  
Mainly because he could not seem to get himself to snap out of this funk and wouldn't let anyone help with that either. The habit to want to be left alone and built those wall around him back up was a hard one to kick.  
Jay knew he was walking a thin line. Sometimes he feared that his usual coping mechanisms wouldn't be enough anymore at one point and he would resort to something else to take the edge off… He didn't even want to go there with his thoughts and rather paid Antonio Dawson's old boxing gym a visit to take his anger out on a punching bag.

Still he didn't really sleep. Mostly he was just napping to be able to get by and not risk falling into that deep slumber that he knew would bring on what he couldn't take right now.  
On top of that he was spending hours in the shower to let the water wash away how dirty he still felt at times. At one occasion Rianne found him in there, yelling at him because he seemed to have been standing under an icy rush of water for an unhealthy while. He didn't even feel the cold on his skin and he hadn't noticed that he'd been silently crying. It was like he was sleep-walking through parts of his life. And it was making him mistrustful on top of it all. Refusing to use Rianne as his emotional waste bucket he kept her at a safe distance as best as he could, looking out for signs that she would turn on him eventually.

* * *

Rianne had to deal with an overflow of feelings herself. The following days she found herself jammed up between official statements to the police about her whole history with Nate and how exactly it had all went down when Jay had gone missing Friday night. At the same time she was trying to keep up with her work schedule and dealing with a cranky Jay at home.

His continuing glum mood worried her to no end. It was as if he wasn't really there with her, even if he physically was. Despite her best efforts he wouldn't really talk to her about what was tormenting him the most. From her professional point of view she knew he needed to be ready to do so on his own terms and she desperately wanted to give him that and not be pushy, but it was like walking on eggshells. Rianne really hated that, hoping she didn't miss the point at which it would be too late to get through to Jay. And she already missed him like hell.

If he even bothered to come to bed at all at night, he clang to her desperately despite his ongoing muteness. Witnessing his constant thrashing around and starting up in his sleep, as if he was somehow keeping himself awake somehow, her heart broke repeatedly for him. So to not add to his inner turmoil and obvious stress she kept her own emotions bottled up and began searching for alternative and quiet ways to help him. For example by sprinkling his pillow with drops of patchouli oil, hoping this might help him relax somehow.  
Her sleep hadn't been that restful either. Rianne was plagued by continuing nightmares in which she felt Jay's heart stop under the palm of her hand. And every time there was no resuscitating him. The cold of his lifeless body felt so frighteningly real in her dreams that she sometimes woke up with her face wet from actual tears. Mostly she found the space next to her empty, not contributing to her pacification.

She had to take her heartache somewhere though and talk to someone who would listen and not talk back. Not give her any advice or scold her for not being braver to talk it out with Jay.

Clad in thick layers Rianne found herself visiting Andrea's grave and starting up a silent confession to him, while brushing some leftover snow from his tombstone. Feeling a little dumb to pour her heart out in front of a grave she didn't find it dumb enough to do it. And it wasn't the first time she was, she only hadn't done it for quite a while.  
She imagined Andrea's happy and relaxed face, the face she had made many confessions to. The face that had been her companion for longer than anyone had ever been. With Nate somehow out of her life it was like a constellation had been irrefutably changed. The parts were not fitting anymore. And she was asking herself all kinds of silly and maybe supercilious questions: Like would they have ever met if Nate hadn't introduced them? How would their life have turned out concerning their shared best friend if Andrea was still alive? Would there be repercussions from her actions? Did she have to be afraid of the wrath of Nate's family? Would Andrea's family take his side after all and be on her case for this as well? Was she at fault for this turning out the way it had turned out? Had she somehow driven Nate over the edge?

It really didn't matter because things were like they were and there would be no turning back the time, but still it felt nice to give herself permission to be thinking these thoughts.  
And in a way she felt better afterwards. Maybe it was wishful thinking, maybe there was some kind of connection beyond death. Somehow Rianne was convinced that Andrea understood why she had to do it. And she could hear him say that fate had a way of always getting what it wanted in the end. No matter with whom and when and how: He always would have wanted her to just be happy. And in her heart she was still confident that Jay and her could and would be very happy together if only they kept on climbing these obstacles and didn't refuse to keep going.

She couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched while standing in front of Andrea's grave, but when she turned around no one was there. Maybe she was getting paranoid.

The prospect of Will and Nat's wedding on Saturday and the practicing with Jay's brother for their little performance actually lifted her mood. Nothing like a special occasion to snap out of a gloomy week. It couldn't possibly get worse than last weekend.

* * *

When Saturday rolled around Jay still didn't feel remotely better.  
Having to be at the church earlier with his brother than the rest of the wedding party to make last arrangements and because it was tradition, possibly to assure Natalie that this wedding would really happen this time, was already a nail in his coffin. Will constantly asking him if he was okay and that he hoped he didn't blame him for taking him out that fateful night, made him get off to a bad start with his sibling as well. Sometimes his brother had the tendency to make everything about himself.  
And then he immediately felt bad for thinking like that. This was supposed to be his brother's happy day and he generally wanted him to be just that and liked him with Natalie, very much so.

His mood took a turn for the worse when Rianne was running late. Jay couldn't help but send her a probing text to calm himself down, hoping this was just some minor and usual delay that was so typical for her.

**_"You're not flaking out on me, are you?"_ **

Because of Jay's best man obligations Rianne had gotten a ride to the small church with Sylvie, who was being picked up by Matt, Stella and Kelly at Wicker Park anyway. Probably all that girly getting-ready and chit-chatting took more time than he ever wanted to know.

But he had to wait longer than he liked on an answer from her and it made him jittery with nerves. Jay knew he hadn't been very pleasant for the last days and communication was a little strained between them at the moment, but nevertheless he wanted to have her here. He feared he wouldn't get through this day without her, without her support and without her as his anchor. Finally his phone vibrated in his pocket:

_"Not my fault this time. Had to detour back to Severide's because of a forgotten wedding gift. So sorry, but why would I flake out on you? There's gonna be free booze and free cake tonight. XO"_

He didn't find this remotely funny. It would have been nice to get that "XO" in person to get her physical reinforcement before the ceremony.

Will, Jay and the other groomsmen were in front of the church, talking to the minister upfront, when he got aware of movement at the back of the room. Turning his head to the noise he saw Kelly, Stella, Matt, Sylvie and Rianne hurrying into the little chapel, cutting it really short time wise. The bells were already ringing out.  
He noticed Rianne glancing up to him apologetically and scoot into the aisle with her friends from the firehouse to join Kim, who had been sitting there kind of lonely up until now. He couldn't really respond to her soft looks as he found himself taking in her outfit, instantly fighting for air.

Hair cascading down in soft curls over her shoulders, their unusual color-blending standing out against her bottle green-dress. She sported a model with a lace stand-up collar, a velvety body with triangular cut-outs above her waistline and a flowing tulle skirt. It ended at her knees in the front and was longer at the back. Because she was wearing a coat he couldn't see, but he guessed it was probably showing skin at the back too. When Jay caught a glimpse of her footwear it was getting even harder to breathe. Holy crap!  
Rianne never wore stilettos as far as he knew. The only heels he'd seen on her until now were boots and wedges. These open toed strappy and sparkling dark-silver ankle-boots were more femme fatale than anything she had ever worn and made her legs go on forever. They certainly stirred up all kinds of different emotions inside of him.  
Jay narrowed his eyes to slits. If it was possible he could hear thunder and lightning in his head going off.

* * *

"What's Jay's problem?" Kim whispered, when Rianne had taken the empty seat next to her in the second aisle on the groom's side.

"Oh, he is in a funk… I guess if this wasn't his brother's wedding and he didn't think he kind of ruined it the first time, he would have stayed in bed all day long. Hence his grumpy face."

But it was a grumpy face in a surely nice suit. Rianne could only imagine the green of his dress jacket and pants were bringing out the color of his eyes perfectly and the slim-fit of the suit in general and that crisp white shirt fit him extremely well, accentuating his athletic built. She was a little proud that she had found the right green for her dress weeks ago to match his suit and glad that the pounds she'd lost this week somehow didn't make it hang too loosely off her frame. The anticipation of having a hopefully good time together, both having made an effort to look their best was building up inside of her. Although Jay's stoic posture and serious face made her think that to achieve this would probably not be a total walk in the park for all she knew.

"It's his tense work face. This still got to do with last weekend?" Kim asked.

"This still has to do with so many things I think…" Things she didn't want to talk about in a room full of people, things she mainly wanted to discuss with Jay at some point.

"Where's Adam by the way?" Rianne couldn't see him anywhere and was certain that Will had invited both of them to the wedding.

"Got roped into some case. Actually I'm glad. His constant hovering and fussing over me is driving me nuts!" Kim's eyes sparked with an ire that was unknown to Rianne until now.

"So how's working at dispatch been this week?"

"Don't even get me started", Kim rolled her eyes. "If I have to say: 911, what's your emergency one more time I…"

They were interrupted because suddenly music was being played from the little gallery behind them, the organ announcing the arrival of the bride. And what a beautiful one it was.

Followed by four bridesmaids in silk Natalie had chosen a figure hugging cream-white mid-length lace dress this time around. No veil, just flowers in her hair. Everything was pretty unpretentious, but of a simple beauty in soft colors of lavender, fawn and cream.  
Even though it was highly unlikely for things to repeat itself, Natalie had been pretty anxious about anything stopping the wedding from happening last minute when Rianne had seen her a few days before. Jay's recent experience with sudden changes of plans and the Halstead way of life getting in the way certainly not adding to her inner peace. Her husband to be looked pretty dashing himself in a three-piece green suit, several shades lighter than those of his grooms-men, bringing out the color of his distinct hair. Walking down the aisle towards Will, Natalie was just radiating pure happiness, love and anticipation. Maybe even relief that this moment was finally here and nothing was stopping them now. Fingers crossed.

Rianne felt her heart swell at the sight of that, knowing that this was exactly what she had needed to cheer her up. So she tried to not be offended when Jay avoided her loving gaze at all costs and kept his eyes on the bridal train. They only ever softened when little Owen had reached up to the men, proud of doing such a good job as a ring bearer today. Owen was beaming up at Will, who ruffled the unruly mob of his step-son with moisture in his eyes and Jay watched that scene with the ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

* * *

After the cheerful ceremony Rianne waited for Jay at the end of the steps to the chapel, counting on him to give her a ride to the reception and finally have a few minutes alone with him. Bride and groom had already left for the wedding venue under the hollering and confetti throwing of all the guests who had accompanied them.

Rianne's appreciating smile at Jay in his smart attire was wiped off her face pretty soon, when he greeted her with only a stony expression, forehead in agitated wrinkles. He looked seriously furious with her, grabbing her arm not so gently and towing her along the street to get away from the people still filing out of the church. Without giving her the time of day. She was wondering what the hell she had done to deserve his wrath but it sure as hell was more emotion than she had gotten from him all week.

"Where do you think you're going?" Jay huffed at her when they'd reached his truck.

The air was crisp and there was still snow on the streets. Rianne pulled her coat tighter around her waist, looking confused:

"To a wedding?"

"Hell no! Not like this…"

If it was even possible his features hardened more when he motioned towards her dress. Rianne noticed a vein dangerously pulsating in his neck.

"I'm confused: Did I not get the dress-code right?"

"I am not letting you go like this!" Jay was positively seething.

"Why not?" Rianne couldn't believe that he didn't like her outfit.

It was sexy, but to her knowledge everything important was covered. Up until now he had never complained about her putting on something a little daring and extravagant. She couldn't find anything wrong with it.

"It's…. it's way too sexy!" He laughed exasperatedly as if this was pretty obvious only not to her, the silly thing.

"And those shoes are practically screaming: "please fuck me!"

Rianne laughed out with all her heart. She mustn't have heard him right. He couldn't be serious. But his unwavering face told her: He indeed was, only making her splutter with laughter even more:

"What is this? The 1800s all over again? You want me in a chastity belt?"

"I don't like it! So are you getting dressed into something else?" Jay even had the audacity to look a little hurt now that he realized she didn't take well to his commands:

"To say it with your words: Hell no! So get over it and drive or you'll be late to your own brother's wedding party!"

Rianne almost expected Jay to lock the car on that note and sit this one out with her. Instead she found the car-door open when she reached for it and positioned herself in the front, waiting for Jay to get his act together and join her.  
When he finally did she tried to cheer him up and get them on the same page by rubbing his knee in good humor, saying:

"Maybe you should see it that way: No matter how loud these shoes might scream 'please fuck me': You'd be the only one who gets to do it, so relax cariño!"

Jay just grunted and kicked the engine into gear, obviously not happy with her.

* * *

He was still brooding when they arrived at the venue. Jay knew it was ridiculous and he was being a real knucklehead but his guess was anything really could have set him off today. And then there she was: Looking radiant as hell, even after the week they'd had, sporting this ridiculously sexy dress and those freakin high heels that made her almost as tall as him. If he hadn't been in such a bad mood, rippled with fears and insecurities, he would probably have arranged for them to take a little detour to take that dress off of her and get lost devouring that gorgeous body of hers. Hell he even might have dragged her into the vestry of the chapel for it.

Instead he was irrationally frustrated with her for not dressing in a bin bag, so that no one would even look at her. Although he guessed she would have had to put on an ugly hat and pulled a mask over her face as well to achieve that.  
Nate might not be the only guy he had to fight for Rianne. Not the only guy that was obsessing about this girl. And that she seemed so oblivious to other men's attention was ridiculous in his eyes and made him insanely angry. But like it had been for the last couple of days he wasn't able to express just that. Or talk himself down.  
Reacting to him not talking to her Rianne made another attempt at getting him to lighten up once he had turned off the engine in the parking lot:

"Look Jay, I love you, but I love myself too and for a big part this is also **your** doing. So don't ruin this for me by making me feel small and as if I only have to fulfill someone else's needs tonight. Because fyi: I mainly chose this dress because I really like myself in it and I **deserve** to feel good about myself. I also chose it because I thought you would appreciate it too. No one else: **You** idiot! Wrap your thick head around it!" Rianne got out of the car slamming the door shut, Jay followed her quickly.

Despite not really wanting to argue further about this he couldn't let it go:

"I don't wanna make you feel small! I just don't want anyone fantasizing about how you look and feel underneath that dress! It leaves very little to the imagination anyway!"

He knew what she looked and felt like underneath and he still couldn't get enough. Her feline eyes narrowed on him, sparking dangerously:

"Excuse me? Are you saying I'm dressed like a whore somehow?"

"No, that's not at all what I am saying."

"Then why does it bother you so much? Or is this you back to being a possessive alpha-male?"

Jay hadn't noticed that he must've been staring at her shoes, thinking how exactly to answer her question. He couldn't really explain it, could he?

"So it's the shoes that bother you? How about I take them off then, hm?"

Fumbling around with the straps, respectively balancing on one foot only, she made quick work with her heels, throwing sullen looks in his direction. Shoving the shoes in his surprised hands she was right up in his face, brushing her lips over the corner of his mouth with a slight hiss:

"Suck it up Halstead!"

A shiver ran through him and he heard himself actually growling at the sudden closeness. Rianne left him standing there on that note, walking very upright, head held high and barefoot through a layer of snow into the reception hall. Jay kept gaping after her with the pair of shoes in his arms.  
Closing his eyes for a minute and counting to ten, he followed, already scolding himself for not being able to control his temper.

Dodging several relatives and acquaintances who wanted to chit-chat with him once he was inside, he kept his eyes out for Rianne, knowing he really should not leave her stirring in her irritation with him for too long. And she couldn't possibly walk around barefoot for Christ's sake.

He spotted Rianne in the proximity of the bar, sipping at a glass of champagne, taking in the room. She had already gotten rid of her coat, her suspected bare back now on full display.  
Jay had to remind himself to keep breathing and not have another fit.  
Instead he came to a halt behind her, waiting until he could feel and see that she was aware of his, or at least someone's proximity. When he tentatively touched the naked skin just above her waistline the fact that she didn't flinch told him she knew it was him. Noticing the goosebumps he elicited on her skin with his cold fingers heat arose to his own cheeks. Jay leaned in and pressed a small kiss behind her ear, whispering:

"I'm sorry…"

Then he brought the straps of her heels up to her left hand, letting them go after he saw her grab a hold of them, brushing the tip of her pinkie over his knuckles. He hoped that meant he was forgiven...

"I thought this was supposed to be 'a small thing'?" Rianne said, admiring the crowd Will and Natalie had pulled together.

There were several more people than at the small church. Hospital staff, family and friends of Natalie, friends of Will's, his drinking buddies, the Molly's staff, other work colleagues and some Halstead aunts, uncles and cousins. As champagne and wine started flowing and canapés circling spirits were getting elevated.

"I know right? Makes you wonder whoever is left working Chicago Med tonight..."

She had pushed her glass into his hand to put on her shoes again. It seemed Jay didn't succeed in keeping a neutral expression at that. After Rianne was done and unusually eye-level with him she pulled the corners of his mouth up into a smile with her thumbs:

"Can we hug it out or is this how it's going to be all night? I wanna be prepared!"

Getting rid of the glass he was still holding as a waiter passed them by, he didn't hesitate to follow her indirect invitation before she changed her mind and softly pulled her into him.

"I could complain about your handsomeness too, you know? You sure are rocking that suit and you smell real nice…" Rianne muttered, while he held her warm body close to his, breathing her in too.

She ran her fingers through his hair the way he liked it and planted soft little kisses on his ear and cheek. Jay just shut his eyes tightly. Engulfed in that infatuating familiar scent of some heady perfume and just overall her he wished they could beam themselves back home right now. He felt way too tetchy to be at ease in this crowd.

"Oh no, here we go…" Jay sighed suddenly and held on to her a little tighter, while he lifted his head from her shoulder to which he'd pressed a single kiss.

"What?"

"Undesirable relatives on your six…" he explained and released her from the hug, while keeping his arm around her waist protectively:

"Watch out for uncle Pete, he's got wandering hands!"

This was exactly why he wasn't a big fan of those festivities. The relatives they had left, consisting of his paternal siblings and their offspring, weren't his favorite people on the planet. Not that he was especially close with them, they hardly ever spoke. He just knew when **he'd** get married they wouldn't necessarily be on the guest-list. It was a shame really that his mother's only sister had passed away three years ago. Jay had always liked her best.

After uncle Pete had cost him a lot of clenching his teeth because he kept laying on the compliments for his "sweet" girlfriend a bit thick, they also had to endure an encounter with his least favorite cousin Gene and his wife April.  
It would have helped if Rianne wasn't so nice and attentive all the time. Small-Talk was the least he wanted to deal with today. Of course he knew that it was impossible at this sort of event, but he just wanted to be left alone and she was obviously trying to make up for his taciturnity.  
And they all made a fuss because he had brought a girl. Seen from their perspective it probably was big news, because he was known as the no-nonsense detective whose life consisted of work and nothing else. Erin had been the last girlfriend that he'd brought to the few family gatherings they'd had. And that had surely been some time ago.  
So it shouldn't have come as a surprise when his cousin's wife gushed:

"Oh, and she's not someone you work with?"

His cousin was more blunt. Gene was a little older than Will and some kind of chauvinist in his 40s, who very contently kept on living the Southside life of Chicago. Jay and him really had nothing in common and his cousin's small-mindedness had irritated him ever since they were kids. He suspected the main reason for accepting this wedding invitation were free drinks and food. Gene actually gave Jay the thumbs up after accessing Rianne very blatantly from head to toe, drawling:

"I have to give it to you Jay: Nice asset, very nice!" The tension that had been there the whole time threatened to take over, but Rianne was faster:

"Oh wow - really? I mean: I'm standing right here, you know?" She laughed a little shocked.

Gene seemed to see that as some sort of invitation:

"I'm just saying honey, I didn't think little Jay had it in him, scoring someone like you, ya know!" He winked a little suggestively, possibly making steam come out of Jay's ears on the spot.

Rianne's laughter got stuck in her throat.

"Someone like me? What's that supposed to mean?" She frowned.

Jay had always disliked sexist comments, because he had been taught better than to treat women as just a piece of ass, so he was right in his cousin's face:

"That's enough! Do we have to take this outside?"

"Jay… it's okay…" Rianne held him back by digging her nails into his arm.

Her body next to his was on alert and ready to throw herself at him if he so much as took a step further. Jay knew she could deal with a douchebag like Gene and wasn't really offended. She knew he wasn't important to him, so she probably didn't give a crap, but still: He was **very** offended on his and her behalf!

"Relax brother!" Will suddenly appeared behind them and put his arm around Jay's shoulder:

"No need to get all chippy! Sometimes I fear he's turning out just as sour and grumpy as the late old man!" He continued, eliciting a laugh out of Gene by trying to break up an imminent fight in good-old Will fashion: Diversion and mockery.

That deriding tone, the reference to him turning into his dad somehow and the very patronizing gesture of his brother was the final straw. If he didn't get out of here he couldn't guarantee for anything. Violently shrugging Will's arm off him and pushing him out of the way Jay left. He was too hurt to even bark a come-back at his brother.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED...


	46. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said last chapter: This one got away from me a little. It's a lot of talking and ups and downs and it took me longer to edit than I thought because it was all over the place. I hope you enjoy it anyway, especially since it's gonna be another wait until new episodes of our favorite show! :-)
> 
> Chapter Title "Broken" by Lifehouse

DISCLAIMER: **I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"I guess some things never change! You always were too sensitive Jay!" Gene called out after him when Jay took off in the direction of the men's rooms.

"And you obviously always an insensitive jackass! Show a little more respect, at least to your wife!" Rianne scoffed at him, making Gene toddle off by giving him the evil eye.

Then she turned to Jay's brother, scowling just as indignantly. She couldn't believe him: "Nice Will! Who's side are you on?"

"Am I not even allowed to make a silly joke? Jay obviously doesn't want me to cuddle him. When I asked him before if he was doing okay he almost bit my head off, now I am trying to act like I normally would and it's also wrong…So what am I supposed to do?"

"Well, there's a big difference between cuddling and being just downright insensitive!"

The Halstead brothers were obviously hopeless when it came to handling a personal crisis of the other. Despite their mutual love and respect for one another, they just didn't get where the other was coming from. Sometimes there was a go-between missing.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know. I hope he will. He just has to be!" That was really all she needed him to be.

"But if you actually wanna help with that: Stop with the inappropriate jokes and the fooling around on his expense and just be there. Freakin Apologize! I get it, it's hard to watch him struggle, but I think he's also trying really hard for you today. So go, talk to him!" Sending Will off with a slap on his red locks she felt like a referee, keeping them in line.

* * *

"Oh hello Rianne, nice seeing you here!"

"Good to see you too, Dr. Charles! Sit, have a drink with me!" Rianne raised her glass to Chicago Med's psychiatrist.

She hadn't seen him since a week before, when Jay had so graciously discharged himself. But she sure had thought about him from time to time wishing Jay would somehow decide to got back to Med and talk to the man. She had found him very helpful before.  
The good doctor followed her invitation. After Jay had stomped off she had been left alone. Drinking at the busy bar seemed like a nice place to pass the time until he hopefully came back.

"If you don't mind me saying so: You look stunning tonight!" Daniel Charles nodded at her in good humor and she just loved him for his friendly and relaxed face keeping her company.

"I don't mind, but you wanna be careful not to mention that to my boyfriend as he seems to be extra sensitive concerning that today…"

"And where is that brave man of yours?" Dr. Charles let his eyes roam around the room, raising his eyebrows at her.

"Maybe he's practicing his best man's speech in the restrooms. Or possibly kicking his brother's teeth in!" She really hoped he wasn't doing that.

"So, how is he doing?"

"Oh you know him… keeping it steady…at least on the outside."

"And how are **you** holding up?" It seemed that the professional never left his job behind completely.

She could tell a thing or two about that.

"You know me… keeping it steady…"

"On the outside…" he winked at her, knowing what she had wanted to say.

"Exactly," Rianne smiled and toasted him again, already feeling a light champagne rush.

"Well, you know… if it gets too hard to do that: You both know where to find me."

* * *

After Dr. Charles had excused himself to get to his table, Rianne kept people-watching.  
Seeing Natalie interact with her ex mother-in-law, she kind of admired how the other woman dealt with the situation. It also reminded Rianne how she still had to figure out things with **her** ex-family-in-law. As events had come thick and fast the only one she had talked to until now was just Guilia. Another point on her "things to get off her chest" list.

Getting tired of waiting around for Jay to come back she got up and took a fresh glass of champagne over to the table that had been allocated to Stella, Kelly, Matt and Sylvie and also Kim. There were some free chairs because of people still mingling, so she slumped down next to her best friend in desperate need for some more comfort, no questions asked.

"What's up Jay's ass? He's kind of moody given that it's his brother's wedding. Did you have a fight already?" Stella didn't loose any time to come straight out.

Nothing really escaped her watchful eyes.

"Kind of! He's angry with me for the way I dressed. Apparently it's not coy enough for his taste…"

Somewhere in the back of the room Rianne caught sight of him again. He had spotted her too, but was heading straight for the bar now. If she could just read what was going on in his stubborn mind. She had an idea or two about it, but she was sure it was even more complicated than that.

"I think you look good enough to eat señorita!" Stella gave her the best winky come-on face she could muster, making Rianne sigh with a strained smile:

"Yeah, that's exactly the problem…So I guess he's still mildly pissed…"

Stella cuddled the momentary lapse in her peppiness out of her and they clinked glasses. Her friend's sweet and expensive scent cocooned her in a cloud of warm cordiality. While sharing a few more comments about decorations, wedding guests and the food, Stella made out Jay in the crowd too:

"Is Jay **flirting** with that girl over there?" She looked a little puzzled.

"Yeah! My guess is he's doing it on purpose!" Rianne snorted.

She didn't know who that smart-looking red-head was Jay was making conversation with, smirking a lot and keeping that lady obviously very entertained. Could be someone from Natalie's family or the hospital staff. Rianne stuck her tongue out when he caught her looking. She didn't have to wait long for him to come over:

"Ladies…, gentlemen…" Jay tersely nodded at the firehouse crew, before his hand wrapped itself around Rianne's upper arm.

He squeezed it and lowered his voice at her: "Would you come with me for a second?"

"Of course," she smiled fake-sweetly then glanced around at her friends:

"Excuse us…" Rianne heard them snigger in her back at her grimace.

* * *

"What was that?"

She knew he was referring to her outstretched tongue just now. Jay had pulled her into a corner in the hallway, outside of the main room. Waiters were running around them, getting food out to the tables. Dinner was about to start any minute.

"I can be childish if you can!"

He just glared at her and changed the topic:

"Do you wanna sit at your friend's table or with me?"

Right, so he didn't want to talk about what had just happened between him and his brother, so she let it go.  
Of course they were supposed to be sitting at the bride and groom table. Rianne hadn't planned on sitting anywhere else, but him doubting that annoyed her:

"I don't know: Do you **want** me to sit with you or would you rather invite that virtuously dressed lady you were talking to to be your escort tonight?"

"Rianne, my fuse is kinda short, so you not arguing with me over everything would be very appreciated…"

"I can see that, but I will not accept you being an immature jerk. I'm not your enemy!"

"Would you just shut up and come with me?"

"Make me!"

She kept staring into Jay's eyes defiantly, capturing his fawn colored tie between her fingers, pulling him a little closer. Something sparked in his pupils, like golden speckles, a tiny fire she so missed and loved. A deliberate lick over her lips made him blow out a hot breath that whispered over her face delicately.  
He was just leaning in to finally press those damn lips to her mouth and deliver her from the tension that had been building up inside her, when a throat was cleared behind them audibly:

"Jay, we kind of want to get the speeches and dinner started!"

Gee, thanks Maggie, Natalie's maid of honor! Now that tension would possibly be completely killing Rianne throughout dinner.

* * *

No matter how old he got, family still had the ability to make him feel like he was seven years old all over again.  
Jay had been short of ditching this whole wedding and take off had his brother not come after him to instantly apologize.  
By for once being honest, admitting that what he'd said had been uncalled for, that he didn't know how to handle Jay right now, didn't know what he needed from him, Will had actually been able to get through. He was sorry, feeling guilty for letting Jay go home alone last Friday, that he wished he would have seen him take off safely in a taxi or made sure that he was really on his way. As usual feelings between the brother's were somewhat raw.

Jay knew he was taking out his frustration on the most undeserving person of all. So he had wanted to kiss Rianne badly just now for not already having bolted on him and his cranky ass, but when they were interrupted the moment, the guts to do it, were gone. Maggie bringing up his next task completely destroyed his momentary focus on something good and possibly soothing.

He was a private person, not a showman. He knew he could be funny and draw in a crowd if he wanted to and was feeling like it. He could lead people professionally. But today just thinking about all eyes of all the guests on him made his skin crawl.  
Why ever had he agreed to do this? He could not back out now. This meant so much to his brother. Their relationship was paved with several disappointments on both sides. He didn't want to add to them. Especially as he was the only close family Will had left at his big day.

Rianne scooted over to him on her seat, resting her chin on his shoulder, after he had towed her through the room rather impatiently, anticipating his still high-level of stress:

"Just breathe okay? We will get through this day. Something is gonna make you push through, I know it!" With a single sweet peck to his neck she gave him physical space again.

Jay appreciated that she wasn't making him look into her eyes. He feared that at one point today, if he let her see his tormented soul for a minute too long, he would crumble before her. And everyone else around.  
He sort of needed someone to keep him grounded, but there was no way he could hold her hand while he gave that speech now could he?

* * *

Sometimes small miracles happened. And this one proved Rianne's point that children had a sixth sense concerning adult emotions and really were little geniuses with healing powers. Still waiting on everyone to take their seats to start off dinner, little Owen came up to them, inserting himself between Jay and Rianne.

"Uncle Jay?" It came out more as "Uncl Tschay" and brought a smile to Rianne's face.

One just had to love youngster solecism. He had a colorful drawing with him looking up at Jay all expectantly.

"Hey bud, what's up?" It seemed Owen had the ability to bring a smile to Jay's face just by being there.

"For you, so you don't need be sad an'more!" With a grand gesture the boy pressed the painting on Jay, waiting for his reaction, obviously very content with himself:

"And cause you're my real new uncle now, so mommy said!"

Rianne held her breath. That was actually such a sweet and loving gesture she wanted to cry. Jay was getting all choked up and teary-eyed too. She saw him looking at that piece of paper, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat. She was quicker to recover and jumped in, not wanting Owen to think there was something wrong with his art:

"Oh wow! That's such a good painting! Can I see it too?"

"I know!" Owen beamed, turning and giving it to her, thinking a short while before he said:

"You're the singing boxes lady."

"That's right…" Rianne laughed because that little boy had categorized her due to their latest encounters while moving-day and practicing songs with Will last week.

"Are you married too?" The boy's eyes flitted between her and Jay.

"No," Jay smirked and his eyes caught hers in a way that made her heart stop momentarily.

Did he just wink at her? But then he hugged Owen and had his attention back on him:

"Thank you for the painting buddy. It's very, very sweet of you."

"I wanna sit witch you!" Owen insisted, already beginning to squeeze himself in between Jay's knees.

"I would like that very much, but your 'real new uncle' is gonna give a speech now, so you can't sit on my lap for that."

"Are you speechin' too?" Owen seemed to be a practically thinking kid and addressed Rianne next.

"No…"

"Then I wait witch you til Uncle Jay's finished."

She was a little surprised at that sentiment, because she hadn't really had many encounters with Owen Manning in the past.  
But he had adopted her as a member of the extended Halstead-Manning family today. Without waiting for her permission he began to climb her lap, and when Jay finally stood up to do the honors, he did too on her legs saying:

"I wanna speech too!" smiling up at Jay again and extending his little hand to him.

Amused and somewhat in awe Jay took it, while Owen proudly imitated Jay's upright posture, balancing himself with his other hand in Rianne's hair.  
She tried her best to keep Will's stepson steady, her heart beating faster. Natalie threw worried glances at them, obviously thinking this could be bothering her, but Rianne made sure to mouth "it's okay" to the other woman. This was somehow a fateful constellation. She only had to keep her mind from going some dark place at the thought of having a child in her arms that was just a year and a half older than her own would have been by now. Seeing Owen with Jay this way tugged at her heartstrings enough as it was.

Rianne wasn't surprised that Jay managed to be all funny and charming, eliciting both laughter and some tears by telling jokes on Will's expense and his voice sincerely warm when he wished the newlyweds all the luck in the world, because he thought they truly deserved it after everything they had been through together. She knew that it cost him a lot of inner strength.

When he sat down after hugging Will and Natalie, everyone clapping and raising their glasses to them, Owen climbed over to his new uncle's lap, hugging him for a long while. Jay glanced at Rianne, shaking his head, obviously taken aback about his little unexpected guardian. Jay put his hand on her leg, she felt it was shaking, and a little clammy with cold sweat. His hands normally were always warm and dry. She squeezed it tight and swallowed back her own emotions.

* * *

"Thought we'd keep you company…" Stella, Kelly, Kim and Sylvie were suddenly next to him.

"On your own volition or did she tell you to keep an eye on me?" Jay managed to give them a half smile and not come across as completely antisocial.

He knew they all meant well.

"Just thought the unmusical section should stick together while those showboats get up there and risk their reputation…" Severide winked at him and nodded to where Will and his entourage were preparing themselves on a make-shift stage.

To not risk getting too drunk before he had to perform his wedding surprise for his wife, Will had decided to do this little show right after dinner and before the cake, making Rianne give up her post at his side for the time being.  
Jay was almost starting to relax a little through the first two songs, the room dark apart from where they were playing the music. In their little corner he didn't feel quite so visible and safer than he had throughout all the official ado today.  
In a way Jay was proud. Proud of his brother for obviously making his wife very happy with the effort he'd put in to play songs that seemed to hold personal memories for them. Admittedly only his brother could pull off a rearranged version of Rhianna's "Stay" and not look completely stupid. Exaggerating some dramatic poses with Rianne on the piano he even managed to elicit real laughter out of Jay and the rest of 51 around him. Their voices sounded really good together and Jay was happy to see his girl smile so much.

For Paul Weller's "You do something to me" Will had roped in Matt Casey to play a little piano while Rianne changed to electric guitar and singing second voice, they all had a blast. It surely wasn't perfect but far from making fools of themselves. Everyone was loving this performance and the audience rewarded them with exuberant applause.

Will looked a little surprised when after the kissing and crying from Natalie and "encore" calls from the guests, Rianne didn't just leave the stage with him, but took over the microphone and Matt her instrument. Jay perked up as well. He knew what she was up to, but was curious regardless, because she had been really secretive about her song choice:

"We're not finished I'm afraid. Sorry I didn't tell you Will, but this is kinda my wedding present for you two. I know it's going to delay the program and you guys sneaking out. I checked with the wedding committee and they said it was fine. Maybe you guys would want them to make their first appearance as a married couple on the dance-floor with this next song?" Rianne announced, turning to the audience for the last sentence, earning catcalls and motivating claps and whoops for Will and Natalie to get onto the stage as well.

Rianne smiled winningly into the crowd with just a hint of nervousness.

"You know you're dating a wannabe rockstar, right?" Kelly elbowed Jay in good humor.

"I'm afraid I am..." he sighed, but wasn't able to hide his pride.

Yeah, she was kinda good at that. He'd noticed even back when he'd disliked her: She was a true people-person.

"I'm sorry that I didn't write this song myself and that I didn't get a whole band to help me perform. So I have to cheat with this little machine and Matt. Give it up for Matt Casey and the loop!"

More whooping and clapping that the newlyweds used to get themselves into a starting position, positively antsy because they didn't know what song this would be. To their knowledge it could just as well be some prank.

"So this cover from Belle Mt. is called 'Loving you' and is of course for you, the new Mr. and Mrs. Halstead: Congratulations again, I'm really happy you two finally managed to get married!"

There was some overall laughter at that comment. Rianne waited until the room fell silent again before adding:

"And it's also for... the best man in the room!" With an unerring eye for where to find Jay, Rianne's gaze fell on him.

He almost choked at her loaded expression. When some heads turned and followed her line of vision it was as if a spotlight had been directed at him.  
Jay didn't know the original song, but just like the first time when he'd heard her sing at Molly's, her voice and the lyrics, the song she'd chosen, touched something inside of him that wasn't easily to be put into words. Every nerve end in his body was humming, blood rushing in his ears along with his heartbeat. He of course even liked it better without her former band mate.  
Creating a mysteriously invisible band and a unique sound by first looping her acoustic guitar and her voice, then also recording some sort of rhythm by stomping and clicking her fingers, Matt playing electric guitar for the second verse, Rianne cast a spell over the room, Will and Natalie and especially him.

_"…When darlin' you're the only fit, you should know_

_Each time I break the final straw_

_It's loving you, blinds the senses_

_Reveals my inexperience_

_Oh, I can't even help myself_

_So how do I handle someone else?_

_It's loving you, takes me higher_

_The only thing that keeps the fire_

_Is loving you…"_

Those words hit him hard, making his heart thump loudly in his chest.

Love was such an overwhelming and intense emotion, all consuming. Love made him addicted to someone else, bound him to someone else's fate. It also made him feel tight up and dependent on someone he could not control. It made him vulnerable. It was an emotion bigger than him. Absolutely nothing compared to this magical and also destructive force. Love asked everything of himself. Fight, flight or freeze? What was his darkest side that love let the whole world see?

In the darkness of the room Jay felt the moisture in his eyes slop over, his chest feeling too tight. What the hell would he do if she somehow decided to take that love away from him?  
When Kim touched his arm he flinched, like he was waking up from a dream. He instantly felt sorry but he just couldn't take it.

* * *

Rianne excused herself from everyone that had gathered afterwards, complimenting on the performance and wanting to chat. She couldn't see Jay among them. Not able to find him anywhere in the room and not in the hallway, she put on his discarded suit coat and went to look for him outside, glad to see the truck still parked where they had left it, but it was empty.  
Somewhere inside she felt her strength fade, she couldn't keep chasing after him like a wayward child. Maybe it was better to get him home, if this really proved too much for him. She couldn't keep on pulling him back in when he didn't want to be here.

Kim called her back inside, having noticed her searching for Jay:

"I saw him go into the side room after getting some air!"

So in the conservatory of the venue Rianne thankfully found Jay. Taut back to her, broad shoulders squared, he was staring out through a large window into the winter landscape. Fairytale lights and lanterns were lighting up the garden outside. It was a beautiful sight. But Jay hadn't come here for the view, he'd come here for the solitude.  
Announcing herself by saying his name and carefully approaching him from behind, she ran her hands up his back and over his tense shoulders, then down his arms again. His skin radiating warmth under the fabric of his dress-shirt, Rianne was relieved to get to touch him without him backing away. The minute she crossed her arms around his torso and put her hands over his pecs she felt a shiver run through him and a stuttering breath escape Jay's mouth.

"You wanna go home? If you wanna leave we'll just leave…"

Instead of answering he just held on to her hands and arms tightly, pulling her even closer to him, so that her front was flat against his back. Feeling the muscles in his shoulders twitch, she would have given her all to resolve some of the tension there.

"Please just talk to me baby!" Rianne felt like crying.

Watching him struggle with himself was as hard as it was exhausting. Another long pause followed. At least she felt his breathing getting a little less strained. She bit her lip to not say something impatient like: 'Jay, you need to form actual words with your mouth!', the suspense was slowly killing her.

"You're having trouble sleeping. I've noticed you toss and turn!" He said it like a reproach, turning around and revealing a face that held all the evidence of an emotionally overwrought man.

There was nothing radiant in his features anymore. His eyes held no real light, his cheeks ashen.

"Yeah! So?"

"Is it because you wish for things to be different?" He crossed his arms over his chest.

Seriously? This was what he wanted to talk about? She laughed a bitter laugh:

"You wanna know why? I felt your fucking heart stop! I felt your heart - **STOP** Jay!"

"I know!" Jay kicked at something invisible on the floor with the toe of his shoe, not meeting her eyes.

"No, you don't. You don't know what that felt like! So that's keeping me awake at night!"

"You know why I don't know how that felt like for you? Because you didn't say anything! Instead you snuck off to the cemetery…" Bellowing Jay was back.

Rianne had to give it to him: It was surprising how he'd turned the tables. Here she'd thought they would finally be talking about what was on his mind concerning his struggling throughout last week.

"You followed me?"

Jay just nodded almost unnoticeably, making her roll her eyes up to the ceiling and pinch the bridge of her nose, because she felt a pounding headache coming. This was so typical! Rianne took a deep breath:

"I won't even get started on that, but yes: I was having a hard time this week! If you would have **asked** me I would have talked to you about it sooner, but I didn't wanna bother you, because I know you were dealing with your own head game. Equally not ready to talk I might add! And yeah, maybe now I understand irrational guilt trips, because I keep thinking it was my plan that brought Nate there the day with Ayla, my plan that got him shot. So it kinda felt like I wronged him somehow. I guess it's not really something you wanna hear. So that's what made me talk to a dead person, it's what I felt I needed to do. I acted on it, because I know if I don't: I can't let this go. I would have told you eventually, but as you decided to spy on me I guess it's on you that you didn't ask me straight away and kept spinning this every way possible. I don't even wanna know what you were thinking!" She pulled his jacket tighter around her as she was suddenly freezing.

Jay rubbed his hands over his face in frustration, a little remorse evident in his eyes:

"I'm so fucking tired!"

"I know! Remember, I live with you? So how about we talk about that for a moment instead of **my** sleeping issues? At least I am not biting everyone's head off because of it!"

"No, you're being all rainbows and unicorns and roses and over-the-top friendly and way too understanding!" And they were back to yelling.

"Too understanding? Me? I was under the impression that I've been pissing you off for most of the day, what kind of **too understanding** is that? What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know: **Not** support me all the time, yell at me, fight me…" She was pretty sure that he had wanted to add 'leave me' to the list.

"I think we're fighting right now…"

"You should tell me that I'm too fucked up, that you don't need this in your life and not dedicate some kind of love song to me!"

So **that** had him thrown for a loop… Rianne sighed:

"Why the hell would I tell you that?"

"Because I want you to!" He outright screamed at her, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Okay right… " Tears were spilling from her eyes now.

Angry tears, exhausted tears, she couldn't really tell. For a moment she was a little lost on how to proceed. They had been here before. What else could she possibly say or do to get him back to reality and out of that self-doubting, miserable state? Hadn't she dealt with some of those issues and behavior herself in the past, she would probably have thrown in the towel already. It was hurting nonetheless.  
The silence in the room was palpable even if the noise, voices and music from the next room, where everyone was having a good time, floated over.

"Do you know why I can't tell you that?" Rianne finally said, wiping at her cheeks with the back of her hands.

Jay looked at her from under his lashes, still guarded. She didn't care that her voice was wobbly and breaking throughout this, that fresh tears were probably ruining what was left of her make-up. Rianne was charged with anger that he made her say it so she pushed through with force:

"When we found you lying out there like you were dead, when you coded in the ambulance, when they had to shock your heart and for a split second there was the possibility that this was it, that they wouldn't be able to revive you, that I would never get to talk and laugh with you, never kiss and love, generally never see you walk this earth again, that I wouldn't get the chance to have a future with you: That thought was so unbearable I was in physical pain I couldn't breathe. So that's why! **I need you Jay!** I know that's not what you wanted to hear but I won't lie to you to endorse some sort of fucked-up image of yourself you've created in your head!"

He had been walking around in circles, running his fingers through his hair, clenching his jaw, trying to stem his tears but not succeeding. Rianne wasn't done:

"And the only reason that I would leave you alone is if you can honestly tell me that you don't feel the same about me! That you blame me for what happened to you and you don't wanna be with me anymore!" Rianne held her breath, praying to the heavens above that he didn't say it just to completely destroy it all.

Thankfully he didn't. Instead he almost made her loose her balance when he wrapped himself around her without warning, burying his face in her hair, his fingers almost bruising her skin by holding on so tight.

"I'm sorry, I... it feels like... I feel like I'm all open. I can't keep building up my walls as fast as they are coming down again and again. I can't hide, I can't find my safe place. So I wanna cling to you instead and I think I can't keep doing that..."

"Why not?"

"Because... you know... it makes me feel weak."

"Why is it weak to lean on someone?"

"I'm scared I just love you too much!" Jay rambled, not exactly answering, lifting her a little off the ground with his force.

"Could we possibly sit down? My feet are actually killing me..." Rianne whispered after what she thought were a good ten minutes of saying nothing, just sharing wayward tears and holding each other, choked up with all different kind of emotions.

She didn't want to be insensitive, but she couldn't keep standing like this any longer. When Jay looked up there was the faintest hint of a mocking smile behind those still very clouded eyes. They moved to a chaise lounge in the corner of the room, Jay keeping his head in his hands as if to gather his composure again. Then he looked down to her feet and up at her face, biting his lip:

"On a scale from one to ten: How much do your feet hurt?"

"Elven?" Rianne cringed. "Serves me right for riling you up I guess."

"So can I take them off of you then?"

She nodded her okay and put her feet in his lap, Jay carefully peeled the heels off of her. She imagined he got a bit of satisfaction out of the fact that she tried to suppress sounds of discomfort when he pressed his palm to her sore soles and toes. He kept massaging her feet a little longer, engaging in more deliberate skin contact than they'd had all week.  
Her throat felt dry when his hand tenderly wandered higher and higher up her leg, slowly drawing her closer to him. He kept his eyes on the task, his forehead still in wrinkles, while she held her breath. She desperately wanted him to touch her more. To make sure they were on the same page.

"Tell me why you're so good at being all shiny and glowing tonight whereas I just wanna crawl under a rock?" He only glanced at her for a second, then all his attention was back to drawing delicate circles around her knees.

"It doesn't mean that I'm totally fine. But whereas you have the need to disappear when you're feeling under the weather and sometimes that is what I need too, there are times when I have to get out there, face the pain in a bright an shiny armor that reminds me that there is so much more to life than misery and loss. That there are also sparkling heels… and sexy boyfriends… with very kissable, freckled lips…"

Finally he looked up and met her eyes, now only inches away from her face. She really hoped he wouldn't push her away and that she read the signs in the depth of his emerald pools right when she softly pressed her lips to his. He let it happen and drew her closer to him so that she could cradle her hands around his neck and as he parted her lips with his tongue her body shuddered in relief. It wasn't gone, that spark, that electricity, that urge to completely want to drown in one another.  
Jay pulled a little at the hair in her neck and she heard herself whimper. Coming up for air for she looked at his flushed cheeks and bruised lips, his searching gaze.

"So… you still want me that way?" Rianne heard him mutter, voice a little husky and lips continuing to whisper over her cheeks and eyes.

Pure bliss! Only slowly his words registered with her, making her jerk her head up straight and look at him in disbelieve:

"Beg you pardon? Whatever gave you the idea I could not want you **that way** anymore?"

"I don't know… you've been kind of … there's been less flirting … less touching and kissing… we haven't had sex since…"

"Jay, I was giving you space. That wasn't me wanting you less. On the contrary! How could that insane attraction ever wear off so suddenly?"

"Don't know. Maybe seeing me used by some woman, further damaging me would have turned you off."

"God, you're so stupid."

She really wanted to strangle him! All those things he had been cooking up in his head for a whole week? On the other hand maybe she'd been afraid of something similar, making her all too careful around him.

"Sometimes I really wonder how you passed that detective's exam. Seriously: I'll always want you! **Bad, really bad** indeed! But I've been waiting for you to make the first move. And if you want to just hug and hold hands for a while: That's okay, even if I'm having trouble taking my eyes off of you, especially tonight! Cause honestly: You're like the hottest man in the room!"

Now she was sure he'd listened, a signature cocky smile crept over his face:

"Even hotter than the groom?"

"Of course! Ten times as hot! No offense, your brother scrubs up nicely, but I'm more into brooding green-eyed men apparently." She kissed him again, slower, lazier, loosening his tie so that she could open a few buttons on his shirt and slide her hands over the hot skin on his collarbone and shoulders.

Humming against her prickling lips, Jay's right hand crept under the seam of her back neckline, cupping her butt through it, moaning:

"I still really hate you for making me all useless, because every time I look at you in that dress I'm having inappropriate thoughts!"

"Oh, so it's not really other men's thoughts you were worried about: it's your own you couldn't keep in check…"

"Shhhh…." he silenced her in a way that was totally fine with her.

* * *

After those first toxic and troubling thoughts were out of his head and some doubts had been quieted by a session of heavy making-out, Jay felt like he had sipped on some kind of truth serum. Not wanting to go back to the party just yet they'd gotten comfortable on the lounger in that position that was quickly becoming one of their signature "bubble" poses: Rianne sitting on his lap, foreheads together, eyes closed or eyes just focused on the other. It was their way of shutting out the world: He was carrying her while she was holding him. Somehow he was reminded that he really could tell her everything:

"I miss my mum. It's not like I haven't missed her before, but today? It just hurts. I even miss my dad and that's **really** strange. When I looked at all the people it just hit me: It doesn't feel right, you know? It shouldn't be just Will and me. They should still be with us. My dad should be the one looking grumpy because all of the expensive stuff and fancy food Will is wasting his money on. My mum should be there trying to keep the peace between us all and…" His voice broke again, but Rianne didn't let him keep the rest to himself:

"…And what?"

"She would have told me that she's happy for me, that I deserve to be happy. That she approves of my decisions…Maybe I wouldn't be so jealous because of a stupid ring Will got to give away now because I fucked it up the first time **I** wanted to give it to someone. No offense, I really don't wish for things to be different concerning that..." Jay shook his head, chuckling at himself: "You see? There's irrationality all over the place, I can't seem to get a grip on all these thoughts…"

"First of all: No offense taken; it's okay to feel that way. Sibling rivalry and all!"

He could see the wheels turning in her head, thinking of something to put things into perspective for him, like she'd been doing all night long. Playing with his shirt collar she finally said:

"Maybe fate wanted Will to get that ring. Maybe he needs this more than you do. And you don't automatically get your mother's approval to marry someone because you're using her ring. I'm sure she's confident that she gave you plenty else of her to be able to make your own choices and to remember her by. And I think she's still with you today, everyday, so's your dad!"

Anew Jay gave a little unhappy laugh, finding it hard to believe in something spiritual.

"I still can't help but think we would have turned out better, if she'd been alive longer. Maybe Will and I would be better then…"

"And maybe you wouldn't…"

"Sometimes I get so angry at him and resent him for so many things that happened between us in the past. And I know that's probably the little boy or the teen in me or the young adult that just returned from a war, but at times I still feel this way."

"Have you two ever talked about it? And I mean: Really talked about it, not yelled at each other in the heat of the moment and piled all the guilt and accusations on the other."

"I don't know."

"Maybe you should if this is still an issue. No one knows how much time we have. So why shouldn't we make the most of it and enjoy it as long as we can?" She kissed him again in that way that gave his bruised ego a big boost and sent shivers down his spine.

"And you're wrong you know? About Will and you being the only ones left? I see plenty more people all belonging to your family. I don't necessarily mean by blood. But they're still your family!"

He could live with the thought that she was hopefully considering herself one of those people.

"I've been meaning to tell you that your song was really beautiful!" he whispered between kisses, meaning every single word of it.

"Even if it sent you running for the hills?" She chuckled and bit his ear.

"Even if it sent me running for the hills!"

"You wanna go home now?"

"Think I have to get you some wedding cake first or I will never hear the end of it..."


	47. Hard Habit To Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, because you guys had to wait a whole week for this: here's an extra long chapter. I'm really happy that you still are interested in this story although Upstead happening for real on the show was pretty much trending this week! That little part of Rianne in me was certainly a bit jealous (LOL), no wonder I had to write something steamy for this particular pairing too. 
> 
> Chapter Title "Hard Habit To Break" by The Kills

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"Rianne?"

"Over here!"

Looking more closely and entering the living area Stella saw a pair of worn-out boots hanging over the ledge of the artificially distressed leather couch and smoke rings floating up.

"I brought booze! What the heck are **you** doing?" When she had turned the corner and fully zoned in on the scene she saw that Rianne was hanging upside down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, blowing smoke in the air from a roll-up.

"Are you smoking pot, in the middle of the week?" Stella's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

It didn't smell like weed in here, but the cigarette in Rianne's hands sure looked a little weird. Her girl smirked up at her from her strange position, hair hanging almost down onto the floor:

"No… my skills at rolling cigarettes are just not so excellent anymore…"

"Remind me why you're taking that up again?"

"I'm not, just in a weird mood, doing weird things and reminiscing."

"Right…" Stella sat on the sofa beside Rianne, also tilting her head a little:

"Is reminiscing at that angle any different?"

"Actually yes… you should try!" Rianne winked at Stella, but before she was tempted to indeed follow her lead, Rianne brought herself in an upright position putting out her smoke in an empty coffee mug, motioning for the bottle of bubbly Stella was holding:

"May I?"

They cracked the bottle open. Because Stella had carried it up all the steps to the loft as sort of an extra firefighter work-out and thereby had given it a good shake, the cork popped loudly. Foam spilled over the couch, making the girls automatically scream in excitement. Stella always wondered why bubbly had that sort of effect.

Rianne made a toast: "To getting my apartment back and suddenly not really wanting to live here anymore!"

She sounded a little bitter and took a sip, then handed the bottle over to her friend. Stella solemnly nodded, hoping to inflict a little more enthusiasm with **her** news and added:

"To Kelly asking me to move in with him!" She was barely able to keep a straight face because of the happiness inside her bubbling over like the champagne just had.

Rianne's face lit up too as expected and she immediately engulfed her in a tight and squealing embrace:

"Oh wow, congratulations! And: Thank God - finally!"

Sitting up on her knees, eager to hear the details, excited like a little girl, Rianne urged her to tell all about "that happening". Stella spilled how her search for the perfect birthday present for Kelly had ended in a tiny drama. Kelly, worried because Stella had been acting all secretive while busily organizing a surprise cruise for him to go on, had finally found out about what she was up to. Stella was somehow at fault for that herself, not being able to **not** talk about it with her fellow firefighters. As a result of being so relieved that she wasn't planning on breaking up with him or anything else worry-worthy, Kelly said the best gift would be if she moved in permanently. It sounded a little chaotic, but one fact still rang true in Stella's ears:

"You gotta live with who you love!" As if to empathize that statement she took another drag from the bottle.

"So maybe I should sell my place to Matt now that you guys decided to take the next step…"

"Oh, but I actually like having Casey around. When Kelly's acting weird I have someone to team up with. And apart from having to keep quiet in the bedroom sometimes, I think it's really fine. Besides I think your loft is a little above Matt's pay-grade…"

"I could sell it to him at a friend's rate. Or he could pay me off in time if he wants to."

"Don't you need the money if you wanna get something new?"

"No, not right away! I mean it depends on what I want, where… when….with whom… "

"Right, sometimes I forget that you're actually freaking rich…"

"I'm not rich. Let's just say I still got a comfortable nest egg."

Apart from the fancy area where she lived (or used to live) probably no one would suspect how comfortable a nest egg Rianne really had in her back-pocket. She never paraded that around. It was a shame really that she wanted to give that fantastic place up, but Stella got that she might feel like Nate had tainted the atmosphere of her home. Besides from what Jay would think about it. Stella didn't take him for a guy who wanted to follow in another men's footsteps. Above all a man who had caused him and Rianne a lot of pain. Since Nate had had a very sly lawyer that had been able to plead "mentally unstable" concerning the reckless endangerment charge, he'd been put in a mental institution for the time being. Stella was very much reminded of that episode with her ex-husband. Some things had the tendency to be re-enacted over and over again.  
After a little pause Rianne looked at Stella questioningly:

"You think Jay would move into a new place with me?"

"Why you're asking **me**?"

"Because… we're kinda stuck in that rough patch. I feel like anything new is throwing him for a loop right now and I find it hard to talk to him, although I really want to. Honestly we haven't gotten back to where we left off before. And I get it, I do. It's not that we aren't still all in, but it's kind of … awkward is the wrong word, but I guess we're both holding back, tiptoeing around each other. That natural thing we had, we lost it somewhere throughout this episode. And I desperately want it back! I'm afraid we'll never get that back."

* * *

Since the wedding a good two weeks had passed. That night Rianne had been full of hope because they talked more after they'd gotten home. Actually had talked until they had both fallen asleep, holding each other tight.

But one night of this didn't mean they were out of the woods yet, it was just a beginning. They both had been working a lot since, Jay hanging on to the things he knew to do best. In addition to that there had been several court dates concerning his case, which he had returned from even more closed off, stopping to communicate again.  
Needless to say they hadn't found their rhythm yet and Rianne was getting a little impatient.

Maybe she had been kidding herself when she had thought that she would not feel any different after what had happened or that she would be completely okay with just holding hands and hugging as long as Jay needed to. She was sure she loved him just as much as she had before, but the thing was that he wasn't so good at assuring her he felt the same right now, despite everything he'd said to her the night of the wedding. She missed his true warmth, his eyes really seeing her and him being comfortable with himself and truly believing things would take a turn for the better somewhere along the way.

"I hate that woman. Hate, hate, hate! I wanna smash her face in and then some. That one day in court she just openly laughed in everyone's faces like a lunatic. Acting as if what they did to him wasn't a big deal. Jay took it all stone-faced and outwardly cool, but **I** wanted to scream at her! I am feeling all catty now when I'm with him, imagining her hands on his body. How it must have felt like to him to not be able to do anything about it, still not remembering everything clearly. How they almost killed him? She stole even more of his light. So yeah, I'm doing my best to claim back whatever he lets me claim back, especially physically and at the same time I worry that something I'll do causes some kind of flashback for him and that he might push me further away. I don't know if I can handle that right now."

Rianne knew she kept mothering him a little too much and slowed herself down in an unnatural way. She was watching him a little too carefully and didn't like it at all. This just wasn't her. And somehow Jay was more introvert too. Careful, too gentle, still guarded, snookering themselves.

"I feel like I'm being unfair and egoistic wanting this to go away, wanting him to get better, **us** to get better! Jay's still like the strongest person I know. He's been through so much. Sometimes I think he should be so much worse, he could be completely messed up."

Having told Stella all that Rianne felt a little lighter. At this point she knew she'd go stir crazy if she didn't confide in someone. Stella would keep it to herself. Best case scenario her friend would kick her ass to do something about it and stop dwelling on her toxic thoughts and relationship-limbo.

"Maybe you both need to loosen up a litte. Have a few drinks and a fun night out! Have a drunken one-night-stand with each other to fix your sexual mojo! Why don't you ask him to tag along to the concert on Friday?"

One of their favorite bands was in town this weekend and they'd had tickets for months.

"He won't drink. As far as I know not a single drop since that night, because I think it enhances his fear of losing control. And maybe going to a club or a place with so many people is not the best idea, he won't like it." Rianne's professional mind had it all figured out, sometimes she knew she was blurring the lines there a little by letting her personal emotions remain on the sidelines.

"Right, so that's **his** decision then. But you can't keep guessing why he's doing what he does or just assume that he will keep on doing it and then act accordingly. If you wanna get out and drink and have fun, so do it! If you want him to come with you, spend some quality time with him: Ask him! If you wanna have time to yourself: Tell him! He's a grown-ass man that is very well able to decide for himself. Don't go down the same path you went down with Andrea by putting yourself second, acting like a mother hen without really talking to each other first. It's part of taking him seriously! Jay's not your client, you don't have to anticipate his every need and solve his problems for him, especially if he doesn't want you to. So stop fussing about what he can and can't handle and ask him!"

Some words hit home with Rianne pretty hard, smarting a little. But mostly she felt blessed with a straight forward friend like that.

"You once told me from one of your smart books 'just keeping the peace by agreeing to things you might not really want is actually a trauma response and when someone does it he or she is disrespecting their boundaries.' So: stop making yourself uncomfortable because you think it's making him **more comfortable.** You hanging out here in this empty space, smoking roll-ups and looking … I dare say: a little deflated… tells me you're making yourself uncomfortable by avoiding a confrontation with your needs. And if you need to jump his bones do it and know that he's an adult who can tell you to stop if he doesn't want you to. Which I find very hard to believe, but still: Maybe this'll hurt, but at least you'll know where you're at!"

"You sure you wanna stay a firefighter? I think you'd make an excellent life-coach too!" Sometimes Rianne really believed Stella was wise beyond her years.

"I would just like for us to keep being each other's voice of reason seen as we're equally blessed with two hot and extraordinary, but also very complicated males in our lives!"

* * *

At times like these Jay lacked a close confidante, a male friend, someone like Mouse. He wasn't the type that would go knocking on someone's door and ask for an opportunity to talk it out, to get something off his chest. Jay needed to ease into these talks. But he imagined with a few casual beers he could have gotten there. It wasn't so much the talking part that he thought would ease his mind. Just someone who would sit with him drinking these beers in silence, someone that got him and that was able to give him the silent affirmation that everything would eventually be okay, who knew he had been through worse and had still pushed through. Someone that would then bluntly tell him to get his shit together and salvage what was important to him instead of possibly watching it go down the drain, while he went down another rabbit hole.

With his brother on his honeymoon there was really no one Jay wanted to talk to. Probably he wouldn't have gone to Will for relationship and psychological advise anyway, but it would have at least been an option. So early Friday evening he ultimately found himself outside of Dr. Rebecca Sloan's office.

He hadn't told Rianne or anyone else about his appointment because until the very last minute he wasn't exactly sure if he would go through with it. And if he copped out the last minute he only wanted to disappoint himself.

Jay had been toying with the idea of going back there for a while. In the beginning foremost about his lingering guilt from the Marcus West case and the after-effects of the shooting. When he had found himself struggling with his current perception of himself and his mind constantly trying to catch up with what had transpired in his life over the last four months, this step had felt more pressing than ever. The last selling point had been watching Rianne slowly loosing some of her glow over the last weeks, at least he imagined she was. She'd come home late every time he was there to notice, she was beginning to look too thin and tired. Once or twice he'd thought he'd smelled cigarette fumes on her. If she was back to some questionable coping mechanisms it was a sure sign that something had to change. She couldn't keep on holding on for both of them. He needed to do the work too. And when a simple date and an invitation from her to go to a concert together was stressing him out as much as it had, because he feared he'd be triggered by something there, when their sex-life was certainly compromised, because he was lacking his usual confidence, he knew he was at a cross-roads.

Jay didn't want to develop some kind of anxiety disorder, the "fear of fear" by trying to escape every situation that could possibly lead to him experiencing PTSD-syndromes.  
Funny thing was that the last time he'd been to this exact doctor's office it partly had been because of a relationship he'd chosen to enter had ended badly. The way relationships with drug dealers only could go. Another relationship ending without proper closure had propelled him into some dark place beforehand. Maybe he was also suffering from some kind of detachment-disorder.

Although this was a different situation he didn't want to make the same mistakes twice and was adamant to try and get his head on straight and find someone to rely on other than his girlfriend. She really shouldn't be his therapist. He was hoping this would work, as he was running out of ideas what else he could do.

When he took his place on the counselor's couch, everything looking very similar to how he remembered it, and thanking Dr. Sloan for seeing him on such short notice, Jay found himself slowly easing into the situation. It actually felt good to not have to start from the beginning, only needing to bring Sloan up to speed a bit. And he managed to do so calmly without becoming some closemouthed wreck.

All the issues that had popped up during the shooting and the drug-induced assault, both times him barely making it out alive, additionally to all the old family themes that the wedding had brought to light, were surely enough to fill several sessions. Jay wasn't expecting to get all better, to solve all this tonight, but he wanted to make the first step, sort his thoughts:

"I'm good at my job, I've got things under control. I'm starting to sleep better. It's the relationship part in my life that I fear is a bit rocky…"

He didn't want to feel like he was a constant disappointment to Rianne. He really wanted to be better for her, he wanted to be strong for her too.

"She keeps saying that it's fine, that she's there for me, that she will not go anywhere and I should take all the time I need. But I can see that it's affecting her too. It's hard for her when we can't connect like we used to. She hasn't had an easy past too."

Of course Dr. Sloan asked him to shortly elaborate, tell her some of their short history together, before he continued with what else was bothering him:

"Last week she got the keys to her apartment back and I have been too gutless to broach the subject as to what she wants to do with it. Because I can't bear the thought that she wants to move back in there, live in two different places like we would maybe have been doing all along had it not been for that episode with her roommate. I couldn't even blame her if she wanted to do that, I guess I'm hell to live with right now. I suspect she's been spending some time there already the last days… Usually we haven't had problems talking to each other. One of us always kept pushing, but now it feels like there's this barrier between us. I don't know exactly when that happened, but I don't like it!"

Jay had been thinking a lot about his brother's comment on him having abandonment issues. Maybe some evil, messed up streak of him wanted to test Rianne's boundaries. Wanted to test if she really meant she would stay no matter what, no matter how bad it got.  
The counselor closed her notes and thought about her words for a while before she addressed him, eyes perceptive and earnest:

"Jay I'm really glad you decided to seek help again. Even more so because you came without being forced into it this time. With all that you describe I think there's a lot of work to do. Some of your mechanisms we've talked about before, maybe there is still some adjusting to do, things that need to stay in the past for good. For right now I would advise you to forgive yourself for **not** being at peace, **not** being okay at the moment. Accept the state you are currently in. Anything else will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Most likely it will only trigger your well-trained patterns. All the unhealthy things you told me that are typical for you: Shutting people out, trying to switch off your feelings, denying yourself the comfort you deserve, insomnia, getting lost in your work, wearing yourself out physically and playing mind-games on yourself. There's possibility for change and healing if you realize that you have a choice to do it differently. That even if you think all you've ever known is pain, dysfunction and chaos you deserve love, care and stability."

"I would like to think that I have been working on all of these things in the past months, but still I'm like always scared that in the end we won't survive this."

"It's good to be scared, it means you still got something to loose, Jay! Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That's why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people. But for your sake I would hope you don't let that stop you two from trying and don't hold on too tight. What is meant for you will stay with you anyway!"

* * *

"Come back if you feel like you wanna open some of these old wounds you were talking about earlier. If you have the strength and the will to make peace with the memories and the pain they entail, that keep holding you in the past. I would gladly help you. Meanwhile I strongly advise you to remind yourself what makes your heart beat faster, what makes you happy. Keep doing those things you love. Don't let anyone stop you, not even yourself!"

Dr. Sloan's parting words echoed in Jay's head when he left the doctor's office, breathing in the fresh air of winter. The cold draught in his lungs felt mentally refreshing to him, so he kept going and going until he had reached the Chicago River and leaned against the railings of Clark Street Bridge. Momentarily closing his eyes he opened them a minute later to check the time on his watch: He was cutting it really short.

* * *

Meanwhile Kelly, Stella and Rianne had stopped waiting around for Jay to appear in front of the Riviera Theatre in time. Rianne tried to keep a happy face. After all he had said that he couldn't make any promises, she knew how it was with him, with that job. But she so wanted him to want to make it. And right now she wasn't so sure about that.

She sent him a text that they would go in, that she'd text him where they'd find a good place to watch "The Kills" perform so he could catch up to them later. But he never responded. Rianne knew rock concerts or concerts in general weren't his favorite thing, he would rather find himself watching a live sports event, but she had really hoped that he would know how much this meant to her.

Throughout the gig of the supporting act everything Rianne saw were seemingly happy couples and it didn't help that their double date had sort of turned into a third-wheel-situation for her. Seeing Kelly and Stella flirt their asses off and cuddle next to her was reminding her that she wanted exactly that too. Trying to keep her head up Rianne talked herself into some kind of restive mood. She would be damned if she let Jay ruin this for her by not turning up. She would have fun anyway, with the help of a few drinks maybe, but she would surely dance her ass off and sing to the songs as loudly as she possibly could. She so desperately needed this.  
Rianne kept looking straight ahead, resolute not to turn around in search for Jay every two minutes like she'd done for the first half hour.

So when suddenly a frosty object was pressed against her naked upper arm from behind, she jumped slightly and turned around wide-eyed. It was no mirage, it was indeed Jay, offering a cold beer to her.  
Rianne had wanted to be angry at him, for making her wait, for making her fear that he wouldn't so much as send her a text. But when he stood there like phoenix from the ashes, pushing that beer bottle into her hand and clinking it with his own, wearing a hint of an almost flirtatious smile, eyes focused on her and a little lighter than they'd looked in weeks, she just wanted to kiss him. Her heart immediately felt so much warmer.

The room went dark at that moment, lights adjusted on the stage and the crowd began to cheer: The main act was about to enter from stage left. Rianne still looked at Jay in front of her after having taken a deep pull from the bottle, then leaned up to him on her toes and pressed a hard kiss to his lips, interlocking her arms behind his neck:

"I thought you weren't coming!" She had to speak up so that he could hear her above the sounds of the opening chords of "Doing it to death".

"Don't you check your phone anymore?" Jay answered, that smile getting a little wider and cockier when she looked at him in bafflement and pulled the device out of her jeans pocket.

Rianne had banned herself from checking it every five minutes after she had given up hope on him joining them.  
While she scrolled through her messages Jay turned her in his arms, so that she was facing the stage and kept his hands interlocked around her midsts, resting his chin against the side of her head.

**_"Sorry for the delay babe, I'll explain later! Standing in line to get us some beers to start off the weekend! XX"_ **

It made her smile, because it sounded certainly upbeat and so normal. It had been a while since she'd gotten a text like that from him. After she'd pocketed her phone, Rianne entwined her fingers with his right hand, bringing it up to her lips and pressing a long gentle kiss to his knuckles.

Jay's fingertips wandered above the waistline of her jeans, flitting over her naked skin in a tenderness with such worshipping intent that Rianne held her breath and began to shiver slightly. She didn't know if it was the music and the atmosphere, the relief that he'd come after all, but it somehow felt like she was falling for him all over again. Like this was the first time he touched her so intimately, bewitching her with his slow, sensual hands. She was overly aware of his touch. It was rather hard to concentrate on anything going on around her, other than his overwhelming presence. Through some songs they stayed like that, like any other couple, maybe a little too close for the taste of some, but not nearly close enough for their liking. Rianne loved how he felt so steady behind her, moving with her rhythm to the songs, not complaining that she just had to shout out some of the songs along with the band. It truly felt like he was there with her, there for her, she'd almost forgotten how incredible that felt.

While some instrument change and stage arrangement interlude Rianne turned to Jay and asked for the reason of his delay. She had expected him to simply answer her with "got caught up at work" but instead he said:

"I had a therapy session scheduled…. and I actually went… Needed some time to clear my head after that!"

Realizing what he'd just said her gut instantly reacted, she felt her pulse quickening deep inside her upper belly, her hand flying to her mouth:

"Oh wow. How was it?"

"Okay… I mean it's a first step, right?"

A first step that brought tears to her eyes that she tried to hide by burying her face against his sternum. He caught on to her being deeply moved by his disclosure, hugging her tightly until she turned in his embrace again, trying to gain control, by watching the band once more.  
While they started to play "That Love" she still couldn't fight the tears streaming down her face. That melody, those lyrics, that voice and Jay's hot breath, his hard upper body in her back, the fact that he'd just given her a little piece of something she had been wishing for: Her heart felt so full, like it was close to bursting. Exploding from all the heat, that love, that emotional overflow she was experiencing.

Letting her head fall back against Jay's shoulder she looked up at him thinking she could stay right where she was and just keep looking at his profile. His strong jaw, his soft stubble, enlightened and a little bronze in the stage-lights, those long lashes, the curve of his lips. Of course Jay caught her staring, took in her tears with empathic eyes, wiping them away with his thumb before he took her face into his hands and kissed her in that most delicious way that should have been forbidden because it made her so lightheaded.

A buzz of newness filled Rianne's veins, this was something they had never done. Making out at a concert, sharing a very intimate moment in a crowd full of people. The prospect that there were still so many "firsts" she could experience with him creating a new sparkle inside her.

* * *

Jay watched her dance, her tight jeans clinging to her smooth curves and hugging them in all the right places, her hair pulled into some makeshift do, loose, somewhat sweaty strands clinging to her neck. Laughing along with Stella she was dancing her heart out, fooling around. Her skin glistened in the disco lights, a sexy and little drunken "come hither" smile on her lips, when she looked his way.

He sighed deeply. That one special look of her so intriguing he couldn't think straight. It made him feel like they were the only two people in the room. The music switched to "Baby says", certainly a tribute to all the "The Kills" fans still hanging around after the concert, whooping loudly when they recognized the song.

Jay really wasn't that much into dancing himself, but just for Rianne's sake he followed her pleading eyes and fingers pointing at him, calling him to her. Shrugging at Kelly helplessly, like there was just no other option than surrendering, who then kept his position at the bar mimicking Jay's gesture. At the same time Severide was laughing and nodding encouragingly, welcoming Stella back in his arms, who was taking a breather from jumping around with her friend.

Rianne reached out her hands and pulled him into her in one swift motion, her upper body flat against his, her hands gliding down his torso before they disappeared into his back jeans-pockets and squeezed his butt through the fabric. Jay raised one eyebrow at her bold move, making her roll her eyes innocently, then grind her hips against his. Picking up on her rhythm and that of the music he put one arm around her waist, the other one in her neck and started moving her around. All the while keeping their lower bodies connected in an almost indecent way. Somehow it came to him so naturally all of a sudden.  
Having wrapped her arms around his neck, upper body still swaying while her forehead rested against his, Rianne kept looking deep into his eyes, singing along to the song in a low voice, mostly just mouthing the words. The sensuality of it took Jay's breath away, he started kissing her again.

"Didn't know you had moves like that detective!"

"I only specialize in dirty moves…" While having said that he pushed his hands in her back pockets just like she had done earlier, pressing her so tight against him that she had to feel the massive erection through his jeans.

Her eyes slowly rolled back into her head in response, he was sure he heard her silently cursing.

"Jay?" Rianne breathed into his mouth, him capturing that sound with his lips, feeling very much out of breath too.

She would wreck him one day.

"Yeah…"

"I think we need to get outta here!"

* * *

Rianne woke up the next morning with a screaming headache. Opening her eyes was extremely painful against the cold and cruel sunlight that flooded in through the windows. Groaning she pressed her palms against her eyeballs and turned towards the door, where she gave greeting the day another shot. Everything was spinning, she noticed that she was not lying in a bed, but on a mattress on the floor. What the hell?  
Then she saw Jay standing in the doorframe, two glasses of water in hand along with some ibuprofen.

"Why are we on the floor?" She croaked out.

He chuckled and crawled onto the make-shift bed beside her.

"Don't you remember us breaking the bed last night?"

"Oh shit…" Rianne glanced around and now saw the bedframe in the corner, some wooden poles still strewn across the room.

Her memory was hazy, but she had a flash of her and Jay entering the apartment pretty high on love, then taking a night cap together, which she suspected had at least been one too many for her. Some crazy half-delirious sex had definitely taken place, but she had no recollection of the destruction part.

"Your were so drunk that you fell asleep after you had a good laugh about it while I was cursing away. I had to roll you around to rearrange everything so that we could sleep on the mattress. Almost thought you dropped dead."

"I wasn't the only one a little drunk…"

"No… but definitely the drunker and more chatty one…probably the more adorable one…" Jay kissed her nose and dropped the painkillers onto her waiting tongue, placing the water in her hand too.

"Why? What did I do?" Rianne gulped them down.

"You kind of suggested we move in together. Said you were crazy about me, how much you wanted me and especially me inside you right now and give it to you good…" Jay was shaking with laughter, mimicking her urgent voice.

Rianne covered his mouth with her hands, completely embarrassed with herself. The worst thing was that she could very well imagine that he wasn't making this up and that she had said all those things. Goddamn it, but she'd been so drunk and horny and just completely overwhelmed by her love for him last night. Or so she at least imagined. Thank you Stella for suggesting a drunken one-night-stand situation…

"Shut up! So…what did you say?"

"You really don't remember anything, do you?"

"I'm afraid not really..." Rianne already felt sorry that she seemed to have just blabbered out what had been on her mind throughout last week.

"I told you that we'll talk about it once you've sobered up and then took care of your needs, which kind of led to a broken bedframe."

"You're an ass Jay Halstead, as if you had to be told twice!" Her head was protesting against any arguments.

Jay was still laughing at her scrambling for her countenance, while he looked envy arousing fresh.

"I definitely feel all sobered up. So what' you say?"

"I'd say we **already** moved in together."

Rianne sighed: "I suppose I meant: Would you consider looking for a new place to live together with me?"

"What's wrong with **this** place?"

Rianne had the suspicion that he was giving her a hard time on purpose, so she sighed:

"Nothing, besides its size and that I have decided to not wanna move back into my old place. So I would wanna have something that is a fresh start for the both of us with a little more closet-space and more light. Some place we would have chosen together, that doesn't make either one of us feel like we have to just fit our life into the already existing one of the other. Just… you know: Start from scratch? And as we've spent these last couple of weeks together mostly in this apartment without **any** space and still haven't killed each other I thought maybe…" She couldn't finish her sentence, Jay was already on top of her.

Her stomach was protesting because of the weight he put on her, but he was so adorably excited, grinning from ear to ear, that she tried to ignore it.

"I'd say: Hell yes! I would love that!" He kissed her deeply and hummed contently doing so.

Rianne pushed him off as her insides were giving her no other choice:

"O-Kay…glad we settled that then. Can you get off of me now? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll ruin this very romantic and important moment by throwing up all over you…"

Jay immediately did let her go and fell back into the pillows, watching her get up and to the bathroom as fast as she could.

"I love you, you know?" he called, the sound of his deep laughter following her before she was very thoroughly sick.

* * *

Jay followed her a few minutes after he'd heard her stop vomiting and turn on the shower. Looking at her sitting crouched down on the floor under a steam of hot water raining down on her brushing her teeth, he couldn't help but find her adorable. Quickly stripping out of his pants he got in too.  
Still a little moody and cranky due to her hangover she leaned her head against his knees and looked up at him all pitifully:

"I think I wanna die!"

"Oh no, we can't have that!" Jay extended his hand to pull her up from the floor, Rianne spit out the rest of her toothpaste, putting her toothbrush away before she let him help her. She fell against him heavily once she was standing.

"Why didn't you stop me from switching to the heavier stuff last night?"

"Because it seemed you were having fun and I was under the impression you could hold your liquor…"

Her disheveled state was strangely turning him on. Maybe it was the whole vulnerability of her in that moment or the fact that she'd just taken away his worst fears of last week by making those new plans to look for a new place with him. Taking his chances he nibbled at her earlobes, loving how she immediately let her head fall to the side to expose her neck to him and make him caress her skin with his lips there too.

"Maybe I can help make you feel better?" Turning her around he began massaging her neck and shoulders, knowing that whenever she had a headache this would bring her some comfort.

He felt her relax under the pressure of his hands, letting her head fall onto his shoulders, sighing. The sweet sound making his heart-rate pick up and the way she rubbed her butt cheeks against him stirring up growing desire in his groin.  
His hands fell from her shoulders and wandered down her back, applying pressure with his thumbs to her vertebrae, until he reached the area where their bodies were connecting. Putting his arms around her pressing her closer Jay heard her take a sharp breath when his thumb and forefinger were suddenly circling the areola of her left breast:

"You think this could maybe distract you from feeling sick?"

Rianne closed her eyes, pulled his face closer to hers and kissed him very slowly, very deeply. Jay took that as a 'yes'.

"Did we ever finish what we started last night after the bed collapsed?"

"No…," he chuckled, thinking about their urgency colliding with their clumsiness.

"We were far from finished. But then you fell asleep, so I didn't feel like having sex with a corpse…" He actually had had difficulty finding sleep as aroused as he had been.

Rianne wiggled her body around in his arms, letting her hands take a journey from behind his ears, down his neck, her thumbs brushing quickly over his bullet wounds, then down to his nipples:

"Did I ever tell you that I love your chest?"

"So not a secret sucker for chest hair?" he cracked a smile, watching her intently circling her nails over his pecs, drawing random patterns around his assortment of freckles and birthmarks.

"No… I actually just like it exactly that way."

He began kissing around her ear and along her neckline again, while mumbling:

"So maybe we should like look for a new place soon, as our bedroom is sort of ruined…"

His hands moved down her body again until they had reached their temporary aim and slipped between her legs.

"Hm… oh God, you're killing me Jay…"

He gained confidence. He exactly knew how to elicit these sounds out of her by now and he was not getting tired of hearing them. Jay realized how much he had actually missed hearing them. Turning off the water because it was turning cold (he still had to call the landlord about that too), he picked her up and walked them back into the bedroom.

"We will have to talk about that patchouli inscence though…"

"What about it?" Rianne had her eyes closed.

Only half listening to him she was letting herself fall back into the pillows, pulling him on top of her, caressing his erection confidently.  
Jay stilled her hand and made big eyes at her as usual when he thought she was a bit nuts:

"I'm just saying that I don't want my future bedroom to smell like some guru's den." He'd noticed some weird smell inside here a few days ago.

"Oh my poor Jay… Sometimes you're so damn uptight and conventional it's adoring!" Rianne tried to wrestle her hand from his grip and hooked her leg over his waist so that she was straddling his upper thigh now, a little needy.

"Are you making fun of me now? I was just voicing my objections…" He stilled her movements, holding her hips in place.

Jay knew it was driving her crazy, he saw the impatient look in her eyes:

"Alright, duly noted: Less patchouli, that can be arranged, but haven't you noticed that your sleeping issues have improved a lot?" She was struggling against his hold on her, searching for the delicious friction between them.

"What's that got to do with anything? I've been working on that, we talked some, it's been a while…"

"Maybe, but what if I told you that patchouli is actually known to help with anxiety and sleeping disorders and reduces stress, so maybe putting up with the scent is not that bad actually?"

* * *

And also it was prone to have a compensatory effect on the female endocrinal system and was an aphrodisiac, but she didn't tell him that. Instead she used Jay's momentary distraction due to her educational answer to push him back onto the mattress, straddling him. He was neither resisting nor holding her back. Rolling around entangled, slowly ravishing each others bodies, starting to mend the cracks between them Rianne's mind felt perfectly blank for once. She hoped Jay felt the same when she felt him move inside her and got lost in every tiny electric shock or prickling sensation that his body in unison with hers elicited.

Suddenly Rianne's phone on the floor chimed loudly. The first two times they ignored it, totally preoccupied, the third time it got a little annoying and Rianne fumbled to find the 'decline' button, while still kissing and caressing Jay, them both nearing the finish line.  
A very terse and sharp voice interrupted them:

"Rianne? Wat is er aan de hand?"

Rianne looked into his eyes shocked, stilling their movements. Then realization hit. She hadn't pressed the 'decline' button, she'd accepted the call and when she grabbed the phone Jay could see that on top of it all it was a video-call, them both watching the non-plussed face of a middle-aged woman with red hair.

* * *

Jay wished the ground would open and swallow him up when he heard Rianne say:

"Shit! Mom?" Her hand stilled his on her sex and she held the phone at another angle so that the caller could only see her face and not their tangled-up bodies in profile.

The words coming out of the speaker sounded foreign to Jay. He hid his face in his hands, not knowing if he should laugh at this or be completely mortified.

"Heb jij net seks?"

"Mam, mag ik je later bellen?" Rianne didn't make any attempt at moving away from him.

Her urgent tone making it sound more like she wanted to end the call as fast as she could and continue.

"Je kunt me beter ontmoeten schatje!"

"Grappig Ma!" Rianne rolled her eyes, obviously not happy and getting more and more irritated with her mom.

"Waar ben jij?"

"Thuis? Waarom?"

"Nej, je bent helemaal niet thuis, omdat ik daar ben."

"Je bent in Chicago?"

"Ja, en ik hoop dat je een goed verklaring voor alles hebt…"

While exchanging a few more words, Jay carefully extracted himself from under her, even if Rianne pouted at him. He didn't know how long this call would go and he had started to feel really uncomfortable, although she was kind of relaxed about it. At least about the sex part. All the other information Jay hadn't really been able to understand.  
Emerging from the bathroom a little later he found Rianne sprawled out on the bed, gloriously naked still, but covering her face with one hand and hitting the mattress with the other frustratedly.

"What was that all about? I'm kinda freaking out here?" Jay said in a stage whisper.

"Why?"

"Because you were talking to your mother on video-call while my penis was still inside of you?"

"So? She couldn't see that… I actually have seen more of **her** sex-life than she just saw…"

"I'm not sure I wanna know what that's supposed to mean…" Rianne's family history and their special relationship was still an unsolved mystery at times.

"Maybe a story for another time...you should meet her first."

"What did she want?"

"Turns out: She's in Chicago, on a conference for her stupid law firm. And thought she'd surprise me. Thing is: I haven't really talked to her much lately, so she doesn't know that I moved out of the loft. So right now she is standing in an empty house, waiting for me to explain that."

"But she **does** know about us?"

"Yes, she knows about us! I tend to tell her the good parts of my life."

"Well, there goes that weekend in bed then…"

"Nice try blaming this on me. I just saw your phone go off. You've got several missed calls from Hailey, so don't tell me that's not about work."

"Guess so… Okay, rain-check?" Jay began looking for his underwear.

Several calls from his partner could only mean that he'd have to cancel his free weekend.

"You bet! I'm sure I'll need all the consolation I can get after I've met my mother." Rianne made a whiny face, also getting up in search for some clothes, lightly swatting his behind in passing.

"Oh right, consolation sex… I'm not sure how I feel about that… How long is she in town for?"

"I don't know…but don't panic: She is staying in a hotel. She's not going to want to stay with us. I'll bet you 50 bucks though, that she somehow got to know that we're visiting my father soon and she managed to come up with a good reason so that she gets to meet you first!"

"Can't blame her for wanting to see all this…" Jay motioned to his still semi-naked frame… "with her own eyes!"

Rianne snorted with laughter: "As much as I would enjoy watching that: I really hope you'll get dressed the first time!"


	48. Thrown Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to meet Rianne's mum, figures that this is more of a family and backstory centered chapter I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Chapter Title "Thrown Down" by Fleetwood Mac

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"Did your father know?"

That was the first question she was confronted with when Rianne walked into the lobby of the 'Peninsula' hotel near Magnificent Mile, where her mother was already waiting for her. It elicited the first eye roll and sigh out of many more to come out of her before they had even had a chance to say a proper hello. How could she have thought this was going to go differently?  
Rianne wondered how there could still be such an intense competition between her parents concerning who she kept most in touch with, where she spent more time at and which one got more intel on her. It was like she was a little child in a custody war and not a woman, whose parents had split up when she had already been a grown-up.

As Rianne had been in closer contact with her father lately he indeed knew. At least that she had temporarily moved in with Jay and that there had been an 'issue' with Nate. In general she tended to tell her father more. He just took things as simple pieces of information and didn't press her further about them, trusting her to make her own decisions. Or he had long given up on having any influence on her unlike her mother, who never got tired of trying to have one.

Rianne was really glad now that Jay had gotten called in for work. So she could ease into this and he didn't have to watch that train-wreck dynamic from the very beginning.  
Not five minutes in Rianne was already craving for something to take the edge off. Her mother was able to drain her of all her power and energy in so little time. Making her feel like she either constantly had to hold her ground and watch out for the other woman's jabs at her or try to prove herself. And as she hadn't ever really openly gotten her mother's approval, she had sort of given up on that part, often doing the exact opposite of what she thought her mother wanted, just to spite her. It wasn't at all mature.  
Looking perfectly put together as always, not a hair of her neatly plucked eyebrows out of line the classy woman standing in front of her impersonated everything Rianne had been rebelling against all her teenage and adult life.

"I just decided on not moving back in last week," she tried to soften the blow by not answering directly and going in for their usual cheek-kissing-routine.

She expected a lecture on how stupid and financially unwise that was to follow later on.  
Elise op den Winkel, who had taken her maiden-name back after the divorce six years ago, was a woman who didn't take shit from anyone, least of all her daughter, on the rare occasions that she remembered she had one. The concept of "butting out" was foreign to her, whenever she found time to meddle. Not that Rianne would have listened, but still. They had never managed to establish a close mother-daughter-relationship and the one they did have, had been put to the test several times.

Her parents had met when her mother had been very young, only 20, her father, Alvarez Bautista Torres Delgado, already in his thirties. Rianne had been born not long after that, her mother turning 22 four months after her birth. There were parts of their romantic history that her parents had always kept quiet about, leaving Rianne to wonder if there was more than met the eye to those beginnings of a whirlwind romance between a much older Argentinian diplomat and a Dutch student. Instead of living the life of a well situated housewife on a diplomat's salary, enjoying all the different countries she got to visit through her husband, Elise had been adamant that this wasn't for her and had somehow managed to get what **she** wanted instead. A thing Rianne could have found herself admiring her mother for had she not been the one to suffer due to that choice. Elise had followed her dream of being a lawyer, continued her studies right after having her first and only child, building her own career over the years and being very successful doing so. Hence why Rianne had grown up being raised by her paternal grandmother instead of by her own mother. Rianne had always felt like she was in her mother's way of being totally free to do whatever she liked.

"So, I see: new man, but not a new style… Sometimes I wonder why and how that Amsterdam flair has rubbed off on you since birth…" Rianne didn't listen to the side blow when he mother held her at arm's length and eyed her up from head to toe.

She thought she had made quite an effort to look put together even though she still felt under the weather due to her drinking and also somehow distracted because of oh so many things on her mind. Mainly the thing that Jay and her had been trying to finish since last night. Thinking back to their finally more intimate moments she actually physically missed him.  
Would she have had more time to prepare for this visit she'd have certainly created a more shocking outfit than the modest flower-skirt, tight brown long-sleeve and combat-boots combination she was wearing, as it was a sure bet to at least get an eyebrow raise out of her mother every time.

"So where is he?" Elise interrupted her thoughts and pulled a chair out for her at the hotel-café.

The prospect of getting a strong caffein fix in a matter of minutes was brightening Rianne's thoughts.

"Working…"

"Right, for how long? I was hoping to get an introduction, maybe dinner tonight? Seen as your father gets to spend Christmas with the two of you, I thought I would at least get Sinterklaas…"

How on earth her mother had gathered that information was beyond Rianne. She was under the impression that her parents didn't talk to each other, but obviously she was wrong.

Saint-Nick's-Day / "Sinterklaas" was originally more important than Christmas in Dutch tradition. On the evening of December 5th presents arrived from Saint-Nick, just like in other countries on Christmas eve. The kids would have to wait until the next morning to open them, as this holiday was mostly seen as a tradition almost exclusively for children. Rianne wondered why her mother was keen on spending any holiday with her all of a sudden.

"I honestly don't know. He works with a special police unit and has kind of unpredictable hours. I told you that. If I had known you were coming, maybe we could have worked something out." But as usual everything had to go on her mum's schedule.

Her comment was ignored. Elise ordered two espressos, not bothering to ask Rianne if she wanted anything else.

"He sure is 'lekker'. Seems like your taste in men is slowly evolving… How much money does he make with that job?"

"Really?" Talking about judging a book by its cover!

Rianne regretted even more that she had agreed to this, but again her mother didn't engage and urged her to tell her all about her current living situation over coffee.  
This led to getting called out on not telling her sooner, especially as she could have given her legal advise. The inner eye-rolling on Rianne's end never stopped. She was glad she was still intoxicated from last night. The tirade her mother released on her was definitely less disturbing when distracted by continuing on-off queasiness. Only one comment got her almost flying off the handle:

"Maybe it's for the best that this is over. Now that you've cut all ties with that crazy hippy bunch of people you might get your head on straight. I take it you're keeping your distance from your ex-in-laws? Can't imagine your boyfriend thinks it's normal to keep in touch after all these years. Sometimes I still think none of this would have happened if you hadn't insisted on staying in Chicago all by yourself."

Rianne tried to not react and breathe it away, more so her mother had the tendency to make her unnaturally speechless. This wasn't the first time she had to listen to this. It hurt nonetheless, but it wasn't new. Her mother made that conviction of hers known every other time they talked. The thing that bothered her most was that she felt she could kick and scream and argue all she wanted she couldn't win this fight.  
Not only had Elise made her disapproval known through words, but also actions. These had consisted of an intentionally missed wedding and also a missed memorial. Her father had come to at least bury Andrea and her child, her mum hadn't bothered to board a plane. Allegedly due to not being able to get time off work. Not that Rianne had explicitly asked her to come, knowing very well that her mum wouldn't have been able to provide what she needed. But it would have been nice to see her trying. Rianne's impression was that Elise hadn't wanted to deal with a weakling like her. A heartbroken and devastated mess in mourning over a husband never approved of and a pregnancy that would certainly have been a career-killer way too early for her mum's taste, binding her to a life that she thought was below her daughter.

"You don't know this yet, but you're better off this way!"

The sentence that had been uttered over the phone only months after the tragedy still rang in Rianne's ears. A sentence that had led to a lengthy silence between them for several months. They had only started talking to each other again a year ago.  
So her mum coming out to Chicago as soon as she heard that Rianne was in a new relationship felt suspicious, even offending. Like she had to check if she got it right to her standards this time or to intervene early on.

"If Jay's able to join us later could you maybe not be so… you? Keep things about what you saw this morning to yourself? He's a little more private than you and I. I don't want things to be embarrassing for him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" The older woman seemed to be offended at that suggestion.

Now Rianne had finally gotten her attention: "I mean: Don't go drilling him with too personal questions, don't talk about seeing him half naked before even meeting him!"

"Are you getting all prim and well-behaved on me all of a sudden? Does he have something to hide?" Another energy-depriving moment, she just didn't get it.

"No, we've just had a couple of rough weeks and I… I want this to be easygoing."

"Is it serious between you two?" Her mother pointed a well-manicured grey fingernail at her making Rianne feel like she had done something forbidden.

"What's that got to do with anything? Of course it is serious! Very serious." If only she knew what they had been through in their short time together.

"So, then he won't mind me asking questions…" Just like that it was as always in vain to try to tell her mother how to behave.

Rianne had had many, many bad experiences with that, but still she tried every time.  
She had half a mind of going back home, call Jay saying that he didn't need to bother to get off work, that he was better off where he was. But this would have probably come across like she didn't want him to meet her family. And she'd be damned if she put a dent in their re-established confidence due to this morning's plans by denying him the introduction to parts of her roots.

* * *

_"Please forgive me in advance for anything my mum will say or how I'm going to behave around my mum. 'Daughter' is not my strong suit!"_

Rianne's text he'd received after telling her that he'd actually could meet them soon, left Jay to wonder what he would be facing exactly. Following the directions she had given him he found himself headed to 'Riva Crabhouse' on Navy Pier.  
Obviously her mum was a fan. Jay didn't exactly mind, it was just awfully touristy and a little expensive for his taste. But he wasn't opposed to the seafood and steaks they served. Also it had a spectacular view over the waterfront. He was actually glad that he'd had a less casual attire consisting of black jeans and a maroon colored shirt and his black coat to change in at the station. The 'covered-in-mud' look after some wild chase this afternoon was certainly not one he wanted to sport when meeting his girlfriend's mother for the first time.

The former Mrs. Torres Delgado senior, or Elise as she insisted he called her, was not at all what Jay would have imagined her to be.  
First of all: She was way younger than he had assumed. Second: She was less uptight than he'd imagined from what Rianne had told him, if she had told him anything. Her mother was not a topic she liked to share much about.

When he spotted the table that Rianne and her were occupying his first thought was that it didn't look like a typical mother-daughter combination, more the assembly of two very different sisters with a large age gab. A sister that had probably seen him half naked on a video call. Jay tried very hard not to think about that as he saw their eyes trained on him when he made his presence known from a little distance.  
He was blown away by how similar these eyes were. But apart from being hit with the same clear blue expressive orbs that he'd become so accustomed to over the last few months, there was otherwise very little obvious similarity.

"Hoi, how wonderful!" The older one rose from her seat.

Whereas Rianne was average height, her mother almost reached up to him although only sporting a little heel on her conservative black pumps. Where his girlfriend had curves and soft features her mum was certainly all lean and edgy. That fiery red hair gave his brother's a run for his money and against his expectations was straighter than straight and trimmed into a trendy pixie cut. Not a single grey or silver hair to be found, well-arranged like fresh from a salon.

"I'm Jay, nice to meet you!" He extended his hand to the woman dressed in a navy-blue satin wrap dress, but instead of taking it he was pulled into a right-left-right air-kissing, that took him by surprise.

A waft of expensive Dior scent and menthol smoke fumes hit him, single golden bracelet dangling against his arms where she had grabbed him. His face must have taken on a funny expression, because Rianne cracked up with laughter, when he looked at her.

"Should have warned you," she murmured when he took the seat next to her, kissing his cheek as well with real lip contact this time.

"Glad you could make it," she added and smiled at him, searching for his hand under the table after he'd taken off his coat.

If he wasn't mistaken she was nervous like hell and a little on edge. It seemed that the afternoon spend alone with her mum talking had been just as stressful as she had dreaded. He put a second hand over hers, trying to let a bit of his warmth ooze into her icy limbs. As he hadn't had time to think too much about it he found he was actually more relaxed than he would have thought.

"Yeah, Hailey said she would cover for me. Turned out several other departments were throwing themselves at the case we had this afternoon, so she's going to handle the handover," he explained shortly.

Rianne raised her eyes in astonishment, but didn't engage on why his partner suddenly turned out to be a supporter of their relationship, helping him to get to spend more time with her. Although he was secretly wondering about that too, it certainly seemed like a change of attitude. Her mother eyed their exchange closely.  
The woman with a thousand freckles on her face, hands and arms, just like him, graced him with a radiant smile, when he directed his attention back to her. There certainly was an air of mystery about her too, Jay was unbelievably curious on how things would go.

"So nice to finally meet you in person! I see you have gotten dressed since this morning…"

Jay almost choked up, while Rianne hid her face in her hands and mumbled under her breath: "Oh well, here we go…"

"All that police work certainly keeps you in shape…"

Jay didn't get a word in, because Rianne was short from jumping over the table, tensing up beside him:

"Ma, we talked about this!"

"Why? I was just complimenting him, you don't mind, do you Jay? I'm actually not a big fan of beating around the bushes."

"I don't mind actually! Only seen as you already got all that leverage on me, I might need to know some things about you too to even out the score," he managed to come back from her first opening blow.

"Touché!" Her mum raised her glass at him, a calculating smile playing on her lips.

Rianne snorted next to him, grabbing his hand tighter. Jay signaled the waiter to get him something to drink too. Time to vest up.

That she was not one to beat around the bushes he experienced first hand throughout aperitifs, entrée, first and main course.  
In a serious, but somehow charming way Elise kept drilling him about his job, his army past and what he thought of the US politically and the police-system generally. She was not openly rude and cracked a joke or two about herself and her job and what she was up to at the moment, but her eyes were watching him closely all the time, scanning his reaction to every personal question she asked. Rianne next to him was mostly deeply ashamed and unnaturally mute, fading into the background and sticking to butting in with some sarcastic remarks from time to time.

This felt more like a job interview than anything. But Jay found himself holding is own and finding it helpful that he'd just come in from work. He was under the impression that his detective armor was giving him confidence throughout the inquisition and he could accept this as sort of an opportunity to solve a little more of the puzzle to his girlfriend's background. It was a revelation to meet at least one half of the people responsible for giving life to Rianner and finding out what had made her into who she was, how she needed to be loved.

Elise op den Winkel was certainly no Bunny Fletcher, or a Gale Corson. Neither a lunatic or completely stone cold bitch, nor a warm nurturer and overly cuddly and caring person. She was certainly all business, well educated and not at all superficial, very straightforward, hard-headed and all in all a strong woman, who had earned her success and wanted people to know that she was dependent on anyone. Traits that one way or the other had certainly rubbed off on her daughter too. On second thought there were by all means some resemblances, but Jay knew better than to share his observations. It seemed the two women were both blind to that fact.

* * *

"Why don't you two choose something for dessert while I take this call?" Elise had excused herself, so Jay had the opportunity to take a breather.

He emptied the glass of water in front of him in one gulp:

"Wow. There's some family resemblance in getting right to the point. How old is she again?"

"54! Why? You wanna date her?" Rianne squinted at him.

First he thought she was joking, but looking more closely he saw that she wasn't just messing with him.

"Where the fuck is that coming from?"

"I just mean, you don't have to be so freakin nice to her all the time. She's been offending you non-stop!"

He had caught on to her growing annoyance through dinner, but somehow he got the impression that her rage was being misdirected at him and he wouldn't let her:

"Offending me? Why? Because of her political criticism and her attitude towards the military concept and police-work? She's allowed to have her opinion and I like people being upfront about it instead of giving me fake fulsome praises."

"Yeah, but you don't have to be all 'yes ma'am, of course ma'am' and stand whenever she's standing all the time. It's ridiculous!"

"Uuuh, someone's in a mood…"

"I'm in no mood, I'm just saying she's the worst and you…" Rianne played with her napkin, speaking through gritted teeth.

He felt an outbreak coming, so Jay didn't let her finish, turning her face to him with his hand in her hair:

"Careful! Don't give me crap about that. It's the way I was raised, the way I was taught. I'm just trying to be respectful! This is not me being a suck-up, babe."

Rianne had the decency to look instantly sorry. He knew she knew she was being out of line, but seemingly too wrought up about this unexpected visit. She was certainly giving off a lot of passive aggressiveness, not the upfront way her knew her to normally handle things. There seemed to be a little inhibition towards her mother. Was this how it had been for bystanders to watch him and his father interact and communicate? There wasn't that constant going off on each other, but definitely some misdirected, ambiguous way of interacting. Or rather not interacting.

"So… what's the deal? She seems nice…"

"Oh, you think that was nice? She's questioning you like you're applying for a job."

"But I would really like to have that job!"

There it was again. This thing he couldn't help doing with her: Take opportunities to be facetious. His heart jumped when he got her to crack a smile and lean into him:

"You're an idiot!"

He was still keeping his hand in her neck, running his thumb up and down behind her ear, waiting for her to come out with what was triggering her about this meeting and didn't have to wait long:

"She doesn't even have time to spend a whole weekend. She's flying back tomorrow, so this is a quick check-up, not a friendly visit. She hasn't even done one of those in a while. So in reality she is just here to see you, not me!"

"Not to play the all-trumping orphan card here: at least you still got parents to fight and be mad with."

Rianne made a fake loud growling sound, annoyed that he didn't just agree with her. It made Jay splutter with laughter at her pubertal demeanor. She freed herself from his grip on her. He knew he was pushing his luck with his next comment, but he was amused that for once he wasn't the wrought up one over family issues:

"Has anyone ever told you you sound like Marge Simpson when you make that noise?"

"No!"

"It's actually really adorable!" Kissing her cheek Jay finally took the menu to see if there was anything else worth having, although he was feeling rather sated.

Rianne scoffed at him, not replying for a while.

"Guess, I'm still not feeling so hot!" he finally heard her say next to him in a small voice while burying her face in his shoulder again.

Jay wanted to cheer her up by telling her that they could spend tomorrow at home just by themselves to recharge their batteries. But he knew better than to make promises he knew he couldn't keep. Instead he entwined their hands again, kissing her temple, giving her the silent affirmation that they were in this together however the evening would turn out.

* * *

"What's this?"

After they had dropped her mother off at her hotel later that night, their ride home had been very quiet, both of them obviously lost in their own thoughts, yet occasionally touching the other throughout the drive implying that they were overall good and not in a fight.  
Rianne had been fiddling with a parcel her mother had pressed on her last minute and had went to open it when they'd come back to the apartment. Jay was leaning over her shoulder, curious as always.

"Money, early Christmas present. And chocolate letters. Even a special one for you…" she held up two paper parcels.

A milk chocolate "R" and a white chocolate "J" with multicolored sprinkles.

"Oh, so you did actually tell her about me in advance…" he teased, earning himself an annoyed glance.

"It's a Sinterklaas treat to give away…" she shortly explained what this holiday meant in the Netherlands, laughing at Jay's pronunciation of it, when he let the foreign word roll off his tongue.

Rianne opened her chocolate and broke off a little piece that she began to chew on, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Oh so now you can eat dessert…"

"If I had known **you** would pay for dinner I would certainly have picked the most expensive thing on the menu…" Rianne put a second piece of chocolate in her mouth, offering Jay one as well, which he took, playfully biting her fingers a little.

"You didn't have to do that you know? Pay for dinner?" She then said looking up from licking her chocolate covered fingers, searching his face, suddenly very serious.

"Yes, I did!" Jay answered a few seconds later, planting a kiss on her sugary lips and leaving her to herself to get freshened up and changed.

He knew he didn't have to do it for her, or for her mother. But he had somehow needed to do it for himself. Just a whim, a small act of taking power, maybe not even connected to the dinner they had had, maybe to gain back control in a whole different way. There had been no direct questions as to what Rianne and him where planning in the future, no classic interview on how they had met, how they had fallen in love, what they loved to do together, but he'd felt an underlying question through the whole thing: Was he able to provide for her daughter? He'd be damned if he couldn't.

* * *

Rianne had temporarily been a little annoyed with Jay that he had been so overly calm and correct at dinner. But then again she had already had the defiant rebel boyfriend and husband. Jay was so much more mature than her sometimes. Maybe she needed just that on occasion.  
Now going through his night-time routine and leaving her to gather her thoughts by herself in the half-dark livingroom, ending up eating her whole damn chocolate letter he was doing it again: This was not Jay not talking to her, this was Jay being smart and a pro at waiting, smoking her out. Giving her space to come out with whatever was on her mind, making her talk without pressuring her. On days where he had his own fears and spleens under control he could do that in his sleep she suspected.

After spending some more time collecting her thoughts while brushing her teeth and changing into something to sleep in, she made her way into the bedroom, where Jay'd slumped down on the mattress. Lying on his stomach, he kept himself busy with something on his i-pad.  
He'd been so brave tonight, such a rock. Sometimes she wondered where he kept all those resources hidden. Jay was certainly able to function on a very high level even though he was fighting so many battles of his own.  
She really shouldn't compare one man to the other, but sometimes it was inevitable to let her thoughts go there. Especially when faced with a situation that would have looked a lot different three years ago. Andrea would have either tried to offend her mother because he felt threatened by her, or because he thought he had to be rude to her for Rianne's sake, or he would have said nothing throughout the whole evening, extensively drinking the expensive wine that she or her mother would pay for in the end. Afterwards Rianne would have had to listen to him complain what an awful, constrained evening it had been and that he would skip the next one.  
Jay had actually managed to not only beat her mother at her own game by sneakily paying for their dinner while he'd excused himself to go to the restrooms, he'd also said his goodbye to her with an adoringly witty:

"So, what's your assessment? Am I the right man for the job?"

That in combination with the twinkle in his eyes and a winning Jay-smile had left her mother speechless for once and then elicited a real laugh out of her. A laugh that Rianne hadn't heard in a long time. Maybe never. A caught out laugh, a laugh that spoke of respect for her "opponent", somehow a laugh about her own meddling and tenaciousness. When she'd said her goodbye her mother had actually looked at Rianne, like really looked at her, and addressed her and Jay both with a:

"Take care of each other!" This was the warmest sentence she had heard out of that woman's mouth in a long time.

Jay hadn't really needed her to defend him and his existence to Elise, he could do that himself and even manage to make Rianne feel like he got her back at the same time. Through passages of the dinner she had almost been able to begin to relax at his side. Scarily perfect. So maybe this was what it could be like to be with a man too. It was such an overwhelming feeling that she needed to take a deep breath to keep from freezing up.

Suddenly shivering Rianne quickly crawled up next to him under the covers, trying to warm herself up by wrapping her legs around Jay's. He flinched because of her cold feet pressing against his legs.

"Seriously girl, you're an icicle," scowling at her he got rid of the technical device in his hands and moved over, burying her under him, making her squeal a little because he was putting his full weight on her.

"You'll be wishing for an icicle in two weeks. This is gonna be the weirdest Christmas, not only concerning the temperatures! That's if you still wanna go meet some more of my family after tonight…" She was fighting for breathing space and making him shift his body a bit more to the side, not really meeting his eyes on purpose, afraid of what she might find in them.

"Why wouldn't I want to meet more of your family members? Was I that bad?"

"No, **you** did really good. Thank you!" Rianne cradled his head in her hands, easing up at being met with a kind and relaxed expression on his face.

"You're welcome…" he pressed his lips to hers momentarily.

"I think she actually really likes you. First I thought I would hate that, but now… it feels okay…"

The twisted thing was that she hadn't been afraid her mother would dislike him. She had feared more that Elise **would** actually like him and somehow make Rianne resent Jay for that. This didn't really make sense, but Rianne had grown up to search for the most possible differentiation from her parents, because she had always failed at being like them.

"What? You thought you would hate it if she liked me? You should have said something." Jay looked a little confused. "I could have made that happen!"

"No, it's childish, but… me and my mum… it's tricky on many levels…"

"Yeah, I kind of caught on to that. So, what part of the story did you leave out?"

After shedding some more light on several aspects of her and her mum's history, especially in past years, Jay could relate to some of that. He mostly had wished Will had been there for him more too, that they would have stuck together through his mum's disease and death, his hard time after coming back from the war. Jay wished his father and him had been able to talk things out before it was too late, to hear that he was proud of him somehow. He knew what it felt like to be a disappointment in the eyes of a parent. Rianne knew that he would understand, but he was also offering up a different perspective:

"I don't wanna defend your mum's actions. It sure was a crappy thing to be a no show when you wanted her to care about your losses. But sometimes I guess it's hard to see the ones you love suffer. Some people can't bear to feel their pain up close, so they rather don't address it. Must be hard for parents to see that kind of pain in their kids. Because they mostly just want them to be happy, not sad and struggling. At least I think they should want that. And on another note: you're pretty good at pretending you don't **need** anyone in your life."

"Way to give yourself some smart-ass advise…" Rianne said because it was just the same with him.

"Yeah, you know how that goes…"

He was implying that she could be pretty smart about other people's problems and demons too, but concerning her own: Not always.  
Watching her closely, drawing patterns over her exposed collarbone with his thumb Jay's smile suddenly grew a little smug and Rianne caught on to that immediately.

"What?" She snapped, making his smile go even wider, when he turned away from her on his back, crossing his hands over his chest and looking up to the ceiling, very self-complacent:

"Nothing! Just thinking that I actually feel better after tonight."

"Why?" Rianne prodded his ribs angrily. Was he making light of her very real and sore life-subjects?

"Because now I know I am not the only one with unresolved family issues."

"You already knew that, I told you before it's not one happy family with me."

"Yeah, but witnessing this first hand is a different matter."

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"A little…" Jay tried to keep a straight face but the sparkle in his eye gave him away when he looked at her.

"Right, thank you very much!" A little affronted she turned her back to him, stealing a lot of his blanket in the process.

Jay was still mildly amused by her pouting: "Don't get me wrong, but you not being so perfect and in control all the time actually makes me love you more and me feel less screwed up."

"I'm far from perfect!"

"To me you are. The perfect woman for me!" He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and put his arms around her again.

"Ew… here we go again with the Halstead cheesiness!" She protested, but in reality she felt herself blush.

"Can't you ever take a compliment woman?"

Instead of answering him she pulled him in for a kiss, slow, gentle, goose-bumps generating, silently thanking him for giving her tiny assurances that he was coming back to her, back to their reality, time after time. When she just looked at him for a long while Jay raised both his brows up high, sighing loudly:

"What else?"

"Short freak-out and then I promise I'm done: Is this too fast? Is it completely nuts to wanna give up that loft? Should we think more about this?" There they were without a filter, just some of the things on her mind.

Jay shook her shoulders mock-violently, eyes open wide:

"Don't you back-paddle on me now! I just put together a search alert for apartments, condos, houses…Maybe we should talk some more about what we both want…"

"This what you were doing?" She motioned to the discarded i-pad, her heart secretly jumping excitedly that he was taking this so serious.

He hadn't just said yes this morning, he actually wanted to make it happen. Not some time next week, next month, next year: Now! She wasn't the one left to get things going alone. If only he knew what that did to her:

"Sure! I don't need a two year test drive to know this is what I want. So what would we be waiting for?"

"Well, you know all the things that we find so adoring about each other could very well turn into things that annoy us in the future!"

"Isn't this what eventually happens in every relationship? We'll just find new things to find adoring about each other then!"

His hands already snuck under her shirt, caressing her skin lightly so that she was tempted to just close her eyes and let her mind go blank again, but there was one last thing:

"Are you going to tell me more about your therapy session sometime?"

"I definitely will. But not tonight!"

"Why not?"

"Because for once I wanna go out on a high note, not discuss all **my** emotional crap and be the one to make **you** feel good! I remember someone talking about desperately needing 'consolation' sex only this morning…"

Rianne didn't have to think long about that, she could let him have this. If the role of the protector, the stronger one, was the one that gave him a little push to start to get through his own turmoil, all these insecurities and flashbacks of being a victim, she gladly gave him that. She just had to hope and pray that he would let her see when it was time for her to jump in again.


	49. Non-Breakable Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title "Non-Breakable Space" by Small Fires

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Couple and individual goal: Just get to the 22nd of December!  
It was easier said than actually done making it through the next two weeks until Jay and Rianne could finally take some time off together. There was still a lot to be done before then. Christmas and everything related to the festivities should be a harmonious and joyful time. Not only tended the pre-holiday stress to get to mostly everyone who was shopping for gifts, making preparations, arranging trips to see family or have them over for the actual festivities: For people working in the social sector it turned out to be one of the busiest and hardest times of the year.

For Rianne this mainly affected children and young people who fled their homes at that time, were kicked out or did not have one in the first place, small and bigger humans with problems a mile long, not able to join in the holiday spirit, because other things and matters were more pressing or there just was nothing enjoyable in their life right now. For the once without an actual family this time of the brought up many issues and was a bitter reminder that everyone else seemed to be celebrating something that they could never achieve.  
Rianne had her hands full accompanying crisis interventions, making visits, and in some cases preventing the worst (abuse, mistreatment, lack of nourishment, domestic violence) if there was a chance. Impending holidays sometimes brought out the worst in housing and family situations, especially when money was tight and the goal of a "happy holiday" seemed far too hard to reach.

It could have been a fast final spurt, but the two weeks until Christmas dragged on. She repeatedly felt like a juggler trying to reconcile her private and professional life. Most days she tried not to get upset about the fact that she had far too little time to enjoy everything new with Jay the way she would have wanted to, hell she didn't even get to do her usual Christmas decorations and crafts. This was also due to most of her stuff still being boxed up in some storage unit.

Jay, too, was no less buffeted by the pre-Christmas chaos of a city like Chicago. Holidays didn't just miraculously stop crime. On the contrary.

Once they happened to see each other for a few stolen hours between his impossible and often never-ending hours on duty that so often didn't match hers, or they deliberately had arranged a meeting that didn't get canceled, they tried to work on their plans for the future living-situation. There was a whole lot to think about and to discuss. It was indeed a welcome distraction to all the different horrors they were faced with every day.  
What part of town did they want to live in? Did they want to rent or buy? Who was willing and able to provide how much money? Who wanted to secure themselves and how, and who was more afraid of the uncertainties that this new experiment would bring? What did they like concerning style, interior design and such?  
They were facing an important milestone in their relationship: finding compromises and getting to know things about each other on previously foreign turf.

More than once their evenings/nights consisted of lying on the couch or in bed, iPad drawn, Rianne looking over Jay's shoulder while he edited his thousands of lists and favorites and adjusted searches. Somehow they were still in the pure 'just browsing' phase without seriously considering anything, but having a lot of fun doing so. She really loved how eager he was to get on with it and how little he seemed attached to his current apartment and how he never tried to talk her into something she didn't want or like.

When sides of his child-like enthusiasm and goofy humor where able to break through Rianne sometimes had to pinch herself to remind her that this was actually happening. Also to keep herself from swooning because she found herself so terribly in love with him and the prospect of building a life together.

"Listen to this", Jay would say for example, reading from the different exposés on realtor's websites with a big fat grin on his face, already knowing exactly what would make her laugh along with him:

" ** _Awesome Bucktown brick / timber loft in historic Langendorf building. Two bedrooms and two bathrooms ..._** it would be enough for your knick-knack at least... **_32x6 terrace with sweeping city views_** …. **_Features include open concept with soaring ceilings, hardwood floors and exposed brick and timber. Master bedroom with huge walk in closet and private bath. In unit washer and dryer ..._** that would certainly take care of the laundry problem… **_Unmatched space, character and style. There's no other place like this._** Whoever is writing this sort of stilted shit? Or this one… this is even better: **_Historic Worker Cottage gut-rehabbed in 2003..._** I swear these are expressions I've never even heard of… ** _Perfect blend of vintage and modern finished. Very cozy, not cookie-cutter 4-bed-3-and-a-half-bath home in the heart of Wicker Park._** Yada yada yada… Now here's my favorite part: **_Built-in-natural gas grill off porch. Approximately 25x25 fully manicured backyard…_** I mean really? What's that supposed to mean?… ** _with vintage Chicago paver stones tying in the history of the home and neighborhood. Home sits on a quiet-one-way leading to North Avenue… Best location in Wicker Park on a block that will never change! ..._** Well, cheers to that!"

Her favorite place to listen to him was lying on his back while he was sprawled out on his stomach. Feeling his voice and laugh resonate through her body. His warmth and scent and everything about this little domestic bliss were making these moments the perfect highlight between otherwise stressful days and other worries on her mind.

The longer she thought about it: Taking action and being pro-active was a way of taking back control and feeling in charge, so maybe this proved extremely important to Jay now. In some ways it was difficult to adjust herself to a role she had never known before in her life: Letting someone else take care of her. Up until now she never had let someone else take the wheel, never really felt comfortable doing so.

It was funny to see old relationship-issues from her past in a new perspective, with a new maturity and in a different light. Rianne had feared talking about money as it had always been a tricky thing between her and Andrea. So she had to get over herself to reveal to Jay how much she indeed could play with if she wanted to.

* * *

He'd been shocked at first, feeling a little intimidated when she told him for how much money she could actually sell the loft in Streeterville for and how many zeros her bank account had right now. But after a little freak-out and a couple of breathers on his part it had been an open topic for discussion. Rianne had accepted his boundaries when it came to making a stand that he would want an equal part in this. Even if it meant that he had to take out a loan to provide for whatever his part financially would turn out to be, he certainly wouldn't agree to her paying the bigger half of whatever they would decide on. Jay's argument that he needed for them to meet somewhere in the middle had been heard and taken without a patronizing discussion.

He enjoyed their "in-between-phase" of figuring out what they both wanted. Jay knew she was holding back for him at the moment. He knew she needed more space to breathe, even if she kept saying that it was just him she needed to be happy. This was a sweet thing to hear and he believed she really wanted that to be true, but he'd seen how much she needed to be outside, have space to herself, space to be creative, to adjust things to her liking. This was a woman with a bohemian spirit no one could built a cage around. It probably wouldn't be that easy to find a home that spoke to her need for uniqueness. He himself really wasn't that passionate about decor and style, more a comfort over form guy, but it mattered to her, so he wanted for her to have that sooner than later.

Jay would have lied if this time wasn't also putting a lot of pressure on him to get his psyche back on track, pressure that he mostly was putting on himself. A lot of times he needed to remind himself to keep breathing, keep moving forward, that it was a slow process which wouldn't be sped up by quitting.

* * *

A few days before they were headed to Argentina, Rianne received a call in the middle of the night from a colleague, begging her to come into the office. The police had picked up one of her kids who had run away from her foster home, adamant that she would only talk to Rianne and Rianne only. The girl seemed to be shaken up pretty bad.  
Not liking it because a) this was one of her close-to-her-heart cases and she had a strange sense of foreboding and b) she was running on way too little sleep as it was, she got into some at least comfy and warm clothes, bracing herself against the Chicago winter that would greet her outside.

Jay was sleeping soundly for once. If it were up to her she would have let him be, knowing that deep slumber still was an issue with him (maybe for some part always would be). But he had been very clear she should always wake him up if something like this happened. He simply wanted to be aware and not wake up to an empty space beside him, worrying, especially as long as he still felt on edge like he had over the past weeks.  
He was bravely facing and continuing therapy sessions at least once a week, but Rianne knew from her own experience that this wasn't a guaranty for miraculous and instant healing. Instead of feeling better, digging around in possibly old themes and issues could shake things up pretty good. So she was being realistic about this: It would only be slow progress for him.  
Rianne was thankful either way because she knew Jay was a fighter and wanted to push through, not one to let himself drown into a depression and just give up. With him she only ever was afraid that he would bury his feelings down too deep and never get in touch with them again when he was feeling overwhelmed, only to have them haunt him in other ways and at the most inconvenient times.

When she walked over to the bed again she saw that Límon had already taken her former place beside Jay and purred happily beside her man. That traitor! But the scene before her actually made her smile despite her tiredness.

It pained her to really shake Jay's evenly breathing body awake after having tried doing it softly hadn't worked out.

"Jay!? Hon, don't freak out! I have to leave!"

"What? Why?" She found that he was always wide awake in seconds when he detected something wasn't right with her, he either was that sensitive or they had established that strong bond in the meantime. Nevertheless he looked sleepy and cute, blinking at her like that after he'd shot straight into a sitting position that made Límon do a runner. What she would have given to just crawl into bed with these two again.

"I got a call, it's an emergency. I have to be at the office, like now!"

"Are you sure you're okay with that? I mean you've been at the office like at least 70 hours last week…" Jay rubbed his eyes, voice sounding rough.

"I know, but it's urgent. I really have to go!" She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek and made to get up, but Jay grabbed her hand:

"It's 3 a.m."

"I damn well know that Jay, can we not get into this now? I just woke you up as a courtesy, not to ask for your permission!"Rianne was a little stunned herself how defensive those words fell out of her mouth, but she couldn't help it.

Instead of arguing further, he stared at her in the dark for a few seconds, then pulled her in for a kiss that took her by surprise:

"Thanks for letting me know! I am still worried about you! Be safe!"

* * *

After she'd had the silent ride to the office building to go over her parting words with Jay again, Rianne felt really bad. She knew he didn't mean it in a condescending and lecturing way. He had just wanted to remind her that there was a private life, a private person existing outside of the job and that she had to take care of herself too. There were thousands of people, families and children in need and it was sometimes hard to keep the personal distance to certain cases. It was good to be reminded of that once in a while. She constantly did it for him and he had wanted to do it for her too.

This wouldn't lead to a "it's either me or your job" fight like she had endured before or a discussion that seemingly everything was less important to her than her work. It was a considerate hint to bear her own health and resources in mind, because be knew how it was.

Before she went inside stifling a big yawn she texted him:

_"I am sorry I went off on you just now. I know you meant well! I love you!"_

Having pressed 'send' and taking a deep breath Rianne saw that Jay instantly went online. Great, so he was still awake and had obviously not been able to get back to sleep. She didn't like it, but knew he would never blame her for this. Lucky her!

**_"No worries, I get it. Love ya too, only five more days of madness! Talk later?"_ **

* * *

Their: 'talk later' never actually happened.  
Jay hadn't heard from Rianne the whole day after she had left in the middle of the night. It was odd, but mostly he hadn't much time to check his phone and text or call her, because he was a little busy himself. Intelligence was on a high-level chase of some teenage prostitution ring Burgess had stumbled upon two days ago when she'd taken a 911 call from a girl that seemed to be a victim of domestic abuse. Following up on that call because of a gut feeling she had, they had stumbled upon a sex-trafficking ring, not just operating in Chicago, recruiting helpless and fragile young women, often homeless run-aways.

After having taken down parts of the crew and saving 18 girls last night, the head Daniel and the girl who had made the initial 911 call were still missing. While that alone was frustrating Jay had had a hard time keeping it together anyway seeing all the girls they rescued too drugged up, so that they didn't understand what was going on, where they were and what was happening to them in the first place. Those animals had even resorted to turning girls out to be some kind of adjutants, helping the men break and keep the other girls in line, even recruiting new ones. They had completely brainwashed especially one of them who was sticking to her well learned conviction that Daniel was only 'helping' those girls. Jay had felt sick to his stomach listening to this and at seeing parts of his own incident reflected in the empty submissive eyes of those victims, high on heroine and whatever else. How could one recover from those experiences? Years of being exposed to abuse and torture, being fed lies and drugs?  
Needless to say that he hadn't been able to get back to sleep once Rianne had left the apartment in the middle of the night. Maybe if he'd told her about the case she would have stayed, knowing what that must be like for him, bringing him back to reality when his thoughts ran too wild. But this wouldn't have been fair. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was still convinced that he had to beat this alone anyway and couldn't put this on her.

In the face of things happening today however he had put himself and his feelings on a back-burner again:

Being allowed to work this case with Intelligence as an exception, promising to stick to desk-duty, Kim hadn't been able to stop herself in the end. Left unsupervised at the precinct this morning, she had resorted to go chasing down leads for Daniel and the girl with everyone else who had spread out. Jay couldn't really understand why she hadn't requested that someone joined her once she decided to work in the field, but had a pretty good idea what had been on his co-workers mind: Not her own safety, but the safety of a scared, young girl that had no one else to advocate for her. He knew how that felt like when self-preservation went out the window in the face of other people's fate.

Burgess and Hailey were able to save that girls life, but had to sacrifice some of their own well-being in the process. Kim had taken a pretty hard beating as well as Hailey who had arrived first on scene after Burgess, finally subduing the tormentor Daniel. The outcome was still unclear, it didn't look good.

So they had all ended up at Chicago Med, fretting about Burgess and the pregnancy, Hailey and the girl they had saved, who was in bad shape. Seeing Adam wrought up, devastated and pacing the corridors while Kim was in surgery, Jay knew he wouldn't want to be in his shoes. He couldn't even imagine what he was going through right now. Or maybe he could, but he didn't want to go there to keep his head on straight.

Rianne had been right: This wasn't just a man worrying about the mother of his unborn child and said child, or about his ex-fiancée, his colleague and friend: This was a man in fear for the love of his life! They had had a talk about Burgess and Ruzek just a few days ago. Jay found it astonishing how his girlfriend always seemed to be up to date about the latest relationship developments and personal matters of the people in their orbit, without coming across like a prying great gossip. She was extremely perceptive and people tended to open up to her easily. If he played his cards right he benefited from said knowledge.

The agonizing wait on news was pure torture, all his fears written square across Adam's face while he sat on the floor of the waiting room of the E.D. Hailey had been cleared in the meantime and diagnosed with a sprained wrist and two broken ribs, but there was still no update on Kim.

Jay had just left the room of the saved victim Emma and gotten in contact with her parents, when his brother came down the hall towards him, face laced with worry.  
Meeting Will's eyes Jay instantly felt it wasn't because of Kim, something else was up and his heart sank, an agonizing deep pull on his intestines punching the air out of him momentarily. He should have known nothing good ever came from this place:

"What's up?"

"Jay, I need you to come with me, if you can!"

"Is this a private matter or official business?"

"Both, actually!" His brother had already turned around again, waiting for him to follow him through the hall.

Jay glanced around at his colleagues and caught Atwater's gaze. Without hesitation the other man made to get up and follow too. Once they had reached the elevator he saw his brother press the button for the 7th floor to the "psych ward".

"Will what is going on?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a little shorter chapter than the last ones, it leaves room for many speculations and hopefully gets you excited for the follow-up. As you see I took some liberties with the original storyline of that case from "I was here", letting Hailey arrive a bit earlier and leaving a slight chance that Kim still might get to keep the baby... who knows.  
> Hope I'll be able to get the next chapter out to you soon, was feeling a little COVID-tired this week and generally unproductive. Wish you all a happy Sunday.


	50. Looking Too Closely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone leaving a comment on the last chapters and taking the time and effort to share your thoughts we me. The tiniest hint that people are still reading and enjoying this ride (although we're already so deep into the story) boosts me and my drive to write up to an unspeakable amount. So I really appreciate every line you drop me. 
> 
> I hope you like the solution of the cliffhanger, it's actually something that has happened in real life.
> 
> Chapter Title "Looking Too Closely" by Fink

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"You can let go of me Sara. Nothing is going to happen to you. Just let go of me!"

"But I don't wanna be here!"

"We talked about this, it was your decision, we came here so you could get better."

"I changed my mind. I just want my mom!"

The immeasurable anger and the tremendous despair lacing the girl's voice rang painfully in Rianne's ears. Drops of spit because of her crying out like that and up close hit her face, threatening to wear her patience down:

"I know that sweetie, but no one knows where your mum is!"

"She said she'd come back for me! She promised this Christmas we'd be together!

Rianne's heart broke in several pieces, not for the first time today, not for the first time in the last weeks. It hurt more than the actual wounds on her body, or the pain from her hair being pulled back by desperate and tiny, inhumanly strong hands, making it impossible for her to move like she wanted.

'Don't try to freak out, stay calm,' she tried to tell herself, however out of breath she felt after a struggle that had been a fight for life and death, at least her 16-year-old opponent had acted like it was, still was actually.

Rianne tried not to think about the fact that her hair was probably being pulled from off her scalp with bare hands or her smarting cheekbone that seemed to have doubled in size in the last two minutes alone, or that she was pinned against a wall, fiercely holding on to a girl she had wanted to protect.

Rianne had been working in many different social departments and with several groups of people in need in Chicago after her studies. Starting out in a home for senior citizens helping the inhabitants with administrative issues and recreational activities, she had also had looked into working in a rehab clinic, quickly deciding that dealing with people recovering from addiction wasn't for her. Finally she had ended up in a facility for troubled children between the ages of 6 and 14 with no place else to live. Rianne had always loved giving her all for these children, making sure that the roof over their head they had was at least feeling a little bit like a real home for the time being.  
When she'd gotten pregnant it hadn't been allowed for her to continue working with these children at risk, because violent and provocative behavior were not uncommon, so Rianne had been placed at the Department of Children and Family Services, confined to working a desk. That was until she'd come back after her accident. Then she had demanded to do various work out in the field like she did up til now.  
Her belief was that this job could only be done one way or the other:

1) be an attorney for the people that need you, try to make a difference and sometimes get a little overly invested

or

2) stick to the basic tasks, engage in rule book slowdown and insist on a 9 to 5 job agreement.

This day had turned out to be one of those days when she wished she was built to choose the latter, so things wouldn't have gotten so personal.

She'd known Sara since her time in the group home, when she had only been 12 years old. Since then their paths had crossed time and time again. With a mom that was on-and-off-again available, always jumping ship when things got tough or a new man waltzed into her life, Sara had been living in different group and foster homes constantly. Due to early childhood experiences, an attachment disorder, as well as no real social network she was not an easy teenager to deal with. Over time she had struggled with the oh-so-typical problems: Hanging out with the wrong crowd, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, developing an eating disorder that was at times bordering on clinical and sometimes, when the pressure got too much for her, resorting to deliberately harming herself by cutting her arms and legs. All the while though she had stayed in contact with Rianne, irregularly checking in to have a chat or let herself be steered back on track. Despite everything she kept coming back and Rianne had developed a soft spot for that girl.  
This last six months Sara had actually been in a pretty stable situation with her current foster family. They were very strict on rules, but the young woman needed that structure. She had been able to gain weight as well as improve her school performance, for starters showing up regularly. But ever since her biological mother had made contact a few weeks ago only to disappear again afterwards Sara had been spiraling anew.

Sometimes Rianne got so angry at parents unaware of what those decisions did to their children, leaving others to clean up the mess they left behind.

* * *

Kevin hadn't really known why Jay had looked for someone from the team to follow him, but he'd been happy to oblige to escape the agonizing wait on any news concerning Burgess downstairs.  
Arriving on the psychiatric floor now he understood: Halstead had needed someone less invested than himself.  
The minute Will Halstead led them out of the elevator down another hallway they could hear frantic screams. A whole lot of medical personnel was gathered around, some tending to other patients in emotional states, and some had formed a small crowd around a dramatic scene. Towering over most of them Kevin could see Jay's girlfriend in a headlock by some manically screaming, possibly psychotic girl, clinging to Rianne's scalp with her fingernails and holding a screwdriver in her fist, ready to pounce on anyone coming near them, threatening to drive it into her own neck or possibly the other woman's body. There was debris of broken glass, upturned chairs and medical supplies strewn across the floor.

"What the actual fuck…," Jay cursed instantly, his body going rigid next to Kevin's.

"Rianne came in to admit the girl. She was consenting at first but then suddenly she snapped, ran around screaming, kicked and attacked several patients and staff members. Rianne went after her because she threatened to kill herself with that screwdriver she stole from the maintenance guy over there," Will filled them in, motioning around the floor's chaotic upheaval.

"Wasn't able to get it off of her though."

Kevin assessed the weak points of the situation by looking for exit ways, or ways that would get them access to Rianne and the girl.  
Backed into a hallway-corner there was no way of approaching from behind, get something like a tranquilizer into her or off Halstead's girlfriend with force.  
Will told them that any attempt from doctor's or nurses to come to Rianne's aid had only led to more agitation on the girl's side, making her even more unstable and prone to harm herself or her "hostage". This was not looking good, really anything could spook the teen it seemed.

"Rianne kept saying she was handling this, but I thought it couldn't hurt to bring you guys up here as soon as I was informed. Maybe that girl has more respect for the police than she has for doctor's. Besides I thought you'd wanna know Jay," Will went on, causing Halstead to roll his eyes up to the ceiling.

Obviously his girlfriend had a tendency to be just as adamant to solve things by herself like he mostly was. Right now it was making his co-worker's jaw muscles twitch nervously, his arms akimbo.  
When Rianne spotted the new arrivals, her eyes went wide. Closing them for a second then, unmovingly coiled around the girl she said:

"Maybe we could get someone over here who can help us calm down a little? No weapons?" She shook her head at Jay almost unnoticeably, addressing no one in particular, but telling him to hold back with her intense stare.

Kevin felt a jolt go through Jay next to him. He guessed he unwillingly understood, Kevin heard him grunt in frustration. She didn't want things to escalate further, knowing Jay would be so worried about her that he wasn't in his right mind. Like the time in the loft on her moving day Kevin envied her ability to keep Halstead in check only by looking at him.  
Instead she fixated Atwater now, inviting him with her eyes. He followed carefully, handing his gun over to Jay.

"No doctor's! No doctor's! I don't want no doctor's," the girl screamed breathlessly and kicked at Rianne when she saw Kevin approaching slowly.

But Rianne kept a tight grip on her, protecting herself and the girl from any hasty actions and that makeshift weapon.

"He's not a doctor. He's just a friend. This is Kevin!" Rianne forced a smile at him, trying very hard to keep a calm voice, although her breathing was a little agitated too, due to her physical and surely mental distress.

"Hi! Mind if I join you here on the floor?" He addressed them in his most calm inducing low voice.

As this wasn't his first hostage situation and he felt pretty confident dealing with troubled teenagers, Kevin crouched down on the floor, in a position that still gave him enough options of moving in quickly if things escalated further, watching every reaction of his counterparts. And he made sure that Halstead could keep an eye on things from the outside and he wasn't blocking his line of sight with his body.  
Close up Kevin could see that the girls face was tear stained, sweat breaking out on her forehead, as well as on Rianne's. There were a few scratch marks on her hands and underarms, and a pretty nasty shiner forming under her right eye.  
The girl didn't move, screwdriver clutched in hand, fingers clenching around Rianne's hair. Frozen, trembling, breathing agitatedly. Whatever had gotten her so upset it was clear that she saw no other way out. Kevin caught Rianne's eye, mouthing:

"You okay?"

She blinked her lids once to assure him that she still got this, although things didn't look like it. Kevin hadn't anticipated that the work of a social worker obviously wasn't that different from their own sometimes. At least not in cases concerning children.

"Kevin I want you to meet Sara."

"Hi Sara!"

There was no reaction from the teenager, who deliberately kept looking at everyone still gathered around them. Kevin tried again:

"Everybody's really worried about you. So maybe we can let them all relax a little. Maybe we could start by handing over this screwdriver? Think you could do that?"

"If I let go someone will take me away, put me in restraints, pump me full of drugs and I can't stay here. I can't be here. I need to be ready for my mum! She won't be able to find me here!"

The girl was really desperate. And while that elicited pity and empathy for her situation in Kevin, he also knew desperate people were capable of doing non assessable things, so they had to be extra careful on how to proceed.  
He exchanged a look with Jay a few feet away, who had caught on to the fact that Sara seemed to feel intimidated by all these people around them. Kevin saw him snap into action and bellow orders for everybody to "back the hell up".

"You see Sara? My friend Jay is making sure that we got all the privacy and room to calm down that we need. No one is going to hurt you, all right? You feel me?"

There was still no vocal reaction from the girl but Kevin imagined the tension in her shoulders lessened a little. Still she wouldn't let go of Rianne or the weapon she was holding.

"Sara, you mind if I tell Kevin some things about you? So that he can understand why we're here right now?"

When Rianne heard no protest she began to tell Kevin why she had brought Sara into Chicago Med today. Hearing herself being talked about got something inside the girl going, Rianne seemed to get her attention at least:

"Sara's not been feeling so well lately, doing some drugs, hurting herself, not eating enough… not showing up in school. Last night she ran away from her foster home and came to me, asking for help. So we had a really long talk about how she's super upset cause her mom promised her to come around for Christmas, get her act together, and she hasn't heard from her in several weeks now. We decided it would be good for Sara to get professional help, get admitted at Med…"

"You just don't want me to be with my mum! You hate her!"

Sara had started to cry throughout Rianne's words, somehow loosening her grip on her a bit. Kevin had been able to put a soothing hand on the girl's back that wasn't swatted away, the other one softly curling around the hand with the screwdriver, ready to grab it if needed. This was a tragic figure seeking for something to hold on to he thought. Searching for something and not succeeding. Who was strong enough to carry so much pain and such a life-story at only 16?  
Rianne's face had taken on a troubled look as well while hearing the girl's accusation thrown at her:

"Honey I don't hate her. But I hate what this does to you and what this makes you do to yourself. You deserve so much better because you are a great girl and this is not at all fair to you!"

In his peripheral vision Kevin saw Jay edging closer to them, obviously expecting that anything could happen at this point.  
But suddenly the screwdriver fell away from Sara's hand, Kevin grabbed it and it was like the girl completely decomposed in a matter of seconds. She rose up and threw her arms around Rianne's neck, clinging to her like her life depended on it, like she was otherwise afraid to drown in a sea of sorrow.

Trying to steady Halstead's girl with his body in her back he felt Rianne trembling like a leaf, almost thrown down by the force of Sara's tearful breakdown.  
Kevin slowly exhaled and caught Jay's eyes that had been watching closely. He was wiping the sweat from of his forehead, walking up and down, now barely able to contain himself, but nodding in Atwater's direction, mouthing:

"Good job!"

Kevin gave him the thumbs up. He didn't want to imagine what Halstead would have done to him if things had somehow went sideways.

* * *

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Mrs. Torres. I didn't want any of that to happen. I am so sorry."

The force with which the girl clang to her, a sobbing mess, threatened to pull Rianne down with her, not only physically. The emotional pain she had witnessed up close was completely crushing her. Trying to breath in through her nose, out through her mouth, whispering:

"It's okay, it's gonna be okay," before her own sobs of relief were threatening to take over, she made an attempt to transfer the girl's body over into Kevin's waiting arms.

She didn't know how she ever could thank him for being such a solid pillar of calm and patience and overall just what they had needed to get out of this situation. Rianne hoped he understood the message her eyes tried to convey, at least she thought she heard him say:

"My pleasure!"

The moment Sara let Kevin take her and her weight was off of her, medical personnel rushed in and Jay was at Rianne's side in a flash.

"You good?" His voice sounded really far away right now, although it was right next to her, something had begun to whoosh in her ears.

When he wanted to put his arms around her she swatted his hands away, knowing that she couldn't have herself break down in a pool of despair right here on that hospital floor. Not as long as Sara and this many people were in sight anyway. And she knew exactly that his strong arms, that familiar touch would do that to her in an instant, make her crumble.  
Rianne however used his body to pull herself up, only to feel that she had to hold on to him. Her leg gave way. She guessed the confined and crouched down position she had been in for as long as she had, all that tension, had made her injury flare up.  
Suddenly there were all these people inquiring about Rianne's health, wanting to take a look at her. She wanted them to just go away and give her space, so she kept telling everyone she was fine. Thankfully Jay told them to leave her to him and pulled her out of the hallway, looking for an empty room.

* * *

He would have wanted to carry her, especially as he could see that her leg was giving her trouble again, but he knew that she would certainly hate him if he did that. Jay had to fight hard to not give in to the urge to grab Rianne and put her in a safe deposit box somewhere, where no one and nothing could harm her.

At least she let him put his arm around her midst, steady and guide her towards where there weren't that many prying eyes and ears around. Once he had closed the door to an empty office behind them, Rianne perched down on a discarded desk, running her shaking hands over her face repeatedly.  
Her gestures were expressing what Jay felt inside too, but tried to reign in for her. He had been so terribly worried he temporarily had thought he would loose his mind. That image of her being held hostage by an unratable person had threatened to make something snap inside of him, making it really hard to think straight. That moment, any moment that showed him how easy it was to lose the one he loved: A definite candidate to make the top ten of the most terrifying moments of his life until now.

He could go undercover in a drug cartel and not loose sweat over it, he could jump on and from roofs of buildings, take people out with a sniper gun without blinking and with steady hands, but this? No way didn't it cost all his energy to keep his cool.

Breathing heavily Rianne seemed to stem a flood of tears, grabbing his upper arms with force when he approached her and panted out:

"Can you, can you please take a look at my hair?" She looked up at him pleadingly, eyes full of hurt, big and round like the ones of a little child, her voice already a little whiney:

"If, if it's gone somehow, parts of it... ? I'm… I can't, I'm afraid to touch it myself!"

"Of course!"

While she kept sitting on that desk he carefully combed through strands of her hair, that were messily spilling out of her ponytail. Her scalp was a angrily red in the area where Sara had held on to her, a few scratch marks showing, but no wisps missing, he could assure her of that:

"It's all there, maybe a little filthy and matted, nothing a good wash and brush won't fix. You hurt anywhere else?"

Besides from the obvious gashes and bruises on her cheekbone, hands and arms and maybe her ego he meant. Jay tenderly brushed her hair behind her ears, bending his knees a little so that he was eye-level with her and searched her face for clues what she needed him to do. First tears were spilling, Rianne pressed her lips together and shook her head:

"I just wanted to help her," she expelled before she buried her face on his shoulder and started to cry.

Jay understood all too well with an aching heart. Sometimes though people didn't really want help or they weren't able to accept it. Weren't able to accept good things being handed to them without service in return. If he thought about his time undercover in that correctional facility for young girls he surely knew.

"I really didn't see this coming! Maybe it shouldn't have been me who brought her in, maybe I should have transferred her case a long time ago because I am too close to this." She was crying herself into a frenzy now.

"Hey, hey, shhhhh… don't go there! It's not helpful. I'm sure you did everything the way it seemed right to you at the time. And probably a whole lot more than was asked of you, because that's the way you do your job."

Jay picked her up from the desk so that she was pressed against him and he could hold on more tightly, calming himself down too in the process by assuring himself that he really got her back in his arms, safe and in one piece.

"That was freakin' brave you know? You'd probably be good police!" he said when her sobs got quieter and she loosened her grip on his body a little, an attempt to cheer her up.

"No, thank you! I don't need this kind of excitement everyday. Besides: Just so that you could date another one of your co-workers? I don't think so." It seemed to be working judging by her sneering at him.

"You're right. Probably couldn't handle this anxiety everyday anyway."

"And I'd rather not see the things you have to do everyday up close. But I am proud of you for keeping so calm, considering…"

Considering she had been the one under attack and she knew from experience how protective he could get.

"Yeah, surprised myself too. For a minute I thought I was going to just jump in and pull her off of you."

"Glad you didn't..."

"So, maybe next time you could trust **me** to be the one that could actually help you out?" Jay was a tiny bit offended that she had wanted Kevin to go in first, although he understood the reason for that.

At least he thought he knew.

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I wasn't sure how **I** was going to handle it if you'd come in. We haven't had a situation like this since we're together, so... I don't know. I was afraid I would only want to curl up into a ball of surrender in your arms or protect **you** from Sara...", she stated.

Jay pulled her against him one more time:

"I'm glad things turned out okay."

He thought that a few months earlier they would probably have gotten into an argument on how to handle that case correctly instead of being worried sick about one another.

"How on earth did you get here so quickly?" Rianne asked suddenly, causing Jay to cast his eyes down to the floor for a second.

"That's actually a pretty tragic coincidence," he whispered, his voice a little thin.

Knowing Rianne wouldn't be satisfied with a half-ass answer to that he told her about Kim. Her eyes went wider with every word he added, but her whole posture ultimately changed from being holed up in his arms to standing up straight and kicking back into doer-mode:

"So let's go check on them!"

"You sure?"

"Why not?"

"Because you've just been in a stressful situation and maybe you should get yourself looked at…"

The moment he said it he already knew what her response would be, but he still had had to try.

"Jay, I'm good. This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. I want to check on Kim and Adam!"

He didn't dare to get into a discussion with her about this, seeing himself in her need for immediate distraction, the need to go on, not stop for too long, not dwell on the topic at least for now. Others were more important. Jay was preparing for a repeat breakdown later though.

* * *

When they walked back into the E.D. of Chicago Med they immediately ran into Adam. He looked like he'd been without sleep for several days just being in this situation for as long as he had been today; his hair messed up, dark shadows under eyes that looked incredibly sad. Rianne held her breath, almost not daring to ask:

"Adam, I am so sorry...How's Kim?" she croaked out, feeling her own emotions well up inside.

Please let them be all right, please let them be okay. Adam let her hug him and reach up to his cheek, wiping at the traces of tears that seemed to never really leave these past hours.

"Thank you, she's out of surgery, seems that they were able to save the pregnancy for now, but she has to stay for a few more days for observation. They said not to get our hopes up too much, it could still go either way. I can't really begin to understand how all of this happened..." He backed away from her, trying to keep himself in check, breathing heavily and looking up at the ceiling for a moment.

Rianne cringed at the sight of him. She knew everything he felt right now all too well, she had been there.

"Can we go see her?"

Adam couldn't answer, he just took her into his arms again and held tight, almost throwing her off balance. For a second time today someone else's grief fell onto her like a heavy blanket. Adam was in dear need of a friend and a shoulder to cry on too. Rianne really hoped all of the team had this. She exchanged a look with Jay, who patted Adam's back, jaw muscles clenching at holding back his own feelings, still watching her with concern as well.

"You can go in for a minute, I… I have to make a few calls, so actually I'd be glad if you kept her company…" Adam finally managed to say.

"If you don't want to be alone, feel free to call or come over at any given time, right?"

She hoped to speak on Jay's behalf too, when she said: "Our door is always open!"

Rianne made sure he met her gaze to see that she was serious about that offer, then kissed him on his cheek and let him go.

"Hey, what happened to your face?" Ruzek called after them, but Rianne just let it slide, not really wanting to explain everything to anyone again.

A minute later she tentatively knocked on the door Adam had pointed them to:

Kim looked like hell, face badly bruised, arm in a sling. Her eyes were bloodshot and kind of empty, still there was a hint of surprise in them when she saw Rianne and Jay enter the room.

"Hey, you mind if we join you for a minute?"

"No, come on in," Kim's usually so up-beat voice was small and flat.

Rianne's heart ached and began to beat a little faster. Her therapist would be so proud of her, about to offer consolation to a woman who had just come close to the experience that had almost destroyed her. A woman who was maybe still going to experience the same thing if her luck turned for the worse. There she had been crying over a girl who had gone rogue, when someone else was fearing for the life of their unborn child.

"We ran into Adam, I hope you don't mind us checking in real quick."

"That's very nice of you!"

"How you're doing?"

"I've been better… seems you didn't have such a happy day yourself," Kim managed a half smile, nodding to Rianne's face.

"Yeah… rough day at the office!" she tried to joke.

This special awkward silence one only ever experienced in hospital rooms engulfed them for a moment. Jay looked like he didn't know what to do with himself or what to say as well. Rianne finally cleared her throat:

"Kim, I don't know if Adam ever told you, because he knows I don't like to talk about it that much, but I know what you're going through right now."

The hope, the anxiety, the fear that every moment the bad news would finally break, that this baby wouldn't make it after all. Rianne tried to ban those thoughts from her mind, just focus on Kim's situation. This was not her in that hospital bed. The outcome could still be good.

"Yeah, I know… Adam and I we weren't together anymore by then, but still… Oh my god this must be so terrible for you right now!"

Kim grabbed her hand when she connected the dots and Rianne thought it was weird, because she was the one offering support, not the one that needed it.  
But people always found a way to deflect. Or maybe **she** was the one deflecting?

"It's alright, don't worry. Just, ... I know all about that unbearable pain, the uncertainty? So, if you ever want to talk to someone who knows exactly what crazy and irrational thoughts come to one's mind in a situation like this: call me anytime, I've thought all of them!"

Kim nodded, tears threatening to spill out of her big brown eyes.

"It's all my fault..." she was fidgeting with her hospital bedding.

Rianne knew she wouldn't be able to take all those toxic thoughts, the self-blame, the fear away from Kim.

Jay shuffled around in her back, seemingly uncomfortable in the face of Kim about to loose it.  
Rianne wondered what this was like for him. How this whole day had been like for him. There was still a lot he didn't know about her miscarriage, if one could even call it that at already over six months into the pregnancy. He had never pressed her about it, as usual certain that she would tell him in her own time.

"I want you to hold on to this. It's my lucky charm. Maybe it's time it moved on to someone else…"

Rianne pulled a labradorite gemstone bracelet out of her jeans-pocket, pressed it into Kim's hand, then straightened herself up again. This was as much as she had left to offer today.

Touching Kim's arm one last time in compassion she made to leave: "I'll keep thinking good thoughts for all of you!"

"Yeah, me too…" Jay cleared his throat behind her and brushed his hand against hers, silently asking to be invited in again.

Rianne let him take her hand, his touch actually keeping her in contact with reality. A part of her had been slowly wandering on the edge to slipping into feelings and emotions that belonged to the woman she had been almost three years ago.  
The door to the room opened and Adam came back in.

"How'd you do it? How'd you survive this?" Kim said when her and Jay had almost reached the exit.

Rianne turned around one more time, shrugging her shoulders:

"I think I'm still doing it. Every day…"

* * *

"I'll be going on vacation in a few days, but I will come and see how you're doing before I leave."

After seeing Kim Rianne had gone upstairs again to deal with the paperwork the incident had caused. She wanted to see what the hospital needed from her right this moment and what could wait until tomorrow. And of course to talk to Sara for a minute, if the girl was up to it.  
It was only allowed to enter the room they had brought Sara to under supervision of two staff members, but Rianne didn't care. Her only desire was to not leave things like that.

"I'd rather you don't!" The frail looking teenager now lying in a hospital bed, a little sedated and eyes droopy, answered after a while.

"It's really no bother…" Rianne started, wanting to make clear that the incident didn't change that she was still willing to be there for Sara.

But when she caught the girl's pained expression and her shaking her head with a sad smile, she realized it wasn't about that.  
Another loaded silence followed, before Sara asked:

"That your boyfriend outside or is someone here to arrest me?"

Rianne turned her head in the direction Sara was looking.  
Jay had gone to quickly check on Hailey, if she needed any assistance getting home or was taken care of. He'd promised to meet her on the psych floor after that.  
Obviously he had already finished his business downstairs and was now waiting for her outside in the hall. Pacing up and down in front of the room, still carrying his gun and wearing the star around his neck, he looked all serious and important.

"No, he is here on... uhm... boyfriend-duty."

Although not really compatible to the overall heavy emotions in the room, Rianne had to crack a little smile at the girl's observation. There was no denying the evident. Sara's next words punched her in the gut for real though:

"So, I'll guess you'll be going on that vacation with him then. And one day you two might start your own family and have your own kids and then all of us others will be less important, like last time."

Rianne wanted to protest that this wasn't true, was it? Also who had said anything about her and Jay starting a family anytime soon?  
But again Sara interrupted her, wearing a look on her face somehow wise beyond her years, so that Rianne felt like she was the 16-year-old and not the other way around:

"It's okay, it's the way it is. It's just all the more painful for me, because we're not related by blood. So I'd rather have a little more distance, don't get me wrong! You already know too much about me."

Rianne didn't know what to say. How that girl had known to hit the open children's wound right now was beyond her.  
When she left Sara's room after that exchange she felt a familiar sensation of panic and despair rise up inside of her, causing her to feel like she didn't get enough oxygen.

* * *

Rianne was as white as the hospital walls when she left the girl's room, she didn't talk to him just grabbed his arm and hurried to get out of the building.

Jay followed her lead, truly worried about her for the 100th time today. He knew she was about to crack.  
No one could just push through a day like this and be fine. Understanding that she had needed some closure he hadn't said anything when she went to see Sara again, but judging by the expression she was wearing now, it hadn't been quite as healing and conciliatory as Rianne had hoped and he still didn't really know what wounds the whole situation with Burgess had opened up.  
Needless to say he was at a loss on predicting what to expect to come from this and how exactly he could make this better.

Once they were outside, fresh air clearing their lungs, Rianne let go of his arm and fastened her step.  
Jay suspected that she didn't even notice she was running away with no goal. He had to call out to her a few times to make her stop. Then she just stood frozen to the spot, until he caught up and tentatively reached his hand, catching her waist.

She instantly burst into tears. Jay cradled her in his arms and let her cry it out, right in the middle of the hospital parking lot.

When her sobs ebbed away he ran his fingers through her hair, careful not to touch her where she had been grabbed before, and kissed her forehead. Faced with this kind of sadness his throat felt very tight as well.

"If you're still on the clock and have to go to the district again, I'll manage!"

Jay couldn't believe his ears when after minutes of being curled into one another, not caring about the icy wind that was blowing over them, she already tried to play the tough one:

"You don't get it do you? You're stuck with me, I cleared it with Voight. So let's get you home babe!"


	51. What If This All The Love You'll Ever Get?

**_"Didn't you change your name when you got married?" _ **

Even the gravestone of her son read: 'Matteo diVarese'. Jay had never heard her being referred to as anything other than 'Rianne Torres' or 'Torres Delgado'.

**_"Somehow wasn't that important to me. At least not as important as keeping the name everyone I worked with had gotten accustomed to over the years. A name that got me an 'in' with certain groups, a quite common name. Andrea wasn't pushing it. Maybe in hindsight it would have bothered me that I wouldn't have had the same last name as my kid… but I never really got the chance to regret that, did I?"_ **

"Jay? Jay!"

Staring at his computer screen now he caught himself thinking that he would indeed mind what name she carried, if they were married. It surprised Jay how important this little detail seemed to him now that he thought about it. Maybe it was just some stupid illusion, but he loved the idea that everyone could see that she belonged to and with him, to the Halstead family, to **his** family. That something had changed.

"Jay, are you even listening to me?"

**_"Am I hurting you by telling you all this? Or... I guess I am really asking: Am I hurting you, full stop?!"_ **

Was he hurt by the things that she had opened up about? Issues, calamities, stories of her past?  
Things he wasn't a part of because they hadn't known each other by then. Things she had shared with another man. Was he hurt by the fact that she was still mourning parts of a life without him? He didn't really know.

Jay could recount every word, every single syllable she had used to describe how it had been to loose her child, her little boy. He had been lapping up everything she let him in on:  
How at first after the accident everyone had been surprised that there was still a heartbeat, that the baby seemed to be okay. How hopeful she had been for a few hours that some sort of miracle would come off this tragedy. She would have given her all to hold on to this pregnancy. But when Rianne started bleeding out internally in the middle of the night, there had been no other way than to deliver the baby prematurely. In order to save **her** life they'd had to sacrifice Matteo. Matteo, who's name Andrea and her had already decided upon, who's crib had been assembled, who's clothes for the first months had been bought or gifted to the parents to be. Who's arrival everyone including Rianne and Andrea had been waiting on impatiently. What would he be like? Whom would he resemble more? This little man had been far too little and too fragile to make it. So Rianne had woken up after surgery only to find that she was no longer going to be a mother. Her body broken and empty, her mind completely at a loss as to how she should deal with this. How to pick up the pieces of a life that had been shattered into a million shards in a matter of hours.

Jay found his suspicions confirmed that she'd gotten a lot of her tattoos on her lower body-half in an attempt to cover up the scars from that night. To color them in, make them easier to look at every time she was reminded of how her heart had been crushed two times in a row within less than 24 hours.

**_"I am so angry with myself! I can't be mourning this all over again! I've been through this. And I feel so fucking selfish because one of the reason this still hurts so much sometimes is because if I at least had Matteo I would have been able to keep Andrea alive somehow. At least some part of him, you know? I sound like a crazy person, but that's how I feel sometimes…"_ **

Truth was he had been patiently waiting for the day she finally told him more about this chapter of her life. He was glad he knew now, he was. Generally he found himself curious about everything she thought and pondered on in silence, wether in her darkest or brightest hours.  
Nevertheless he hadn't expected to feel this little splinter of jealousy sticking with him in an odd way.

Andrea was a ghost that had walked with them from the very beginning of their relationship. A ghost that especially walked with Rianne through her every-day, came and went unannounced. Jay had known that before, he accepted it and most of the time it didn't bother him, because he too had ghosts that accompanied them from time to time. Ghosts of people that weren't even all dead. But it never had been as evident and tangible as last night: He could only ever be a spectator of her past, read up on it as far as she would let him, but he could only go so far with her. There would always be parts that belonged to another world.

And with her there would always be this big "what if" of something:

Something he felt out of his depth about. Something he couldn't even imagine what it felt like, because he hadn't had the chance to experience that yet. Something meaningful, something she had been looking forward to with another man before him. Something he wasn't sure he could ever give her and if she would ever be ready for again: Creating a new life, bringing a new human into this world. Honestly he didn't really know what it felt like to be married! Like not LasVegasDrunkMarried, but married-married, almost ten years of relationship married.

"Jay!" Someone shook his arm now forcefully.

He hadn't noticed that he had completely spaced out, lost in his thoughts about last night and everything it had stirred up.  
Maybe Hailey had been calling out to him before, seen as she gave him a puzzled look from where she was hovering over his desk. Jay quickly blinked his eyes at his surroundings, facing her fully, trying to look alert:

"Sorry, what?"

"I asked if you wanna go for lunch, get a break! You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good… Just… didn't catch much sleep last night…"

When he saw her forehead turn into worried frown-lines he added: "Not like you think, it was because …"

She was probably thinking that he'd been having trouble sleeping again. That he was still not doing okay.  
Jay would have wanted to elaborate and explain it to Hailey, but then he didn't know how and what exactly was appropriate to say without betraying Rianne's trust.

Certainly not:

'I am tired because I spend last night in a graveyard with my girlfriend talking about the loss of her child and then watched her sleep until dawn because I was worried about her and now I am trying to prepare myself for whatever this means for us in the future!'

Seen as he suspected Hailey still wasn't a big fan of Rianne, or maybe just not a big fan of him and Rianne being together, or him being in a relationships and spending less time with his unit off-work, less time with her as his friend and partner, he kept the reason behind his tiredness and distraction to himself.

Trying to snap out of his thoughts he got up from behind his desk, put on his jacket and beanie and nodded at Hailey:

"Actually I'm starving, let's go get that lunch!"

Jay was glad that she just let it go and followed suit.

**_"We're two perfect messes, aren't we?"_ **

Rianne's words still echoed in his ear when Hailey and him clattered down the stairs.  
Words she'd uttered as they had been sitting in his truck after visiting Matteo's grave, wipers swiping away the driving sleet that kept falling. She with her bright red knitted headband covered in icy snowflakes, cheeks and the tip of her nose rosy, summer freckles paling on her winter skin, long lashes wet from their time outside and some tears.

Jay would never stop losing his breath whenever he found her looking back at him with that vulnerability, with that little smile that could hide so much pain not many suspected was there. She always wanted to appear strong and as if she couldn't be hurt by anyone, but Jay knew that wasn't true at all. There was so much fierceness and tenderness inside her at the same time, nothing in between.  
Those raw emotions shared with her over the last couple of months had completely changed the way his heart beat. He found he couldn't unlove her, not now, possibly not ever. Whatever baggage they were unpacking together, however much it was making his skin itch and his head spin. Sometimes it terrified him to realize what he was willing to do for her.

* * *

"Here's your key back. Successfully raided my own boxes in your closet and got the cat settled in!" Rianne handed Stella back her belongings.

Then she glanced around at the well-packed Saturday night Molly's scenery, almost not able to believe that the day was finally here to drink to the beginning of her vacation.  
Rianne had successfully made it through the rest of the week, happy it was done, but seriously beat. She'd been clearing a whole lot of paperwork from off her desk yesterday, got another social worker assigned to Sara's case asap, went last-minute gift shopping today and had just taken Límon to Stella and Severide's place so that the cat could get accustomed to his part-time holiday vacation home. Also she had collected some of her summer-clothes that her friend had stored away for her.

"Wouldn't have needed the key though. Casey was home and Brett too. Looked like I interrupted something there. Did anything happen you didn't tell me about?"

Those two kept being the number one 'slow burn question-mark' couple in their orbit. Stella and Rianne had bets going on when something would actually transpire and who would be the one to make the first move.

"Nope, not that I know of. Same old chummy friends with no hidden agenda as usual…" Stella rolled her eyes to the ceiling in sarcasm, placing a glass of red wine in front of Rianne.

"But Brett's recently gotten a letter from her birth-mum, so maybe that's what she went to talk to Casey about."

"Oh, wow, this is huge!" Rianne exclaimed, letting this new information sink in.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

This wasn't a good time to be chatting, because Stella had to keep moving up and down the bar to take orders and deliver them. She was a little swamped. Seeing as she had a better chance to keep talking to her friend if she was behind the bar too, Rianne offered to help out for a while although being dead on her feet.  
They worked in sync, side by side, until things slowed down and they could get back to a relaxed work-and-talk-mode.

"Did you see the enormous Christmas tree in our living-room?" Stella beamed at Rianne from over the beer pump.

"Most definitely! I must say I was a little jealous. Perfect spot to leave my presents for you guys though. Who's idea was it?"

"Actually Kelly's. Can you believe it? He said to mark the occasion of our first Christmas living together…"

Stella's face lit up and Rianne felt her insides go all warm and mushy too. It was nice to see her friend so happy.

"Uh, look at Severide trying to get into your good graces…," Rianne raised her own glass at Stella and took a long sip, somehow wishing she was having this drink at her father's in Argentina already.

Now that the time was here she really just wanted to pack up and leave, hating to have to go through all these good-byes. It felt like dragging out the ambivalence she felt to leave all her favorite people at the most magical time of the year by talking about how they would spent their holidays. Rianne would have loved to stay and get cosy, the cold weather conditions perfect for just snuggling up, press pause, enjoy the spirit and get into the mood with some free time on her hands. She hadn't really figured out why she had never managed to bail and just stay in Chicago, go against Torres family traditions. It wasn't as if she did what her family expected of her throughout the rest of the year, so maybe this was something she felt she owed to her abuela somehow: At least come home for Christmas.

"I wish you wouldn't leave for almost two weeks right now!" It was as if Stella had somehow read her thoughts.

"Maybe one day… one year we can manage a 'FriendsMas', not only 'Friendsgiving'."

With no family of her own this was what Stella had been talking about ever since they'd befriended each other. In a way it was what she and her firehouse friends did every time they were on shift over the holidays. But Rianne knew this was not what Stella was talking and dreaming about in her heart of hearts:

"Would be nice don't you think? All of us loved-up couples… having a big party here at Molly's… drinking, dancing, exchanging Secret Santa gifts… Cooking a big dinner, doing all those lovely decorations together, go out sleigh riding with everyone on Cricket Hill or Soldier Field, take some mulled wine with... I would love it!"

Her friend was thinking about kids running around too at one point. She was glad Stella didn't say that out loud though, respecting her feelings on the topic, especially after last week. They'd been talking a lot over the phone about what happened with Sara and Kim.  
In the face of everything that had transpired over the last days, really the last weeks, Rianne was finding herself in a different mood every day. A mixture of very happy and excited for things to come and then again sorting through feelings and emotions that were trying to fight their way to the surface again that weren't all that pleasant. A little wistful, reflective spirit wasn't uncommon for her at the end of the year. So maybe a clean break and a change of scenery wasn't so bad after all, although she knew she was taking herself with her everywhere she went.

"Your freckled-faced angle coming here tonight?"

Rianne smiled to herself hearing Stella call Jay that. She had come up with that endearment in front of him a few times and it was driving Jay nuts. He kept protesting that he wasn't anything remotely close to an angel. Honestly that word didn't really come to Rianne's mind when she thought about Jay. To her he was a heady combination of a savage and a gentleman with the ability to make her feel safe and calm as well as excited and very alert. But Stella was convinced otherwise.

"I don't think so. They're still in the middle of a case I hope he stays out of as of tomorrow!" Her face turned serious, a thought implanting itself in her head she hadn't been able to shake for a few hours:

"I'm afraid he's getting cold feet."

Stella pushed her curls out of her face and tapped her forehead:

"Sweetie, that man went to a cemetery with you in the middle of the night without batting an eye! Why would you think he's getting cold feet?"

That evening when they had left the hospital Rianne had been able to blend out her spiraling thoughts with the help of some whiskey laced tea, some boring documentary on tv and Jay's arms tightened around her, only to find herself antsy and wide awake a few hours later.

In the past Rianne had found that whenever a monster-wave of sadness and grief washed over her, her inner instinct was to frantically swim up to the surface and try to get to the shore under any circumstances. Keep swimming, don't drown. Not ever again did she want to be held down by depression. There was no way she was going to lay staring at the ceiling, thoughts and feelings swirling around uncontrolled, waiting for it to pass. Rianne had to actively do something, face her grief that was waving at her from afar like a well-known acquaintance.

Jay had instantly caught on to her agitated state and she had just loved him for putting on some clothes as soon as she had told him what she wanted to do, taking his gun and badge for good measure and getting them in his truck. No discussion, not questions asked, just knowing that if she invited him to come along it was enough for him to trust her that she needed to do this now.

"I don't know, I just hope I didn't lean on him too heavily!"

After pouring her heart out to him in the dark, in terrible weather, letting him in on things revolving around the loss of her child that she hadn't told him about until now, that she might have never shared with anyone else before, Jay had gotten her home and back to bed again. He had been holding her so tight that she couldn't move and when her body began to struggle against these boundaries when first drifting off to sleep, he wouldn't let go until she had kind of exhausted herself. Until she could let go because she rested assured in the knowledge that nothing could harm her as long as he had her close to his heart. That feeling of being curled up in his arms, the soft caress of his breath in her neck, the steady rise and fall of his chest pressed against her back, she couldn't even begin to describe how much this felt like home already. He would keep the demons away from her. He would help her bury her darkest secrets and thoughts and not judge so it seemed.

Maybe it wasn't exactly cold feet, but something was definitely up.  
Jay had been a little distracted yesterday when Rianne had told him that he wouldn't be the only 'plus one' on this holiday and in good company, because her aunt and uncle from LA and her two cousins were coming too, bringing their men along. She had thought that it would maybe help to know that they wouldn't be alone with her father all of the time, calm his nerves about that, but Jay had barely reacted to this information.  
Also he hadn't been quite as invested in packing their suitcases and making schedules for their time away together as she had been. She pinned it on the stress of his last days at work and that he didn't seem to be a big fan of getting organized for a trip, but there were still some lingering doubts that this was due to something else entirely. At the very least Jay seemed to be even worse than herself when it came to drawing the line concerning work.

" **You** leaning on him too much? I don't think so. Give the guy some credit, he's got broad shoulders! Besides: I think he needs you to need him a little!"

"I do not only need him a little, I… he has completely redefined what it means to be happy, to feel… all these crazy things… and all of this in a matter of weeks, months… sometimes I think he doesn't even realize what he does to me. I mean how can someone who was a complete stranger mean the world all of a sudden?"

Ok, maybe Jay hadn't been a complete stranger, but Rianne definitely wouldn't have thought this was possible. Like thinking back to last year sitting here with Stella she never would have predicted this, never even saw it coming. Wasn't this sort of the best kind of love there was? The unexpected one?

"I really don't know how I ever hated him…"

"Bullshit, you **never** hated him! You were just afraid," Stella lightly swatted her behind with a dishrag while passing Rianne to get some fresh glasses from the shelves.

"Afraid of what?"

"Of this! This messy, frantic, consuming love, to be this attached to someone again… You were afraid to lose your cool, your independence, maybe have something to lose again! **But** like I told you before: You weren't made for nice, mediocre, comfortable, no-strings-attched, baggage-free! And maybe you two don't have it as easy as ordinary couples, but this is no ordinary love **and** ... just because I am in a very Christmassy mood one more calendar motto for free only for you to mull over: 'The universe sends us exactly what we are ready for at the exact time we need it in our lives!' Gosh, I can't tell you how curious I am to see where you guys stand after your trip… what the new year's got in store for all of us…"

"Right… first we really have to make it out of Chicago!"

Rianne would only believe it when they sat on that plane together tomorrow night and Stella surely was in a very Christmassy mood, almost bordering on annoyingly, highly-charged happy.

* * *

"So... I guess I'll be bringing your plane ticket to the station on my way to the airport then, seeing as you aren't back here yet…"

Jay rubbed his face in agony. He'd known it would come to this and he was sure Rianne had been too. Ever since he hadn't be able to stay home this morning, telling her that it was important to finish up the case as they hadn't been able to completely solve it last night. He couldn't leave his unit hanging right now.  
Rianne hadn't argued with him, although their flight was leaving tonight. Her eyes surely had spoken lengths on how she really felt.

And now? He would be lying to himself if he said he had forgotten all about time. In fact he had been very aware of the tick of the clock, very aware that he was cutting it not only short but making it impossible to get back home at their agreed upon time to leave for Chicago O'Hare. That time had passed by now, thus this uncomfortable phone-call.  
It was ridiculous! Every rational fibre inside him told Jay it was all bullshit and self-destructive what he was about to do, but he couldn't seem to stop it from happening.

"You know we're still in the middle of this…"

It kind of was the truth, but no one would have argued that he couldn't leave. It was him that couldn't let go. He never should have gone into work yesterday to begin with, but he'd had left-over paperwork to do and when a homeless men being missing had turned into a homicide investigation, he hadn't been able to butt out. And now he just couldn't draw a final line either although he knew he was pushing Rianne's patience and sympathy pretty hard.

With Kim still in the hospital and on pregnancy leave they were a woman down as it was. Hailey was still suffering from her broken ribs, but trying to push through. Adam was thoroughly distracted from time to time because of Kim and the baby's health, so Jay was feeling overly responsible to help them until the very last minute. He didn't really deserve to go on a vacation when everyone around him was miserable and stressed out, did he?

Part of him knew that this wasn't all there was to it.

What if he didn't know who else to be other than a Chicago police officer? What if he would crack if he hadn't his usual perimeters around him? His last time in a foreign country, his last holiday: It had certainly been a while.  
Somehow he danced dangerously close to the edge of a PTSD-reaction. His usual trauma-response: Keep busy and keep distracted to not acknowledge and feel what was possibly waiting for him if he slowed down. The closer that prospect of a break, leisure time and change came, even though he wanted to want that, had honestly looked forward to that, fear was suddenly reigning over him, creating some sort of brain-fog.

Jay heard Rianne distinctly swallow at the other end of the line. Her silence was creeping him out, his heart already in his throat, dreading her reaction and ultimately hating himself for doing this to her.

"Maybe I'll have to take a later flight…"

The minute he heard the words leave his mouth like an automatism, he knew it was not good. Rianne should have been yelling at him or say something insulting right now. Her calm and silence was worse. Jay couldn't really deal with that disappointment and hurt, he closed his eyes when he heard her take a deep breath:

"Right. If this is where you think you need to be now Jay, I can't stop you!"

Then she ended the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry, but not sorry for the cliffhanger! I just love those too much. Have the next chapter kind of mapped out though, so I think it won't be a whole week before I am able to post again.


	52. Security Check

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just because it was Valentine's Day yesterday and I love you guys so much for rooting for Rianne and Jay, complementing and following the story: Here's a quick update! Let's see how this make-or-break situation is going to turn out for them!
> 
> Chapter Title "Security Check" by Sophie Hunger

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

To find one's suspicions and forebodings confirmed wasn't always as satisfying as being able to say "See? I was right all along!" to a friend you've had differences of opinion with. On the contrary:

In this case it was certainly just disenchanting and disruptive. This was not what Rianne had pictured the start of her first vacation with Jay to look like, in no way how she had imagined her first major holidays in a new relationship to turn out.

She shouldn't have had to be driving to the airport alone, listening to happy Christmas songs on the radio that it was making her teeth hurt. Rianne would have wanted to find out what Jay's favorite song was and annoy the hell out of him by singing along loud and dramatically. She shouldn't have to be just thinking that it was weird being clad in a thick winter coat, UGGs and a woolen hat now and looking forward to jumping in a pool the next day, probably ending up in flip flops pretty much everyday. She had wanted to hear Jay's amused chuckle while she shared her thoughts and him saying that he was looking forward to seeing her in that retro bikini. It would have been nice standing in line for check-in, snuggled up against his tall frame, joking and flirting while people watching, slowly letting go of all the stress and hassle of the past days. They should have left that behind together at security check and then slowly shed worry after worry the closer they got to boarding the plane: While having a late night coffee at some overpriced airport Starbucks or lots of unhealthy snacks, throughout her making fun of Jay because he would still keep eyeing everything and everyone with his serious detective eyes. During him steering her safely around the place with an arm around her waist or over her shoulder, always anticipating in advance when she wasn't watching her step and pulling her back so that she wouldn't trip or run into something or someone. Because that was what Jay did: Trying to even out the fact that she could be a real klutz on occasion.

All through the process of getting checked in Rianne dragged her feet, doing everything in slow motion to give Jay all the chances in the world to catch up with her after all. It seemed stupid, but something inside her refused to give up hope yet, although she knew hope could be a tricky sentiment.  
Jay would only have to do a quick check-in, as they had packed a big suitcase together that she had already with her as well as the second one with all the gifts. With him not present she had to give that up for an additional charge, but she didn't mind if it meant she still got him by her side at the end of the day.

If he didn't make this flight there was no way he was coming at all. She just knew that.  
A little voice in the back of her mind was telling her she should have pushed him more and applied to his guilty conscience to get him to drop work for her. But Rianne knew she couldn't have done that for several reasons:

a) She never wanted to be **that** girlfriend: the pushy, needy one, begging someone for something

b) Parts of her understood where he was coming from and that he felt obligated to his team and that case as long as it lasted

c) he was a grownup man and didn't need her to tell him what to do or talk him into things he obviously didn't want to do, neither was she his therapist needing to coax things out of him and

c) If he hadn't figured out by now how important this trip was for her, for them, maybe this told a whole different story about Jay she had to take into account.

Rianne felt her heart slowly building a protective wall as well as anger and frustration rising the longer he kept her waiting without even a hint as to what was going on.

* * *

Jay was stuck, mostly inside himself. At the end of the day he had tangled himself up in such a frenzy of thoughts, inner conflicts and contradictions, it wasn't pretty.  
He really should have been on his way to the airport by now and he even could have made it on time, but he kept tripping himself up.

Intelligence had managed to take a high-ranking criminal into custody and actually solved the murder of that homeless man. But instead of packing up and taking care of his private life for once, Jay found himself back at Chicago Med.  
Just when he had finished processing Eduardo Salazar's girlfriend and got in his truck, contemplating to kick his ass into gear enough to catch up with Rianne, he had gotten a call from Hailey.

Her and Rojas had been trying to bring back Sammy, the mentally ill kid who had witnessed said murder and escaped the psych ward Rojas had put him in. A high pressure chase and showdown in a supermarket followed where Rojas had shot Sammy to protect innocent bystanders, believing he still had a gun. It turned out he hadn't.  
Hailey had asked Jay to check on the kid at Med to calm down Rojas, as they were still stuck at the scene, having to wait for the crime lab and Voight.  
It was a welcome opportunity to stay in his escapism: sticking to things he knew in his sleep - working a case, checking up on leads, doing his partner a favor by getting her information on how the kid was doing, while she tended to Rojas. The silent voice that chided him he was absolutely kidding himself was once again ignored.

As long as he was waiting on an update on Sammy, Jay decided to go see Kim.  
She was in another room by now, resting up, trying to keep her and Ruzek's offspring safe by staying as still and inactive as possible.  
Kim made big eyes when she saw him enter, sitting up in bed a little straighter and combing her fingers through her hair:

"Jay! Now that's a surprise!"

Before he could say anything she added a frightened: "Something happen to Adam?"

"No, no… sorry to scare you like that. He's fine. He and Voight actually caught someone from the FBI's "most wanted" list, so he should be happy how his day turned out."

It said a lot that she thought he would just come see her if something happened to Ruzek. Or maybe it was just his super serious face today, giving her the wrong impression.

"Oh, right… Good! So... this is a social call!" Kim visibly relaxed back into her pillows.

"Yeah, wanted to see how you're doing."

She actually looked a lot better than four days ago, the bruises on her face healing up, her eyes more alive and hopeful.

"Thanks! I'm much better, I also feel quite popular: Torstead two times in one day….

"Torstead?" Jay was a little confused, who or what was that?

He pulled up a chair, because he didn't want to sit down on her bed, it would have been far too intimate. Just standing around, towering over her felt a little weird too. In the end he went over to the windowsill and leaned up against it, noting he was too wired to sit still right now anyway. It was as if a clock was ticking constantly in his head and a big part of him was trying to ignore it.

"Yeah, you know: Torres and Halstead - like all those kids give their favorite ships a nickname these days, consisting of a combination of their names? Thought I'd make one up for you two. Halgado works as well. Haven't found any other good combinations yet…"

Jay must have raised his eyebrows higher and higher listening to her talk, not getting where she was coming from, because Kim snorted a little self-deprecatingly:

"See how bored out of my mind I am?"

"Are **we** one of your favorite 'ships'?" Jay chuckled a little uncomfortable.

"Of course! Been rooting for you two since day one!"

Jay wondered when day one had been in Kim's timeline, but he let it slide: "So... Rianne came by today?"

Saying her name out loud was a little more painful than he had anticipated seen as he was knowingly sabotaging his relationship right now.

"Yeah, this morning! Brought me a Christmas present and kept me occupied for a while. We talked a lot about my current roommate in here..." Kim pointed to her still flat belly.

"So how's he or she doing?"

"Okay so far. They did a few more tests and a blood panel. Turns out we're having a little boy if all goes well…"

"Oh wow, congratulations, that's so good to hear…"

A boy! How would Rianne feel about that, Jay thought. Did she already know? What the hell was he still doing here?  
Kim seemed to have caught on to his distraction and tense pose, crossing his arms and ankles.

"What time is it?"

"It's … almost a quarter past seven!" He didn't even need to look at his watch, he knew off-hand.

"Doesn't your flight leave at nine, nine-thirty?"

"Yes… but I actually had to check on something for Hailey, so I'm running a little late…"

"You're running a little late?" Now it was Kim's turn to raise her eyebrows at him and he found he couldn't answer her directly.

"Jay it's more likely that you're going to miss your flight! How does Rianne feel about that?"

"She... she said that..." Yeah, what did she actually say about that?

"She's fine, she understands…" Great, he should never have come in here, now he was outwardly lying to an injured woman's face.

"Man, I hate to tell you this, but that's crap! Of course she's not fine with it!"

Jay's eyes shot up to meet Kim's, surprised at the vehemence in her tone. How again did he got to talk with Burgess about his relationship-predicament right now? Hearing her say out loud what he already knew made him cringe. She obviously thought he was an immature simpleton the way she was looking at him:

"Maybe she's not lying to you on purpose. But she also knows that putting pressure on you wouldn't have worked either, so what is she supposed to do?"

Jay hung his head a little. He knew all that and although he had come here to see how Kim was health wise he found himself talking about his emotional turmoil instead, at least the part he could explain somehow:

"I, ehm... fuck, I started to realize I have never done this before… spent Christmas with another family? A vacation? Do you know how long ago it's been I took one of those? Almost two full weeks?"

Honestly he couldn't even remember the last real family Christmas he had had. And that was only half of the reasons he was still here and not next to the most gorgeous woman in his world, sipping triple espressos or whiskey in an airport lounge.

Kim still looked at him as if he was a complete idiot. She certainly couldn't see the problem:

"So what? This could be the first time out of many times you get to do this or the last time you get the chance to do it, who knows? How bad can her family be? And you're not **that** bad with people. Hell I would switch places with you in an instant..."

"It's not about her family, it's just..."

_'I am not sure I am good at this. That I can fulfill her expectations... Maybe there's gonna be so much peace and quiet I'm afraid it's going to freak me out, that I don't know what to do with myself...'_

Kim didn't let him say any of it: "Sometimes you just have to jump! Not think about the outcome so much in advance and save yourself the energy! Honestly I wish I was better at that myself!"

Jay managed a half smile at her joking about her own love for structure and routine, not one for spontaneity all the time either.

"The only reason for you not to rush to the airport and get on that plane that I'll accept is if you don't love her and think this is a bad idea!"

" **Of course** I love her!" He didn't have to think about that.

"Then don't go breaking her heart and yours in the process! Jay, you deserve to have something real good come out of this year!"

And what a year it had been! Kim was right, but he still wasn't so sure about the deserving part. Thankfully he seemed to have people in his corner who believed it for him.

He shortly squeezed Kim's hand before he left the room and nodded at her: "Merry Christmas you two!"

* * *

Will couldn't believe his eyes when he left the doctor's lounge and stumbled upon his brother's frame, mouching about in the hallway. Jay was switching between fumbling around with his phone and looking up at the ceiling, walking around in agitated circles.  
He quickly checked his watch before marching up to Jay determinedly and without hesitation, to give him a piece of mind. He had got to be kidding him!

When his brother turned around and acknowledged his presence Will went straight for the kill, not even giving Jay the time of day he was so pissed off:

"What on earth are you still doing here? I thought you'd be on your way to Buenos Aires by now…"

Jay rolled his eyes up to the sterile white ceiling: "Oh well, here we go!"

Will knew exactly what his little brother was thinking, but he didn't care, summoning him to lay out the reason for his presence at Med. Jay did so with a long sigh. The tiredness in his features betrayed his outward annoyed appearance and spoke of a pretty guilt ridden inner state:

"Yeah, I should, but I promised Hailey to go check on a young man that was brought into the ED with a gun shot wound. Rojas was the one who injured him and…"

If it was even possible Will's fury increased at hearing Jay try to explain, obviously fooling himself. He couldn't let that happen:

"Jay seriously? You called me a knucklehead once, now **I am** telling you: You're a damn knucklehead! She won't forgive you for this! Let someone else handle this and take off!"

"But she said…"

"Dude - she's a proud woman: go figure! Now hurry up and I'll call Hailey with an update as soon as I get one…"

"Will, it's okay, I…"

The dismissive hand movement accompanying his brother's words was too much for Will. He didn't let Jay finish, but violently pushed against his chest, finally losing his patience with him. His brother's back landed pretty hard against the hospital wall. Also a way to knock some sense into him:

"Why are you denying yourself the thing you know you very well need most of all right now? This isn't healthy Jay!"

For a minute he saw something flash in Jay's eyes that resembled something like anguish and distress, but then it was gone. Only the quick intake of breath spoke of Jay's agitated state. But instead of pushing back at him like Will would have expected him to do he suddenly seemed distracted by a figure behind Will, so the older Halstead took a step back to turn around. He saw that Adam had come along the hallway, obviously on his way to see Kim after his shift. Ruzek threw his arms up in irritation when he saw Jay and Will standing around:

"Jay! Bro, I thought…"

"Save it Adam, not you too!" Jay raised his hand to shut him up, seeming fed up with people being up his ass and telling him what to do, sticking their noses into his business, something Will knew he had never liked.

A vein pulsated dangerously under his brothers right eye, but the redhead wasn't finished with his lecture, gladly roping in Adam to team up against Jay. With his brother's pigheadedness and obstinacy he needed all the help he got to get through to him.

"My brother thinks Rianne will understand that he's bailing on their Christmas vacation because he's the most important member in all Intelligence!" Will sneered.

"Have to give it to you straight man: You're not irreplaceable!" Adam shrugged with a smile, then shoved Jay a little by smacking his arm:

"Seriously though: Don't blow this with her man! Let me tell you from recent experiences: This job? It's not all there is!"

Will felt the air around the younger Halstead turn aggressive now:

"Seriously: One of you is gonna get punched in the face if you don't stop pushing me around!" Jay had that mad streak in his eyes that appeared whenever he felt cornered.

Ruzek held up his hands and backed up two steps: "Okay, relax! We're just trying to look out for you. Jay you've always been there. You never take a sick day without being forced into it. **You** didn't get yourself suspended multiple times already, you always hold down the fort. So now, let others repay the favor. Voight's already applied for a loan-out officer while you're gone and we have no replacement for Kim. But you've long since earned your place! No one is gonna take it from you just because you're taking time off for once! Go be with your girl and quit stalling!"

"See? All excuses little brother. Will you go on your own volition now or do **I** have to carry you out of here?"

"You promise to keep Hailey in the loop?"

"Of course!"

"Alright…" Jay nodded.

Will still didn't like the almost defeated expression in his eyes, but he knew Jay would not open up about what else was bothering him. This was as far as he could push him.  
So they all slapped each other's backs, exchanged "happy holidays and merry Christmas". Will couldn't help himself to call out after Jay:

"I expect a perfect tango performance when you get back!"

He saw Jay bite the inside of his cheek when he turned around again and flipped Will off. He chose to interpret that as a loving gesture on his brother's end, hoping that he would indeed try to get a move on now and not end up doing something stupid.

* * *

She had been composing and deleting texts and contemplating calling Jay 100 times. Her texts were ranging from:

"Are you really doing this? I need you here!"

"Could you at least tell me if you've decided on staying in Chicago?"

"Are you alright? Do you need me to stay here?"

"Call me please?"

"Just fuck you Jay!"

None of those she sent, instead Rianne had succeeded in scratching and peeling away all the fancy polish off her fingernails.  
Her mood and opinion on and towards Jay's behavior changed constantly and she wasn't one to wanna look like a deranged drama queen.  
It had hit her though that she hadn't been away from him for longer than a few hours, maybe just a day or a night since Jay had been shot. She didn't want to be away from him for this long! Weren't it for her strong stubborn streak she would have considered getting off the plane, find him and bust his balls.

Another part of her wanted to burn all his clothes the minute she touched ground in Buenos Aires to not be reminded that there was someone missing, that he was missing out on the chance to be together in a whole different way than they had known up until now. To maybe slip into an even deeper bonding than they already had. Or maybe it wasn't that deep of a bond seen as it seemed so easy for him to back out of their plans.  
It was that part that was scolding the other pieces inside of her that it had to have been expected: There had to be something wrong with this kind of love. She'd let herself fall too deep. Blinded by her insane feelings for a man who was not able to put her first and to get over himself or whatever it was that was keeping her from him.

At one point the announcement "Boarding completed" rang in her ears like a sucker punch to her gut. The sudden reality of them sank in: So this was it then! No Jay on the plane. This really felt like a bad horror movie she wanted to get out of.  
Fighting for air she pulled her hat down deeper to keep herself from watching the aisle and be disappointed with every face that passed her that wasn't Jay's. The she put her sunglasses on so that no one saw that pain in her eyes as she was sure that the cracking sound of her heart breaking must have been loud enough for the whole world to hear.

* * *

Running out of the hospital building Jay stopped in front of the entrance for a minute, releasing a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

The thing they all didn't get was that this wasn't about fearing for his place in Intelligence. There was so much more to his irrational and deranged behavior, but he didn't know how to explain that. By now he was running out of reasons to stall though. He couldn't keep lying to himself or make up excuses not to leave Chicago. The only option was to explicitly decide he was staying here alone, risking to lose his girlfriend in the process and have everyone up his ass even more. Somehow he half expected his phone to light up any minute with text messages and calls from everyone who hadn't butted in until now, calling him on his shit. Somehow Rianne's and his relationships seemed to very much be of common interest.  
Even if it scared the hell out of him there was no other option he could live with than make things right and like Kim had said: Jump.

When he went to get his truck, hoping that it wasn't too late to get through evening traffic to the airport on time, a squad car came to a stop right in front of him. While he abruptly stopped in his tracks to not risk being run over, the driver's door opened and a stern looking Trudy Platt emerged.  
Jay had to blink twice to see if his eyes weren't playing some kind of trick on him. Had his desk sergeant really made it out of her cosy station? And why? What was she doing here?  
As soon as Platt laid eyes on him she already yelled:

"Burgess called me! Shouldn't you have been on your way to the airport like at least 20 minutes ago?"

"Yeah, how would you know?"

"Your girlfriend left your boarding pass and carry-on luggage with me, remember?… Said she would only believe that you're getting a break together once you're up in the air! Guess she was right, seen as you still haven't come to collect this…" She was waving an envelope at him:

"Told her she should put an ankle monitor on you next time to keep you close!"

Jay couldn't believe what was happening. At what point had everyone started caring about his private business? He had gotten the message by now: Yes, he was a bad boyfriend who didn't get his priorities in order.

"Well… thanks, but like you said: I have to hurry Sarge," he held out his hands for his stuff, ready to take off. This started to feel like running the gauntlet.

"You're never going to make it in time if you don't have some sort of police escort."

"I'll manage…" If everyone could just back off now!

"Halstead! Take the damn helping hand or I'll swear I'll put in a transfer order for you myself! To some kind of correctional facility to knock some sense into you! Hop in or God help me I'll push you into the car myself!"

For a second Jay looked between her and the squad car and his truck and was thoroughly confused. She didn't really mean…?

"Don't worry, someone is going to collect your beloved truck and take it to the car park of the 21st! Now move it homeboy!"

Platt wasn't kidding.  
Jay indeed felt like a little boy going to juvie, when he sat next to Platt on their way to the airport. It bugged him that everyone was acting like he was a little child that needed guidance, but he guessed he had been behaving exactly like that today.  
Sirens howling, swerving left and right like a pro and outrunning traffic lights, that woman would make a really good rally-driver. This was so surreal and outright bizarre that Jay didn't really get the chance to argue with her or back-pedal. Trudy downright pushed him into the airport building once she had stopped in front of it with squealing tires:

"I can't let that happen: you letting a good one get away because of pure stupidity and negligence! Now put your gun and radio in my glovebox. You're officially on private business now! I'll keep it safe for you! You wanna hold on to your badge though, seen as you might have to flash it to some airport personnel to get you on that plane on time. And now go! Have yourself some fun for once Jay! Get a tan or something!"

* * *

"Is this seat taken?"

A Hollywood-style sprint through O'Hare and some badge-flashing and charming his way through security later Jay almost couldn't believe it: He was there. Not yet on a plane to Buenos Aires, but on a plane to Dallas, their stopover.  
By trying to suppress any random toxic thoughts and keep focused on the task to get checked in on time he had really made it as the very last passenger on that flight, already getting called out over the speakers of the Airport, something that had never happened to him before.  
As soon as he saw Rianne curled up in one of his largest hoodies in a windowseat, VIP like sunglasses and hat pulled deep into her face, arms crossed and looking out the window into a dark Chicago night, he didn't know what he had been thinking.  
Obviously he had not been thinking at all! Had he seriously considered staying away from this woman? Jay was just now noticing how much it hurt him to have hurt her, because he couldn't get out of that stupid head-cage of his fast enough.

She didn't give him an answer to his inappropriate opening line when she looked up at him for a second, flinching at the Sound of his voice. Jay didn't find it remotely funny either, but he was so nervous on how to tackle this, how to get her to forgive him.  
The plane promptly started rolling towards take-off, it had been a close call. While he got rid of his bag and jacket and settled in next to her, Rianne busied herself with her scarf getting her seatbelt right. She desperately tried to avoid looking at him. A flight attendant went checking overhead cabinets and seatbelts, his girlfriend's eyes stayed trained on the window and she leaned back in her seat. Jay felt an emotional storm brewing inside of him feeling up close how bad he must have hurt her. With his hesitation, with the insecurity he had left her with, by not showing up on time. By making her question if he showed up at all.

Jay helplessly tried to swallow the lump in his throat, he was so stupid: Here he'd gone again, risking it all, for a job! A job for god's sake! Truth was: He knew it had been the one thing to keep him going for a long time. The only thing that was always there when everything else went up in flames. But didn't he at least want to explore if there was a little more to life than being a dedicated servant of the city and hanging out at his usual Chicago stomping grounds? What else than a successful career would he wanna look back on in a couple of years? What did he want to be left of you him after he was gone?

He wanted to put his arms around Rianne and say that he was sorry a thousand times, but he knew this wasn't going to cut it and he had to tread carefully.  
After Jay had taken a few calming deep breaths and relaxed back into his seat, he risked a glance over at her. She had her eyes pressed shut tightly under her sunglasses but did not succeed in stemming the tears that had started spilling out from under her lashes silently. When he carefully took her shades off and put them away, Rianne scrunched up her face and released a painful sob that increased the moisture in Jay's own eyes. Sometimes he really was his own worst enemy.

As she was still turning away from him he had to find the nerve to reach out and touch her face, preparing to have his hand swatted away. Normally he was constantly touching her without thinking about it too much. But when angry she was like a crime scene tape that read: "Danger! Do not cross!"  
He wanted her to look at him, so he cupped her jaw, leaning in closer:

"I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be. But I need you to hold my hand through this!"

"Are you really **here** with me though?" she croaked out lips trembling, after letting his words settle between them for a while.

He knew what she was insinuating and tried to put all the persuasion in his gaze that he could muster: "I promise you I **will** be!"

To say that he was completely there yet would have been a lie. Her eyes studying him intensely and appearing to look right through him were making him feel stripped bare and naked, at the mercy of her reaction.

"Please?"

"I hate you so much right now!" she snarled at him, jaw set, her whole body rigid next to his.

"I know! Believe me, I hate myself even more!" he breathed, his voice breaking, wiping away at wayward tears on her soft skin with the pad of his thumb.

Jay would have expected anything right now, for her to get up and change seats, for her to slap him across his face. Certainly he didn't anticipate her suddenly grabbing him by the collar of his sweater and kissing him, hot and bruisingly like she owned him. In a stupefied haze he held on to everything he could get his hands on: Her neck, her waist, her hair, muffled sounds of need escaping their mouths. Jay thought he really didn't deserve this, but her mouth on his, her teeth biting his lip spread that blaze through his whole body that could wipe out any doubts and irrational thoughts in an instant.

Then Rianne abruptly let him go like he was burning her, pushing hard against his shoulders and banging her fists against his chest, fury in her eyes instead of the earlier sadness. Jay audibly had to catch his breath from her attack.

"Pelotudo!"

He could totally live with the fact that she was calling him a 24-carat idiot while he could still taste her on his lips.

"This isn't over: I'm still mad as hell and you have a ton of making up to do!" She told him, then straightened up in her seat and went to watch the take-off through her window.

Along the way she offered him her hand palms up like he had asked her to, almost shyly. Jay didn't falter, locked their fingers and held on for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure how many chapters I'm going to do on Rianne and Jay's holiday. With the pandemic triggering my travel bug it might be more than one ;-) Have a good week!


	53. All Is On My Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided start you off into a new week with a new chapter. I'm sorry it took so long, but I had the opportunity to meet my 6 week-old godson for a weekend, so fiction took a bit of a backseat. But now here we go:  
> I tried to switch a little between present (which is when Rianne and Jay are on their way back to Chicago) and the things that happened during their vacation. I always like stories that tell things in a non chronological order from time to time, so I thought I'd give it a try too. I haven't figured out the whole trip yet, but this is what I can tell you so far:
> 
> Chapter Title "All Is On My Side" by Sam Fender

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

Rianne watched Jay's head gradually tilt to the side and knew that he'd probably wake with a start as soon as his chin hit nothingness, so she reached out and cradled his neck in her hand, which he turned into in his sleep. Him so peaceful and at ease was making her heart-muscles contract almost painfully every single time, just like so many things about him. That he'd closed his eyes after the lights had been switched off on the plane and was dosing now told her lots about his state of relaxation, so she had to smile when she thought back to how frustrated with himself he had been just a little over twelve days ago:

 _"I'm afraid I'm not very good at this!"_ he had almost yelled at her.

_"Good at what?"_

_"Going on a vacation? Letting loose, relax!"_

_"So? Then you're just not. Maybe we'll get into a fight over it, even lots of them and we'll take it from there!"_

_"But I don't wanna fight with you!"_

_"You forget how good we are at making up!"_

Whereas now easy and comfortable silence had settled over them on their way back to Chicago, there had been a lot to discuss on their outward flight. 15 hours travel time were a long while to talk things through. Although Rianne had iced him out conversation-wise until their stopover in Dallas and a shot of whiskey to be bold enough to say anything that needed to be said, just in case. On principle she couldn't have let him off the hook so easily. For the first hour together her whole body had been shaking all over, trying to deal with the devastating feeling that lingered how close he had come to miss that flight and leave her hanging out to dry. She wouldn't have wanted to explain that to anyone in her family, when they were already so excited to meet him.

_"What if your father thinks I am not good enough for you?"_

_"Oh, you got daddy issues now? Jay, it doesn't matter what my father thinks! I will always choose **you** over my family, shall I write it down for you?" _

She had done that for Andrea and she would do it for him all over again if necessary. Only Rianne thought that there was no need. He had survived her mum, he actually had been pretty great around her, better than she was. So her dad shouldn't be the problem. Jay had kept arguing that he knew it was different with dads and daughters. Thinking back to that long and draining argument Rianne wanted to strangle him anew for not believing in himself enough and ever doubting his abilities to win over other people by just being himself, when she had known from the start he would be totally fine.

_"Why's it so hard for you to believe and see that everyone just loves you and wants you to be happy?"_

_"Because I ask myself why? Why do they care so much? I didn't do anything special to deserve this!"_

Between crossing time zones and oceans Jay had eventually told her how everyone back home had been on his back throughout the day so that he would snap into action and get to the airport already. He seemed to be surprised that they were so invested in this. It even almost irritated him why his personal well-being and happiness were so important to them.

_"You don't have to_ **_do_ ** _anything specific for that love! You would have done it for your brother, wouldn't you? If you thought he was making a mistake, wouldn't you have tried to talk some sense into him?"_

_"Yeah, of course!"_ Jay would have probably been the first one on Will's case.

_"So, what 'special thing' did Will do to deserve your love?"_

He didn't have an answer to that, hopefully beginning to see her point.

_"There's always going to be someone who doesn't see your worth Jay! Just don't let it be you!"_

She wondered if this sort of manifest of being undeserving of other people's care was, besides other reasons, still connected to his time overseas and some survivor's guilt.  
Anyway, hearing his side and what a close call it had been, Rianne felt like she really had to write everyone, Trudy Platt especially, a 'thank you' card at least.

For a little while she had scolded herself that she had forgiven him so quickly for how he had left her to wonder if he would come at all, how he had made her question him and them even for a minute. She hadn't been able to push him away physically, rather initiated that desperate kiss, just because she had to make sure that at least his body was in it. To make sure that even though she was mad and hurt she still felt that same undeniable connection.  
Rianne pinned it on his really nice and soft slim fit sweater that he'd worn on their outbound flight, as well. They always made it so hard not to cosy up against him, touch him, eventually forgive him!  
Who could really blame her? This was the man she loved! A man sometimes riddled with doubts, with exorbitant sense of responsibility, conscientiousness as well as a whole load of self-criticism. A little bit messy, a little bit ruined. And yet there were so many things on the plus side. A beautiful disaster, in some ways just like her. Maybe real love was always chaotic.

In the end he was the only one she wanted to be by her side more than she ever wanted anyone else to be. This realization had hit her ten times over during so many different moments of this vacation. Sometimes it still intimidated her, but mostly Rianne knew it made her sparkle and glow from the inside and she wouldn't change that for another, possibly safer option.  
It was strange that only two weeks later their bumpy start seemed to belong to another universe.

What she remembered most of their last weeks together, the things she found most remarkable and herself falling in love with all over again:

By far the sound of his laugh! His carefree laugh, his resounding belly laugh, that goofy cackle that started very silently in his throat and gradually shifted into something deeper. A laugh that resounded through his whole body and hers whenever she was close enough to feel it. And she had been pretty close many times.  
His surprised laugh, when at one point he found out that she was actually afraid going downhill-mountainbiking, like 'I'll-scream-if-you-make-me-do-it' scared, but bold enough to climb on a horse with no saddle underneath her.  
His teary eyed, resulting in abdominal cramps laughter, when he was throwing the ball around with the other guys at the beach and accidentally hit her with it hard, making her collapse just when she and her cousins were in some kind of handstand challenge. She had chased him down screaming for revenge until they both landed in the sand on top of each other.  
His devious smile, when she'd told him that she really needed someone else to put sunscreen on her back, because if he kept doing it like some sort of tantra massage she'd take her clothes off right in the middle of her dad's patio and jump him.  
His amused cackle, when they were all standing around the barbecue and someone in the group cracked a silly joke that made him almost choke on the beer he was nursing.  
The way she knew he always was suppressing a snicker whenever her father pronounced his name 'Yay' instead of 'Jay'.

How he kept that freaking ugly dog of her father's entertained and himself in the process by throwing stick after stick for him, seeming to not get enough of the canine's enthusiasm for that repetitive game.  
To see how her teenage cousins Pepe and Danilo, that had arrived with her aunt Eliana and her Brazilian husband at one point, quickly had roped him into any kind of sports challenge during their stay and Jay had not once told them no, because he was of course always game and so soon their hero.  
The way she could see that cockiness and confidence seep into him again, straightening him up. Not in a rigid way, but softer, still modest and yet just as impressive.  
The way his eyes had slowly, but gradually brightened up everyday, his darkened and now even more impossibly freckled skin bringing out their color in a radiant green twinkle.  
His heat, his nightly sweat, his sex sweat, any parts of his skin on hers, the taste of salt, garlic, cigars, mate, Malbec and dulce de leche on his lips and tongue.  
A new favorite position: his head on her belly, her hand in his wet and sandy hair.  
The moments whenever he rolled over in his sleep to put his arms around her and pull her closer, sighing into her neck.  
Yeah, she guessed these were her favorite memories. That and everything in between…

* * *

**_"You don't have to be someone else for me Jay, someone you're just not! You can be messy, complicated and afraid, I don't fucking care! As long as you show up anyway! You once said whatever I do I shouldn't disappear on you! If I had pulled a stunt like you did today: You would have gone ballistics! You can't do that to me either. We can figure this out together and if you feel you can't take it you freaking talk to me and we'll be on the next flight back to Chicago or whatever it is we decide together, you hear me? But I won't accept chickening out before even trying!"_ **

And wasn't he glad that he hadn't chickened out. In retrospect he could only laugh about how he had behaved in the beginning. It was amazing what could change in such a relatively short amount of time. He had learned so much: About life, about people, about himself, Rianne, love, family and ties, differences and similarities.

But what would he remember most of his time in Argentina?

The colors! Definitely! The many different smells that were sometimes exotic to him. The unusual heat of the sun on his skin, making him sweat a lot in the beginning. Good quiet times, times to take deep breaths, the times where he didn't find his fears validated. Lots of music and laughter, people singing at any chance they got, late night talks, a lot of skin on skin moments with a girl who he still found himself falling deeper for every day.

It had certainly been a journey of senses. Everything moved in a different rhythm, time wasn't of the essence like it normally was for him every day. That had taken some getting used to in the beginning.

There was a brightness in everything he had found himself drawn to right from the start. From the very beginning where Rianne's father's driver had picked them up with a toothy smile, an old-fashioned black chauffeur cap and a sign that read: "Senorita Rianne, Senior Jay!" it had made him feel like he was in a movie. A movie with a soundtrack he didn't yet know the words to. A movie he wasn't so sure he would get, but was dying to see anyway.

On their approximately one hour drive from the airport, across the city to a gated community of the affluent neighborhood of Pilar, everything had been a contrast to what they had just left behind: humidity and warm winds instead of ice-cold gusts, palm-trees lining the streets they were passing instead of snowy hills and bald trees, European architecture instead of tall city skyscrapers, bright colors instead of fading ones. And he had seen this lightness and diversity come to life in one special person more than ever before.

Looking at the empty seat next to him and all the clutter consisting of a journal and a pen, books, a scarf and blanket, headphones and a bag of sweets, he smirked absentmindedly. This trip and their surroundings, the way of life they had been living for the last days had made her messier than ever.

Jay had gotten another crash-course in getting to know Rianne Torres Delgado in more facades than he already was familiar with. Ultimately he had come to admire that everywhere she went she never seemed or looked out of place. He wondered if this had something to do with her upbringing, never really settling down, getting to know many people, many different languages and countries at a young age, always having to adapt and to start from scratch, having to try out so many roles in order to find the one she was happiest in. Deep down she was used to being a nomad. That unrest irrevocably embedded somewhere in her bones. Rianne was so adaptable and eclectic that she was in fact many women rolled into one:

A straight-talking social-worker and a qualified trauma expert were just the professional titles she carried, but by far not all there was to her.

There was the artist within her, the dreamer, the musician, the passionate lover, the loyal friend. A person of ingenuity, someone who wore her heart on her sleeve. A networker who silently and so effortlessly organized and prepared for any scenario, because she liked to treat people to things she knew they enjoyed and it served her urge of being in control.

Getting to know the country of her father and learning all the things that connected her to it had revealed another new side: The daughter, who had been a bit of a loner just like Jay had been. Certainly not in the exact same way! In fact he was sure he would have hated her in school, because she would have been one of the rich kids, probably no one he would have made friends with. But on the inside Jay was sure she had been lonely through her childhood and teenage years a lot. More than once trying to fit in and coming up short, or having fit in and being ripped away from that again. At the very least yearning for more attention from the people who were too busy with themselves to give it to her.

Right upon their arrival at her father's estate Jay had gotten an impression on how it must have been like:  
As it had turned out her father wasn't even there. The newest maid (yes this had also made him feel like he had walked through the wrong door and a little out of place at first) had welcomed them and informed Rianne that Señor Torres Delgado and his wife Inès (pretty interesting chapter in itself) were still on a business trip and would presumably join them in the evening.  
Rianne's face had fallen for a second, but then she'd shrugged it off.

 _"Well, that was to be expected!"_ She hadn't been able to suppress this bitter comment though.

 _"I thought you said he's retired?"_ Jay could only imagine how busy he had been when in actual business back then.

_"Oh well, he's always doing something on the side I guess, I couldn't even tell you. I would have been surprised if he'd actually been here to welcome us. No need to feel bad on my behalf though: I've been spending more time with our staff than with my parents growing up anyway, so this is nothing new. Maybe that's why I've got such a big heart for the working-class… who knows…"_

The gravity of what he had almost done to her sank in when Jay understood that little something more about her childhood: In no uncertain terms Rianne had shown him over and over again that she would do everything on her own, if she had to. She was used to being disappointed and had long since stopped waiting for people to come around until she made a move or a decision for herself. Had stopped begging for attention.

Suddenly Jay had felt an unfamiliar gratitude for his own upbringing. Something no one could ever take away from him and that he tended to forget:  
Maybe he hadn't had her kind of lifestyle and the financial resources, he hadn't seen all those countries.  
Quite the opposite: Money had always been a little tight growing up. It had been enough, enough to sent him and his brother to a private school, but not that much for fancy clothes, a bigger house and holidays and eating out a lot.

However there had always been someone waiting for him when he came home from school, someone who would ask how his day had gone, someone who was making sure he was well fed, did his chores and who took him out for ice-cream and a baseball game once in a while. Someone who would get mad at him if he brought home bad grades, someone to reprimand him and try teaching him something. A promise had always been a promise, he had been able to rely on his parents, however much he had resented his father for not being more understanding and generally warmer sometimes.  
He had had his steady neighborhood. People knew him and his family, it was a tight knit community, the Halstead's were well respected. People looked out for one another and: Jay had always had his big brother! In general he had found himself thinking about his own childhood, his dad and especially his mum a lot during this trip.

Rianne had told him once: She was used to fending for herself, but he just now understood what that really must have meant for her as a little girl. The more it surprised him that she had turned out as compassionate as she had and that she was giving him a chance to make it up to her.

* * *

"Good Lord! I hate that we have to put on winter clothes again. These jeans were actually loose fit. Look at the zipper: it barely closes now!" Rianne complained when she got back from the bathroom, interrupting Jay's train of thoughts.

To be prepared for the expected draft on the airplane and the very different weather conditions when they would touch ground in the US again they had had to say goodbye to shorts and comfy wide summer dresses a few hours ago.  
Jay smiled up at her nonetheless, pulling her into his lap and away from the aisle she was currently blocking:

"I kinda like it!" He squeezed her hip for good measure, pressing his lips to hers and indulging in a heartfelt smooch before she could protest how it was unfair that he hadn't gained any weight. He himself was wondering how that was possible considering how much food and drinks and sweet stuff they had allowed themselves. Seeing her revel in the local delicacies, even the simplest ones, had been incredibly sexy though. It was like hearing her talk in Spanish passionately and notice her whole demeanor and voice change with it like she was putting on a slightly different layer, appearing in another light, definitely full-blooded and all sensual.

All in all she just looked incredibly healthy right now. Inwardly he knew she wasn't really too worried about that weight gain:

"Also those little extra reserves might actually serve you well back in the Chicago cold!" Jay added and prepared for Rianne to pinch his chest hard, which of course she did.

"Thanks a lot you little brat!" she grumbled fake annoyed, ending them in a play-fight he easily won by pinning her hands down in a tight embrace. He mostly did win those or she always let him, he wasn't so sure.

Rianne combed her fingers through his hair the moment he loosened his grip on her, smiling into his eyes teasingly:

"Think anybody's gonna even recognize you at home wild man?"

She was referring to his slightly longer hair that had begun to curl itself again a little on his forehead and the fact he hadn't bothered to shave in at least five to six days. So his usual stubble resembled now the beginning of a real beard. Despite a little sunburn on their first days he had managed to also work up a nice tan that had even surprised Jay himself. 'Trudy would be proud', he thought.

It made him think of the first time Rianne had seen him exchange his jeans for shorts and took in the color of his legs in broad Argentinian daylight:

 ** _"Oh my, you're just so damn white…"_** she had chuckled, already a shade darker than him by nature and tanning just so much easier.

**_"Are you making fun of me now?"_ **

**_"No… I was just thinking about something Atwater once said… you had a case where you were chasing a perp that was like really, really white? He told me the offender was indeed so white that he even made_ ** **_you_ ** **_look like Lil Wayne… thought that was funny! That guy however must have been an albino or something…"_ **

That comment had landed her in the pool fully clothed a few minutes later.

When they had been trying to figure things out and loosening the tension between them on their way there, Jay had asked her to try not to mother him throughout this holiday and to call him out on his shit instead. It seemed she was taking it very seriously, being as blunt and as hands-on as she usually was, teasing him at any sacrifice whenever they were alone at least. In front of her family she was first of all extremely supportive and protective of him.

He really wanted to be the person she deserved. A person who was willing to dig through his flaws for her as well as him. Someone who could consider himself blessed with a woman by his side willing to face all of his restraints and barriers full force:

**_"You need an assignment to feel secure? I can give you plenty! How about I dare you to have sex with me in all the public places we can find without getting caught? Or that I want you to wake me up with a massage every morning? I could assign you to getting to know all my father's hobbies, give golfing and polo play a shot, swim 50 lanes in the pool before breakfast every day or to play catch with the ugliest dog you will ever see, just because no one else does. Shall I go on?"_ **

This and her very agitated face while she was making an imaginary list of the things that could help him get over his 'lost without his job' issues, when they were still in the air to Buenos Aires, had elicited the first real laugh out of him. She was so adorably crazy and so serious about it!

**_"Oh, another good one: I dare you to hate this holiday so much that you will never go on another one with me again. I actually dare you to_ ** **_not_ ** **_have any fun at all!"_ **

**_"This supposed to be some kind of reversed psychology?"_ **

**_"Whatever helps you get through the day, Jay!"_ **

Creativity concerning problem solutions was certainly one of Rianne's strengths.

This whole special time together had given Jay plenty to think about, just like the little round-shaped golden thing sitting in his bag.

* * *

They really were each other's 'I dare you'.

Thinking back to the beginning and how he was now, how he had been in the end even in front of her family, reaching for and kissing her at any random moment, whenever he just felt like it (and he obviously felt like it a lot) Rianne had to smile to herself when she thought back to his inhibitions in the beginning:

Jay's astonished, maybe even unbelieving face when she had just stripped off her clothes in her father's backyard and jumped straight into the pool without getting changed into bathing gear first, just in her underwear, was forever imprinted on her mind. For her it had been a moment to behold because she felt her boldness and spontaneity take over, reminding herself what kind of a woman she was. A woman that didn't care about something so profane as a bathing suit when she wanted to get into the cooling water as soon as possible. Someone who, unlike Jay, didn't want to go get settled in and "unpack first". She rather wanted to enjoy the moments as they came.

Jay's hesitation and bewilderment had been hilarious. It had taken a little bit of convincing to coax him into doing the same.

It had also taken him a while to get used to the way her family was actually not quite so catholic when it came to openly talking about sex or the topless sunbathing even her aunts and stepmom took a part in, be it at the pool at the Buenos Aires estate or at their beach house in Mar Azul. Her mission to get Jay to fool around with her in the pool on their first day had miserably failed.

_"Since when are you so shy about it?"_

_"Since we're at your father's house! What if he comes back right now? I already made a pretty naked first impression on your mother!"_

_"But I can see and hear him from a mile away, we could always just stop!"_

_"Still… it's awkward…"_

From what she knew about Jays past relationships it had dawned on her that he had never really done that part before. He had never made that step of staying at his girlfriend's parents house, sneaking around, trying to keep it quiet and not get caught when it came to sexual activities. It had made for a priceless conversation she would tease Jay about for a long time.

_"Knowing my father he might be doing Inès every night…"_

_"Oh my god! Why would you even say that? Are you all this open about sex?"_

_"I told you my mum's even worse. In contrast to her otherwise very correct outerior she'd probably be walking around naked all the time if this was still her home."_

_"I'm sure my parents never had sex!"_

Rianne had laughed even more when she'd seen Jay's very serious face as he said that.

_"Right, so how would you explain the existence of Will and you then?"_

_"I mean I am sure they didn't have sex for fun…"_

_"You're really, really funny sometimes…"_

_"I am serious! I don't wanna imagine my parents having sex for fun, like ever! May they rest in peace!"_

_"Well, be like that darling! But I will get you to make love to me in this pool some other time!"_

Of course she had succeeded at one point, the memory still sending shivers down her spine, just where Jay's hands now tenderly held her pressed against him, already falling asleep again. Rianne tried to push the fear that all of those happy memories would begin to fade away as soon as they touched ground in their hometown again, as far away as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, next chapter you'll finally get to meet Rianne's father in person. I'm really excited too! :-)


	54. Diferentemente Iguales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for everyone who misses going on vacation, out dancing, having fun with friends without having to practice social distancing! If you have any wishes, suggestions etc. don't hesitate to let me in on your thoughts! 
> 
> Chapter Title "Diferentemente iguales" by Bebe

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!**

* * *

"I'm so sorry, but I just can't seem to stop writing…", Rianne said, slipping from his lap and over to her own seat suddenly, pulling out her pen and journal.

"Can I see?" Jay asked after a while, as usual pretty curious what she was thinking and writing about.

"It's really just little dabbles, unconnected words that maybe could be new lyrics, I don't know yet…"

She handed him her note-book, covered with wine and coffee stains, a little worn because she had stuffed it in just any bag for the last two weeks to always have it by her side in case she needed to write something down. Somehow Rianne said she had been blessed with a creative overflow. It amazed Jay how she was able to induce images in his head, feelings even, with just the pure words she used and played with, putting everything she felt and thought about in syllables that were extremely powerful, inventive and quaint. To be let in on those hidden treasures of her mind honored him.  
Next to some abstract flowery doodles there were new verses that got him choked up by just reading them:

_"I'm still healing, not yet connected again with all those loose parts of me. I need to know that I can trust myself. Even though sometimes I still feel stuck and keep on reliving my pain."_

_"…and their kisses felt like heaven. With the sweetness and innocence of teenage-love, yet like some grown-up jigsaw puzzle finally solved…"_

_"They say only fools have hope. But I'd like to be one of those. Cause those that have hope can escape all the dark shadows. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve, never afraid of tomorrow. Even though only fools have hope, I wanna be full of light and try."_

"That's just fucking beautiful!" He handed the little red book back to her and ran his fingers through her hair, loving the slight blush that spread over her sun-kissed cheeks.

"Seems you inspire me," Rianne winked at him and quickly pressed a kiss to the insides of his underarm, before taking up scribbling something down again, the gemstone on her right ring finger sparkling in the early morning light slowly sneaking its way through the clouds outside.

Jay swallowed hard, as usual when he felt himself touched by her love for him.  
He doubted that he was an inspiration to her all the time, seeing how distracted and nervous he had been in the beginning. Jay thought back to the first meeting with her family and how he had been pretty overwhelmed by those first impressions:

* * *

Jay had woken up with a jolt, struggling for a while to remember where he was. The place beside him was empty and cold, his phone telling him that it was past nine on the 24th of December, the morning of Christmas Eve. He wondered about the last time he had taken that into account so acutely.

It was still strange to look at his phone and come up empty concerning news on the work-front. No missed calls, no one wanting him to come in or keeping him in the loop, nothing to distract his brain from wandering off into possibly dangerous territory, no mysteries to solve other than this new family matter.  
There were just some Christmas greetings and 'happy travels' in his texts. Jay somehow felt left out and guilty at the same time when he sent Hailey a one-liner asking how their case had turned out and 'what about Vanessa?' He swore to himself this would be the last time he reached out to Chicago unless it concerned totally private-business.

Him and Rianne had called it an early night yesterday as tiredness from their journey had set in. They had both been drained by the heavy emotions that had accompanied them and Jay had felt a little headachy due to the extreme climate change. As Rianne claimed it would be okay to not wait for her father, they hadn't seen him and his wife return yesterday night. Despite his overall exhaustion it had been difficult for Jay to find rest, tossing and turning, too hot at first, then too cold due to the AC. His headache and shoulder cramps were keeping him up, the awkward feeling of lying in a bed in the house of a man he hadn't even met yet, somehow adding to his tension as well.  
Rianne had been out like a light the moment her head had hit the pillow. Sometimes she slept so still and soundly that he found himself checking her pulse during the night, because it was such a miracle to him. Sometime in the early morning hours he must have drifted off into a deep slumber too.

After a quick shower he went to search for Rianne and possibly her dad, finally take this first hurdle.  
The three dogs he had gotten to know yesterday were lying in front of his and Rianne's bedroom door and followed him through the house like some bodyguards. Strangely enough the three of them had stopped barking as soon as Jay entered the house yesterday and had hardly left his side since. He didn't mind, but he was astonished. When he had asked Rianne about it she had just smiled knowingly:

_"Sagacious animals. They just know!"_

Sometimes she was creepily vague, like she knew all the things he didn't and could make sense of everything, when he was still left wondering.

Rianne herself was so multi-layered and versatile that sometimes Jay tended to forget that one big part of her came from Argentina, a country he knew next to nothing about. He didn't know why, but he had imagined the home of Rianne's dad to be some kind of historic colonial-style mansion or a ranch-like estate in the 'pampa' with horses and gauchos hanging around.  
Also he had expected the dogs to be top breed creatures, but in reality they were three middle-aged, middle-height mongrels: Iago, Dali and Bandido. Really cute, but neither expensive nor a special race. Looking at Dali waddling down the steep concrete stairs in front of him he knew exactly what Rianne had meant when she had told him her father had **the** ugliest dog. His legs were far too short for his long torso, his tail somewhat stumpy, his fur was an indecisive grey brown, also a little shaggy, and one eye was always half closed. It made him think of Límon and that he could tell now where Rianne's love for strays originated from.

House-wise Jay had been welcomed by over 3,000 square feet of minimalist modern living space in an almost futuristic concrete shell, build around a slim rectangular pool where one could easily swim 25 meter lanes. Lots of glass panels and dark grey extra-large slate tiles made for a clear and clean style Jay wouldn't have expected. Carefully chosen furniture, no knick-knack, top-notch technical gadgets and just lots of space seemed to be the mantra here.  
Rianne and him had the upper floor overlooking the pool and the private garden, obscured from view of nosy neighbors by high palm trees and bushes, completely to themselves. There was a second, way smaller house on the property, that her uncle's family would occupy when they joined them today.  
Now Jay was standing in the state-of-the art kitchen downstairs with a different maid than yesterday, wondering where the hell everyone else was:

"Buenos dias!"

"Buenos dias!"

"Un café?"

"¡Con mucho gusto!" He kind of liked finding his groove with the foreign language.

But before he could wreck his brain for the Spanish words to inquire about his girlfriends whereabouts, he heard loud voices and laughter in the garden and a really big splash of someone jumping into the water afterwards, then another one.  
Jay turned and walked out onto the patio, canopied by concrete beams, to watch how Rianne and someone else were racing each other to get from one side of the pool to the other. He sipped his strong coffee and felt anticipation and curiosity rising.  
As soon as they had spotted him the two of them stopped their battle and the light bickering and climbed out. Jay held his breath, preparing to take in every second of this first encounter.

Alvaro Bautista Torres Delgado was a man that was hard to pin down. Jay would find him contradictory quite many times over the holidays. Again he didn't find his bias and imagination confirmed, just like it had been with Rianne's mother.  
Firstly he was one hell of a tall man, making Jay wonder how Rianne had turned out so tiny in comparison. The pictures Jay had seen of him hadn't really done him justice.  
Also for his sixty-five years he was certainly good in shape as Jay could see first hand, now that he was faced with a semi-naked wet frame, fresh out of the pool. At least he was decently dressed for this encounter.  
Whereas the hair on the other man's chest was certainly a lot to take in, there was almost no hair on his head as it had been shaven to a good three millimeters. Amber colored, alert eyes were mustering Jay interestedly. Those eyes were quite powerful: They had something sly about them and their light brown tone was contrasted by the olive skin of Alvaro's face, making them stand out.

"Jay, this is my dad!" Rianne explained once they had almost caught up to him, dripping water onto the concrete tiles.

"Good Morning!" A deep voice boomed over the distance left and a broad smile was plastered on the man's face, which Jay didn't know if it could be trusted, yet.

"Buenos dias, I'm Jay! Nice to meet you!"

"Welcome, welcome! So nice to finally meet you hijo!"

Son? Really?  
Jay found his extended hand not only taken, but himself being pulled in for a hug and a kiss to his right cheek - again. He didn't know when he'd get used to this overall physical proximity on first encounters. Seemingly Rianne's father didn't care at all that he got Jay's grey shirt all wet. Somehow he had expected more reservedness from an ex-diplomat. Alvaro only grabbed a towel after he had let Jay go, who cleared his throat a little to get rid of his confusion and found himself in a second wet embrace, when Rianne threw herself at him:

"Morning babe!"

Seeing her radiant smile directed at him he loved her for her ability to let go and don't hold grudges for too long. At least he felt like she wasn't still mad at him for almost chickening out of all this and certainly she didn't let him feel that he had still to make good on his promise to be there with her at some point. Of course things still were a little bit strained between them and they kept watching each other carefully, but Jay suspected that it was mostly on his part.

Right now she pressed a happy kiss to his lips, knowing he needed all the assurance he could get that she was on his side, no matter how her father would react to him:

"Sorry I didn't wake you up, but I thought you could use the rest! And then I ran into my dad and we went for a run before it got too hot…"

"I thought you didn't like working out together?" Every time he had asked her to come along to his gym she had graciously declined.

"I don't like working out with **you** , because you're always so damn competitive and I can't keep up!"

"Ah! I like that!" Alvaro chimed in:

"So, what's your best time and distance when running and how much weight are you able to push? You play soccer?"

Jay wondered how her father kept talking in a distinct and somehow funny sounding British-Spanish accent, but then again Rianne had told him that he had studied in England for a while, and that they had lived in Scotland.

"Ay, papá!" Obviously Rianne knew what was about to follow.

She let go of Jay to push against her father's chest a little and got herself a towel too.  
Jay didn't mind giving out information on the sports part. His physical fitness was something he could rely on and was kind of proud of. He wasn't really able to estimate if his answer impressed her father or not though. His counterpart just nodded and hummed, questioning him further:

"Do you golf?"

Rianne was shaking her head at him madly behind her father's back now, probably to say 'Don't answer that or it will be your funeral!'. Jay smiled, crossing his arms over his chest:

"Actually I never tried that before!"

"Oh, wonderful, then it's a date! I'll take you and the other guys out to the range sometime during your stay!"

Rianne rolled her eyes and made a dismissive hand-gesture towards her father and a strangling one towards Jay, that had him grin even wider. Her father caught on to that:

"Is she making fun of me behind my back?"

"I'm afraid so, Sir!"

"Don't call me Sir. It's Alvaro y basta! Come on let's sit. Dolores must have breakfast ready!"

Still just in his wet running shorts Rianne's dad made his way back into the villa to sit down at the dinner table, already brimming over with different breakfast offerings, fresh fruit and more coffee, not bothering to get changed first. Jay wondered how Rianne's mother had fit into this picture in the past.

It certainly helped that due to his experiences Jay wasn't one to get intimidated easily, otherwise this would have been a different matter. There would be a couple of occasions more where Jay would have to try very hard to keep an open mind in the face of all this money and luxury and not get too worried that this was a lifestyle he could never ever achieve and he didn't even wanted to. He knew that Rianne was pretty much content with way less than what she had grown up with and that other things were more important to her. But in a way he could understand how being confronted with this must have felt like for Andrea. Especially as her husband seemed to have been less lucky on the job front, not able to bring a well respected employment to the table at least.

Nevertheless it was an easygoing conversation throughout breakfast, mostly about covering all the basic things there were to know about Jay, although he found that Rianne's father was better informed than her mother had been. He did catch on though to an underlying annoyance on Rianne's part whenever her father posed a question she had obviously already given him the answers to. Pretty soon Jay noticed what this was all about:

Alvaro got distracted easily. Whereas he was sure that Rianne's mother still could recount every word of the dinner conversation they had had back in Chicago, Jay wasn't so sure if the same thing went for Rianne's dad. His eyes flitted from Jay to his surroundings, to the slightest of noises. Not in a nervous way, but it seemed it was hard for him to keep his focus on one single thing for longer than five minutes. Jay saw how this must feel like indifference and some sort of neglect to Rianne.

Making sure Jay was okay alone with her father for a while and squeezing his shoulder encouragingly in passing, she excused herself to get changed out of her sports bra and shorts. It turned out the two men weren't really alone for long though:

When a dark-haired beauty with endless legs, elegantly wrapped in some silk morning gown and a long mane fresh out of a shampoo commercial, came and joined them, Alvaro's attention was finally completely redirected.

"Ah, mi reina, mi amor," he greeted the approximately forty-year old woman, gesturing towards Jay:

"Esta es Yay, el novio de Rianne!"

Jay stood and had his cheek kissed by poised lips as expected. Somewhere along the way he would get the hang of it. Inés bestowed a radiant smile out of squinting grey eyes on him:

"Encantada!"

Turning around to her husband again she said something that Jay suspected complimented his looks and made Alvaro pull her into his side, saying:

"Sadly he is already taken amor!"

Inés giggled girlishly and took the seat next to him.

So… this was Rianne's step-mum… Jay knew Rianne didn't particularly like her. She had said she didn't care about Inés, but for Rianne to not care about a person there had to be something off with that relationship. His girl normally cared a whole lot about the people in her orbit, even if she expressed it by fighting and arguing with them.

It wasn't necessarily that this woman was the one who had finally caused her parents divorce as her father had already had an affair with her while he was still married to Rianne's mum. Jay suspected it was more because Inés was some sort of Argentinian It-girl and only a few years older than Rianne. So she thought that connection to be rather cliché and ridiculous, as well as more a midlife-crisis indicator than a serious thing, especially as she had declared her father was kind of a man-child at times. Since her parents had split up and gotten divorced almost seven years ago this relationship had actually lasted longer than Rianne or anyone for that matter would have thought and her father had surprised even more when he had married Inés two years ago.

Over the next days Jay would find that Rianne mostly ignored her step-mum. She wasn't openly brattish or mean to her, but seen as the other woman desperately tried to get Rianne's attention and approval all of the time, it was kind of a mean streak in his girlfriend to deny her exactly that. She gave her next to no emotions.

While he was studying the newest addition to the scene and tried to come up with something to start up a conversation, the dogs were suddenly barking and jumping around excitedly. There was some commotion to be heard at the front gate and then all hell broke loose.

* * *

When Rianne came down into the living area again her hand flew to her mouth while taking in the scene:

Somehow her aunt and uncle from LA must have arrived in the meantime, along with her cousins and their men and Inés had somehow managed to get up from her beauty-sleep too. So Jay was standing in the middle of her father's salon, surrounded by loud and chatty family members of hers without back-up.  
Strange thing was that he didn't look as uneasy as she might have thought he would.

Rather he was a center of peace in the middle of the chaos she watched unfold around him. Luggage tripping hazards, barking dogs, men patting each others backs, drinks being handed out, everybody talking louder and louder to be heard over the general hubbub. She guessed her father and her uncle, who was the spitting image of his sibling but five years younger and a little more laid-back and not quite so lean, were just short of getting into their usual political discussions. Jay just stood tall and looked like he had always been here and at the same time it was so unexpectedly new, it took some blinking on Rianne's part. He immediately turned around and looked at her the moment he must have felt her presence in the room.

Mouthing "Sorry" in his direction it didn't take long for the others to notice her and redirect their attention to engulf her in hellos, hugs and kisses and inquiries.

Jay would say to her later that he was actually wondering how that loud family fitted into the description she had once given him of her growing up in a quiet household.  
What he didn't get was that it had never been like this. Not even during the holiday season. This coming together had only started when she had somehow outgrown her desperate longing for something like this, when her parents had been divorced already and she had found a replacement for that family issue instead.

At least through Jay's eyes though her family surely must resemble the way she had seen the diVareses when she had first gotten to know them: Loud, many, all at once, speaking a different language, welcoming, affectionate. Rianne had never really noticed. Why did it take her to turn 33 years to see this? See that this side of her family truly existed only after she had lost her dream one? Only when she had made her peace with having to establish the desired place of genuine understanding an love on her own? Only after she had met a man that was in contrast to her an overall very quiet and calm person and so very different from what she had always thought she wanted?  
A man that was actually the first to spend Christmas with her here. Andrea had never done this as he had always been adamant to spent the holidays with his own family and more than once she had stayed with him at his parents house, loving the excuse.

In a wave of loud chattering Rianne was washed against Jay now, finding herself surrounded by the younger folks and his soothing green eyes on hers.

"So which one of you would be the cousin that challenged **her** to drunk call me from LA?" Jay pointed at her two cousins, then at Rianne before he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She buried her face into his chest, a little embarrassed. He would never let her live this down it seemed.

"That would be me!" Louisa called out excitedly, raising her hand up like a schoolgirl, high ponytail of raven-black hair looking accordingly for sure.

"I already like you!" Jay laughed and offered a fist-bump, which Louisa gladly engaged in: "Did I do you a favor?"

"It certainly helped things along…"

Rianne prodded his ribs a little, but Jay laughed and only held her tighter against him.

"Yeah, sometimes she just needs a little push!" Esme bumped shoulders with her cousin:

"You certainly need to fill us in on everything that has happened between you since then, we're all so excited!"

Jay and her exchanged a knowing glance and an intimate smile: To put all that in-between into words could probably take a while.  
It seemed that Esme didn't really want to get that report right now and was rather interested in different topics. She turned to Jay, pulling him away from Rianne and out into the garden by linking arms with him, leaving her to stare after her boyfriend helplessly:

"So Jay, tell me about that job of yours, isn't that pretty scary?"

* * *

Rianne's warning under the #lastminuteinstructionstothispartofthefamily had been: "prepare to be kissed a lot, like a lot a lot!" and it proved to be very true.

As soon as the rest of Rianne's family had arrived Jay knew he had been a fool to be afraid of too much peace and quiet: Every time everyone gathered it was a riot of languages, because of Esme's American spouse Mark and Louisa's British boyfriend Chris, whom she had met while studying abroad last year. He was really glad for the male, also not really Spanish speaking, company so he didn't feel so out of sorts on his own.  
Jay suspected it would get even worse of a chaotic, fast talking bunch, when the youngest sister of Rianne's father would arrive tomorrow with her Brazilian husband, two teenage sons and a ten-year-old daughter.

That Christmas-eve turned out to be one of those nights that in hindsight one wasn't sure really happened, that felt too unreal to be true. Like a rush, a speed slide-show of pictures, faces, snippets. Blurry, bright, crumpled and yet beautiful. A night that one kept in his heart because it was so unique.

After having had a late dinner (or rather on-time dinner in Southern American fashion) at a fancy restaurant in the upscale neighborhood of Puerto Madero with everyone, they just about made it up onto the roof terrace of that restaurant with even more wine and champagne at midnight. They had passed up on the traditional gift giving until tomorrow to not bring all the stuff with them into the city. Rianne kept making sure he was fine with the itinerary of the evening and he tried to make her understand that this was of course a very different way of celebrating than he was used to, but that he really had no expectations whatsoever. She didn't need to worry as this was already a very memorable Christmas, because of the fact he got to spend it with her and there could have been worse surrounding circumstances than being in a city like Buenos Aires. No doubt there was a chaotic feel to the air all around. Little dresses and linen shirts revealing a lot more skin rather than thick Christmas sweaters, cocktails overruling eggnog and mulled wine, the beginning of summer rather than the middle of winter.  
Rianne's father sure was in his element as a lavish host and entertainer, telling stories and handing out celebratory Cubans while church bells were ringing out and fireworks going off all over the city like it was New Year's already.

It seemed tradition to not just go back to the house, open presents or wait for Christmas morning to arrive to be able to do so. Very soon Jay found himself roaming the busy streets of Buenos Aires way after midnight with the younger section of the family, consisting of Esme & Louisa with their men, him and Rianne.

Three beautiful couples, mid-twenties to mid-thirties, enjoying the nightlife, that was how it must have looked for anyone paying attention to them. He hadn't known what it would feel like if no one really knew him, recognized him, in a foreign city, only her. How besides all the exhausting getting to know one another and taking all the info in, it was extremely liberating that he got to see himself through so many different eyes, could decide from anew what he wanted let them see.

Jay didn't really know what he had been expecting. Somehow all the plans for this holiday, all the information Rianne had been giving him about everybody and everything were just starting to sink in now. Slowly, like the fog in his brain was clearing up bit by bit, all the while he was continuing to shed his professional mannerism layer by layer. The thing he had known about his girlfriend for a long time and that she tried to make him see every opportunity she got: He didn't need to be professional or a professional around her! She always liked the raw and true version of him most.

And **he** certainly liked the way she moved! Jay had thought he'd seen her dance before, but it had been a whole different dancing than when she danced with her folks and to music she obviously felt deep inside her bones. That she had been willing to opt out on going clubbing for his sake, being worried that this wasn't his scene, meant a lot. He knew and saw how much she was actually enjoying this. Jay really didn't need much else. This was all an overflow of life to him as it was, so he was content to sit or stand at the sidelines watching her and her cousins jump around at the club they had chosen, swaying their hips and throwing their arms in the air as if there was no tomorrow. He was mature and confident enough to stay were he was comfortable on his own, not needing the company of anyone and being extremely thankful that Rianne didn't make him participate. She just knew him and knew he needed to ease into things, instead of trying to keep up with her pace.

Sometimes Jay thought they couldn't be any different. He and she, apples and oranges, cold and hot blood, reserved and a little withdrawn vs. outgoing and free-spirited, low-key vs. extravagant at times.  
But then again, looking more closely, there were many different burning passions and emotions simmering under his surface, as well as a little cold and standoffish side to her, actually more similarities between them than first met the eye. And they were able to balance out each other's respective chaos. They both were so many puzzle pieces of the places they had been, people they had loved and still did, stitched together by so many different influences. A collective of their dreams, conversations they'd had and wanted to have, their brightest lights and darkest memories. It truly was his greatest Christmas gift to have found her this year.

There was just a slight hick-up when Rianne pulled him out of that club suddenly, into a dark corner next to a night café. Her hands and lips were all over him and he reveled in that rush of her need. Jay would be lying to himself if watching her dance, her smell, the slight gleam of sweat on her skin, her eagerness and yearning to touch him, the overall feel of this summer night, weren't turning him on to no end and making him momentarily forget where they were. But when she reached for his belt, still kissing him madly, his instant reaction was to abruptly stop her hands and fingers. He just wasn't there yet. Not here, not now! This environment and making out in public like this triggered some bad memories. Even ones of his time with Camila and what had gone down after that. Somehow he had always thought he'd forgotten about that time in his life by now, but it seemed he hadn't. Not one bit.  
Taking in the sudden irritation and hurt in her eyes he felt bad, but he just couldn't let loose completely:

"I… I really want to and I surely want **you** , but not here, not like this!"

Rianne just breathed heavily and stared at him for a minute. Jay tried to catch his breath too and lighten the mood by motioning towards her little festive short jumpsuit:

"Besides, would be kind of difficult to do this with what you're wearing!"

"Who said something about us doing it against this wall? Maybe I just wanted to go down on you!"

She kissed him hard one more time before returning to the club to join the others, leaving him to wonder if she and him really were as okay as he wanted them to be. Somehow she had seemed on edge all of a sudden, even before she had towed him out here.

* * *

She had fallen asleep on their ride back and had been vaguely aware of Jay scooping her up in his arms to carry her out of their cab into the house, taking off her shoes and sweaty clothes before tenderly propping her up on the pillows.

Stumbling out of the club after 5 in the morning, Rianne had felt that rush she loved: Sweaty, danced-out, exhilarated bodies coming down from an alcohol and endorphin induced high. Dawn had been creeping into the city, the whole atmosphere of still warm air on her skin and in her nose, feet hurting and the sounds of the city slowly dying down, making her feel so much alive. And she had needed to feel that badly after tonight's dinner, especially because of her father. Just when she had thought things could be different… First of: the way they had been seated at the restaurant had made her feel like she had to be at the kid's table all over again, him only tending to his wife and his brother Joaquin, paying equally little attention to his brother's wife Carla. Stupid machoism!

She loved to sit with her cousins, they were fun and all, Mark, Chris and Jay were getting along well too, but Rianne couldn't help but feel sidelined again by Alvaro. In contrast to her mother his actions tended to make her bitter and sad. And then he had had the audacity to slip her an envelope just after midnight, before they had been off to go out dancing: For her and Jay, their Christmas gift from him.  
He could have waited to give that to them on Christmas morning, but he claimed that he and Inés planned to spend the day with her side of the family and wouldn't be there for the gift exchanging. Another bummer. She had really hoped these last minute announcements of his absence wouldn't smart as much the older she got.

Pocketing the envelope Rianne had just looked at its content when she'd gone to the bathrooms at the club. That embarrassingly high amount of money on the cheque inside had hit another nerve, hence her need to maul her boyfriend in an alleyway afterwards and get the brush-off. Hell she had so badly needed an outlet and a distraction from that immeasurable load of anger and pent-up old frustration she had been faced with.

Thankfully Jay had not bolted completely after stopping their make-out session in front of the club, but had followed her back to the dance-floor, participating in one of the things she loved most in the world: Dancing it all out to Club- and Reggaeton sounds that made her heart beat faster. Maybe he had seen that it was necessary to mark his territory. As the night advanced lonely wolves were prowling around on the dance-floor ready to go in for the kill and he couldn't let that happen. Jay always made sure she was protected and accounted for. He made sure she was safe, especially in a crowd, always taking in the scene around them, where possible danger in whatever form could arise from. Rianne knew he hadn't been able to fully relax all night, no matter how many shots the boys had downed, but he'd made an effort for her. Especially when watching the fireworks before she'd felt how tense his body next to hers had been, how he had held on to her, squeezed her hand a little too tight every once in a while. Jay would never be able to change being a police officer and a soldier, a veteran. Somehow this registered with her now more than ever before.

Rianne slipped her fingers under his shirt and was reminded how lucky she was to be touching his soft and warm skin when he lay down next to her now. He'd taken off his white linen shirt and grey chinos he'd looked so dashing in tonight, joining her in a fresh shirt and his boxer-briefs. Seeing she was awake again he grabbed something out of his nightstand and presented a black velvet little box to her:

"Merry Christmas babe!"

A little nervous smile was playing around his lips. Rianne's heart beat a whole lot faster all of a sudden and she sat up straight on instinct. What the hell was this?

"Don't panic, it's not an engagement ring!" he joked, when he saw insecurity arise in her pupils, maybe a little deflated because of her getting worked up at the prospect of him maybe proposing.

"I thought we agreed on not getting each other anything and keep the money for our new home?"

"Yeah, I know, but then I thought: this is our first Christmas, so… what the hell! Just open it!"

Composing herself to keep her hands from shaking because this box looked like it contained meaningful jewelry and actually had the slogan of her favorite shop on it, Rianne did as she was told. Inside there really was a ring, or rather two. One delicate small golden one, elegantly curved, the other also golden, but holding an emerald stone in its middle. She carefully took them out of the box and stared at them, not knowing what to say.

"Stella told me where that shop you liked was and I thought they would go perfectly with your necklace, so… well..." Obviously Jay couldn't really take her silence and felt the need to explain.

Rianne was always wearing some kind of ring or rings. But all the others she had bought herself or inherited. Until now there had been only one ring that she had been given by a man. So this was special.

"Can you put them on? I think my hands are shaking too much right now."

"Left or right?"

"Right?"

When he'd slipped them both onto her right ring finger she moved her hand around a bit, taking in the new look from every angle.

"D'you like them?" It seemed like Jay still couldn't tell wether he'd made the right call or not.

"I love them! I really do, thank you…" Snaking her right hand behind his head she pressed her lips to his softly, hopefully conveying everything she couldn't say right now because she was a little too emotional.

Jay's mouth softly yielded under the pressure of her lips and tongue.

"How'd you guess my ring size?" They fit her so perfectly like they were made for her.

"You forget that I am a detective. I have my ways…"

"Thank God I got you something too then," she winked and kissed him on that sly grin again, wanting to get up and bring his gifts over as well, but Jay held her back.

"I'm not finished!" he announced, voice suddenly several notes lower, seductive and determined while taking off his shirt.

A hot shiver ran over her back when he pressed her down into the mattress by gently cupping her shoulder, closing his mouth over hers again, his tongue toying with hers.  
Jay brought her hands up behind her head, holding them in place while he let his other wander along the length of her body very slowly, very deliberately. He knew this was destined to drive her nuts when she was pinned down like that.

As Rianne felt her senses heightened due to tonight's impressions and an overall longing for every single one of his touches, every inch of him, she soon thought she was going up in flames. There was this need to have all of him all at once but Jay was taking his sweet time with her, licking and nibbling along her neck and jawline while whispering:

"You know it's not that I didn't want you in that alleyway or in that pool yesterday, right? I felt like we deserved a little something more to start off our first holiday!"

Obviously he had felt more like they deserved over two hours of agonizingly slow, breath-hitching, making her and him fall apart and get lost in each other, love-making. A very merry Christmas indeed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to overdo it with the character descriptions as this is already a lot of family to take in, so I will drop a few things about all of them time and time again throughout the next chapters.


	55. No Kind Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that completely got away from me, so I guess: Happy weekend reading!
> 
> Chapter Title "No Kind Words" by The Maccabees

The ghosts that had slipped into their luggage from the very beginning, without an invitation or a valid travel ticket, were making an appearance whenever they felt like it:

This whole year, him almost dying twice, Andrea, commitment issues, Nate, letting things go, feeling lost and overwhelmed, falling completely in love and trying to make that relationship work, fear of failing, resurrected themes of the pasts, the list went on. It seemed like there was not really an intermediate level of emotions for him and Rianne.

The ups and downs were coming fast and hard Jay mused, when he looked into the flames and sparks the 'asador' in Rianne's father's yard was still emitting. And it only had been four days away from home.

There were these bright and precious moments, making Jay incredibly happy, his heart so full, sometimes he thought it would burst. The moments that were creating little polaroids, forever embedded in his mind.  
Like just ere-yesterday in the wee morning hours, when he had carried Rianne back to bed after their night out:

How she had looked at him after he had given her that Christmas present and when he had looked at the rings on her finger and thought that this was exactly what he wanted his future to look like, for once without a doubt in his mind. And how good it felt to be sure at least about some things: unwavering, solidly sure.  
How the silence between them had been so loaded and electric when he'd undressed her, like this was their first time.  
How she had been so sensitive to his every touch, incredibly sensual and erotic in her fragile 7 am state: Honest, real and a little vulnerable. How every movement and caress had been a burning slow-motion sensation, so very focused and intense. How it had probably been the most truthful example of two bodies actually melting into one another, in complete unison. Jay could still see the look on her face she had worn throughout this, completely cracked open, letting him see everything. He could still hear every little gasp and moan so clearly, the sweet nothings she had whispered in his ear, how she had sighed his name against his shoulder, when he closed his eyes now and it was sending shivers down his spine.

They had spent the last two days lounging around the house, on Christmas Day nursing their slight hangover, watching Rianne's favorite Christmas movies, which seemed a little bizarre in this heat, face-timing his brother back in Chicago to wish him and Nat a "Merry Christmas" or rather "Merry Med Shift" to make Will a little jealous, as they were hanging out at the pool. It had also been his twisted way of thanking his brother for giving him a push a few days prior. Showing Will that he had really made it.

Jay had found himself enjoying this alternate Christmas scenario up until now. It wasn't stirring up too many wistful memories of Christmases he could remember from when he had been a little boy. It was creating completely different and new memories in the here and now. Somehow everyone was allowed to do as they pleased around here and whereas he knew that it bothered Rianne a little, because she wished for a bit more family coherence and structure, it aided Jay to be a little more at ease. There just was a lot of breathing space as well as distraction in between this loud bunch as since Christmas Day currently fifteen people lived on the property.

Right now though Jay desperately needed to get a grip and desperately remember these highlights, because there also were confusing moments like tonight that brought up toxic thoughts and convictions that had manifested inside of him and that he wasn't able to shake completely:

**" _Maybe Rianne didn't tell you, but she won't play house with you forever, she will never settle down like that!"_**

And maybe despite all that connection, all those feelings and passion it would prove to be true: There were things Rianne couldn't move past, or not with him at least.

A little voice inside his head was laughing cynically: Hadn't he seen this coming? Away from their usual routines, the things that had brought them together, some deeper issues on both sides floated up to the surface, just like he'd been afraid they would.

The party, or asado, in honor of Rianne's grandmother was slowly dying down. Like many things this "commemoration" service had turned out differently than he had expected: The Torres Delgado's had made it a tradition to celebrate Maria Rosa's **birthday** rather than have a sad and all-black service at a local church. The matriarch would have turned 90 this year.

So in the morning (or rather early noon in Jay's time reckoning - he had learned that punctuality was considered rude in Argentina) Alvaro had taken out all the men for a game of golf at a local range, leaving the women to prepare for the big fiesta they hosted in the afternoon. Not that Jay approved of the gender segregation, and Rianne kept telling him he could always bail out if he didn't feel comfortable with this, but he'd actually had a lot of fun. Apart from Alvaro and his brother Joaquin everyone really sucked at the game, so this was rather a social gathering with snacks and some aperitifs. There were glimpses of how it / he could be: An ordinary man spending time with his girlfriend's folks. Engaging in small talk and joint activities, discovering his passion for old hobbies like soccer, feeling welcomed in a very easygoing, no strings attached way.

Just like he always did he had been looking for hidden agendas when interacting with all of Rianne's family members. It just was in his nature. Concerning some candidates he wasn't really 100% sure, because one never could be, but overall these were genuinely nice people. Making contact wasn't a problem, it really had never been for him on a superficial level. Maybe the only thing gnawing at him was the question if in the face of so many flamboyant personalities his own might seem a little plain and straightforward.

Her father wasn't that scary really. Alvaro was actually a casual and blithe person to have around, as long as you didn't have any expectations or you weren't related to him directly. Jay and him hadn't had that many moments alone because Alvaro hadn't looked for those as Jay would have expected. To figure out his intentions towards his daughter or something like that. It was fine by Jay for it certainly was less pressure to be in a whole group of men all the time.

Jay especially liked hanging out with Sergio (Rianne's Brazilian uncle by marriage), Pepe and Danilo (Rianne's teenage cousins) and her cousin's husband and boyfriend. The first because he was an interesting character and someone Jay would never have met weren't it for this family get-together. Overall Sergio was a very spiritual man and fun to be around, always giving out wise comments, a certain waft of marihuana around him starting late afternoon, proudly wearing his shock of hip-length dreadlocks despite being in his mid-forties. The other four because they were simply just boys that wanted to have a good time, despite their varying ages. Their attitude to life was so carefree and naive it was a breeze of fresh air. How beautiful was that gift of innocence? Jay loved to look at Rianne, meet her eyes, whenever someone said something that sounded very dewy-eyed to their ears and know that she shared his thoughts: Oh the things they had seen and undergone. It felt like her and him were a secret society among this group and he liked that feeling.

When they had gotten back to the estate in the late afternoon even more friends and friends of friends of the family had gathered against the backdrop of a spectacular barbecue, people all dressed in colorful summer clothes, music and loud dialogue building an acoustic level that was both overwhelming and stimulating. The Torres Delgados had gone all out and there was more food than usual, if that was even possible.  
Jay's eyes had found Rianne immediately, she always was easy to spot for him: she had been sitting with her youngest cousin, a sweet 10year-old girl who was braiding Rianne's hair in a very serious and dedicated way, while Rianne was chatting away with her aunts, already into a bottle of red.  
Just three days in the sun and she could pull off a cream high-slit maxi-dress and look as radiant as ever. The kiss she blew him when she spotted him among the arrivals felt warm and conspiratorial.  
Next to all the joy he felt at seeing her so in her element unfortunately something else stirred inside of him being faced with these images of family-life. A jealousy maybe, because he knew he wasn't the first man to see her like this, not the first man she had had this with. A need for answers to the questions that were bubbling up: Where was this going? Was this going where he wanted it to go? Did they really want the same things? Did he fit in here in the long run and not just for five minutes?

Jay looked across to the guest house porch, where Rianne was still sitting with her aunt Eliana, who looked more like she could be her mum in that crochet hippie dress than Rianne's real one ever would. Maybe that was exactly what she needed right now: A motherly advice, a female perspective he couldn't give to her in that moment. Overall just a warm and caring person who understood where she came from, when **he** wasn't able to.

"Didn't take the news well, huh?" Mark approached him, offering him another cold beer, that Jay gladly took.

"Nope… not at all!" He took a deep drag and kept looking over at his girlfriend.

"I swear to you man, this family is a little nuts. But: It never gets boring!"

* * *

_A few hours earlier:_

"Now that everyone is here and seen as mi mama always said 'The more the merrier': Inés and I would like to make an announcement!"

Rianne held her breath when her father raised his glass of champagne to the gathered guests. What announcement could he possibly make?

"We are having a baby!"

Rianne's wineglass shattered to the ground with a loud crash and burst into a million pieces on the concrete tiles. Momentarily everyone turned around in the direction of the noise, but then their attention was back on the happy couple sharing the good news. Congratulations, cheers and Spanish phrases of encouragement arose, whereas Rianne waited for the ground to swallow her up after a hysterical laugh had escaped her throat. When that didn't happen she turned on her heel, not registering that Jay was trying to get her attention by putting his hand in her back, softly saying her name. All she could hear was the sizzling flame of rage threatening to burn her insides. She needed to get away fast.

Rianne wouldn't have thought her father had even noticed her running away:  
She had been pretty much ignoring him since Christmas-Eve and that boatload of money she hadn't been able to bring herself to confront him with, wanting to stay in the happy holiday bubble she was trying to establish with Jay. As her father was less confrontational and not calling her out on anything usually like her mother would have, this hadn't been too hard actually.

Way to drop another bombshell on her now and why oh why did this pregnancy thing catch up with her again? She'd thought she'd left that behind in Chicago.  
Rianne guessed that some things were meant to come back until one had learned from them, but she could certainly have done without that lesson.  
How the hell could her dad spring this on her? Just like that, in front of everyone? How could he want to become a father again? He hadn't been so great at it the first time around! Rianne normally wasn't judgy when it came to the age of parents, but this was her dad. He was edging towards 70 for god's sake!

"A little upfront warning would have been nice," she fumed when her father had caught up to her making soothing hand-gestures and looking pretty guilty altogether.

"I was afraid you wouldn't have come if I told you!"

"Yeah, but that would have been my decision! Now I am trapped here with this news! Thanks so much!"

She couldn't help but feel absolutely jealous of this unborn child from the very beginning, at the same time feeling very immature about that. But he or she would get all the attention growing up she had never gotten, blessed with a stay-at-home-trophy-wife and a dad in retirement.

"Can't you just be happy for me and Inés hija?"

"No, I'm sorry - I can't just be happy because you want me to be!"

The reality of the news was just slowly sinking in, the throbbing pulse in her ear picking up the pace: "I can't believe you chose to announce this on the day that is meant for abuela! That's so typical! It's always about you!"

Now she was on a real roll, didn't even let her father get a word in. She knew nothing he would say could calm her down. Rianne felt that dangerous rage tear her apart inside, especially as she had blown the lid she'd had on it. There was no stopping her now, as this was a really old rage only her parents could enflame. A sudden thought popped up in her head and she gave her father an even more furious look:

"This why you gave me that insane amount of money? Trying to buy my consent somehow?" Maybe this was wishful thinking on her part though, thinking her father would care enough to even want her consent.

"What? No! Mi pollito, por favor!" Alvaro had the audacity to look truly hurt by her words, still trying to come closer to her, Rianne backing up into the corner of the patio.

She really didn't care that everyone could probably hear and see them fighting. She gave a damn about appearances right now.

"Don't call me that, I'm not a child anymore!"

The endearment triggered more fury because it had always been his scheme: Console her with presents and little droplets of love and attention, then turn away again and do his own thing. He had never asked what she **really** wanted from him.

"You were talking about moving into a new home together and I thought you could use some start-up capital!"

"Is it because of Jay? Are you trying to scare him off? Like you did with Andrea?"

"I never tried to scare Andrea off with money! Is Yay upset I gave you the cheque? I thought he'd be more reasonable…"

"His name is Jay dad: JAY, with a 'J'! Don't act like you can't pronounce that! And no he isn't upset, because I didn't tell him. The hell you're not trying to scare people away with money! This is exactly what you did to Andrea! You never respected him, you constantly embarrassed him, so what exactly was wrong? Just for once be honest and tell me!"

 **Care** enough to tell me the little girl inside her screamed.

"I just saw myself in him! Joder!" Now her father was practically screaming at her too, very close to her face, obviously shocked that these words had left his mouth.

Rianne froze with a heavy beating heart. She must've heard him wrong.

"That's what wasn't right! It was never about him being poor or without a proper job! It was about him being fucking unreliable and making you suffer because of it. Just like I was when I was his age and look how things turned out with your mother and I! I was worried about you Rianne! You deserved someone to take care of you, when we were doing a very poor job on that front!"

Rianne was speechless. Those were words she had never heard from either of her parents. It would have been nice to hear them quite some time ago, possibly when the person they were talking about had still been alive. An honest conversation would have maybe resolved some of the reservations and misunderstandings earlier. It was a little late now, was it? Her bitterness prevailed:

"There are other ways to get involved in my life than through money. We've had **that** discussion before! Maybe you'll get it right the second time around, good luck!"

She left him standing there, actual tears in his eyes, and went to fix herself a stiff drink, maybe two.

* * *

Jay had thought about following Rianne the moment she'd stormed off, but then noticed her father had slipped from the crowd. As the raised voices of father and daughter carried he could hear definite arguing on the patio, but he couldn't understand what exactly was being said. It sure was a very vocal confrontation with a lot of swearing involved.

The moment the announcement had been made he'd known how hard that would hit Rianne. On many levels in an unexpected, confusing way!

Still trying to decide wether or not to get involved, Jay felt that someone was behind him and turned around to see Alvaro's concerned and defeated face in the semidarkness just after sunset:

"I think she needs **you** more than me now!"

Jay didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

"Babe? You in here?"

Jay found her in the little secluded corner of the living-area, where a house-bar held everything to host a fancy cocktail-party on the spot.  
It seemed Rianne had been going for the strong stuff as she was finishing off a tumbler of light brown liquid when he walked in. There were no tears on her face, which surprised him. He approached her carefully, not sure what the situation was right now:

"Some news, hm?" he tried, watching her every movement and facial display of emotions carefully.

"Oh, don't give me those pity eyes!" She shook her head at him while filling up her glass a second time, getting one for him as well.

When she pushed it into his direction her pupils were unusually cold and full of sourness.

"That's not pity! Just checking in on you!"

"Well, I don't need you to check in on me! I'm super great! Cheers!" And she downed the second tumbler of probably very expensive liquor in one.

Jay winced for two reasons: a) because this stuff was supposed to be sipped and b) he knew that look in her eyes. This was going sideways very fast. On closer inspection he saw that two crystal glasses and a vase were on the ground, shattered to pieces.

"Cheers to everyone getting pregnant all of a sudden!" Rianne reached for the bottle again.

Jay stepped into her space, stilling her hand with his and trying to get through to her: "Maybe you should slow down for a minute and talk to me!"

"So you're here to tell me what I should and shouldn't do? What I should and shouldn't feel about this?" Her voice was low, but dangerously close to a growl, her face only inches away from his.

"No, I just think you've maybe had enough to drink and that you could rather tell me what's on your mind!"

Not that her voice was slurry yet, but he feared she was on her way to a dangerous and very destructive state of drunk. There was only so much high-percentage liquor she could hold.

"Maybe I don't wanna talk. Like I said: I'm absolutely okay with this! So why don't you let me drink in peace?"

"Come one Rianne, don't be like that!"

"Like what?"

"Pretending you don't care! It's not you!"

"The hell it isn't! Seems like you just have been lucky enough to have never seen this side of me until now! I hope you enjoy it!"

She was right, he hadn't seen this exact behavior from her, at least not to this extent. He tried a different approach, coax her out of this bitter state by cracking a half-serious joke. Maybe in hindsight this had been a little inappropriate, but he was a bit out of his depth on how to deal with her:

"D'you wanna get pregnant too? We can make that happen right now you know!?"

Big mistake! Rianne's eyes almost popped out of their sockets and she pushed against his chest to get some distance between them:

"No, of course not! What the hell Jay? Way to make your opinion concerning kids known!"

Her vehement reaction slowly triggered anger and confusion inside Jay too: "I think I made my intentions known many times before today!"

"Did you now? Maybe **you** should stop acting like a child first before thinking about having one of your own!"

"Ouch!"

He knew this was connected to his stunt before their flight and that he deserved this somehow, but it still hurt. A loaded silence followed. Rianne's hands were shaking around the glass she was holding and he could see the tears behind her eyes. Maybe he could turn this around after all:

"Try to enlighten me though why this would be so horrible!"

"You wouldn't get it!"

"Try me!"

"Why are you pushing this all of a sudden? You wanna tie me to you at all costs, is that what you want? Just a few days ago you weren't even sure if you wanna get your ass on a plane and now you're talking about having kids?"

"I never said that I wanna tie you to me! You're being irrational right now!"

His patience with her brattishness was on the verge of fading.

"Me? Irrational?"

"I just really wanna know why this is such a big deal and why I'm the bad guy all of a sudden! Who said anything about me putting some kind of shackles on you?"

"I don't know! Maybe the fact that I am furious with my dad for going public with this news and not talk to me first and your solution is: 'you know what honey? let's have a baby too, so you don't have to be sad no more!' As if it was that easy!"

"Actually it is! If you wanted to I'd be all in!"

"You're insane!" She gave him a scornful look and laughed unhappily.

"Am I?"

"Jay this is really not the right time to talk about this!"

"I think it's the best possible time, otherwise we'll probably never talk about this. We live together, we decided to buy / rent a house or whatever, it was your idea actually. For me this means we're in this for the long haul. So excuse me for having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I got the impression you were freaking out for a minute when I gave you those rings. You thought I was going to propose and you looked at me as if I was insane. You're doing it again right now. And it kinda hurts! Why is it so freaking scary to talk about kids and marriage if we wanna stay together?"

He definitely needed some answers now. It seemed like they had been dancing around some issues long enough and there was taking back words that had already been said.

"It freaks me out, because I don't want anything to change between us! Once we were married it only went downhill for Andrea and I! And that fear of loosing another child again? I don't know if I can survive that and I already told you. So yeah, maybe I rather not get pregnant or married at all. Doesn't mean I can't get upset that my father is having a child with his kid-wife!"

"I get that you're upset about that, but are you sure it's only connected to you feeling like he's choosing someone over you again? And your fear of things changing between us? Doesn't have to be like that Rianne! We're different people, this is a different situation! Or don't you wanna be in a serious relationship suddenly? Are you trying to end this?"

Jay couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, but there they were out in the open: All his fears!

"What? How on earth does **this...** ," she motioned between her and him, "...equal me wanting to break up with you? I just don't wanna rush into things! Besides getting married and having kids is really no guarantee for a happy ever after!"

"Just a little while ago you said you will get there!"

He knew he was grasping at straws, at little security pillars and on the verge of turning this argument into something that he hadn't been aiming for. But they both were on a roll.

"Yeah, maybe - I said: **Maybe**! That was roughly two months ago. Not really enough time to wrap my head around this as we have been dealing with so much other stuff!"

"Is it because you think I am not ready?" Because I am such a wreck, he added in his head.

"That is really not what I need to hear right now Jay!"

"How about what **I** need? I need you to get ready to talk about this like adults and not upset and weird! I understand that to a certain degree, but..."

"Are **you** ready to be a dad? With that job? Is that responsible? I just fear it would break me to loose something again, whichever way! Besides me getting pregnant? Chances are it's never going to happen for me anyway! You happy now?"

Jay didn't know what she meant by that, but he didn't get the chance to ask her about it as Rianne was shutting their discussion down when suddenly her step-mother stood in the room. He somehow felt like the air had been punched from his chest.

Rianne rolled her eyes to the ceiling and laughed sarcastically while pouring herself another four fingers of Single Malt. Then she walked over to Inés. Jay wasn't sure what to expect, what her interaction with the woman who carried her father's second child would be. With a fake smile plastered over her face Rianne patted Inés' arm and purred "felicitación" before she raised her glass and grabbed the pack of smokes lying on the mantlepiece next to her.

She stormed off, already lighting a cigarette while heading outside again. Jay guessed at least to some degree just to spite him.  
Normally she wasn't the one who walked out of an argument, this was more his part. So he had a hard time reigning in the panicky feeling and just let her walk.

**_"You're no good for her! Andrea's turning in his grave seeing the two of you canoodling around! You couldn't live up to him even if you tried!"_ **

Would Nate's hateful words from months ago finally prove true? Jay was refusing to accept that.

* * *

_"You're not that solid house-wife and arm-candy he is probably looking for! He's going to slow you down, you're a free spirit!"_

"¡Ostras!"

Her aunt had found her away from the still ongoing party, sitting on the dark terrace of the guest house. She threw a new package of cigarettes in her lap. Rianne gladly took them, hoping smoking some more, up to the point where she'd feel slightly queasy in combination with the alcohol she'd been digesting would finally ease away some of her tension. Jay wouldn't like it, but screw him right now. He didn't get to tell her what to do or feel. If she wanted to smoke her feelings right now she would just do that! God she had almost forgotten how intense he could get during an argument and how that arrogant raise of his upper lip really annoyed the hell out of her.

But when Eliana took her hand in hers and pressed her other one to it Rianne suddenly found herself bursting into tears.

She had been rather looking forward to seeing this youngest sibling of her father again. Eliana was in some unconventional marriage with Sergio from Brazil, a musician, five years her junior, giving a damn about conventions. Their three kids looked like perfect combinations of mother and father: Soft cappuccino skin and curls ranging from a dark blonde to a hazelnut-brown. Rianne was absolutely in love with them, especially her little cousin Amanda and vice versa. Even if they didn't see much of each other, there was mutual admiration there. The youngest one of the bunch had spent every possible minute with her older cousin since they'd arrived a day before yesterday, painting her nails and sharing her newest tattoo stickers with her. Amanda even had been short of following Jay and Rianne back to their bedroom and have a sleepover. Wanting him to ease into things first before she shared their only private space in between this family hustle she'd promised her they would make it happen some time during the next days, maybe when some of them went to stay at the family's beach homes in Mar Azul as of tomorrow.

As the nestling of the three siblings, her aunt had probably been the closest to their mother Maria Rosa, soaking up her wisdom. Actually it was soothing to see that some parts of her grandmother still lived among them through others.

"¿Qué pasa?" The older woman asked after a while, studying Rianne closely, who had settled down a bit, wiping at her face. Her head was starting to hurt.

"Somehow papa's announcement ended up in a big fight between Jay and I and I can't get my head on straight!"

As Eliana was urging her to elaborate with her eyes Rianne told her more about that argument, trying to sort through the content, because she still couldn't understand how it had come to this. Her aunt didn't give out advise, she just listened and hummed affirmatively. Lighting a cigarette of her own she blew out the smoke into the air in elaborate rings, nodding in the direction of the pool:

"What happened to his shoulder? I noticed he's got a pretty nasty scar when we were at the pool yesterday!"

"He got shot over two months ago!"

"I'm sorry. Must be scary being with someone who has a dangerous job like that!"

Her aunt's words hit her right in the heart: "Yeah, he could tell you some pretty crazy stories!"

Rianne looked over to the place where Jay was playing ball with her teenage cousins and Mark and Chris, sometimes stealing glances at her and her aunt, but keeping his distance. He could have run off by now, gone up to their room or elsewhere, away from them, but instead he had stayed. Remorse was creeping into her every bone:

"How's he still here? I said some awful things to him."

"Because he's in love with you amor! And he cares, a lot! Maybe you don't know what it feels like to be looked after like that! I think he feels you even if you're not on the same page. But maybe you find that hard to bear because it scares you so much. You feel like he can and will take that away any minute. It was like that for me at least when I met Sergio!"

Did she push him away because she wanted him too much? Was she still afraid she would lose herself?

"Look, I never knew your husband that well, but I know that love was equally important for you and there is no 'better' love. There are just all kinds of love, never the same love twice. The way I see it Jay can let you shine without feeling someone's stealing his thunder. I saw that when you sang for us before, for your abuela. The way he looked at you? He can give you all the spotlight in the world and not feel threatened by it and that's pretty special. So, I'm sure you can work it out! Acerca de mi hermano: Simplemente un tonto!"

Rianne smiled a little and rested her head against her aunts shoulder, breathing in her unique scent of sun-soaked skin, garlic and Aqua di Goia. It felt good to not be the only one in the family who was not completely enthusiastic about her father's news.

"Would you wanna get married and try for a kid again or isn't that even an option?" Eliana asked, looking into the direction of Jay and her kids now too.

Rianne found she didn't hesitate long to answer that question, surprising herself: "If ever then Jay is the only one I would do it with!"

"So tell him exactly that!"

* * *

"I'm gonna go to bed!"

Suddenly Jay was right in front of them, making Rianne's heart beat faster.  
Jesus, he was really much more mature than her, building her a bridge, after she had been the most destructive version of herself. But she didn't have the guts to cross it. Not knowing how to break through the protective guard around him, what to say to take away the hurt in his eyes. Rianne hated that she had put it there.

When she didn't say anything and just nodded after this announcement that held so much more meaning than the simple info itself, he put his hands in the pockets of his shorts, bowed his head to her aunt and turned towards the house, the strides of his long legs eating up the ground fast.

"Aren't you gonna go after him?" Eliana scolded when Rianne still didn't move, kicking her in the shin with her bare foot.

"Come on, now is as good as any time!"

* * *

"Jay! Jay?" A panicked voice suddenly called out, running after him and grabbing his elbow with some hesitation.

Jay stopped in his tracks, taking a deep breath. He had just reached the landing to the first floor, and found himself faced with a very distressed Rianne, her features probably mirroring the expression he wore.

"Would … could we maybe talk?"

"You wanna talk or yell at me again?"

"Talk!"

* * *

"I, I'm so sorry for what I said!"

They had decided to go for a walk down the street, not knowing if this would turn into another heated argument, that they didn't need all her relatives to be a witness to. Also Rianne said she needed to walk off the booze and fixed herself a strong coffee to go before they left the house.  
It was still really warm outside, but Jay was shivering inwardly, not knowing how this would go. Crickets were chirping, distant sounds of music and people talking around them when they walked the streets of the gated area.

"Yeah, me too…"

"I guess I didn't expect this to hit me so bad!"

Jay was glad Rianne made the first step to fix this by opening up about why she thought she maybe couldn't have children. That the doctor's had said it would be highly unlikely for her to get pregnant again without some treatment first, because of all the trauma to her body from the accident and that dramatic birth. She had never dared to touch this subject until now. Rianne wanted to know if he really knew what he wanted, if he had it all figured out somehow, if he still wanted to be with her even if they couldn't have their own family.

"Of course I would still want to be with you and no I don't have all the answers yet. I just don't like you to make decisions and not include me. I would choose being with you over a kid every time. Let's just agree to keep talking okay? Keep an open mind and don't shut me out and down again!"

"What do you need?"

"I need you to be upfront and quit the tough act! I need you to let me be your friend and confidante. I apologize for being a little overzealous and intense before but if you get insecure about us I get insecure too. So I tend to force people to give me some assurance. I sure as hell want to see it coming! I see people disillusioned everyday: I don't want that to be me, so however awful: I always wanna hear the truth!"

"Is this because of Erin?"

The one that had been gone before he could even ask her to marry him, however ill advised that notion had been? Sure, but that was not all there was.

"Maybe! But she's not the only reason for my fear of abandonment."

"Oh wow! You sure have been going to therapy!"

"Don't tease me about that!"

It was still a touchy subject for him and certainly hard to work up the nerve to show up for sessions, but he did it anyway. For him and for them!

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that! I'm really proud you're tackling this. And of course I will let you know when I'm done with you."

"Stop being flippant about it. I'm freaking serious!"

He stopped walking and turned around to fully face her. Jay needed her to understand that so badly.

"Alright, okay!" She held up her hands, then carefully put her hands on his upper arms, while watching his face, making body contact for the first time since they had started talking again.

He wasn't completely done yet:

"And me talking about our future doesn't imply that I need all this right now! I'm just saying you're the one I would want this with. What's so funny about that?"

He'd noticed Rianne had begun to smile. Jay was anxious that she was not taking him serious, so her answer surprised him:

"It's funny because that's what I said to my aunt just now: You're the only one I would want to do this with!"

He finally felt his heart take a deep breath again.

* * *

"There's something else. Probably another reason why I've been on edge and hurting and taking it out on you…"

She guessed it was like he had said in the very beginning: He was a sparring partner that didn't fold from the first blow, just like she had been for him sometimes. Even before they had gotten together.

"About the cheque I saw lying around?" Jay looked at her scrutinizingly, eyebrows in a critical twist.

Rianne sighed. Why wasn't she surprised that he had already found the evidence: "Right, sometimes I forget that I live with a professional snooper!"

"Sorry, but you didn't do a very good job at hiding it in your chaos!"

He didn't seem to be mad though, more like he had known that she would come to him with this anyway. Rianne told him about the exact circumstances, the talk she had had with her father, then looked at him a little unsure.

"It's your money too, so… I'll give it back to him if you want and won't blink."

"Rianne, actually I'm not getting involved. If you wanna take the money: take it! I won't judge. But I won't be the one deciding! We certainly don't need it. This is **your** dad. If you feel there are too many strings attached: don't take it. If you accept the present to buy something nice for yourself: I'm fine with it. If you want to put it to good use: Do it. I'll be on your side whatever and he'll never scare me away with money, no way!"

* * *

"So… you're going to be a big sister!"

"Yeah… who would have thought…."

They talked a little more about that. About her fear that this baby would be yet another family member she wouldn't have a close relationship with, because of the distance and Inés and her ambivalent attitude towards her dad.

"One step at a time, we'll see how this will turn out. We've both seen and heard so many gruesome family stories. So much hate, so many lies. This, your family, this is not the same! So actually you're blessed and lucky! I'm 100% with you that he should have told you in private though - this whole public announcement was just insensitive and coward. I think he's secretly scared of you!"

She felt all warm inside because he used the words ' **We'll** see how this will turn out', implying she wouldn't have to go through this alone.

"Just think about there being some more scary mini versions of you in the future…" he bumped his shoulder into hers, cracking a winning smile at her.

"Easy there tiger, I didn't agree to any of it yet!"

"I know, sorry…"

"What's gotten into you anyway? I know you're not opposed to kids, but why the sudden over-enthusiasm?"

"I don't know… something about this family gathering I guess. It's loud and messy, imperfect at times, no argument there, but… I just like the idea of, you know… one day…"

He didn't really say it again, but she knew what he meant. She fished for his hand that had been brushing against hers for a minute now, took it and pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles.

"Let me ease into thinking out loud about this, okay? And remember I might not be able..."

He stopped her right there, interlocking their fingers: "I'm pretty optimistic about that, certainly won't have to blame me for lack of trying. But I'll stop it…"

"Hey, like I said: If it's not with you, then no one else!" Rianne really hoped with every bone in her body that it would be them in the end.

"Guess I was right about you from the beginning though!" She added when they had almost made it back to the house.

"What do you mean?"

"You're a softie when it comes to matters-of-the-heart…"

* * *

"Do you sometimes wonder what would have been if things had been different? If for example you hadn't been in that accident? You were still with Andrea, had your child?"

"Yeah, sometimes…" Rianne said and leaned into him.

"You think we still would have met?"

"Sometimes I think our paths would have crossed anyway, yeah. In another way maybe, but… I can't really explain this pull I feel and felt for you once I allowed myself to be pulled. Even when I'm mad at you I always want to work things out after I am done being mad at you!"

"D'you wish I was a little more extravagant?"

"What? Hell no! D'you worry about that?

"Sometimes…"

Now it was her turn to stop in her tracks: "Jay! I love you because you're you! I had all that extravagance and artsy cool 'everyone's free to do their own thing' before. I love you because you're real, reliable, you're not the one who changes his mind everyday, jumps on opportunities 'fuck the consequences'. I love your level-headedness and that you can be my voice of reason, that I don't need to keep you down to earth all the time. So no: I don't want you to change in any way and you're freakin special to me!"

He didn't say anything but put his arms around her, hugging her to him tightly.

"We good now?" she asked, leaning up on her toes and kissing his temple as she freed herself from his grip a bit.

"We're good!"

"Come on then, I wanna show you something!"

She pulled him towards the driveway of her father's house and stopped in front of a 2019 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S in a shiny Charcoal Gray. He was a little confused:

"What's this?"

"Your belated Christmas surprise…"

Jay immediately thought back to when she had once asked him something like: "Classic or fast car?" Of course he'd answered: "Fast car, always!"  
He had assumed it was just one of their 'things I don't yet know about you' questions. Never would he have thought that this would aid her decision which rental car she would get them.

"Thought we should have our own car. So we can get away anytime we want and do our own thing. I've thought about getting you a motorcycle, but you know how I feel about that…especially with these reckless drivers out here…"

Jay gave her a look that said: 'Come on, you know what I normally do for a living!'

"What? Forgive me for being scared for you."

Jay knew she was afraid of riding one and afraid for him as well. But he certainly hadn't any reservations against that beautiful ride in front of him. He had seen this car in the driveway before this afternoon and had just assumed it belonged to one of the guests. He let his hands run over the smooth caramel leather seats and was itching to put his foot down on the throttle, hear that sweet engine sound. He didn't know what to say, especially as he knew this wasn't really her kind of car. She'd done this just for him to fulfill one of his not so secret dreams.

"Wanna take it for a spin?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah, we could pack up and get a head start…

"Drive into the sunrise?"

"Is that too cheesy for you?"

"No… I just think we've had some drinks tonight and maybe you should talk to your dad again first…"

Rianne pulled a grimace.

"Just a suggestion!" Jay immediately made a dismissive gesture and caught her wrist to pull her up against him and nuzzle her hair.

"Remind me why you have to be such a grown-up sometimes?"

Despite her teasing comment he knew she knew why this was so important to him.

"Because you secretly love that about me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't help myself to throw some golf experience in here because we all know that's really Jesse Lee Soffer's thing, but it's something I imagined Rianne's father would be into as well. I hope you all still enjoy this little ride, the more I think about their holiday experiences the more I come up with, so I really have to reign myself in at some point to bring them back to Chicago safely.


End file.
